GM's thread about nothing (2 Viewers)

[krista4]

Says the guy in Iowa.

These high end faculty jobs don't grow on trees.

Yeah, I understand. I have a friend who had to move from Chicago to Philly for one. Philly!

 

[Celph Titled]

I don't know if I've ever looked forward to a TV show more than this:

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Says the guy in Iowa.

These high end faculty jobs don't grow on trees.

You should see this guy's schedule!

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Dear anyone who will ever stay in this hotel room who plans on walking around on this carpet barefoot: I'm sorry.

Wait, what???

Id like to hear this story as well.

There's really not a story. You ever try to rub semen into low pile carpeting in order to hide it? It doesn't really go anywhere.

No, never to hide it.

 

[Celph Titled]

What kind of an animal skeets on the carpet?

 

[Homer J Simpson]

What kind of an animal skeets on the carpet?

 

[Celph Titled]

What kind of an animal skeets on the carpet?

Tissue down?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

What kind of an animal skeets on the carpet?

Tissue down?

It can be tough to get it there when you've got a brisket in your other hand.

 

[Homer J Simpson]

I don't know if I've ever looked forward to a TV show more than this:

He was on the Daily Show tonight...I almost whizzed my pants at the clip they showed.

 

[Homer J Simpson]

What kind of an animal skeets on the carpet?

Tissue down?

You try getting to the tissues when you're hanging by your neck with a ball gag on.

 

[shuke]

It can be tough to get it there when you've got a brisket in your other hand.

You try getting to the tissues when you're hanging by your neck with a ball gag on.

Jesus

 

[EYLive]

What kind of an animal skeets on the carpet?

Tissue down?

It can be tough to get it there when you've got a brisket in your other hand.

 

[General Malaise]

So speaking of driving tests, I get to take Mr. krista4 next Friday for his driving test. As a 34-year-old. It's not like he didn't drive or have a license before, but somewhere along the way he let it lapse and has now had to go through the whole process anew, ending with the test next week. We've been trying to remember all that stuff you're supposed to do in a driving test, like not speeding and checking your mirrors and using your turn signals. Any tips? He's fine, though no krista4, with parallel parking.

I failed the Oregon computer test the first time I took it. Stupid motorcycle questions on a driving test.

 

[General Malaise]

I hate the horn on my car. Would it be lame to get a new one?

I don't think la coca rohca would work but maybe a roaring lion would be cool.

You midwesterners crack me up.

La Cucaracha

In my defense I took 4 years of French in high school.

Now, somebody help me with this horn issue. When I honk my horn I want people to #### themselves.

Get a second battery, a transformer, and the horn like they use at the Blackhawks game whenever Chicago scores a goal. That'll move some traffic.

Oh, this is great. Can you teach me how to rig one so it goes

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 

[General Malaise]

Dear anyone who will ever stay in this hotel room who plans on walking around on this carpet barefoot: I'm sorry.

Wait, what???

Id like to hear this story as well.

There's really not a story. You ever try to rub semen into low pile carpeting in order to hide it? It doesn't really go anywhere.

Oh jesus...

 

[Homer J Simpson]

This is the best FFA thread in years.

 

[General Malaise]

Hello. Just popping in to smugly credit myself as the person who first introduced the construction "dickmitten" to my wife, and thus the zeitgeist. You're welcome, zeitgeist!

You don't have a driver's license? This is kind of weird.

Did you just drive around without one, or did you not drive at all?

I know plenty of people in Chicago and NY without licenses, since most people don't have cars. It was only because we moved to god-forsaken Tennessee that he needs to get it.

Sorry, it's still weird.

I think it would be weirder if he never HAD a driver's license ever in his past or had never successfully driven a car before. I dated a girl in my mid 20's (a single mother, no less) who refused to drive. No license, never tried it, had no desire. Now THAT freaked me out. I let her drive a rental car I had one time and it was like turning the keys over to Toonces. She was screaming and hysterical; I was ready to jump out of the car. Course, it really made it easy to break up with her since we lived on opposite sides of the river and she never crossed over unless I was driving her. I just stopped calling altogether and figured if I ever saw her again, it would be because I was in her neighborhood. She cursed me out a few times on voicemail and said she was breaking up with me, which was perfect. It was the easiest break up I've ever had. I had some bad ones. Course she hated me and eventually saw me in a bar a few months later. She shouted out to everyone that could hear (including my new GF) that I gave her the clap. Classy. You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

 

[General Malaise]

What kind of an animal skeets on the carpet?

Tissue down?

It can be tough to get it there when you've got a brisket in your other hand.

 

[Radical Larry]

It can be tough to get it there when you've got a brisket in your other hand.

You try getting to the tissues when you're hanging by your neck with a ball gag on.

Jesus

 

[ShaqAttaq]

no lie. i just read this post while standing in a hotel room barefoot. :X

Dear anyone who will ever stay in this hotel room who plans on walking around on this carpet barefoot: I'm sorry.

Wait, what???

Id like to hear this story as well.

There's really not a story. You ever try to rub semen into low pile carpeting in order to hide it? It doesn't really go anywhere.

 

[urbanhack]

Says the guy in Iowa.

These high end faculty jobs don't grow on trees.

Yeah, I understand. I have a friend who had to move from Chicago to Philly for one. Philly!

I know a guy who moved to Philly to be a dentist.

 

[urbanhack]

It can be tough to get it there when you've got a brisket in your other hand.

You try getting to the tissues when you're hanging by your neck with a ball gag on.

Jesus

 

[St. Louis Bob]

It can be tough to get it there when you've got a brisket in your other hand.

You try getting to the tissues when you're hanging by your neck with a ball gag on.

Jesus

 

[Frostillicus]

Uh, yeah...give me your address.

Pass.You'll just have to find it. Start at DeMori's and start driving in concentric circles increasing in radius. You'll find it within an hour or two.

 

[krista4]

You don't have a driver's license? This is kind of weird.

Did you just drive around without one, or did you not drive at all?

I know plenty of people in Chicago and NY without licenses, since most people don't have cars. It was only because we moved to god-forsaken Tennessee that he needs to get it.

Sorry, it's still weird.

I think it would be weirder if he never HAD a driver's license ever in his past or had never successfully driven a car before. I dated a girl in my mid 20's (a single mother, no less) who refused to drive. No license, never tried it, had no desire. Now THAT freaked me out. I let her drive a rental car I had one time and it was like turning the keys over to Toonces. She was screaming and hysterical; I was ready to jump out of the car. Course, it really made it easy to break up with her since we lived on opposite sides of the river and she never crossed over unless I was driving her. I just stopped calling altogether and figured if I ever saw her again, it would be because I was in her neighborhood. She cursed me out a few times on voicemail and said she was breaking up with me, which was perfect. It was the easiest break up I've ever had. I had some bad ones. Course she hated me and eventually saw me in a bar a few months later. She shouted out to everyone that could hear (including my new GF) that I gave her the clap. Classy. You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

I don't know how to ride a bike. somehow I just neglected to learn growing up, and then at some point it became too embarrassing to try.

 

[Frostillicus]

You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

My wife's sister never learned to ride a bike. She's now 25 with two kids, and the older one is a bike rider, but she still won't learn. I keep fantasizing about scenarios where she has to ride a bike in order to win a million dollars or something. That way when she can't I can just laugh and point at her.

 

[krista4]

You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

My wife's sister never learned to ride a bike. She's now 25 with two kids, and the older one is a bike rider, but she still won't learn. I keep fantasizing about scenarios where she has to ride a bike in order to win a million dollars or something. That way when she can't I can just laugh and point at her.

There's a school in Massachusetts that teaches adults to ride. I really want to--looks like a lot of fun. I'd like to try out for The Amazing Race but there's usually something involving bike riding.

 

[boom king]

There's really not a story. You ever try to rub semen into low pile carpeting in order to hide it? It doesn't really go anywhere.

if you aint rubbin, something something something

 

[boom king]

You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

My wife's sister never learned to ride a bike. She's now 25 with two kids, and the older one is a bike rider, but she still won't learn. I keep fantasizing about scenarios where she has to ride a bike in order to win a million dollars or something. That way when she can't I can just laugh and point at her.

is your wife's sister hot? cuz this is how im imagining her

 

[YSR]

You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

My wife's sister never learned to ride a bike. She's now 25 with two kids, and the older one is a bike rider, but she still won't learn. I keep fantasizing about scenarios where she has to ride a bike in order to win a million dollars or something. That way when she can't I can just laugh and point at her.

There's a school in Massachusetts that teaches adults to ride. I really want to--looks like a lot of fun. I'd like to try out for The Amazing Race but there's usually something involving bike riding.

You would pick it up in no time. Seriously. No need to go to an adult school (unless, of course, it's just an excuse to go to Massachusetts).I want to go on the Amazing Race too but there always seems to be some sort of jumping out of planes/bungee jumping/SOMETHING INVOLVING GREAT HEIGHTS AND POTENTIAL LEAPS TO MY DEATH.

 

[Disco Stu]

You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

My wife's sister never learned to ride a bike. She's now 25 with two kids, and the older one is a bike rider, but she still won't learn. I keep fantasizing about scenarios where she has to ride a bike in order to win a million dollars or something. That way when she can't I can just laugh and point at her.

There's a school in Massachusetts that teaches adults to ride. I really want to--looks like a lot of fun. I'd like to try out for The Amazing Race but there's usually something involving bike riding.

You would pick it up in no time. Seriously. No need to go to an adult school (unless, of course, it's just an excuse to go to Massachusetts).I want to go on the Amazing Race too but there always seems to be some sort of jumping out of planes/bungee jumping/SOMETHING INVOLVING GREAT HEIGHTS AND POTENTIAL LEAPS TO MY DEATH.

You two should go on together. Then under your names where it normally says "married" or "brothers" or whatever it can say "iFriends".

 

[Bob Sacamano]

You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

My wife's sister never learned to ride a bike. She's now 25 with two kids, and the older one is a bike rider, but she still won't learn. I keep fantasizing about scenarios where she has to ride a bike in order to win a million dollars or something. That way when she can't I can just laugh and point at her.

There's a school in Massachusetts that teaches adults to ride. I really want to--looks like a lot of fun. I'd like to try out for The Amazing Race but there's usually something involving bike riding.

You would pick it up in no time. Seriously. No need to go to an adult school (unless, of course, it's just an excuse to go to Massachusetts).I want to go on the Amazing Race too but there always seems to be some sort of jumping out of planes/bungee jumping/SOMETHING INVOLVING GREAT HEIGHTS AND POTENTIAL LEAPS TO MY DEATH.

You two should go on together. Then under your names where it normally says "married" or "brothers" or whatever it can say "iFriends".

"Yeah, we're like, chicks who met on an internet message board dedicated to fantasy football. I mean, it's largely populated by like guys and stuff, but it's cool because they sit around doing interesting stuff like inventing new uses for the work dickmitten."

 

[That Little Voice]

14 pics of hot chicks at the WC saying hi to boom king

 

[Disco Stu]

14 pics of hot chicks at the WC saying hi to boom king

I think I'm in love with 7. And 14.

 

[saintfool]

I don't know how to ride a bike. somehow I just neglected to learn growing up, and then at some point it became too embarrassing to try.

i don't how to dive into water without holding my nose. once i'm in the water, i can take my hand away without getting water up my nose. i used to try and be all sly about it. i would wait until the very last second before i hit the water before holding my nose. if i don't hold my nose, i get water up my schnoz and that sucks.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Uh, yeah...give me your address.

Pass.You'll just have to find it. Start at DeMori's and start driving in concentric circles increasing in radius. You'll find it within an hour or two.

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Tremendous Upside can't drive/has never driven.

TUP>hi

 

[jplvr]

I just realized Monday that I never changed the oil on my edger. Ever.

Did anyone ever cover this, or am I missing the point? I've been staring at this post for a good minute trying to figure out if I should clue him in, or if I should be the one getting the hint.

 

[Saheeb's Warrior]

14 pics of hot chicks at the WC saying hi to boom king

 

[Sack-Religious]

I think it would be weirder if he never HAD a driver's license ever in his past or had never successfully driven a car before. I dated a girl in my mid 20's (a single mother, no less) who refused to drive. No license, never tried it, had no desire. Now THAT freaked me out. I let her drive a rental car I had one time and it was like turning the keys over to Toonces. She was screaming and hysterical; I was ready to jump out of the car. Course, it really made it easy to break up with her since we lived on opposite sides of the river and she never crossed over unless I was driving her. I just stopped calling altogether and figured if I ever saw her again, it would be because I was in her neighborhood. She cursed me out a few times on voicemail and said she was breaking up with me, which was perfect. It was the easiest break up I've ever had. I had some bad ones. Course she hated me and eventually saw me in a bar a few months later. She shouted out to everyone that could hear (including my new GF) that I gave her the clap. Classy. You know what else I find odd? Adults who can't swim. Not as bad as adults who don't drive or have never driven, but really kind of strange. How can you grow up and not learn how to swim?

Man, my mom will freak you the hell out. She grew up in a small fishing village in Newfoundland and too many locals drowned so she's deathly afraid of water, so she never learned how to swim. She also never learned how to drive, swim or ride a bike or ice skate.

 

[jplvr]

My mother might have given the most awkward toast in the history of mankind last night, in front of my boss, coworkers and friends. It was....hell, I don't even know how to describe. It was to speeches what Elaine Benes was to dancing. I'm pretty sure the best way to sum it up will be to post the pictures of my sister's reaction, captured by her best friend who was watching her while my mom went on and on....I would have welcomed a tornado.

As promisedThat would be my mom's arm to the left

How'd you get screwed on pigment?

 

[jplvr]

So I go online today to pay my credit card bills and my Mastercard is really high and I had not used it much lately.but let me go back a little ways, first.Last weekend, I had to miss my GBGM's wedding. I just had too much going on to take off 3-4 days to go to Detroit.Thursday night his soon-to-be BIL was throwing a bachelor party / poker game in his honor and I decided it would be good schtick to have some strippers deliver an ice cream cake to the event and dance to some Neil Young songs.So after calling around the greater Detroit area, I finally found a stripp-o-gram operation that promised to pick up an ice cream cake, take it to the poker game, and serve it to the guests while singing Heart of Gold and Southern Man in the nude. The only catch was that I had to find and pay for an ice cream cake. I tell them to give me an hour and I'll call them back.Eva's ice Cream in Lake Orion seemed like the best choice after some Google searching, so I call them up. but they sell ice cream. And they sell cakes. but they do not sell ice cream cakes. I spend 15 minutes with the owner trying to get her to concoct the unimaginable recipe of smearing a couple of quarts of ice cream on top of one cake and then putting another cake on top of that. I offered her $100 to perform this complicated task and I think I just about had her talked into it, until I told her it needed to be done ASAP before the strippers showed up. She hung up on me and no one there would answer the phone when I repeatedly tried to call back.I tried a few other places with no luck, but finally the Lake Orion DQ told me that they had ice cream cakes ready to go, but they closed in 15 minutes. He even agreed to a credit card payment - if I threw in an extra twenty bucks for the trouble.I called back the strippers, but they said there was no way they could get to Lake Orion before the DQ closed. So I told them to blow it off. That without an ice cream cake it would just be inferior schtick.Evidently the strippers had caller ID, because they called me back twenty minutes later and told me the Kroger sold Ice cream cakes. So I call the Lake Orion Kroger to see if I could charge one of their delicious cakes on my Mastercard for my hired performers ( I had learned that the sensibilities of Western Detroit merchants were offended when it came to holding cakes for strippers).My new-found decorum was lost on the Kroger manager, as he would not let me pay for a cake over the phone no matter who was picking it up.So I called back the strippers and told them it was still a no go because the Kroger wouldn't take a credit card over the phone.So they told me that if I would pay them $375 ($100 over the previously negotiated price) that they would pay for the cake themselves.Ok I said, relenting to their unrealistic demands due to my BAC and determination to see this task through. But that wasn't enough. Evidently the Detroit-based strippers were too inept to get to Lake Orion, unless I was willing to stay on the cell phone while they navigated to the privileged western regions of the county while read turn-by turn directions from Google maps.To help pass the time while they drove, I worked with them on the lyrics to Heart of Gold and Southern Man. Turns out they really did not know either song and were doing a woeful job of memorizing the words while I played an MP3 in the background during our phone conversation. My patience is running thin because they only remember half of the chorus to Southern Man and hardly any of Heart of GOld. But they finally make it to the Lake Orion Kroger.Once there they cannot find any ice cream cakes.They find ice cream and they find cakes. But no ice cream cakes.I figured if na Ice Cream shop owner (like Eva from Eva's ice Cream) in Michigan cannot figure out how to transform two cakes and half a gallon ice cream into a delicious ice cream cake - there's no way it worth even attempting to do it over a cell phone with two strippers from Detroit.At this point I've spent over three hours trying to get this done and I am ready to give up. I told them it had to be ice cream cake or the deal was off. They insisted that cake and ice cream was a suitable substitute and I was still obligated to go thru with the deal.Sorry, strippers, but that was not the agreement. Several minutes and hundreds of profanities later I turned off my cell and ended the once- flourishing relationship.About that time Charvik calls me on my home phone. I had left him a message several hours earlier to try and help me coordinate the stripper and ice cream cake fiasco. I briefly attempted to enlist his support in obtaining an ice cream cake, but I don't know if you have ever tried communicating with a drunken Norwegian who is barely understandable when sober, but its not pretty. Or productive. He finally hands off the phone to Forrest.I still ahve glimmers of hope that I may somehow pull this off as a surprise, so I have to chat with Forrest and pretend that I am just calling to wish him luck yada yada yada. I finally get his drunk ### off the phone and he gives the receiver to JTC, who is also in town for the festivities. His complete drunkenness makes him even more indecipherable than the drunken Norwegian who first called me. By this time its almost midnight and I decide to give up. I had given it my best shot and failed.Now I see the strippers charged me $375 with a $500 tip for their troubles. That seems excessive since they never delivered cake, took off their clothes or learned any of the Neil young lyrics. I think I may file a dispute over the charges.

This is easily your crowning achievement in life.

 

[EYLive]

My mother might have given the most awkward toast in the history of mankind last night, in front of my boss, coworkers and friends. It was....hell, I don't even know how to describe. It was to speeches what Elaine Benes was to dancing. I'm pretty sure the best way to sum it up will be to post the pictures of my sister's reaction, captured by her best friend who was watching her while my mom went on and on....I would have welcomed a tornado.

As promisedThat would be my mom's arm to the left

How'd you get screwed on pigment?

We got ourselves some AILF's up in here.

 

[SuperJohn96]

I went to a concert last night to see a buddy of mine I went to high school with. Long ago, he was part of Thin Ice, the hard rocking band that featured Chris Holt, Danny Mayfield, Rob Giles and a rotating door of singers and rhythm guitar players. I took harmonica lessons in an attempt to latch on with the band, but 5 lessons in it was clear I wasn't cut out for music. When you fail at the harmonica, it's a clear sign that you suck. The only person that enjoyed my harmonica playing was my pet ferret Seymour, who had this strange behavior of running out from under the couch to climb me like a squirrel when she heard it playing. Anyhow, I acted as the 'band manager' through out high school, meaning I just carried instruments and listened to them practice endlessly.

Rob Giles and Chris Holt both continue to play to this day, Chris rocking the Dallas Club Scene, while Giles tours and writes songs that get air time on TV shows in generic dramatic sequences. Both are quite talented, but I think the ceiling has been reached for both. But that's not what this is about.

Seems as if Giles parlayed his musical success into luck with the ladies as his wife joined him last night for the concert and introduced herself to me and my wife after the show. A stunning gal who looked vaguely familiar, I later learned that she is an actress (Caterina Scorsone ) on ABC's "Private Practice" and formerly the star of some Canadian show called 1-800 Missing, or some such. Anyhow, not the coolest story in the world, but I don't get out much and I certainly don't meet too many people who act or play music for a living. I was shocked that Giles remembered me as we hadn't seen each other since 1991. His wife was very charming and incredibly nice. I don't watch much non-reality, non-sports TV, but I might have to check this show out just to watch her.

From her IMDB page http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0778741/WTF?

26. When the Dark Man Calls (1995) (TV) .... Angie

 

[EYLive]

I don't know how to ride a bike. somehow I just neglected to learn growing up, and then at some point it became too embarrassing to try.

i don't how to dive into water without holding my nose. once i'm in the water, i can take my hand away without getting water up my nose. i used to try and be all sly about it. i would wait until the very last second before i hit the water before holding my nose. if i don't hold my nose, i get water up my schnoz and that sucks.

Exhale through your nose upon entry, you water-n00b.

 

[EYLive]

14 pics of hot chicks at the WC saying hi to boom king

I think I'm in love with 7. And 14.

#3 makes me want to rape the entire country of Argentina. Even Ginobili.

 

[strykerpks]

I just realized Monday that I never changed the oil on my edger. Ever.

Did anyone ever cover this, or am I missing the point? I've been staring at this post for a good minute trying to figure out if I should clue him in, or if I should be the one getting the hint.

2 cycle?

 

[jplvr]

I'm at home again today because Cal has a 100 degree fever. I think him, his brother and the dog have devised some sort of sinister plot to drive me insane.

I wish there was somebody in our family with a medical background that could take care of this for me.

I'm at home today because...well...I don't work in the summers. Oh, and some broad just called from a casting agency for a gameshow production company. She's looking for people to come in and tape pilot episodes for some new show. The catch is that I have to bring in 7 other people.

IN!!!!

She wants me to bring in teachers I work with.That would be pretty cool though "So how do all of you guys know each other?" "The internet."

This works in strip clubs...depending on how high the stripper is.

The correct answer in the strip club is, "I don't know that guy." Right, Forrest?

 

[SuperJohn96]

And remind him the FIRST TWO THINGS he should do when he gets in the car are adjust his mirrors so he can see and put his dickmitten in the glove box.

Step 1. Open the glove boxStep 2. Put your dickmitten in that glove box.Step 3. Make krista4 open that glove box.I like to read it and pronounce it as G-Love Box.

 

[jplvr]

BTW, I still don't know how I got purged from forrestmail. I open up my gmail every other month or so and shed a tear when I realize the good times are gone. I'm starting to think this happened around the time I told that stripper I didn't know you.