I'm not asking this for myself. I have a brother who's two years younger than me (mid-40s). We've never really been close as adults. For about nine years we lived just a couple miles from each other south of San Francisco but saw each other only a few times a year. I have two kids and he has twins, a boy and girl who are close in age to my oldest (8th-grade daughter). We also have a younger sister who lives in Brooklyn. Our parents were married for 40-plus years but my mom died in 2016, and since then my dad has lived with us (me, my wife and two kids). We live in San Diego. I'm not a very public person, so it feels strange posting this on a fantasy football message board. But the reality is that I'm ready to try anything to help this situation.
I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible because I don't want this to be a "woe is me" post/novella. The reason my brother has been so estranged from the rest of the family is his wife. I'm not going to sugarcoat it: She's the worst person I have ever known, by far. Over the years, we've been able to keep things civil. She has always been someone none of us liked dealing with, but we viewed it as a necessary evil if we wanted to see my brother and his kids. However, over the past nine months, things have escalated, to the point that I believe my brother suffers from emotional domestic abuse. Last October, my brother reached out to my sister and me because his marriage had severely deteriorated. Over the course of a few weeks, these were some of the things she did:
For the following six weeks, we corresponded regularly, and things at his home were again a total disaster. I was at first angry because I had previously dropped everything to help him, only to see him go back to her, and I didn't want to do that again. But we cleared the air, and it seemed that he was truly serious about getting legal help, which is what I encouraged. During this time, my dad and I received repeated hateful texts and emails from my brother's wife, who dredged up perceived slights from 15 years ago as "proof" that we've always hated her (example: my wife wore a white pantsuit to my brother's wedding in 2003, and my SIL has always believed my wife chose white in an attempt to upstage her, the bride). My brother also said his wife had taken to abusing opioids, but I have no proof of that. Whenever I would text him, he would immediately delete the message from his phone so that she wouldn't see it. He began asking me not to say too much over text or email. Finally, over Memorial Day weekend, he called me on speaker phone to say that he believed I was the cause for all the problems in his marriage. (His wife was with him, listening on speaker phone.) He sounded like a hostage reading from prepared text. He texted me shortly after to say he was lying to appease her. But whenever I tried to reach out after that, I didn't get any replies.
A few weeks ago I told him I'd be in the Bay Area for a week. I asked if he wanted to get together, since we hadn't seen each other in 18 months. He declined, saying he wanted to focus on his family. While we were up there, I texted him again but got no reply. This past weekend, my dad also texted him to say he'd be up there and asked if he wanted to get together. Instead, my dad got a reply from my brother's wife, angrily berating my dad. I found out my brother had blocked my cell number so he didn't receive my text while I was up there. After repeated harassing texts from my SIL, my dad blocked her because he couldn't take it anymore. I sent an email telling my brother I love him and that the rest of the family didn't want to lose contact with him. I got a rambling response that seemed to echo all the grudges and resentment his wife had spewed to us over the past months, basically demanding that we apologize to her to repair the damage we'd done. I replied with: "My email was simply meant to be supportive. We'll always love you and we'll always be here for you." That was the entirety of my reply. He called me in a rage, yelling and crying for about a minute before hanging up. Then I predictably got the berating emails from his wife. I didn't respond. I don't plan on trying to contact my brother anymore unless he initiates it.
All of this is to ask if anyone else has ever dealt with a similar situation. I realize this is just my side of the story, and for all anyone on this board knows, I could be equally as big a monster. All I can say is I've been with the same woman for 23 years and happily married for 20, for what that's worth. It's my firm belief that my brother's wife has broken him down like a dog, and that she got fed up with our advice that he seek legal help, so she has isolated him from the rest of us. From what I gather, she also has likely told him that he will never see his kids if he leaves her, along with whatever else to convince him that his life would be a living hell should he seek divorce. My dad spoke with my brother over the weekend, and everything out of his mouth was the opposite of the truth. You would have thought that my parents made my brother sleep outside growing up while their other kids were nice and warm indoors. (I should also say that there have been times when I've later found my brother failed to be completely truthful with me, so there could be things he has done to her that I don't know about. I maintain that she abuses him, however, based on patterns I've seen that match with descriptions of abuse I've read about.) I've begun asking around where I live to see if there are divorce/family law attorneys who might be able to give consultation on similar cases they've handled, but other than that, I'm at a loss on what to do, or even if there's anything to be done but wait. I worry about him constantly, as well as his kids.
TL;DR: My brother is married to a she-devil who I believe abuses him emotionally, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and what happened.
I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible because I don't want this to be a "woe is me" post/novella. The reason my brother has been so estranged from the rest of the family is his wife. I'm not going to sugarcoat it: She's the worst person I have ever known, by far. Over the years, we've been able to keep things civil. She has always been someone none of us liked dealing with, but we viewed it as a necessary evil if we wanted to see my brother and his kids. However, over the past nine months, things have escalated, to the point that I believe my brother suffers from emotional domestic abuse. Last October, my brother reached out to my sister and me because his marriage had severely deteriorated. Over the course of a few weeks, these were some of the things she did:
- When my sister emailed my brother a link regarding emotional domestic abuse, it was his wife who replied to my sister, using my brother's account. It was then we realized that my sister-in-law monitors my brother's texts and emails. My SIL proceeded to repeatedly email and text my sister, mocking the domestic abuse claim.
- When my brother was due to leave for a business trip, his wife repeatedly threatened to call the cops, citing "abandonment" and other things. I convinced my brother to consult a lawyer. He never retained one, but he did call a law office, which assured him that leaving town for business isn't abandonment. Still, each day was a never-ending litany of calls, emails and texts to him from her about how he wasn't allowed to leave town because she hadn't agreed to it.
- The night before his trip, his wife took his license and passport and hid them, and took all of his dress shirts and tried to hide them outside. The next day she went to their scheduled marriage therapy appointment by herself. My brother called in to the appointment and said he couldn't attend because his wife took his license, which his wife apparently admitted to the therapist. My brother did get his license and passport back, but before leaving on his trip, his wife grabbed his iPad, ran outside into the street and smashed it.
For the following six weeks, we corresponded regularly, and things at his home were again a total disaster. I was at first angry because I had previously dropped everything to help him, only to see him go back to her, and I didn't want to do that again. But we cleared the air, and it seemed that he was truly serious about getting legal help, which is what I encouraged. During this time, my dad and I received repeated hateful texts and emails from my brother's wife, who dredged up perceived slights from 15 years ago as "proof" that we've always hated her (example: my wife wore a white pantsuit to my brother's wedding in 2003, and my SIL has always believed my wife chose white in an attempt to upstage her, the bride). My brother also said his wife had taken to abusing opioids, but I have no proof of that. Whenever I would text him, he would immediately delete the message from his phone so that she wouldn't see it. He began asking me not to say too much over text or email. Finally, over Memorial Day weekend, he called me on speaker phone to say that he believed I was the cause for all the problems in his marriage. (His wife was with him, listening on speaker phone.) He sounded like a hostage reading from prepared text. He texted me shortly after to say he was lying to appease her. But whenever I tried to reach out after that, I didn't get any replies.
A few weeks ago I told him I'd be in the Bay Area for a week. I asked if he wanted to get together, since we hadn't seen each other in 18 months. He declined, saying he wanted to focus on his family. While we were up there, I texted him again but got no reply. This past weekend, my dad also texted him to say he'd be up there and asked if he wanted to get together. Instead, my dad got a reply from my brother's wife, angrily berating my dad. I found out my brother had blocked my cell number so he didn't receive my text while I was up there. After repeated harassing texts from my SIL, my dad blocked her because he couldn't take it anymore. I sent an email telling my brother I love him and that the rest of the family didn't want to lose contact with him. I got a rambling response that seemed to echo all the grudges and resentment his wife had spewed to us over the past months, basically demanding that we apologize to her to repair the damage we'd done. I replied with: "My email was simply meant to be supportive. We'll always love you and we'll always be here for you." That was the entirety of my reply. He called me in a rage, yelling and crying for about a minute before hanging up. Then I predictably got the berating emails from his wife. I didn't respond. I don't plan on trying to contact my brother anymore unless he initiates it.
All of this is to ask if anyone else has ever dealt with a similar situation. I realize this is just my side of the story, and for all anyone on this board knows, I could be equally as big a monster. All I can say is I've been with the same woman for 23 years and happily married for 20, for what that's worth. It's my firm belief that my brother's wife has broken him down like a dog, and that she got fed up with our advice that he seek legal help, so she has isolated him from the rest of us. From what I gather, she also has likely told him that he will never see his kids if he leaves her, along with whatever else to convince him that his life would be a living hell should he seek divorce. My dad spoke with my brother over the weekend, and everything out of his mouth was the opposite of the truth. You would have thought that my parents made my brother sleep outside growing up while their other kids were nice and warm indoors. (I should also say that there have been times when I've later found my brother failed to be completely truthful with me, so there could be things he has done to her that I don't know about. I maintain that she abuses him, however, based on patterns I've seen that match with descriptions of abuse I've read about.) I've begun asking around where I live to see if there are divorce/family law attorneys who might be able to give consultation on similar cases they've handled, but other than that, I'm at a loss on what to do, or even if there's anything to be done but wait. I worry about him constantly, as well as his kids.
TL;DR: My brother is married to a she-devil who I believe abuses him emotionally, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and what happened.
