It's been a while since I thought much about what my story is, partly because I think I have a pretty boring story. How I got to where I am today just doesn't make a good movie so it's not one that I play over and over in my mind. But, there's been discussion in this thread about the value of telling our stories, so here it goes.
I have always lived in a Christian home. My parents met at a Christian college. My mom was a preacher’s kid. My dad (who definitely would have a much more interesting story than me – he’s been through some stuff) mostly grew up without a dad and was raised by his mother and spent quite a bit of time with his grandmother, both of which raised him in a Christian home.
By “Christian home”, I mean going to church every week (multiple times a week!), talking about God in the house, and Christianity just being part of our daily lives. It was as much a part of our lives as eating; it’s just what we did. “What are we doing this Sunday?” was never a question.
I have an older sister and brother. Both of them are married with kids and I’m married with kids. We all married Christian spouses and raised kids in that same kind of Christian home mentioned above. Of our kids, the ones who are married are married to Christian spouses. Some of us went to Christian colleges and have some kids who have done the same.
As I’ve grown older, I can realize that I would classify our upbringing as being Conservative Evangelical. However, we are far from what image that my bring to some people’s minds. We didn’t hear fire and brimstone sermons. I can probably count on one hand how many times I heard a sermon on homosexuality and they were usually something like, “Let me spend a few minutes showing why I think the Bible says it is a sin and then the rest of the sermon I’m going to focus on how we need to act lovingly regardless of how we feel about the sin.” My family, along with my dad, are still part of the same congregation that I (and my wife) grew up in. I think it’s a great congregation.
If I have any major qualms with this congregation over the years, it would be with what I now perceive to be an over-prioritization of salvation. I think I shared earlier in this thread that I heard so many sermons on “salvation by grace, not by works” that, in my young mind, I discounted the importance of works (good deeds). Sure, we talked some about the importance of doing good, but the primary focus was always on our own personal, individual salvation. At least that’s how I interpreted things. I probably shouldn’t fully trust the interpretation of 12-year-old me, but that was my main takeaway. I could have missed the point. I think it’s different today than when I was kid. We now have a heavy focus on discipleship. We don’t ignore salvation, but it’s not the topic of every sermon.
In my church tradition, when we talk about salvation, we talk about baptism. They go hand-in-hand. The usual path of kids growing up in a church like this was to be baptized at some point during your time in the youth group. But, something just never clicking for me. “You keep telling me that I’m saved by grace and I don’t need to do anything, but then you tell me I need to be baptized. That’s confusing to me.” I didn’t really talk about it much, though. I always felt like I thought differently than others and I was never comfortable raising these types of questions. Eventually, at the age of 23, I finally decided that I do think I should be baptized even if I haven’t figured out fully what I think about it. If I wasn’t willing to put aside my need for it to all make sense, then could I really call myself a Christian? I would have labeled myself a follower of Jesus before being baptized, but I had this problem that I was refusing to do something just because I wanted more clarity and, frankly, because I was a bit stubborn in that I refused to do something because everyone said I had to do it. Ultimately, I think I was baptized because I saw it as something that I should do if I’m claiming to follow Jesus. Also, to be honest, one of my aversions to being baptized was the thought of being in front of hundreds of people. That scared me since I was really shy back then. So, I ended up being baptized in front of just a few people on a Saturday in our church.
Coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally for those who believe in the work of the Holy Spirit), around that time, I started to become super aware of my porn addiction. Sure, I always knew it was something that I shouldn’t do. At this time, I switched from a kind of “Eh, I shouldn’t be doing this” to “Wow, I really shouldn’t be doing this!” I became extra aware of my sin. Pile on some good old fashion conservative Christian feelings of guilt and it really ate at me. I could go on and on about this, but I’ll just say for now that it is still something I struggle with today (and I assume always will unless I eliminate all screens and alone time from my life) and the thing I have found most helpful is being in discussion with other men who are struggling. It’s one of those things that is so widespread yet talked about so little in the church. Having a group to share with never “cured” me, but it has helped. I haven’t had a group like that in a long time, though.
One thing I started to learn about my dad as I got older is that studying Christianity and the Bible became a hobby of his. His starting point would have been much more conservative than mine and I think he has changed quite a bit of his thinking over the years. As he told me once, “I started out with a small group of scholars I was learning from. Over time, that circle has grown and now I’m learning from scholars who disagree with those scholars I started with.” He definitely has a big dislike for certain viewpoints, but he has a desire to learn and for truth that keeps him learning. Pretty impressive for someone who turns 80 later this year.
Most years at Christmas, he has given each of us kids some kind of resource (a book, video series, etc). For most of those, I was appreciative but rarely ever looked at them. I wanted to be interested. I had a lot of questions, but I just didn’t know what to do with any of it. I didn’t know where to start. Eventually, one of the ministers at my church and my dad were teaching a class that piqued my interest. A big part of it was focusing on the context of scripture and the Jewishness of Jesus. It was probably the first time I really liked a church class. But, I was still left in this “I don’t know what to do with this” stage.
In the Summer of 2021, a podcast was suggested to me by my siblings. Like that class at church, it focused heavily on the context and Jewishness of the Bible. And, what I really liked, is that it was an intentional curriculum through the Bible (it was a college curriculum put into podcast format). 200+ episodes starting with Genesis, going all the way through to Revelation, and then even some discussion on church history to bring us up to today. The content was interesting and it was packaged in a way that drew me in. Also, it really helped that it was a podcast. Up until that point in my life, I probably read less than 10 books in my life. I often said, “I don’t like reading.” It turns out, I’m just really picky about what I read. After binging my way through those 200+ episodes in less than six months, I’ve probably read about 50 books related to the Bible, Christianity, and Judaism.
Also after getting through that podcast, I couldn’t help but want to do something with what I learned. It wasn’t just about my own personal learning. I wanted to share and discuss. So, I started a group at my church and we went through the podcast together. We’d listen to a couple episodes during the week and then come together to discuss. That took about 2 ½ years and we had a great group of people who were seeing the Bible and God in a new way and having discussions they’d never had before. It was an environment where people felt safe to ask their questions and express things that they never felt comfortable sharing in the usual classes. Since then, we’ve continued with a couple other studies and I’ve taught other classes, too. Recently, I volunteered to be on our Adult Education Team, and I’m really looking forward to help shape how we learn and how that impacts our call to be disciples of Jesus.
My siblings are on a similar journey. We are all learning similar things and stretching ourselves. We have conversations that we never had before. This is in large part thanks to my dad and the journey he started. That has greatly influenced us. But, don’t tell my dad that I read Bart Ehrman…and ejoyed it!
This part of my life has brought more doubt than I’ve ever experienced. I’ve struggled with whether or not to invite others on this journey (through teaching classes and helping to shape education at my church), knowing it can lead to some pretty serious doubts. But, interestingly, I’ve also never had a stronger faith. I never would have guessed that doubt and faith can coexist so well, and I’d even say that doubt is part of my path to a more faithful life.