What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Jokes/Laughter Thread (1 Viewer)

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

 
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

 
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, her husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

 
What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but their daddies end up playing with them.

 
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Never laugh at your girlfriend's choices.

You're one of them.

 
I was on a flight the other day and I found I'd been seated next to a beautiful young woman.

As I sat down next to her I said, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

She said, "Yes, but I wasn't prepared to pay."

 
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

 
rustycolts said:
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
Click to expand...
I've heard a variation of this:

Why do all Mexican and black jokes sound alike?

When you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

 
rustycolts said:
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
Click to expand...
Reminds me of another joke.  Loosely told:

A man discovers his wife is cheating on him and is enraged. He hires a hitman to take both of them out.  The husband's only request is that his wife gets shot in the head and her lover gets his #### blown off.  The hitman agrees and says the charge is $5,000 per bullet.

On the night it's to happen, the husband leads the hitman to the location and is waiting for him to shoot them both. Minutes pass and nothing happens. Finally the husband asks what's going on and the hitman replies "just wait about 2 more minutes and I can save you $5,000".

 
A Doctor at a lecture:

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 

» Red meat is full of steroids and dye. 
» Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. 
» Chinese food is loaded with MSG. 
» High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and
» long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. 

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. 
Can anyone tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 


After several seconds of quiet, a 86-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 
I have an EpiPen that my friend gave to me as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

 
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.

I gave her superglue instead.

She's still not talking to me.

 
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. 

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on" 

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?" 

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

 
IMAX 3D said:
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. 

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on" 

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?" 

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Click to expand...
I remember this old chestnut.

 
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

 
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . 
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. 
They started crying and turned around and went home.

 
I went to the hardware store and asked the guy in the paint section if they could match light shades of cerwunden.  He said there's no such color as that name.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

 
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

 
I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said, "Ooh, yes."

I said, "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

 
One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.

The first woman says,  "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."

The second woman replies, "I know..."

The first woman is surprised and asks, "How do you know?"

The second woman says, "My dog told me."

 
A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back.

The doctor says to him, "Well sir, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The man asks for the good news first so the doctor frowns and says, "The good news is we're naming it after you."

 
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.... 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

 
So a man walks into a bar and the first thing he notices is a tiny man playing a tiny piano.

So the man says to the bar tender whats up with the tiny dude playing that little piano.

The bar tender replied in the back room there is a genie that will grant you a single wish.

Amazed the man runs into the back room and sure enough there is the genie.

The man says to the genie I hear you are granting wishes.

The genie replies that is correct I will grant you a single wish.

The man immediately wishes for a million bucks.

All of a sudden the room fills up with ducks just a quackin and crapin everywhere.

The man runs out of the room and says to the bar tender there is something wrong with that genie.

I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks.

The bar tender says I know.  Do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?

 
A teacher asked her student, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

The student answered, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."

The puzzled teacher asked, "What?  Where did you come up with that?"

The student shrugged and said, "Yesterday you said it was H to O."

 
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”

The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.

The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.

Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.

“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”

 
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers” she said. “That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.” 

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!” 

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”

 
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”

“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”

The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

 
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer! 

The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? 

The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”

 
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar. 

The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list. Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody’s amazement, he orders tea.

“Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they’ve stumbled on an embarrassing secret. 

“Naaaah” replies Guinness, “If you guys aren’t going to drink beer, then neither will I!”

 
Fearing that he would be late for an important business meeting in London, a motorist was beginning to panic because he couldn’t find a parking space. Street after street was full, and growing ever more desperate, he decided to seek help from the Almighty.

Looking up to Heaven, he said: “Lord, please help me out here. If you find me a parking space, I’ll give up drink and women and go to Mass every Sunday.”

Then as he turned the corner, miraculously a parking space appeared.

He looked skyward again and said: “Never mind, I found one.”

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Sand
***Official 2025 Pro Cycling Thread*** - Come Dope with Us - Viva La Vuelta!!
56 57 58
Replies
3K
Views
54K
Tick
Tick
kutta
***Official 2025 Footballguy T-Shirt Exchange - OCT 12 SHIPPING DEADLINE (extended 2 weeks)***
3 4 5
Replies
212
Views
5K
Keerock
Keerock
BobbyLayne
Yes, Gen Z is staring at you. The question is why.
2
Replies
77
Views
3K
QUEZILLA
Q

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)
Back
Top