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Jokes/Laughter Thread (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter fantasycurse42
- Start date
GregR
Footballguy
Mr. Ected
Footballguy
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
rustycolts
Footballguy
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, “I'll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, “I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!”
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, “I'll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, “I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!”
badmojo1006
Footballguy
What is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in church has hope in her soul...
The girl in church has hope in her soul...
GregR
Footballguy
A speech therapist was working with a preschooler on body-part identification and the "k" sound. To that end, she had the boy use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of her.
“Is that my neck?” she asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” she asked.
“No, that’s your other chin.”
“Is that my neck?” she asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” she asked.
“No, that’s your other chin.”
GregR
Footballguy
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
My wife told me I was immature. I told her to get the hell out of my treehouse.
Angry Beavers
Footballguy
Mr. Ected said:
What is the similarity between Bud Light and making love in a canoe?Mr. Ected said:
They are both f-ing close to water.........
Franknbeans
Footballguy
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into
a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool.”
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into
a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool.”
Understanding Engineers:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
GregR
Footballguy
What happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
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bostonfred
Footballguy
I heard a good joke about a guy who got glitter in his speedo. It was pretty nuts.
GregR
Footballguy
A teenager and her father were riding in the car together.
Teen: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Dad: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Teen: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Dad: What is a vowel?
Teen: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Dad: Close enough.
Teen: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Dad: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Teen: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Dad: What is a vowel?
Teen: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Dad: Close enough.
Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.
He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.
"Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"...
Paddy says, "I am sir."
The preacher puts him under the water then says, "Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir."
He puts him under for longer. "Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir."
He puts him under for two minutes. "Have you found Jesus?"
Paddy says, "Are you feckin sure this is where he fell in"?
He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.
"Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"...
Paddy says, "I am sir."
The preacher puts him under the water then says, "Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir."
He puts him under for longer. "Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir."
He puts him under for two minutes. "Have you found Jesus?"
Paddy says, "Are you feckin sure this is where he fell in"?
GregR
Footballguy
I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end, “there’s a cute guy standing here." She then hung up the phone, and before I could react she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.” 
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steelerfan1
Footballguy
rustycolts
Footballguy
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
ProstheticRGK
Footballguy
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
bostonfred
Footballguy
A snail goes to the doctor's office and says
"Doctor...
... you have to...
Help.... me
I...
Seem.... to...
have...
Lost... my...
Shell
The doctor says, "Well, i'm sorry to hear that, but i'm not sure i can help you. You see, i'm not a veterinarian, i'm a people doctor. But if i can help, i'll try. Are you in any pain? "
"No...
It doesn't...
... hurt....
But i'm....
Feeling...
A little..
...sluggish...
"Doctor...
... you have to...
Help.... me
I...
Seem.... to...
have...
Lost... my...
Shell
The doctor says, "Well, i'm sorry to hear that, but i'm not sure i can help you. You see, i'm not a veterinarian, i'm a people doctor. But if i can help, i'll try. Are you in any pain? "
"No...
It doesn't...
... hurt....
But i'm....
Feeling...
A little..
...sluggish...
Franknbeans
Footballguy
What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?
Comet
Comet
GregR
Footballguy
A couple's bachelor neighbor was shipping some household goods from his parents' home in Connecticut to Texas. The moving van would arrive ahead of him, so the wife agreed to open up the neighbor's house. At 4:30 a.m. on the scheduled day, the couple's phone rang.
The trucker was outside Houston and needed specific directions. The wife talked to him briefly and crawled back into bed.
"You gave that poor man such a roundabout route that it'll take him an extra hour to get here!" the husband exclaimed.
"I know," his wife said. "Turn off the light."
One wintry Sunday morning, a couple were luxuriating in their cozy bed. "Let's get the Sunday paper and read it here!" the wife suggested.
The husband yawned lazily. "Okay," he responded. "But which one of us is `Let's'?"
My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.”
She wrote: “Driver.”
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair.
He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
The trucker was outside Houston and needed specific directions. The wife talked to him briefly and crawled back into bed.
"You gave that poor man such a roundabout route that it'll take him an extra hour to get here!" the husband exclaimed.
"I know," his wife said. "Turn off the light."
One wintry Sunday morning, a couple were luxuriating in their cozy bed. "Let's get the Sunday paper and read it here!" the wife suggested.
The husband yawned lazily. "Okay," he responded. "But which one of us is `Let's'?"
My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.”
She wrote: “Driver.”
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair.
He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
These type are great. Been looking at some that teachers claim to be actual answers to tests.GregR said:
http://justsomething.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/brilliant-kids-test-answers-12.jpg
http://img2.rnkr-static.com/list_img_v2/11690/1731690/full/funny-kids-test-answers-u2.jpg
http://justsomething.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/brilliant-kids-test-answers-7.jpg
bostonfred
Footballguy
steelerfan1
Footballguy
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have cheap insurance, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have cheap insurance, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
rustycolts
Footballguy
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
rustycolts
Footballguy
Two blondes walk into a tanning salon.
The receptionist asks are you two sisters?
They laugh and reply no we aren't even Catholic.
The receptionist asks are you two sisters?
They laugh and reply no we aren't even Catholic.
skol asylum
Footballguy
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
rustycolts
Footballguy
A blonde sees a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Nathan R. Jessep
Footballguy
What do you call a Mexican gym bro who's out of protein powder?
No Whey Jose
The Duff Man
Footballguy
A woman went to a pet store to buy a parrot and the store had ones for $200, $150 and $100.
She asked why one cost $100 and the clerk informed her that this parrot used to live in a whore house.
Laughing the woman bought it and took it home.
Upon getting home the woman is delighted when the parrot pronounces, “A new whore house!”
When her two daughters come in, the parrot exclaims, “Two new girls!” and they all laugh.
When her husband walks in the door the parrot squawks, “Hey Joe, you found the new place!”
She asked why one cost $100 and the clerk informed her that this parrot used to live in a whore house.
Laughing the woman bought it and took it home.
Upon getting home the woman is delighted when the parrot pronounces, “A new whore house!”
When her two daughters come in, the parrot exclaims, “Two new girls!” and they all laugh.
When her husband walks in the door the parrot squawks, “Hey Joe, you found the new place!”
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
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