Jokes/Laughter Thread (2 Viewers)

[GregR]

An old man lived alone in the country. It was spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie

 

[GregR]

A hole was found bored into the fence surrounding a nudist camp.

Police are looking into it.

 

[Snoopy]

A hole was found bored into the fence surrounding a nudist camp.

Police are looking into it.

At least nothing exciting was going on.

 

[Chaz McNulty]

Charlie goes to the doctors to get his first ever colonoscopy.

The Doctor walks in and puts on the latex gloves, and says "OK Jeff. I know this is your first time. Try not to get an erection".

Charlie looks side-eyed at the Doctor and Says "My name's Charlie".

The Doctor replies, "I know. My names Jeff. Nice to meet you."

 

[Leroy Hoard]

A hole was found bored into the fence surrounding a nudist camp.

Police are looking into it.

In related news, all the toilets were stolen from a local police station. Police have nothing to go on.

 

[matttyl]

I recently saw pictures of the Mt Rushmore site prior to the carvings being done. It was a beautiful landscape. In fact, it was unprecedented.

 

[MTskibum]

I recently saw pictures of the Mt Rushmore site prior to the carvings being done. It was a beautiful landscape. In fact, it was unprecedented.

Ha, you got me. I opened this thread in bed at 6:30 am, but then rushed to get to work and then opened my phone up to take a break and for some reason I thought I was in the national park thread.

I wrote an embarrassing reply, which I quickly deleted.

 

[TennesseeJed]

When my wife finally awoke from her coma in the hospital this morning, I decided to give her the good news first.

“Darling, the doctors say you’re going to pull through.”

“Tell me the bad news “, she whispered.

“You’ve failed your driving test.”

 

[FreeBaGeL]

I recently saw pictures of the Mt Rushmore site prior to the carvings being done. It was a beautiful landscape. In fact, it was unprecedented.

It was unpresidented*

 

[matttyl]

I recently saw pictures of the Mt Rushmore site prior to the carvings being done. It was a beautiful landscape. In fact, it was unprecedented.

It was unpresidented*

I didn’t want to totally give it away.

 

[GregR]

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.