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Marriage advice (1 Viewer)

seriously though, I would echo some of the sentiments about depression for one or both of you.  the individual counseling would likely help you figure out what you really want and whether it is really worth staying. Lotta people suggesting divorce.  I'm going to take contrarian position and recommend you get a second wife.  She can do a lot of the chores and hopefully give you more sex.  Win-Win-Win.

 
bananafish said:
I'll just echo the urge for individual counseling. It will probably end up negating the need for couples therapy in the end, anyways, as he realizes this unhappy marriage is
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I suspect this will be the case. Neither are in the correct state of mind to make a good decision as a couple according to the way the OP outlined things, but they most definitely need to get their #### together individually before they have any hope of figuring out if they're viable as a couple

 
I'd say get individual counseling for yourself. Work on  you which includes getting in shape. Do not have kids. You are 33, a long long life ahead of you. Why do you want to stay with someone who has no interest in you and had not much more before marriage?? You're with the wrong person. The sooner you move on, the sooner you will both be in  a much better place. Good luck.

 
1. She doesn't respect you (doing chores doesn't make her happy, it make you look like her #####)

2. She is cheating on you. (she lost weight, she works so she is being hit on, women are horny creatures, they do not go years without sex if they are that age and in shape).

3. Call a lawyer Monday, meet next week, file for divorce ASAP.

4. Start potato diet or keto diet or something within a week. Spend a few days researching, find one you can commit to.

5. Start walking/running tonight. Do it every day until you get your first piece of strange, then scale back to 5 days/wk. It will improve your physical and mental health. Do some push ups too.

6. Quit watching network TV and looking at Facebook. For entertainment, watch Californication and Mad Men. 

7. I would say do not get her pregnant, but it sounds like you don't have to worry about that.

8. Be thankful you have no kids, a good job, and are early 30's. You are what the world calls a "catch" if you can improve your fitness and mindset. 

9. With Tinder, OKC, PoF, Bumble, Colombian Cupid, Date in Asia, Filipino Cupid, etc there are literally thousands of women world wide looking to get laid right now and you can contact them while sitting in your underwear on your couch. 

10. Do not hold on to the romantic notion that she is the one, you made a commitment and can't break it, it is not Christian to divorce, etc. This is your life to live. Opportunity is knocking on your door. Put down the dish rag and go answer the door. 

 
Dignan_ said:
2. She is cheating on you. (she lost weight, she works so she is being hit on, women are horny creatures, they do not go years without sex if they are that age and in shape).
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It wouldn't be a shock if she's been keeping in touch with the guy she was seeing during their break. Might not be physical but I wouldn't be shocked if she's texting that guy or another.

 
Agree 100% with get in shape and DO NOT HAVE KIDS.

I'm in the camp that she is cheating on you. Hire an investigator. I don't know much about divorce law, but it might save you a lot of money in the long run if you can get the goods on her.

 
Haven't really read a lot of the responses to be honest. My previous response of GET DIVORCED NOW still stands. Relationships don't improve, they only deteriorate. Sorry, but anything other than a divorce will bring more pain and suffering on an already untenable situation. Get your life back and remember what it's like to live.

 
Statcruncher said:
Relationships don't improve, they only deteriorate. 
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I've read your posts about what happened in your marriage and it's horrible and I wish you luck.  Having said that, the above is just crazy talk.  I actually agree for the OP to get a divorce tomorrow but plenty of people have poor relationships that improve.  Sorry if I'm misreading what you wrote.

 
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AAABatteries said:
I've read your posts about what happened in your marriage and it's horrible and I wish you luck.  Having said that, the above is just crazy talk.  I actually agree for the OP to get a divorce tomorrow but plenty of people have poor relationships that improve.  Sorry if I'm misreading what you wrote.
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Agreed, but it requires both to work at the relationship.  For that to happen they both have to give a ####. 

 
I think for the most part, it's a fairly well known fact that wedding cake causes a woman's sex drive to diminish by about 75% over the first three years after ingesting it. To go in to a marriage where sex is already fairly non-existent is pretty mind-boggling to me. Unless of course the other partner also doesn't really like sex much either.

 
"For better or worse"  applies to external conditions, not when one or both parties refuse to make it better and/or are actively making it worse. 

Your vow wasn't too stay with someone no matter how miserable they make you. 

 
Andy Dufresne said:
"For better or worse"  applies to external conditions, not when one or both parties refuse to make it better and/or are actively making it worse. 

Your vow wasn't too stay with someone no matter how miserable they make you. 
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The concept of a marriage "vow" was invented by the church, not by God or the Bible.

 
Get out.. Now. The longer you stick around the more alimony you are going to be paying to a woman who doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart.

I know that it sucks to think about divorce, like it is a failure, or giving up but it really might be the best thing for you.  

G'luck

 
Otis said:
Best line: "Sex life non-existent and has been since before we got married. I guess I thought it would change when we got hitched."

OOF 
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most women wait until at least a few months after sealing the deal before sealing the mineshaft. risky move on her part to cut him off before locking up that alimony money. not sure how a guy goes to the altar with a woman who won't #### him BEFORE marriage.

at 33, no kids. run for the hills and don't look back. if you see her in public, pretend you have no idea who she is.

 
I would even caution you on trying to work this out.

Let's play this out....

You work it out and seem happy for 18 month.

You get her pregnant. 

Congrats

A marriage changes sooooo much when a child enters the picture.  You will change when you become a father. Your wife and her mind and body will go through enormous changes after a child.

What are the chances at that point things will remain ok?

What are the chances they revert back to the miserable status you currently find yourself in?

 
comfortably numb said:
I would even caution you on trying to work this out.

Let's play this out....

You work it out and seem happy for 18 month.

You get her pregnant. 

Congrats

A marriage changes sooooo much when a child enters the picture.  You will change when you become a father. Your wife and her mind and body will go through enormous changes after a child.

What are the chances at that point things will remain ok?

What are the chances they revert back to the miserable status you currently find yourself in?
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No doubt it'd be worse with a baby in the pic. It's hard even for couples who are pretty stable much less this situation. You can't change a whole lot from who you are. You can pitch in more to help and things like that, but if you aren't meant for each other, it's not going to last long..

 
Thanks for all the comments. Still a lot to sift through and think about. 

For those who say counseling - would you recommend individual counseling with the same or different people? If the same person, is that who you would recommend also going to joint counseling with? 

For those who say divorce - I wouldn't even know where to start other than looking up reviews and calling. What questions should be asked, what costs am I looking at, etc. ? 

For those who say work out and diet, I am on it. 

 
Yep, whether or not it leads to a kid, either way, trying to work this out is just wasted time. Even just 3 more months wasted at this point is just way too much time. You've got about 80 months until you turn 40. 

 
Counseling won't help you two as a couple. This relationship is not meant to be. If it works out to where you are happy, color me bad, but I have yet to see such issues that stemmed before marriage work out well to where both parties are happy or for long.

 
CurlyNight said:
Counseling won't help you two as a couple. This relationship is not meant to be. If it works out to where you are happy, color me bad, but I have yet to see such issues that stemmed before marriage work out well to where both parties are happy or for long.
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I understand this sentiment for sure, and I don't necessarily disagree with it, but it seems like an extra 3 months doing everything to make it work wouldn't be the worse thing in the world. 

She was a psychologist before she quit to start a business, so I'm not sure she will even go for counseling. 

 
Help Wanted said:
 but it seems like an extra 3 months doing everything to make it work wouldn't be the worse thing in the world. 
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Get a divorce as soon as possible.  In 3 months you will again think of a reason to continue to work on the marriage for the next three months - lather, rinse, repeat.  The longer you wait the harder it will be.

With no kids and no sex, this is an easy decision IMO.  Would you stay with this woman if you were just dating instead of being married?  You guys sure seems incompatible to me.  Why would you stay under these conditions other than the vow?  

 
Help Wanted said:
I understand this sentiment for sure, and I don't necessarily disagree with it, but it seems like an extra 3 months doing everything to make it work wouldn't be the worse thing in the world. 
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I can respect you giving it 3 more months to try and work things out. I think you can also work on improving yourself over that time. Women are 1000 times better than guys in end of the relationship situations. A woman in your situation would either have the next dude picked out or would at least be taking huge self improvement steps. A lot of the guys I know in your situation know it's coming, but don't do anything about it and end up depressed and mopey right after it ends. Here's what I'll do after my next big breakup.

1. Go see a divorce lawyer now. For all you know, walking into his office gives you new perspective and really makes you work to stick it out over the next few months. Or it might do the opposite.

2. Start getting into shape. Do P90x. Start going to the gym and lifting. Start taking BJJ classes. Whatever. Find something that works for you. In any scenario, having some physical activity is going to increase your happiness and overall mental health. You're going through a difficult time, and you deserve to get better.

3. Pick up some hobbies outside of work and your wife. This certainly goes hand-in-hand with the above. Bird watching, yoga, rock climbing, martial arts, stamp collecting. It doesn't matter. Spend some time on yourself.

4.. Pick up a decent camera. You can either buy one or borrow one. Get some good pictures of yourself. You want a few of you looking hot as ####. Anyone looks good if you take enough photos. Your confidence is going to go up just by seeing yourself look great. You want a few more of you doing cool stuff. Go skydiving. They take your picture during the jump. The goal is to get some pictures that you might use later, but in the mean time you're jumping out of airplanes or skiing or hiking or whatever. 

If you fix your marriage in the next 90 days, this is all just gravy. If your marriage does not work out, you download Tinder and Bumble. You've got killer pictures of you looking great and doing cool #### that are high quality. Making the out of focus cell phone selfies and sad, desperate profiles that you're competing against look awful in comparison. Either way you're in shape, you've picked up new activities that are enjoyable, and you've had life experiences that you otherwise wouldn't. 

 
Help Wanted said:
Because it isn't supposed to happen? Because we pledged til "death do us part"? Because I would still rather it work and us be happy together than happy apart? 
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Sorry, but I'm laughing hysterically at the belief that something isn't supposed to happen that happens 50% of the time.  

You have a crappy starter marriage.  Move on and learn from this.

 
If Dentist was still waving tne nomarriage.com flag, you probably could have avoided this whole fiasco.  So, I blame Dentist.  Plus, he's a dentist so hating him comes natural.

 
Help Wanted said:
I understand this sentiment for sure, and I don't necessarily disagree with it, but it seems like an extra 3 months doing everything to make it work wouldn't be the worse thing in the world. 

She was a psychologist before she quit to start a business, so I'm not sure she will even go for counseling. 
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I hope she doesn't start analyzing what's wrong because it'll probably be aimed at you. There's nothing wrong with either one of you. You are just not two peas in a pod to be married..

 
So you've been sexless basically since 28, and you're even thinking about this? No kids or hormones to blame either.  Not normal, not acceptable, no way to live life.  End it as gracefully as you can and move on. 

 
Help Wanted said:
I understand this sentiment for sure, and I don't necessarily disagree with it, but it seems like an extra 3 months doing everything to make it work wouldn't be the worse thing in the world. 

She was a psychologist before she quit to start a business, so I'm not sure she will even go for counseling. 
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Explains a lot. 

 
bananafish said:
Sounds like you rushed into marriage and both married the wrong person to begin with. Doesn't sound like there's much to save, actually.
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He knew her for years, dated for a while, then after some time apart dated another 6 months, before engagement (time of engagement not stated but immaterial)...that's not exactly "rushing" into marriage!

 
Believe it or not women love sex just as much as men. Sex is a very important part of marriage. When two people love each other, sex is used to express each others love to one another. It's how people like my wife and myself can continue to have great sex after 12 years of marriage. My wife and I aren't exactly the sexiest people on the planet. We're decent looking enough but our love for each other is what makes us desire each other in bed. The fact that your wife and you barely had sex before you got married should have been a huge red flag that you didn't love each other. This is not your fault or your wife's fault. You both made a mistake getting married. It's time to move on. Counseling won't help you rekindle some long lost love because you didn't even have it before you got married.

 
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So basically to sum up the consensus here, you have an opportunity a lot of us never had. You're married but have no kids. You have a get out of jail free card. On top of that, it doesn't even sound like either of you love each other. It sounds like pride for not quitting is literally the only thing keeping you in it to win it. 

This is the easiest layup in the history of Relationships.  Don't clang it off the backboard and waste anymore of your prime that you could be knee deep in poon.

 
1) Don't get her pregnant

2) Start counseling

3) Stop working 2 jobs and 12-16 hour days

4) Get her to get a job with a decent salary

5) wait a few months

6) file for divorce

Sure, it's a short term hit to your finances, but it'll help out immensely in the long term.

 
From your POV, it seems like you've done no wrong...

But if you were to think on it, have you disappointed her in any way?

 
Help Wanted said:
I understand this sentiment for sure, and I don't necessarily disagree with it, but it seems like an extra 3 months doing everything to make it work wouldn't be the worse thing in the world. 

She was a psychologist before she quit to start a business, so I'm not sure she will even go for counseling. 
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Have you guys even talked about how unhappy you are? And if so, what was discussed?

 
I skimmed all of this, but I have some questions about her health.

Is she depressed?  Like medically diagnosed as depressed.  If so, does she take any meds for this?  Depression meds can sometimes alter or eliminate libido.  Encourage her to talk to her Dr. about this if she's on depression meds.  If she's not diagnosed, I'd say she needs counseling and an evaluation to see if she is depressed.  Untreated depression can also eliminate libido.

Being married to someone w/ depression isn't easy.  But with the right medications and counseling, it can be quite rewarding.  My wife has major depression (clinical diagnosis), and with the right medicines we have dots regularly and have a very happy marriage.

If I'm way off base here, then you need to get out of this mess.  Post haste.

 
Shady is right about physical intimacy. My marriage was largely absent physical intimacy for a really really long time and the more distance I get from that the more I realize how significant it is. 

 
James Daulton said:
If Dentist was still waving tne nomarriage.com flag, you probably could have avoided this whole fiasco.  So, I blame Dentist.  Plus, he's a dentist so hating him comes natural.
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I've let society down.  And don't worry,  I hate just as much as I am hated

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Dude, seriously divorce... Not even a question at all. You described a sexless, unhappy, nagging wife. You work 12-16 hours a day and she #####es about dishes? WTF?

Do you even trust her? She was previously unfaithful... What is there to save? Run run run!!! Split whatever you have and start a fresh life, you'll never see her again and won't owe her a thing.
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Except alimony.  It won't be brutal based on only 5 years of marriage, but he won't get out for free.

 
Help Wanted said:
Because it isn't supposed to happen? Because we pledged til "death do us part"? Because I would still rather it work and us be happy together than happy apart? 
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Jesus H. CHRIST.

About a million people are going to come in here and give you good advice that you are going to ignore.

I'm not going to bother with all that.  Because, well, you are probably going to ignore it.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT.

Your marriage is either going to die and you get divorced.  Or you will continue to be married and you will be a miserable ******* for the rest of your life.  There are no other options.  Please don't bring a kid into that.

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT.

 
General Malaise said:
Guys, they don't have sex.  Pretty sure you need to have sex to have a pregnancy.  Trust me, I have 17 kids to show for it.
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They have sex 4 times a year.  That's enough.

Oh, and the MINUTE she starts to get a sniff that he's maybe sorta kinda thinking about leaving, the birth control pills are going down the toilet and they are going to have a LOT of sex.  Until she gets pregnant.  I've been down that road before. 

 
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