Monitoring a kid's internet history - How? (1 Viewer)

[Homer J Simpson]

In fairness though, this has to be the most difficult period in human history to raise kids. I don't envy the task at all. I wonder if you literally have to sit there with the kid and watch a video of midgets being pissed on and then take questions about why it's harmful to watch. Because they're going to be around kids who have huge collections of videos of midgets being pissed on. And there is no history to fall back on. The technology that kids are exposed to now is unprecedented and there is no known "perfect" way to navigate through it.

Having said that, I would still contend that the basic approach is to put in the time, give lots of advice and guidance and then trust the kid to make the right decisions, but then again this is also a time when people are working longer hours and commutes are longer than ever. And of course any kid who wants to get into a good college needs lots of extracurricular activities on their resume. I'm sure parents feel like there are never enough hours in the day.

Well put! This is why you should send your kids to Catholic school.

Dude, I went to Catholic school.

 

[Psychopav]

It's hard to parent these days. To me reading her history, posts, etc would be like reading her diary. But I understand the concern as well. Tough choices with lots of possible sticky outcomes.

The difference between those two things is that she has expectations of privacy with her diary. She should never have expectations of privacy with her mobile devices.

Well while I don't envy you your job I would politely disagree. A phone and the messages on it are the modern equivalent to the little diary tucked under a pillow. That's my opinion when it comes to police searches and when it comes to parents searches. But you have to do what you think is right for your child. Again tough choices.

I hear what you're saying and agree it's a very fine line to navigate, but communication with other people goes beyond the diary analogue. It's one thing if it's her own friends who you know and have met irl, and a totally other thing if it's extended network/strangers/adults. It would be akin to letting your kid hang out at the local (pick a public spot) and have private conversations with a broad variety of people. The level of caution required goes far - far - beyond that of a simple diary.

I understand what you're saying. And I agree.

My daughter is 10 years old and really doesn't text that much other than saying things like "Hey!" or "Can you come over this weekend?" Our goal here isn't to read every single thing she writes. Or monitor every single thing she does. It's more of a spot check.

If we we're security, we'd be less like the TSA and more like the security guy at a gates to a professional baseball game.

I take the exact same approach. The only exception is the boy and his pron, which has been locked down. Luckily, he went to Catholic school and understands, and even shares, the concerns.

His texting volume is off the charts though so that's the next thing that we need to tackle. Not inappropriate, just voluminous.

 

[BobbyLayne]

It's hard to parent these days. To me reading her history, posts, etc would be like reading her diary. But I understand the concern as well. Tough choices with lots of possible sticky outcomes.

The difference between those two things is that she has expectations of privacy with her diary. She should never have expectations of privacy with her mobile devices.

Well while I don't envy you your job I would politely disagree. A phone and the messages on it are the modern equivalent to the little diary tucked under a pillow. That's my opinion when it comes to police searches and when it comes to parents searches. But you have to do what you think is right for your child. Again tough choices.

What I'm saying is that one of the stipulations of getting these devices was that we would be able to check them at any time. These are not a surprise to her that they could be coming. She has known even before she got the devices that they would not be private and that they can be checked.

One of the things we've talked about is that in today's world, people post things online and don't realize that everyone can see them. Now, she doesn't use FB or anything like that. Yet. But what we're trying to teach her is that these devices, while in her possession and no one else's, do not mean that things on them are private. Don't post things that you don't want everyone to know about.

I think when she eventually does get on a social network, she'll be more informed and understand how to be a little more careful with what she puts out there.

Nice job here, this is solid.

 

[Brony]

In my day, we had to read novellas about midgets being pissed on. Life isn't fair.

 

[BobbyLayne]

Hey Sheik,

Curious what kind of a plan you have here once you overcome the technology hurdle. From your vague OP about her level of purity, guessing her age ismaybe grade school / early junior high?

What now? Let's see, these are unannounced 'inspections.' So do you barge in her room and confiscate her devices? Or do you stand there and search her history while she's there next to you? Check this stuff when she's out of the house? Or do you just go ahead and check her activity via the router logs or a keystroke logger?

What is the objective if you win this game of gotcha? Do you think there might be long term effects to her psyche? A bond of trust has built up over the last 10-12 years; any thoughts on how that will be affected?

Anyway, maybe I'm missing something here.

My approach with my 15 year old is to trust him. Blind faith? No. I've invested a decade and a half in helping him become a good decision maker. As has his mother. We set boundaries at a very early age and have gradually given him more responsibility and trust. He's earned it. I don't micro manage him or pester him about doing his homework every night. I get weekly reports (power school) on his 8 classes. He's getting good marks and he's a solid kid. His friends come from good homes. He's achieving his goals academically and he's involved in sports and activities. He doesn't have to be perfect.

I can't imagine spying on my own kid. If I was concerned or worried about something I'd take a direct approach. But thankfully, so far so good

ETA: thumbs!

You can judge me how ever you want. That's cool. Just remember, you don't know me. You don't know my situation other than what I've expressed over an internet message board. So keep that in mind.

First off, you are more than welcome to raise your kids however you want. There is more than one way to raise a good kid.

My daughter is a very good kid. And we have a very open relationship of talking about what's right and what's wrong. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't need policing every so often to remind her that there are consequences to making poor decisions. I'd rather her learn now than later in life.

In the year that she's had these devices, I've told her to bring them down to me so I can look at them. She brings them down and I check out what's on them. She doesn't care. And we tell her we're proud of her when everything checks out. It's positive reinforcement.

So in summation: Yes. You are missing something.

It's all good, Sheik. My bad here - I should not have worded my post so strongly that you felt offended.

Every kid is different. My two kids could not be more different. What works for one would not work for the other.

Just because it's not exactly the way I wouldn't handle it, doesn't mean I can't glean some nuggets here. Good discussion, and I appreciate you (and others) sharing your perspective.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Hey Sheik,

Curious what kind of a plan you have here once you overcome the technology hurdle. From your vague OP about her level of purity, guessing her age ismaybe grade school / early junior high?

What now? Let's see, these are unannounced 'inspections.' So do you barge in her room and confiscate her devices? Or do you stand there and search her history while she's there next to you? Check this stuff when she's out of the house? Or do you just go ahead and check her activity via the router logs or a keystroke logger?

What is the objective if you win this game of gotcha? Do you think there might be long term effects to her psyche? A bond of trust has built up over the last 10-12 years; any thoughts on how that will be affected?

Anyway, maybe I'm missing something here.

My approach with my 15 year old is to trust him. Blind faith? No. I've invested a decade and a half in helping him become a good decision maker. As has his mother. We set boundaries at a very early age and have gradually given him more responsibility and trust. He's earned it. I don't micro manage him or pester him about doing his homework every night. I get weekly reports (power school) on his 8 classes. He's getting good marks and he's a solid kid. His friends come from good homes. He's achieving his goals academically and he's involved in sports and activities. He doesn't have to be perfect.

I can't imagine spying on my own kid. If I was concerned or worried about something I'd take a direct approach. But thankfully, so far so good

ETA: thumbs!

You can judge me how ever you want. That's cool. Just remember, you don't know me. You don't know my situation other than what I've expressed over an internet message board. So keep that in mind.

First off, you are more than welcome to raise your kids however you want. There is more than one way to raise a good kid.

My daughter is a very good kid. And we have a very open relationship of talking about what's right and what's wrong. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't need policing every so often to remind her that there are consequences to making poor decisions. I'd rather her learn now than later in life.

In the year that she's had these devices, I've told her to bring them down to me so I can look at them. She brings them down and I check out what's on them. She doesn't care. And we tell her we're proud of her when everything checks out. It's positive reinforcement.

So in summation: Yes. You are missing something.

It's all good, Sheik. My bad here - I should not have worded my post so strongly that you felt offended.

Every kid is different. My two kids could not be more different. What works for one would not work for the other.

Just because it's not exactly the way I wouldn't handle it, doesn't mean I can't glean some nuggets here. Good discussion, and I appreciate you (and others) sharing your perspective.

No worries, GB. It's all good.

 

[Chaos Commish]

Hey Sheik,

Curious what kind of a plan you have here once you overcome the technology hurdle. From your vague OP about her level of purity, guessing her age ismaybe grade school / early junior high?

What now? Let's see, these are unannounced 'inspections.' So do you barge in her room and confiscate her devices? Or do you stand there and search her history while she's there next to you? Check this stuff when she's out of the house? Or do you just go ahead and check her activity via the router logs or a keystroke logger?

What is the objective if you win this game of gotcha? Do you think there might be long term effects to her psyche? A bond of trust has built up over the last 10-12 years; any thoughts on how that will be affected?

Anyway, maybe I'm missing something here.

My approach with my 15 year old is to trust him. Blind faith? No. I've invested a decade and a half in helping him become a good decision maker. As has his mother. We set boundaries at a very early age and have gradually given him more responsibility and trust. He's earned it. I don't micro manage him or pester him about doing his homework every night. I get weekly reports (power school) on his 8 classes. He's getting good marks and he's a solid kid. His friends come from good homes. He's achieving his goals academically and he's involved in sports and activities. He doesn't have to be perfect.

I can't imagine spying on my own kid. If I was concerned or worried about something I'd take a direct approach. But thankfully, so far so good

ETA: thumbs!

You can judge me how ever you want. That's cool. Just remember, you don't know me. You don't know my situation other than what I've expressed over an internet message board. So keep that in mind.

First off, you are more than welcome to raise your kids however you want. There is more than one way to raise a good kid.

My daughter is a very good kid. And we have a very open relationship of talking about what's right and what's wrong. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't need policing every so often to remind her that there are consequences to making poor decisions. I'd rather her learn now than later in life.

In the year that she's had these devices, I've told her to bring them down to me so I can look at them. She brings them down and I check out what's on them. She doesn't care. And we tell her we're proud of her when everything checks out. It's positive reinforcement.

So in summation: Yes. You are missing something.

It's all good, Sheik. My bad here - I should not have worded my post so strongly that you felt offended.

Every kid is different. My two kids could not be more different. What works for one would not work for the other.

Just because it's not exactly the way I wouldn't handle it, doesn't mean I can't glean some nuggets here. Good discussion, and I appreciate you (and others) sharing your perspective.

No worries, GB. It's all good.

Yup. I pretty much supported BL's take and still do, but I was thinking of a teenager, not a 10 year old. Mine was monitored carefully at 10. Made some mistakes around 12-13 and now preaches to her peers that someday when they go for a job interview some HR nerd is going to see that crap. She's really cautious but that's because we've talked it out.

 

[BobbyLayne]

Hey Sheik,

Curious what kind of a plan you have here once you overcome the technology hurdle. From your vague OP about her level of purity, guessing her age ismaybe grade school / early junior high?

What now? Let's see, these are unannounced 'inspections.' So do you barge in her room and confiscate her devices? Or do you stand there and search her history while she's there next to you? Check this stuff when she's out of the house? Or do you just go ahead and check her activity via the router logs or a keystroke logger?

What is the objective if you win this game of gotcha? Do you think there might be long term effects to her psyche? A bond of trust has built up over the last 10-12 years; any thoughts on how that will be affected?

Anyway, maybe I'm missing something here.

My approach with my 15 year old is to trust him. Blind faith? No. I've invested a decade and a half in helping him become a good decision maker. As has his mother. We set boundaries at a very early age and have gradually given him more responsibility and trust. He's earned it. I don't micro manage him or pester him about doing his homework every night. I get weekly reports (power school) on his 8 classes. He's getting good marks and he's a solid kid. His friends come from good homes. He's achieving his goals academically and he's involved in sports and activities. He doesn't have to be perfect.

I can't imagine spying on my own kid. If I was concerned or worried about something I'd take a direct approach. But thankfully, so far so good

ETA: thumbs!

You can judge me how ever you want. That's cool. Just remember, you don't know me. You don't know my situation other than what I've expressed over an internet message board. So keep that in mind.

First off, you are more than welcome to raise your kids however you want. There is more than one way to raise a good kid.

My daughter is a very good kid. And we have a very open relationship of talking about what's right and what's wrong. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't need policing every so often to remind her that there are consequences to making poor decisions. I'd rather her learn now than later in life.

In the year that she's had these devices, I've told her to bring them down to me so I can look at them. She brings them down and I check out what's on them. She doesn't care. And we tell her we're proud of her when everything checks out. It's positive reinforcement.

So in summation: Yes. You are missing something.

It's all good, Sheik. My bad here - I should not have worded my post so strongly that you felt offended.

Every kid is different. My two kids could not be more different. What works for one would not work for the other.

Just because it's not exactly the way I wouldn't handle it, doesn't mean I can't glean some nuggets here. Good discussion, and I appreciate you (and others) sharing your perspective.

No worries, GB. It's all good.

Yup. I pretty much supported BL's take and still do, but I was thinking of a teenager, not a 10 year old. Mine was monitored carefully at 10. Made some mistakes around 12-13 and now preaches to her peers that someday when they go for a job interview some HR nerd is going to see that crap. She's really cautious but that's because we've talked it out.

Yep, that was my takeaway today. TIS is teaching a 10 y.o. about being smart about what she posts online (post #34). That's a lot different dynamic than a middle school or high school kid.

CC, you talked to your daughter about this a lot, I did the same with my now 15 y.o. boy. Those aren't one and done deals, either. It's ongoing.

With my boy right now, I'm not so much worried about porn as I am soccer sites. F'n kid will stay up until 3-4 a.m. to watch streams of matches.