My secret divorce (1 Viewer)

[TheIronSheik]

You're probably right. Again, I realize this is not ideal. I have no good choice to make. I'm looking for the least of evils.

The least of all evils is working things out and reconciling with your wife.

Can't argue with you. I just think it might be beyond my ability.

I know it's already been a few months, but you're still right in in the thick of dealing with this. Time and hard work can heal a lot of wounds.

I hope you are right. She is doing EVERYTHING right, making this a lot harder than it would be had she just ran off with someone.

Is she doing everything right because she wants to keep the family together, or because she doesn't want to deal with the embarrassment of being outed as a cheater?

Exactly. She told me this happened because she talked herself into hating me. I was the scapegoat for all the stress and unhappiness in her life.

I worry that it is the latter, but she can't admit that to herself; so she's convinced herself she loves me again and is a new person. She genuinely believes it.

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

 

[dancingbones]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this Sarte, and sorry to hear that you kids will be going through it as well.

I can understand what you're trying to accomplish here, but have you thought about just being honest with your family that you're getting divorced because your wife cheated on you and you are unwilling to stay married to her? I don't get why you need to pretend anything other than that here. You can still choose to live together and to be working on rebuilding your relationship and rebuilding trust and be honest about it (or choose not to). Why lie to your family when you don't need to. It seems to complicate a painful and difficult life circumstance, IMO.

I can totally get the thing about being worried about how the kids will be raised at your ex's house (if her partner is disciplining them, etc.). It isn't easy going through a divorce, but I believe that you will do your kids a favor by actually creating a healthy, trusting relationship for yourself. They will learn from what you do, not what you say. If your relationship is a sham, they will learn that is what a relationship is supposed to look like. Do the right thing and be honest with yourself and take on raising these kids right. Find someone who will do it with you, and be happy. Why waste your life in a relationship that you're not committed to?

It sounds like you've resolved that your wife is not trustworthy, and that divorce is the route you want to go. Why not just sell the house, split everything up, divorce on good terms, and work on building your relationship with the mother of your kids as just that - the mother of your kids. She is going to be in your life whether you like it or not, but I don't get the desire to pretend that you're married "for the kids sake" when you are not.

I agree with those saying to get the paperwork done & finalized while everything is still amicable, btw. No telling how things will change if it starts to sink in that getting divorced really is getting divorced, regardless of whether you want to make believe otherwise.

 

[trogg78]

Lying to everyone in your family really sets a good example for your kids.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

.

 

[McGarnicle]

I do think you should make it a priority to get some strange. This is going to be a rough road for a while and you deserve some sweet release along the way.

 

[Quez]

Yeah. I hope you don't continue to be faithful to the woman you aren't married to anymore.

It really sounds like the OP is content with the situation now that he has the illusion that he has some sort of control over it.

 

[sartre]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

 

[sartre]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this Sarte, and sorry to hear that you kids will be going through it as well.

I can understand what you're trying to accomplish here, but have you thought about just being honest with your family that you're getting divorced because your wife cheated on you and you are unwilling to stay married to her? I don't get why you need to pretend anything other than that here. You can still choose to live together and to be working on rebuilding your relationship and rebuilding trust and be honest about it (or choose not to). Why lie to your family when you don't need to. It seems to complicate a painful and difficult life circumstance, IMO.

I can totally get the thing about being worried about how the kids will be raised at your ex's house (if her partner is disciplining them, etc.). It isn't easy going through a divorce, but I believe that you will do your kids a favor by actually creating a healthy, trusting relationship for yourself. They will learn from what you do, not what you say. If your relationship is a sham, they will learn that is what a relationship is supposed to look like. Do the right thing and be honest with yourself and take on raising these kids right. Find someone who will do it with you, and be happy. Why waste your life in a relationship that you're not committed to?

It sounds like you've resolved that your wife is not trustworthy, and that divorce is the route you want to go. Why not just sell the house, split everything up, divorce on good terms, and work on building your relationship with the mother of your kids as just that - the mother of your kids. She is going to be in your life whether you like it or not, but I don't get the desire to pretend that you're married "for the kids sake" when you are not.

I agree with those saying to get the paperwork done & finalized while everything is still amicable, btw. No telling how things will change if it starts to sink in that getting divorced really is getting divorced, regardless of whether you want to make believe otherwise.

Thanks dancingbones.

The reason to keep the affair hush is that my family would hate her, and even if we split I think I'd like things to remain amicable. For her part, she is ashamed and doesn't want her family to know either.

The reason to keep the divorce hush, is to hide the affair, while I get to regain some dignity (not married to a skank anymore).

I find it quite possible I remain single (by choice) for quite some time if we proceed with a traditional split. I worry my wife will be in relationships that would likely be even worse as models for the kids to follow. One of the reasons my wife is capable of these things is because of how her mother went from guy to guy, when my wife was a child. My thought processes is that while our relationship might not be a healthy model, it could very well be better than what the kids will observe with us separated.

 

[sartre]

Lying to everyone in your family really sets a good example for your kids.

Is it that much different than lying about being happily married?

 

[sartre]

It really sounds like the OP is content with the situation now that he has the illusion that he has some sort of control over it.

You might be on to something, and have given me something to think about.

 

[McGarnicle]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I think a lot of people lack willpower and simply can't resist temptation. Then after the fact they justify it, promise themselves it will never happen again, or do something special for their spouse to "make up for it". I don't think most people cheat with malicious intent.

Then there's the fact that biologically we're not really built for monogamy.

 

[pats3in4]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this Sarte, and sorry to hear that you kids will be going through it as well.

I can understand what you're trying to accomplish here, but have you thought about just being honest with your family that you're getting divorced because your wife cheated on you and you are unwilling to stay married to her? I don't get why you need to pretend anything other than that here. You can still choose to live together and to be working on rebuilding your relationship and rebuilding trust and be honest about it (or choose not to). Why lie to your family when you don't need to. It seems to complicate a painful and difficult life circumstance, IMO.

I can totally get the thing about being worried about how the kids will be raised at your ex's house (if her partner is disciplining them, etc.). It isn't easy going through a divorce, but I believe that you will do your kids a favor by actually creating a healthy, trusting relationship for yourself. They will learn from what you do, not what you say. If your relationship is a sham, they will learn that is what a relationship is supposed to look like. Do the right thing and be honest with yourself and take on raising these kids right. Find someone who will do it with you, and be happy. Why waste your life in a relationship that you're not committed to?

It sounds like you've resolved that your wife is not trustworthy, and that divorce is the route you want to go. Why not just sell the house, split everything up, divorce on good terms, and work on building your relationship with the mother of your kids as just that - the mother of your kids. She is going to be in your life whether you like it or not, but I don't get the desire to pretend that you're married "for the kids sake" when you are not.

I agree with those saying to get the paperwork done & finalized while everything is still amicable, btw. No telling how things will change if it starts to sink in that getting divorced really is getting divorced, regardless of whether you want to make believe otherwise.

Thanks dancingbones.

The reason to keep the affair hush is that my family would hate her, and even if we split I think I'd like things to remain amicable. For her part, she is ashamed and doesn't want her family to know either.

The reason to keep the divorce hush, is to hide the affair, while I get to regain some dignity (not married to a skank anymore).

I find it quite possible I remain single (by choice) for quite some time if we proceed with a traditional split. I worry my wife will be in relationships that would likely be even worse as models for the kids to follow. One of the reasons my wife is capable of these things is because of how her mother went from guy to guy, when my wife was a child. My thought processes is that while our relationship might not be a healthy model, it could very well be better than what the kids will observe with us separated.

I know you mean well with regards to the bolded, but you're putting in a lot of energy to manage other people. It's not your job to mitigate how much your family would hate her. Your wife's future relationships are out of your control and staying in the same household to minimize your wife bringing home men so your kids don't see their true mom is not your job. I don't think it's healthy to attempt to control so much of how other people observe your marriage and how your wife behaves.

 

[trogg78]

Lying to everyone in your family really sets a good example for your kids.

Is it that much different than lying about being happily married?

It sets the same example. Keep on lying brother.

 

[Gr00vus]

Lying to everyone in your family really sets a good example for your kids.

Is it that much different than lying about being happily married?

It sets the same example. Keep on lying brother.

Not only that, but by never having his wife pay some actual consequences, he just continues to enable her behavior. She needs to own up to what she's done, publicly. If she can't handle the shame (which she more than deserves) that's her problem, not yours, not your family's, not her family's, not your kids' - hers.

As for your kids, in the long run you're doing more harm than good by engaging in this whole silly subterfuge. Now it's both their parents engaging in lying, except this time it's to them - awesome.

Break it off clean. Now. It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

 

[Socrates11]

It really sounds like the OP is content with the situation now that he has the illusion that he has some sort of control over it.

You might be on to something, and have given me something to think about.

I think it's admirable you are trying to keep your children's lives from being disrupted. Don't worry about what others are saying, do what works for you. Show me 10 different couples and I'll show you 10 different relationships where each one has it's own trial and tribulations. I've mentioned here before but a buddy of mine caught his wife in a long affair, where she even admitted she had fallen in love with the other guy, but somehow someway they stayed together and got past it. Like you their kids were very young when he caught her and I think that was a big reason.

Still, go out and get some strange. Fair is fair. Best of luck.

 

[matttyl]

And why are you doing your wife a favor and keeping this secret of hers so that her family and your family won't find out? That seems to be quite a big favor you're doing for the woman who just cheated on you.

 

[dancingbones]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this Sarte, and sorry to hear that you kids will be going through it as well.

I can understand what you're trying to accomplish here, but have you thought about just being honest with your family that you're getting divorced because your wife cheated on you and you are unwilling to stay married to her? I don't get why you need to pretend anything other than that here. You can still choose to live together and to be working on rebuilding your relationship and rebuilding trust and be honest about it (or choose not to). Why lie to your family when you don't need to. It seems to complicate a painful and difficult life circumstance, IMO.

I can totally get the thing about being worried about how the kids will be raised at your ex's house (if her partner is disciplining them, etc.). It isn't easy going through a divorce, but I believe that you will do your kids a favor by actually creating a healthy, trusting relationship for yourself. They will learn from what you do, not what you say. If your relationship is a sham, they will learn that is what a relationship is supposed to look like. Do the right thing and be honest with yourself and take on raising these kids right. Find someone who will do it with you, and be happy. Why waste your life in a relationship that you're not committed to?

It sounds like you've resolved that your wife is not trustworthy, and that divorce is the route you want to go. Why not just sell the house, split everything up, divorce on good terms, and work on building your relationship with the mother of your kids as just that - the mother of your kids. She is going to be in your life whether you like it or not, but I don't get the desire to pretend that you're married "for the kids sake" when you are not.

I agree with those saying to get the paperwork done & finalized while everything is still amicable, btw. No telling how things will change if it starts to sink in that getting divorced really is getting divorced, regardless of whether you want to make believe otherwise.

Thanks dancingbones.

The reason to keep the affair hush is that my family would hate her, and even if we split I think I'd like things to remain amicable. For her part, she is ashamed and doesn't want her family to know either.

The reason to keep the divorce hush, is to hide the affair, while I get to regain some dignity (not married to a skank anymore).

I find it quite possible I remain single (by choice) for quite some time if we proceed with a traditional split. I worry my wife will be in relationships that would likely be even worse as models for the kids to follow. One of the reasons my wife is capable of these things is because of how her mother went from guy to guy, when my wife was a child. My thought processes is that while our relationship might not be a healthy model, it could very well be better than what the kids will observe with us separated.

You could also be honest about being divorced & not disclose the real reason. People get divorced all the time, and I'm sure many families never know the reason.

 

[Gianni Verscotchie]

Does the dude have a bigger dong than you?

 

[Timmay]

Every time ive seen this thread title the past few days I think of a Lifetime movie staring a no name actor/actress.

 

[Controller]

It really sounds like the OP is content with the situation now that he has the illusion that he has some sort of control over it.

You might be on to something, and have given me something to think about.

I think it's admirable you are trying to keep your children's lives from being disrupted. Don't worry about what others are saying, do what works for you. Show me 10 different couples and I'll show you 10 different relationships where each one has it's own trial and tribulations. I've mentioned here before but a buddy of mine caught his wife in a long affair, where she even admitted she had fallen in love with the other guy, but somehow someway they stayed together and got past it. Like you their kids were very young when he caught her and I think that was a big reason.

Still, go out and get some strange. Fair is fair. Best of luck.

You really are Socrates, aren't you?

 

[Quez]

I would donate $5 to a crowd sourced hooker.

 

[McGarnicle]

I would donate $5 to a crowd sourced hooker.

Me too.HEY SARTRE WE GOT YOU A TEN DOLLAR HOOKER BUDDY

 

[Mr. Pickles]

Is her name Skyler?

 

[Johnny Rock]

I would donate $5 to a crowd sourced hooker.

Kickstarter. Goal = $20,000Level 1: $5; Unlimited Buyers

You receive happy thoughts for helping a guy out along with a safe-for-work head shot JPEG of the girl.

Level 2 Bronze: $25; Limited to 250 Buyers

You receive a text message with a NSFW JPEG of the event and one full body shot of the girl alone.

Level 3 Silver: $100; Limited to 100 Buyers

You receive a Level 2 award plus a three minute edited video of the event, not including the threesome.

Level 4 Gold: $1,000; Limited to 5 Buyers

You receive Level 2 & Level 3 awards plus you can party with Sartre in Vegas for one night on your own dime, meet and greet with the girl and get an 8x10 of you and her with her holding up a penny. You also receive a full unedited video of the event for your personal use, not including the threesome.

Level 5 Platinum: $10,000; Limited to 1 Buyer (Woman Only, must be 8.5 or higher)

You receive Level 2, 3 and 4 awards plus a threesome with Sartre and the girl at Bellagio, RT airfare in the contiguous 48 states with airport transportation included, along with continental breakfast the morning after. You also receive the full unedited video including the threesome for your own personal use.

Level 6 Diamond: $100,000; Limited to 1 Buyer

You receive Level 2, 3 and 4 awards plus the exclusive right to watch. As a Special Bonus, you also receive the licensing rights to market and sell said video as you see fit. To be fair, if Level 5 is not bought, then Level 6 pricing will be $25,000, a SAVINGS OF $75,000, because the value of the video drops dramatically without the threesome.

 

[Godsbrother]

I would donate $5 to a crowd sourced hooker.

Level 5 Platinum: $10,000; Limited to 1 Buyer (Woman Only, must be 8.5 or higher)

You receive Level 2, 3 and 4 awards plus a threesome with Sartre and the girl at Bellagio, RT airfare in the contiguous 48 states with airport transportation included, along with continental breakfast the morning after. You also receive the full unedited video including the threesome for your own personal use.

How about a threesome with the girl and Sarte's soon-to-be-ex? I am pretty sure she would be up for it.

 

[Quez]

This brings up an interesting questions about the OP getting some strange. How would the soon to be ex handle knowing about that? Would she be OK with it? Would she go back to disappearing to Kholes for hours at a time? Would she be more open about her screw buddies? Would she become super skank? Could there ever be a situation where you & your S2BX hang out with new partners together?

 

[McGarnicle]

This brings up an interesting questions about the OP getting some strange. How would the soon to be ex handle knowing about that? Would she be OK with it? Would she go back to disappearing to Kholes for hours at a time? Would she be more open about her screw buddies? Would she become super skank? Could there ever be a situation where you & your S2BX hang out with new partners together?

Always best to make sure she never knows. None of her business anyway.

Man if I were single nowadays I'd be like a kid in a candy store. Women are just as whorish as men now, and you've got Tinder, Okcupid, Craigslist, etc. If you're not at work or asleep you should be banging some whore IMO.

 

[TheIronSheik]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

 

[MikeIke]

And why are you doing your wife a favor and keeping this secret of hers so that her family and your family won't find out? That seems to be quite a big favor you're doing for the woman who just cheated on you.

This. I had no problem telling my mom and dad about my wife's affair. They were pissed at her for a long time, but they got over it. When you screw around, the shame is well-deserved.

 

[matuski]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

 

[Todem]

If this is serious though, no way I could be intimate again. She's tainted. All I could think about is the other guy banging her, and I'd feel like the biggest chump ever. And I'd assume she's getting a piece every time she's away from the house for more than an hour. Anyone who can regain trust in this kind of scenario, my hat's off to you. I couldn't do it.

This is how I feel. And imagine you also knew that she didn't bother to use protection of any kind. I'm totally disgusted every time I think about it.

But then, the kids.

I get it. The kids.

But if your able to tolerate her co existence under the same roof for the sake of your children.....god bless you man. I assume your not sharing a bed anymore nor are being intimate anymore. In fact you should be free to go out and have your own sexual relationship with another woman.

I mean seriously.....to subject yourself to this type of dysfunction in the long run may actually hurt your children.

They are going to find out and then think it's acceptable to tolerate this from their own future spouse in the name of their children? No way...not the example I want to set. As painful as it is.......you will have 50/50 custody. You may re-marry one day, you will still be a great father to your children. You have to move on from your wife.

What good do you think long term your children will get out of this? I can tell you...it's not the life lesson I would want my kids learning. Now if this was not about your wife having an affair and it was just you don't love each other.......you can maybe grind out some more years for the sake of keeping some stability.

Your in a tough pickle. I don't think there is one true magic bullet to your terrible situation. Counseling? That will never get the thought of your wife banging another man continually for a long period of time. I know you get physically sick thinking about it.

I could not live this way....period. Even for my kids. They will grow up and then understand why I had to leave their mother.

The truth hurts. But she made a conscience decision and it was also highly selfish. What was she thinking bout? Not her kids. She was thinking totally and completely about her own needs. Not yours, not your children s.

You need to do the same now. ***k her. Your going to divorce her and leave her for the sake of your children. Don't let your kids learn it's okay to have an affair and stay together for the sake of their kids.

Bad lesson.

As far as why she had an affair? None of our business. That is for you and her to understand and talk about. But the fact is the marriage is permanently broken. It will never ever be the same. I don't care how much psycho mumbo jumbo counseling you may go through.....it's broken forever. A one night stand....a drunken mistake....maybe you can get past....an affair?

Dude. It's over. I feel for you and your family. Good luck man.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

Now if this was not about your wife having an affair and it was just you don't love each other.......you can maybe grind out some more years for the sake of keeping some stability.

This seems sorta backwards to me, but these situations are undoubtedly complicated.

 

[TheIronSheik]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

He's said that she's cheated multiple times. She cheated on her first husband weeks into their marriage. I think my advice stands more than yours based on your comparison.

Apparently this is a sore subject for you. That might be due to one of your parents being a cheater.

 

[Todem]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

That was their choice.

He is asking for opinions. Not all will agree with your opinion. I don't think it's about moral high horse. It is just about personal beliefs. I, nor anyone else on a public message board will care what he does. We are just discussing what we would do given the same set of circumstances. I come from a divorced family as well. I was 9 when my parents split. It sucked.....sucked really bad.

I am fine though. And it all worked out the way it was supposed to.

And yes none of us have personal insight into hwy this happened and the entire dynamics. We are giving opinions on the information provided by the OP.

 

[Todem]

Now if this was not about your wife having an affair and it was just you don't love each other.......you can maybe grind out some more years for the sake of keeping some stability.

This seems sorta backwards to me, but these situations are undoubtedly complicated.

Well.......having an affair is such betrayal.

If I were falling out of love with my wife but we did not hate each other......well...maybe we can work on things to stick it out for the kids....be more selfless for a few more years and then when they are old enough we can go our separate ways.

Your right...it's very complicated.

But for me personally. If I found out my wife had a torrid affair.......it's over for me. Done.

 

[TheIronSheik]

I think it's funny that not being a cheater is now considered being on a "high horse." JTFC!

 

[McGarnicle]

You know, divorce absolutely sucks for kids, we all know this. My parents were divorced when I was a baby, which is probably better than had it happened when I was older and accustomed to having both parents around. But regardless, it's tough no matter what. But life is tough, and this isn't something that is exactly uncommon. 50% of marriages fail right? It seems like you are trying to keep this sham of a marriage together at all costs, and your partner in this is less than trustworthy to say the least. You don't get to fix it by enabling her.

Fight for the best joint custody arrangement you can get, and be the best dad you can be. Part of that means you should respect yourself enough to know you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in life. Sticking around in a crappy marriage is going to make you and those kids a lot more miserable than a divorce. They will respect you more if they see you being a man who lives life on his terms instead of being played like a fiddle by their whore mother.

 

[Quez]

Just start telling your kids "mommy has been a bad girl" and start giving them little details here and there until they are old enough to hear the full truth. This will certainly win them over and they will hate their mother for being so selfish and cruel to you.

 

[Patriotsfatboy1]

Just start telling your kids "mommy has been a bad girl" and start giving them little details here and there until they are old enough to hear the full truth. This will certainly win them over and they will hate their mother for being so selfish and cruel to you.

There has to be some pics or video on the Internet of her exploits that he could "mistakenly" leave up on his computer screen for them to find. That should seal the deal.

 

[cstu]

What good do you think long term your children will get out of this? I can tell you...it's not the life lesson I would want my kids learning. Now if this was not about your wife having an affair and it was just you don't love each other.......you can maybe grind out some more years for the sake of keeping some stability.

Versus the lesson that when a marriage doesn't work out you move on to your next wife and raise another family with her? All the while they live with their mom who is bringing home new guys all the time.

Having your parents divorce and remarry is far more scarring than two unhappy parents staying together and putting on a happy face for the kids.

 

[Judge Smails]

First of all, props to the OP for thinking of his kids first. He has every right to be angry, to badmouth his wife to all, etc. Exact opposite of most people I know, who badmouth their ex in front of their kids.."Well, you'd be able to go to summer camp if Dad or Mom didn't do.....". It's that #### that scars kids.

Do what you feel is right, but balance your personal happiness with what you are doing for your kids. You only live once.

In other words, keep being a rock star for your kids but find a great, faithful partner. After you accept the 20K crowdsource FBG offer for what is sure to be a scene from Wolf of Wall Street.

 

[Patriotsfatboy1]

What good do you think long term your children will get out of this? I can tell you...it's not the life lesson I would want my kids learning. Now if this was not about your wife having an affair and it was just you don't love each other.......you can maybe grind out some more years for the sake of keeping some stability.

Versus the lesson that when a marriage doesn't work out you move on to your next wife and raise another family with her? All the while they live with their mom who is bringing home new guys all the time.

Having your parents divorce and remarry is far more scarring than two unhappy parents staying together and putting on a happy face for the kids.

You are only looking at one side of the equation. What if he remarries and is happy? What if Mom gets her act together and decides to actually take marriage seriously?

Kids are very perceptive and if they see parents who are unhappy in marriage, then they are going to think that is how it is supposed to be. You might even turn them h0m 0.

 

[RUSF18]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

All well and good...but your parents didn't divorce and then continue to lie to you and your brother about their marriage for X number of years, did they? Do you think there might be a difference?

Imagine finding out when you're 18 years old that your parents have been lying to you for 15 years?

 

[Socrates11]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

All well and good...but your parents didn't divorce and then continue to lie to you and your brother about their marriage for X number of years, did they? Do you think there might be a difference?

Imagine finding out when you're 18 years old that your parents have been lying to you for 15 years?

As a child of divorce, I'd be grateful that I had 15 years of both my parents under the same roof (this is assuming they act civilized towards one another).

I don't think any of us are traumatized when we find out our parents have been lying to use for years about Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

This brings up an interesting questions about the OP getting some strange. How would the soon to be ex handle knowing about that? Would she be OK with it? Would she go back to disappearing to Kholes for hours at a time? Would she be more open about her screw buddies? Would she become super skank? Could there ever be a situation where you & your S2BX hang out with new partners together?

Always best to make sure she never knows. None of her business anyway.

Man if I were single nowadays I'd be like a kid in a candy store. Women are just as whorish as men now, and you've got Tinder, Okcupid, Craigslist, etc. If you're not at work or asleep you should be banging some whore IMO.

Farmersonly.com IMO

 

[Todem]

What good do you think long term your children will get out of this? I can tell you...it's not the life lesson I would want my kids learning. Now if this was not about your wife having an affair and it was just you don't love each other.......you can maybe grind out some more years for the sake of keeping some stability.

Versus the lesson that when a marriage doesn't work out you move on to your next wife and raise another family with her? All the while they live with their mom who is bringing home new guys all the time.

Having your parents divorce and remarry is far more scarring than two unhappy parents staying together and putting on a happy face for the kids.

Define doesn't work out.

We are talking about the biggest sin in marriage. An affair!!!!

Seriously.

It's one thing if your falling out of love....your just not feeling it anymore.....you just don't quit when kids are involved you try everything in your power to work things out for everyone involved. But when your spouse totally destroys your marriage by having an affair......dude. Get a grip.

My parents divorced and remarried....all within 2 years of their divorce. It sucked. It really sucked. The reasons were not great either. My mother was being selfish and influenced by her moronic friends.

If she divorced my father because had a serious affair......I would suck it up.

Was I happy about my parents divorce? No of course not. Did I survive? Of course I did.

Being in a toxic marriage is worse then divorce. Sorry....it is. Long term is does not help anyone. And again teaches your kids that this is how marriage is? No freaking way.

 

[TheIronSheik]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

All well and good...but your parents didn't divorce and then continue to lie to you and your brother about their marriage for X number of years, did they? Do you think there might be a difference?

Imagine finding out when you're 18 years old that your parents have been lying to you for 15 years?

As a child of divorce, I'd be grateful that I had 15 years of both my parents under the same roof (this is assuming they act civilized towards one another).

I don't think any of us are traumatized when we find out our parents have been lying to use for years about Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

 

[MikeIke]

I don't think any of us are traumatized when we find out our parents have been lying to use for years about Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

I think it is possible for people to act civilized even if they hate each other.

 

[pollardsvision]

How do you secretly unmarry someone?

It will be on public record, of course. But we don't expect anyone in our family to be browsing those.

We're not telling our families, and only a couple very close friends will know.

Have you thought about couple's therapy? It can do wonders, seriously.

If you plan on giving it a shot, you MUST do this.

We started that about 10 days after my discovery. Had about 10 sessions, and just this week I started my own (not sure how long that will last). I think they are moderately helpful, though afterwards I usually feel worse.

Have you floated this "secret divorce" idea by the therapist yet?

Yeah he thought it was an awful idea. The therapist I saw solo though, she thought it was good.

He thought it was a terrible idea. She liked it. This is a good clue.