My secret divorce (1 Viewer)

[matuski]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

All well and good...but your parents didn't divorce and then continue to lie to you and your brother about their marriage for X number of years, did they? Do you think there might be a difference?

Imagine finding out when you're 18 years old that your parents have been lying to you for 15 years?

They didn't need to lie, it was obvious. My parents were able to act like parents... they didn't try too hard to act like a couple.

 

[matuski]

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

I think it is possible for people to act civilized even if they hate each other.

 

[Patriotsfatboy1]

I don't think any of us are traumatized when we find out our parents have been lying to use for years about Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.

Seriously. Where is the Spoiler Alert?? WTF????

 

[TheIronSheik]

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

I think it is possible for people to act civilized even if they hate each other.

Living together? In the same bed? While trying to act like nothing is wrong? I don't see it happening.

 

[TheIronSheik]

I don't think any of us are traumatized when we find out our parents have been lying to use for years about Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.

You didn't know that Santa Clause cheated on the Easter Bunny?

 

[The Hank]

I don't think any of us are traumatized when we find out our parents have been lying to use for years about Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny.

You didn't know that Santa Clause cheated on the Easter Bunny?

Mrs.Claus found out using her NORAD Snapshot

 

[Cjw_55106]

I'm not going to read all seven pages to catch up, but I lost all sympathy when I read you were "the other guy" at one point.

 

[Quez]

A.k.a. his boss.

 

[comfortably numb]

I think it's funny that not being a cheater is now considered being on a "high horse." JTFC!

Whatcha want, a cookie??

 

[moneyman]

She's full of crap. She is a cheater. And a liar. Don't believe her. This is what cheaters and liars do. They gain your trust and then crush you again.

Go find someone who makes you happy. Those kids would be better off with a caring step-mother than that cheating whore of a mother.

You think all of them do it intentionally? I bet many do, but I'm sure many view themselves as good people who "made a mistake". Mind you, I am not condoning anything, and personally I fail to understand how any person can categorize THAT as a mistake. I think it boils down to lacking in morals and values. But I don't believe malice is always a part of it. In fact, like my wife, I bet most still think they are "good" people.

She is an excellent mother, and will always be their mother, even if her time with them is reduced to 50%. So it's not like I can swap her out with a better role model.

I'm only here to offer advice, not change your mind. If you believe that cheaters are good people deep down and that they are only making mistakes, and that cheaters and liars are good examples to your children....



Then all I can say is good luck in life.

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

In short, get off your high horse. You are judging people you don't know regarding a scenario you don't understand.

All well and good...but your parents didn't divorce and then continue to lie to you and your brother about their marriage for X number of years, did they? Do you think there might be a difference?

Imagine finding out when you're 18 years old that your parents have been lying to you for 15 years?

They didn't need to lie, it was obvious. My parents were able to act like parents... they didn't try too hard to act like a couple.

How long was it between the affair and you and your brother being out of the house?

 

[sartre]

And why are you doing your wife a favor and keeping this secret of hers so that her family and your family won't find out? That seems to be quite a big favor you're doing for the woman who just cheated on you.

This. I had no problem telling my mom and dad about my wife's affair. They were pissed at her for a long time, but they got over it. When you screw around, the shame is well-deserved.

The last few months have been full of introspection and self-discovery, I guess a crisis will do that. I'm learning about myself along the way.

I wonder if part of me being on board with keeping it secret, is my own shame. Don't misunderstand me -- I am not ashamed that I could not keep her happy and fulfilled, because I wasn't trying.

But it is really hard to admit, that I knew better, and married a person capable of this anyway.

 

[sartre]

My parents divorced over an affair but stayed together until my brother and I were out of the house. Not sure it was best for them, but I am sure glad they stuck it out. My brother and I love them both, and they are both awesome people that were role models for two successful children.

Also, I say they divorced over an affair, but I would argue the affair was an inevitable result of many things leading up to it.

Thanks for chiming in with this matuski. This is kind of what I envision as maybe my best option, so it is good to hear that it has worked for someone else.

 

[sartre]

I'm not going to read all seven pages to catch up, but I lost all sympathy when I read you were "the other guy" at one point.

That's OK, I didn't start the thread for sympathy. Though I do appreciate those voicing support (and crowdsourcing)

 

[McGarnicle]

And why are you doing your wife a favor and keeping this secret of hers so that her family and your family won't find out? That seems to be quite a big favor you're doing for the woman who just cheated on you.

This. I had no problem telling my mom and dad about my wife's affair. They were pissed at her for a long time, but they got over it. When you screw around, the shame is well-deserved.

The last few months have been full of introspection and self-discovery, I guess a crisis will do that. I'm learning about myself along the way.

I wonder if part of me being on board with keeping it secret, is my own shame. Don't misunderstand me -- I am not ashamed that I could not keep her happy and fulfilled, because I wasn't trying.

But it is really hard to admit, that I knew better, and married a person capable of this anyway.

As in, siblings or cousins have great marriages and kids and you don't want to look like the family screwup? That's certainly understandable. But secrets don't really work long term, and the impact is a lot worse once people find out that not only did all this happen, but you've been hiding it for months or years. Now you look shady, and you've internalized a lot of stress in keeping a secret all that time. It's exhausting. You're really going down the completely wrong road here if you ever want to feel good about anything again.

 

[cstu]

All well and good...but your parents didn't divorce and then continue to lie to you and your brother about their marriage for X number of years, did they? Do you think there might be a difference?

Imagine finding out when you're 18 years old that your parents have been lying to you for 15 years?

I'd say "Thanks".

 

[TheIronSheik]

And why are you doing your wife a favor and keeping this secret of hers so that her family and your family won't find out? That seems to be quite a big favor you're doing for the woman who just cheated on you.

This. I had no problem telling my mom and dad about my wife's affair. They were pissed at her for a long time, but they got over it. When you screw around, the shame is well-deserved.

The last few months have been full of introspection and self-discovery, I guess a crisis will do that. I'm learning about myself along the way.

I wonder if part of me being on board with keeping it secret, is my own shame. Don't misunderstand me -- I am not ashamed that I could not keep her happy and fulfilled, because I wasn't trying.

But it is really hard to admit, that I knew better, and married a person capable of this anyway.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's not your fault.

I think if you got out of it, you'd be surprised at the support of your friends and family. Lots of people feel this way when they are cheated on. It's natural. But to stay with the person who did it just so you can hide that fact is the wrong way to go about this.

 

[cstu]

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

I think it is possible for people to act civilized even if they hate each other.

This is the situation I am in favor of staying together for the kids. If you are going to fight in front of them and never be nice to each other then absolutely get divorced.

 

[TheIronSheik]

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

I think it is possible for people to act civilized even if they hate each other.

This is the situation I am in favor of staying together for the kids. If you are going to fight in front of them and never be nice to each other then absolutely get divorced.

I don't see that happening. We're not talking about two people who are trying to make it work and giving it another shot. We're talking about two people who hate each other enough that they got a divorce, yet are still going to live with each other.

 

[cstu]

If you are in a low-conflict marriage and have decided to stay together for the sake of your kids, here are some tips to help you and your spouse be good coparents in spite of your relationship problems with each other.

Put yourself into a new mind-set and let go of any expectation that your marriage will make you happy.

Don't play the martyr role.

Even if you are incompatible, decide with your spouse what type of relationship the two of you will have. Will you be friends or roommates?

Set boundaries with your spouse about finances, individual space, privacy issues, and responsibilities regarding home maintenance and child care.

Make sure that you and your spouse truly understand how you two will handle sexual intimacy and possible affairs.

Discuss with your spouse how you will handle free time. Will you spend time with your kids together, or will you each have time with your children on your own?

You may need to have an explicit agreement between the two of you regarding your areas of conflict and how you will handle those issues.

Realize that a high-conflict marriage with domestic violence or emotional abuse will hurt your children.

If you decide to divorce after your children are grown, don't defend yourself. Don't tell your children that you sacrificed your happiness for them. Listen to their feelings and thoughts. Joshua Coleman writes that you need to take full responsibility for their confusion.

"Let them know that you wanted to insulate them from the problems in your marriage (in the case where those problems weren't obvious) and for that reason didn't let them know that you had been considering divorce for a long time. This kind of discussion may make them feel guilty that you stayed unhappily married for their sake. They may feel responsibile for your making a decision in their interest that affected your ability to be fulfilled in other parts of your life. You should make it absolutely clear that staying was a decision you did for yourself as well. 'I wanted to be able to have every day that I could with you. If we had divorced when you were young, it would have been hard on you and me. We all make compromises in life and this was one that I was happy to make.'"

Source: "Imperfect Harmony", page 200

 

[cstu]

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

I think it is possible for people to act civilized even if they hate each other.

This is the situation I am in favor of staying together for the kids. If you are going to fight in front of them and never be nice to each other then absolutely get divorced.

I don't see that happening. We're not talking about two people who are trying to make it work and giving it another shot. We're talking about two people who hate each other enough that they got a divorce, yet are still going to live with each other.

He's still sleeping with her, not sure I can accept that they 'hate' each other if they are doing that.

 

[TheIronSheik]

And do you think this will happen when he's admitted he no longer loves her and when she has had an affair?

I think it is possible for people to act civilized even if they hate each other.

This is the situation I am in favor of staying together for the kids. If you are going to fight in front of them and never be nice to each other then absolutely get divorced.

I don't see that happening. We're not talking about two people who are trying to make it work and giving it another shot. We're talking about two people who hate each other enough that they got a divorce, yet are still going to live with each other.

He's still sleeping with her, not sure I can accept that they 'hate' each other if they are doing that.

Yes. That's part of the illusion. We'll see how long that lasts.

 

[McGarnicle]

And why are you doing your wife a favor and keeping this secret of hers so that her family and your family won't find out? That seems to be quite a big favor you're doing for the woman who just cheated on you.

This. I had no problem telling my mom and dad about my wife's affair. They were pissed at her for a long time, but they got over it. When you screw around, the shame is well-deserved.

The last few months have been full of introspection and self-discovery, I guess a crisis will do that. I'm learning about myself along the way.

I wonder if part of me being on board with keeping it secret, is my own shame. Don't misunderstand me -- I am not ashamed that I could not keep her happy and fulfilled, because I wasn't trying.

But it is really hard to admit, that I knew better, and married a person capable of this anyway.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's not your fault.

I think if you got out of it, you'd be surprised at the support of your friends and family. Lots of people feel this way when they are cheated on. It's natural. But to stay with the person who did it just so you can hide that fact is the wrong way to go about this.

This. You'll get support and understanding if you're upfront about what's happening. Months or years later when they find out you've been in a sham of a marriage all that time? Much more difficult to understand. And of course it's not your fault at all. Women are whores nowadays, hell, probably half of the guys on this board have wives that are screwing some yoga instructor or Comcast technician at this very moment. Or getting double teamed by the landscaper and the FedEx guy, or maybe receiving oral from a neighbor who works out of a home office.

 

[cstu]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

 

[TheIronSheik]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

I disagree. There are plenty of kids out there who grew up living through a divorce who are just fine. Having your parents divorce is not the end of the world.

 

[McGarnicle]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

I disagree. There are plenty of kids out there who grew up living through a divorce who are just fine. Having your parents divorce is not the end of the world.

I do think too many people take the easy way out without working on their marriages, but yeah, sometimes divorce is the best option. Once a certain amount of damage is done, it's impossible to repair.

 

[matttyl]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

I disagree. There are plenty of kids out there who grew up living through a divorce who are just fine. Having your parents divorce is not the end of the world.

Yeah, just look at Obama and Clinton.

 

[Todem]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

Well let's see….my wife was sleeping with another man……having an affair.

Yeah those are some serious anger issues that will prevalent just about every day.

See you in Church man.

Sheesh.

When you have 3 kids…..how about telling that to the woman who decided to have an affair and blow apart her marriage and family. Give me a freaking break.

Plenty of kids make it through divorce…….and turn out fine, productive members of society.

Seriously.

 

[matuski]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

I disagree. There are plenty of kids out there who grew up living through a divorce who are just fine. Having your parents divorce is not the end of the world.

I do think too many people take the easy way out without working on their marriages, but yeah, sometimes divorce is the best option. Once a certain amount of damage is done, it's impossible to repair.

 

[cstu]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

Well let's see….my wife was sleeping with another man……having an affair.Yeah those are some serious anger issues that will prevalent just about every day.

See you in Church man.

Sheesh.

When you have 3 kids…..how about telling that to the woman who decided to have an affair and blow apart her marriage and family. Give me a freaking break.

Plenty of kids make it through divorce…….and turn out fine, productive members of society.

Seriously.

No one is less religious than me so it has nothing to do with that. My absolute last resort would be to get a divorce because I couldn't fathom being less of a part of my daughter's life.

 

[Todem]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

Well let's see….my wife was sleeping with another man……having an affair. Yeah those are some serious anger issues that will prevalent just about every day. See you in Church man. Sheesh. When you have 3 kids…..how about telling that to the woman who decided to have an affair and blow apart her marriage and family. Give me a freaking break. Plenty of kids make it through divorce…….and turn out fine, productive members of society. Seriously.

No one is less religious than me so it has nothing to do with that. My absolute last resort would be to get a divorce because I couldn't fathom being less of a part of my daughter's life.

Hey I feel that. My son is my life as well. It is a tough tough spot when you have kids....but the one thing I personally can never tolerate is such blatent infidelity,

 

[Grace Under Pressure]

Her behavior should be called out to both families. Why? Because it's the truth.

 

[Johnny Rock]

You made the tough decision to divorce her to preserve your dignity. That was the hardest part. But lying about it goes against that healing.

The shame is on her. Forgive yourself for choosing her. You've still got your kids.

My parents divorced when I was five and I never really knew my dad. I'm fifth of six kids. I'm glad my mom removed herself from a toxic alcoholic situation and gave me a solid example of respect for herself.

I don't lie to my kids and I tell them I don't want them to lie to me. Something this big is too toxic to keep to yourself and hold inside. You need the support of family and friends. They will be there for you. Trust them.

Check out Brene Brown's TED Talk on vulnerability and shame on YouTube. Then read her books, "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly."

 

[fantasycurse42]

How is this working out?

 

[Paulymaggs]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this Sarte, and sorry to hear that you kids will be going through it as well.

I can understand what you're trying to accomplish here, but have you thought about just being honest with your family that you're getting divorced because your wife cheated on you and you are unwilling to stay married to her? I don't get why you need to pretend anything other than that here. You can still choose to live together and to be working on rebuilding your relationship and rebuilding trust and be honest about it (or choose not to). Why lie to your family when you don't need to. It seems to complicate a painful and difficult life circumstance, IMO.

I can totally get the thing about being worried about how the kids will be raised at your ex's house (if her partner is disciplining them, etc.). It isn't easy going through a divorce, but I believe that you will do your kids a favor by actually creating a healthy, trusting relationship for yourself. They will learn from what you do, not what you say. If your relationship is a sham, they will learn that is what a relationship is supposed to look like. Do the right thing and be honest with yourself and take on raising these kids right. Find someone who will do it with you, and be happy. Why waste your life in a relationship that you're not committed to?

It sounds like you've resolved that your wife is not trustworthy, and that divorce is the route you want to go. Why not just sell the house, split everything up, divorce on good terms, and work on building your relationship with the mother of your kids as just that - the mother of your kids. She is going to be in your life whether you like it or not, but I don't get the desire to pretend that you're married "for the kids sake" when you are not.

I agree with those saying to get the paperwork done & finalized while everything is still amicable, btw. No telling how things will change if it starts to sink in that getting divorced really is getting divorced, regardless of whether you want to make believe otherwise.

Thanks dancingbones.

The reason to keep the affair hush is that my family would hate her, and even if we split I think I'd like things to remain amicable. For her part, she is ashamed and doesn't want her family to know either.

The reason to keep the divorce hush, is to hide the affair, while I get to regain some dignity (not married to a skank anymore).

I find it quite possible I remain single (by choice) for quite some time if we proceed with a traditional split. I worry my wife will be in relationships that would likely be even worse as models for the kids to follow. One of the reasons my wife is capable of these things is because of how her mother went from guy to guy, when my wife was a child. My thought processes is that while our relationship might not be a healthy model, it could very well be better than what the kids will observe with us separated.

I know you mean well with regards to the bolded, but you're putting in a lot of energy to manage other people. It's not your job to mitigate how much your family would hate her. Your wife's future relationships are out of your control and staying in the same household to minimize your wife bringing home men so your kids don't see their true mom is not your job. I don't think it's healthy to attempt to control so much of how other people observe your marriage and how your wife behaves.

This sartre sounds like a big control freak.

 

[Tick]

I def could never love ever again.

I'd also let her family know what a lying whore she is. Then, I'd prob hunt the dude down... If he knew she was married, he'd prob be in for a #### storm too... If he was married, I'd also go and try to nail his wife.

Sorry about the bad break.

I never understand this.

It's between sartre and his wife. The other guy was just the one she grabbed, wouldn't been another dude if not him. All the anger needs to be pointed at sartrette.

 

[Tick]

As for your kids, in the long run you're doing more harm than good by engaging in this whole silly subterfuge. Now it's both their parents engaging in lying, except this time it's to them - awesome.

Break it off clean. Now. It'll be better for everyone in the long run.

I always wonder about this logic. It's so much easier if this is true... but is there anything to back it up?

Deciding to stick it out in unhappiness because you think it's better for your kids is pretty painful... is the argument that this damages kids more an (unconscious) easy way out?

 

[dancingbones]

Update?

 

[trogg78]

Update?

...and they lived happily ever after.

 

[SacramentoBob]

How is this working out?

Update?

 

[D-Day]

When you bring 3(!) kids into the world you owe them to do everything possible to remain married. If it's not possible (too much fighting, anger being directed to the kids) then get out, but not until every alternative has been tried.

I disagree. There are plenty of kids out there who grew up living through a divorce who are just fine. Having your parents divorce is not the end of the world.

Murphy Brown & single mothers raising a child on there own--heroic, the kid should be fine.

Single dads raising a child on their own--heroic, kids should be fine.

Gay couples raising a child on their own--heroic, kid come from a loving family, and should be fine.

A couple want to divorce--nope, sorry. That's taking the easy way out. Need to stay together for the good of the kids. If you divorce, you doom your children to a life of therapy.

Bottom line, in all cases, if there are good adult role models, the kids should be fine.

 

[sartre]

How is this working out?

Update?

We went to the courthouse in the middle of June. She got upset once we were putting our final signatures on the papers. I think she was hoping it was a bluff. Anyway, it is official. She has been trying very hard to win my trust back. She wants to marry me again. So far she has been doing everything right, but I remind her often that this will take years to repair.

 

[dancingbones]

How is this working out?

Update?

We went to the courthouse in the middle of June. She got upset once we were putting our final signatures on the papers. I think she was hoping it was a bluff. Anyway, it is official. She has been trying very hard to win my trust back. She wants to marry me again. So far she has been doing everything right, but I remind her often that this will take years to repair.

Good for you. Curious how you reconciled the financial aspects of it. Are you paying child support, etc? What did the judge say about it?

Here in MN I would think it unlikely to go through since once you're divorced there is nothing to stop you from changing the arrangement & simply kicking her to the curb with no obligation for CS, spousal maintenance, etc.

Are either of you currently seeing other people? Do you still sleep in the same bed? Do you feel different about her and the situation now that you're divorced?

A bunch of personal questions, I know. Feel free to ignore any or all of them. Thanks for the update.

 

[sartre]

How is this working out?

Update?

We went to the courthouse in the middle of June. She got upset once we were putting our final signatures on the papers. I think she was hoping it was a bluff. Anyway, it is official. She has been trying very hard to win my trust back. She wants to marry me again. So far she has been doing everything right, but I remind her often that this will take years to repair.

Good for you. Curious how you reconciled the financial aspects of it. Are you paying child support, etc? What did the judge say about it?

Here in MN I would think it unlikely to go through since once you're divorced there is nothing to stop you from changing the arrangement & simply kicking her to the curb with no obligation for CS, spousal maintenance, etc.

Are either of you currently seeing other people? Do you still sleep in the same bed? Do you feel different about her and the situation now that you're divorced?

A bunch of personal questions, I know. Feel free to ignore any or all of them. Thanks for the update.

While I'm sure there was a judge involved in the review and approval, there was no trial or testimony. Just some paperwork and fees. I saw one clerk and that was it.

Nothing changed in terms of our living arrangements. We still act like a married couple, live together, share a bed, etc. I felt a monkey off my back after the divorce. I am a happier person having accepted the circumstances -- that we're together by chance, I may never be "in love" with her again, but I can still make the most of that situation. And we both are lucky enough to be with our kids full time.

 

[matttyl]

How is this working out?

Update?

We went to the courthouse in the middle of June. She got upset once we were putting our final signatures on the papers. I think she was hoping it was a bluff. Anyway, it is official. She has been trying very hard to win my trust back. She wants to marry me again. So far she has been doing everything right, but I remind her often that this will take years to repair.

Good for you. Curious how you reconciled the financial aspects of it. Are you paying child support, etc? What did the judge say about it?

Here in MN I would think it unlikely to go through since once you're divorced there is nothing to stop you from changing the arrangement & simply kicking her to the curb with no obligation for CS, spousal maintenance, etc.

Are either of you currently seeing other people? Do you still sleep in the same bed? Do you feel different about her and the situation now that you're divorced?

A bunch of personal questions, I know. Feel free to ignore any or all of them. Thanks for the update.

While I'm sure there was a judge involved in the review and approval, there was no trial or testimony. Just some paperwork and fees. I saw one clerk and that was it.

Nothing changed in terms of our living arrangements. We still act like a married couple, live together, share a bed, etc. I felt a monkey off my back after the divorce. I am a happier person having accepted the circumstances -- that we're together by chance, I may never be "in love" with her again, but I can still make the most of that situation. And we both are lucky enough to be with our kids full time.

And only the two of you know this? The bolded part just really weirds me out. Any sexy time - or are you still "acting like a married couple" and not having any?

 

[tonydead]

How is this working out?

Update?

We went to the courthouse in the middle of June. She got upset once we were putting our final signatures on the papers. I think she was hoping it was a bluff. Anyway, it is official. She has been trying very hard to win my trust back. She wants to marry me again. So far she has been doing everything right, but I remind her often that this will take years to repair.

Good for you. Curious how you reconciled the financial aspects of it. Are you paying child support, etc? What did the judge say about it?

Here in MN I would think it unlikely to go through since once you're divorced there is nothing to stop you from changing the arrangement & simply kicking her to the curb with no obligation for CS, spousal maintenance, etc.

Are either of you currently seeing other people? Do you still sleep in the same bed? Do you feel different about her and the situation now that you're divorced?

A bunch of personal questions, I know. Feel free to ignore any or all of them. Thanks for the update.

While I'm sure there was a judge involved in the review and approval, there was no trial or testimony. Just some paperwork and fees. I saw one clerk and that was it.

Nothing changed in terms of our living arrangements. We still act like a married couple, live together, share a bed, etc. I felt a monkey off my back after the divorce. I am a happier person having accepted the circumstances -- that we're together by chance, I may never be "in love" with her again, but I can still make the most of that situation. And we both are lucky enough to be with our kids full time.

You may never be "in love" again period if you stay in this pretend situation. How are you ever to find someone else living like that? I think it's admirable to think if the kids happiness, but, you need to think of your own happiness too.

 

[sartre]

You may never be "in love" again period if you stay in this pretend situation. How are you ever to find someone else living like that? I think it's admirable to think if the kids happiness, but, you need to think of your own happiness too.

That is true. I'll never be young again either. But I still can be happy.

Seeing my kids every day and every night is a big part of my happiness.

 

[moneyman]

You may never be "in love" again period if you stay in this pretend situation. How are you ever to find someone else living like that? I think it's admirable to think if the kids happiness, but, you need to think of your own happiness too.

That is true. I'll never be young again either. But I still can be happy.

Seeing my kids every day and every night is a big part of my happiness.

When your kids turn 18 and leave the house are you gone?

 

[sbonomo]

this is such an odd situation...You now have "hand" if you ever choose to use it...

 

[tonydead]

You may never be "in love" again period if you stay in this pretend situation. How are you ever to find someone else living like that? I think it's admirable to think if the kids happiness, but, you need to think of your own happiness too.

That is true. I'll never be young again either. But I still can be happy.

Seeing my kids every day and every night is a big part of my happiness.

Sure, but everyone would be much happier with mommy, daddy and daddy's new girlfriend that they affectionately call "nanny ta tas".

 

[dancingbones]

How is this working out?

Update?

We went to the courthouse in the middle of June. She got upset once we were putting our final signatures on the papers. I think she was hoping it was a bluff. Anyway, it is official. She has been trying very hard to win my trust back. She wants to marry me again. So far she has been doing everything right, but I remind her often that this will take years to repair.

Good for you. Curious how you reconciled the financial aspects of it. Are you paying child support, etc? What did the judge say about it?

Here in MN I would think it unlikely to go through since once you're divorced there is nothing to stop you from changing the arrangement & simply kicking her to the curb with no obligation for CS, spousal maintenance, etc.

Are either of you currently seeing other people? Do you still sleep in the same bed? Do you feel different about her and the situation now that you're divorced?

A bunch of personal questions, I know. Feel free to ignore any or all of them. Thanks for the update.

While I'm sure there was a judge involved in the review and approval, there was no trial or testimony. Just some paperwork and fees. I saw one clerk and that was it.

Nothing changed in terms of our living arrangements. We still act like a married couple, live together, share a bed, etc. I felt a monkey off my back after the divorce. I am a happier person having accepted the circumstances -- that we're together by chance, I may never be "in love" with her again, but I can still make the most of that situation. And we both are lucky enough to be with our kids full time.

Very unique solution. Does it pose problems with your insurance? I would assume she would no longer be insurable as your spouse if she isn't, right? Are you still "pretending" to be married on that level as well? I'm sure no one would check, but if push came to shove and something happened, I'm sure some #### would hit the fan.

At any rate, glad you got the monkey of a cheating spouse off your back - and glad you are getting the time in with your kids.

Not the route I'd take, but glad if it is working for you.