My wife, she's... overweight. (2 Viewers)

[Buddy Ball 2K3]

Countdown to getting some strange?

 

[Da Guru]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good for you. Life is way too short to spend it with an uncaring fat woman.

 

[culdeus]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good luck. Willing to bet she slims down within 9 months of you splitting.

 

[Ghost Rider]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good for you. Life is way too short to spend it with an uncaring fat woman.

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good luck. Willing to bet she slims down within 9 months of you splitting.

And gets a boob job....

 

[McGarnicle]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good luck. Willing to bet she slims down within 9 months of you splitting.

And gets a boob job....

And a kegerator, bass boat and ATV.

 

[culdeus]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good luck. Willing to bet she slims down within 9 months of you splitting.

And gets a boob job....

The trendy boob job now is to do lipo from the gut and redeposit it in the boobs.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Good luck with everything. I know this is a decision you are not taking lightly. Rooting for everyone in your family to be happy.

 

[massraider]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good luck. Willing to bet she slims down within 9 months of you splitting.

 

[pats3in4]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good luck. Willing to bet she slims down within 9 months of you splitting.

I suspect she will...then gain it all back within 9 months of landing someone else. Doesn't sound like the issue is just about weight. She needs help and her finding another guy isn't going to solve that.

 

[The Duff Man]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)

A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

 

[EYLive]

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

I like this.

 

[Invaded?]

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

I like this.

I tried, I really did.

:(

 

[shadyridr]

Best of luck Invaded

 

[17seconds]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)

A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

I'm trying to do this myself. I hope I get there. In my case I find I have to detach myself from her behaviors. If I get too concerned about it, try to fight it, or try to fix it then I'm not in a good place. The only time I confront her on it is when her behavior affects the kids.

 

[EYLive]

You guys make me not want to get married. I have yet to even ask my gf if she knows what an aircraft carrier is.

 

[flapgreen]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

Good stuff here. Congratulations. When you realize improving your marriage is more about what you can do better and not about what your spouse can do better, you're in a good place.

 

[flapgreen]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

I'm trying to do this myself. I hope I get there. In my case I find I have to detach myself from her behaviors. If I get too concerned about it, try to fight it, or try to fix it then I'm not in a good place. The only time I confront her on it is when her behavior affects the kids.

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I'm uncertain this is good advice. It also strikes me as exceedingly difficult to do.

 

[mr roboto]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

I'm trying to do this myself. I hope I get there. In my case I find I have to detach myself from her behaviors. If I get too concerned about it, try to fight it, or try to fix it then I'm not in a good place. The only time I confront her on it is when her behavior affects the kids.

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I used to believe this, but not anymore. Sometimes, sure. But it's not a guarantee.

 

[Sabertooth]

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I'm uncertain this is good advice. It also strikes me as exceedingly difficult to do.

My buddy does this. His wife has cheated on him no less than 4 times. Still going strong.

 

[flapgreen]

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I'm uncertain this is good advice. It also strikes me as exceedingly difficult to do.

It's incredibly difficult but it works. It goes against what a lot of people think and say. But if you're at the end of your rope and about to get a divorce, why not try it? You have nothing more to lose.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I'm uncertain this is good advice. It also strikes me as exceedingly difficult to do.

It's incredibly difficult but it works. It goes against what a lot of people think and say. But if you're at the end of your rope and about to get a divorce, why not try it? You have nothing more to lose.

You said that "if you do that long enough" you'll get the change. How long is "long enough?"

 

[flapgreen]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

I'm trying to do this myself. I hope I get there. In my case I find I have to detach myself from her behaviors. If I get too concerned about it, try to fight it, or try to fix it then I'm not in a good place. The only time I confront her on it is when her behavior affects the kids.

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I used to believe this, but not anymore. Sometimes, sure. But it's not a guarantee.

Nothing is ever guaranteed. Some people are who they are sometimes. I'm saying give it a try and see what happens.

 

[flapgreen]

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I'm uncertain this is good advice. It also strikes me as exceedingly difficult to do.

My buddy does this. His wife has cheated on him no less than 4 times. Still going strong.

Honoring your wife and being a punching bag for continued abuse are two different things.

 

[Smarge]

People are too complex to expect any one suggestion to be the magic answer, but honoring your wife is never bad advice. That said, being respectful and supportive may not change anything.

 

[flapgreen]

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

I'm uncertain this is good advice. It also strikes me as exceedingly difficult to do.

It's incredibly difficult but it works. It goes against what a lot of people think and say. But if you're at the end of your rope and about to get a divorce, why not try it? You have nothing more to lose.

You said that "if you do that long enough" you'll get the change. How long is "long enough?"

Listen, I don't have all the answers and I'm sorry if I come across like I have it all figured out. I don't at all. I'm just going by advice I got from others I'm close to and how I used it in my own marriage. My marriage has struggled greatly at times over the years, as has anyone else who has been married. It's tough as hell and makes you feel like blowing stuff up sometimes, but I think people's mindsets in general are in the wrong place. I can only speak from my own experiences and the people I've known. There's no ultimate solution and not all marriages are salvageable. Infidelity changes everything as well. Again, I don't think I'm the authority on marriage. Just passing along some of my own experiences.

 

[flapgreen]

People are too complex to expect any one suggestion to be the magic answer, but honoring your wife is never bad advice. That said, being respectful and supportive may not change anything.

Very true

 

[pats3in4]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

I'm trying to do this myself. I hope I get there. In my case I find I have to detach myself from her behaviors. If I get too concerned about it, try to fight it, or try to fix it then I'm not in a good place. The only time I confront her on it is when her behavior affects the kids.

Love her and honor her no matter what she does. Don't let her actions dictate how you treat her. If you do that long enough without throwing a guilt trip on her or expecting anything in return, she can't help but change.

"she can't help but change"...unless she needs help (bi-polar, personality disorder, etc.). A marriage counselor who has experience recognizing when something else is going on beyond marital strife is key in diagnosing this.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Listen, I don't have all the answers and I'm sorry if I come across like I have it all figured out. I don't at all. I'm just going by advice I got from others I'm close to and how I used it in my own marriage. My marriage has struggled greatly at times over the years, as has anyone else who has been married. It's tough as hell and makes you feel like blowing stuff up sometimes, but I think people's mindsets in general are in the wrong place. I can only speak from my own experiences and the people I've known. There's no ultimate solution and not all marriages are salvageable. Infidelity changes everything as well. Again, I don't think I'm the authority on marriage. Just passing along some of my own experiences.

OK. Your original post said that if you do that stuff "she can't help but change." That seemed contrary to my experience and other stuff I've observed and read. If you had said all along "it can sometimes work, so it's worth a shot" I wouldn't have pushed back. Our views on this are clearly shaped by our own experiences. Hope your marriage is doing well.

 

[RC94]

Best of luck with everything.

 

[belljr]

For the can you fall back in love crowd it's possible.

We were just living together at the time and together about 4 years. I left and we broke up for about 3 months. I realized the issues I had were mostly me with normal women stuff and some things her. I did everything to win her back and after we reconnected we learned to enjoy each others positives and both worked on our negatives.

that was 14 years ago.

I guess my point is it is possible but it takes both people

 

[flapgreen]

Listen, I don't have all the answers and I'm sorry if I come across like I have it all figured out. I don't at all. I'm just going by advice I got from others I'm close to and how I used it in my own marriage. My marriage has struggled greatly at times over the years, as has anyone else who has been married. It's tough as hell and makes you feel like blowing stuff up sometimes, but I think people's mindsets in general are in the wrong place. I can only speak from my own experiences and the people I've known. There's no ultimate solution and not all marriages are salvageable. Infidelity changes everything as well. Again, I don't think I'm the authority on marriage. Just passing along some of my own experiences.

OK. Your original post said that if you do that stuff "she can't help but change." That seemed contrary to my experience and other stuff I've observed and read. If you had said all along "it can sometimes work, so it's worth a shot" I wouldn't have pushed back. Our views on this are clearly shaped by our own experiences. Hope your marriage is doing well.

Poorly worded on my part. I meant I think honoring your wife will create a change in her before most other things will. Infidelity, mental illnesses and other things obviously somewhat excluded.

 

[General Malaise]

I think it's possible.

 

[General Malaise]

Well, not sure what to say here.

Over the past year I've done a lot of thinking. The weight issue was a major thing, but really it was just a symptom of a lot of other problems.

At some point, after trying so hard to have deep, real conversations with her, and seeing no effort, passion, emotion... anything, I just lost it. If there was any attraction there at the beginning of all this, it's completely gone. And I'm not talking only physical attraction. I'm just not in love with her and don't see how I ever could be again. Physically, emotionally, all of it is gone.

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

She finally sees the seriousness of things, but to me it's just too late.

So, yeah. I'd guess that I'll likely be moved out sometime in 2014.

Happy Monday!

Good luck. Willing to bet she slims down within 9 months of you splitting.

And gets a boob job....

The trendy boob job now is to do lipo from the gut and redeposit it in the boobs.

Can I do this but with my Wang?

 

[Judge Smails]

Sorry Invader. It sounds like you gave this your all, and gave her every chance. This was more her choice than yours.

 

[johnnycakes]

Countdown to getting some strange?

Countdown to going to China?

 

[Invaded?]

Has anyone out there ever become completely detached from your wife and somehow come back from the ledge to fall in love with her? Is it even possible once you hit that point?

2 years ago this fall I told my wife I wanted a divorce (thanks alcohol)A year ago she asked me if we were just good friends who made the mistake of getting married.

This after being together for 18 years.

Since then we have worked at it (no counselling) and are in a great place.

We hit the point where we each realized the other was not exactly who we wanted in a mate. Maybe it took us longer to get there than others.

The turning point was deciding that we still wanted to be together anyway and re-fell in love with who they were instead of being bitter about who they were not.

Maybe I should write a book.....

Good stuff here. Congratulations. When you realize improving your marriage is more about what you can do better and not about what your spouse can do better, you're in a good place.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it in this thread or not, but the first really serious, important discussion we had about this stuff (a couple years ago), started with me saying:

"Honey, I think we need to work on our relationship. Please tell me some things I can do better."

I did those things, and still do them. When months turn into years and your spouse doesn't make real, sincere efforts to improve themselves and their role in the relationship, it wears on you to the point of no return.

 

[Invaded?]

For the can you fall back in love crowd it's possible.

We were just living together at the time and together about 4 years. I left and we broke up for about 3 months. I realized the issues I had were mostly me with normal women stuff and some things her. I did everything to win her back and after we reconnected we learned to enjoy each others positives and both worked on our negatives.

that was 14 years ago.

I guess my point is it is possible but it takes both people

I believe it's probably possible for most people.

In this case, if and when I do leave, I'm almost positive that will be it. In the end, we are just two really different people at this point in our lives. I can't see myself finding happiness with her unless she becomes a completely different person. She's already shown to be incapable of small changes, of doing simple things, so the chances of big sweeping changes are slim to none.

And to be completely fair, I don't think I can expect her to completely change who she is. She is not a bad person. But we are a bad match. We got married right out of college before either of us knew what life was about or what we wanted out of a relationship.

I've definitely joined the "no marriage before you turn 30" crowd.

 

[mr roboto]

For the can you fall back in love crowd it's possible.

We were just living together at the time and together about 4 years. I left and we broke up for about 3 months. I realized the issues I had were mostly me with normal women stuff and some things her. I did everything to win her back and after we reconnected we learned to enjoy each others positives and both worked on our negatives.

that was 14 years ago.

I guess my point is it is possible but it takes both people

I believe it's probably possible for most people.In this case, if and when I do leave, I'm almost positive that will be it. In the end, we are just two really different people at this point in our lives. I can't see myself finding happiness with her unless she becomes a completely different person. She's already shown to be incapable of small changes, of doing simple things, so the chances of big sweeping changes are slim to none.

And to be completely fair, I don't think I can expect her to completely change who she is. She is not a bad person. But we are a bad match. We got married right out of college before either of us knew what life was about or what we wanted out of a relationship.

I've definitely joined the "no marriage before you turn 30" crowd.

I'm sorry for your experience but I don't think a one-sized-fits-all rule on this is fair.

 

[Invaded?]

For the can you fall back in love crowd it's possible.

We were just living together at the time and together about 4 years. I left and we broke up for about 3 months. I realized the issues I had were mostly me with normal women stuff and some things her. I did everything to win her back and after we reconnected we learned to enjoy each others positives and both worked on our negatives.

that was 14 years ago.

I guess my point is it is possible but it takes both people

I believe it's probably possible for most people.In this case, if and when I do leave, I'm almost positive that will be it. In the end, we are just two really different people at this point in our lives. I can't see myself finding happiness with her unless she becomes a completely different person. She's already shown to be incapable of small changes, of doing simple things, so the chances of big sweeping changes are slim to none.

And to be completely fair, I don't think I can expect her to completely change who she is. She is not a bad person. But we are a bad match. We got married right out of college before either of us knew what life was about or what we wanted out of a relationship.

I've definitely joined the "no marriage before you turn 30" crowd.

I'm sorry for your experience but I don't think a one-sized-fits-all rule on this is fair.

You are absolutely right. Nothing is ever black and white.

But I think the majority of people have no clue about life and who a suitable long term partner is until around that age.

Some people will never figure it out. And some people really do meet their "soul mate", or whatever you want to call it, when they are 20 years old.

 

[SacramentoBob]

I've definitely joined the "no marriage before you turn 30" crowd.

I'd put the starting age around 25-26, but I'm with you on this. At least 3-4 years post college, out in the world doing adult things before you consider it.

 

[trogg78]

I feel bad for someone that may have passed on their soul mate just because they were In their twenties.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

I feel bad for someone that may have passed on their soul mate just because they were In their twenties.

I think the notion of a "soul mate" strikes me as pretty silly. There isn't one magical person out there that you were destined to be with.

 

[mr roboto]

I feel bad for someone that may have passed on their soul mate just because they were In their twenties.

Yep. Although to be fair our cultural expectation is to continue adolescence well into one's late 20's so if that's the path waiting to get married till after 30 may be a better idea. Serious question Invaded: when you say your wife has become a different person, how? When (what age, what stage of parenting, any marker you think is appropriate) did it happen? Do you think you've fundamentally changed as well?

 

[mr roboto]

I feel bad for someone that may have passed on their soul mate just because they were In their twenties.

I think the notion of a "soul mate" strikes me as pretty silly. There isn't one magical person out there that you were destined to be with.

Agreed but his point stands. Arbitrary timelines are pretty silly.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

We have a counseling appointment in a week and a half, but I just feel done with everything. We've had a lot of conversations over the past couple weeks. I've flat out told her that I don't know that couples counseling is going to help, and may just make things worse, but she wants to go. I've told her that after trying so hard for so long to get her to work on things, I just don't feel that way any more and don't even WANT those things.

I can't really see counseling helping in your situation. If one party is at the point where he doesn't even want the marriage to succeed, it's hard to see what a counselor can do. Maybe it's good to go just so you can assure your kids that you really tried your best to make it work before you split up.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

I feel bad for someone that may have passed on their soul mate just because they were In their twenties.

I think the notion of a "soul mate" strikes me as pretty silly. There isn't one magical person out there that you were destined to be with.

Agreed but his point stands. Arbitrary timelines are pretty silly.

I guess I agree. People change in unexpected ways and at different times throughout their lives. If you get married at any age, you're taking the risk that you'll grow apart.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Serious question Invaded: when you say your wife has become a different person, how? When (what age, what stage of parenting, any marker you think is appropriate) did it happen? Do you think you've fundamentally changed as well?

I know this is directed at Invaded?, but I'll answer for myself. I've changed a lot over the past 10+ years, probably more than she has. Most people do.

 

[culdeus]

For the can you fall back in love crowd it's possible.

We were just living together at the time and together about 4 years. I left and we broke up for about 3 months. I realized the issues I had were mostly me with normal women stuff and some things her. I did everything to win her back and after we reconnected we learned to enjoy each others positives and both worked on our negatives.

that was 14 years ago.

I guess my point is it is possible but it takes both people

I believe it's probably possible for most people.In this case, if and when I do leave, I'm almost positive that will be it. In the end, we are just two really different people at this point in our lives. I can't see myself finding happiness with her unless she becomes a completely different person. She's already shown to be incapable of small changes, of doing simple things, so the chances of big sweeping changes are slim to none.

And to be completely fair, I don't think I can expect her to completely change who she is. She is not a bad person. But we are a bad match. We got married right out of college before either of us knew what life was about or what we wanted out of a relationship.

I've definitely joined the "no marriage before you turn 30" crowd.

I'm sorry for your experience but I don't think a one-sized-fits-all rule on this is fair.

Plus, if everyone followed this rule we'd be dealing with alot more autism.