My wife, she's... overweight. (4 Viewers)

[Invaded?]

Did the therapist take any sort of position on the issue?

He really hasn't taken a stance on anything. He's talked about his goal of getting us to communicate. Honestly I don't think he's very good, but I'm not sure that matters.

What does your wife think of him?

I think she's probably in the same boat as me. At the moment don't think he's anything special, but neither of us have ever been to counseling before so we don't quite know for sure yet and willing to give it a bit longer.

Really what he has done is ask us about fights/conversations/issues, listened to our responses, and asked the other person "How does that make you feel?".

 

[Invaded?]

Again, it's not just about the weight. There are so many issues at play here.

When I started this thread I was in a totally different place. The weight was a big issue, but I didn't realize what the real problems were and how they were all tied together.

We would still be in counseling right now if she was magically 70 lbs lighter. Unless losing those 70 lbs made her magically a more affectionate, intimate, sexual person who enjoyed having fun, made friends, was social, wanted to do things together, and was someone I felt I could have important conversations with.

But other than all that she is perfect, right?

Serious question: was she always like the person you are describing here?

Like I've said throughout the thread (it's ok if you haven't read it all, and honestly I don't remember what I've put in here and what conversations I've just had with friends) all of those things have been there at some level. But they have all gotten worse over time as I have changed in the other direction.

 

[Invaded?]

I would encourage her to try a quick, high-loss diet for a very SHORT period of time.

Those sorts of diets routinely fail. Even if she goes through with it, it's likely she'll just put the weight back on and they will have achieved nothing. I'm not sure this is a particularly good strategy. Not that I have a better one.

I agree that he's made his decision already -- I just think he needs to go through these steps to feel like he gave it his best shot.

I have not been able to imagine us fixing things and living a long happy life together for a while. I've been pretty hopeless. But I'm willing to at least go through this and see what happens.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

I have not been able to imagine us fixing things and living a long happy life together for a while. I've been pretty hopeless. But I'm willing to at least go through this and see what happens.

Have you said this in the therapist's office? It doesn't seem like his approach is particularly well-suited for your circumstances.

 

[Invaded?]

I have not been able to imagine us fixing things and living a long happy life together for a while. I've been pretty hopeless. But I'm willing to at least go through this and see what happens.

Have you said this in the therapist's office? It doesn't seem like his approach is particularly well-suited for your circumstances.

When we had our one on one session together, I told him that. I told him that I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can ever become attracted to her or in love with her again. I felt like I've exhausted my other options so here we are.

 

[pats3in4]

Again, it's not just about the weight. There are so many issues at play here.

When I started this thread I was in a totally different place. The weight was a big issue, but I didn't realize what the real problems were and how they were all tied together.

We would still be in counseling right now if she was magically 70 lbs lighter. Unless losing those 70 lbs made her magically a more affectionate, intimate, sexual person who enjoyed having fun, made friends, was social, wanted to do things together, and was someone I felt I could have important conversations with.

In the therapist's office, I suggest expanding focus on all of the issues because the weight gain is part of the whole (it's the cause, it's the effect. it's correlated...I don't know). Your wife is obviously entrenched in her view that "you should love me no matter my body shape". The more that is harped on, the digger she'll deep into that stance. Start getting the other issues out and maybe your wife will circle back on the weight gain on her own, discussing it as an issue.

We have. There has been very little focus on the weight thing. It just happened to come up a little in the last session.

That's good. I replied earlier in the thread to be patient with the therapist. It will take time for the therapist to sense patterns that guide him on who is full of crap and who is being sincere.

 

[Godsbrother]

Again, it's not just about the weight. There are so many issues at play here.

When I started this thread I was in a totally different place. The weight was a big issue, but I didn't realize what the real problems were and how they were all tied together.

We would still be in counseling right now if she was magically 70 lbs lighter. Unless losing those 70 lbs made her magically a more affectionate, intimate, sexual person who enjoyed having fun, made friends, was social, wanted to do things together, and was someone I felt I could have important conversations with.

But other than all that she is perfect, right?

Serious question: was she always like the person you are describing here?

Like I've said throughout the thread (it's ok if you haven't read it all, and honestly I don't remember what I've put in here and what conversations I've just had with friends) all of those things have been there at some level. But they have all gotten worse over time as I have changed in the other direction.

I've been married 32 years and it is normal to drift away at times, especially when you have kids, jobs, and other responsibilities. There must have been things that you and her saw in each other that made you get married and if you really want to you can find them again. The key is you both have to really want it -- you can't make someone change if they don't want to.

I don't know about her but from what you are saying here it sounds like you've already checked out. If that is the case then just get out. There is no point in trying to work things out when deep down inside you don't expect (and possibly don't want) them to.

Going through the motions is just delaying the inevitable.

 

[iamsmilin]

Again, it's not just about the weight. There are so many issues at play here.

When I started this thread I was in a totally different place. The weight was a big issue, but I didn't realize what the real problems were and how they were all tied together.

We would still be in counseling right now if she was magically 70 lbs lighter. Unless losing those 70 lbs made her magically a more affectionate, intimate, sexual person who enjoyed having fun, made friends, was social, wanted to do things together, and was someone I felt I could have important conversations with.

Hate to say it but the weight drop will make a big difference. Seems like the weight is effecting other parts of her life. She's not happy so she doesn't want to do those things and lacks the confidence to try. Although I could be missing some stuff since I haven't read the whole thread.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Going through the motions is just delaying the inevitable.

I'm not sure delaying the inevitable is so terrible. As long as they're acting civilly towards each other, which it seems like they are.

 

[Grahamburn]

Again, it's not just about the weight. There are so many issues at play here.

When I started this thread I was in a totally different place. The weight was a big issue, but I didn't realize what the real problems were and how they were all tied together.

We would still be in counseling right now if she was magically 70 lbs lighter. Unless losing those 70 lbs made her magically a more affectionate, intimate, sexual person who enjoyed having fun, made friends, was social, wanted to do things together, and was someone I felt I could have important conversations with.

Hate to say it but the weight drop will make a big difference. Seems like the weight is effecting other parts of her life. She's not happy so she doesn't want to do those things and lacks the confidence to try. Although I could be missing some stuff since I haven't read the whole thread.

If she actually went through the grueling process of losing 70 pounds she'd probably end up divorcing him out of spite anyway. If he divorces her she'll lose the weight and be on match.com before the end of 2015.

 

[Patriotsfatboy1]

What about watching lots of BBW videos? Maybe you could become a chubby chaser over time.

 

[Sabertooth]

What are the reasons you want to stay married to her?

 

[iamsmilin]

Again, it's not just about the weight. There are so many issues at play here.

When I started this thread I was in a totally different place. The weight was a big issue, but I didn't realize what the real problems were and how they were all tied together.

We would still be in counseling right now if she was magically 70 lbs lighter. Unless losing those 70 lbs made her magically a more affectionate, intimate, sexual person who enjoyed having fun, made friends, was social, wanted to do things together, and was someone I felt I could have important conversations with.

Hate to say it but the weight drop will make a big difference. Seems like the weight is effecting other parts of her life. She's not happy so she doesn't want to do those things and lacks the confidence to try. Although I could be missing some stuff since I haven't read the whole thread.

If she actually went through the grueling process of losing 70 pounds she'd probably end up divorcing him out of spite anyway. If he divorces her she'll lose the weight and be on match.com before the end of 2015.

Yup. SHE has to be the one to really want to do it for herself.

 

[Invaded?]

So the therapist wanted us to pick a night (last night) and just talk, with the expectation that it's ok if it goes poorly.

So we did, even though I was totally not in the mood. Things went as I expected.

Right now things are so hard. There are so many issues and I'm so detached it's hard for me to take anything she says with any sincerity and hope.

She's "willing" to do more stuff. She's "willing" to put more effort into showing her affection. She DOES feel "attraction and desire". She says all this stuff, but every ACTION in the past has contradicted every word. And I don't want "willing". I want someone who truly does feel these things. Someone I mesh with and enjoy truly enjoy life with.

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

So yeah, I don't know what to do.

 

[Sabertooth]

You know what to do. You are just being noble. Which is commendable. But you only go around once. Good luck.

 

[Grace Under Pressure]

What the dot situation? Is she a willing partner more so after the counseling than before?

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

What did you guys talk about?

And yup, I know exactly the feelings you describe. It seems highly unlikely that you will get anywhere close to what you are hoping for. You probably need to either move on or lower your expectations. Your marriage can probably be better than it is now, but you're not going to be head over heels in love with her.

 

[Godsbrother]

So the therapist wanted us to pick a night (last night) and just talk, with the expectation that it's ok if it goes poorly.

So we did, even though I was totally not in the mood. Things went as I expected.

Right now things are so hard. There are so many issues and I'm so detached it's hard for me to take anything she says with any sincerity and hope.

She's "willing" to do more stuff. She's "willing" to put more effort into showing her affection. She DOES feel "attraction and desire". She says all this stuff, but every ACTION in the past has contradicted every word. And I don't want "willing". I want someone who truly does feel these things. Someone I mesh with and enjoy truly enjoy life with.

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

So yeah, I don't know what to do.

It sounds like she opened up quite a bit. Did you tell her that you don't feel anything anymore and that you don't want to do things with her? In other words did you tell her that you have checked out?

 

[eoMMan]

So the therapist wanted us to pick a night (last night) and just talk, with the expectation that it's ok if it goes poorly.

So we did, even though I was totally not in the mood. Things went as I expected.

Right now things are so hard. There are so many issues and I'm so detached it's hard for me to take anything she says with any sincerity and hope.

She's "willing" to do more stuff. She's "willing" to put more effort into showing her affection. She DOES feel "attraction and desire". She says all this stuff, but every ACTION in the past has contradicted every word. And I don't want "willing". I want someone who truly does feel these things. Someone I mesh with and enjoy truly enjoy life with.

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

So yeah, I don't know what to do.

Honestly, you definitely need to get divorced. I think you're being selfish now for only staying with her for the kids, family opinion, etc. and not for her. She's not changing. You're not changing how you feel about her. Time to bounce, imo.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Honestly, you definitely need to get divorced. I think you're being selfish now for only staying with her for the kids, family opinion, etc. and not for her.

I'm confused by how he is being selfish. It's certainly possible to argue he should do things differently, but I don't understand the selfishness part.

 

[eoMMan]

Honestly, you definitely need to get divorced. I think you're being selfish now for only staying with her for the kids, family opinion, etc. and not for her.

I'm confused by how he is being selfish. It's certainly possible to argue he should do things differently, but I don't understand the selfishness part.

I think staying in a relationship for reasons other the actual person in the relationship is selfish, imo.

 

[Kraft...]

So after counseling she becomes more affectionate, won't it always feel forced and disingenuous? After basically begging for this from her for so long I think it's hard to(in my mind) get what you need from her. Even if she does start trying, wont it just feel phony? I'm asking here, not making a statement

 

[AAABatteries]

I've followed this thread off and on for a while. Just keep communicating - over and over and over. Eventually it will be obvious she's lying or she'll start changing her actions. If she does start changing then I say stick it out and keep working at it. I realize that's a huge if but I wouldn't be too worried about thinking that you can never get desire back. That would come over time if she puts the effort in. One thing for sure is - if things do get better then make sure you keep communicating constantly so you don't allow things to regress.

 

[Ramsay Hunt Experience]

So after counseling she becomes more affectionate, won't it always feel forced and disingenuous? After basically begging for this from her for so long I think it's hard to(in my mind) get what you need from her. Even if she does start trying, wont it just feel phony? I'm asking here, not making a statement

I think there's an argument for her trying to fake it til she makes it.

I've been in the situation when my wife is "making the effort." It sometimes sucks because its hard to feel into sexytime when she looks like you're holding a gun to her head. But I doubt you really get to a better sexual place without putting in the effort to have a few lousy sexual experiences. She's not going to go from subzero to fusion reactor.

 

[James Daulton]

Probably time for you to take a stand and say what you just wrote. At this point and with how you're feeling, your wife should know there's really no chance. Time to stop putting off the inevitable.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Honestly, you definitely need to get divorced. I think you're being selfish now for only staying with her for the kids, family opinion, etc. and not for her.

I'm confused by how he is being selfish. It's certainly possible to argue he should do things differently, but I don't understand the selfishness part.

I think staying in a relationship for reasons other the actual person in the relationship is selfish, imo.

I guess I'm having trouble understanding your reasoning. His wife wants to stay married, his kids want them to stay married, his family wants them to stay married. He's the one who thinks he would probably be happier if he got divorced. It just seems completely the opposite of the way I'd use the word "selfish."

I'll admit that I could be biased due to my personal situation.

 

[shadyridr]

So after counseling she becomes more affectionate, won't it always feel forced and disingenuous? After basically begging for this from her for so long I think it's hard to(in my mind) get what you need from her. Even if she does start trying, wont it just feel phony? I'm asking here, not making a statement

I think there's an argument for her trying to fake it til she makes it.

I've been in the situation when my wife is "making the effort." It sometimes sucks because its hard to feel into sexytime when she looks like you're holding a gun to her head.

speak for yourself

 

[Sand]

Hate to tell you that libido drops substantially in overweight women that have gone through a weight loss. There are physiological reasons that women experience this effect and men experience the opposite effect.

Divorced women that get skinny don't seem to have a libido loss. Funny how that works.

 

[SacramentoBob]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

It will take you a long time to overcome these feelings. You didn't start feeling that way overnight, and you aren't going to go back overnight. But all of that assumes she actually puts in the effort. If she doesn't, then that will likely never change unless you decide to change what you want from her.

 

[pats3in4]

Selfish or not selfish, I think the bigger issue is "keeping it real" vs. "fake for the sake of (wife, kids, etc.)". That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that. That the kids want them to stay married is obvious. Kids don't understand, but they will someday. And it wouldn't shock me if they say later, "Dad, why did you stay when you were so miserable?" That the extended family wants them to stay married really shouldn't matter. They have their own agenda (don't believe in divorce due to religious reasons, are afraid of what their friends will think, etc.) that isn't his to serve.

I think living a lie for the perceived pleasing of other people isn't worth it. Making yourself miserable and resentful in the process just makes the decision so much easier.

 

[eoMMan]

Honestly, you definitely need to get divorced. I think you're being selfish now for only staying with her for the kids, family opinion, etc. and not for her.

I'm confused by how he is being selfish. It's certainly possible to argue he should do things differently, but I don't understand the selfishness part.

I think staying in a relationship for reasons other the actual person in the relationship is selfish, imo.

I guess I'm having trouble understanding your reasoning. His wife wants to stay married, his kids want them to stay married, his family wants them to stay married. He's the one who thinks he would probably be happier if he got divorced. It just seems completely the opposite of the way I'd use the word "selfish."I'll admit that I could be biased due to my personal situation.

I'll stop after this post...

I look at it as selfish because he's staying there for his reasons, not because he wants to be with her. If he tells her I'm only staying married to you for the kids or whatever, that's a different story. He's being upfront and honest with her. But to act like you want to be with her when in reality, you're only doing it for reasons that make you happy or to keep your image up, that's selfish and frankly, unfair in my eyes.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that.

What she theoretically "deserves" and what she will get aren't exactly the same thing. She has young children, is seriously overweight, and has trouble in social situations. I think it is likely she will have a difficult time finding a suitable new husband. The notion that Invaded? would be doing her a favor by divorcing her just seems wrong to me.

That doesn't mean he needs to stay with her indefinitely. I just feel like there's sometimes a level of dishonesty in these discussions where first people decide the best course of action, then twist things around to suit their desired narrative.

 

[Invaded?]

What the dot situation? Is she a willing partner more so after the counseling than before?

Up until Memorial Day she thought things were "going well" (her words, at counseling). We had sex maybe 2-3 times in the previous couple months, and they were both "Hey, I'm going upstairs, you can join me if you want.". I didn't want to but did for the sake of things.

Memorial Day, or the day after, she did the "hey, I'm going upstairs, you can join me" thing and I just blew up. I told her that all this was unacceptable and I'd gotten to the point of not wanting that stuff from her at all.

We haven't had sex or kissed or anything of that nature since then.

 

[Invaded?]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

What did you guys talk about?

And yup, I know exactly the feelings you describe. It seems highly unlikely that you will get anywhere close to what you are hoping for. You probably need to either move on or lower your expectations. Your marriage can probably be better than it is now, but you're not going to be head over heels in love with her.

We talked about everything. Her main objection to the things I was saying was that I was "mis-characterizing" her.

She didn't want to do X, Y, and Z back when I was asking for it out of love, but she says she'll do things now because she sees how serious things are. Yet even with the threat of me leaving very real, she still sticks to her "you should be attracted to me no matter what" mantra. So that just kills any hope for serious change for me.

I agree wholeheartedly with the bolded.

 

[Invaded?]

So the therapist wanted us to pick a night (last night) and just talk, with the expectation that it's ok if it goes poorly.

So we did, even though I was totally not in the mood. Things went as I expected.

Right now things are so hard. There are so many issues and I'm so detached it's hard for me to take anything she says with any sincerity and hope.

She's "willing" to do more stuff. She's "willing" to put more effort into showing her affection. She DOES feel "attraction and desire". She says all this stuff, but every ACTION in the past has contradicted every word. And I don't want "willing". I want someone who truly does feel these things. Someone I mesh with and enjoy truly enjoy life with.

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

So yeah, I don't know what to do.

It sounds like she opened up quite a bit. Did you tell her that you don't feel anything anymore and that you don't want to do things with her? In other words did you tell her that you have checked out?

I didn't say checked out, but yes. I have told her that it's a catch 22 because while one of the things I want out of the relationship is to do more things together (and have a great time doing them), right now I don't want to do any of those things because that connection is just not there.

 

[Invaded?]

So after counseling she becomes more affectionate, won't it always feel forced and disingenuous? After basically begging for this from her for so long I think it's hard to(in my mind) get what you need from her. Even if she does start trying, wont it just feel phony? I'm asking here, not making a statement

Pretty accurate description of how I'm feeling.

 

[Rick James]

bro you only get 70-80 years on this planet. you want to live the rest of your life in a miserable situation just so your kids can say their parents aren't divorced? please. divorce is so common now it's not even a big deal.

 

[pats3in4]

That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that.

What she theoretically "deserves" and what she will get aren't exactly the same thing. She has young children, is seriously overweight, and has trouble in social situations. I think it is likely she will have a difficult time finding a suitable new husband. The notion that Invaded? would be doing her a favor by divorcing her just seems wrong to me.

That doesn't mean he needs to stay with her indefinitely. I just feel like there's sometimes a level of dishonesty in these discussions where first people decide the best course of action, then twist things around to suit their desired narrative.

Unfortunately there is no black/white answer. Will he be doing an obvious favor to her by leaving? Not in the slightest. All the points you raise are indeed valid. She'll probably go into a deep funk.

But here's the thing: Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before they get better. Sometimes things have to be rebuilt from scratch. From reading the thread so far, I think Invaded? is in that situation. My take on the staying vs. leaving outcomes are these:

- He stays: Things remain miserable, the wife makes half-hearted attempts at change, but really can't due to her own issues she needs to address. Things aren't better for her or him. With him there keeping up the illusion, she has no real incentive to look within and begin serious change. Yes, there is an outside chance she suddenly starts owning and addressing her issues, but I'd put those odds extremely low.

- He leaves: Either (a) she continues her miserable ways or gets even worse because she's clueless that her misery stems from within or (b) she one day decides to look deep within because he's no longer there to project her misery onto and begins the long path toward recovery.

So she'll most likely to continue her misery if he stays, she could very well continue her misery if he leaves, or she could finally look in the mirror and start fixing herself if he leaves. So yes, I do think he may be doing her a favor by leaving, but he's doing her no favors by staying.

 

[Invaded?]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

It will take you a long time to overcome these feelings. You didn't start feeling that way overnight, and you aren't going to go back overnight. But all of that assumes she actually puts in the effort. If she doesn't, then that will likely never change unless you decide to change what you want from her.

I guess I'm in "life is short" mode right now, after years of trying. What's the right amount of time to wait to see the effort? I don't know the answer, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be miserable for multiple more years.

 

[Godsbrother]

So the therapist wanted us to pick a night (last night) and just talk, with the expectation that it's ok if it goes poorly.

So we did, even though I was totally not in the mood. Things went as I expected.

Right now things are so hard. There are so many issues and I'm so detached it's hard for me to take anything she says with any sincerity and hope.

She's "willing" to do more stuff. She's "willing" to put more effort into showing her affection. She DOES feel "attraction and desire". She says all this stuff, but every ACTION in the past has contradicted every word. And I don't want "willing". I want someone who truly does feel these things. Someone I mesh with and enjoy truly enjoy life with.

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

So yeah, I don't know what to do.

It sounds like she opened up quite a bit. Did you tell her that you don't feel anything anymore and that you don't want to do things with her? In other words did you tell her that you have checked out?

I didn't say checked out, but yes. I have told her that it's a catch 22 because while one of the things I want out of the relationship is to do more things together (and have a great time doing them), right now I don't want to do any of those things because that connection is just not there.

Losing the connection is a little softer than saying "I'm not attracted to you physically or emotionally" and " I don't WANT to do things with you because I don't enjoy it."

If you truly feel that way (and it sure sounds like you do) then there really is nothing she can do to try to win back your affections because you've already checked out. IF that is the case then you should tell her that and get a divorce. At least she will have a chance to find someone that will love her and you can move on with your life too.

 

[IC FBGCav]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

It will take you a long time to overcome these feelings. You didn't start feeling that way overnight, and you aren't going to go back overnight. But all of that assumes she actually puts in the effort. If she doesn't, then that will likely never change unless you decide to change what you want from her.

I guess I'm in "life is short" mode right now, after years of trying. What's the right amount of time to wait to see the effort? I don't know the answer, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be miserable for multiple more years.

Are you scared(for lack of a better word) to let go? Maybe you don't want to be alone?

 

[Invaded?]

That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that.

What she theoretically "deserves" and what she will get aren't exactly the same thing. She has young children, is seriously overweight, and has trouble in social situations. I think it is likely she will have a difficult time finding a suitable new husband. The notion that Invaded? would be doing her a favor by divorcing her just seems wrong to me.

That doesn't mean he needs to stay with her indefinitely. I just feel like there's sometimes a level of dishonesty in these discussions where first people decide the best course of action, then twist things around to suit their desired narrative.

Unfortunately there is no black/white answer. Will he be doing an obvious favor to her by leaving? Not in the slightest. All the points you raise are indeed valid. She'll probably go into a deep funk.

But here's the thing: Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before they get better. Sometimes things have to be rebuilt from scratch. From reading the thread so far, I think Invaded? is in that situation. My take on the staying vs. leaving outcomes are these:

- He stays: Things remain miserable, the wife makes half-hearted attempts at change, but really can't due to her own issues she needs to address. Things aren't better for her or him. With him there keeping up the illusion, she has no real incentive to look within and begin serious change. Yes, there is an outside chance she suddenly starts owning and addressing her issues, but I'd put those odds extremely low.

- He leaves: Either (a) she continues her miserable ways or gets even worse because she's clueless that her misery stems from within or (b) she one day decides to look deep within because he's no longer there to project her misery onto and begins the long path toward recovery.

So she'll most likely to continue her misery if he stays, she could very well continue her misery if he leaves, or she could finally look in the mirror and start fixing herself if he leaves. So yes, I do think he may be doing her a favor by leaving, but he's doing her no favors by staying.

I think the thing that you are missing is that she is happy. Was happy. She's not miserable. She's very content living in her little bubble with her kids, having minimal intimacy, and just keeping on like we were.

So yes, staying, pretending, and continuing as we were would be great as far as she is concerned.

 

[SacramentoBob]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

It will take you a long time to overcome these feelings. You didn't start feeling that way overnight, and you aren't going to go back overnight. But all of that assumes she actually puts in the effort. If she doesn't, then that will likely never change unless you decide to change what you want from her.

I guess I'm in "life is short" mode right now, after years of trying. What's the right amount of time to wait to see the effort? I don't know the answer, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be miserable for multiple more years.

Not suggesting you go or stay. Just understand what you're in for if she decides to put in the effort. If she doesn't, then I don't see a problem with leaving.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that.

What she theoretically "deserves" and what she will get aren't exactly the same thing. She has young children, is seriously overweight, and has trouble in social situations. I think it is likely she will have a difficult time finding a suitable new husband. The notion that Invaded? would be doing her a favor by divorcing her just seems wrong to me.

That doesn't mean he needs to stay with her indefinitely. I just feel like there's sometimes a level of dishonesty in these discussions where first people decide the best course of action, then twist things around to suit their desired narrative.

Unfortunately there is no black/white answer. Will he be doing an obvious favor to her by leaving? Not in the slightest. All the points you raise are indeed valid. She'll probably go into a deep funk.

But here's the thing: Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before they get better. Sometimes things have to be rebuilt from scratch. From reading the thread so far, I think Invaded? is in that situation. My take on the staying vs. leaving outcomes are these:

- He stays: Things remain miserable, the wife makes half-hearted attempts at change, but really can't due to her own issues she needs to address. Things aren't better for her or him. With him there keeping up the illusion, she has no real incentive to look within and begin serious change. Yes, there is an outside chance she suddenly starts owning and addressing her issues, but I'd put those odds extremely low.

- He leaves: Either (a) she continues her miserable ways or gets even worse because she's clueless that her misery stems from within or (b) she one day decides to look deep within because he's no longer there to project her misery onto and begins the long path toward recovery.

So she'll most likely to continue her misery if he stays, she could very well continue her misery if he leaves, or she could finally look in the mirror and start fixing herself if he leaves. So yes, I do think he may be doing her a favor by leaving, but he's doing her no favors by staying.

I don't think we're in a huge disagreement here. I just think from her perspective, things were pretty OK until he started all this complaining. She was getting most of what she wanted. She wasn't miserable.

ETA: or, exactly what Invaded said two posts up.

 

[Invaded?]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

It will take you a long time to overcome these feelings. You didn't start feeling that way overnight, and you aren't going to go back overnight. But all of that assumes she actually puts in the effort. If she doesn't, then that will likely never change unless you decide to change what you want from her.

I guess I'm in "life is short" mode right now, after years of trying. What's the right amount of time to wait to see the effort? I don't know the answer, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be miserable for multiple more years.

Are you scared(for lack of a better word) to let go? Maybe you don't want to be alone?

Well, I don't want to be alone. I'm not scared of it, but it's not my preference. I want to be in a relationship with someone I love and can spend time with and be intimate with.

The thought of being a 'bachelor' suits me just fine for a while. But I would want to find that person at some point. I think we all do.

 

[pats3in4]

That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that.

What she theoretically "deserves" and what she will get aren't exactly the same thing. She has young children, is seriously overweight, and has trouble in social situations. I think it is likely she will have a difficult time finding a suitable new husband. The notion that Invaded? would be doing her a favor by divorcing her just seems wrong to me.

That doesn't mean he needs to stay with her indefinitely. I just feel like there's sometimes a level of dishonesty in these discussions where first people decide the best course of action, then twist things around to suit their desired narrative.

Unfortunately there is no black/white answer. Will he be doing an obvious favor to her by leaving? Not in the slightest. All the points you raise are indeed valid. She'll probably go into a deep funk.

But here's the thing: Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before they get better. Sometimes things have to be rebuilt from scratch. From reading the thread so far, I think Invaded? is in that situation. My take on the staying vs. leaving outcomes are these:

- He stays: Things remain miserable, the wife makes half-hearted attempts at change, but really can't due to her own issues she needs to address. Things aren't better for her or him. With him there keeping up the illusion, she has no real incentive to look within and begin serious change. Yes, there is an outside chance she suddenly starts owning and addressing her issues, but I'd put those odds extremely low.

- He leaves: Either (a) she continues her miserable ways or gets even worse because she's clueless that her misery stems from within or (b) she one day decides to look deep within because he's no longer there to project her misery onto and begins the long path toward recovery.

So she'll most likely to continue her misery if he stays, she could very well continue her misery if he leaves, or she could finally look in the mirror and start fixing herself if he leaves. So yes, I do think he may be doing her a favor by leaving, but he's doing her no favors by staying.

I think the thing that you are missing is that she is happy. Was happy. She's not miserable. She's very content living in her little bubble with her kids, having minimal intimacy, and just keeping on like we were.

So yes, staying, pretending, and continuing as we were would be great as far as she is concerned.

Are you sure? Doesn't sound like you've painted a picture of a happy woman, but maybe I've misread a lot of this thread.

ETA: Let me try to clarify by comparing my situation to yours and maybe there's a parallel...

My wife is very happy in our marriage...when I give in to her demands, live by her rules, don't enforce healthy boundaries and the like. When I started pushing back (rightfully so), that's when her issues, her pain, started to truly show. She needs to be in total control to mask the misery beneath. That control is unhealthy, though, and doesn't belong in a marriage. So now we're dealing with her issues.

It sounds like your wife wants similar control (an unhealthy lack of intimacy being the primary culprit) in order to be happy and this seems to be a clue that she has an unhealthy view of what a marriage should be and that stems from something inside her, maybe an insecurity about her sexuality or body image, some childhood pain that she's not good enough for you...something not right.

This is what I mean by miserable, even if she's not outwardly showing it all the time. But I suspect the more you push towards what's normal in a marriage, the more you'll expose that misery. It seems like you're doing that based on what you've written.

 

[IC FBGCav]

A huge problem is that over the past few years I became so detached, hurt, resentful, whatever... that I just don't feel anything any more. I don't WANT to do things with her because I don't enjoy it. I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally. I don't want my marriage to fail only because of things outside of our relationship (kids, family, etc.), not because of how I feel about her.

At times it feels unfair to her that I've checked out, but I really can't control those feelings at all.

It will take you a long time to overcome these feelings. You didn't start feeling that way overnight, and you aren't going to go back overnight. But all of that assumes she actually puts in the effort. If she doesn't, then that will likely never change unless you decide to change what you want from her.

I guess I'm in "life is short" mode right now, after years of trying. What's the right amount of time to wait to see the effort? I don't know the answer, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be miserable for multiple more years.

Are you scared(for lack of a better word) to let go? Maybe you don't want to be alone?

Well, I don't want to be alone. I'm not scared of it, but it's not my preference. I want to be in a relationship with someone I love and can spend time with and be intimate with.

The thought of being a 'bachelor' suits me just fine for a while. But I would want to find that person at some point. I think we all do.

But you know she is not that person and will never be that person. So why you still there?

 

[Invaded?]

That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that.

What she theoretically "deserves" and what she will get aren't exactly the same thing. She has young children, is seriously overweight, and has trouble in social situations. I think it is likely she will have a difficult time finding a suitable new husband. The notion that Invaded? would be doing her a favor by divorcing her just seems wrong to me.

That doesn't mean he needs to stay with her indefinitely. I just feel like there's sometimes a level of dishonesty in these discussions where first people decide the best course of action, then twist things around to suit their desired narrative.

Unfortunately there is no black/white answer. Will he be doing an obvious favor to her by leaving? Not in the slightest. All the points you raise are indeed valid. She'll probably go into a deep funk.

But here's the thing: Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before they get better. Sometimes things have to be rebuilt from scratch. From reading the thread so far, I think Invaded? is in that situation. My take on the staying vs. leaving outcomes are these:

- He stays: Things remain miserable, the wife makes half-hearted attempts at change, but really can't due to her own issues she needs to address. Things aren't better for her or him. With him there keeping up the illusion, she has no real incentive to look within and begin serious change. Yes, there is an outside chance she suddenly starts owning and addressing her issues, but I'd put those odds extremely low.

- He leaves: Either (a) she continues her miserable ways or gets even worse because she's clueless that her misery stems from within or (b) she one day decides to look deep within because he's no longer there to project her misery onto and begins the long path toward recovery.

So she'll most likely to continue her misery if he stays, she could very well continue her misery if he leaves, or she could finally look in the mirror and start fixing herself if he leaves. So yes, I do think he may be doing her a favor by leaving, but he's doing her no favors by staying.

I think the thing that you are missing is that she is happy. Was happy. She's not miserable. She's very content living in her little bubble with her kids, having minimal intimacy, and just keeping on like we were.

So yes, staying, pretending, and continuing as we were would be great as far as she is concerned.

Are you sure? Doesn't sound like you've painted a picture of a happy woman, but maybe I've misread a lot of this thread.

I am speaking from her perspective.

*I* don't think she's truly happy. Mostly with herself and her appearance (which has ripple effects). But as far as our relationship and our 'family life' goes, yes, she was happy.

 

[pats3in4]

That his wife wants them to stay married is no surprise, but from what he's described I'm not sure she knows what she really wants in her life other than perhaps avoiding the fear of abandonment. She deserves better than a husband just going through the motions to keep up an illusion, but likely doesn't realize that.

What she theoretically "deserves" and what she will get aren't exactly the same thing. She has young children, is seriously overweight, and has trouble in social situations. I think it is likely she will have a difficult time finding a suitable new husband. The notion that Invaded? would be doing her a favor by divorcing her just seems wrong to me.

That doesn't mean he needs to stay with her indefinitely. I just feel like there's sometimes a level of dishonesty in these discussions where first people decide the best course of action, then twist things around to suit their desired narrative.

Unfortunately there is no black/white answer. Will he be doing an obvious favor to her by leaving? Not in the slightest. All the points you raise are indeed valid. She'll probably go into a deep funk.

But here's the thing: Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before they get better. Sometimes things have to be rebuilt from scratch. From reading the thread so far, I think Invaded? is in that situation. My take on the staying vs. leaving outcomes are these:

- He stays: Things remain miserable, the wife makes half-hearted attempts at change, but really can't due to her own issues she needs to address. Things aren't better for her or him. With him there keeping up the illusion, she has no real incentive to look within and begin serious change. Yes, there is an outside chance she suddenly starts owning and addressing her issues, but I'd put those odds extremely low.

- He leaves: Either (a) she continues her miserable ways or gets even worse because she's clueless that her misery stems from within or (b) she one day decides to look deep within because he's no longer there to project her misery onto and begins the long path toward recovery.

So she'll most likely to continue her misery if he stays, she could very well continue her misery if he leaves, or she could finally look in the mirror and start fixing herself if he leaves. So yes, I do think he may be doing her a favor by leaving, but he's doing her no favors by staying.

I think the thing that you are missing is that she is happy. Was happy. She's not miserable. She's very content living in her little bubble with her kids, having minimal intimacy, and just keeping on like we were.

So yes, staying, pretending, and continuing as we were would be great as far as she is concerned.

Are you sure? Doesn't sound like you've painted a picture of a happy woman, but maybe I've misread a lot of this thread.

I am speaking from her perspective.

*I* don't think she's truly happy. Mostly with herself and her appearance (which has ripple effects). But as far as our relationship and our 'family life' goes, yes, she was happy.

You are speaking from her voiced perspective. And I think you are right that she's not truly happy and you'll find out more in therapy along these lines given enough time. This is why I recommend to stick with the therapy and have patience. This needs to be rooted out.

I edited my previous reply after you replied along the lines of her perspective of being happy.

 

[Godsbrother]

You keep talking about being unhappy and blaming it on your wife. Certainly there are things that she could do like lose weight, be more affectionate, etc. but no one can make you be a happy person. Whether you stay with her or not you've got to find happiness from within yourself.

Divorce may be the answer but just bailing out of your marriage isn't going to make you happy. And expecting the next relationship to make you happy probably isn't going to work either. Only you can make yourself happy.

Maybe you should try focusing on the good things in your life and how you can make things that aren't so good a little better instead of dwelling on your wife's inability to make you happy.