Judge Smails
Footballguy
Believe it or not it's for a high level interview. This is one of their icebreakers. Can't be X rated. Help a brother out!
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Need a funny, clean joke - whatchagot? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Judge Smails
- Start date
BobbyLayne
Footballguy
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 Bobs.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
I couldn't figure out why the frisbee kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Runkle
Footballguy
My go to clean joke:
A man was driving down the road in a convertible full of penguins when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s car and said, “Why are these penguins in your back seat?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You can't just drive around with a car full of penguins! You need to take them to the zoo!” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road in the same car. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the back seat, but they were all wearing little sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
A man was driving down the road in a convertible full of penguins when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s car and said, “Why are these penguins in your back seat?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You can't just drive around with a car full of penguins! You need to take them to the zoo!” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road in the same car. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the back seat, but they were all wearing little sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Sullie
Footballguy
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.
How many apples grown on a tree?
All of them.
What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?
Comet.
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had drumsticks.
I tried to write all these jokes down with a broken pencil but it was pointless. I'm here all week, try the veal.
Nothing, it just waved.
How many apples grown on a tree?
All of them.
What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?
Comet.
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had drumsticks.
I tried to write all these jokes down with a broken pencil but it was pointless. I'm here all week, try the veal.
Ron Swanson
Footballguy
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
He was looking for Pooh!
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Working in a mirror factory is something I could see myself doing.
The General
Footballguy
Try one about someone with Alopecia being bald.
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Ignoratio Elenchi
Footballguy
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that ####."
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that ####."
Ilov80s
Footballguy
I’ve stolen this from the movie Belfast
So a doctor called my friend John and says, “John, I’ve got some bad news for you and then I have some even worse news.”
John says, “oh no doc, what’s the bad news?”
Doc tells him, “your tests came back and you only have 24 hours to live.”
John says “Oh no that’s awful. What could possibly be worse than that?”
The doctor replies, “well I’ve been trying to get ahold of you since yesterday.”
So a doctor called my friend John and says, “John, I’ve got some bad news for you and then I have some even worse news.”
John says, “oh no doc, what’s the bad news?”
Doc tells him, “your tests came back and you only have 24 hours to live.”
John says “Oh no that’s awful. What could possibly be worse than that?”
The doctor replies, “well I’ve been trying to get ahold of you since yesterday.”
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Zegras11
Footballguy
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Zegras11
Footballguy
Zegras11
Footballguy
Zegras11
Footballguy
gianmarco
Footballguy
I used to tell a different version of this same joke.
A successful businessman owns his own company. While he is quite accomplished, he has a very short temper, especially regarding his physical deformity - he was born with no ears.
He is holding interviews with potential new employees. The first interviewee has pretty good credentials, and his interview goes well. At the end of the interview, the boss says "Now before you go, is there anything you notice about me?"
The man responds, "Well, yes. I couldn't help but notice that you don't have ears."
The boss is enraged that he had the gall to point it out, and told him to get out of his office immediately.
A second interviewee with even better credentials than the first comes in the office, and thoroughly impresses the boss with his interview. After they finish, the boss asked him the same final question, and with the response of "You haven't any ears" the second man was dismissed as well.
A third interviewee enters the boss's office. His credentials aren't nearly as good as the first two, and his interview only goes okay.
Annoyed, the boss ends the interview: "Alright, before we finish up, is there anything you notice about me?"
The interviewee responds, "You wear contact lenses, don't you?"
The boss is amazed. "Why yes I do! How on earth could you know that?"
"Well, it's kinda hard to wear glasses without any ####### ears."
He got the job.
Klimtology
Footballguy
I just got a hair cut.
Actually, I got them all cut!
Also,
Dolphin are smart fish.
That's why they're in schools.
Actually, I got them all cut!
Also,
Dolphin are smart fish.
That's why they're in schools.
skol asylum
Footballguy
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
He was dead.
Chemical X
Footballguy
My ex-wife was deaf and left me for my best friend, who is also deaf.....honestly, i should've seen the signs.
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E Street Brat
Footballguy
So what's the deal with airline peanuts?
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
A guy's sitting at a game with a coupla friends when he hears someone shout "Hey, Bob!" about 20 rows behind him. Guys cocks his head kinda surprised, stands up and searches the crowd behind him for the person who called out, develops no clue who it was and sits back down.
He watches the game for a while, they get some beer & brats and, again, 20 or so rows behind him, "Hey, Bob!". Disgustedly, he hands his beer to his friend on one side, the brat to the other and angrily scans the crowd again. Unrequited, he sits back down.
Few minutes more go by, here it comes again. "Hey, Bob!" Guy jumps up furiously, turns around and with his hands cupping his mouth for amplification, yells, "My name's not Bob!".
He watches the game for a while, they get some beer & brats and, again, 20 or so rows behind him, "Hey, Bob!". Disgustedly, he hands his beer to his friend on one side, the brat to the other and angrily scans the crowd again. Unrequited, he sits back down.
Few minutes more go by, here it comes again. "Hey, Bob!" Guy jumps up furiously, turns around and with his hands cupping his mouth for amplification, yells, "My name's not Bob!".
Jackstraw
Footballguy
Two TV antennas fell in love and got married.
The wedding was so so........but the reception was excellent.
A guy walks into a library. He says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and french fries."
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
He says "Oh sorry" and whispers "I'll have a cheeseburger and french fries."
The wedding was so so........but the reception was excellent.
A guy walks into a library. He says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and french fries."
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
He says "Oh sorry" and whispers "I'll have a cheeseburger and french fries."
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Professors at a university stumbled upon a pile of dead crows.
After taking them in for examination, they noticed that most had faint paint stains on their bodies. It was determined 98% of the murder of crows were hit by trucks and 2% by cars as the cause of death.
Why were there so many hit by trucks rather than cars?
The lookout crow could call out "Cah," but they couldn't call out "Truck."
After taking them in for examination, they noticed that most had faint paint stains on their bodies. It was determined 98% of the murder of crows were hit by trucks and 2% by cars as the cause of death.
Why were there so many hit by trucks rather than cars?
The lookout crow could call out "Cah," but they couldn't call out "Truck."
Chaz McNulty
Footballguy
It's a surprising fact that Alligators can live to be 100 years old.
That's why you're more likely to see them later.
That's why you're more likely to see them later.
Beef Ravioli
Footballguy
What did one burp say to the other burp?
You coming up with me or are you going to be a stinker?
You coming up with me or are you going to be a stinker?
Bracie Smathers
Footballguy
Man In The Box
Footballguy
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian “Where are the books about paranoia?”
She leans in and softly whispers “They’re right behind you.”
She leans in and softly whispers “They’re right behind you.”
SFBayDuck
Footballguy
Not a joke but a true story - this reminds me of back in college when I used to work in a group home. I took one of the residents who was a paranoid schizophrenic to the movies, and despite my advice he insisted on sitting in the front row. After turning around and yelling, "STOP LOOKING AT ME!" at the rest of the theater for a third time, I was finally able to convince him that the back row might be a better choice for us.
Tom Servo
Nittany Beavers
A woman goes to the dentist. After the exam, the dentist tells her she needs a root canal.
“Oh no! Not a root canal! I’d rather have a baby than a root canal!”
The dentist replies, “Let me know what you decide, and I’ll adjust the chair accordingly.”
“Oh no! Not a root canal! I’d rather have a baby than a root canal!”
The dentist replies, “Let me know what you decide, and I’ll adjust the chair accordingly.”
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wikkidpissah
Footballguy
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dad joke.
Dad joke who?
Dad joke aint funny
Who's there?
Dad joke.
Dad joke who?
Dad joke aint funny
boilerdave
Footballguy
A guy suspects his old hound dog may have gone deaf so he takes the dog to the vet to get him checked out. The vet picks the dog up and whispers into his ears. The vet turns to the guy and says well I’m going to have to put him down. The guy yells “because he’s deaf?!!” The vet says “no because he’s heavy”.
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
the animal equivalent of the ol' "guy goes to dr's office, doc takes his pulse, sticks a light in his ears, looks down his throat & says, youre gonna hafta stop masturbating, guy sadly asks why, doc says so he can finish examining him" joke that i always loved.
dickey moe
Fingerpicker
Why do gorillas have huge nostrils?
Because they have huge fingers.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have any guts.
Because they have huge fingers.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have any guts.
=Smackdown=
Footballguy
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining
And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
skol asylum
Footballguy
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
