Need Some Funeral Etiquette Opinions (1 Viewer)

[matuski]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

Nothing like that, but no reason a 5-8 year old needs to be at a funeral. Nothing to gain from it that I can figure. More the chance of them being bored and becoming a pain in the rear than anything... kinda the same approach I have with weddings.

I'd probably get a babysitter.

 

[playin4beer]

Funerals and visitations are the suck...

I'm going to set mine up to have a golf outing in the morning, followed by a bbq in the afternoon, topped off by a pontoon boat ride at night where the last

one standing can dump my ashes into the lake..

I'll just be pissed I have to miss it...

 

[Lehigh98]

Here's the thing: our family is a large family and very close. There will be a ton of family, kids included, at this thing. They are having it at the church, which has a Catholic Club right next door. For those that don't know, this is basically a Catholic bar with bowling alley's, food, beer, etc. My guess is a large group will end up there after the visitation. Which means the kids will all be playing together. Some of their cousins they don't see but once or twice a year will be there.

Ok, well in that case I'd take him to see his cousins.

Schedule another trip to the hockey game with his siblings and friend from school.

 

[NutterButter]

Funerals and visitations are the suck...

I'm going to set mine up to have a golf outing in the morning, followed by a bbq in the afternoon, topped off by a pontoon boat ride at night where the last

one standing can dump my ashes into the lake..

I'll just be pissed I have to miss it...

Now we're talking. You could have a pretty kickass party for the ridiculous price you pay for a funderal.

 

[Baloney Sandwich]

Your Aunt, your call in my opinion

 

[Lehigh98]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

Kevin's Mom: "Tell me, have you gone on vacation and left your child home?"

Gus Polinski: "No. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible too. I was all distraught and everything. The wife and I, we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor. All day. You know, we went back at night, when we came to our senses, there he was. Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse. Now, he was okay. You know, after six, seven weeks. He came around and started talking again. They get over it. Kids are resilient like that."

 

[gianmarco]

Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.

This is pretty much my view.

I agree, but since he's going to the funeral on Saturday... I'd compromise and let him go to the game.

Curious if your wife would feel the same if it was her aunt that passed.

I asked her that same question. She paused before answering: I'd let him go to the game.

Here's the thing: our family is a large family and very close. There will be a ton of family, kids included, at this thing. They are having it at the church, which has a Catholic Club right next door. For those that don't know, this is basically a Catholic bar with bowling alley's, food, beer, etc. My guess is a large group will end up there after the visitation. Which means the kids will all be playing together. Some of their cousins they don't see but once or twice a year will be there.

My aunt was one of those people who would not want to see people sad and mope around. She is the type that would want people to celebrate life, and I'm sure there will be plenty of stories being told. And my uncle and cousin would be happy to see my kids.

I appreciate all the responses, I really do. Thank you.

Edit to add: all three of my kids have been to my grandparents funerals, with open casket and everything. They have been exposed to death and are not traumatized. We have always treated death as a part of life, and they are ok with what it means.

If that's the case, then he needs to be there with your whole family. A hockey game is a terrible excuse to not be there if he would be going otherwise, your family has somewhat of an expectation, and he would get to see family that he doesn't see very often. Knowing this information is a pretty easy decision, IMO.

 

[matuski]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

Nothing like that, but no reason a 5-8 year old needs to be at a funeral. Nothing to gain from it that I can figure. More the chance of them being bored and becoming a pain in the rear than anything... kinda the same approach I have with weddings.

I'd probably get a babysitter.

Of course they will be bored, but that's OK sometimes.

Happens all the time, usually no big deal... but there are times I leave them at home. Usually weddings unless their friends will be there, a 50th anniversary party last weekend, work parties (sometimes kids are allowed for some reason), we have been fortunate not to have any funerals in their lives yet... but depending on the scenario I would lean toward leaving them out of it. Not out of any fear of traumatizing them, or because I care if they are bored for a couple hours.. but because there isn't any reason to have them there and the most likely outcome is going to be misbehaving/distracting at some point.

At this age, I am thinking any "lessons" would go right over their heads... or at best not stick.

 

[matuski]

I missed all the other kids and party part.

Yea, if there are other kids/friends to keep each other busy.. I'd take them.

Scratch the above.. missed that detail.

 

[shadyridr]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

Nobody said that

 

[Doug B]

I missed all the other kids and party part.

Yea, if there are other kids/friends to keep each other busy.. I'd take them.

Feel the same way ... it's actually something very different from a wake because of this angle.

Do make a serious effort to make up the hockey game, though.

 

[tri-man 47]

On one hand, I don't see why the kids need to be at the visitation for a great-aunt. It could actually become a problem, since a lot of young children/cousins won't stand quietly with their game faces on for a long time. Better the kids come and pay respects then get taken back to someone's house to spend time together.

On the other hand, attending a hockey game is a rather weak excuse to miss the family event. The other family would certainly understand if he misses the game. No reason to worry about what they'd think.

If all the kid cousins will be at the visitation the whole time, then I'd bring your son as well. But if the kids will be hanging out somewhere or in a back room, then I'd let him go to the game if that's what HE wants.

What's a good excuse? That's what this thread should be about b/c whatever it is, that's what you tell whoever asks at the wake.

An obligation at school (rehearsal/performance of some sort), for example, vs. this choice to attend a sporting event.

 

[NutterButter]

On one hand, I don't see why the kids need to be at the visitation for a great-aunt. It could actually become a problem, since a lot of young children/cousins won't stand quietly with their game faces on for a long time. Better the kids come and pay respects then get taken back to someone's house to spend time together.

On the other hand, attending a hockey game is a rather weak excuse to miss the family event. The other family would certainly understand if he misses the game. No reason to worry about what they'd think.

If all the kid cousins will be at the visitation the whole time, then I'd bring your son as well. But if the kids will be hanging out somewhere or in a back room, then I'd let him go to the game if that's what HE wants.

What's a good excuse? That's what this thread should be about b/c whatever it is, that's what you tell whoever asks at the wake.

An obligation at school (rehearsal/performance of some sort), for example, vs. this choice to attend a sporting event.

Solid. You need to be careful not to use a lie that people will have a natural tendency to follow up on. It would be so much better if there wasn't the funeral the next day. Maybe just go with all the kids are sick and hire a sitter for both the wake and the funeral. That's going to cost ya though especially if you're doing the whole repast thing.

Btw, who pays for the repast? And who pays for the funeral? I told my mom she better have some money put aside or her funeral is going to be bare bones. I'll go pick up some lumber from the depot and build a coffin myself. She can have any color stain that she wants.

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Dead people are scary.

 

[IC FBGCav]

What did your aunt get the kids for Christmas?

 

[belljr]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

My daughter hates church becasue the last time she was there was for her grandmothers funeral

 

[NutterButter]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

My daughter hates church becasue the last time she was there was for her grandmothers funeral

i think most people hate church. its pretty boring.

 

[Cjw_55106]

Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.

This is pretty much my view.

I agree, but since he's going to the funeral on Saturday... I'd compromise and let him go to the game.

Curious if your wife would feel the same if it was her aunt that passed.

I asked her that same question. She paused before answering: I'd let him go to the game.

Here's the thing: our family is a large family and very close. There will be a ton of family, kids included, at this thing. They are having it at the church, which has a Catholic Club right next door. For those that don't know, this is basically a Catholic bar with bowling alley's, food, beer, etc. My guess is a large group will end up there after the visitation. Which means the kids will all be playing together. Some of their cousins they don't see but once or twice a year will be there.

My aunt was one of those people who would not want to see people sad and mope around. She is the type that would want people to celebrate life, and I'm sure there will be plenty of stories being told. And my uncle and cousin would be happy to see my kids.

I appreciate all the responses, I really do. Thank you.

Edit to add: all three of my kids have been to my grandparents funerals, with open casket and everything. They have been exposed to death and are not traumatized. We have always treated death as a part of life, and they are ok with what it means.

If that's the case, then he needs to be there with your whole family. A hockey game is a terrible excuse to not be there if he would be going otherwise, your family has somewhat of an expectation, and he would get to see family that he doesn't see very often. Knowing this information is a pretty easy decision, IMO.

Now that the bolded has been added, that's a horse of a different color. Id lean towards him going to the visitation.

 

[comfortably numb]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

My daughter hates church becasue the last time she was there was for her grandmothers funeral

A few years ago we attended a wake , funeral and few remembrance services at a church.

It was a close relative so we all would make it out.

That was my kids only connection to a church.

Now...every time we drive by a wedding exiting a church my kids ask who died?

 

[IC FBGCav]

What's with some of you thinking a funeral would traumatize or otherwise ruin a childhood?!?! Some weird fears around that.

My daughter hates church becasue the last time she was there was for her grandmothers funeral

A few years ago we attended a wake , funeral and few remembrance services at a church.

It was a close relative so we all would make it out.

That was my kids only connection to a church.

Now...every time we drive by a wedding exiting a church my kids ask who died?

I hope you replied "the groom"

 

[Da Guru]

Took my girls to my uncles funeral when they were 7 and 9 . They knew him well because he always was around..it was very upsetting to them,my younger daughter had nightmares for weeks after and wanted to sleep in our room because she kept picturing him that "that box" dead.

After that I am totally in the camp of not forcing kids...or even just not bringing younger children to funeral homes and funerals until they are mature enough to know what they are there for and be able to handle it emotionally.

 

[Ministry of Pain]

HOCKEY GAME!!!

Funerals are no place for children...and for some adults.

 

[Bucky86]

I'm an adult and wouldn't want to attend a funeral. Let him go to the hockey game.

 

[Apple Jack]

probably want to come up with something other than "he's at a hockey game" for the families who made their kids go. something like he's with the peace corps in ghana. or he got called in for surgery. both better than he preferred to take in a hockey game.

 

[E Street Brat]

Funeral... And make him touch the body. Face wash then slew foot him if he refuses.

Also,sorry for your loss.

 

[Todem]

So here's the story. I had an aunt pass away unexpectedly on Saturday. The visitation is Friday night and the funeral is Saturday morning. I have an enormous extended family, and my brothers will be coming into town with their children.

I have 3 kids: 10, 8, and 5. The 8 year old had been invited to go to a hockey game with one of his friends from school. This would be his first ever hockey game, and he of course was pretty excited.

My wife and I are having a disagreement on his attendance at the visitation on Friday.

Me: We are a family, and this is one of those moments where the family goes together. He can miss the hockey game, because there will be other hockey games. It's important we show respect to the deceased and their family, and I want him to understand that there are things in life that are so important that you drop other things to make sure you are there.

Wife: We already committed to this other family that he would go, and they bought him a ticket (about $10, which we would reimburse). He is going to be at the funeral anyway on Saturday, so he should be able to go to this event. He is excited and has been looking forward to it.

Any thoughts? I can honestly see both sides of this argument, and I'm trying not to be steadfast in my argument if I am being ridiculous. Would appreciate any feedback on what you would do in this situation.

This is a life teaching moment.

You attend all the family respect events as a family. There will be other Hockey games. The other family will completely understand. Teaching your kids priorities and family first is a golden lesson to be learned and at this age it will be remembered.

Forget the hockey game...he will go to another one.

 

[Chemical X]

hockey game........

this is your aunt? he will be at the funeral? what was his relationship with your aunt?

when he gets older and hates his entire family, he can then skip everything else like we all do.

 

[skol asylum]

Sorry for your loss. I'd send him to the hockey game and make arrangements for the other kids as well if possible as others have said.