Buddy Ball 2K3
Footballguy
My wife and I are leaning towards adoption. Fill us in on all the questions they ask, are there anythings that are automatic chance killers? (for example we dont make enough money, I have a split personality etc etc).
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*Official Adoption Thread* (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter GroveDiesel
- Start date
redman
Footballguy
Funny homestudy story. My wife and I were doing the separate interviews with the social worker. My wife went first and they were seated on our sectional sofa in our family room. Our dog, and 100 lb. German Shepherd was fast asleep on her side the whole time (about one hour) on the floor near the door outside from that room.
When my wife finished she went back across the house to get me so I could do my interview. When I arrived I found my dog sitting very calmly facing the social worker in between the coffee table and the sofa where my wife had been seated. She decided that the stranger needed watching given that my wife had left the room so she took care of it.
When my wife finished she went back across the house to get me so I could do my interview. When I arrived I found my dog sitting very calmly facing the social worker in between the coffee table and the sofa where my wife had been seated. She decided that the stranger needed watching given that my wife had left the room so she took care of it.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Not too much. We should be able to get a child that is 6 months old or younger. We also feel that with my wife being a kindergarten teacher will help in working through any of those issues. Not that being a teacher is a cure-all, but her experience there would be highly beneficial.And one of the reasons that we're doing a foreign adoption is because there's zero chance of a birth parent coming forward 2 years later and going to court to get their kid back. I know that it's rare in the U.S., but it does happen. It's not the only reason, but it's definitely one of them.
redman
Footballguy
Honestly it's pretty much common sense. They'll ask about your financess of course, but you don't need to be Bill Gates to adopt. If you can afford a child, then it'll be fine. They just want to make sure that you're not working the counter part time in a comic book store or something. They'll ask you about your family background, your relationship with your wife, how you plan to raise your children, etc., etc., etc. I haven't looked but I bet you could google 'adoption home study' and find some good info.
Buddy Ball 2K3
Footballguy
Do they look down on people being on medications for panic attacks ? I know my wife suffers from these on occasion (last major one was 10 months ago) and she is worried that will be held against her.
redman
Footballguy
They'll ask if the condition is controlled by medication, and they may ask for a brief letter from her doctor summarizing the diagnosis, treatment and prognosis (a quick paragraph or two). The info is confidential, so just be open about it and don't worry. It's not as big of a deal to them as it is to you. They're thinking in terms of "will this affect this person's ability to adequately provide and care for a child?", so that's the degree of a problem they're looking for.
Buddy Ball 2K3
Footballguy
Great info thanks. I think my biggest issue in raising children would have to be raising them as Philadelphia fans. Learning to be a loser for at least a decade will be very hard to teach.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
redman said:
My wife has MS and was worried that may affect us. But as long as the doctor says that he believes that the person would be a fit parent, you're good to go. BUT, it CAN still affect where you could adopt from potentially. China just really narrowed down who is eligible to adopt from them and a lot of medical issues will disqualify you immediately. But most countries won't be a problem.The homestudy was actually a LOT less invasive than I anticipated it being. Just some general questions about our beliefs, what are values and priorities are, childhood backgrounds, general questions about our families and whether they were supportive. Our first homestudy interview was both of us and took about 25 minutes and the second one was tonight and each of us was interviewed seperately for about 30 minutes each. Honestly it wasn't a big deal at all.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Buddy Ball 2K3 said:
The couple that we asked to be the guardians are Philly fans. I told my friend that I'm putting in our will that our child is not allowed to be raised a Philly fan. I think that he thinks I'm joking.
Buddy Ball 2K3
Footballguy
Can you go into this further ? My wife and I are not into organized religion, is this a problem?redman said:
redman
Footballguy
Not for the social workers, however in open (domestic) adoptions the birth mother might think it's important. Our birth mother liked that my wife was raised Catholic, for example.Can you go into this further ? My wife and I are not into organized religion, is this a problem?redman said:
Buddy Ball 2K3
Footballguy
Thats the main reason my wife is no longer into organized religionNot for the social workers, however in open (domestic) adoptions the birth mother might think it's important. Our birth mother liked that my wife was raised Catholic, for example.Can you go into this further ? My wife and I are not into organized religion, is this a problem?redman said:
She still has scars on her knuckles.
redman
Footballguy
No (visible) scars, but my wife's interest has faded too - though you wouldn't know it from how rabidly she wants our boy to be raised Catholic, which I find ironic as hell and needle her about relentlessly.Thats the main reason my wife is no longer into organized religionNot for the social workers, however in open (domestic) adoptions the birth mother might think it's important. Our birth mother liked that my wife was raised Catholic, for example.Can you go into this further ? My wife and I are not into organized religion, is this a problem?redman said:My wife has MS and was worried that may affect us. But as long as the doctor says that he believes that the person would be a fit parent, you're good to go. BUT, it CAN still affect where you could adopt from potentially. China just really narrowed down who is eligible to adopt from them and a lot of medical issues will disqualify you immediately. But most countries won't be a problem.The homestudy was actually a LOT less invasive than I anticipated it being. Just some general questions about our beliefs, what are values and priorities are, childhood backgrounds, general questions about our families and whether they were supportive. Our first homestudy interview was both of us and took about 25 minutes and the second one was tonight and each of us was interviewed seperately for about 30 minutes each. Honestly it wasn't a big deal at all.
She still has scars on her knuckles.
Giant Wooden Badger
the Beav
One turned one a few weeks before we made the trip. The other turned one while we were there. They're both 5 now and perfectly adjusted little boys.Not from Russia but close. Both have at least a partial Russian heritage.Edit to add: Maybe we just got lucky. I don't know but I can't imagine them turning out any better so far.redman said:
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Aggie 86
Footballguy
One thing we had to do - again, we did a domestic adoption, was create what the agency called a "Profile". In man terms it's a marketing package for you and the wife. You make it all nice a pretty with lots of pictures of you having fun together. You write an autobiography of how much you're in love and why you would make great parents.
They give these things to the prospective birth mothers. The birth mother is calling the shots - you want her to pick you.
They give these things to the prospective birth mothers. The birth mother is calling the shots - you want her to pick you.
redman
Footballguy
We did the same thing. That profile ended up being why we had the inside track with our particular birth mother.
SwampDawg
Footballguy
Yep, same thing here. Like I said my wife is an English teacher so our bio was well written and I'm a bit of a shutterbug so we had ton's of pictures to find the ones that made us look as good as possible for any birth mother.
SwampDawg
Footballguy
Interesting, that seems like another difference between California and Pennsylvania, ours is a public adoption but you still go through an independent agency and we have own case worker. The kids also have a case worker through the county. The counties here don't do any sort of placement, they out source all that to the private agencies. This has actually worked really well because the few times we have needed something from the county it is a nightmare to get, so having our own caseworker has been a blessing. Did I mention she is in her mid to late twenties and hot ? That makes home visits that much better...lolredman said:Ours wasn't so bad either, but this reminded me of the difference between public and private adoptions. My wife and I didn't have a nursery set up when we had our home study (hell, we didn't have the nursery set up when we brought our son home!). No problem with the private agency we were working with. OTOH if we were trying to go through LA County, we'd have had to set up the nursery in its final form to get approved, and the last thing that we wanted was a nursery just sitting there with no kid, to speak nothing of no knowing the style of the nursery when you don't even know the gender of your child.SwampDawg said:
The Z Machine
Footballguy
It's sad to think that it costs over $20k to adopt a child. It should be far less. It's a disgrace for there to be unwanted children in this world that have no prospect of growing up in a loving household.
And this is coming from a guy who's not sure he even wants children at all (genetically related or otherwise).
And this is coming from a guy who's not sure he even wants children at all (genetically related or otherwise).
Schrute
Footballguy
Think about the lawyer fees, fingerprints, background checks and adoption agency fees. Then you have to pay for the medical costs associated with the birth and then caring for and housing the child up until they're adopted. The money adds up pretty quick.
SwampDawg
Footballguy
Still doesn't make it right when any pimple faced dork and some slut can have a kid and aren't fit to have cat. Then you have people that can provide a loving home and be good parents and they get raked over the coals. Personally I don't see how a lot of people do it. You have this huge outlay of cash and then you still have all the added expense of a child. We got lucky in the way our adoption came about that it will end up being fairly cheap because of the circumstances but otherwise we would have been dipping into our retirement savings to make it happen.
The questionarres and meetings etc are all so that the social worker can get to know you and and understand you and determine that you are mentally stable and will provide a good loving home for a child. All you need to do is convice the social worker and since people that go into social work are generally people that like to help others you get the benfit of the doubt. just be yourself and dont worry about it. Its not like you mark "No" to teh wrong question and boom you fail and dont get approved. You fill out all of teh info and then the social worker takes it all and writes a detailed report about you and why she approves you. All of teh questions and meeting reports are just data for her to justify her position.Bottom line...If you're a good person the social worker will see it and you have nothing to worry about. BE HONEST (just like youd raise the child to be). For example my wife and I let our social worker know that we had some alcohal related arrests on our record from back in college. Everybody has made mistakes just be yourself and be honest and you'll be fine.Buddy Ball 2K3 said:
Schrute
Footballguy
Yeah, well, life's not fair. But you can't expect adoption agencies, lawyers, governments, hospitals and orphanages/foster care agencies to do all that work for free. You do get about $12,000 of that back via a tax credit, so that helps.
redman
Footballguy
My little boy just turned five months and I couldn't be happier. Actually, neither could he - he's the happiest kid I've ever seen. I never thought I could love someone like this - I love my wife and my family, but it's different.
If you're worried about bonding, don't worry about it any more than you would with a child of your own. If it's a newborn, they won't know any different so you're their daddy. When they smile at you it's the best ever.
CrossEyed
Footballguy
Tell me about your experience going through the adoption process. What advice would you give someone just getting started?My little boy just turned five months and I couldn't be happier. Actually, neither could he - he's the happiest kid I've ever seen. I never thought I could love someone like this - I love my wife and my family, but it's different.
If you're worried about bonding, don't worry about it any more than you would with a child of your own. If it's a newborn, they won't know any different so you're their daddy. When they smile at you it's the best ever.
redman
Footballguy
I'm not sure what to cover that hasn't already been discussed in this thread. The experience in general took a year and a half for us, between the time that we went to our first orientation classes (four of them, once a week for a month IIRC) to when we brought our child home. That's pretty standard for a domestic adoption, though we of course brought our baby home on less than 24 hours notice as I indicated in my adoption thread. Make sure you're working with a good agency and/or adoption attorney (we had both, though our particular placement occurred via the attorney, and without the agency's involvement other than doing the home study and orientation).Tell me about your experience going through the adoption process. What advice would you give someone just getting started?My little boy just turned five months and I couldn't be happier. Actually, neither could he - he's the happiest kid I've ever seen. I never thought I could love someone like this - I love my wife and my family, but it's different.
If you're worried about bonding, don't worry about it any more than you would with a child of your own. If it's a newborn, they won't know any different so you're their daddy. When they smile at you it's the best ever.
I'm not sure what else to tell you.
CanadianNFLJunkie
Footballguy
Up here in Canada, I guess back a number of years ago when my wife and I adopted from Romania, the costs were much higher. Also to note though that we started the process thru Russia originally and as some of you may or may not know, over in most countries in Europe, when they have their summer vacations, EVERYONE is off for the ENTIRE summer so when we were supposed to finalize everything that one May, we got pushed to September, which kept on getting pushed back more and more so we pulled out, along with two other couples who we became friends with. We found another facilitator and started the process again, this time thru Romania. We/I had some concerns about having a child somewhat who didn't look like me, Eastern European heritage, so we went with Romania. As someone already said, I was VERY fearful of adopting locally only to have the mother ask for the baby/babies back so thats why we went International. Warning whatever any of you do, don't watch a Halle Berry movie called "Losing Isaiah". I tell ya, you'll all start balling like a 2 yr old.
Shutterbug
Try Not To Stare
This had me laughing out loud this morning. Very cute. Your story was pretty amazing. Any updated pics? Them little buggers grow fast.No kidding. It's five weeks later and I still look at him sometimes wondering how in the hell he ended up in our house.He's awesome though. We love him to death.
didn't look at the date. I knew 5 weeks didn't make much sense to me. 
Still interested in seeing pictures. Sorry about the smiley usage. They all seem to fit.
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GroveDiesel
Footballguy
We've been dragging our feet a bit on the process 
Not because of cold feet or anything, but because we got really busy and didn't have a chance to get some of the things taken care of on the paperwork side. That, and we're trying to make sure that we'll have all the money that we'll need for the process in cash before each payment is due. I really would prefer not to have to take a loan out at all to fund the adoption, but we may not end up having a choice in that.
But we're basically ready to send in the next big step. This is more in-depth medical and financial stuff as well as a signed contract with the adoption agency. One of the things in the contract states that we have to have at least 10 hours of adoption training, but we're on the other side of the country from the adoption agency. So once we talk to them today or tomorrow about how that will be taken care of, we'll be sending in the packet of info, the signed contract and a $7600 check.
That will then start the process of the agency matching us up with a child. From what I understand, that process will be about 4-6 months. I think we also have some federal government paperwork that we have to complete during that time. Once that's done, it will be about another month while some paperwork is done on the Taiwan end and then we'll head to Taiwan to pick up our child! Before we even go there, the adoption will be considered finalized on their end. We just have to go before a judge and he'll certify it. Then when we come back, we have to actually "re-adopt" the child over here. I'm not entirely sure what all that entails yet. I think it varies from state to state. So we'll be figuring that out along the way.
Not because of cold feet or anything, but because we got really busy and didn't have a chance to get some of the things taken care of on the paperwork side. That, and we're trying to make sure that we'll have all the money that we'll need for the process in cash before each payment is due. I really would prefer not to have to take a loan out at all to fund the adoption, but we may not end up having a choice in that.But we're basically ready to send in the next big step. This is more in-depth medical and financial stuff as well as a signed contract with the adoption agency. One of the things in the contract states that we have to have at least 10 hours of adoption training, but we're on the other side of the country from the adoption agency. So once we talk to them today or tomorrow about how that will be taken care of, we'll be sending in the packet of info, the signed contract and a $7600 check.
That will then start the process of the agency matching us up with a child. From what I understand, that process will be about 4-6 months. I think we also have some federal government paperwork that we have to complete during that time. Once that's done, it will be about another month while some paperwork is done on the Taiwan end and then we'll head to Taiwan to pick up our child! Before we even go there, the adoption will be considered finalized on their end. We just have to go before a judge and he'll certify it. Then when we come back, we have to actually "re-adopt" the child over here. I'm not entirely sure what all that entails yet. I think it varies from state to state. So we'll be figuring that out along the way.
Bob Wiley
Footballguy
I was just looking at this thread the other day, because it looks like my wife and I are going the adoption route as well. We'd be doing domestic adoption. From what I understand, in the present day climate, international adoptions are harder than they've been in the past, although that could certainly change. We've met with two local (South Jersey) adoption agencies, and yesterday I just started speaking with several adoption attorneys. I just want to make sure I have my bases covered. If we do this through an agency, it looks like it'll cost us just north of $25K. We can certainly swing it, especially with the assistance that both of our employers provide and the tax credit, but it's still a lot of money. Does anyone have any experience with just going through an attorney? From what I understand, in NJ, it's against the law for an attorney to accept money to help you locate a baby. If you don't go through an agency, what methods are used to help locate a baby/birthmother?
Oh, and congrats to the people who have gone through this tough and emotional process. Your words are inspirational and comforting. And good luck to the people who are currently going through this.
Oh, and congrats to the people who have gone through this tough and emotional process. Your words are inspirational and comforting. And good luck to the people who are currently going through this.
Mystery Achiever
Footballguy
A friend of mine (in NJ) "re-adopetd" her daughter who is from the Ukraine. I don't believe it was required, but she did it as a "just-in-case" measure
Prussian
Footballguy
Probably because it is a conscious decision to be responsible for another human life. In addition to the decision to have children, adoption is a significant legal and financial decision as well.Good luck, the right decision will come to you.My wife and I are still praying about adoption. I have to admit that I'm struggling with the decision. And I can't put my finger on exactly why.
redman
Footballguy
The adoption laws of each state are slightly different, and perhaps can be very different on certain points. I'm a California attorney, but my experience with adoption law is limited to my own adoption experience rather than being through my job or my training. I'd suspect that the lawyer in NJ can't get a "contingency fee" for a successful adoption, but rather must bill hourly or via some flat fee structure that has nothing to do with the success or failure of the effort. As for only going with an attorney, that's theoretically fine but generally speaking the more people you have working for you, the better the chance is of getting a successful placement faster. We had both an attorney and a private agency working for us - the attorney ended up being the source of the lead that brought us our son, but it need not have worked that way. We were considering also enlisting the services of an "adoption facilitator", essentially an adoption head hunter to attempts to link up expectant mothers or children up for adoption to prospective adoptive parents. As it happened we got our lead before this occurred, however our attorney was contacted by an adoption facilitator working with the birth mom to give us the lead on our son ironically enough.
The cost can be flexible (and I would assume that this is also something that varies by state), and it really depends upon a lot of circumstances, particularly how much financial support the birth mom needs. We were very lucky in that regard as we didn't even know about the birth mom until after our son was born, and we therefore weren't supporting her during her pregnancy - not that she needed it because she was working that entire time; she took her own vacation time after the birth, and didn't want our financial support given her own sense of independence and I guess responsibility. The total cost of our adoption will come to ~$17k, which is on the low end.
Don't take from this that the interaction with the birth moms during pregnancy is a bad thing because of the potential to need to support them financially. Yes, that can be the case particularly if the pregnancy is hard and they need time off of work, and/or they don't have health insurance. The flip side is that the more interaction you have with them the better job you can do in screening them for problems that may be deal breakers for you. We were again lucky in this regard as we have every confidence that while our birth mom probably didn't do what she should have from a dietary standpoint (the baby was 7 pounds but she only gained 3) she was otherwise clean and took care of herself.
Anyway, good luck and be patient. The questions about "When will this happen" get a little tiring when you're still searching because that's the one question you can't answer.
Giant Wooden Badger
the Beav
Closer to 5. A bunch of agencies are shutting down their China program because of it.
redman
Footballguy
Prussian said:Probably because it is a conscious decision to be responsible for another human life. In addition to the decision to have children, adoption is a significant legal and financial decision as well.Good luck, the right decision will come to you.My wife and I are still praying about adoption. I have to admit that I'm struggling with the decision. And I can't put my finger on exactly why.
It's a big choice and a big lifestyle change, and of course that applies to having any kids, whether biological or adopted. The nice thing about adoption if you want to look at it this way is that you can back out at any time prior to the finalization of the process. Believe it or not, my wife and I could legally back out right now as only the placement has technically occurred; we're still waiting on the finalization of the legal process that declares us parents of our son. Obviously that's out of the question for us now on other grounds, but I'm just making the point. I had my doubts up to the very day we brought our son home - it's natural. I'd say if you want to have kids, CrossEyed, get into the process and go as long with it as you want to, knowing that you can back out of any particular lead, or out of the process entirely, should you desire to do so. Obviously it's important to make the right decision for yourself.
Prussian
Footballguy
I am adopted. (I met my birth-mother when I was 29 and we are friends.)
I am Godfather to an adopted child and have shared with friends who adopted regarding what the child might be thinking or go through when they "realize" what adoption means in their own life. It is different for everyone and I am no psycologist. But, I think it helped to have insight.
Anyone who is considering adoption or has adopted children should always be looking for insight in to their child's feelings. One of the best things my parents ever told me was that I was "chosen", so I had to be loved. But, they also explained how my birth-mother must have loved me too in order to make such a sacrafice.
This thread shouldn't over look that fact. There is often a woman out there with incredible courage, willing to make multiple sacrafices and possibly even endure a degree of shame, who "gave up" a child for adoption and "a better life". Considering how available and "easy" abortion is now days, the respect I have for them expands exponentially.
I didn't comment on this aspect in another thread where the individual is "worried" about a pregnancy "scare". Children are blessings, not mistakes. We can talk about FBG hotties, checking menus, shark moves, etceteras ... but we must always remain accountable.
To those involved in adoptions ... a toast ... God bless you.
I am Godfather to an adopted child and have shared with friends who adopted regarding what the child might be thinking or go through when they "realize" what adoption means in their own life. It is different for everyone and I am no psycologist. But, I think it helped to have insight.
Anyone who is considering adoption or has adopted children should always be looking for insight in to their child's feelings. One of the best things my parents ever told me was that I was "chosen", so I had to be loved. But, they also explained how my birth-mother must have loved me too in order to make such a sacrafice.
This thread shouldn't over look that fact. There is often a woman out there with incredible courage, willing to make multiple sacrafices and possibly even endure a degree of shame, who "gave up" a child for adoption and "a better life". Considering how available and "easy" abortion is now days, the respect I have for them expands exponentially.
I didn't comment on this aspect in another thread where the individual is "worried" about a pregnancy "scare". Children are blessings, not mistakes. We can talk about FBG hotties, checking menus, shark moves, etceteras ... but we must always remain accountable.
To those involved in adoptions ... a toast ... God bless you.
redman
Footballguy
I think birth moms put kids up for adoption for a variety of reasons, not all of them noble, but the bottom line is that the child should be raised knowing that they're adopted and that "adopted" is not a bad word at all. We certainly dealt with a birth mom who fit your description regarding nobility and sacrifices though, and we have a tremendous amount of respect for her.
Worm
slimy ninja
Ours as well.
Schrute
Footballguy
Guatemala is mostly back up and running now. Adoptions are still being processed under old law, and they've passed their new laws which make them Hague compliant going forward.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Wow, I knew that China put in a lot of restrictions recently, but I didn't realize that it caused that much of a delay. Glad that we realized ahead of time that it was possible that we'd be disqualified from their program anyway. It's looking more and more like we made the right choice in going with Taiwan. International adoption is fairly new for them and the process is pretty streamlined. Not a whole lot of red tape involved. From our research, Taiwan was one of the shortest adoption processes.Domestically, a lot of the process just depends on what child you're willing to take. We have friends with 2 kids that are choosing to adopt through the child welfare services in NJ. They are open to receiving a kid up to 6 years old of any race. They started the process about 6 weeks ago and could end up with a kid as soon as a month from now.bobg, not sure who all you've looked at as far as adoption agencies are concerned, but we are also in South Jersey. Our adoption agency is actually in California but we needed to have a home study done. Our agency recommended Adoptions From the Heart so that's who we used for our homestudy. They were very nice people and made it a very easy process. Obviously I can't comment on them regarding the rest of the process, but they were good to work with for the homestudy and at least good enough that another adoption agency recommended them. Although, they're "open" adoption program would not be my preference.
Sweet J
Footballguy
Just a note that is apropos of nothing:
Three years before my mother had me, she got pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption. The situation surrounding conception was not really pleasant for her. She was young and catholic and afraid to tell her parents, so she moved from the east coast to california to have her baby, and then gave him up. All through my childhood, I can remember her crying every year on his birthday because of what she did. It was always something that she was very, very sad about.
In January of 2000, she put her name on some internet adoption registry. In the spring, she got a call from out of the blue by her son, my older brother. Two weeks later he flew from his home in California to my mother's home in NC and stayed with us (my mother, my two sisters who were in high school at the time, and my kid brother in middle school) for a week. He was everything that my mom could have wished for: good looking, kind hearted, intellegent, confident guy. It was really wonderful. That summer he had a bachelor party in Vegas, and I took 3 of my best friends out there to party with him and 3 of his best friends. Efffing fantastic. The next year my entire family flew out to California to stay with him for a week. We stayed with his birth mother, who threw a party and introduced her friends and family to my mother and her family, introducing my mom as "[my brother's] birth-mother." This made my mom incredibly happy.
We have stayed in fairly close touch through that past 7 years. I have tried to go out and visit a few times; my sibling see him more. He is about a cool of a cat that you'd ever meet. He certainly benefited from being adopted (his parents were true renasance people; his dad a 1970's TV star and his mom an Italian socialite -- no crap). My mom, at the time, was a complete and utter mess (picture Jenni in Forest Gump).
Anyway, that is my story. People who adopt are seriously fantastic. Kudos to all of you.
Three years before my mother had me, she got pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption. The situation surrounding conception was not really pleasant for her. She was young and catholic and afraid to tell her parents, so she moved from the east coast to california to have her baby, and then gave him up. All through my childhood, I can remember her crying every year on his birthday because of what she did. It was always something that she was very, very sad about.
In January of 2000, she put her name on some internet adoption registry. In the spring, she got a call from out of the blue by her son, my older brother. Two weeks later he flew from his home in California to my mother's home in NC and stayed with us (my mother, my two sisters who were in high school at the time, and my kid brother in middle school) for a week. He was everything that my mom could have wished for: good looking, kind hearted, intellegent, confident guy. It was really wonderful. That summer he had a bachelor party in Vegas, and I took 3 of my best friends out there to party with him and 3 of his best friends. Efffing fantastic. The next year my entire family flew out to California to stay with him for a week. We stayed with his birth mother, who threw a party and introduced her friends and family to my mother and her family, introducing my mom as "[my brother's] birth-mother." This made my mom incredibly happy.
We have stayed in fairly close touch through that past 7 years. I have tried to go out and visit a few times; my sibling see him more. He is about a cool of a cat that you'd ever meet. He certainly benefited from being adopted (his parents were true renasance people; his dad a 1970's TV star and his mom an Italian socialite -- no crap). My mom, at the time, was a complete and utter mess (picture Jenni in Forest Gump).
Anyway, that is my story. People who adopt are seriously fantastic. Kudos to all of you.
Worm
slimy ninja
For those others out there looking into adoption, it's not for everyone, but don't be "scared" of open adoption. There are lots of benefits to it.
Bob Wiley
Footballguy
Grove: We met with Adoptions From the Heart and Golden Cradle. I'm curious what made you pick an agency in Cali if you'd choose to share.
redman
Footballguy
Agreed. I'm not looking for a new best friend or co-mother situation with the birth mom, but the truth is that most birth moms are giving the child up for adoption because their life situation is such that they can't raise a child, and they therefore are mostly trying to "move on" after doing the right thing. Our birth mom only wants some pictures emailed every six months, and even that's through her adoption facilitator so she won't have our contact information. You will be able to work out those boundaries with the birth mom as you go. Our counseling indicated that most open adoption birth moms sort of drift away relatively quickly after the placement just because they're moving on with their lives. The advantage to open adoption is that you have far more insight into the birth mom's lifestyle, as well as her family medical history, so you have some useful background information. From speaking with our birth mom, we know that our son is likely to be over 6' tall, and that we'll need to watch out for Type 2 diabetes which has been common in her family.
Schrute
Footballguy
Believe me, I'm not criticizing you or pissing on your post. But this comment did bring up an interesting point that I thought I'd share. My wife and I adopted our son a couple of years ago and went through the whole international process.Anyway, I just think you have to be careful heaping praise on people who choose to adopt. I know what you're trying to say, and again, I don't disagree with your sentiment, but when people praise others for adopting it starts to head down the slippery slope of praising them for "saving some child."Maybe in your brother's case, that's exactly what happened. I'm not disputing that or saying that adoption isn't good. But the unintended side effect of those types of comments can put undue pressure on some children who are adopted because they then feel like they have to "live up to" that great thing their parents did by adopting them. If they're told by people how lucky they are to have been adopted and removed from a supposedly bad situation, for instance, that can have negative side effects too.I think the thing that needs to be focused on is how lucky we parents are that decided to adopt and that the option is out there for us. That's my only point. I don't think people who decide to adopt are any "better" than people who choose to have a biological child.
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
I'm sure that there are. I could definitely see how some of it would be beneficial. But for me, even one story of a birth parent suing and successfully getting their child back months or years later is one story too many. I'm not going to be too worried about a Taiwanese lady going to the orphanage, finding out where her kid ended up, and trying to get the child back from me in the U.S.We adopted a dog last March. They told us that the dog was perfectly healthy and house trained. It was immediately apparent that she wasn't house trained in the least and that she has some problems with her legs. But once we had her, there was no way we were giving her up. It would be about a million times harder to be forced into giving my child back to a birth parent. I don't care if the chance would only be 1 in 500,000 that it would happen, it'd still be too much. That's one of the reasons that we chose to go international. Because there's no question that the chances of that happening are zero.
ETA: But I could see how there would be some benefits to an open adoption for those willing to also deal with the potential drawbacks.
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