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Footballguy
This is a rec league 10-yo girls' soccer team. The mother of the girl in question came up to the coach 5 minutes into the second half and demanded that her daughter be taken out of goal. The coach refused and the following ensued. I didn't witness the conversation
From the father:
From the father:
Coach's response:Coach xxxxxxxx,
I wanted to talk to you about tonight's game. You put xxxxx in goal tonight and I'm good with that, I respect that you do this job for free and for the girls. I would never try to tell you how to coach but my wife approached you because xxxxx was visibly upset and she was concerned. See soccer is SUPPOSED to be fun and at that point it was a nightmare for her.
I believe you're right to put every girl in at goal BUT what I can not believe is how you spoke to my wife. It was rude and unacceptable. You should be ashamed of yourself and I think you owe her an apology. She did what most other parents would have done and she did not disrespect you. xxxxx tries hard for you and the team and I believe she deserves better.
xxxxx,
Thank you for the email. I understand your position.
Let me explain mine. Each week I ask all the girls "Who wants to play goalie?" As with most weeks, this week I got no volunteers. I then ask all girls "Who has not already played goalie for one of our games?" This week two girls raised their hand - xxxxx was one of them. The first girl played goalie in the first half and so it was xxxxx's turn to play goalie in the second half. Please understand that none of the girls who have been asked to play goalie were happy about it. This year alone, I have seen girls crying as well as girls shaking with fear and yet they still needed to play goalie because:
1) It is what the team required of them.
2) It was their turn.
I fully understood that xxxxx did not want to play goalie (she has made this clear all year long). I did not purposely delay choosing her, it was all the luck of the draw. I do not like asking players to do things they don't want to do. However, as a coach it is my job to do exactly that if I have no other options. In addition, each of the girls understood the process I was using to select goalies. If I exempted one player from it, then it would have broken the team concept and that is not appropriate. After all this is a team game and as such each player has certain responsibilities.
I understand that your wife doesn't think she disrespected me, let me give you another opinion:
1) Coaching while the game is going on is harder than it looks. I have to remember the positions every girl has played so I can rotate them around to give them exposure all over the field. I also have to remember who recently subbed on so I can sub off the other players so I can get everyone equal amounts of playing time. I also have to watch the game closely so I can provide each player guidance as to where to be and what to do so they can learn the game better. In addition, I try to make subs every 4 minutes so I am constantly discussing positions with the players on the side lines so they know who to take off and where they are to be when they go on. As it was, I missed 3 of the 8 goals today because I was trying to figure out the next subs based on who just came out and who just went in. Having a conversation during game time is extremely difficult and your wife choosing to approach me at this time shows me how little respect she has for what is involved in coaching. Trying to talk to me during a game is the absolute worst time to do so.
2) I made it clear some time ago the process I would be using to select goalies. An email went out to the team list on 12/30 with the following text: "4) Speaking of goal keepers - we have no players on the team who want to play goalie. As a result,, each week I will randomly select two players to play goal. One for the first half and one for the second half. Once a child has played, they will not play again until everyone else has had a turn." No one, not a single parent said anything to me then or any other time about this process. The time to disagree with the process was when the email first went out, not when your child's turn to play goalie has come due. Your wife choosing to come to me once xxxxx is fulfilling her duties to her team mates, shows me how little your wife respects the other players, the other parents, me and the process I outlined.
3) Your wife did not do what every other parent would have done. In fact she is the only one in all my years of coaching that has come to me and told me that I had to move her child out of a position. She literally told me I had to move xxxxx out of goal. Remember this year, I have had girls crying and shaking with fear when it was their turn to play goalie and not one parent has said anything to me before, during or after those games. If anything the children and their parents got more confidence because of how well their children did. I thought once xxxxx relaxed, she played very well in net. Your wife showed me disrespect by telling me what to do with the team. As I said to her, I am offended that the first time I heard from her was to tell me to do something different than I said I would be doing 45 days ago. I never received an email from her to register any concern with how I have been coaching. Telling me to do anything is completely unacceptable especially if it is in front of the rest of the team and telling me to do something different than the process I outlined. She chose the time and place to have the conversation, not me. At the time she approached me, I was concerned with the girls on the team, the game, the opponents and not your wife.
4) For argument's sake, lets say that I did remove xxxxx from the goal. Who should I have put there instead? By the start of the second half, every girl on the field but xxxxx had already been forced to play goalie for at least one half. Your wife just assumed that someone else would be happy to help xxxxxx out. What about the commitment I made to the other girls and their parents? Remember at the beginning of the game, no one volunteered to play goalie - if I did remove xxxxxx, I would have had to select another player instead. What message would that have sent to the rest of the team - that xxxxxx was more important than others. What message would that have sent to xxxxx - that I didn't believe she could do it. Your wife was more worried about her daughter (understandably so) than she was the rest of the team and the rest of the players. Unfortunately, I am not afforded that luxury even though I am also a parent of a player.
Over the years, as a coach, I have put a lot of players in unfamiliar and uncomfortable positions. This helps to push them and get the most out of them. I believed in my heart that xxxxx was up to the task, but that she needed to be pushed. I was watching her and her demeanor throughout the second half. If I felt that she needed to be moved out of goal (because she had lost her confidence), then I would have done so and put my own daughter there.
5) Soccer is supposed to be fun, but since it is a team sport with many variables, there are times where unfortunately, it may not be. xxxxxx HAD to play goalie at some point this year (as was outlined by my email 6 weeks ago) - whether she did it during the first game or this last game wouldn't have changed her take on it. You and your wife had weeks and weeks to mentally and physically prepare her for this reality. If she was so scared about it, then I am not sure why you didn't and why it is my fault that you chose not to. I am sorry that it was a nightmare for xxxxx, but I didn't have any other choice. I can assure you when my daughter badly sprained her ankle in soccer a few seasons ago, she had absolutely no fun.
6) Your wife doesn't think she disrespected me, but I disagree for the reasons I have outlined. Your wife approached me aggressively and since I felt disrespected, I responded in kind. I do not back down from aggressive parents since if I did all the parents would approach me that way to get what they wanted and that is something I really don't want. I have no intention of apologizing to her, but I am open to having a conversation about it with you both if you think it would make a difference.
7) I am not sure what you mean by "xxxxx tries hard for you and the team and I believe she deserves better." xxxxx does try very hard and she is rewarded with my best. Every game, I do my best to teach her the game and to give her the best exposure to it that I can. What more could I be doing for xxxxxx?
The bottom line here is xxxxxx and the other girls are what is really important. If you and your wife chose to stay mad at me, then so be it, but please don't pull xxxxx from the team. Ultimately, that would only hurt her and the rest of the team.
