This has been hard. And I am not sure where to start, except that tonight I hope I gained some clarity.
The day the half marathon was cancelled deflated me. As I'm sure happened to most of you guys as race after race was canceled. It was weird - I was on vacation in Florida trying to keep my training program going. It had been rough for awhile but I was sticking to it. But that was the week all the sheeeeeit hit the fan nationwide with this virus. And I gave in.
I'm the dad. The husband. Protector. And I went into protector mode. Secure my own borders and I gave in to the survival mode. As many of us did. My wife and I changed perspectives - I'm usually the pessimist - her the optimist. And somehow we switched roles. She has been having a hard time. And during this Covid stuff, I've maintained the positive outlook in our house.
Which I am sure is a surprise to you guys, since my history here has been about failure and triumph and failure and triumph. Usually at both extremes. And the constant questioning of myself getting into my own way about my abilities. I've always straddled the line of having just enough success to inspire me but not enough of the mental game to build on it.
And the mental game failed me again. I had given up. And once again I straddled the line of going back to old ChiefD guy and the guy I thought I was. I thought I was stronger than this, but the last couple of months have been a failure. (as a runner)
Then
@gruecd chose me for this race series. Somehow he had faith in me, yet I have not put forth the effort necessary for his team. That 5K I ran was so soft - my half marathon training with continued running should have given us the time to win round one.
And now, with a second chance at the 10K, I've dropped the ball again. That run should have rejuvenated me, yet I have given myself an excuse every day since to not run. Sure - I've had a few runs, but nothing of consequence that can help me contribute to the team. I have been wallowing in self-pity, and I have allowed myself to fall back into a pit of previous issues.
Tonight I was out in my garage with my shovels. I was looking out at the moon, and the stars, just listening to some tunes and just thinking through some things.
Then I thought of this.
I thought of you guys. I thought of the marathon. I thought of the relay. I thought of grue breaking my cooler. I thought of
@gianmarco sending me totally random shtick texts from time to time. I thought of
@tri-man 47 traveling halfway across the country rubbing
@SFBayDuck's feet on some dark mountain in California. I thought of
@Bronys fight with his legs. And
@JShare87 fight with himself. And
@The Iguana and how he overcame so much to change his lifestyle. And
@Juxtatarot just being a machine all the time. And
@pbm107 kicking covids ### and still grinding away. And
@bushdocda and that crazy effing hair he is sporting at the moment.
All of you. All the guys I cannot mention due to time (and I could sit here all night and I am almost out of beer) and because we are all here for the reason that brings YOU here. Yet, we are all a team in this. Everyone has hardships. Everyone has second thoughts. Everyone has a grind every day. I'm not special in that regard, but I wanted each of you to know (not just the ones I mentioned) you are special to me. I gain power from every one of you.
Tonight I hope that power flipped something. Tomorrow is a new day. I told my wife tonight that it is now time to start to think about me. And my running. I need to get back to a commitment. Right now I'm not sure what that is. How much or how often. But this self pity ends tonight.
I have a half marathon on August 29th. I swore I would never train again in the summer for a race. But I'm gonna train for that one. I'm not failing to meet that starting line and I sure as hell ain't gonna fail meeting that finish line.