Separated but in the same home (1 Viewer)

[bentley]

I'm wif Frosty. That's a crazy worldview.

 

[T Bell]

Wow....my motor still runs like I'm in my early 20s I hope that never goes away

Same here - mid to late 40's and the sex drive is stronger than ever.37 is way to young to be just giving up

I haven't gotten it in months. It's not that rare.

When I had kids I decided to put their needs ahead of mine. I think it's the right choice. They shouldn't pay for their parents mistakes.

I'm not sure I'm the same species as you.

It seems like some people who are in crappy marriages and no longer want to have sex with their spouse have forgotten how awesome sex is. Other than disc golf , sex is like the greatest thing ever. We're wired to want it and seek it out. It makes you feel "like a man" like just about nothing else does. And for those who say sex isn't worth the effort, I 100% guarantee that if the opportunity was out there with someone you found extremely attractive, you'd be banging as much as you were able. If not, then you should get your testosterone checked.

Darned right...OTHER THAN disc golf (lol). My friends and family who do not "partake" in the Church of Frisbetarianism ask me to describe the sport to them, and the first thought that comes into my mind is Dave Chappelle's crack addict character from Chappelle's Show. A la: http://www.celebstoner.com/assets/components/directresize/cache/dr_DaveChappelle_CS_w600_h389.jpg I go more than 3-4 days, and committing a felony or two, just to be able to get in 18 holes, sounds like a reasonable trade-off.

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying "hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack this thread! I just read James Daulton's "I don't understand..." comment in here, and immediately thought "I totally get it." Makes perfect sense to me. But then again, I've got "crack" to help keep me company. Though if my wife (or some other woman, if I wasn't married) liked to play...begged me to play...and while we're out on some lonely course with nobody else around, said "hey, I want you to rattle my chains...right here, right now!" I might last about 4-5 seconds before "...and boom goes the dynamite."

Time and money? Hell no! When I want some panties tossed at me I just levitate for them.

"That's right, #####, come fly with me!"

 

[trogg78]

You and your wife need a sex retreat... Like in the movies.

 

[Frostillicus]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

 

[datonn]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.

It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

 

[T Bell]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.

It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

There are plenty of unmarried people who are happy with their circumstances too, and many of them left unhappy marriages for happier single lives.

 

[Frostillicus]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.

It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

 

[Yankee23Fan]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

I'm no judge of what makes other people happy so you do you. But i can't help but be sure that you have rationalized a crappy situation to protect yourself from the truth of it. But i could be wrong.

 

[Otis]

Fascinating thread.

 

[Sabertooth]

PS there are 67 year old married dudes having sex outside of their marriage - not sure why you seem to think 37 is over the hill.

Not what I said at all. I said its way too much work. You make it seem like I just show up at a bar and I'm get banged by some attractive broad that night. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.

You gotta show up first. You sound like a typical porn addict to be honest. You can get your rush from porn withouth judgment or the chance of denial. But it just isn't the same thing is it?

 

[Ray Karpis]

There are most definitely women who are down with just having sex with a married guy. How can you believe that is unrealistic?

Sure they exist, but they're going to be hard as hell to find. Not worth the effort. These women are a very small minority. So you're going to have to come up with some very efficient way of weeding through the vast majority so you're not wasting time. How you do that is beyond me. Until Comfortably Numb gets that website operation, i'm just going to have to settle for porn.

You sound like one lazy bas##rd.

 

[Cliff Clavin]

It seems like some people who are in crappy marriages and no longer want to have sex with their spouse have forgotten how awesome sex is. Other than disc golf , sex is like the greatest thing ever. We're wired to want it and seek it out. It makes you feel "like a man" like just about nothing else does. And for those who say sex isn't worth the effort, I 100% guarantee that if the opportunity was out there with someone you found extremely attractive, you'd be banging as much as you were able. If not, then you should get your testosterone checked.

Darned right...OTHER THAN disc golf (lol). My friends and family who do not "partake" in the Church of Frisbetarianism ask me to describe the sport to them, and the first thought that comes into my mind is Dave Chappelle's crack addict character from Chappelle's Show. A la: http://www.celebstoner.com/assets/components/directresize/cache/dr_DaveChappelle_CS_w600_h389.jpg I go more than 3-4 days, and committing a felony or two, just to be able to get in 18 holes, sounds like a reasonable trade-off. In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying "hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack this thread! I just read James Daulton's "I don't understand..." comment in here, and immediately thought "I totally get it." Makes perfect sense to me. But then again, I've got "crack" to help keep me company. Though if my wife (or some other woman, if I wasn't married) liked to play...begged me to play...and while we're out on some lonely course with nobody else around, said "hey, I want you to rattle my chains...right here, right now!" I might last about 4-5 seconds before "...and boom goes the dynamite."

This is crazy talk. Being mid-30's and having a kid, running a business, random other crap, has definitely slowed the sex life but it isn't hard to make time if both parties are willing.

 

[Papa Georgio]

Curious the age of people that understand the arrangement compared to those who don't. I am willing to bet most of the ones who understand it are a bit older and very likely to have already divorced. My view on my marriage and kids is very different due to having gone through a divorce already. I bought into the "don't stay together for the kids" thing the first go around. Ex-wife takes my kids 3 hours away and I have watched them grow up without me and a step dad who I don't approve of (luckily he's about out of their lives) that can be somewhat mentally abusive to my kids.

My first wife had her act together and a great person, just amazingly difficult to get along with. My current is a horrible human being with no goals or ambitions but we get along amazingly.

My relationship has reached a point where some change has to happen. I can't continue. The succubus has said she doesn't think she will ever change but that we should stay together for the kids and try to make it work. So basically it sounds like she wants an open marriage, at least for her. She won't word it that way but it's what I think. Not so much sex, it's more about sexting and flirting but I am sure sex is in the picture in some way. It's one of those deals where sure it involves things of a sexual nature but it's mostly about insecurities and needing to constantly hear how hot she is and feel desired. Claims she is going to get counseling but I doubt it ever happens, she likes it too much. [SIZE=14.3999996185303px] I wouldn't be hurting for lady friends. Not that I am anything special I am just pointing out that I am not afraid of being alone, nor do I think I would have to be.[/SIZE]

I think the only way I could morally do something like this was if we divorced but stayed in the same house and had sex occasionally as part of the deal. Like someone said the 20 year old version of me would hit myself in the head with a rake. However, this wife if we divorce and separate is going to have men around my kids that are total POS regularly. I move a lot as part of my job so the real possibility that my kids are apart from one of us (probably her). Also unlike most footballguys I don't make the big money. Sex is great and she is very attractive.

I think at the end of the day I am getting a divorce, but it's not as cut and dried as one might think. Not sure there is a right or wrong answer to any of this. I think it depends on the individuals and what they need from their relationships.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

Curious the age of people that understand the arrangement compared to those who don't. I am willing to bet most of the ones who understand it are a bit older and very likely to have already divorced. My view on my marriage and kids is very different due to having gone through a divorce already. I bought into the "don't stay together for the kids" thing the first go around. Ex-wife takes my kids 3 hours away and I have watched them grow up without me and a step dad who I don't approve of (luckily he's about out of their lives) that can be somewhat mentally abusive to my kids.

My first wife had her act together and a great person, just amazingly difficult to get along with. My current is a horrible human being with no goals or ambitions but we get along amazingly.

My relationship has reached a point where some change has to happen. I can't continue. The succubus has said she doesn't think she will ever change but that we should stay together for the kids and try to make it work. So basically it sounds like she wants an open marriage, at least for her. She won't word it that way but it's what I think. Not so much sex, it's more about sexting and flirting but I am sure sex is in the picture in some way. It's one of those deals where sure it involves things of a sexual nature but it's mostly about insecurities and needing to constantly hear how hot she is and feel desired. Claims she is going to get counseling but I doubt it ever happens, she likes it too much. I wouldn't be hurting for lady friends. Not that I am anything special I am just pointing out that I am not afraid of being alone, nor do I think I would have to be.

I think the only way I could morally do something like this was if we divorced but stayed in the same house and had sex occasionally as part of the deal. Like someone said the 20 year old version of me would hit myself in the head with a rake. However, this wife if we divorce and separate is going to have men around my kids that are total POS regularly. I move a lot as part of my job so the real possibility that my kids are apart from one of us (probably her). Also unlike most footballguys I don't make the big money. Sex is great and she is very attractive.

I think at the end of the day I am getting a divorce, but it's not as cut and dried as one might think. Not sure there is a right or wrong answer to any of this. I think it depends on the individuals and what they need from their relationships.

Yeah, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

I can relate to a lot of the stuff you and Nutterbutter and Datonn have said about staying in a less-than-perfect marriage (not all of it though, some of you folks are sort of nutty, no offense).

 

[TxBuckeye]

I think the only way I could morally do something like this was if we divorced but stayed in the same house and had sex occasionally as part of the deal.

This part would scare me. You either have to wear a condom with your own wife, or risk some serious STDs. And if I have to wear a condom, then it isn't going to be for her.

 

[Glass Joe]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

 

[bentley]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

That is a load of bull. Everyone in the house is happier if spouses continue to value each other and the relationship very bit as much as the kids. Everyone needs a break. We get out a fair amount just the two of us or with our other couple friends without the kids and it makes us better parents during the time we have all together (which is still a lot).

 

[thayman]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

That is a load of bull. Everyone in the house is happier if spouses continue to value each other and the relationship very bit as much as the kids. Everyone needs a break. We get out a fair amount just the two of us or with our other couple friends without the kids and it makes us better parents during the time we have all together (which is still a lot).

That's a lazy excuse.

 

[Glass Joe]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

That is a load of bull. Everyone in the house is happier if spouses continue to value each other and the relationship very bit as much as the kids. Everyone needs a break. We get out a fair amount just the two of us or with our other couple friends without the kids and it makes us better parents during the time we have all together (which is still a lot).

That's a lazy excuse.

Both of you are talking past me. I was talking about divorce, not going out or having fun. I think parents staying together for the kids is the right choice, even if it means not being fulfilled or happy. That's my mistake, not the kids.

 

[Thorn]

PS there are 67 year old married dudes having sex outside of their marriage - not sure why you seem to think 37 is over the hill.

Not what I said at all. I said its way too much work. You make it seem like I just show up at a bar and I'm get banged by some attractive broad that night. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.

You keep mentioning 37, so you must think it is a relevant fact. I went out on a limb and assumed you think your age is some sort of a deterrent. It's not.

Nor did I imply that you could just show up - when does that ever work in life? What I am saying is it appears you've decided that something is really difficult, when in fact it really isn't. I suppose it's some sort of sour grapes thing that you need to convince yourself of, so more power to you, I guess.

I just find it very odd and somewhat sad that a healthy 37 year old has resigned himself to a sexless life. I don't think that's fair, healthy, or right.

 

[meatwad1]

What person in this day and age has a sexless life when you still have a broadband internet connection, a bottle of Jergens, and your hand?

 

[chauncey]

This thread is a joy to read on mobile. I had a wise old lady tell me not to move back to my home state just to be close to my parents as they get older, she said I have to live my own life, that my parents would rather me follow my own dreams and just visit as much as I can. I think there might be some truth to that. Not the same thing as staying in a #### marriage "for the kids", but the principle could be applied. Be a good parent, but go live your life in a way that inspires your kids and gives them an example to follow, make them proud.

 

[cstu]

PS there are 67 year old married dudes having sex outside of their marriage - not sure why you seem to think 37 is over the hill.

Not what I said at all. I said its way too much work. You make it seem like I just show up at a bar and I'm get banged by some attractive broad that night. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.

You keep mentioning 37, so you must think it is a relevant fact. I went out on a limb and assumed you think your age is some sort of a deterrent. It's not.

Nor did I imply that you could just show up - when does that ever work in life? What I am saying is it appears you've decided that something is really difficult, when in fact it really isn't. I suppose it's some sort of sour grapes thing that you need to convince yourself of, so more power to you, I guess.

I just find it very odd and somewhat sad that a healthy 37 year old has resigned himself to a sexless life. I don't think that's fair, healthy, or right.

Trent Richardson. On the field and off.

 

[datonn]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

It's interesting. How Frostillicus makes the leap from "not enough sex" or "not as much sex as one might prefer" ( <-- I basically just described 98% of married men out there, IMHO) and that automatically meaning unhappy marriages. Hiding money and finding a good attorney. Shoot man...what if your sex life is exhaustingly-frequent and exasperatingly-satisfying...but your wife can't count to five without a calculator or taking off her socks? Uses drugs or alcohol to the point where it interferes with her ability to be an effective parent or income-generator? How she can't walk into a mall without coming home with $200-$300 in useless #### you don't need? But you've got a happy marriage because she ROCKS in the sack, right?! According to Frostillicus, apparently so.

My sex life with my wife is underwhelming. Underwhelming might even be an understatement...though I will say it has improved as our kids have gotten older. But she is a fantastic mom! She toes the line on our family budget, and is the opposite of women who need to have 400% more clothes/shoes than they can possibly wear more than 10-15 times/year. She is a fantastic daughter-in-law to my mother, who went through a very rough divorce with my dad a few years after losing her parents. Has one of the biggest hearts you will find in our community...and will lend a helping hand to those in need until it hurts! Though according to Frostillicus, I should kick my wife to the curb because my wife's libido doesn't come close to keeping up with mine. Honestly, that sounds like either some kid talking...someone who doesn't understand what it is really like out there for millions of us men (with kids, in particular) ...or someone who "over-values" sex, if that is even possible as a man (lol).

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

 

[Frostillicus]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

It's interesting. How Frostillicus makes the leap from "not enough sex" or "not as much sex as one might prefer" ( <-- I basically just described 98% of married men out there, IMHO) and that automatically meaning unhappy marriages. Hiding money and finding a good attorney. Shoot man...what if your sex life is exhaustingly-frequent and exasperatingly-satisfying...but your wife can't count to five without a calculator or taking off her socks? Uses drugs or alcohol to the point where it interferes with her ability to be an effective parent or income-generator? How she can't walk into a mall without coming home with $200-$300 in useless #### you don't need? But you've got a happy marriage because she ROCKS in the sack, right?! According to Frostillicus, apparently so.

My sex life with my wife is underwhelming. Underwhelming might even be an understatement...though I will say it has improved as our kids have gotten older. But she is a fantastic mom! She toes the line on our family budget, and is the opposite of women who need to have 400% more clothes/shoes than they can possibly wear more than 10-15 times/year. She is a fantastic daughter-in-law to my mother, who went through a very rough divorce with my dad a few years after losing her parents. Has one of the biggest hearts you will find in our community...and will lend a helping hand to those in need until it hurts! Though according to Frostillicus, I should kick my wife to the curb because my wife's libido doesn't come close to keeping up with mine. Honestly, that sounds like either some kid talking...someone who doesn't understand what it is really like out there for millions of us men (with kids, in particular) ...or someone who "over-values" sex, if that is even possible as a man (lol).

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

Would you like to put any more words in my mouth?

 

[chauncey]

Just wanted to pause the conversation to acknowledge Frosty's avatar. So damn hot Carry on.

 

[Frostillicus]

Just wanted to pause the conversation to acknowledge Frosty's avatar. So damn hot Carry on.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

It's interesting. How Frostillicus makes the leap from "not enough sex" or "not as much sex as one might prefer" ( <-- I basically just described 98% of married men out there, IMHO) and that automatically meaning unhappy marriages. Hiding money and finding a good attorney. Shoot man...what if your sex life is exhaustingly-frequent and exasperatingly-satisfying...but your wife can't count to five without a calculator or taking off her socks? Uses drugs or alcohol to the point where it interferes with her ability to be an effective parent or income-generator? How she can't walk into a mall without coming home with $200-$300 in useless #### you don't need? But you've got a happy marriage because she ROCKS in the sack, right?! According to Frostillicus, apparently so.My sex life with my wife is underwhelming. Underwhelming might even be an understatement...though I will say it has improved as our kids have gotten older. But she is a fantastic mom! She toes the line on our family budget, and is the opposite of women who need to have 400% more clothes/shoes than they can possibly wear more than 10-15 times/year. She is a fantastic daughter-in-law to my mother, who went through a very rough divorce with my dad a few years after losing her parents. Has one of the biggest hearts you will find in our community...and will lend a helping hand to those in need until it hurts! Though according to Frostillicus, I should kick my wife to the curb because my wife's libido doesn't come close to keeping up with mine. Honestly, that sounds like either some kid talking...someone who doesn't understand what it is really like out there for millions of us men (with kids, in particular) ...or someone who "over-values" sex, if that is even possible as a man (lol).

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

If you are truly happy then godspeed.But your assumption that you can speak for married men is misplaced. My wife meets all my needs. Because we both work on our marriage. Your situation is the de Nile one. Sorry.

 

[johnnycakes]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

4. A man who went to China to get his wife right from the source.

 

[James Daulton]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

It's interesting. How Frostillicus makes the leap from "not enough sex" or "not as much sex as one might prefer" ( <-- I basically just described 98% of married men out there, IMHO) and that automatically meaning unhappy marriages. Hiding money and finding a good attorney. Shoot man...what if your sex life is exhaustingly-frequent and exasperatingly-satisfying...but your wife can't count to five without a calculator or taking off her socks? Uses drugs or alcohol to the point where it interferes with her ability to be an effective parent or income-generator? How she can't walk into a mall without coming home with $200-$300 in useless #### you don't need? But you've got a happy marriage because she ROCKS in the sack, right?! According to Frostillicus, apparently so.

My sex life with my wife is underwhelming. Underwhelming might even be an understatement...though I will say it has improved as our kids have gotten older. But she is a fantastic mom! She toes the line on our family budget, and is the opposite of women who need to have 400% more clothes/shoes than they can possibly wear more than 10-15 times/year. She is a fantastic daughter-in-law to my mother, who went through a very rough divorce with my dad a few years after losing her parents. Has one of the biggest hearts you will find in our community...and will lend a helping hand to those in need until it hurts! Though according to Frostillicus, I should kick my wife to the curb because my wife's libido doesn't come close to keeping up with mine. Honestly, that sounds like either some kid talking...someone who doesn't understand what it is really like out there for millions of us men (with kids, in particular) ...or someone who "over-values" sex, if that is even possible as a man (lol).

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

So your wife makes your kids, your mom, and your community happy. What does she do for datonn? When you decided to marry her, wasn't it for what she did for/how she mad YOU feel?

 

[Thorn]

That's so far away from what frosty actually said that it makes it hard to take you seriously.

 

[Glass Joe]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

It's interesting. How Frostillicus makes the leap from "not enough sex" or "not as much sex as one might prefer" ( <-- I basically just described 98% of married men out there, IMHO) and that automatically meaning unhappy marriages. Hiding money and finding a good attorney. Shoot man...what if your sex life is exhaustingly-frequent and exasperatingly-satisfying...but your wife can't count to five without a calculator or taking off her socks? Uses drugs or alcohol to the point where it interferes with her ability to be an effective parent or income-generator? How she can't walk into a mall without coming home with $200-$300 in useless #### you don't need? But you've got a happy marriage because she ROCKS in the sack, right?! According to Frostillicus, apparently so.My sex life with my wife is underwhelming. Underwhelming might even be an understatement...though I will say it has improved as our kids have gotten older. But she is a fantastic mom! She toes the line on our family budget, and is the opposite of women who need to have 400% more clothes/shoes than they can possibly wear more than 10-15 times/year. She is a fantastic daughter-in-law to my mother, who went through a very rough divorce with my dad a few years after losing her parents. Has one of the biggest hearts you will find in our community...and will lend a helping hand to those in need until it hurts! Though according to Frostillicus, I should kick my wife to the curb because my wife's libido doesn't come close to keeping up with mine. Honestly, that sounds like either some kid talking...someone who doesn't understand what it is really like out there for millions of us men (with kids, in particular) ...or someone who "over-values" sex, if that is even possible as a man (lol).

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

So your wife makes your kids, your mom, and your community happy. What does she do for datonn? When you decided to marry her, wasn't it for what she did for/how she mad YOU feel?

She makes the kids happy. That's really all that matters.

 

[AAABatteries]

It's almost like all of you are married to different women and in different situations.

 

[belljr]

I guess my wife is lacking because if I had my way it would be twice a day evryday. :horndog:

 

[datonn]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

It's interesting. How Frostillicus makes the leap from "not enough sex" or "not as much sex as one might prefer" ( <-- I basically just described 98% of married men out there, IMHO) and that automatically meaning unhappy marriages. Hiding money and finding a good attorney. Shoot man...what if your sex life is exhaustingly-frequent and exasperatingly-satisfying...but your wife can't count to five without a calculator or taking off her socks? Uses drugs or alcohol to the point where it interferes with her ability to be an effective parent or income-generator? How she can't walk into a mall without coming home with $200-$300 in useless #### you don't need? But you've got a happy marriage because she ROCKS in the sack, right?! According to Frostillicus, apparently so.

My sex life with my wife is underwhelming. Underwhelming might even be an understatement...though I will say it has improved as our kids have gotten older. But she is a fantastic mom! She toes the line on our family budget, and is the opposite of women who need to have 400% more clothes/shoes than they can possibly wear more than 10-15 times/year. She is a fantastic daughter-in-law to my mother, who went through a very rough divorce with my dad a few years after losing her parents. Has one of the biggest hearts you will find in our community...and will lend a helping hand to those in need until it hurts! Though according to Frostillicus, I should kick my wife to the curb because my wife's libido doesn't come close to keeping up with mine. Honestly, that sounds like either some kid talking...someone who doesn't understand what it is really like out there for millions of us men (with kids, in particular) ...or someone who "over-values" sex, if that is even possible as a man (lol).

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

So your wife makes your kids, your mom, and your community happy. What does she do for datonn? When you decided to marry her, wasn't it for what she did for/how she made YOU feel?

Um...she makes my kids, my mom happy...and makes my community a better place to live?! Which makes me happy...or at least makes my life ten-times easier than the alternative?! Does that mean she bats 1.000? Nope. But she adds more positives to my life than she introduces negatives. IMO.

I know what you're saying. The 20-something me is right there beating that drum along with you. But it's never been only "me and her." Her mom was in the process of dying from leukemia over the first several years of our marriage...so I always had to "over-share" her with my in-laws and her friends (emotional support), much more than I would have preferred. Not to mention her not exactly feeling "in the mood" after seeing her rock since she was a child slowly lose her fight for life. And after we had kids?! Even when we're empty nesters someday, it STILL won't be "just" me and her...ever again. Even on "date nights" or finding time to fool around, there's always the financial and scheduling issues of being parents that are looming. i.e. We had a date weekend planned last Fall...three days in Wisconsin, where we'd meet up for some R&R after I finished with some presentations for work in SC and KY. But my last night in KY, my wife calls and says that our youngest had a serious emotional episode where she wound-up in the emergency room. And it was the doctor's recommendation that we not leave her in the hands of my mom for those three days until we knew exactly what was happening.

Sooo...would the 20-something shark move have been to tell my wife: "We've been waiting 3-4 months to have this time as a couple. We need it, and unless somebody is dying, we shouldn't cancel/reschedule?!" Or did we make the right call in having me juggle my travel plans to go from KY home three days early while my wife stayed home with our daughters until I could join her?

#### happens. And #### happens FAR more-frequently after becoming parents. Having a strong marriage is the foundation upon which a strong family (and positive role models for your kids) is built upon! But if you don't want to sacrifice a ####-load of quality time as a couple as the result of adding kids to the equation, save yourself the trouble, go in for a vasectomy, and get a pet rock/dog/cat instead. Kids become the center of the universe in most relationships/families. The primary drain on one's finances and discretionary time. The trick is not completely forgetting the reason the two of you hooked-up in the first place. But your QT with your spouse is going to decrease, substantially, after they arrive on the scene.

 

[belljr]

No offense but you don't think every married couple with kids goes through similar stuff? Sure some have tougher times than others but if you both work at it and want it enough you can make things work.

 

[Clown Car]

Really. We have a zillion kids and still have sex a lot. Maybe not as much as he would want, but I'm not a machine. Anyway, your example of traveling and meeting is way too complicated. Why can't you just throw down for 15 minutes before dinner one evening? Or on a leisurely Sunday morning before getting up? It doesn't have to be a big production, just some time to connect. It makes all the other things that come up in marriage bearable, not as horrible, more funny (all the poop), and greater. And her not wanting to is an excuse.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

In all seriousness though, I never said that I think sex isn't awesome. Good LORD I'd have sex a couple times a day if circumstances allowed for it! What I'm saying is that the COSTS of having sex (time, money) start to look awfully steep the older I get. If it was a matter of walking up to my wife and saying"hey, I've got ~90 minutes with nothing to do and the kids aren't home...wanna get naked and have me curl your toes?!" (lol) Let's roll! But that's not how it works in the real world. In the real world, your wife (or S.O.) has a To Do List at work a mile long, has a lunch date planned with a friend, is having her period and just feels unappealing at the moment, is tired/grumpy after your youngest kid woke her up for no good reason at 4:30am (after not getting to sleep until after midnight), is sad because her aunt or one of her best friends is battling breast cancer, is feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in her own skin after adding 5-10 pounds in the past year, is frustrated with you because you were honest about how spending 80% of your precious little free time on the evenings/weekend with her family/friends isn't your idea of a "good time," _________________ (shall I continue?).

Just think about all the time you blow pretending to be interested in listening to how your wife's/S.O.'s friend's sister's co-worker just got some new ______________, or has a boyfriend/husband who is a real piece of work. How much money (aka time to earn said money) you blow on impressing women with the "right" clothes, the "right" car, the "right" career. It is staggering to think of the literally thousands of hours most of us will spend in our lifetimes...just to try and impress/please/pacify women enough for us to get into their pants. I'm not talking about the time we spend "in the act." Shoot...for that?! Long and slow is A-OK by me. I'm talking all the time/money it takes to get to that point.

Datonn dude this isn't how most people live. That's super unhealthy, man.

I agree that it's super unhealthy. 100%. But we'll need to agree to disagree on that being how most people live.

I'm not agreeing to that. In a good marriage sex is easy. Sure you'll have a dry spell here and there but it's never like you described above. That's horrible, dude.

Sure...but think about it. Roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. And of the ~50% that don't? How many might you classify as being "great" or "healthy?" Half? Even if I spotted you half of marriages that don't end in divorce being "good," that's 75% of marriages that aren't. With two-thirds of the ones that aren't ending with the couple parting ways.It's not me trying to get a rise out of people or anything. It's simple facts and math.

So you rationalize that having an unhappy marriage is ok because other people have unhappy marriages?

I won't speak for him but I'll say - children change everything. If you're not putting up with unhappiness if it's there, you're not trying. That just goes with the territory when you have kids. Their needs come first second and third. My needs are irrelevant.

It's interesting. How Frostillicus makes the leap from "not enough sex" or "not as much sex as one might prefer" ( <-- I basically just described 98% of married men out there, IMHO) and that automatically meaning unhappy marriages. Hiding money and finding a good attorney. Shoot man...what if your sex life is exhaustingly-frequent and exasperatingly-satisfying...but your wife can't count to five without a calculator or taking off her socks? Uses drugs or alcohol to the point where it interferes with her ability to be an effective parent or income-generator? How she can't walk into a mall without coming home with $200-$300 in useless #### you don't need? But you've got a happy marriage because she ROCKS in the sack, right?! According to Frostillicus, apparently so.My sex life with my wife is underwhelming. Underwhelming might even be an understatement...though I will say it has improved as our kids have gotten older. But she is a fantastic mom! She toes the line on our family budget, and is the opposite of women who need to have 400% more clothes/shoes than they can possibly wear more than 10-15 times/year. She is a fantastic daughter-in-law to my mother, who went through a very rough divorce with my dad a few years after losing her parents. Has one of the biggest hearts you will find in our community...and will lend a helping hand to those in need until it hurts! Though according to Frostillicus, I should kick my wife to the curb because my wife's libido doesn't come close to keeping up with mine. Honestly, that sounds like either some kid talking...someone who doesn't understand what it is really like out there for millions of us men (with kids, in particular) ...or someone who "over-values" sex, if that is even possible as a man (lol).

Find me a woman who meets/exceeds all of our expectations, needs and desires, and I'll show you:

1. A single man...dating someone relatively new (weeks/months into said relationship), or maybe even having a date with their hand and some women in a magazine or pron site, or

2. A male (not yet a man) who's barely been shaving 2-3 years, or

3. A man currently yachting down de-Nile.

So your wife makes your kids, your mom, and your community happy. What does she do for datonn? When you decided to marry her, wasn't it for what she did for/how she made YOU feel?

Um...she makes my kids, my mom happy...and makes my community a better place to live?! Which makes me happy...or at least makes my life ten-times easier than the alternative?! Does that mean she bats 1.000? Nope. But she adds more positives to my life than she introduces negatives. IMO.I know what you're saying. The 20-something me is right there beating that drum along with you. But it's never been only "me and her." Her mom was in the process of dying from leukemia over the first several years of our marriage...so I always had to "over-share" her with my in-laws and her friends (emotional support), much more than I would have preferred. Not to mention her not exactly feeling "in the mood" after seeing her rock since she was a child slowly lose her fight for life. And after we had kids?! Even when we're empty nesters someday, it STILL won't be "just" me and her...ever again. Even on "date nights" or finding time to fool around, there's always the financial and scheduling issues of being parents that are looming. i.e. We had a date weekend planned last Fall...three days in Wisconsin, where we'd meet up for some R&R after I finished with some presentations for work in SC and KY. But my last night in KY, my wife calls and says that our youngest had a serious emotional episode where she wound-up in the emergency room. And it was the doctor's recommendation that we not leave her in the hands of my mom for those three days until we knew exactly what was happening.

Sooo...would the 20-something shark move have been to tell my wife: "We've been waiting 3-4 months to have this time as a couple. We need it, and unless somebody is dying, we shouldn't cancel/reschedule?!" Or did we make the right call in having me juggle my travel plans to go from KY home three days early while my wife stayed home with our daughters until I could join her?

#### happens. And #### happens FAR more-frequently after becoming parents. Having a strong marriage is the foundation upon which a strong family (and positive role models for your kids) is built upon! But if you don't want to sacrifice a ####-load of quality time as a couple as the result of adding kids to the equation, save yourself the trouble, go in for a vasectomy, and get a pet rock/dog/cat instead. Kids become the center of the universe in most relationships/families. The primary drain on one's finances and discretionary time. The trick is not completely forgetting the reason the two of you hooked-up in the first place. But your QT with your spouse is going to decrease, substantially, after they arrive on the scene.

This is going to sound like an attack and it's really not but it has to be said. You sound like the typical victim of domestic abuse saying that it's your fault.I run my own business. I have kids. I have bills. I have stuff to do around the house. My wife has friends that she spends time with. I have several family members on both sides with cancer or nearing the end of their life. And since the start of this thread we've had sex multiple times. Nothing you say is normal nor healthy. It's victim rationalization.

Stop with the 20 year old you nonsense too. 40 isn't old at all and is no excuse for a sexless marriage.

 

[urbanhack]

This is indeed a fascinating thread. I don't have any answers...only more questions. Relationships are HARD! Raising kids is HARD! Kudos to those of you that are juggling both and keeping all the plates spinning.

My story. First marriage went for almost 13 years and gave me two beautiful children that I love more than anything. That marriage ended 3 years ago due to infidelity - her, not me. I never really considered trying to salvage the marriage "for the kids" because the trust was gone and I didn't think it could be rebuilt anytime soon. It still hasn't been, by the way. She's still a liar, and still with the guy she cheated with. My kids are better off dealing with a split family vs dealing with how unhappy I would have been continuing in that marriage.

I got remarried a year ago to a divorced woman with one child. You think "normal" family life is hard? Try a blended family! It has not worked out at all how I imagined. My kids aren't happy. They don't feel accepted by their new step mom. She doesn't feel accepted by them, and so I end up basically still being a single parent to my kids and constantly playing the middle man trying to diffuse all of the tension. I'm about done! I just hate the idea of failing again and what impact that will have on my kids (and friends, family, etc), but I also hate the current situation and how unhappy everyone is.

If I do divorce again, I swear I'm done with women...at least for awhile. My sex drive has all but disappeared, after raging for the first 40 years of my life. Age is definitely a factor here, as has been discussed already. Maybe I need to check my T levels...

I never understand why people end up getting married a second time so quickly after their first marriage ends.

 

[Cliff Clavin]

Really. We have a zillion kids and still have sex a lot. Maybe not as much as he would want, but I'm not a machine. Anyway, your example of traveling and meeting is way too complicated. Why can't you just throw down for 15 minutes before dinner one evening? Or on a leisurely Sunday morning before getting up? It doesn't have to be a big production, just some time to connect. It makes all the other things that come up in marriage bearable, not as horrible, more funny (all the poop), and greater. And her not wanting to is an excuse.

For as long as it took him to type that post the wife and I could have thrown down at least once.

 

[datonn]

You guys are funny. Maybe you're confusing me with the OP, but who said anything about a "sexless marriage?!" What I said is:

1. I understand where the OP is coming from.
2. The older I've gotten, the less my life/mind has revolved around sex, how to get it, who to get it with, et al. And I'm much happier for it. Less sex than I might prefer...but to you guys, I guess that means a vow of chastity.
3. Men waste SOOOOOO much of their lives (time/money) chasing after sex. When sex, while AWESOME, also comes with its price/consequences/negatives.
4. There is no such thing as the "perfect" marriage/spouse/woman/relationship. Rather, finding (and keeping) someone who adds more to the quality of your life than they take away from it should ultimately be the goal. Nobody's going to bat 1.000! But hopefully you're batting at least .501. Preferably .700-.800.

I almost compare sex to alcohol and drugs, in the sense of it being an "addiction" for some people that slowly envelops and overwhelms other areas of their life. What you'll sacrifice for it. Who you'll run over/through to get it. Etc. Be a fun thing to be addicted to in a lot of ways...don't get me wrong! But if guys could actually stop and think about just how much time/money they spend in pursuit of getting laid, it might surprise them. Not that 98% of them would care, and would still call you for not falling in lock-step with them.

 

[cstu]

This is indeed a fascinating thread. I don't have any answers...only more questions. Relationships are HARD! Raising kids is HARD! Kudos to those of you that are juggling both and keeping all the plates spinning.

My story. First marriage went for almost 13 years and gave me two beautiful children that I love more than anything. That marriage ended 3 years ago due to infidelity - her, not me. I never really considered trying to salvage the marriage "for the kids" because the trust was gone and I didn't think it could be rebuilt anytime soon. It still hasn't been, by the way. She's still a liar, and still with the guy she cheated with. My kids are better off dealing with a split family vs dealing with how unhappy I would have been continuing in that marriage.

I got remarried a year ago to a divorced woman with one child. You think "normal" family life is hard? Try a blended family! It has not worked out at all how I imagined. My kids aren't happy. They don't feel accepted by their new step mom. She doesn't feel accepted by them, and so I end up basically still being a single parent to my kids and constantly playing the middle man trying to diffuse all of the tension. I'm about done! I just hate the idea of failing again and what impact that will have on my kids (and friends, family, etc), but I also hate the current situation and how unhappy everyone is.

If I do divorce again, I swear I'm done with women...at least for awhile. My sex drive has all but disappeared, after raging for the first 40 years of my life. Age is definitely a factor here, as has been discussed already. Maybe I need to check my T levels...

I never understand why people end up getting married a second time so quickly after their first marriage ends.

Especially to a woman with a kid. That screams "I want drama in my life!"

 

[cstu]

datonn, is your wife hot enough that you actually want to have sex with her a lot?

 

[trogg78]

You can get a good dry hump in 5 minutes before a kids bursts in.

 

[Clown Car]

You can finish if you lock the door.

 

[Glass Joe]

You can finish if you lock the door.

My wife thinks quickie sex without wining and dining is not sexy. FML

 

[johnnycakes]

You can finish if you lock the door.

My wife thinks quickie sex without wining and dining is not sexy. FML

Try paying her instead.

 

[TxBuckeye]

You can finish if you lock the door.

My wife thinks quickie sex without wining and dining is not sexy. FML

Try paying her instead.

Pretty sure he just said he does. Or at least she expects him to.

 

[Frostillicus]

I like a woman who just wants to get ####ed because she wants to get ####ed sometimes.

 

[Guest]

Nothing to add other than I can't believe there isn't a reality show based on this situation.

I don't watch reality shows.