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So hungover this morning I accidently wore two different shoes (1 Viewer)

Nugget said:
Not saying that the single mom is a bad choice, but what is the talent level like at the restaurant?  That is where I would start my fishing. 
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There is some serious talent there but the hot ones are college chicks with boyfriends. I get along great with them but I'm the old guy waiter so I'm not pursueing any of that.

 
El Floppo said:
6 more old implies to me: might still be on infant sleep schedule, which is awake a few hours, asleep a few hours. Not mobile- so she could conceivably take this kid anywhere she pleases in a bjorn awake or asleep. As previous poster said, they have their own schedule- eat, poop, pee, sleep... They need help with all of that, so taking it somewhere that will mess with that (anywhere loud and unpredictable) doesn't strike me as a fantastic idea and a bit selfish. Imo and ime, raising these things is exhausting and requires putting your own desires second until they're old enough to help themselves. But if the mom knows the kids schedule and is ready to bail if it clearly isn't working, taking it to fireworks with the three of you on a blanket isn't impossible

Also mentioned... 6mo with father totally out of the picture? Suggests to me dad is a ####berg, and mom... Was involved with and had a kid with a ####berg. So no child support? Nothing?

Lastly... congrats on meeting somebody you like! Hearing you use the word"dating" struck me as odd because you hadn't posted about her before... so from the FFA experience it comes across as you having only just meet her. But you obviously have a life outside of here..  I think... and must have spent a lot of time getting to know her to feel this way.
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I didn't post about it sooner for reasons that the responses have made obvious.

 
Galileo said:
Dude... those are powerful words.  Is it love or is it the idea of being in love?  I don't care how many hours you have spent on the phone.  You do not know this woman yet.  You haven't even  been able to coordinate schedules well enough to get together...stop talking about LOVE.

Yes... you need some stability and to figure out life for yourself first.  Insta-family complicates this tremendously.  Go slow...enjoy yourself...but save the dad and family man stuff for much further down the road.  It will be a disaster for all involved (including the child) if you aren't first able to manage your own responsibilities.
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I've become responsible recently and I've discussed all my concerns with her. How will I know if I'm ready or not unless I try?

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
A bit more on the nose, but yeah. There's nothing wrong with Rok having a paternal instinct and who knows? Maybe this is the moment/opportunity that helps him "grow up," if that's what he wants. However, it could easily be two people with voids in their lives rushing headlong into something they both believe will fill those voids without focusing on what's really important if it's going to be a long-lasting and meaningful relationship - compatibility, genuine affection, etc. 

I'm sure this isn't what Rok wants hear, he probably wants people to just root him on and tell him it's a great idea. And maybe it is, none of us know this woman (or even Rok) at all. However, those are really trying to help here have the benefit of something he can't have - objectivity. That and a healthy dose of pragmatism may not make beautiful music to his ears, but it could just help him avoid disaster if he simply exercises perspicacious judgment rather than barreling forward blindly. 
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What's with the big words college boy?

 
Ditkaless Wonders said:
See its not just that simple.  The support is not owed the woman, it is owed the child.  If the child runs across the system anytime between now and its 18th B-day, which we all do from time to time, the system may pursue the child's rights.  This has a way of getting the mom and dad back in touch, whether they seek it or not.

Also, you are trusting that this woman who you have never met is telling you the whole and objective truth.  She may even be trying and may be sincere in her statements, but she may not be objective, and she may be a bit self-deluded.  That's not a crack, it is just true of all of us.

Regardless, no reason to not have a pleasant encounter.  Just take things as they come and with a grain of salt.
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I don't want to get in to too much of her situation but I can say very confidently she's not lying to me. And I wouldn't feel this way unless she was different than other women.

 
Here's a tale.

A young and inexperienced bird starts its migration late and gets caught in an ice and snow storm.  It falls, half frozen from its perch.  It starts chirping for help.  The first thing to hear its pleas is a cow.  The cow investigates, sees the situation, and remedies it with the only tools at its command, it takes a steaming dump on the bird covering it right up to its beak.

 At first the bird is grateful.  It is warming up and it is feeling stronger.  Feeling stronger it decides it maybe does not need to be covered in scat, but it is stuck.  It pleas for help, this time stronger and louder, being in somewhat better shape having warmed.  The calls are heard by a fox some greater distance off than the cow.  It comes running.  It looks at the situation, uses its mouth to pluck the bird from the scat pile, rolls it in the now accumulating snow to clean it off, and then swallows it whole.

The moral of the story?  In life, not all who dump on you are trying to hurt you.  Not all who appear to be helping you out of a mess are actually helping.  Finally, when up to your nose in ####, keep your mouth shut.

Enjoy your 4th.

 
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Ditkaless Wonders said:
Here's a tail.

A young and inexperienced bird starts its migration late and gets caught in an ice and snow storm.  It falls, half frozen from its perch.  It starts chirping for help.  The first thing to hear its pleas is a cow.  The cow investigates, sees the situation, and remedies it with the only tools at its command, it takes a steaming dump on the bird covering it right up to its beak.

 At first the bird is grateful.  It is warming up and it is feeling stronger.  Feeling stronger it decides it maybe does not need to be covered in scat, but it is stuck.  It pleas for help, this time stronger and louder, being in somewhat better shape having warmed.  The calls are heard by a fox some greater distance off than the cow.  It comes running.  It looks at the situation, uses its mouth to pluck the bird from the scat pile, rolls it in the now accumulating snow to clean it off, and then swallows it whole.

The moral of the story?  In life, not all who dump on you are trying to hurt you, they may even be helping.  Not all who appear to be helping you out of a mess are actually helping, they may be hurting you.  Finally, when up to your nose in ####, keep your mouth shut.

Enjoy your 4th.
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This should be embroidered on a pillow.

 
RokNRole said:
I don't want to get in to too much of her situation but I can say very confidently she's not lying to me. And I wouldn't feel this way unless she was different than other women.
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Well you must be better at judging woman than me.  I've occasionally (read almost always) been subject to being fooled by them.  There is in fact a direct correlation between the full, round, firmness of their butts and my ability to be fooled. 

 
RokNRole said:
Just got clarification that the baby isn't coming with us to watch the fireworks. I misunderstood
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That is significantly less of a red flag. 

No single mother should be introducing you to her kid until she's decided you're father material. 

 
Ditkaless Wonders said:
Well you must be better at judging woman than me.  I've occasionally (read almost always) been subject to being fooled by them.  There is in fact a direct correlation between the full, round, firmness of their butts and my ability to be fooled. 
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I will admit that in my younger years it was often the petite, pert firmness of their butts but my tastes have changed with the times. 

 
This paternal thing isn't new to me. I always wNted a family since I was young but my life went off the rails. I've met hot single moms before that liked me but I didn't pursue it because I knew I wasn't in the place that they needed.

i feel different now. Even though my life is far from perfect I feel ready inside.

 
You should check on local customs.  In some locales it is customary for the man to pay for the babysitter when he takes a single mother out for the evening.

 
take her out to panera one they will probably remember you from your interviews there and if one of the pimplefaces at the counter says hello mr rnr you will seem like a big shot and she will respect you two panera french onion soup may be one of the universes best dishes so now imagine this you walk up pimpleface says hello mr rnr and then you say the lady will have french onion and at first she is taken aback but then she eats it and it blows her taste mind and she will be thinking he is a big shot he took charge and ordered for me and the food was unbelievable that my friend is how you say in english sealing the deal and you are welcome in advance take that to the bank brochacho 

 
Henry Ford said:
That is significantly less of a red flag. 

No single mother should be introducing you to her kid until she's decided you're father material. 
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It wasn't the plan initially but we had difficulty finding time to get together so I said I was ok with meeting him. I guess she thought better of it.

 
RokNRole said:
She doesn't drink which is a good thing and good for me to spend time with someone that doesn't.
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Definitely. Also, don't get defensive, no one here is telling you not to pursue a relationship with this woman, just to ease into it instead of diving head first. There's a lot going on here and people don't want to see you get hurt. 

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
Definitely. Also, don't get defensive, no one here is telling you not to pursue a relationship with this woman, just to ease into it instead of diving head first. There's a lot going on here and people don't want to see you get hurt. 
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I'm not feeling defensive lol. I'm taking the replies with a grain of salt too.

 
Zow said:
I'm not suggesting that the bolded is completely untrue in your case, but I'd note that in my experience doing family law that the bolded is often stated by a particularly party when it actually isn't even true or isn't true for the reasons that the speaker is providing. 
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:yes:  most of us assume the guy was just a jackass when he left.  He might be, probably is, but perhaps she is part of the reason it didn't work out.  

RokNRole said:
If I want to I can handle almost anything.
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That's the key though, will you want to a year from now?  

Apple Jack said:
A woman who is "different." Ha. You kids are cute.
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Some women are different.  But I sure as hell didn't know that before meeting them. 

 
Evilgrin 72 said:
Definitely. Also, don't get defensive, no one here is telling you not to pursue a relationship with this woman, just to ease into it instead of diving head first. There's a lot going on here and people don't want to see you get hurt. 
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Right.  We are however strongly encouraging starting the relationship with her and not the 6 month old yet. 

 
RokNRole said:
They are a package deal. Why can't I be excited about both of them?
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Because it's severely damaging for young children to be involved in their parents' relationships if those relationships don't work out.  So being involved in the kids' life off the bat is a terrible idea.

 
-OZ- said:
:yes:  most of us assume the guy was just a jackass when he left.  He might be, probably is, but perhaps she is part of the reason it didn't work out.  

That's the key though, will you want to a year from now?  

Some women are different.  But I sure as hell didn't know that before meeting them. 
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The father was a casual friend. They had a one night stand and she got pregnant. He didn't want kids and wanted her to get an abortion. She refused and told him he doesn't have to be around if he doesn't want to.

Do any of us know how we will feel about life a year from now? I sure don't.

Weve had a lot of deep conversations so yes you can get to know someone pretty before meeting in person.

 
-OZ- said:
:yes:  most of us assume the guy was just a jackass when he left.  He might be, probably is, but perhaps she is part of the reason it didn't work out.  
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It's not even just that.  There are many cases of parental alienation where the offending parent explains it away as a situation of abandonment when it's arguably not the case.  Further, in almost any messy custody situation, there are three sides to any story: parent A's, parent B's, and the truth.  

Again, I'm not at all saying this girl is lying.  There are plenty of guys out there who, unfortunately, abandon their kids with the hope of not being locked into paying support.  But, there are many situations where such may be the reported case but isn't the case at all.  Additionally, the lack of any sort of court intervention/order would make me skeptical for several reasons.  

 
Zow said:
It's not even just that.  There are many cases of parental alienation where the offending parent explains it away as a situation of abandonment when it's arguably not the case.  Further, in almost any messy custody situation, there are three sides to any story: parent A's, parent B's, and the truth.  

Again, I'm not at all saying this girl is lying.  There are plenty of guys out there who, unfortunately, abandon their kids with the hope of not being locked into paying support.  But, there are many situations where such may be the reported case but isn't the case at all.  Additionally, the lack of any sort of court intervention/order would make me skeptical for several reasons.  
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Not all people feel the need to get a court involved.

 
Henry Ford said:
Because it's severely damaging for young children to be involved in their parents' relationships if those relationships don't work out.  So being involved in the kids' life off the bat is a terrible idea.
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We had a former local family court judge who had an unwritten rule/policy that any introduction of a new significant other within the first six months of dating was contrary to the best interests of the children. 

 
She's got a great job and a large family that helps her. Maybe she really didn't need the guys help if he didn't want to be there. That's probably healthier all around for everyone.

 
RokNRole said:
She's got a great job and a large family that helps her. Maybe she really didn't need the guys help if he didn't want to be there. That's probably healthier all around for everyone.
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That's great. Then she has family who will take care of her child while she's on a date.  And you can meet and impress them before you meet her kid, and understand how/whether you'd fit into the family.

 
Zow said:
We had a former local family court judge who had an unwritten rule/policy that any introduction of a new significant other within the first six months of dating was contrary to the best interests of the children. 
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I'd be on board with that rule.

 
Henry Ford said:
Because it's severely damaging for young children to be involved in their parents' relationships if those relationships don't work out.  So being involved in the kids' life off the bat is a terrible idea.
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RokNRole said:
I don't see how it's avoidable though.
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It is avoidable at the beginning of the relationship.  When I dated single moms, the kids were kept out of the picture. Only after you dated awhile and had a relationship were the kids introduced.  The good thing in this situation is the kid is only 6 months old.  As the kid gets older, how do you think he will feel about possibly having a daddy?  You want that pressure on the mom?  You want to break the kids heart and the moms heart?  Just take it slow.  But, show the lady a great time.  And, you have a great time too. 

 
RokNRole said:
Not all people feel the need to get a court involved.
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Sure.  But in a case of actual abandonment, at least in my jurisdiction, generally doing so is usually both wise and in the child's best interests.   So, in some circumstances, it's arguable that someone who didn't feel the need to involve the court is making a poor decision. :shrug:

And, again, before you get upset, I'm NOT saying that your date makes bad decisions, is alienating the father, etc.  It's just that there is usually more to most custodial situations and what one party is reporting is often if not always not the complete and accurate truth. Accordingly, consistent with what everybody else is telling you, you should tread lightly and move slowly in such a situation -- if just for the sake of the child. 

 
RokNRole said:
They are a package deal. Why can't I be excited about both of them?
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RokNRole said:
The father was a casual friend. They had a one night stand and she got pregnant. He didn't want kids and wanted her to get an abortion. She refused and told him he doesn't have to be around if he doesn't want to.

Do any of us know how we will feel about life a year from now? I sure don't.

Weve had a lot of deep conversations so yes you can get to know someone pretty before meeting in person.
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If you don't have a really good idea of how you'll feel in a year don't get into a family type relationship with a kid. 

To answer your "question" yes. I do. 

 
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RokNRole said:
The father was a casual friend. They had a one night stand and she got pregnant. He didn't want kids and wanted her to get an abortion. She refused and told him he doesn't have to be around if he doesn't want to.

Do any of us know how we will feel about life a year from now? I sure don't.

Weve had a lot of deep conversations so yes you can get to know someone pretty before meeting in person.
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Yes. The older you get the more you figure it out. 

 
Zow said:
We had a former local family court judge who had an unwritten rule/policy that any introduction of a new significant other within the first six months of dating was contrary to the best interests of the children. 
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Maybe not everyone is like the people you see in family court.

 
Henry Ford said:
That's great. Then she has family who will take care of her child while she's on a date.  And you can meet and impress them before you meet her kid, and understand how/whether you'd fit into the family.
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They are baptists. We've already discussed it and I understand they won't like me any time soon.

Shes not a baptist BTW

 
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