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The Adoption Files: make way for little hags (1 Viewer)

hagmania

hagmania

Footballguy
Hey everyone! Been a minute.

I'll just cut to the chase: after many years of discussion and preparation, mrs. hags and I are officially filling out the government paperwork to start the adoption process. I figured I'd keep you all apprised as a way to keep a journal for myself.

I can't promise this will be super regularly updated, but I do want to try. Feel free to ask any questions; I'll answer what I find interesting as I have the time.

Our only filters at the moment:
Domestic adoption
Newborn
No substance abuse from the birth mother
 
Always the number one question: Why adopt?

The answer is we are medically unable to bear children naturally. And that medical diagnosis is on myself. Male infertility accounts for about 7% of the population, and about 40% of infertility in adoption couples.

It actually works out great for mrs. hags - she was fairly adamant in not wanting to go through the childbearing process in the first place. It was a place for us to connect early in our relationship and we've been together for a long time: 16 years total, almost 10 of that married now. :)

I think what broke through as "it's time" has been the introduction of two nephews in mrs. hags' life - she has started to experience the joy of new humans as much as I always have.

All that to say, I've wanted to be a parent for a long time, and now mrs. hags is on the same page. It's time to adopt!
 
hagmania said:
Always the number one question: Why adopt?

The answer is we are medically unable to bear children naturally. And that medical diagnosis is on myself. Male infertility accounts for about 7% of the population, and about 40% of infertility in adoption couples.

It actually works out great for mrs. hags - she was fairly adamant in not wanting to go through the childbearing process in the first place. It was a place for us to connect early in our relationship and we've been together for a long time: 16 years total, almost 10 of that married now. :)

I think what broke through as "it's time" has been the introduction of two nephews in mrs. hags' life - she has started to experience the joy of new humans as much as I always have.

All that to say, I've wanted to be a parent for a long time, and now mrs. hags is on the same page. It's time to adopt!
Click to expand...
How old are you & mrs hags?
 
Uruk-Hai said:
hagmania said:
Always the number one question: Why adopt?

The answer is we are medically unable to bear children naturally. And that medical diagnosis is on myself. Male infertility accounts for about 7% of the population, and about 40% of infertility in adoption couples.

It actually works out great for mrs. hags - she was fairly adamant in not wanting to go through the childbearing process in the first place. It was a place for us to connect early in our relationship and we've been together for a long time: 16 years total, almost 10 of that married now. :)

I think what broke through as "it's time" has been the introduction of two nephews in mrs. hags' life - she has started to experience the joy of new humans as much as I always have.

All that to say, I've wanted to be a parent for a long time, and now mrs. hags is on the same page. It's time to adopt!
Click to expand...
How old are you & mrs hags?
Click to expand...
38 and 37

This was also part of "it's time" - we're getting fn old.
 
Welcome to parenthood Mr and Mrs Hags! It's an awesome journey and probably the most love filled adventure you guys will ever experience. As an adoptive dad myself I can share that the bond is just as strong as if you two borned the kid yourself. Hug your child, love your child, grow with your child and just enjoy every moment you can especially when he/she is young, You never get those moments back.

Oh yeah, ex and I were 35ish when we did the deed so you're in a perfect spot of energy and wisdom.
 
dutch said:
Welcome to parenthood Mr and Mrs Hags! It's an awesome journey and probably the most love filled adventure you guys will ever experience. As an adoptive dad myself I can share that the bond is just as strong as if you two borned the kid yourself. Hug your child, love your child, grow with your child and just enjoy every moment you can especially when he/she is young, You never get those moments back.

Oh yeah, ex and I were 35ish when we did the deed so you're in a perfect spot of energy and wisdom.
Click to expand...
We had been building up to committing a couple of years ago even, and then our first nephew was born. I thought I'd let mrs. hags enjoy the youngling and let this simmer for just a couple years more. Then I had my weight loss surgery (which is still going fantastic) and I got healthy to show a commitment to our future.


Annnnnnd then my shoulder started hurting because poor me would "sleep on it wrong" - that was the kicker to be like ok we need to do this now or never.
 
Just wait til you start coaching little league, going on campouts, showing up for surprise lunch dates at school, doing a family movie night and making homemade pizza.

God I miss those days.
 
hagmania said:
Hey everyone! Been a minute.

I'll just cut to the chase: after many years of discussion and preparation, mrs. hags and I are officially filling out the government paperwork to start the adoption process. I figured I'd keep you all apprised as a way to keep a journal for myself.

I can't promise this will be super regularly updated, but I do want to try. Feel free to ask any questions; I'll answer what I find interesting as I have the time.

Our only filters at the moment:
Domestic adoption
Newborn
No substance abuse from the birth mother
Click to expand...
Hags, first kudos to you and your wife for going this route. My wife and I did the same and now have 4 kids through adoption after the IVF process didn't work for us. Let me know if you have any questions or want to talk through anyway.

That said, while you indicate that you "only" have a few filters, the bold are - assuming you're going through the foster to adopt process - very likely going to significantly reduce your chances. In other words, you're essentially looking for the golden unicorn of state-arranged adoptions that everyone else will be and I fear your odds of success will be quite small with these parameters.

Were you thinking more along the lines of going through a private adoption with somebody like Catholic Charities to effectively "buy" the golden unicorn you are apparently seeking? I believe private adoptions are ~$30k through organizations like Catholic Charities.
 
hagmania said:
Always the number one question: Why adopt?

The answer is we are medically unable to bear children naturally. And that medical diagnosis is on myself. Male infertility accounts for about 7% of the population, and about 40% of infertility in adoption couples.

It actually works out great for mrs. hags - she was fairly adamant in not wanting to go through the childbearing process in the first place. It was a place for us to connect early in our relationship and we've been together for a long time: 16 years total, almost 10 of that married now. :)

I think what broke through as "it's time" has been the introduction of two nephews in mrs. hags' life - she has started to experience the joy of new humans as much as I always have.

All that to say, I've wanted to be a parent for a long time, and now mrs. hags is on the same page. It's time to adopt!
Click to expand...
A good friend of mine and his wife announced they were adopting because they were unable to have children of their own.
They were going to another city to pick up their new son and we went out a few days before for drinks to celebrate.
He was telling me what a good friend I was and I was their only friend that didn't ask whether it was him or his wife that was the reason they couldn't have kids. I was shocked. It wasn't any of my business and I saw no reason to ask.

Before my wife and I had our first child we were having trouble conceiving. We went to see her Doctor and she suggested we both undergo fertility tests. After we went for tests, we went back to see the Dr. She said my results looked great, so "I was off the hook and my wife was the culprit". I look at my wife and she is doing everything she can to not burst into tears. Some Doctors have zero bedside manner.
 
Zow said:
hagmania said:
Hey everyone! Been a minute.

I'll just cut to the chase: after many years of discussion and preparation, mrs. hags and I are officially filling out the government paperwork to start the adoption process. I figured I'd keep you all apprised as a way to keep a journal for myself.

I can't promise this will be super regularly updated, but I do want to try. Feel free to ask any questions; I'll answer what I find interesting as I have the time.

Our only filters at the moment:
Domestic adoption
Newborn
No substance abuse from the birth mother
Click to expand...
Hags, first kudos to you and your wife for going this route. My wife and I did the same and now have 4 kids through adoption after the IVF process didn't work for us. Let me know if you have any questions or want to talk through anyway.

That said, while you indicate that you "only" have a few filters, the bold are - assuming you're going through the foster to adopt process - very likely going to significantly reduce your chances. In other words, you're essentially looking for the golden unicorn of state-arranged adoptions that everyone else will be and I fear your odds of success will be quite small with these parameters.

Were you thinking more along the lines of going through a private adoption with somebody like Catholic Charities to effectively "buy" the golden unicorn you are apparently seeking? I believe private adoptions are ~$30k through organizations like Catholic Charities.
Click to expand...
Yes, we realize we're looking extremely narrow and in effect we're looking to purchase a human. It took us a while to discuss our options of fostering versus private adoption. In the end, we decided we have the patience to start narrow and broaden our umbrella as time goes on.

We've debated the ethics of all this a lot. Our conclusion is that it's our life and our choice and if we look in the right places we will find the need to fulfill.
 
hagmania said:
Zow said:
hagmania said:
Hey everyone! Been a minute.

I'll just cut to the chase: after many years of discussion and preparation, mrs. hags and I are officially filling out the government paperwork to start the adoption process. I figured I'd keep you all apprised as a way to keep a journal for myself.

I can't promise this will be super regularly updated, but I do want to try. Feel free to ask any questions; I'll answer what I find interesting as I have the time.

Our only filters at the moment:
Domestic adoption
Newborn
No substance abuse from the birth mother
Click to expand...
Hags, first kudos to you and your wife for going this route. My wife and I did the same and now have 4 kids through adoption after the IVF process didn't work for us. Let me know if you have any questions or want to talk through anyway.

That said, while you indicate that you "only" have a few filters, the bold are - assuming you're going through the foster to adopt process - very likely going to significantly reduce your chances. In other words, you're essentially looking for the golden unicorn of state-arranged adoptions that everyone else will be and I fear your odds of success will be quite small with these parameters.

Were you thinking more along the lines of going through a private adoption with somebody like Catholic Charities to effectively "buy" the golden unicorn you are apparently seeking? I believe private adoptions are ~$30k through organizations like Catholic Charities.
Click to expand...
Yes, we realize we're looking extremely narrow and in effect we're looking to purchase a human. It took us a while to discuss our options of fostering versus private adoption. In the end, we decided we have the patience to start narrow and broaden our umbrella as time goes on.

We've debated the ethics of all this a lot. Our conclusion is that it's our life and our choice and if we look in the right places we will find the need to fulfill.
Click to expand...
I certainly wish you the best and hope it works out for you.

I'm trying to be a debbie downer to your plans, but I also have some experience with these situations as a lawyer and can say that the factual scenarios giving rise to a newborn without in utero substance exposure are very few and far between. Again, I'm really not trying to be critical of your plan, but I strongly worry that five years will go by and you and your wife don't get a call.

Have you signed up with a foster placement agency? They may be able to provide you more input for your jurisdiction.
 
Zow said:
hagmania said:
Zow said:
hagmania said:
Hey everyone! Been a minute.

I'll just cut to the chase: after many years of discussion and preparation, mrs. hags and I are officially filling out the government paperwork to start the adoption process. I figured I'd keep you all apprised as a way to keep a journal for myself.

I can't promise this will be super regularly updated, but I do want to try. Feel free to ask any questions; I'll answer what I find interesting as I have the time.

Our only filters at the moment:
Domestic adoption
Newborn
No substance abuse from the birth mother
Click to expand...
Hags, first kudos to you and your wife for going this route. My wife and I did the same and now have 4 kids through adoption after the IVF process didn't work for us. Let me know if you have any questions or want to talk through anyway.

That said, while you indicate that you "only" have a few filters, the bold are - assuming you're going through the foster to adopt process - very likely going to significantly reduce your chances. In other words, you're essentially looking for the golden unicorn of state-arranged adoptions that everyone else will be and I fear your odds of success will be quite small with these parameters.

Were you thinking more along the lines of going through a private adoption with somebody like Catholic Charities to effectively "buy" the golden unicorn you are apparently seeking? I believe private adoptions are ~$30k through organizations like Catholic Charities.
Click to expand...
Yes, we realize we're looking extremely narrow and in effect we're looking to purchase a human. It took us a while to discuss our options of fostering versus private adoption. In the end, we decided we have the patience to start narrow and broaden our umbrella as time goes on.

We've debated the ethics of all this a lot. Our conclusion is that it's our life and our choice and if we look in the right places we will find the need to fulfill.
Click to expand...
I certainly wish you the best and hope it works out for you.

I'm trying to be a debbie downer to your plans, but I also have some experience with these situations as a lawyer and can say that the factual scenarios giving rise to a newborn without in utero substance exposure are very few and far between. Again, I'm really not trying to be critical of your plan, but I strongly worry that five years will go by and you and your wife don't get a call.

Have you signed up with a foster placement agency? They may be able to provide you more input for your jurisdiction.
Click to expand...
I don't think you're being negative; you have the wisdom of experience and we have the "anything is possible pie in the sky" mentality as we have just begun our search for a match.

I think the substance issues will be our compromise if our timeline starts to draw out in the years territory. We'll stand fairly firm on domestic newborn.
 
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dutch said:
Always important to have the family medical history if possible, never know when something may come up.
Click to expand...
Congratulations by the way.

Dutch gives some good advice here that I will build on. I don’t know if you have researched closed vs open adoptions. With open adoptions they are generally “contracts of the heart”. You agree on what openness looks like with the birth family and evaluate from there. That way you have an avenue to ask and obtain medical information from the birth family as your child grows and you run into things. Again contract of the heart and birth family relationship becomes unhealthy, you can close down the openess because you are the parent.

I have experience with both open and closed. We have to be honest with ourselves All adoption involves loss. Openness can help with some the healing associated with the loss. Openness can reduce some of that loss in like additional medical information.

Are going through and agency or lawyer?
 
First and foremost, congratulations.

We have a family friend that adopted a newborn that came from a family with substance abuse and she's turned out just fine. Not sure if that gives you any comfort but I think it really depends on the child and what kind of environment you surround them in.

Best of luck... keep us posted. :)
 
hagmania said:
Zow said:
hagmania said:
Hey everyone! Been a minute.

I'll just cut to the chase: after many years of discussion and preparation, mrs. hags and I are officially filling out the government paperwork to start the adoption process. I figured I'd keep you all apprised as a way to keep a journal for myself.

I can't promise this will be super regularly updated, but I do want to try. Feel free to ask any questions; I'll answer what I find interesting as I have the time.

Our only filters at the moment:
Domestic adoption
Newborn
No substance abuse from the birth mother
Click to expand...
Hags, first kudos to you and your wife for going this route. My wife and I did the same and now have 4 kids through adoption after the IVF process didn't work for us. Let me know if you have any questions or want to talk through anyway.

That said, while you indicate that you "only" have a few filters, the bold are - assuming you're going through the foster to adopt process - very likely going to significantly reduce your chances. In other words, you're essentially looking for the golden unicorn of state-arranged adoptions that everyone else will be and I fear your odds of success will be quite small with these parameters.

Were you thinking more along the lines of going through a private adoption with somebody like Catholic Charities to effectively "buy" the golden unicorn you are apparently seeking? I believe private adoptions are ~$30k through organizations like Catholic Charities.
Click to expand...
Yes, we realize we're looking extremely narrow and in effect we're looking to purchase a human. It took us a while to discuss our options of fostering versus private adoption. In the end, we decided we have the patience to start narrow and broaden our umbrella as time goes on.

We've debated the ethics of all this a lot. Our conclusion is that it's our life and our choice and if we look in the right places we will find the need to fulfill.
Click to expand...
Congrats. I think it is a great thing to do. But to your last paragraph there is a whole other viewpoint out there. Stay away from TikTok and certain groups. Can get really negative.
 
Congrats, Hags. Adoption is a wonderful thing, and I hope it works out the best for you. I want to share my experience with my parents adopting my sister when I was young. Before I do I want to point out that I'm not doing it with any judgement about you, your wife, or your decisions and hope this comes off as coming more from a position of providing perspective and not judgement.

For reasons that don't matter to the story, my mom was unable to have any more kids after my brother and I so my parents adopted my little sister.

Her biological father OD'd and died while the birth mother, also a drug addict, was pregnant. Birth mother was also using during pregnancy. By the time she came to live with us, she was 3 years old and had lived in serious neglect in the foster system since the day she was born. She essentially lived 24 hours a day in one of those play pens and had not been taught to walk or talk yet.

There was a lot of work put in by mom, dad, sister, and different therapists but by the time she was 5 she was off to kindergarten like all the other kids. Eventually we found out that she had some learning disabilities but whether this was from her biological parent's drug use, having essentially no development period from 0-3 years old, or just normal genetics is unknown. That said, between the environment my parents provided and the hard work my sister put in, she was able to keep up every step of the way and graduated HS on time with the rest of her peers. If you were to see her today from an outsider's perspective, she's a 100% "normal" human. Knowing her as well as I do, she definitely has some problems with executive functioning and reasoning out long-term consequences, but they are nothing majorly inhibiting to her life.

All that to say that if you don't get your first choice with the filters you've put on, it's not something to despair about. Obviously, this is just one anecdote but I hope it helps. If you ever want me to go into more details or have questions, please feel free to PM me and I'll do my best.
 
Last edited:
Sometimes the drug and alcohol information is self reported by birth mother. You might find that they state they were using weed or alcohol until they found out they were pregnant. No drug test to confirm or deny. Just FYI.
 
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