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The Colonblow Diaries (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Vivian Darkbloom
- Start date
Keerock
Footballguy
Few things I would like to comment on before I leave work and begin my 12 hour drinking binge:1. Whenever I see the word Colonblow my mind registers it as "Cornblow"...why? More importantly, why does Cornblow sound better?2. I really want to hear a "Dumb and Dumber" kind of bowel story. I'm talking something that is so vile I can barely keep from reading your story. 3. Still have no clue why pepper is involved here...4. Why are people wanting him to eat fiber instead? Don't listen to them VD!5. Throw some ex-lax into the mix just for entertainment purposes only.
RoarinSonoran
Footballguy
Third post on page 1.
Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Day 2, 6:45
I'd love to report something, but the truth is, there's not a lot to report.
I'm not sure if I've stopped having cravings or have just resigned myself to a slow, cayenne pepper seasoned death. Either way, there's nothing to see here that there wasn't last night around this time. I took a little less HLT this AM, and the result seems to be less urgency in my flights to the head. This, I regard as a good thing.
The downside to that, of course, is that w/o a constant battle against the screaming runs, this whole enterprise loses a lot of its charm.
Anyway, to the business of today's scientific agenda, as outlined above:
1) Cravings - Yes, I've had fewer. Though urbanhack's spontaneous degeneration into madness around day four doesn't exactly fill me with hope for the future.
2) Daily energy cycle - No real change. I was still up early, still tired around 3, and still back at it full-force come dinner time. The only real change from my normal day-to-day routine is that dinner consisted largely of a squeezed lemon and some goop from a jar, rather than say, penne with sun-dried tomato pesto sauce.
3) Poo - If not as frequent as yesterday, certainly no less loosey goosey. I'm beginning to fear for my hydration. I hop on the throne, do my best Old Faithful impression, then head to the fridge for a big swig of water to stave off dehydration -- which appears to amount to little better than fuel for the diarrheal engine. Nothing to report from a black 'n' gooey standpoint, I fear.
*sigh* Off to "dinner."
I'd love to report something, but the truth is, there's not a lot to report.
I'm not sure if I've stopped having cravings or have just resigned myself to a slow, cayenne pepper seasoned death. Either way, there's nothing to see here that there wasn't last night around this time. I took a little less HLT this AM, and the result seems to be less urgency in my flights to the head. This, I regard as a good thing.
The downside to that, of course, is that w/o a constant battle against the screaming runs, this whole enterprise loses a lot of its charm.
Anyway, to the business of today's scientific agenda, as outlined above:
1) Cravings - Yes, I've had fewer. Though urbanhack's spontaneous degeneration into madness around day four doesn't exactly fill me with hope for the future.
2) Daily energy cycle - No real change. I was still up early, still tired around 3, and still back at it full-force come dinner time. The only real change from my normal day-to-day routine is that dinner consisted largely of a squeezed lemon and some goop from a jar, rather than say, penne with sun-dried tomato pesto sauce.
3) Poo - If not as frequent as yesterday, certainly no less loosey goosey. I'm beginning to fear for my hydration. I hop on the throne, do my best Old Faithful impression, then head to the fridge for a big swig of water to stave off dehydration -- which appears to amount to little better than fuel for the diarrheal engine. Nothing to report from a black 'n' gooey standpoint, I fear.
*sigh* Off to "dinner."
Weapon of Mass Instruction
Watch my feet!
While I sit here and wonder why we haven't heard from VD in 6 hours, I'll share a little story.In the past I could not have possibly conceived that there would be a thread that calls for this story. Well, to my amazement, here it is.Several years ago my wife was having some problems. The plumbing was chronically stopped up. She goes to the Dr. He says they need to do a colonoscopy or sigmoidoscopy -- I forget which, and what the difference is. Anyway, she had to do the "quit eating and drink a 50 gallon drum" of a certain clear liquid laxative to clean out the colon.That night, I accompanied her to the Walgreen store closest to us. She's wandering around picking up a few household items -- kleenex, some ibuprofen, maybe soft drinks, whatever, as she's heading to the pharmacy. All the other stuff is in the shopping cart and she realizes we need toilet paper. Being thrifty, she grabs a 24 pack super saver. She throws this thing up under her arm, walks straight to the pharmacist, and say, "Do you have the gallon size of Colite"?Obviously, words on paper (or a screen in this case) don't convey the humor. Suffice it to say, the mental image of a lady holding a 24 pack of TP and asking for a gallon of colon cleansing laxative brought the house down.Yes, I've reminded her of it many times.
Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Let me tell you this: if I had this whole thing to do over, I'd certainly splurge for a higher grade of TP. I'm a chronic Scottissue guy, and the sandpaper-like quality never really bothered me before. It's amazing what spending the bulk of your waking hours on the john will do for your appreciation of double quilting.
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Fullback Fro
yesno
It's never too late to upgrade my friend. You can go back to the oldstuff when you have a mint colon. WTYA
Legion of Doom
Footballguy
I would try Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Ooh. Aloe and Vitamin E. 
17seconds
root of all aliai
Just don't fall into the Cottonelle trap.I once thought Cottonelle was da bomb- it is the softest. But the major problem with it is that it falls apart. So a week later you clean your bathroom and find little brown balls all over the floor. :X
BTW.. I ordered colonblow today. :11:
more good advice. Not a protein bar variety...just cheap boxes of breakfast bars. I usually have a banana and either an apple or orange throughout the day...so that's 2 servings of fruit although not sure how much fiber is in those. And wife usually has a vegetable side dish at dinner...usually a form of potato (baked, mashed). I only get about 2-3 glasses of water a day, so yeah, maybe that'll help.Wife recently heard of fecal worms or whatever and now she's all worried about me. And after reading this thread, maybe I'm worried about me. And I wonder if Colonblow would helpl
Weapon of Mass Instruction
Watch my feet!
Tell it, brother.My "baby" is almost 4 years old, and we're still keeping them stocked.Nothing beats it.Baby wipes are the key. Our bathroom is always stocked with regular unscented baby wipes. I will use bw the rest of my life. GB a nice cool feeling everytime I clean up.
Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
:takingnotes:Baby wipes are the key. Our bathroom is always stocked with regular unscented baby wipes. I will use bw the rest of my life. GB a nice cool feeling everytime I clean up.
My friends constantly f with me about my addiction to Wet Ones and Gold Bond. Great stuff. I don't poop without em.Baby wipes are the key. Our bathroom is always stocked with regular unscented baby wipes. I will use bw the rest of my life. GB a nice cool feeling everytime I clean up.
Well, we do have 2 bathrooms which eliminates having to wade through the afterstench.Plus I've seen the woman give birth twice -- after that a little poop (or even a big stinky poop) doesn't even phase me.Not only could I NEVER do this with my wife/girlfriend, I can't even imagine what would happen if you both had to go at the same time. Or if you had to go immediately after her and smell the evil that was in her.
:shiver:
Satchel's Cat
Footballguy
Nothing new for you on the extended interval pooping, but the farting problem could be related to the banana. I used to eat one or two a day (they are the perfect food, afterall) and would be dropping bombs all day in rapid sequence. Saw something in the newspaper (slow day in Oregon) that said bananas are big gas producers. Stopped eating them and my wife is much happier to sit near me on the couch. Take it for what it's worth.Oh yeah--VD, you have set yourself apart from the rest of the riff raff known as the FFA. Good luck and keep the quality updates coming.more good advice. Not a protein bar variety...just cheap boxes of breakfast bars. I usually have a banana and either an apple or orange throughout the day...so that's 2 servings of fruit although not sure how much fiber is in those. And wife usually has a vegetable side dish at dinner...usually a form of potato (baked, mashed). I only get about 2-3 glasses of water a day, so yeah, maybe that'll help.
Wife recently heard of fecal worms or whatever and now she's all worried about me. And after reading this thread, maybe I'm worried about me. And I wonder if Colonblow would helpl
The Mango Man
Footballguy
trout,what you need to do is replace that breakfast bar with a bowl of Kashi Go Lean cereal every morning. I used to be a 2-3 times a week loaf pincher myself. But since I started to eat Kashi for breakfast religiously I definitly drop a load once a day now. Granted the stuff doesnt taste like fruity pebbles or anything but it is tolerable at first and after a week you wont even miss your breakfast bars.back to waiting for another VD report...........more good advice. Not a protein bar variety...just cheap boxes of breakfast bars. I usually have a banana and either an apple or orange throughout the day...so that's 2 servings of fruit although not sure how much fiber is in those. And wife usually has a vegetable side dish at dinner...usually a form of potato (baked, mashed). I only get about 2-3 glasses of water a day, so yeah, maybe that'll help.Wife recently heard of fecal worms or whatever and now she's all worried about me. And after reading this thread, maybe I'm worried about me. And I wonder if Colonblow would helpl
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Weapon of Mass Instruction
Watch my feet!
Ok, this "thrill a minute" thread is really slowing down. We are going on 10 hours or so with no posts. We need details, VD, details.
Giant Wooden Badger
the Beav
So, can you flush baby wipes? Now that we have our two sons around, baby wipes are always in abundance around the Badger household.I wouldn't think they would go down as easily as standard two or three ply TP.Baby wipes are the key. Our bathroom is always stocked with regular unscented baby wipes. I will use bw the rest of my life. GB a nice cool feeling everytime I clean up.
bostonfred2
Footballguy
[takingnotes]The process of birth is worse than the smell of 20 year old colon scrapings with worms running through itWell, we do have 2 bathrooms which eliminates having to wade through the afterstench.Plus I've seen the woman give birth twice -- after that a little poop (or even a big stinky poop) doesn't even phase me.
:shiver:
[/takingnotes]
Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Day 3, 9: 45 AMFirst, to address a concern from above: when I go several hours with no updates from, say, nightime one day, till morning the next? That's what we in the colon-cleansing game call "bedtime." This is a period where we close our eyes, fantasize about hot fudge sundaes, and try to maintain the positive thoughts that might keep us from having to leap from bed in the middle of the night to rush to another "cleansing." *shudder* You have my sincerest apologies.
Second, I'm convinced rumors that doing this for any length of time will result in a spiritual and physical renewal of any sort are bunk of the highest order. I awoke this morning feeling like death warmed over. Instead of the hour/hour-and-a-half of productivity I generally like to have in by 9:30, I've spent that time staring blindly ahead like a Pink Floyd fan.
This could just be the day-to-day biorhythmic blahs, but if things don't take an upturn by tomorrow, I'll be cutting this experiment off after my Sunday PM "minimum" date. :(
The considerable charm of having become a human poo fountain is a blessing that I don't think can carry me forward on its own for another week without, say, a hearty infusion of Sicilian style pizza.
I've just had my AM tea -- which I've come to dread. Already my intestines have begun their deep, volcanic rumbling, and I haven't had any lemonade yet.
Mom, if you're reading this, send food.
Your loving son,
Ms. Vivian Darkbloom
Mr. Nasty
Footballguy
The tea works best when taken before you go to sleep at night. When you awake in the AM, the effects of the tea will be apparent and your morning movement will be like clockwork.Trust me, I have done the 10 day Master Cleanser program twice in the past 2 years so I am unfortunately an expert on the ways of "Smooth Move".
Pooch
More Yang than Yin
I have what I think is a pertinent question relating to this thread I haven't seen covered yet. Or if it has I've missed it in all the excitement. Does the molasses, lemonade, cayenne mixture combine or "evolve" into a solid at any time after ingestion? I would think that after 3+ days of laxatives you've probably colonblown all previous foods from your system. Can we infer then, that any solid poo after this period has been dislodged and is "20 yr old fecal matter"? Heck, even 2 month old fecal matter would be good to get rid of. So, VD and Urbanhack, is there anything solid coming out after a few days?
Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Excellent question.There's certainly nothing spewing forth that any normal, non-colon-cleansing person would think of as normal, solid, poo. By the same token, we're not in the realm of pure liquid, either. It's really pretty much like the consistency you'd have if you were suffering from food poisoning or something, but without the ill feeling (psychological illness aside for the moment).
Certainly, after 3 days I'm not unearthing treasures from the Pleistocene or anything, but I concur that things are fluid enough down there that I'm probably pretty well rid of Thursday's lunch by now. So I imagine that what solids are involved at this point are most likely whatever residue is left of 12 tablespoons daily of Grandma's Unsulphured Blackstrap Molasses after the digestive tract has had its fill.
RoarinSonoran
Footballguy
I was present for the birth of my two daughters, and I don't recall any horrible odor. Umm, perhaps your kids came out the wrong hole?!
lol 
General Malaise
Footballguy
This thread should be made into a book. It would make outstanding bathroom reading.Viv, you're in the biz....you should take the highlights of your adventures to a publisher. I haven't laughed this hard or been this intrigued with anything in a long long time.
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
I'm so ashamed. I logged on to the FFA today, with the sole purpose of checking this thread. I have a problem. 
PhalangeBoy
Footballguy
VD, another question for you. I would think that this method is highly explosive. If so, don't you run the risk of hemmorhoids?As for my own cleansing method, I use Metamucil®. I've been using this stuff for a few years now, and I always feel great. It's pure fiber that cleans you out on a daily basis. It tastes like Tang®, although it's gritty, but that's the fiber so deal with it. I have regular monumental bowel movements. Very low maintenance. The loaves come out so clean, it's usually a "one-wiper" just to make sure.A glorious side-effect of this kind of fiber laxative is that it can help you lose weight. If you take a few tablespoons after each meal, the fiber actually traps undigested food (including fats), and passes them undigested. It also makes you feel full so you don't eat as much.
John Maddens Lunchbox
Footballguy
Is there any way the removal of 20 year old fecal matter can be verified?I suggest a visit to the procotologist and a rubber glove to investigate
Mr. Nasty
Footballguy
Funny thing is, if you do this program you will actually have more energy and feel more "alive" than you ever have eating regular food. Sounds really wacky, but the results are undeniable. After about day 3 when you get past the dependance of caffeine, alcohol or whatever and rid your body of toxins, you feel incredible.
IvanKaramazov
Footballguy
I think my body is composed of approximately 40% caffiene and alcohol, with the other 60% being water. If I rid my body of caffiene and alcohol, I would probably die.Thanks but no thanks.Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Day 3, 4:15 PM
I'm writing this specifically to address the above-raised question of explosiveness. In a word: yes. This is not an answer I could have given honestly 24 hours ago, when despite the liquidy nature of things, everything still slid out smooth and entered the bowl easily -- Louganis-like.
Today, though, things have taken a curious turn. For want of a better explanation, pockets of gas seem to have been introduced, somehow. These are not small, garden variety pockets of gas. These are the things of miners' nightmares.
Now under the best of circumstances, when such a gas pocket reaches the end of the line (as it were), the result is a tad more extravagant than simple, benign flatulence. But combine that with a certain bowel looseness brought on by days of liquid-only diet, and the eruption can only be described as malevolent and godless. The sorts of sounds issuing from my heinie are the same sounds that come from that last, dark stall in every Interstate rest stop you've ever been in. The stall everyone glaces at with fear and awe, but none will let their glace remain overlong on. You know what I'm talking about. You hurry about your business and hope to whatever god you believe in that you can zip up and be back in your car and on your way before whoever is in there finishes up.
So, back to the point: yes, explosive. I hadn't really thought about the hemorrhoidal ramifications of that, but thanks for drawing my attention to the possibility.
I'm writing this specifically to address the above-raised question of explosiveness. In a word: yes. This is not an answer I could have given honestly 24 hours ago, when despite the liquidy nature of things, everything still slid out smooth and entered the bowl easily -- Louganis-like.
Today, though, things have taken a curious turn. For want of a better explanation, pockets of gas seem to have been introduced, somehow. These are not small, garden variety pockets of gas. These are the things of miners' nightmares.
Now under the best of circumstances, when such a gas pocket reaches the end of the line (as it were), the result is a tad more extravagant than simple, benign flatulence. But combine that with a certain bowel looseness brought on by days of liquid-only diet, and the eruption can only be described as malevolent and godless. The sorts of sounds issuing from my heinie are the same sounds that come from that last, dark stall in every Interstate rest stop you've ever been in. The stall everyone glaces at with fear and awe, but none will let their glace remain overlong on. You know what I'm talking about. You hurry about your business and hope to whatever god you believe in that you can zip up and be back in your car and on your way before whoever is in there finishes up.
So, back to the point: yes, explosive. I hadn't really thought about the hemorrhoidal ramifications of that, but thanks for drawing my attention to the possibility.
Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Yes, but not in my stool.
VD I really must applaude you. Not only for your courage in undertaking this experiment for the good of the FFA but mostly for your ability to massage the language to make even this subject riveting. Of course the subject matter appeals to the little boy in all of us, nothing like poo.............
Vivian Darkbloom
Footballguy
Tell me about it.
