What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

The Colonblow Diaries (1 Viewer)

Day 1, 1:20 PM

Dear God, I want food. I don't want a lemon and pepper cocktail, and God knows I don't want a bottle of water. I want honest, real, put-it-in-your-mouth-and-chew food.

It's lunchtime of day one, and I'm suffering from the kind of despair I imagine men feel when they've been lost in the wilderness for a week. I had my late-AM constitutional (nothing noteworthy, there, I'm afraid), and IMMEDIATELY afterward, felt like I hadn't eaten since the Reagan era. Hunger hit me like a truck.

So I walk home -- it's just down the street, mind you -- and I'm a little frightened to discover I feel a creeping hatred toward every person with the audacity to be on his lunch break. How dare those men go into a Chinese restaurant? Don't they know I'm living on Colonblow? Those two women, just blithely entering the pizza parlor like it's a free country. I want to smash them.

How in the hell do people do this for 30 days? It's one-o-freaking clock on day one and I'd kill every one of you for a Cheeto.

Can't stay and chat. Have to go drink lemonade. :wall:
Click to expand...
You'll be fine in another 12 hours when your body goes into a catabolic state and starts to consume lean muscle mass as energy. It's also known as starvation mode. When the human body does start to starve, it doesn't get hungry, so you'll feel better.But hey, keep it up, you're doing great!!! :thumbup:

 
FLA\/\/ED!

Good God, man, you better have at LEAST 2 reading options set up in the throne room.

 
Let me tell ya, I just had the most delicious slice of pizza. It was all gooey with cheese, the sauce was sweet and delectable, and the dough was just so darn SOFT. I had to get another slice. And than another.I just feel so full, and so good. Mmmmmmmmm...

 
It's lunchtime of day one, and I'm suffering from the kind of despair I imagine men feel when they've been lost in the wilderness for a week.
Click to expand...
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: I think I would honestly pay for this entertainment :lol: .... GB you Viv.Good Luck, and please dont die without reporting it.
 
Let me tell ya, I just had the most delicious slice of pizza. It was all gooey with cheese, the sauce was sweet and delectable, and the dough was just so darn SOFT. I had to get another slice. And than another.I just feel so full, and so good. Mmmmmmmmm...
Click to expand...
And the cheese will help the decaying red meat you ingest tonight to stick tightly to the wall of your bowel for years to come shielding the delicate walls from assualt by germs. Why anybody would want to give up lining their bowel with red meat, or their lungs with shiny tar for that matter, is beyond me.
 
Day 1, 1:20 PM

Dear God, I want food. I don't want a lemon and pepper cocktail, and God knows I don't want a bottle of water. I want honest, real, put-it-in-your-mouth-and-chew food.

It's lunchtime of day one, and I'm suffering from the kind of despair I imagine men feel when they've been lost in the wilderness for a week. I had my late-AM constitutional (nothing noteworthy, there, I'm afraid), and IMMEDIATELY afterward, felt like I hadn't eaten since the Reagan era. Hunger hit me like a truck.

So I walk home -- it's just down the street, mind you -- and I'm a little frightened to discover I feel a creeping hatred toward every person with the audacity to be on his lunch break. How dare those men go into a Chinese restaurant? Don't they know I'm living on Colonblow? Those two women, just blithely entering the pizza parlor like it's a free country. I want to smash them.

How in the hell do people do this for 30 days? It's one-o-freaking clock on day one and I'd kill every one of you for a Cheeto.

Can't stay and chat. Have to go drink lemonade. :wall:
Click to expand...
I wouldn't get too concerned about this until you become delusional and start going off like a mad lunatic. Not there yet..... keep at it. :thumbup: ;)
 
Day 1, 1:20 PM

Dear God, I want food. I don't want a lemon and pepper cocktail, and God knows I don't want a bottle of water. I want honest, real, put-it-in-your-mouth-and-chew food.

It's lunchtime of day one, and I'm suffering from the kind of despair I imagine men feel when they've been lost in the wilderness for a week. I had my late-AM constitutional (nothing noteworthy, there, I'm afraid), and IMMEDIATELY afterward, felt like I hadn't eaten since the Reagan era. Hunger hit me like a truck.

So I walk home -- it's just down the street, mind you -- and I'm a little frightened to discover I feel a creeping hatred toward every person with the audacity to be on his lunch break. How dare those men go into a Chinese restaurant? Don't they know I'm living on Colonblow? Those two women, just blithely entering the pizza parlor like it's a free country. I want to smash them.

How in the hell do people do this for 30 days? It's one-o-freaking clock on day one and I'd kill every one of you for a Cheeto.

Can't stay and chat. Have to go drink lemonade. :wall:
Click to expand...
keep on the path. the citizens of the FFA are behind you :thumbup:
 
Day 1, 2:30 PM

I'm suddenly feeling a whole lot of gastro-intestinal rumbling. This is accompanied by a larger-than-typical amount of flatulence. Not especially foul-scented flatulence, mind you, but flatulence all the same. I'd have to imagine this would be a poor time to be seated at a booth with me.

Now this is what I got on board for. :thumbup:

Whether this is a direct result of having spent the last 18 or so hours consuming nothing but lemon juice, molasses, and cayenne pepper, or whether it's residual from yesterday's international food-fest, I won't speculate. This is just a heads-up for the G.I. crowd.

Uh oh...BRB.

 
This should be a reality show. Do it kinda like Big Brother (where ten people on the plan live together for the duration), and also have a celebrity version. Perhaps Paris Hilton and her itty-bitty-designer-poop-worms teamed up with <insert your-favorite-big-fat-tub-of-goo-celebrity-cuz-I-can't-think-of-one> and his/her mega-colossal-oh-my-God-WTF-is-that-smell-worms would be a good start. Have only one bathroom in the joint, which mysteriously overflows every so often. A placebo can of air freshener as well (all it sprays is air).I smell Emmy! (well, hopefully that's ALL I'd smell)

 
Day 1, 2:30 PM

I'm suddenly feeling a whole lot of gastro-intestinal rumbling. This is accompanied by a larger-than-typical amount of flatulence. Not especially foul-scented flatulence, mind you, but flatulence all the same. I'd have to imagine this would be a poor time to be seated at a booth with me.

Now this is what I got on board for. :thumbup:

Whether this is a direct result of having spent the last 18 or so hours consuming nothing but lemon juice, molasses, and cayenne pepper, or whether it's residual from yesterday's international food-fest, I won't speculate. This is just a heads-up for the G.I. crowd.

Uh oh...BRB.
Click to expand...
for the love of God, courtesy flush!!!LMFAO :rotflmao:

 
Day 1, 2:40

Well, there was an unexpected surprise. I'm going to go ahead and call that one seriously prodigious poo. A bona fide two-flusher.

For this, I'm giving full credit to Smooth Move herbal laxative tea (henceforth: hlt). For those of you feeling a little bound up lately, I fully endorse this product. These last couple minutes were the toilet equivalent of sliding into a silk slipper, albeit a silk slipper that you're in a desperate hurry to get into, for fear you'll soil it beyond recovery.

 
Day 1, 2:40

Well, there was an unexpected surprise. I'm going to go ahead and call that one seriously prodigious poo. A bona fide two-flusher.

For this, I'm giving full credit to Smooth Move herbal laxative tea (henceforth: hlt). For those of you feeling a little bound up lately, I fully endorse this product. These last couple minutes were the toilet equivalent of sliding into a silk slipper, albeit a silk slipper that you're in a desperate hurry to get into, for fear you'll soil it beyond recovery.
Click to expand...
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: oh christ, i think i just wizzed my pants.

 
I'm going to go ahead and call that one seriously prodigious poo. A bona fide two-flusher.
Click to expand...
:rotflmao: I wish I were at home now so I could laugh out loud rather than sitting here in my cube trying not to make lil' snorting noises as laugh and wipe the tears from my eyes
 
Day 1, 2:40

Well, there was an unexpected surprise. I'm going to go ahead and call that one seriously prodigious poo. A bona fide two-flusher.

For this, I'm giving full credit to Smooth Move herbal laxative tea (henceforth: hlt). For those of you feeling a little bound up lately, I fully endorse this product. These last couple minutes were the toilet equivalent of sliding into a silk slipper, albeit a silk slipper that you're in a desperate hurry to get into, for fear you'll soil it beyond recovery.
Click to expand...
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: oh christ, i think i just wizzed my pants.
Click to expand...
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
 
This is some of the best literary documentation ever put on the world wide web. Between Viv and his epic struggle w/ the worms in his colon, and those 2 kids drinking a keg of Natty, I am STRONGLY thinking of just getting a frig near my desk and not move from the computer for 3 days.GL Viv!!!!!!

 
this is the first sign of a terd honking for the right-of-way
Click to expand...
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Can't...stop....laughing...Memo to self: Read this post the day AFTER your performance evaluation, not the day BEFORE. :wall:
 
So far I see little that could not have been accomplished by Grape Nuts and coffee.I anxiously await reports of when the truly heavy artillary kicks in. I am hoping to see if Viv cam actually put a dent in his porcelein.

 
If this site is to be believed Link, you may be experiencing Detox symptoms when you feel like killing people for Cheetos. Apparently, this is a sign that Things Are Working. :thumbup:

Also of note is an alternative to the thick tea stuff. Chugging a quart of warm water with a bit of sea salt dissolved into it is recommended at that site.

Godspeed to you. I came across another site with :pics: included, and I may not sleep tonight as a result.

 
These last couple minutes were the toilet equivalent of sliding into a silk slipper, albeit a silk slipper that you're in a desperate hurry to get into, for fear you'll soil it beyond recovery.
Click to expand...
Had some "prairie doggin" going on here at work as I tried to contain my laughter after reading this.
 
good lord I almost did a pee and poop combo in my pants while reading this. :whipeawaytearsfromeyes:by the way, why the cayenne pepper? Curious to know its function in this CB process.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
If this site is to be believed Link, you may be experiencing Detox symptoms when you feel like killing people for Cheetos. Apparently, this is a sign that Things Are Working. :thumbup:
Click to expand...
I took a side trip to this site and read this ::
Please believe me when I say that the Master Cleanse by Stanley Burroughs is, in my opinion, the fastest and most effective way to regain your vitality and to feel the joy of living again.
Click to expand...
Isn't it ironic that the way to regain your vitality and joy of living is to spend 10+ days drinking this lemon juice mixture and then pass the most disgusting and revolting series of BMs ever? :o Well duh! After 10+ days of this hell, you're just happy to be off the regimine.
 
If this site is to be believed Link, you may be experiencing Detox symptoms when you feel like killing people for Cheetos. Apparently, this is a sign that Things Are Working. :thumbup: Also of note is an alternative to the thick tea stuff. Chugging a quart of warm water with a bit of sea salt dissolved into it is recommended at that site.Godspeed to you. I came across another site with :pics: included, and I may not sleep tonight as a result.
Click to expand...
This link is a classic read itself:I have grouped the detox symptoms I and others have had into three groups:Cravings — I have only known one or two people to be hungry on this cleanse. Drinking more lemonade or water handles that. I have, however, observed that people on the cleanse crave what they are detoxifying. Proof that this is true is that the cravings usually go away the next morning with bowel movements. You can crave anything when detoxifying, but most likely you will experience cravings for the most toxic foods, such as pizza, hamburgers, barbeque ribs, etc. Tiredness — When your body fights toxins, whether from detoxifying or an infection, it diverts energy into healing and away from the energy you use to work and play. On my first 20 day cleanse, I was not tired except on the fifteenth day. The next morning, I experienced heat in my bowel movements, an indication that acidic toxins were being eliminated. I also lost all sense of tiredness. Irritability — This includes the desire to "just chew something solid." Physical aches, pains, nausea, vomiting, etc. These are the most severe reactions and only occur where a person is severely toxic, only a small percentage of people experience these. Fortunately, these have gone away after only a day or two in every case I have heard about.
 
That link is great. Wow, you mean if you stop eating you might crave food until your body stops being hungry? NO WAY, that's amazing! You mean people suffer from a lack of energy from not eating food? Wow, this guy should win a Nobel Prize for these biological breakthroughs!

 
Is this eligible to become an FFA "Instant Classic" since it started yesterday? Pickles, can we get a ruling?

 
just back from an appt., could not get this thread off my mind. Viv, thanks for the update! Cannot stop laughing thinking about the adventures just around the corner. GB you bro. Best thread ever potential, no doubt. :thumbup:

 
I don't EVEN wanna know how he determined this......................... :shock: :eek:
Click to expand...
I was hoping someone picked this part up....God it's sooo tough from not laughing til I wiz in my pants. Thank God for private offices! :thumbup:
 
WTF? 50 cents per Lemon? you got screwed.

sorry. continue.
Click to expand...
yeah! that's seems like a lot.Do you just cut the lemons in half and then squeeze with all your might?YES what of all the seeds?SEEDLESS LEMONS FROM OKINAWA and do you just heat the water in the microwave?RUBS HIS HANDS REALLY REALLY FAST ON THE CUP and do you have a favorite glass?WINNIE THE POOH BRANDY SNIFTER

Note: I'm asking this of Vivian, and not S-Team, even though I'm quoting S-Team.
Click to expand...
I thought it was sTeam ? Since Viv-Mor needs to conserve all of his energy I'll be answering questions for him.

 
Day 1, 6:30 PM

Is it just me, or does the whole world smell like pizza?

*sigh*

So I'm back home for *ahem* dinner. After perusing the menu, I've decided to go with the colonblow lemonade again. I will say this for the stuff: it doesn't leave me hungry. Going to have my 5th glass of the day, and really, apart from a maniacal craving to stuff pastries down my throat, it leaves me pretty well sated most of the time.

Things have begun to get...how to put this tactfully...a little "loose" in the bowel movement department. Nothing I'd classify as "wormlike," so don't bother getting too excited, but I'm definitely scampering for the toilet with a touch more frequency than I'd prefer. Four times today, already. (Which was actually more like three, plus one I didn't quite finish the first time out.) I think I'll forego the nighttime HLT tonight, for fear I'd wake in a steaming pool of my own filth. Besides, the whole point of the laxative is to make up for the lack of fiber in the lemonade, thus keeping you regular and flushing out the decades-old oddities. Judging by my last six hours, this will not be a problem.

Systems check - 1/22/04

Energy: Normal. Don't feel especially rejuvenated yet; don't feel especially taxed by the whole thing. I suppose since I've hopped off the caffeine train for this experiment, a zero energy gain is actually a slight positive.

Pooper: Outrageous.

Hunger: Some, but manageable.

Irritation: Beginning to wane slightly, but I still wouldn't suggest you walk anywhere near me brandishing a Big Bacon Classic.

 
Great....great stuff!! I am going to go pick up my Burger King and a six pack and will await further installments of this adventure....

 
These posts from VD oddly feel like the astronauts reports from the moon after they emerged from the dark side to reestablish contact with the Earth. Only better.Hang in there VD. If you live through this I'm going next. Have you had to padlock the refrigerator yet ?

 
Supplies Update

A) Ignore everything I said about the total cost of this adventure. I had no conception of how much molasses 2 tbsp actually was, and as it turns out, I'm going to be racking up jars of Grandma's Unsulphured Molasses like Zartan racks up posts. Also, looks like about 3 whole lemons per day.

B) Get the smallest container of cayenne pepper you can find. A very little bit of that goes an awfully long way. The spice-rack friendly jar I've got could fuel Master Cleanser diets for the entire eastern seaboard for the remainder of the year. What's worse is that I want nothing to do with cayenne pepper ever again, once this adventure ends. The man who decided to dry and grind up hot red peppers was a very bad man indeed. I wish him ill.

 
Hang in there VD. If you live through this I'm going next. Have you had to padlock the refrigerator yet ?
Click to expand...
Thanks for asking.Contents of my fridge

1 - half full bottle Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing

1 - unopened half-gallon carton of skim milk, expiration-dated 08-13-2003

1 - open, half-empty, half-gallon carton of skim milk, substantially older

2 - empty pizza boxes

1 - Tupperware container of unknown origin, filled with what appears to be some sort of...casserole? Maybe?

1 - squeeze bottle French's Yellow Mustard

1 - unopened thing of frozen brussels sprouts (origin unknown)

1 - 2 liter bottle of Pepsi (flat)

1 - 2 liter bottle of water (refilled daily)

3 - "large" lemons

Ice

That is all. My refrigerator is not a peril to my emotional well-being during this exercise. I'm a batchelor, and eat out or order in approximately seven days out of each seven. "Cheating," while I'm home at least, is not really an issue.

 
What a difference a day (actually, 22 hours) makes...

Day 0, 9:00 PM ( Yes, day 0 again. :bag: )

I’m too curious to let this go till the AM before at least a taste test.

Day 0, 9:45 PM

I honestly believe half a lemon's juice plus Grandma's Unsulphured Blackstrap Molasses, mixed into water and chilled with a little ice, would make a nice, refreshing summertime beverage. Toss in a little cayenne pepper, though, and it makes for a wild ride.

The overall effect is as if some not-especially-liked frat brother had dropped a dash of tabasco in your lemonade when you weren't looking. Still, the overall taste is tolerable enough that I'm not exactly dreading the experience.

Day 1, 10:00 AM

Put down another CB lemonade, and yes, it still tastes a little funky to me. Not bad, mind you. Just funky.

Day 1, 1:20 PM

Dear God, I want food. I don't want a lemon and pepper cocktail, and God knows I don't want a bottle of water.

Day 1, ~7:00 PM

bookmark

What does the cayenne pepper do?
Click to expand...
It makes the lemonade taste like ####.I want nothing to do with cayenne pepper ever again, once this adventure ends. The man who decided to dry and grind up hot red peppers was a very bad man indeed. I wish him ill.
Click to expand...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Deepster
Attending the Ryder Cup - Tips or advice?
Replies
6
Views
237
TLEF316
TLEF316
dgreen
Gettysburg, PA
Replies
33
Views
566
fatness
fatness
Wingnut
Daniel Day-Lewis is back! The GOAT seeks fourth Oscar for Best Actor in new film Anenome
Replies
0
Views
99
Wingnut
Wingnut

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)
Back
Top