Walking Away From Wedding.... UPDATE post #307 (1 Viewer)

[mr roboto]

I've never understood why people are so surprised at folks getting married quickly into relationship. It's like it's some unbreakable rule that you have to date for 5+ years otherwise you don't know the other person at all. Yet when you look back in history of people that get arrange marriages married after 3,6,9 months and live a full long happy life together. As the length of dating before marriage has increased in this country, so has the divorce rate. I'm not saying that longer dating time equals greater likelihood of divorce, but I certainly don't believe that we are any better at picking our future lifelong partner because we date longer now than we have been in any other point in history. The amount of time you know somebody before you propose them as little bearing on how well the marriage will go. What type of person you and your spouse are in the marriage determines how well the marriage will go.

I don't think people historically had happier marriages. I think divorces were less frequent due to a lot of other factors (the stigma of divorce, the inability of women to earn sufficient income, religious pressures, shorter lifespans, etc.)

fair enough, but the only real data we have her divorce rates. I just believe that that is a modern fallacy that the longer you're with somebody the more you know what they will be like 10 2030 years into the marriage. People change over time it doesn't make any sense.

 

[The Ref]

Don't be wishy-washy and don't second guess yourself. I suggest a visit to the zoo to see what it's like to live in a cage.

This post was way underrated.

 

[Jayrod]

I dated my wife for a year before proposing. I made myself wait a year, but had the ring bought after 9 months.

Been married for 12.5 years now and incredibly happy together. We have both changed a lot and have done it together and have been 100% committed to each other through ups & downs.

It really isn't your spark or connection that makes a marriage work, it is your level of committment and willingness to work at it.

 

[Jayrod]

I've never understood why people are so surprised at folks getting married quickly into relationship. It's like it's some unbreakable rule that you have to date for 5+ years otherwise you don't know the other person at all. Yet when you look back in history of people that get arrange marriages married after 3,6,9 months and live a full long happy life together. As the length of dating before marriage has increased in this country, so has the divorce rate. I'm not saying that longer dating time equals greater likelihood of divorce, but I certainly don't believe that we are any better at picking our future lifelong partner because we date longer now than we have been in any other point in history. The amount of time you know somebody before you propose them as little bearing on how well the marriage will go. What type of person you and your spouse are in the marriage determines how well the marriage will go.

I don't think people historically had happier marriages. I think divorces were less frequent due to a lot of other factors (the stigma of divorce, the inability of women to earn sufficient income, religious pressures, shorter lifespans, etc.)

fair enough, but the only real data we have her divorce rates. I just believe that that is a modern fallacy that the longer you're with somebody the more you know what they will be like 10 2030 years into the marriage. People change over time it doesn't make any sense.

 

[McGarnicle]

I've never understood why people are so surprised at folks getting married quickly into relationship. It's like it's some unbreakable rule that you have to date for 5+ years otherwise you don't know the other person at all. Yet when you look back in history of people that get arrange marriages married after 3,6,9 months and live a full long happy life together. As the length of dating before marriage has increased in this country, so has the divorce rate. I'm not saying that longer dating time equals greater likelihood of divorce, but I certainly don't believe that we are any better at picking our future lifelong partner because we date longer now than we have been in any other point in history. The amount of time you know somebody before you propose them as little bearing on how well the marriage will go. What type of person you and your spouse are in the marriage determines how well the marriage will go.

I don't think people historically had happier marriages. I think divorces were less frequent due to a lot of other factors (the stigma of divorce, the inability of women to earn sufficient income, religious pressures, shorter lifespans, etc.)

It all changed when we came up with the idea that spouses are supposed to be best friends and soulmates.

 

[Jayrod]

I've never understood why people are so surprised at folks getting married quickly into relationship. It's like it's some unbreakable rule that you have to date for 5+ years otherwise you don't know the other person at all. Yet when you look back in history of people that get arrange marriages married after 3,6,9 months and live a full long happy life together. As the length of dating before marriage has increased in this country, so has the divorce rate. I'm not saying that longer dating time equals greater likelihood of divorce, but I certainly don't believe that we are any better at picking our future lifelong partner because we date longer now than we have been in any other point in history. The amount of time you know somebody before you propose them as little bearing on how well the marriage will go. What type of person you and your spouse are in the marriage determines how well the marriage will go.

I don't think people historically had happier marriages. I think divorces were less frequent due to a lot of other factors (the stigma of divorce, the inability of women to earn sufficient income, religious pressures, shorter lifespans, etc.)

It all changed when we came up with the idea that spouses are supposed to be best friends and soulmates.

Good point as well. I am very close to my wife but don't call her my best friend. I also didn't "know she was the one" until several months of dating and there wasn't a love at first sight moment.The hollywood version of love doesn't exist.

 

[shadyridr]

Out of sheer curiosity from a single guy, what's so nuts about marrying a girl after a year?

Are you willing to bet half your income that the girl you've known for less than a year will be the same 5 years down the road, 10 years, 35 years?

But whens the right time? He seems fairly confident she is the one. Sometimes you know right away. I knew with my wife right away and we still waited 5 yrs before I popped the question.

 

[Rick James]

I dated my wife for a year before proposing. I made myself wait a year, but had the ring bought after 9 months.

Been married for 12.5 years now and incredibly happy together. We have both changed a lot and have done it together and have been 100% committed to each other through ups & downs.

It really isn't your spark or connection that makes a marriage work, it is your level of committment and willingness to work at it.

yeah but can you beat her in basketball?

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

I don't disagree with any of the things folks have said in the last few posts. People change a lot during the course of a lifetime, so knowing each other a long time before marriage isn't going to give you perfect information. And some dissatisfaction these days is undoubtedly due to unrealistic expectations about marriage.

 

[Spin]

Out of sheer curiosity from a single guy, what's so nuts about marrying a girl after a year?

Are you willing to bet half your income that the girl you've known for less than a year will be the same 5 years down the road, 10 years, 35 years?

But whens the right time? He seems fairly confident she is the one. Sometimes you know right away. I knew with my wife right away and we still waited 5 yrs before I popped the question.

Maybe I'm just influenced by my own past. I dated a girl for 4 years, and if you would have asked me after the first year if we were going to be married, I would said absolutely, without a doubt. At that point, she was "the one". We lived together for a year or so and everything changed. Maybe if we had gotten married we'd still be together, as divorce is much more difficult then breaking up with a girlfriend, but I'm thankful that we stopped it before it got to that point. We just had different views on life, and that grew more and more apparent as we went through our life together. She was ready to graduate and go back to her hometown and buy a house near her parents etc, I wanted to stay in college a bit more, travel some before I got a full time job. Age has a lot to do with it as well, I was 22 then. Now that I think about it, I would say the age of the individuals probably has a bigger factor in it. If you're younger, you should wait longer.

 

[Jayrod]

I dated my wife for a year before proposing. I made myself wait a year, but had the ring bought after 9 months.

Been married for 12.5 years now and incredibly happy together. We have both changed a lot and have done it together and have been 100% committed to each other through ups & downs.

It really isn't your spark or connection that makes a marriage work, it is your level of committment and willingness to work at it.

yeah but can you beat her in basketball?

Right now? No. I couldn't even beat a 10 year old. Severe sciatica setting in right now and I can barely walk.

When healthy, though? Not a woman in the world I couldn't beat one on one still at 36 years old. (I'm not counting that dude that played at Baylor. He's a beast)

 

[(HULK)]

I've never understood why people are so surprised at folks getting married quickly into relationship. It's like it's some unbreakable rule that you have to date for 5+ years otherwise you don't know the other person at all. Yet when you look back in history of people that get arrange marriages married after 3,6,9 months and live a full long happy life together. As the length of dating before marriage has increased in this country, so has the divorce rate. I'm not saying that longer dating time equals greater likelihood of divorce, but I certainly don't believe that we are any better at picking our future lifelong partner because we date longer now than we have been in any other point in history. The amount of time you know somebody before you propose them as little bearing on how well the marriage will go. What type of person you and your spouse are in the marriage determines how well the marriage will go.

I think something like 80% of marriages that end in divorce had at least one of the following 2 statements as true descriptions of the relationship:

-one or more parties was under the age of 25

-the couple had known each other less than 2 years prior to their marriage

This stat was from the 90s when I was in college, not sure if its still holds, but I would be suprised if it didn't.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

I still want to hear Foos' pump and dump story.

 

[T Bell]

Out of sheer curiosity from a single guy, what's so nuts about marrying a girl after a year?

Are you willing to bet half your income that the girl you've known for less than a year will be the same 5 years down the road, 10 years, 35 years?

Nobody's "the same" over time. That's an extremely naive way of putting it.

The OP has gone through something which was a huge life lesson and has some personal perspective on himself and what he wants that he didn't have before. He's not "the same" either.

I'd trust his judgment after this, and I wish him all the best.

 

[Todem]

Good luck to you man.

I went through something similar when I was 25. I was engaged for almost a year (was with her a total of 2.5 years before the break up) and broke it off. It was a strange time in my life. I felt like I was falling out of love with her for a good 6 months but then my grandfather passed away (1995) and after staying with my grandmother for 3 months to help her get through it (I was extremely close with both my grandparents both of whom were Auschwitz survivors and married for 50 plus years) I came to a crystal clear realization I was not in love with her. I barely spent any time with her for those 3 months and I felt a ton of weight came off my shoudlers. It was an revelation.

I broke it off with her a week after I went back to my condo. She was completely heartbroken. It sucked having to hurt another person who by all means did nothing wrong. I just was not in love with her anymore and felt in the long run...she was not the girl for me.

2 years later I met my now wife of soon to be 15 years (19 years together this year as well) on a totally blind date.

Greatest decision I ever made. I thank god everyday for getting out of that last relationship. I could not be happier.

 

[Todem]

Out of sheer curiosity from a single guy, what's so nuts about marrying a girl after a year?

Are you willing to bet half your income that the girl you've known for less than a year will be the same 5 years down the road, 10 years, 35 years?

But whens the right time? He seems fairly confident she is the one. Sometimes you know right away. I knew with my wife right away and we still waited 5 yrs before I popped the question.

Maybe I'm just influenced by my own past. I dated a girl for 4 years, and if you would have asked me after the first year if we were going to be married, I would said absolutely, without a doubt. At that point, she was "the one". We lived together for a year or so and everything changed. Maybe if we had gotten married we'd still be together, as divorce is much more difficult then breaking up with a girlfriend, but I'm thankful that we stopped it before it got to that point. We just had different views on life, and that grew more and more apparent as we went through our life together. She was ready to graduate and go back to her hometown and buy a house near her parents etc, I wanted to stay in college a bit more, travel some before I got a full time job. Age has a lot to do with it as well, I was 22 then. Now that I think about it, I would say the age of the individuals probably has a bigger factor in it. If you're younger, you should wait longer.

Spin,

Before I proposed to my wife.....I had dated plenty of girls, and was in what I would consider 2 very serious relationships prior to meeting my wife. I was 29 when I got married.

By then I had learned plenty of life lessons, and after being in 2 very serious relationships, plus plenty of other 4-6 month dating types of relationships as well as some fun sowing my oats....I had a clear picture of what I wanted and whom I would be most compatible with.

I knew after 2 months of dating my wife I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It was that easy to know. It all depends on how much life and wisdom you have lived, how much experience you have had with past relationships, and truly knowing yourself that you can easily plunge into a marriage.

It's all relative.

 

[James Daulton]

I've never understood why people are so surprised at folks getting married quickly into relationship. It's like it's some unbreakable rule that you have to date for 5+ years otherwise you don't know the other person at all. Yet when you look back in history of people that get arrange marriages married after 3,6,9 months and live a full long happy life together. As the length of dating before marriage has increased in this country, so has the divorce rate. I'm not saying that longer dating time equals greater likelihood of divorce, but I certainly don't believe that we are any better at picking our future lifelong partner because we date longer now than we have been in any other point in history. The amount of time you know somebody before you propose them as little bearing on how well the marriage will go. What type of person you and your spouse are in the marriage determines how well the marriage will go.

I don't think people historically had happier marriages. I think divorces were less frequent due to a lot of other factors (the stigma of divorce, the inability of women to earn sufficient income, religious pressures, shorter lifespans, etc.)

It all changed when we came up with the idea that spouses are supposed to be best friends and soulmates.

Good point as well. I am very close to my wife but don't call her my best friend. I also didn't "know she was the one" until several months of dating and there wasn't a love at first sight moment.The hollywood version of love doesn't exist.

I'll have to disagree with this. I met my wife at an extremely young age and she gave me butterflys and feelings that no other women has even come close to. We broke up a bunch of times over the years, dated other people, but my feelings for her have never been close to being duplicated with someone else. She's also the person I have the most fun with. Sometimes you get lucky and just match up with someone very well.

 

[humpback]

What's the downside in waiting a bit longer, even if you think you know she's "the one" right away?

Just seems like there's a lot more downside than upside in rushing into things.

 

[Hilts]

What's the upside in waiting? Why wait a year when you can wait five years? Think how much better you'll know the person ten years from now!

 

[McGarnicle]

I've never understood why people are so surprised at folks getting married quickly into relationship. It's like it's some unbreakable rule that you have to date for 5+ years otherwise you don't know the other person at all. Yet when you look back in history of people that get arrange marriages married after 3,6,9 months and live a full long happy life together. As the length of dating before marriage has increased in this country, so has the divorce rate. I'm not saying that longer dating time equals greater likelihood of divorce, but I certainly don't believe that we are any better at picking our future lifelong partner because we date longer now than we have been in any other point in history. The amount of time you know somebody before you propose them as little bearing on how well the marriage will go. What type of person you and your spouse are in the marriage determines how well the marriage will go.

I don't think people historically had happier marriages. I think divorces were less frequent due to a lot of other factors (the stigma of divorce, the inability of women to earn sufficient income, religious pressures, shorter lifespans, etc.)

It all changed when we came up with the idea that spouses are supposed to be best friends and soulmates.

Good point as well. I am very close to my wife but don't call her my best friend. I also didn't "know she was the one" until several months of dating and there wasn't a love at first sight moment.The hollywood version of love doesn't exist.

I'll have to disagree with this. I met my wife at an extremely young age and she gave me butterflys and feelings that no other women has even come close to. We broke up a bunch of times over the years, dated other people, but my feelings for her have never been close to being duplicated with someone else. She's also the person I have the most fun with. Sometimes you get lucky and just match up with someone very well.

That's how it is with my wife and me. I still get excited to do stuff with her, and we laugh hysterically together. She's just fun to hang out with.

I also broke it off with her a few times early on, and still dated other women several months in. I was freaked out that I was jumping in too fast after my broken engagement and didn't want to make a huge mistake. So we didn't end up getting married until 4 years into the relationship. Along the way, I always knew that I wanted to be with her, couldn't imagine breaking it off. That's not to say it's always been easy, but overall I've got it pretty good.

 

[humpback]

What's the upside in waiting? Why wait a year when you can wait five years? Think how much better you'll know the person ten years from now!

I'm shocked you're single.

 

[Patriotsfatboy1]

There is no formula for a happy marriage. It is not how long you have known them for, whether you live together, whether you have the same interests, whether you are best friends and partners. None of that gives you any higher chance of staying happy together (I make that distinction for a reason).

A successful marriage does require some chemistry, some respect, some passion and a whole lot of other things. It definitely takes some effort and a desire to not just bail when things are not going great.

If you had a bad vibe about a pending wedding and you bailed, it is smart. It doesn't get any easier when you have other commitments (house, dog, kids, etc.). Whatever it takes for BOTH of you to feel that you are ready and willing to make that lifelong commitment, then that is all that it takes.

 

[Hilts]

What's the upside in waiting? Why wait a year when you can wait five years? Think how much better you'll know the person ten years from now!

I'm shocked you're single.

It just seems ridiculous so many folks are saying a year is too soon, as though there's some secret magic ratio one should follow. From what I've seen, what works for some doesn't work for others.

 

[Ignoratio Elenchi]

If girl #2 is really "the one" for you, it's unlikely to matter whether you get married now or wait a few years.

If girl #2 isn't really "the one" for you, it makes a big difference whether you get married now or wait a few years.

I don't know any happily married couples who say, "We dated for five years before we got married. It sucks! I really wish we'd gotten married sooner." There's little upside to rushing into a wedding, and significant downside.

Personally, I don't know why anyone ever gets married before living together for at least a year or two. You learn a lot about a person once you're living together that you don't always figure out during the initial dating phase. Better to learn that stuff before you go through with a wedding IMO.

 

[nysportsfan]

What's the downside in waiting a bit longer, even if you think you know she's "the one" right away?

Just seems like there's a lot more downside than upside in rushing into things.

I don't feel rushed at all. Strange to say, but I felt rushed when I proposed to the first one and I was with her for 6 years.

There's not downside, correct, but this is it, no doubt.

 

[culdeus]

Who cares. Marriage is a sham now anyways. Wait time is immaterial. What matters is when you decide to have a kid together. Marriage now just serves as a means to divide assets and helps simplify taxes. You throw a kid in the mix then a divorce can really #### it all up, child support, custody, living arrangements, etc.

Most people co-habitate long before they marry anyways. I just ask what is the real difference there? I'd say there isn't any.

 

[nysportsfan]

Also, to answer the question about the pre-nup issue...she'd be the one paying me if we did split up

 

[humpback]

What's the upside in waiting? Why wait a year when you can wait five years? Think how much better you'll know the person ten years from now!

I'm shocked you're single.

It just seems ridiculous so many folks are saying a year is too soon, as though there's some secret magic ratio one should follow. From what I've seen, what works for some doesn't work for others.

Yeah, I didn't say those things, and you still don't get it. See the post below yours for another way to put it.

 

[Buck Bradcanon]

What culdeus said. Marriage who cares, house who cares. Have a kid? Boom. Locked in.

 

[kentric]

Did you keep in touch with your ex? How is she doing? Did she lose that extra weight she had on after you broke it off?

 

[McGarnicle]

Did you keep in touch with your ex? How is she doing? Did she lose that extra weight she had on after you broke it off?

They always do.

 

[Hilts]

What's the upside in waiting? Why wait a year when you can wait five years? Think how much better you'll know the person ten years from now!

I'm shocked you're single.

It just seems ridiculous so many folks are saying a year is too soon, as though there's some secret magic ratio one should follow. From what I've seen, what works for some doesn't work for others.

Yeah, I didn't say those things, and you still don't get it. See the post below yours for another way to put it.

I never said you did. You made a statement expressing a lack of dismay at me being single. Which didn't really need to be made as it served no real purpose. Nonetheless, I understand your point perfectly.

 

[kentric]

Did you keep in touch with your ex? How is she doing? Did she lose that extra weight she had on after you broke it off?

They always do.

Was dating this woman who had been recently separated. She was awesome in the sack and looked damn good. One day I mentioned that she had something on her ear. It ended up being a beauty mark I hadn't noticed before and she says to me, "This is the first time in five years I've been able to fit into these jeans and you comment on my beauty mark." Didn't last much longer. I saw her like 18 months later and she must have put on 50 pounds.

 

[sbonomo]

Also, to answer the question about the pre-nup issue...she'd be the one paying me if we did split up

first one for love....second one for money!

 

[Spin]

If girl #2 is really "the one" for you, it's unlikely to matter whether you get married now or wait a few years.

If girl #2 isn't really "the one" for you, it makes a big difference whether you get married now or wait a few years.

I don't know any happily married couples who say, "We dated for five years before we got married. It sucks! I really wish we'd gotten married sooner." There's little upside to rushing into a wedding, and significant downside.

Personally, I don't know why anyone ever gets married before living together for at least a year or two. You learn a lot about a person once you're living together that you don't always figure out during the initial dating phase. Better to learn that stuff before you go through with a wedding IMO.

 

[Spin]

Out of sheer curiosity from a single guy, what's so nuts about marrying a girl after a year?

Are you willing to bet half your income that the girl you've known for less than a year will be the same 5 years down the road, 10 years, 35 years?

But whens the right time? He seems fairly confident she is the one. Sometimes you know right away. I knew with my wife right away and we still waited 5 yrs before I popped the question.

Maybe I'm just influenced by my own past. I dated a girl for 4 years, and if you would have asked me after the first year if we were going to be married, I would said absolutely, without a doubt. At that point, she was "the one". We lived together for a year or so and everything changed. Maybe if we had gotten married we'd still be together, as divorce is much more difficult then breaking up with a girlfriend, but I'm thankful that we stopped it before it got to that point. We just had different views on life, and that grew more and more apparent as we went through our life together. She was ready to graduate and go back to her hometown and buy a house near her parents etc, I wanted to stay in college a bit more, travel some before I got a full time job. Age has a lot to do with it as well, I was 22 then. Now that I think about it, I would say the age of the individuals probably has a bigger factor in it. If you're younger, you should wait longer.

Spin,

Before I proposed to my wife.....I had dated plenty of girls, and was in what I would consider 2 very serious relationships prior to meeting my wife. I was 29 when I got married.

By then I had learned plenty of life lessons, and after being in 2 very serious relationships, plus plenty of other 4-6 month dating types of relationships as well as some fun sowing my oats....I had a clear picture of what I wanted and whom I would be most compatible with.

I knew after 2 months of dating my wife I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It was that easy to know. It all depends on how much life and wisdom you have lived, how much experience you have had with past relationships, and truly knowing yourself that you can easily plunge into a marriage.

It's all relative.

No doubt, I agree with this, which is why I amended my statement to say it has more to do with the age of those involved then how long they've been together. I still think living together for a year or two before getting married is the way to go

 

[Todem]

Out of sheer curiosity from a single guy, what's so nuts about marrying a girl after a year?

Are you willing to bet half your income that the girl you've known for less than a year will be the same 5 years down the road, 10 years, 35 years?

But whens the right time? He seems fairly confident she is the one. Sometimes you know right away. I knew with my wife right away and we still waited 5 yrs before I popped the question.

Maybe I'm just influenced by my own past. I dated a girl for 4 years, and if you would have asked me after the first year if we were going to be married, I would said absolutely, without a doubt. At that point, she was "the one". We lived together for a year or so and everything changed. Maybe if we had gotten married we'd still be together, as divorce is much more difficult then breaking up with a girlfriend, but I'm thankful that we stopped it before it got to that point. We just had different views on life, and that grew more and more apparent as we went through our life together. She was ready to graduate and go back to her hometown and buy a house near her parents etc, I wanted to stay in college a bit more, travel some before I got a full time job. Age has a lot to do with it as well, I was 22 then. Now that I think about it, I would say the age of the individuals probably has a bigger factor in it. If you're younger, you should wait longer.

Spin,

Before I proposed to my wife.....I had dated plenty of girls, and was in what I would consider 2 very serious relationships prior to meeting my wife. I was 29 when I got married.

By then I had learned plenty of life lessons, and after being in 2 very serious relationships, plus plenty of other 4-6 month dating types of relationships as well as some fun sowing my oats....I had a clear picture of what I wanted and whom I would be most compatible with.

I knew after 2 months of dating my wife I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It was that easy to know. It all depends on how much life and wisdom you have lived, how much experience you have had with past relationships, and truly knowing yourself that you can easily plunge into a marriage.

It's all relative.

No doubt, I agree with this, which is why I amended my statement to say it has more to do with the age of those involved then how long they've been together. I still think living together for a year or two before getting married is the way to go

Funny you say that because that is exactly what I did. We moved in 6 months after meeting. Were married a year later.

I do agree....live together first.

 

[Sarnoff]

I applaud anyone for walking away if it doesn't feel right. I am going to be in a friends wedding in March, and he's making the biggest mistake of his life. He absolutely hates the woman (his words) but the wedding is booked, invitations sent, so on and so forth. She quit her job and moved from CA to OR and he feels obligated to go forth with the wedding.

She want's to start a family immediately, it's going to end bad.

Please get him an account on here. I'm going to need regular updates.

Bump.

 

[Dr Oadi]

Your ex and her family has paid new chick handsomely to get you to the altar so she can say no.