Why Do So Many Men Tolerate Having a Crappy Sex Life? (1 Viewer)

[Sweet J]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

You are just repeating popular perception, as if this is universal. But it's not, so you should stop repeating this stupid concept. There may, in fact, be times where one spouse is perfectly happy with the relationship but just isn't interested in sex as much as the other spouse. And it happens both ways. There are plenty of wives out there that are unhappy that their husbands aren't interested in sex.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

If my gf and I haven't had sex for a week, I just lay in bed and poke her in the butt until she gets the hint. Does this work for married folks?

If the guys have the stones to try it, yeah it does to some extent.

The problem is men get so conditioned by being turned down they don't initiate sex with any kind of mojo at all. They ask for sex, beg for sex, try to reason and logic their way into their wives. Generally this is a turn off for women. I've done some pretty crazy initiations in the past. Just walk into the room naked and ready to party while she's laying on the bed watching tv. Not even a word.

Guys who don't get bjs, have you tried just putting yourself right in her face, like an inch away? You'd be surprised but your wife still remembers what to do. I've read a lot about this stuff and tried a lot in practice, and it is amazing what works. It's almost counter intuitive.

Counter intuitive is a good word for it. We have been conditioned to do almost the exact opposite in everything related to marriage for so long that we accept the wrong and bad as the correct and good.

 

[Buddy Ball 2K3]

Guys, get a hot tub.

 

[mr roboto]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

You are just repeating popular perception, as if this is universal. But it's not, so you should stop repeating this stupid concept. There may, in fact, be times where one spouse is perfectly happy with the relationship but just isn't interested in sex as much as the other spouse. And it happens both ways. There are plenty of wives out there that are unhappy that their husbands aren't interested in sex.

It's not a stupid concept. I never said it's universal and I never said it applies to everyone. It's true in some cases. Sorry if I offended you.

 

[CowboysFromHell]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

A better use of porn is watching it together during foreplay.

 

[culdeus]

Has anyone mentioned that the problem with obesity in this country directly correlates with lower sex drive? Both for the added weight ####### with hormones and that exercise raises testosterone in both genders which drives sexual behaviors?

 

[CowboysFromHell]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

You are just repeating popular perception, as if this is universal. But it's not, so you should stop repeating this stupid concept. There may, in fact, be times where one spouse is perfectly happy with the relationship but just isn't interested in sex as much as the other spouse. And it happens both ways. There are plenty of wives out there that are unhappy that their husbands aren't interested in sex.

I was just about to ask if there was anyone else here in this situation? I wouldn't say I'm not interested, but she definitely wants it more often than I do.

 

[FUBAR]

Has anyone mentioned that the problem with obesity in this country directly correlates with lower sex drive? Both for the added weight ####### with hormones and that exercise raises testosterone in both genders which drives sexual behaviors?

probably true, though my wife's decrease in desire over the past couple of years has nothing to do with her weight, she's still looks pretty much the same as when we met - if anything she's stronger but not fatter. (Not to brag, but I'm in better shape too)

There are medical issues though, for a while she bled too much during and after which has obvious issues, and a few months ago she tore her ACL which has had a huge impact. Those types of things we can work through. But even when she would allow me to have sex with her with the bleeding, she couldn't get into it so it was unsatisfying for us both.

Thanks for this thread though, I showed her a few select posts this morning which led to a good conversation.

 

[CowboysFromHell]

This is why my wife and I are committed to not letting the kids run the household. They are our priority from 7am-8pm. Then bedtime, then our time. 2 hours every night.

The kids (6 and 4) know that mom and dad go on dates. That we have conversations over coffee together on a weekend morning and the kids need to go play somewhere else. That they are in bed by 8 and are not to wake us before 6:30.

Too many families revolve around the kids. Again, kids are the priority FOR THE TIME BEING. But they aren't the most important aspect of the family. They should be nurtured and raised to respect and admire the relationship mom and dad have.

Your kids are at a good age. We have a 13 and 15 year old at home that we just can't send to bed. Finding alone time is challenging but usually every couple of weeks or so both kids are out of the house or we'll have a little morning action on the weekend before they are up. The wife and I average about 2x per month...not great but being in my mid 40's not horrible.

Yeah our kids are nice age now but I know plenty of people who have early gradeschool kids who never get alone time because they're not willing to put a schedule on the children or set expectations that the kids can't simply walk into mom and dads room unannounced or interrupt conversations. I know people with kids our age who don't put the kids to bed till 930 or 10 PM and wonder why the parents are so tired and never have any alone time.I'm sure teenagers are different because you can set up a time that early but at the same time they will be out of the house more often playing sports doing sleepovers that kind of thing so I can imagine that you would have less time without the kids around when they got to be teenagers.

Hell, I was outside playing whenever humanly possible at age 14 or 15. Maybe kids are more homebodies now or more into television and electronics at home but if I didn't have to be in the house is a teenager I certainly was somewhere else.

Most teenagers are hiding in their own rooms most of the time, so as long as you're not the loud types, there shouldn't be a problem.

 

[culdeus]

Has anyone mentioned that the problem with obesity in this country directly correlates with lower sex drive? Both for the added weight ####### with hormones and that exercise raises testosterone in both genders which drives sexual behaviors?

probably true, though my wife's decrease in desire over the past couple of years has nothing to do with her weight, she's still looks pretty much the same as when we met - if anything she's stronger but not fatter. (Not to brag, but I'm in better shape too)

There are medical issues though, for a while she bled too much during and after which has obvious issues, and a few months ago she tore her ACL which has had a huge impact. Those types of things we can work through. But even when she would allow me to have sex with her with the bleeding, she couldn't get into it so it was unsatisfying for us both.

Thanks for this thread though, I showed her a few select posts this morning which led to a good conversation.

Well carrying excess fat and lack of exercise decreases desire. That's a fact. Whether there even further reasons just stack on top of that.

 

[prosopis]

We have always done well here until very recently. My wife and myself are in our late 40's and I think she may be going through the change. I am hoping once we have insurance she can get on hormone pills/patch or what ever women do at this time and we can return to our regular programming.

My wife is going through the change. A couple of years ago she went to her doctor complaining about unusual menstrual cycles; she was diagnosed later as perimenopausal. Didn't affect our sex life until sex became painful for her. Turns out, she has endometriosis.

She has gone the hormone therapy since then, but the endometriosis is getting worse. She is scheduled to undergo endometrial ablation in a few weeks; also taking care of a small hernia at the same time.

Sex life has definitely changed over the past couple of years. I appreciate her handies and head, but I feel kinda selfish as the only one that orgasms...even clitorial stimulation that leads her to orgasm is painful due to uterine contractions.

It's going to take time, but both of us look forward to a "normal" sex life.

Good luck to you and your wife...I hope she has an easier time with the change.

I hope it works out for you guys. My wife seems to be angry and depressed when she has her periods and they seem to last a lot longer now and be more frequent. I am really hoping a visit to the doctor will help this. I am worried about what the alternative is if it is not the change she is going through,

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Are you guys free to see other people? Are you allowed to have sex outside the marriage or would she divorce you if she found out you were?

I made that mistake a long time ago. Compounded the problems and pretty much damaged things beyond all repair.Technically we were separated but the wife doesn't care or acknowledge that fact. I still regret it and would discourage anyone from doing it.

Are you sure we aren't the same person?

Ive had the same thought over the years, J.

 

[prosopis]

We have always done well here until very recently. My wife and myself are in our late 40's and I think she may be going through the change. I am hoping once we have insurance she can get on hormone pills/patch or what ever women do at this time and we can return to our regular programming.

My wife is going through the change. A couple of years ago she went to her doctor complaining about unusual menstrual cycles; she was diagnosed later as perimenopausal. Didn't affect our sex life until sex became painful for her. Turns out, she has endometriosis.

She has gone the hormone therapy since then, but the endometriosis is getting worse. She is scheduled to undergo endometrial ablation in a few weeks; also taking care of a small hernia at the same time.

Sex life has definitely changed over the past couple of years. I appreciate her handies and head, but I feel kinda selfish as the only one that orgasms...even clitorial stimulation that leads her to orgasm is painful due to uterine contractions.

It's going to take time, but both of us look forward to a "normal" sex life.

Good luck to you and your wife...I hope she has an easier time with the change.

I'm going to drop into this thread here. First off, the Mrs and I are both into our late 50's. Second marriages for both, her a widow. I brought a young son into our relationship from a badly dysfunctional marriage that simply shouldn't have happened. We have two son's together. All three are great kids.

Sex early on was crazy, but looking back I was an amateur. As life grew more complicated- visitation issues, kids issues, work issues, health issues- sex began to take a back seat. She had a history of fibroids and sex just didn't feel good for her. Months between. Communication suffered as intimacy lessened. Depression and meds. Walls went up.

Fast forward through several years of trying to hold onto our friendship/marriage, focusing on the kids, not making new friends, very little social life save for extended family... to her doctor and her determining that a hysterectomy might be very good idea. She was afraid of losing her "female-ness" and having hormone issues, but after she did it our lives changed considerably- and for the better! She flat out states that it was one of the best things she has ever done, and only wishes she had done it earlier. The fibroid mass removed along with her uterus- left the ovaries/tubes and cervix intact- was the size of a grapefruit. Sex actually wasn't uncomfortable anymore!

Add to that- and you guys can chuckle all you want- the 50 Shades Factor. She read the books as I rolled my eyes, and then gave me the first one to read. In there she "discovered" that a woman claiming to not "want it" but "doing it" because it is her wifely duty , takes her psyche off the hook. She is "allowed" to be a bad girl because, well it isn't up to her. I'm "making" her be "naughty." Where I used to almost always be the one to initiate sex, she now lets me know she is feeling frisky by "preparing"...

A mind #### of sorts, right? I'm not going to argue as long as it isn't just my mind getting the action. And this renewed connection/intimacy has worked wonders for me mentally AND physically... (Did I say I was 57?)

This gives me hope- Thank you!!!

 

[comfortably numb]

Are you guys free to see other people? Are you allowed to have sex outside the marriage or would she divorce you if she found out you were?

I made that mistake a long time ago. Compounded the problems and pretty much damaged things beyond all repair.Technically we were separated but the wife doesn't care or acknowledge that fact. I still regret it and would discourage anyone from doing it.

Are you sure we aren't the same person?

Ive had the same thought over the years, J.

take it to the next level and describe the other woman and see how close you guys chose?

 

[Insein]

sublimeone is absolutely correct in what he is trying to say.

Don't believe him? Give up porn all together for a week or two and see what happens.

I gave up porn and masurbation for 2 months a couple years ago. Know what happened? Still no action despite the attempts. The release was like old faithful going off when I finally gave up.

 

[popsecret]

sublimeone is absolutely correct in what he is trying to say.

Don't believe him? Give up porn all together for a week or two and see what happens.

I gave up porn and masurbation for 2 months a couple years ago. Know what happened? Still no action despite the attempts. The release was like old faithful going off when I finally gave up.

You need to sit her down and have an alpha talk.

 

[FUBAR]

If my gf and I haven't had sex for a week, I just lay in bed and poke her in the butt until she gets the hint. Does this work for married folks?

If the guys have the stones to try it, yeah it does to some extent. The problem is men get so conditioned by being turned down they don't initiate sex with any kind of mojo at all. They ask for sex, beg for sex, try to reason and logic their way into their wives. Generally this is a turn off for women. I've done some pretty crazy initiations in the past. Just walk into the room naked and ready to party while she's laying on the bed watching tv. Not even a word.

Guys who don't get bjs, have you tried just putting yourself right in her face, like an inch away? You'd be surprised but your wife still remembers what to do. I've read a lot about this stuff and tried a lot in practice, and it is amazing what works. It's almost counter intuitive.

Counter intuitive is a good word for it. We have been conditioned to do almost the exact opposite in everything related to marriage for so long that we accept the wrong and bad as the correct and good.

Truth. Only action I've gotten lately was when I walked into the bathroom while she was taking a shower and I practically forced my pens into her hand. She just went with it, seemed to enjoy it more than any intercourse over the past year.

 

[James Daulton]

If my gf and I haven't had sex for a week, I just lay in bed and poke her in the butt until she gets the hint. Does this work for married folks?

If the guys have the stones to try it, yeah it does to some extent. The problem is men get so conditioned by being turned down they don't initiate sex with any kind of mojo at all. They ask for sex, beg for sex, try to reason and logic their way into their wives. Generally this is a turn off for women. I've done some pretty crazy initiations in the past. Just walk into the room naked and ready to party while she's laying on the bed watching tv. Not even a word.

Guys who don't get bjs, have you tried just putting yourself right in her face, like an inch away? You'd be surprised but your wife still remembers what to do. I've read a lot about this stuff and tried a lot in practice, and it is amazing what works. It's almost counter intuitive.

Counter intuitive is a good word for it. We have been conditioned to do almost the exact opposite in everything related to marriage for so long that we accept the wrong and bad as the correct and good.

Truth.Only action I've gotten lately was when I walked into the bathroom while she was taking a shower and I practically forced my pens into her hand. She just went with it, seemed to enjoy it more than any intercourse over the past year.

bj's rule!

 

[Jayrok]

We have always done well here until very recently. My wife and myself are in our late 40's and I think she may be going through the change. I am hoping once we have insurance she can get on hormone pills/patch or what ever women do at this time and we can return to our regular programming.

My wife is going through the change. A couple of years ago she went to her doctor complaining about unusual menstrual cycles; she was diagnosed later as perimenopausal. Didn't affect our sex life until sex became painful for her. Turns out, she has endometriosis.

She has gone the hormone therapy since then, but the endometriosis is getting worse. She is scheduled to undergo endometrial ablation in a few weeks; also taking care of a small hernia at the same time.

Sex life has definitely changed over the past couple of years. I appreciate her handies and head, but I feel kinda selfish as the only one that orgasms...even clitorial stimulation that leads her to orgasm is painful due to uterine contractions.

It's going to take time, but both of us look forward to a "normal" sex life.

Good luck to you and your wife...I hope she has an easier time with the change.

I'm going to drop into this thread here. First off, the Mrs and I are both into our late 50's. Second marriages for both, her a widow. I brought a young son into our relationship from a badly dysfunctional marriage that simply shouldn't have happened. We have two son's together. All three are great kids.

Sex early on was crazy, but looking back I was an amateur. As life grew more complicated- visitation issues, kids issues, work issues, health issues- sex began to take a back seat. She had a history of fibroids and sex just didn't feel good for her. Months between. Communication suffered as intimacy lessened. Depression and meds. Walls went up.

Fast forward through several years of trying to hold onto our friendship/marriage, focusing on the kids, not making new friends, very little social life save for extended family... to her doctor and her determining that a hysterectomy might be very good idea. She was afraid of losing her "female-ness" and having hormone issues, but after she did it our lives changed considerably- and for the better! She flat out states that it was one of the best things she has ever done, and only wishes she had done it earlier. The fibroid mass removed along with her uterus- left the ovaries/tubes and cervix intact- was the size of a grapefruit. Sex actually wasn't uncomfortable anymore!

Add to that- and you guys can chuckle all you want- the 50 Shades Factor. She read the books as I rolled my eyes, and then gave me the first one to read. In there she "discovered" that a woman claiming to not "want it" but "doing it" because it is her wifely duty , takes her psyche off the hook. She is "allowed" to be a bad girl because, well it isn't up to her. I'm "making" her be "naughty." Where I used to almost always be the one to initiate sex, she now lets me know she is feeling frisky by "preparing"...

A mind #### of sorts, right? I'm not going to argue as long as it isn't just my mind getting the action. And this renewed connection/intimacy has worked wonders for me mentally AND physically... (Did I say I was 57?)

This gives me hope- Thank you!!!

I would echo glock here. My wife is 49 next week and has been in perimenapause for the last year. Periods out of wack, occurring every two weeks and lasting longer than expected in some cases. Hot flashes, night sweats. And when I say she is irritable during her period, holy crap, she is a demon during those things. I actually came home from work gingerly anticipating a meltdown sometimes. For when she was upset, the whole house carried a very dark cloud. This has been worse in the last 18 months.

She has had issues with her innards for some time and our kids are grown and gone. A visit to her doctor in November gave her a couple of options. She opted for the hysterectomy. Had it done 3 weeks ago and is recovering nicely now. She is on hormones as per normal after this surgery.

No more periods and let me tell you... and I am not exaggerating... she is a different woman. She's been happier, more peppy, friendly (she is always friendly to other people, but mean to me at times) to me... loving and generally a lot more pleasant to be around. As she recovers fully I expect (and hope) that she continues to feel like her old self.

Women near 50 and having issues with irregular periods, etc., see a doctor and talk about options. Hysterectomy: highly recommend!

 

[saintsfan]

Maybe I'm just speaking for my own wife, but IMO sex starts outside the bedroom. Making comments about how she smells. How she looks. Physical, but non sexual contact. Being interested in her life.

Basically, pay attention to the woman you married. It's not that difficult.

I don't have any sex requirements in terms of frequency. We have kids, so it's not as often as it used to be, but it's often enough and it's great. We still are attracted to each other.

Medial issues, that's a whole different thing, but most normal woman who genuinely love their husbands are gonna respond to attention and thoughtfulness. I don't think expecting sex is anywhere near as important as expecting intimacy and attention. To me, physical intimacy results from emotional intimacy. The emotional should come first.

 

[acarey50]

I feel guilty for the great wife I lucked into marrying after reading this thread. Truly, my biggest complaint is that she doesn't watch my crappy Redskins with me in the home theater. She is a great mom, cook, cleans, and gives me the goods whenever I ask (and many times I don't have to) we are best friends and love the chit out of our kids. I can't complain about anything.

My wife is a lifelong Redskins fan and she stopped watching games after we had kids. It probably has more to do with the team's performance than anything else though.

My wife's lack of interest is also probably tied to lack of performance.

 

[Tau837]

Maybe I'm just speaking for my own wife, but IMO sex starts outside the bedroom. Making comments about how she smells. How she looks. Physical, but non sexual contact. Being interested in her life.

Basically, pay attention to the woman you married. It's not that difficult.

...

Medial issues, that's a whole different thing, but most normal woman who genuinely love their husbands are gonna respond to attention and thoughtfulness. I don't think expecting sex is anywhere near as important as expecting intimacy and attention. To me, physical intimacy results from emotional intimacy. The emotional should come first.

If you love your wife, you should desire and enjoy emotional intimacy, too. Maybe not as much as your wife, but it's not like the emotional intimacy is just a means to an end to get to physical intimacy.

 

[SIDA!]

sublimeone is absolutely correct in what he is trying to say.

Don't believe him? Give up porn all together for a week or two and see what happens.

I am just spitballing here...but I think what is going to happen is wifey will still have next to no interest in having sex with her husband.

 

[SIDA!]

If my gf and I haven't had sex for a week, I just lay in bed and poke her in the butt until she gets the hint. Does this work for married folks?

If the guys have the stones to try it, yeah it does to some extent.

The problem is men get so conditioned by being turned down they don't initiate sex with any kind of mojo at all. They ask for sex, beg for sex, try to reason and logic their way into their wives. Generally this is a turn off for women. I've done some pretty crazy initiations in the past. Just walk into the room naked and ready to party while she's laying on the bed watching tv. Not even a word.

Guys who don't get bjs, have you tried just putting yourself right in her face, like an inch away? You'd be surprised but your wife still remembers what to do. I've read a lot about this stuff and tried a lot in practice, and it is amazing what works. It's almost counter intuitive.

Counter intuitive is a good word for it. We have been conditioned to do almost the exact opposite in everything related to marriage for so long that we accept the wrong and bad as the correct and good.

Yankee...care to unpack this a bit. Specifically, the conditioning aspect. What/who/how would you say men/husbands are being conditioned? Please elaborate on this process/transformation as you see it.

 

[Clown Car]

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other problems (unless there's a medical reason or old age). And that's not something most men understand very well. Women won't want sex if they feel that the relationship is not in good shape. Generally women connect emotional intimacy with physical, and if they don't respect their husbands then it's not gonna happen most likely.

Sure there are women who are depressed or over stressed or tired or other non-relational reasons but it's usually tied to their feelings about their husband and whether they respect him and feel comfortable with their personal connection.

You are just repeating popular perception, as if this is universal. But it's not, so you should stop repeating this stupid concept. There may, in fact, be times where one spouse is perfectly happy with the relationship but just isn't interested in sex as much as the other spouse. And it happens both ways. There are plenty of wives out there that are unhappy that their husbands aren't interested in sex.

I was just about to ask if there was anyone else here in this situation? I wouldn't say I'm not interested, but she definitely wants it more often than I do.

I have a couple friends who are more interested in sex than their husbands. Ones husband is on psych meds, so she doesn't take it personally and just goes with the flow. Ones husband has always been a once a monther since they got married. I never understood that. Then one was very pregnant and she was very hurt and upset and felt unloved etc. but they have gotten back on track. It does happen, but it doesn't seem like it is as chronic as the women withholding.

 

[Wrighteous Ray]

I was just about to ask if there was anyone else here in this situation? I wouldn't say I'm not interested, but she definitely wants it more often than I do.

I have a couple friends who are more interested in sex than their husbands. Ones husband is on psych meds, so she doesn't take it personally and just goes with the flow. Ones husband has always been a once a monther since they got married. I never understood that. Then one was very pregnant and she was very hurt and upset and felt unloved etc. but they have gotten back on track. It does happen, but it doesn't seem like it is as chronic as the women withholding.

I think it's important to distinguish between husbands/wives that aren't interested in sex generally and husbands/wives that aren't interested in sex with their spouse (but would probably love to sleep with other people). Seems like two completely different phenomena with different underlying causes.

 

[eoMMan]

You could say this about a lot of things....

Why have a wife that can't cook?

Why have a wife that spends too much money?

Why have a wife that can speak?

Yeah, if the sex sucks, it definitely should be worked on but I'm in the camp that there's so much more to marriage.

 

[SIDA!]

You could say this about a lot of things....

Why have a wife that can't cook?

Why have a wife that spends too much money?

Why have a wife that can speak?

Yeah, if the sex sucks, it definitely should be worked on but I'm in the camp that there's so much more to marriage.

 

[Sabertooth]

sublimeone is absolutely correct in what he is trying to say.

Don't believe him? Give up porn all together for a week or two and see what happens.

I gave up porn and masurbation for 2 months a couple years ago. Know what happened? Still no action despite the attempts. The release was like old faithful going off when I finally gave up.

So you got that going for you. Which is nice.

 

[jamny]

sublimeone is absolutely correct in what he is trying to say.

Don't believe him? Give up porn all together for a week or two and see what happens.

I gave up porn and masurbation for 2 months a couple years ago. Know what happened? Still no action despite the attempts. The release was like old faithful going off when I finally gave up.

You need to sit her down and have an alpha talk.

Hey Mr. Alpha, what's the longest you've been with a woman?

 

[Bucky86]

sublimeone is absolutely correct in what he is trying to say.

Don't believe him? Give up porn all together for a week or two and see what happens.

I gave up porn and masurbation for 2 months a couple years ago. Know what happened? Still no action despite the attempts. The release was like old faithful going off when I finally gave up.

You need to sit her down and have an alpha talk.

Hey Mr. Alpha, what's the longest you've been with a woman?

He held hands with a girl once. Then she woke up.

 

[prosopis]

We have always done well here until very recently. My wife and myself are in our late 40's and I think she may be going through the change. I am hoping once we have insurance she can get on hormone pills/patch or what ever women do at this time and we can return to our regular programming.

My wife is going through the change. A couple of years ago she went to her doctor complaining about unusual menstrual cycles; she was diagnosed later as perimenopausal. Didn't affect our sex life until sex became painful for her. Turns out, she has endometriosis.

She has gone the hormone therapy since then, but the endometriosis is getting worse. She is scheduled to undergo endometrial ablation in a few weeks; also taking care of a small hernia at the same time.

Sex life has definitely changed over the past couple of years. I appreciate her handies and head, but I feel kinda selfish as the only one that orgasms...even clitorial stimulation that leads her to orgasm is painful due to uterine contractions.

It's going to take time, but both of us look forward to a "normal" sex life.

Good luck to you and your wife...I hope she has an easier time with the change.

I'm going to drop into this thread here. First off, the Mrs and I are both into our late 50's. Second marriages for both, her a widow. I brought a young son into our relationship from a badly dysfunctional marriage that simply shouldn't have happened. We have two son's together. All three are great kids.

Sex early on was crazy, but looking back I was an amateur. As life grew more complicated- visitation issues, kids issues, work issues, health issues- sex began to take a back seat. She had a history of fibroids and sex just didn't feel good for her. Months between. Communication suffered as intimacy lessened. Depression and meds. Walls went up.

Fast forward through several years of trying to hold onto our friendship/marriage, focusing on the kids, not making new friends, very little social life save for extended family... to her doctor and her determining that a hysterectomy might be very good idea. She was afraid of losing her "female-ness" and having hormone issues, but after she did it our lives changed considerably- and for the better! She flat out states that it was one of the best things she has ever done, and only wishes she had done it earlier. The fibroid mass removed along with her uterus- left the ovaries/tubes and cervix intact- was the size of a grapefruit. Sex actually wasn't uncomfortable anymore!

Add to that- and you guys can chuckle all you want- the 50 Shades Factor. She read the books as I rolled my eyes, and then gave me the first one to read. In there she "discovered" that a woman claiming to not "want it" but "doing it" because it is her wifely duty , takes her psyche off the hook. She is "allowed" to be a bad girl because, well it isn't up to her. I'm "making" her be "naughty." Where I used to almost always be the one to initiate sex, she now lets me know she is feeling frisky by "preparing"...

A mind #### of sorts, right? I'm not going to argue as long as it isn't just my mind getting the action. And this renewed connection/intimacy has worked wonders for me mentally AND physically... (Did I say I was 57?)

This gives me hope- Thank you!!!

I would echo glock here. My wife is 49 next week and has been in perimenapause for the last year. Periods out of wack, occurring every two weeks and lasting longer than expected in some cases. Hot flashes, night sweats. And when I say she is irritable during her period, holy crap, she is a demon during those things. I actually came home from work gingerly anticipating a meltdown sometimes. For when she was upset, the whole house carried a very dark cloud. This has been worse in the last 18 months.

She has had issues with her innards for some time and our kids are grown and gone. A visit to her doctor in November gave her a couple of options. She opted for the hysterectomy. Had it done 3 weeks ago and is recovering nicely now. She is on hormones as per normal after this surgery.

No more periods and let me tell you... and I am not exaggerating... she is a different woman. She's been happier, more peppy, friendly (she is always friendly to other people, but mean to me at times) to me... loving and generally a lot more pleasant to be around. As she recovers fully I expect (and hope) that she continues to feel like her old self.

Women near 50 and having issues with irregular periods, etc., see a doctor and talk about options. Hysterectomy: highly recommend!

In your opinion should I mention the above to my wife or just hope the doctor handles it? This post describes my wife exactly right now.

 

[The Duff Man]

My wife had a pretty f'ed up view of sex from her upbringing.

I was messed up also and went ahead and married her despite her lack of desire from day 1.

Fast forward to our 40s. She has changed. So have I. Sex is better now than it was when we met in our 20s. And she figured out she loves oral!!

So there is always hope...

 

[jamny]

My wife had a pretty f'ed up view of sex from her upbringing.

I was messed up also and went ahead and married her despite her lack of desire from day 1.

Fast forward to our 40s. She has changed. So have I. Sex is better now than it was when we met in our 20s. And she figured out she loves oral!!

So there is always hope...

That's awesome. Good for you both.

 

[RBM]

I could never stay in a relationship that had horrible sex or very little of it. I am a bit alpha though

 

[tommyboy]

Just because you're married x number if years doesn't mean you should stop flirting and being a man.

 

[mr roboto]

Just because you're married x number if years doesn't mean you should stop flirting and being a man.

No it's all the #####y wives. Men can't influence this at all.

 

[Judge Smails]

How about this:

There are a whole bunch of things that can make a woman a "good/great" wife.

Most men look to find a woman with as many of these qualities as possible. But we all know that there is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In no particular order:

• Looks
• Makes money
• Good mom
• Body
• Healthy sex drive
• Good cook
• Great personality/Not a ballbuster
• Not materialistic
• Not batcrap crazy
• Doesn't blow money
• Fun to be with
• etc

I guess eventually many guys will settle for only a few of those still being true after several years of marriage.

I know I'm lucky cause my wife has all the qualities listed except cooking, and she is even better in that department.

Only thing my wife lacks on this list is making money, and the fact she doesn't blow money and isn't materialistic offsets that for me. Very lucky.

 

[mr roboto]

How about this:

There are a whole bunch of things that can make a woman a "good/great" wife.

Most men look to find a woman with as many of these qualities as possible. But we all know that there is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In no particular order:

• Looks
• Makes money
• Good mom
• Body
• Healthy sex drive
• Good cook
• Great personality/Not a ballbuster
• Not materialistic
• Not batcrap crazy
• Doesn't blow money
• Fun to be with
• etc

I guess eventually many guys will settle for only a few of those still being true after several years of marriage.

I know I'm lucky cause my wife has all the qualities listed except cooking, and she is even better in that department.

Only thing my wife lacks on this list is making money, and the fact she doesn't blow money and isn't materialistic offsets that for me. Very lucky.

Agreed here.

 

[CowboysFromHell]

How about this:

There are a whole bunch of things that can make a woman a "good/great" wife.

Most men look to find a woman with as many of these qualities as possible. But we all know that there is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In no particular order:

• Looks
• Makes money
• Good mom
• Body
• Healthy sex drive
• Good cook
• Great personality/Not a ballbuster
• Not materialistic
• Not batcrap crazy
• Doesn't blow money
• Fun to be with
• etc

I guess eventually many guys will settle for only a few of those still being true after several years of marriage.

I know I'm lucky cause my wife has all the qualities listed except cooking, and she is even better in that department.

Only thing my wife lacks on this list is making money, and the fact she doesn't blow money and isn't materialistic offsets that for me. Very lucky.

Agreed here.

So you're saying Judge Smails' wife has a good body and a healthy sex drive (among other things)?

 

[mr roboto]

How about this:

There are a whole bunch of things that can make a woman a "good/great" wife.

Most men look to find a woman with as many of these qualities as possible. But we all know that there is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In no particular order:

• Looks
• Makes money
• Good mom
• Body
• Healthy sex drive
• Good cook
• Great personality/Not a ballbuster
• Not materialistic
• Not batcrap crazy
• Doesn't blow money
• Fun to be with
• etc

I guess eventually many guys will settle for only a few of those still being true after several years of marriage.

I know I'm lucky cause my wife has all the qualities listed except cooking, and she is even better in that department.

Only thing my wife lacks on this list is making money, and the fact she doesn't blow money and isn't materialistic offsets that for me. Very lucky.

Agreed here.

So you're saying Judge Smails' wife has a good body and a healthy sex drive (among other things)?

Precisely...

 

[carverlee]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

A better use of porn is watching it together during foreplay.

That's what gave us the best sex life of all our known friends. Then I cheated on her and although she accepted me back, she has lost trust while simultaneously gaining 30 pounds. Approaching 2 years without sex but so thankful to see my 3 kids grow up every day. Obviously would rather have both but if I had to choose..

 

[tommyboy]

Memo to men

Dont cheat

 

[James Daulton]

I'll venture a guess that a lot of the folks complaining of a bad sex life watch a ton of porn... I'll also venture a guess that a lot of people would start having better sex with their spouse if they eliminated porn viewing habits. I know.... crazy.

I'd venture to guess that some who are having troubles view more porn as a substitute.

A better use of porn is watching it together during foreplay.

That's what gave us the best sex life of all our known friends. Then I cheated on her and although she accepted me back, she has lost trust while simultaneously gaining 30 pounds. Approaching 2 years without sex but so thankful to see my 3 kids grow up every day. Obviously would rather have both but if I had to choose..

Are you staying only because of the kids or do you still want a life with your wife? Two years seems like a really long time if she really accepted you back.

 

[Hot Diggity Dog]

It worked/works for me because:

1) I laid it out for her. If sex wasn't that important to her....then why would she hold my feet to the fire if, her not being interested, I looked elsewhere to get my nut off. I said that the attitudes of many American, married women was very hypocritical. She agreed, which let to:

2) The discussion about sex after children/family raising. To that, I said that I didn't marry her solely for her child creating/raising abilitites and I still liked to think of her as that 21 year girl that I sexually fell in love with. She agreed on that point as well.....which let to.

3) Me starting to bang her like Wesley Pipes banged chicks. Do yourself a favor. Start doing this. Lay it on her....beat that ##### up.....get scandalous up in her.....make her keep her ### in the air.....get a snarl on your face while you say "yeah....that's right....take it all". Wear shoes, a backwards hat and nothing else when engaged in coitus. Tell her if she doesn't get that leg up your going to get Shorty Mac in there to help out from the other side. Works wonders. I'm dead serious.

This. Put some work in , make her feel sexy, do some simple acts of romance without the expectation of sex, since your not getting any anyway. If you have lost your way as a couple a straight forward conversation of I want to have amazing sex with you and save our marriage and feel young again should get her attention. Happy Valentines Day.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

It worked/works for me because:

1) I laid it out for her. If sex wasn't that important to her....then why would she hold my feet to the fire if, her not being interested, I looked elsewhere to get my nut off. I said that the attitudes of many American, married women was very hypocritical. She agreed, which let to:

2) The discussion about sex after children/family raising. To that, I said that I didn't marry her solely for her child creating/raising abilitites and I still liked to think of her as that 21 year girl that I sexually fell in love with. She agreed on that point as well.....which let to.

3) Me starting to bang her like Wesley Pipes banged chicks. Do yourself a favor. Start doing this. Lay it on her....beat that ##### up.....get scandalous up in her.....make her keep her ### in the air.....get a snarl on your face while you say "yeah....that's right....take it all". Wear shoes, a backwards hat and nothing else when engaged in coitus. Tell her if she doesn't get that leg up your going to get Shorty Mac in there to help out from the other side. Works wonders. I'm dead serious.

This. Put some work in , make her feel sexy, do some simple acts of romance without the expectation of sex, since your not getting any anyway. If you have lost your way as a couple a straight forward conversation of I want to have amazing sex with you and save our marriage and feel young again should get her attention. Happy Valentines Day.

I admit I've given up. I've got nothing to lose at this point so I'll try and give it an honest shot.

utshatonbackwards:

 

[Anarchy99]

A woman, seeking to spice up her love life, told her husband of 20 years to go to the drug store and buy some pills that would increase a man's desire and ability to have great sex. The man did as instructed and returned home an hour later and handed his wife a case of diet pills.

 

[jamny]

How about this:

There are a whole bunch of things that can make a woman a "good/great" wife.

Most men look to find a woman with as many of these qualities as possible. But we all know that there is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In no particular order:

• Looks
• Makes money
• Good mom
• Body
• Healthy sex drive
• Good cook
• Great personality/Not a ballbuster
• Not materialistic
• Not batcrap crazy
• Doesn't blow money
• Fun to be with
• etc

I guess eventually many guys will settle for only a few of those still being true after several years of marriage.

I know I'm lucky cause my wife has all the qualities listed except cooking, and she is even better in that department.

Only thing my wife lacks on this list is making money, and the fact she doesn't blow money and isn't materialistic offsets that for me. Very lucky.

We don't have kids so I can't put her down as a good mom but she fits everything else on the list. She makes well into 6 figures.

 

[shadyridr]

Maybe I'm just speaking for my own wife, but IMO sex starts outside the bedroom. Making comments about how she smells. How she looks. Physical, but non sexual contact. Being interested in her life.

Basically, pay attention to the woman you married. It's not that difficult.

I don't have any sex requirements in terms of frequency. We have kids, so it's not as often as it used to be, but it's often enough and it's great. We still are attracted to each other.

Medial issues, that's a whole different thing, but most normal woman who genuinely love their husbands are gonna respond to attention and thoughtfulness. I don't think expecting sex is anywhere near as important as expecting intimacy and attention. To me, physical intimacy results from emotional intimacy. The emotional should come first.

wife and I (married 10 years) sext quite often during the work day. Then by nighttime we are like two rabid animals.

 

[FUBAR]

Memo to men

Dont cheat

I blame Tom Brady.