Wife uses sex as a weapon (1 Viewer)

[Wingnut]

Sounds like shes not physically attracted to you anymore, plain and simple. If thats the case, there may not be anything you can do. Sometimes once the fire is gone, its gone.

Gllllll. Sorry I cant offer any quality advice here, but Im kind of on the other side of the fence here. Was with my GF for 15 years, and my attraction just got up and went, so I left a year ago. I still think the world of her, but physically, Im just not into it unless Im really drunk (we hang out sometimes, and once in a while we will have teh secks because of alcohol, but thats about it)

 

[Judge Smails]

The answer is obvious, Master Bateman.

Well played 'pissah. But we'll assume American Psycho here wants more than Rosy Palm. This is a tough one with the Paxil factor. She can always blame it on the meds. Find out from your doctor if there are other options without that side affect. Then go straight to ways to increase her libido. I played golf with a doctor last month and the guy was a total crackup. Said half his practice was pills to get guys hard and "the cream" to make previously unwilling wives become nymphs again. Think he said it was a testosterone cream. Little dab on the man in the canoe and you're back in bidness. Worth a shot. Or you can take the other posters advice and lose 30 lbs, do the dishes, cook dinner, talk about your feelings but only as they relate to her, etc. Sort of tongue in cheek, as I do know from experience that if you make your woman's day/night go a little easier through acts of appreciation the stars line up in the sack much more easily. But still - shouldn't have to slave and beg to get what should be part of a marriage contract.

 

[Wingnut]

5 User(s) are reading this topic

4 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

Wingnut, Kumerica, The Gator, Mario Kart

 

[simmonjm]

Im married with 4 kids and we have been together for almost 10 years. Went through a patch were sex was almost non-existent. We both found hobbies for her it was softball, hanging out with her friends, and school for me it was drinking with my buddies, working out, and video games. The key is finding a balance where you are both satisfied and happy with your life once you find the balance sex is readily available. Also drinking at the house together or with friends is pretty much a guaranteed sexual encounter.

 

[glumpy]

Get this book and read it.

I haven't read the book, but the author's blog is consistently excellent, and the book is supposed to be a well organized version of that.

 

[Buddy Ball 2K3]

Im married with 4 kids and we have been together for almost 10 years. Went through a patch were sex was almost non-existent. We both found hobbies for her it was softball, hanging out with her friends, and school for me it was drinking with my buddies, working out, and video games. The key is finding a balance where you are both satisfied and happy with your life once you find the balance sex is readily available. Also drinking at the house together or with friends is pretty much a guaranteed sexual encounter.

So did switching teams add to the excitement?

 

[Urinal Mint]

I've found that if you start having sex with other women, a wife will become very interested in the act all of a sudden.

 

[The Ref]

Oh man... Paxil.... I was on Paxil for about a 9 month span about 10 years ago and it killed my libido. I'm not saying that it IS the problem, but I can tell you that it very easily CAN be the problem.

 

[Da Guru]

Refuses sex all the time. It has become a major issue in our marriage. Our sex life is in the gutter. We've been married 16 years, and we have sex less than 10 times a year. What are my options here? I don't want a divorce.

Embrace celibacy

 

[gianmarco]

I started a thread on this, but.........

Do you guys go to sleep at the same time? If not, that may be part of the problem.

 

[Jutz]

The answer is obvious, Master Bateman.

Well played 'pissah. But we'll assume American Psycho here wants more than Rosy Palm. This is a tough one with the Paxil factor. She can always blame it on the meds. Find out from your doctor if there are other options without that side affect. Then go straight to ways to increase her libido. I played golf with a doctor last month and the guy was a total crackup. Said half his practice was pills to get guys hard and "the cream" to make previously unwilling wives become nymphs again. Think he said it was a testosterone cream. Little dab on the man in the canoe and you're back in bidness. Worth a shot. Or you can take the other posters advice and lose 30 lbs, do the dishes, cook dinner, talk about your feelings but only as they relate to her, etc. Sort of tongue in cheek, as I do know from experience that if you make your woman's day/night go a little easier through acts of appreciation the stars line up in the sack much more easily. But still - shouldn't have to slave and beg to get what should be part of a marriage contract.

The bolded line alone had me

 

[Foosball God]

Doesn't seem like she's using it as a weapon since there's nothing you can do to get it.

Have sex with someone else. Your needs are met and she doesn't have to deal with it.

Sadly, I feel like it has come to this. I don't get it, but many women in there 30's seem to lose their sex drive.

Actually most women's sex drives ramp up in their 30s.When's the last time you took her out on a date?

This is a myth. Single women over thirty start banging more guys because their afraid of becoming an old maid.

 

[Jutz]

Doesn't seem like she's using it as a weapon since there's nothing you can do to get it.

Have sex with someone else. Your needs are met and she doesn't have to deal with it.

Sadly, I feel like it has come to this. I don't get it, but many women in there 30's seem to lose their sex drive.

Actually most women's sex drives ramp up in their 30s.When's the last time you took her out on a date?

This is a myth. Single women over thirty start banging more guys because their afraid of becoming an old maid.

In a way... aren't the two sorta the same? The drive for sex goes up... what's it matter why?

 

[Eastwood]

Refuses sex all the time. It has become a major issue in our marriage. Our sex life is in the gutter. We've been married 16 years, and we have sex less than 10 times a year. What are my options here? I don't want a divorce.

Tell her she needs to listen to some wise words your friend Pat Benetar once said-

 

[Foosball God]

Doesn't seem like she's using it as a weapon since there's nothing you can do to get it.

Have sex with someone else. Your needs are met and she doesn't have to deal with it.

Sadly, I feel like it has come to this. I don't get it, but many women in there 30's seem to lose their sex drive.

Actually most women's sex drives ramp up in their 30s.When's the last time you took her out on a date?

This is a myth. Single women over thirty start banging more guys because their afraid of becoming an old maid.

In a way... aren't the two sorta the same? The drive for sex goes up... what's it matter why?

That doesn't help us poor married bastards.

 

[Osaurus]

Apparently Pat Nebatar has an issue with this too.

ETA: Dang!! Already linked!

 

[jomar]

When you want cattle, you take the cattle.

When you want food, you take the food.

When you want a woman.........you just take the woman.

 

[Willy]

First thing I was going to look for in this thread was if she's on any SSRI's like paxil, prozac or zoloft.

They impact everyone a little differently but it's well known that they kill libido in a large percentage of users. Lexapro is supposed to be the least bad of the group. Maybe you could convince her to try Lexapro. I am sure even that will be a hard sell as she probably doesn't think there is any problem. GL

 

[pantherclub]

Refuses sex all the time. It has become a major issue in our marriage. Our sex life is in the gutter. We've been married 16 years, and we have sex less than 10 times a year. What are my options here? I don't want a divorce.

why dont you want a divorce? Sex is a basic need like eating and breathing.

 

[ODoyleRules]

My brother is married and has 3 kids, he always says he's batting 3 for 4. And he's been telling me for 15 years not to get married. As have most of my divorced buddies. God forbid is it really THAT bad??? Marriage sounds godawful, gllll to ya man.

Crap. I think I'm doing it wrong because I don't understand what this means. Am I supposed to bring a bat and ball to bed?

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

Maybe shave the beard? :avatarjoke:

 

[gianmarco]

Ashley

Madison

Just an fyi..........

 

[Da Guru]

Maybe shave the beard? :avatarjoke:

Or do some manscaping.

 

[Charlie Frown]

I have threatened to use my dong as a weapon.

 

[eoMMan]

Raise your weapon.

 

[cstu]

Watch out Taliban!

 

[Pick]

Big part of marriage and as soon as it's way off there should be serious discussions. I don't think couples (and guys mostly) take it serious enough and by the time they do there are some entrenched behaviors.

Definitely needs to be some physical attraction. You need to turn each other on ya know (us guys don't need that but the ladies do). Work on that as some posters have said.

I think if meds are involved that could be a big deal. Not an issue for us but I've heard plenty of stories from friends about how the sex life was solved when wife went off whatever meds she was taking (usually birth-control).

We've always had plenty of sex but there's been an interesting shift. I used to always initiate and there were plenty of times she definitely "took one for the team". She used to say she was tired sometimes and I'd think "I'm never too tired for sex". But now (mid-30s) there's definitely been a change. She initiates and there have been plenty of times I was just too tired (I'd never admit this though). And yes sometimes I felt like I was taking one for the team.

Definitely time for you to have some serious conversation with her. Good luck.

 

[cmv5]

I think the best advice in here is to explore medication side effects and to have her hormone levels checked. People seem to associate sexual feelings and depression strictly with the mind. This problem can be directly related to health or medication. If it is due to the ssri, sometimes it is as easy as switching medications, or using another depression medication in adjunct with the Paxil such as Wellbutrin.

Also, don't ignore the steak and potatoes factor here. She has been having the equivalent of the same meal every day for the last 16 years. On top of that, it's possible you have probably gone from Ruth's Chris to Ponderosa (Steak and Shake?) as far as presentation. No matter what the cause, taking the time to get in good shape and care about your appearance and presentation/enthusiasm for sex every once in a while will help out the matter.

 

[Third]

Some good advice in here, but obviously there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and there is rarely an overnight fix. Don't ignore the medication factor, or rule out a hormonal/chemical issue. If she has that going on, no amount of "communication" is going to resolve the problem. I've found it very difficult to get any real answers from physicians. My wife has talked about her low sex drive with her OB/GYN a few different times, and we've had very little success in improving things. Wine seems to be the only thing that consistently works...if it doesn't put her to sleep.

I feel your frustration.

 

[Exit 1]

How often is considered normal? How little is considered cause for concern?

Would twice a month bother you and you had to always initiate it?

 

[Exit 1]

Some good advice in here, but obviously there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and there is rarely an overnight fix. Don't ignore the medication factor, or rule out a hormonal/chemical issue. If she has that going on, no amount of "communication" is going to resolve the problem. I've found it very difficult to get any real answers from physicians. My wife has talked about her low sex drive with her OB/GYN a few different times, and we've had very little success in improving things. Wine seems to be the only thing that consistently works...if it doesn't put her to sleep. I feel your frustration.

Hey, at least your wife was cool enough to hand model with the phallus shaped statue you posted a while back, right?

 

[Thunderlips]

Man, that sucks. I've been married for 11 years now, and our sex life is great, with high quality sex 1-2 times per week. I know some guys likely get it more often, but with two kids under 5 and some stressful finances, I'm not complaining. I say that to let you know I think I've learned some things over the past decade....The key here, IMO, is communication. You have to find out from her why she doesn't like sex with you. Every woman desires quality sex, but for women it is more than just the physical stimuli that makes sex enjoyable (or not). Usually it is many things outside the bedroom that lead to problems within it. For the woman, the many hours before you head to the bedroom are what determine what is going to happen. Did you fight during the day? Does she feel under appreciated or taken for granted? Is there some basic female need that she isn't getting met? Did you compliment her at all during the day?Now having the conversation may be tough, but the really hard part is what you do afterwards. Can you actually change enough to improve on these issues? Are you able to give what she needs? Can you do the things she is saying you need to do? Hopefully the answer is yes and it may take some serious sacrifice on your part, but a marriage is a lot of compromise.Once you try to address some of that, then you can let her know what it does to a man to have his advances constantly turned down. Few things knock a man down more than his wife telling him she's not interested in him physically time and time again. After about 4-5 times in a row, it becomes a serious problem in your mind. I've gone through some brief dry spells for a couple of weeks before and it becomes maddening. Can't fathom going a full month with no action. I'd honestly start to get very angry...but then again I do a hell of a lot to make sure she is happy. And that is the key, you trying to please her. I've found it is actually easier to please others than to please myself...especially in a marriage.

Thanks jay. I know I have things to work on. The rejection is brutal. I know she doesn't see it that way, but I do. We've discussed it before several times. I'm starting to think that it's physical. Something maybe with her meds that are killing her libido. It never used to be like this though. I'm troubled.

Is she on the pill? That #### can dry that #### up faster than the Sahara.

 

[cstu]

AshleyMadisonJust an fyi..........

Does that work?

For getting blackmailed? Absolutely.

 

[Third]

Some good advice in here, but obviously there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and there is rarely an overnight fix. Don't ignore the medication factor, or rule out a hormonal/chemical issue. If she has that going on, no amount of "communication" is going to resolve the problem. I've found it very difficult to get any real answers from physicians. My wife has talked about her low sex drive with her OB/GYN a few different times, and we've had very little success in improving things. Wine seems to be the only thing that consistently works...if it doesn't put her to sleep. I feel your frustration.

Hey, at least your wife was cool enough to hand model with the phallus shaped statue you posted a while back, right?

+1 for your notebook.

 

[Thunderlips]

Doesn't seem like she's using it as a weapon since there's nothing you can do to get it.Have sex with someone else. Your needs are met and she doesn't have to deal with it.

Sadly, I feel like it has come to this. I don't get it, but many women in there 30's seem to lose their sex drive.

The reality of the situation is that modern society has shackled the sexual needs of the modern married man who abides by its rules. As a man, it's instinct to continually want to (for lack of better words) "spread your seed". Modern marriage and society handcuffs that and forces you to be one woman, most of whom after awhile A) get physically unfit to have or be comfortable having sex, B) let their pressures of everyday life weigh on their sexual mindset or C) lose that sexual drive. It doubly sucks because instead of women doing the sensible thing and allowing their men to go engage in sex with women more interested or capable,they become galvanized towards this idea of fidelity that modern marriage forces on them; a thought that is reinforced by friends of theirs whom are engaging in that very same mindset. This leaves an able bodied man little recourse. The real kick in the balls to this situation is if/when the situation comes to a head and divorce occurs....a lot of times the woman realizes that she has needs, loses the weight, amps up the libido and starts banging like a rabbit on Viagra.

 

[The_Man]

Using sex as a weapon? That would means she's using sex at all. Sounds more like she's following NRA standards for storing unused weapons: "Store guns so they are not accessible to unauthorized persons."

 

[Arizona Ron]

Bang someone else, blame it on her. = win.

 

[goonsquad]

Sounds like shes not physically attracted to you anymore, plain and simple. If thats the case, there may not be anything you can do. Sometimes once the fire is gone, its gone.

Gllllll. Sorry I cant offer any quality advice here, but Im kind of on the other side of the fence here. Was with my GF for 15 years, and my attraction just got up and went, so I left a year ago. I still think the world of her, but physically, Im just not into it unless Im really drunk (we hang out sometimes, and once in a while we will have teh secks because of alcohol, but thats about it)

No no no no no. Sexual dysfunction in women is so much more complex than this. This is naturally the way a guy would think, but in all likelihood has absolutely nothing to do with it. Stress and depression are a major root cause and the meds for them only exasperate the problem.

Q. What causes decreased sexual desire in women?

A.Low sex drive can be caused by a range of factors, which vary from one individual to the next. Fatigue, the daily responsibilities and multiple roles women often assume, and many possible psychological causes can impact a woman's sexual appetite. It is also known that certain health conditions and medications can affect a woman's sexual desire. Depression and anxiety disorders can interfere with sexual desire, but so can some of the drugs used to treat these conditions. Many antidepressants, in particular Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, also called SSRIs (e.g., Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft), have side effects that have a negative impact on women's libidos. Wellbutrin SR is a possible alternative, as it does not seem to cause sexual problems. Serzone, Remeron and Luvox may not cause problems with sexual desire either.

In addition, birth control pills, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and other medications have been shown to decrease libido. If you notice a drop in your sexual desire around the time you start a new medication, talk to you doctor to see if there is a connection. Do not stop taking any medication without talking to your doctor first.

 

[Jutz]

The reality of the situation is that modern society has shackled the sexual needs of the modern married man who abides by its rules. As a man, it's instinct to continually want to (for lack of better words) "spread your seed". Modern marriage and society handcuffs that and forces you to be one woman, most of whom after awhile A) get physically unfit to have or be comfortable having sex, B) let their pressures of everyday life weigh on their sexual mindset or C) lose that sexual drive. It doubly sucks because instead of women doing the sensible thing and allowing their men to go engage in sex with women more interested or capable,they become galvanized towards this idea of fidelity that modern marriage forces on them; a thought that is reinforced by friends of theirs whom are engaging in that very same mindset. This leaves an able bodied man little recourse. The real kick in the balls to this situation is if/when the situation comes to a head and divorce occurs....a lot of times the woman realizes that she has needs, loses the weight, amps up the libido and starts banging like a rabbit on Viagra.

both and true

 

[Tom Servo]

The reality of the situation is that modern society has shackled the sexual needs of the modern married man who abides by its rules. As a man, it's instinct to continually want to (for lack of better words) "spread your seed". Modern marriage and society handcuffs that and forces you to be one woman

You might want to pick up a Bible. God ordained marriage, right there in Genesis. Monogamy is as old as mankind itself; "spreading your seed around" is as old as sin itself.

 

[Ghost Rider]

She seems to think that a sex life is not a priority.

Tell her you don't think taking out the trash or any other menial household chore is a priority. Of course, she is a woman, and is therefore crazy, and will likely get all pissy about it, but it will give her something to think about while you are thinking about your constant erections that aren't getting taken care of.

 

[Jayrod]

The reality of the situation is that modern society has shackled the sexual needs of the modern married man who abides by its rules. As a man, it's instinct to continually want to (for lack of better words) "spread your seed". Modern marriage and society handcuffs that and forces you to be one woman

You might want to pick up a Bible. God ordained marriage, right there in Genesis. Monogamy is as old as mankind itself; "spreading your seed around" is as old as sin itself.

marriage <> monogamyThe only real Biblical reference to monogamy as a preferred practice is in the NT when Paul suggests that overseers and deacons should be the husband of only one wife.

 

[Thunderlips]

The reality of the situation is that modern society has shackled the sexual needs of the modern married man who abides by its rules. As a man, it's instinct to continually want to (for lack of better words) "spread your seed". Modern marriage and society handcuffs that and forces you to be one woman

You might want to pick up a Bible. God ordained marriage, right there in Genesis. Monogamy is as old as mankind itself; "spreading your seed around" is as old as sin itself.

Comic books are my choice of fiction...but I'll keep it in mind.

 

[Thunderlips]

The reality of the situation is that modern society has shackled the sexual needs of the modern married man who abides by its rules. As a man, it's instinct to continually want to (for lack of better words) "spread your seed". Modern marriage and society handcuffs that and forces you to be one woman, most of whom after awhile A) get physically unfit to have or be comfortable having sex, B) let their pressures of everyday life weigh on their sexual mindset or C) lose that sexual drive. It doubly sucks because instead of women doing the sensible thing and allowing their men to go engage in sex with women more interested or capable,they become galvanized towards this idea of fidelity that modern marriage forces on them; a thought that is reinforced by friends of theirs whom are engaging in that very same mindset. This leaves an able bodied man little recourse. The real kick in the balls to this situation is if/when the situation comes to a head and divorce occurs....a lot of times the woman realizes that she has needs, loses the weight, amps up the libido and starts banging like a rabbit on Viagra.

both and true

It boggles the mind. Sex is not important to some women in marriages as long as both the woman and her husband aren't having it. Either bang or get out of the way.

 

[Limp Ditka]

Time to go Lester on her.

Quit your job

Make significant purchases without her input

Beat off in bed.

Work out

Smoke dope.

Ogle high school cheerleaders.

Eventually she'll start piping the "King" of her industry and you can leave the #####.

Just hope you don't come out on the other end having to kiss another dude and becoming a corpse.

 

[Giant Wooden Badger]

My brother is married and has 3 kids, he always says he's batting 3 for 4. And he's been telling me for 15 years not to get married. As have most of my divorced buddies. God forbid is it really THAT bad??? Marriage sounds godawful, gllll to ya man.

Crap. I think I'm doing it wrong because I don't understand what this means. Am I supposed to bring a bat and ball to bed?

I think he's saying that he's only had sex with his wife 4 times and 3 of the times he got her pregnant.

 

[Jutz]

My brother is married and has 3 kids, he always says he's batting 3 for 4. And he's been telling me for 15 years not to get married. As have most of my divorced buddies. God forbid is it really THAT bad??? Marriage sounds godawful, gllll to ya man.

Crap. I think I'm doing it wrong because I don't understand what this means. Am I supposed to bring a bat and ball to bed?

I think he's saying that he's only had sex with his wife 4 times and 3 of the times he got her pregnant.

There is only about 15 people in my office and it is a very quiet place. I am struggling to keep from .

ETA: resorting to the 'fake cough'

 

[renesauz]

If she's healthy, and still doesn't want sex, there's a pretty good chance that SHE'S having an affair. (Certainly not proof, as there are many other possibilities, but a good chance.)

If you let her know that this may threaten your marriage, and she's still ambivalent about it, than the odds increase.

 

[Jutz]

You might want to have her try Ambien

 

[Patrick Bateman]

She seems to think that a sex life is not a priority.

Tell her you don't think taking out the trash or any other menial household chore is a priority. Of course, she is a woman, and is therefore crazy, and will likely get all pissy about it, but it will give her something to think about while you are thinking about your constant erections that aren't getting taken care of.

You guys are killing me.