kupcho1
Footballguy
Wow.Thanks for bumping this. I meant to write something about a coworker who's lately taken to wearing Silly Bandz. I'm so stupefied by this I can't even come up with something funny to say.
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A note to my coworker ... (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Nigel Tufnel
- Start date
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Insoxicated
You're wayyyy nicer than I am. I'd interrupt with a "fake answering the phone" maneuver (acting like it was on vibrate) and say "sorry, I've gotta take this" and jump in my car.
John 14:6
Jesus is Lord!
That Young Siege song is awesome!
Cunk
Footballguy
Hi Kathy,
It's been nice having you right across the hall. I commend the fact that you've been working out so much and lost a ton of weight. Only thing is that most of the weight you lost came from the chest area. You were hotter with a couple extra pounds with huge boobs. Sorry but it's true! Please eat some cheesecake again! I want booby back!!!!!
Edited to add they are shrinking as I type this!!!!!!!
STOP!!!!!!!!
( . )( . ) ( . ) ( . ) (.)(.)
It's been nice having you right across the hall. I commend the fact that you've been working out so much and lost a ton of weight. Only thing is that most of the weight you lost came from the chest area. You were hotter with a couple extra pounds with huge boobs. Sorry but it's true! Please eat some cheesecake again! I want booby back!!!!!
Edited to add they are shrinking as I type this!!!!!!!
STOP!!!!!!!!
( . )( . ) ( . ) ( . ) (.)(.)
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wadegarrett
FFA Legend™
Jennifer,
Nope. Even with short hair you're still ugly.
Nice try though. Have a cookie.
wg
Nope. Even with short hair you're still ugly.
Nice try though. Have a cookie.
wg
Angry Beavers
Footballguy
Dear Sick Dude:
I know you have no sick time left. I get that. But for the love of God please get some cough medicine or something and stop hacking every 30 seconds. How about you go see a doctor. Our health benefits really are good. You should use them. It sounds like you are going to lose a lung. I feel for the people that sit near your cubicle and wonder when they are going to catch whatever nasty disease you have. The person two offices over left his office just to see who was hacking so badly and there was an email going around about how disgusted everyone in this entire corner of the floor was getting just wondering how sick we might be getting.
Luckily, I have an office that is far enough away that I feel somewhat safe until of course you come into my office, sit down and start to talk at me about nothing. Please don't visit me when it is obvious that I am buried in paperwork from the recent accquisition and when you are hacking and spraying germs everywhere. Have a little common sense and decency to not get everyone else in the office sick.
Thanks
AB
PS When I suggested that you get that cough checked out while covering my face your comment that you feel fine was not particularly reassuring. Thankfully I was able to get a can of Lysol from one of the women in accounting.
I know you have no sick time left. I get that. But for the love of God please get some cough medicine or something and stop hacking every 30 seconds. How about you go see a doctor. Our health benefits really are good. You should use them. It sounds like you are going to lose a lung. I feel for the people that sit near your cubicle and wonder when they are going to catch whatever nasty disease you have. The person two offices over left his office just to see who was hacking so badly and there was an email going around about how disgusted everyone in this entire corner of the floor was getting just wondering how sick we might be getting.
Luckily, I have an office that is far enough away that I feel somewhat safe until of course you come into my office, sit down and start to talk at me about nothing. Please don't visit me when it is obvious that I am buried in paperwork from the recent accquisition and when you are hacking and spraying germs everywhere. Have a little common sense and decency to not get everyone else in the office sick.
Thanks
AB
PS When I suggested that you get that cough checked out while covering my face your comment that you feel fine was not particularly reassuring. Thankfully I was able to get a can of Lysol from one of the women in accounting.
Schlzm
Footballguy
Dear guy across the hall from me. You would think that after the fifth time I remotely reboot your computer you would realize I don't like your taste in music and constantly cranking it up to top volume and trying to play "guess who this is!" with me isn't getting you anywhere. Next time I set your desktop background as Strawberry Shortcake and edit your hosts file so you can't youtube or facebook anymore.
Schlzm
Schlzm
Carver
Footballguy
Dear Bat#### crazy leather faced 40ished divorced skank...
Stop popping Xanax like tic tacs and washing it down with 20oz Redbulls to stay awake and blabber on and on AND ON about a former equally annoying "20-something" Latin co-worker, and how well he is doing at his new company.
He wouldn't plow your pathetic desperate ### while he was here... and he doesnt want you now either. Please stop telling us about all the Facebooking you two do... you're not cool, hip, hot, or interesting. So give it up.
If it were legal, we would gladly set you on fire to end your mental anguish and loneliness.
Stop popping Xanax like tic tacs and washing it down with 20oz Redbulls to stay awake and blabber on and on AND ON about a former equally annoying "20-something" Latin co-worker, and how well he is doing at his new company.
He wouldn't plow your pathetic desperate ### while he was here... and he doesnt want you now either. Please stop telling us about all the Facebooking you two do... you're not cool, hip, hot, or interesting. So give it up.
If it were legal, we would gladly set you on fire to end your mental anguish and loneliness.
videoguy505
Footballguy
Dear Excel (I consider you a co-worker):
I just opened the file to print. Nothing changed. I don't need to save.
TIA.
I just opened the file to print. Nothing changed. I don't need to save.
TIA.
Cliff Clavin
Footballguy
Dear Entire Company of Idiots (except 4 people),
When I put in the email to "please call me", that means call me. Does that mean email me? No. It means to pick up the ####### phone and call me.
Thanks
*I sent an email out to the entire company saying to blah blah blah, please CALL ME or other person, if you need this application installed. I received 4 phone calls and 42 emails. No where did it say to email me.
When I put in the email to "please call me", that means call me. Does that mean email me? No. It means to pick up the ####### phone and call me.
Thanks
*I sent an email out to the entire company saying to blah blah blah, please CALL ME or other person, if you need this application installed. I received 4 phone calls and 42 emails. No where did it say to email me.
shuke
Black Ice Skeptic
Seriously, what is that all about?
Cunk
Footballguy
I get the same thing with my version of Word. Sometimes I've got a ton of Word docs open and haven't done anything to them. Pain in the butt to close each one separately when I've done nothing to them.
Cunk
Footballguy
I hate the fact that we can't use the stairs to go up because the door to the stairs is locked. And you can only use them to go down if you are leaving the building. The door to each floor is locked from the outside.So if I'm on the 4th floor and want to go to the third I have to take the elevator. I hate it when that happens and it seems the people in the elevator with me just think I'm lazy. I actually had to explain myself once and I still don't think they got it.If you are a perfectly capable person there should be a law about taking and elevator one flight, ESPECIALLY when the stairs are next to the elevator.Nothing worse than getting in on the ground floor and having some person jump on board "2 please"
belljr
Footballguy
Hey there may be circumstance that's fine, that's not the case here thoughI hate the fact that we can't use the stairs to go up because the door to the stairs is locked. And you can only use them to go down if you are leaving the building. The door to each floor is locked from the outside.So if I'm on the 4th floor and want to go to the third I have to take the elevator. I hate it when that happens and it seems the people in the elevator with me just think I'm lazy. I actually had to explain myself once and I still don't think they got it.If you are a perfectly capable person there should be a law about taking and elevator one flight, ESPECIALLY when the stairs are next to the elevator.Nothing worse than getting in on the ground floor and having some person jump on board "2 please"
Cunk
Footballguy
Yeah, most places it's the case. I still see people take the elevator down from the second floor to leave though. In that case you can take the stairs. It takes longer to wait for the elevator than it would be just to take the stairs.Hey there may be circumstance that's fine, that's not the case here thoughI hate the fact that we can't use the stairs to go up because the door to the stairs is locked. And you can only use them to go down if you are leaving the building. The door to each floor is locked from the outside.So if I'm on the 4th floor and want to go to the third I have to take the elevator. I hate it when that happens and it seems the people in the elevator with me just think I'm lazy. I actually had to explain myself once and I still don't think they got it.If you are a perfectly capable person there should be a law about taking and elevator one flight, ESPECIALLY when the stairs are next to the elevator.Nothing worse than getting in on the ground floor and having some person jump on board "2 please"
offdee
Footballguy
So you would've preferred 46 phone calls?
Cliff Clavin
Footballguy
Yes, which is why I put to call me in the email. I need to take control of their computer, install an app on it and then explain a couple things to them. This cannot be done by them emailing me.
John 14:6
Jesus is Lord!
Dear co-worker in another state,
I would much prefer you e-mail me instead of calling whenever you have a question. I may be busy and not want to talk on the phone. Plus with e-mail you can't ask me a question and then interrupt me before I get done answering. If you already have an answer, don't ask!
And if you don't want to work on a certain test, don't try to come up with excuses about how critical one test is versus another. Just admit you're too lazy and work on a different, easier test.
Thank you,
John
I would much prefer you e-mail me instead of calling whenever you have a question. I may be busy and not want to talk on the phone. Plus with e-mail you can't ask me a question and then interrupt me before I get done answering. If you already have an answer, don't ask!
And if you don't want to work on a certain test, don't try to come up with excuses about how critical one test is versus another. Just admit you're too lazy and work on a different, easier test.
Thank you,
John
Dexter Manley
Footballguy
Dear coworker,
Thanks for having your wife drop off some tasty sub sandwiches since her work luncheon got cancelled. They were delicious and free!
Thanks for having your wife drop off some tasty sub sandwiches since her work luncheon got cancelled. They were delicious and free!
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videoguy505
Footballguy
There's always that half-second of panic:"Oh ####--I don't think I changed anything. Did I just #### up the file? What did I do? I don't think I want to save..."I get the same thing with my version of Word. Sometimes I've got a ton of Word docs open and haven't done anything to them. Pain in the butt to close each one separately when I've done nothing to them.
snogger
Footballguy
Dear Next door Cube person:
3 Options.
1. When you eat Chips, do so with your mouth CLOSED!!
2. Soak your fricken chips in water before you eat them so I don't have to hear CRUNCH!!! every single bite!
3. Don't bring Chips in with your meals!!!
end
3 Options.
1. When you eat Chips, do so with your mouth CLOSED!!
2. Soak your fricken chips in water before you eat them so I don't have to hear CRUNCH!!! every single bite!
3. Don't bring Chips in with your meals!!!
end
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Northern Voice
Footballguy
Hey ####### bosses,
I realize that you own the company, and I'm screwed from the start here, but if I'm up 20% sales, and the owner is down over 30%, while the third part of the company is down over 50% and basically being shut down, do you really think I'm the one you should be laying off right now? I don't care if you intend to call me back in February, I intend to have a new job by next week. You have diabetes and a drinking problem, your wife has cancer and still chain smokes her way through every day.
The only other guy left in the company, yes, he has been here from the start. He's also in his late 50s, pushing 400 pounds and has a grocery list full of ailments, this is who you're hitching your wagon to? There's a good chance in 10 years none of you will be alive.
I realize that this is what you do with your installers every year and they always come back, but for the love of god, please let me find a new job, and not be back here in February.
Also, owners, you hate each other's guts, and you are now 2 of 3 people left at this company. Get the damn divorce and shut this thing down already.
You also have the worst customer service skills of anyone I've ever met. "The customer is always wrong" is a bad policy. Stop suing customers over $300. Your legal fees cost you triple that, and the referral business lost much more. Stop fighting people over a 2% credit card charge. For starters, I don't think it's legal to ask for in the first place, second, if you lose even one repeat deal because of this, it wasn't worth it.
ETA: You should probably stop talking about your Black Friday shopping trip on Friday, when Friday is my last day before being laid off.
I realize that you own the company, and I'm screwed from the start here, but if I'm up 20% sales, and the owner is down over 30%, while the third part of the company is down over 50% and basically being shut down, do you really think I'm the one you should be laying off right now? I don't care if you intend to call me back in February, I intend to have a new job by next week. You have diabetes and a drinking problem, your wife has cancer and still chain smokes her way through every day.
The only other guy left in the company, yes, he has been here from the start. He's also in his late 50s, pushing 400 pounds and has a grocery list full of ailments, this is who you're hitching your wagon to? There's a good chance in 10 years none of you will be alive.
I realize that this is what you do with your installers every year and they always come back, but for the love of god, please let me find a new job, and not be back here in February.
Also, owners, you hate each other's guts, and you are now 2 of 3 people left at this company. Get the damn divorce and shut this thing down already.
You also have the worst customer service skills of anyone I've ever met. "The customer is always wrong" is a bad policy. Stop suing customers over $300. Your legal fees cost you triple that, and the referral business lost much more. Stop fighting people over a 2% credit card charge. For starters, I don't think it's legal to ask for in the first place, second, if you lose even one repeat deal because of this, it wasn't worth it.
ETA: You should probably stop talking about your Black Friday shopping trip on Friday, when Friday is my last day before being laid off.
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Jobber
Footballguy
I'd like to give thanks that I am a full time telecommuter now. I don't have to put up with:
- You people clipping your nails at work. You're disgusting. Do this at home like civilized people.
- Open mouth chewer. I'm so glad I don't have to listen to you Bugs Bunny your **** carrots every day at lunch anymore.
- Boy Scout/Girl Scout/birthday collections/etc order forms being passed around. F*** Y**.
- Those of you who don't think it's necessary to wash your hands after using the bathroom. Gross.
- Hey sicko, you do realize that Paid Time Off/Sick Days are so you can stay home when you're ill. SO YOU DON'T GET OTHERS SICK. Don't come in because you feel "good enough" to work. You're still contagious.
- The next time I do go into the office and see someone microwaving popcorn, I'm going to urinate on it. At least that will make it smell better.
- You people clipping your nails at work. You're disgusting. Do this at home like civilized people.
- Open mouth chewer. I'm so glad I don't have to listen to you Bugs Bunny your **** carrots every day at lunch anymore.
- Boy Scout/Girl Scout/birthday collections/etc order forms being passed around. F*** Y**.
- Those of you who don't think it's necessary to wash your hands after using the bathroom. Gross.
- Hey sicko, you do realize that Paid Time Off/Sick Days are so you can stay home when you're ill. SO YOU DON'T GET OTHERS SICK. Don't come in because you feel "good enough" to work. You're still contagious.
- The next time I do go into the office and see someone microwaving popcorn, I'm going to urinate on it. At least that will make it smell better.
TommyGilmore
Footballguy
Co-worker: Why would a snowman be sparse and brown?
Me: That's Parson Brown.
Me: That's Parson Brown.
LarryAllen'sJockstrap
Footballguy
Dear Northern Voice,The "real" reason you are being laid off has nothing to do with your performance; and instead, everything to do with the lack of empathy you display to your fellow employees' with serious medical conditions such as obesity, diabetes and substance abuse.We'll see you back in February pending your cultural sensitivity certification.Thanks,The ####### Bosses
Jobber
Footballguy
Fixed
Harry Manback
Footballguy
Yeah, you're tapped.Dear Next door Cube person:
3 Options.
1. When you eat Chips, do so with your mouth CLOSED!!
2. Soak your fricken chips in water before you eat them so I don't have to hear CRUNCH!!! every single bite!
3. Don't bring Chips in with your meals!!!
end
mcintyre1
Footballguy
I hate this about my building. There literally are no stairs that can be used to move up from the ground floor from the lobby. You could enter by the loading dock and use your keycard to get into the emergency exit stairs and go up, but otherwise you must take the elevator, even if you're only going to 2.If you are a perfectly capable person there should be a law about taking and elevator one flight, ESPECIALLY when the stairs are next to the elevator.
Nothing worse than getting in on the ground floor and having some person jump on board "2 please"
belljr
Footballguy
hey cube neighbor,
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SPEAKER PHONE DOES NOT MEAN YOU HOLD AN ENTIRE CONFERENCE CALL ON SPEAKER. You want to check a voicemail, fine I'll grant it, you want to speaker dial and then pick up if someone answers FINE. BUT TO HOLD AN ENTIRE 1 hour meeting regularly. REALLY ?!? REALLY?!?
GET A ### #### HEADSET... YOU WONDER WHY I KEEP TURNING MY RADIO UP. I didn't think I would have to say something but apparently common manners/sense evades you.
Hope to keep this amicable when I "confront" you.
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SPEAKER PHONE DOES NOT MEAN YOU HOLD AN ENTIRE CONFERENCE CALL ON SPEAKER. You want to check a voicemail, fine I'll grant it, you want to speaker dial and then pick up if someone answers FINE. BUT TO HOLD AN ENTIRE 1 hour meeting regularly. REALLY ?!? REALLY?!?
GET A ### #### HEADSET... YOU WONDER WHY I KEEP TURNING MY RADIO UP. I didn't think I would have to say something but apparently common manners/sense evades you.
Hope to keep this amicable when I "confront" you.
bakes
I am the Beer God!
Dear Administration
Thank you again for the 22nd reminder that the official date for our holiday parties is tomorrow, and ending every single reminder with a chipper "and remember, no alcoholic beverages are to be brought in or consumed!" It continues to leave open the same loophole I've been exploiting on an annual basis, and every year I get closer to finding out exactly how much rum a rum cake can hold and still be considered a solid.
sincerely, bakes, who remembers when the commissioner used to haul in a keg and enough booze to stock a south side bar for a week.
Thank you again for the 22nd reminder that the official date for our holiday parties is tomorrow, and ending every single reminder with a chipper "and remember, no alcoholic beverages are to be brought in or consumed!" It continues to leave open the same loophole I've been exploiting on an annual basis, and every year I get closer to finding out exactly how much rum a rum cake can hold and still be considered a solid.
sincerely, bakes, who remembers when the commissioner used to haul in a keg and enough booze to stock a south side bar for a week.
Uncle Owen
Footballguy
Overheard at work:
"Tony Romo better watch his step, 'cause Kitna's doing a pretty good job."
"Tony Romo better watch his step, 'cause Kitna's doing a pretty good job."
Sack-Religious
Footballguy
Wow. I don’t know what you’ve been eating or what sort of parasite has taken up residence in your intestines but the stench that has been lingering in the men’s room for 30+ minutes now will not go away.
The reek of you evacuating your bowels is so bad that it prevented me from urinating.
Thank you for providing me the opportunity to explore the building to find an alternate restroom. Not really.
The reek of you evacuating your bowels is so bad that it prevented me from urinating.
Thank you for providing me the opportunity to explore the building to find an alternate restroom. Not really.
Cunk
Footballguy
Same here. Hate it when a non-regular gets in there with me. Feel like I want to explain. Expecially since there are stairs but they are locked from the outside. Of course people not familiar with the building don't know that and just think you're a lazy sob.I hate this about my building. There literally are no stairs that can be used to move up from the ground floor from the lobby. You could enter by the loading dock and use your keycard to get into the emergency exit stairs and go up, but otherwise you must take the elevator, even if you're only going to 2.If you are a perfectly capable person there should be a law about taking and elevator one flight, ESPECIALLY when the stairs are next to the elevator.
Nothing worse than getting in on the ground floor and having some person jump on board "2 please"
Captain Quinoa
Footballguy
From the department of too much information department:
"Good morning. Well, it is not so good for me. I have been up all night because my dog is sick! She has very bad diarrhea and has had to go out about every hour. I cannot leave her alone – and plan to call the vet as soon as he opens this morning. I can work from home or take a personal day – whichever you prefer I do."
I prefer you not discuss the intestinal distress of your stupid dog (or yourself as you have done in the past). I hope you slip and fall face first into a pile of doggie butt stew.
"Good morning. Well, it is not so good for me. I have been up all night because my dog is sick! She has very bad diarrhea and has had to go out about every hour. I cannot leave her alone – and plan to call the vet as soon as he opens this morning. I can work from home or take a personal day – whichever you prefer I do."
I prefer you not discuss the intestinal distress of your stupid dog (or yourself as you have done in the past). I hope you slip and fall face first into a pile of doggie butt stew.
facook
Footballguy
My wife and her coworkers got to participate in a mandatory company meeting in which the owner decreed that cell phones would now be prohibited at work stations because employees were wasting too much time taking personal calls and texting. This from the lady who spends the majority of her day cruising npr.org and checking out facebook. Apparently the employees struggled to accept this change - not because it's not valid, but because the owner's cell phone rang throughout her diatribe. And each time it was her son. Who is in college.
IGKYA!!!
Footballguy
Gadzooks
Footballguy
Women are funny.
Disco Stu
Confirmed FBGal
Bob Lee Swagger
Footballguy
Thank you for including 17 question marks at the end of your query.
I now know exactly how urgently I should respond to you.
I now know exactly how urgently I should respond to you.
Jayrod
Footballguy
But what was the question????????????????????????????????????
Cunk
Footballguy
Jim, instead of constantly interrupting me telling that the client might do something and giving me your thoughts what we should do if, in fact, they do want that something, please wait until a decision has been made and let me know what you want me to do.
And Jon, I never thought you were the brightest bulb on the tree but your company-wide email the morning after St. Patrick's Day "I'm still recovering after celebrating a little too much last night. I'll probably be in around noon" wasn't the smartest thing to do. Probably why you were fired a few days later.
And Kevin I don't think I could tell you how much your gravely voice, which sounds like you're always being sarcastic, annoys me. Also you don't need those shirts with teeny-tiny sleeves. We all know you work out. We're all impressed.
And Jon, I never thought you were the brightest bulb on the tree but your company-wide email the morning after St. Patrick's Day "I'm still recovering after celebrating a little too much last night. I'll probably be in around noon" wasn't the smartest thing to do. Probably why you were fired a few days later.
And Kevin I don't think I could tell you how much your gravely voice, which sounds like you're always being sarcastic, annoys me. Also you don't need those shirts with teeny-tiny sleeves. We all know you work out. We're all impressed.
Bob Lee Swagger
Footballguy
TJ-Raider
Footballguy
Dear CoWorker,
I have one simple request. Could you please let someone else FINISH a story before you jump in and say, "I know, when we remodeled...." or "That happened to me when...."
Just close your mouth and listen.
Thank you,
EVERYONE
P.S. Oh, and CHEW WITYH YOUR MOUTH SHUT!
I have one simple request. Could you please let someone else FINISH a story before you jump in and say, "I know, when we remodeled...." or "That happened to me when...."
Just close your mouth and listen.
Thank you,
EVERYONE
P.S. Oh, and CHEW WITYH YOUR MOUTH SHUT!
tri-man 47
Footballguy
Dear coworker (or, more likely, university student):
OK, I kind of get the fact that you don't want your butt cheeks to touch the toilet seat, so you line the seat with squares of toilet paper. But why do you leave the TP on the seat after you're done? Does it not occur to you that by protecting your own sensitive buttocks, you're leaving a greater risk of germs to the next user who has to clear the seat so that they can use the toilet?
Thanks,
Your non-phobia friends
OK, I kind of get the fact that you don't want your butt cheeks to touch the toilet seat, so you line the seat with squares of toilet paper. But why do you leave the TP on the seat after you're done? Does it not occur to you that by protecting your own sensitive buttocks, you're leaving a greater risk of germs to the next user who has to clear the seat so that they can use the toilet?
Thanks,
Your non-phobia friends
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