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Literal Joke Thread (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Thorn
- Start date
Parrothead
Footballguy
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says,
"This is your lucky night. I've got a special offer for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300,ANYTHING, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time, lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly,
"Paint my house."
"This is your lucky night. I've got a special offer for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300,ANYTHING, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time, lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly,
"Paint my house."
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: It's called "cheese" whether you've purchased it or not.
A: It's called "cheese" whether you've purchased it or not.
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
Q: Which flower talks the most?
A: They all talk an equal amount. That's to say no type of flower has the ability to talk whatsoever.
A: They all talk an equal amount. That's to say no type of flower has the ability to talk whatsoever.
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he banked heavily on Trump's defeat but needs a job now.
Because he banked heavily on Trump's defeat but needs a job now.
MikeIke
Footballguy
What's the difference between Congress and a pile of cow poop?
Congress is made up of elected human officials whose job is to make laws. A pile of cow poop is solid waste created by a large bovine mammal after the food it's eaten has been digested and the body removes the waste matter that was left over.
Congress is made up of elected human officials whose job is to make laws. A pile of cow poop is solid waste created by a large bovine mammal after the food it's eaten has been digested and the body removes the waste matter that was left over.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
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tri-man 47
Footballguy
skol asylum
Footballguy
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
He was dead.
Frostillicus
Footballguy
Amanda H?Thorn said:
Man of Constant Sorrow
Footballguy
You a fellow Ky-ian...right?
Heard this one b4?
Q: Why did the possum cross the road?
A: It was my damn dinner time mf'er!
EDIT: This is a 2nd variation -
Q: Why did the possum get run over in the road?
A: It was my damn dinner time mf'er!
I prefer the 1st, cause it requires more thinkin' from the listener - but - it is sometimes missed...also, the 1st variation allows for another interpretation ----- as if the possum were runnin' away - like they that smart an all - bah!
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Terminalxylem
Footballguy
Great thread
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
wazoo11
Footballguy
boots11234
Footballguy
Dot
KiddLattimer
Footballguy
My dad loves to use this one when we see birds flying south in a V...
"Do you know why one side is longer than the other?"
(person tries to come up with a scientific explanation why)
"There's more birds on that side."
"Do you know why one side is longer than the other?"
(person tries to come up with a scientific explanation why)
"There's more birds on that side."
TheIronSheik
SUPER ELITE UPPER TIER
A local city was getting ready to outfit all of their streets with new telephone polls. They had three contract companies that submitted equal prices: A group of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a group of Polish men.
They decided to assign each team a street and see how many they could install in a day. They would decide who the winner was at sundown.
When the sunset, the three teams came to city hall to report their work. The mayor asked the Irishmen how many they installed and they proudly replied, "Turty tree." The mayor was impressed. He then asked the Italians how many they did and they replied, "Hey, yo, like 62 or something. Fugetaboutit." The mayor smiled with approval. Then he asked the Polish group how many they did and they replied proudly, "Five, your honor."
Confused, the mayor said, "Five? Why are you so proud if you only did five when the other teams did so many more?" The Polish guys said, "Sure they did more, but did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?"
The mayor then explained that the poles needed to leave that much above ground to hang the telephone wires. The Polish group apologized and explained that they misunderstood what the challenge was. The mayor gave the contract to the Italians who then hired illegal immigrants to cut costs. There was a terrible uproar over how the situation was handled and the mayor resigned his position a month later over the scandal. To this day, the city is still working on getting new telephone poles installed.
They decided to assign each team a street and see how many they could install in a day. They would decide who the winner was at sundown.
When the sunset, the three teams came to city hall to report their work. The mayor asked the Irishmen how many they installed and they proudly replied, "Turty tree." The mayor was impressed. He then asked the Italians how many they did and they replied, "Hey, yo, like 62 or something. Fugetaboutit." The mayor smiled with approval. Then he asked the Polish group how many they did and they replied proudly, "Five, your honor."
Confused, the mayor said, "Five? Why are you so proud if you only did five when the other teams did so many more?" The Polish guys said, "Sure they did more, but did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?"
The mayor then explained that the poles needed to leave that much above ground to hang the telephone wires. The Polish group apologized and explained that they misunderstood what the challenge was. The mayor gave the contract to the Italians who then hired illegal immigrants to cut costs. There was a terrible uproar over how the situation was handled and the mayor resigned his position a month later over the scandal. To this day, the city is still working on getting new telephone poles installed.
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
Q. What has hundreds of ears but can’t hear a thing?
A. The Beverly School for the Deaf
A. The Beverly School for the Deaf
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
Q: How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night?
A: Unless you want to risk getting arrested for breaking and entering or trespassing you are better off not even trying.
A: Unless you want to risk getting arrested for breaking and entering or trespassing you are better off not even trying.
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
Q. Why do ducks make great detectives?
A. A duck would actually make a pretty terrible detective if you really think about it. It has terrible cognitive skills and is mostly concerned with finding food and avoiding predators.
A. A duck would actually make a pretty terrible detective if you really think about it. It has terrible cognitive skills and is mostly concerned with finding food and avoiding predators.
E Street Brat
Footballguy
What's brown and rhymes with snoop
Dr.Dre
Dr.Dre
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Don't Noonan
Footballguy
My new doctor is a beautiful woman. On my first visit she told me the weirdest thing. She told me I had to stop masterbating. I asked her why and she said "so I can examine you."
WDIK2
Footballguy
Not sure if this fits here.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
The man behind the bar says, "Yes, I'm Steve. I'm your bartender."
The termite shouts, "YOU HIRED ORKIN TO EXTERMINATE MY ENTIRE FAMILY! NOW I"M GOING TO EXTERMINATE YOU!"
It wasn't much of a fight. Termites are tiny insects.
Alternate punchline #1
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
The man behind the bar says, "Yes, I'm Steve. I'm your bartender."
The termite shouts, "YOU HIRED ORKIN TO EXTERMINATE MY ENTIRE FAMILY! NOW I"M GOING TO EXTERMINATE YOU!"
It wasn't much of a fight. Termites are tiny insects.
Alternate punchline #1
"...I'm your bartender"
Termite: You don't get the joke do you?
Alternate punchline #2
"....I'm your bartender."
The termite whips out his gun and shouts, "YOU HIRED ORKIN TO...."
Steve was unharmed. Imagine how small the gun would have to be for a termite to conceal it.
Alternate punchline #3
..."NOW I"M GOING TO EXTERMINATE YOU!"
The 12 inch pianist abruptly stopped playing. 3 guys walked out of the bar and all of them ducked this time. The horse at the end of the bar looked a little down, but he always looks that way....
Termite: You don't get the joke do you?
Alternate punchline #2
"....I'm your bartender."
The termite whips out his gun and shouts, "YOU HIRED ORKIN TO...."
Steve was unharmed. Imagine how small the gun would have to be for a termite to conceal it.
Alternate punchline #3
..."NOW I"M GOING TO EXTERMINATE YOU!"
The 12 inch pianist abruptly stopped playing. 3 guys walked out of the bar and all of them ducked this time. The horse at the end of the bar looked a little down, but he always looks that way....
Thorn
Footballguy
Ignoratio Elenchi
Footballguy
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a jack and...
...
...coke."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "Sorry, I was just lost in thought for a moment."
...
...coke."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "Sorry, I was just lost in thought for a moment."
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