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Suicide (1 Viewer)

johnnycakes said:
Rohn Jambo said:
johnnycakes said:
shadyridr said:
TheIronSheik said:
Missed your post johnny. Glad you've made it a year to tell that story. You have a lot of friends here, GB. :thumbup:
Click to expand...
read it again
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Yeah... that was just a few weeks ago, Sheik. Still struggling with major depression... good thing the cops took my guns. Every day is a struggle... just trying to make it to tomorrow.
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Hi Johnnycakes, how are you doing?I hope you do something fun every week and get outside for some fresh air and sunshine whenever the weather is nicer.
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Thanks, Rohn. It has been a real roller coaster ride since they let me go December 30. it seems very, very small things can send me into a real tailspin... it is as if I'm a different person after the Christmas Day incident. Like, I can be doing just fine... then a small thing can come up (like my wife calling me at work that the smoke alarms are blaring at home and I need to come home to shut them off because she doesn't know how to do it (neither do I... I had to call Kidde)) and just send me into a downward spiral and the mood can change from "ok" to really not "ok" in just a matter of minutes). Going to bed early (7pm - 8pm) just to get to the next day.

Overall, the days are getting better, but the first half of January.... several times I was real close to hanging myself (now that they took the guns away). The main reason I didn't was if I weren't successful, it would be a violation of probation and back to jail I would go. So if I'm going to do that, I need a really high percentage shot, pun intended. Up in NH, I can still get access to a gun by going to a gun range, showing my driver's license... I can access the range's firearms and ammo on their site without my LTC or FID. Interesting article here, btw. It just seems like right now I'm getting 1-2 good days for every really bad day. I finally have the meds straightened out with insurance... my PCP had me change providers to a shrink and a social worker at Harvard Vanguard, too. I come here and when I'm feeling better I try to make some lighthearted post, but overall I'm not in a really good space right now. That said, I have no plan to kill myself this very minute. Just hanging in there.
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This makes me sad.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this ... I don't know you, but you seem like a good guy. :shrug: I hope you find living peace one day.

And I hope you find the appropriate help to keep you alive.

:heart:

 
I’ve been reading this thread and I thought I would add my story. Maybe it will help me. I don’t know.

September 7th, 2013. Less than four months after my wife left me and my daughters and just five weeks after my dad died of a massive heart attack I took my youngest daughter to Kennywood, a local amusement park. We were there with some family members and things seemed to be going great.

We were in line for a ride. The line was moving very slow. I happened to see a carving in the wood that supported another ride. It said “Tony and Jess 4 Ever”. My name and the ex wife’s. A panic attack hit me like I never experienced before. My heart was beating through my chest. It felt like I was going to pass out. My daughter and I left.

After we got home, she went to her bedroom to gather up some clothes so I could take her to her friends for a sleepover. I sat on the couch and started to cry. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t understand what was going on. On the way home, I screamed for help. To my dad. To God (I’m not even religious). To anyone.

I didn’t want to live. It’s not that I wanted to die but I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Still am. I had lost 32 pounds and was ashamed to look in the mirror. Failing at marriage was something that never crossed my mind. Having to make the decision to take my dad off of life support turned out to be something I was not ready for.

I stopped at home and got my gun. I drove to the end of the street and stopped at the stop sign. I was either going to make a left and go to the river or make a right and run the track at the high school. I’m not sure how long I sat there. It seemed forever. I don’t even remember driving to the school but that’s where I ended up.

I walked for 4 hours. Crying and talking to a friend. He came and picked me up and took me home. I still have days like those. The last week or so has been horrible. I try my best not to dwell on the past but it’s very hard. Anyways, that’s my story. Thanks for reading.

 
toenail_23 said:
I’ve been reading this thread and I thought I would add my story. Maybe it will help me. I don’t know.

September 7th, 2013. Less than four months after my wife left me and my daughters and just five weeks after my dad died of a massive heart attack I took my youngest daughter to Kennywood, a local amusement park. We were there with some family members and things seemed to be going great.

We were in line for a ride. The line was moving very slow. I happened to see a carving in the wood that supported another ride. It said “Tony and Jess 4 Ever”. My name and the ex wife’s. A panic attack hit me like I never experienced before. My heart was beating through my chest. It felt like I was going to pass out. My daughter and I left.

After we got home, she went to her bedroom to gather up some clothes so I could take her to her friends for a sleepover. I sat on the couch and started to cry. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t understand what was going on. On the way home, I screamed for help. To my dad. To God (I’m not even religious). To anyone.

I didn’t want to live. It’s not that I wanted to die but I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Still am. I had lost 32 pounds and was ashamed to look in the mirror. Failing at marriage was something that never crossed my mind. Having to make the decision to take my dad off of life support turned out to be something I was not ready for.

I stopped at home and got my gun. I drove to the end of the street and stopped at the stop sign. I was either going to make a left and go to the river or make a right and run the track at the high school. I’m not sure how long I sat there. It seemed forever. I don’t even remember driving to the school but that’s where I ended up.

I walked for 4 hours. Crying and talking to a friend. He came and picked me up and took me home. I still have days like those. The last week or so has been horrible. I try my best not to dwell on the past but it’s very hard. Anyways, that’s my story. Thanks for reading.
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Toenail, glad you are still here to post this story. It sucks when you keeping thinking about something you did or something that happened in the past. And you keep saying 'Damn, if I had done that and then that happened, it would be all the better"

Sometimes you brain can be a real sadistic M'fer. Glad you posted this and keep posting

 
Johnny-

So sorry you are having such difficulty. Is there someone you can call 24/7 to talk you down when you are feeling like you can't take it anymore? I know your wife is a good support but I really think if you haven't joined a support group that you really should. The more support the better. I know NAMI is a good national one and when I was looking into it for my cousin back when, one gal gave me her phone number to call day or night. It's amazing how supportive people in the same boat are to one another despite their own struggles. You'd think folks are too immersed in their own issues to care about someone they don't know, but I was pleasantly surprised when I used to visit my cousin in the hospital.

I urge you to not figure a way around this "I want to do it but if I don't succeed I'm back in jail" thought but to ask for help, from someone, anyone. The more support you have the better and it's not hard to get it if you reach out. It will make a difference. Plus in support groups you are also sharing and contributing, which helps build your self esteem in that just perhaps you can help someone. It goes both ways and it is rewarding.

Many hugs to you.

 
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.

 
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johnnycakes said:
Rohn Jambo said:
johnnycakes said:
shadyridr said:
TheIronSheik said:
Missed your post johnny. Glad you've made it a year to tell that story. You have a lot of friends here, GB. :thumbup:
Click to expand...
read it again
Click to expand...
Yeah... that was just a few weeks ago, Sheik. Still struggling with major depression... good thing the cops took my guns. Every day is a struggle... just trying to make it to tomorrow.
Click to expand...
Hi Johnnycakes, how are you doing?I hope you do something fun every week and get outside for some fresh air and sunshine whenever the weather is nicer.
Click to expand...
Thanks, Rohn. It has been a real roller coaster ride since they let me go December 30. it seems very, very small things can send me into a real tailspin... it is as if I'm a different person after the Christmas Day incident. Like, I can be doing just fine... then a small thing can come up (like my wife calling me at work that the smoke alarms are blaring at home and I need to come home to shut them off because she doesn't know how to do it (neither do I... I had to call Kidde)) and just send me into a downward spiral and the mood can change from "ok" to really not "ok" in just a matter of minutes). Going to bed early (7pm - 8pm) just to get to the next day. Overall, the days are getting better, but the first half of January.... several times I was real close to hanging myself (now that they took the guns away). The main reason I didn't was if I weren't successful, it would be a violation of probation and back to jail I would go. So if I'm going to do that, I need a really high percentage shot, pun intended. Up in NH, I can still get access to a gun by going to a gun range, showing my driver's license... I can access the range's firearms and ammo on their site without my LTC or FID. Interesting article here, btw. It just seems like right now I'm getting 1-2 good days for every really bad day. I finally have the meds straightened out with insurance... my PCP had me change providers to a shrink and a social worker at Harvard Vanguard, too. I come here and when I'm feeling better I try to make some lighthearted post, but overall I'm not in a really good space right now. That said, I have no plan to kill myself this very minute. Just hanging in there.
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Johnnycakes, I think about you everyday. It will take many baby steps but I hope you will get more and more good days over time. Have you discussed with your shrink about why little things get you in a bad mood? May you he or she can suggest some ideas on what you can do to not let them ruin your day? I think CurlyNight's suggestion of joining a support group is a good idea, and you can post here or PM me even when you don't feel lighthearted.
 
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CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
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I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.

 
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story, toenail_23. Did you find anything else that helped you?
 
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Therapy is hit and miss and depends on your therapist and the type of therapy they are using. But there are some that it doesn't work for. Keep yourself busy with stuff you enjoy doing. Hang around only positive people and situations the best you can. Lean on your friends/family for support. Exercising whatever form can really help improve mood. Give yourself all the time you need but just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

 
Rohn Jambo said:
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story, toenail_23. Did you find anything else that helped you?
Click to expand...
I was on 200mg of Zoloft and a small dosage of Abilify. That seemed to help but I slowly took myself off.

 
toenail_23 said:
Rohn Jambo said:
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story, toenail_23. Did you find anything else that helped you?
Click to expand...
I was on 200mg of Zoloft and a small dosage of Abilify. That seemed to help but I slowly took myself off.
Click to expand...
Are you seeing a psychiatrist or who is prescribing this?

 
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23 said:
Rohn Jambo said:
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story, toenail_23. Did you find anything else that helped you?
Click to expand...
I was on 200mg of Zoloft and a small dosage of Abilify. That seemed to help but I slowly took myself off.
Click to expand...
Are you seeing a psychiatrist or who is prescribing this?
Click to expand...
I was.

 
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23 said:
Rohn Jambo said:
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story, toenail_23. Did you find anything else that helped you?
Click to expand...
I was on 200mg of Zoloft and a small dosage of Abilify. That seemed to help but I slowly took myself off.
Click to expand...
Are you seeing a psychiatrist or who is prescribing this?
Click to expand...
I was.
Click to expand...
Why did you stop the meds? I'm thinking that you should see him/her or another psych if you didn't care for that one and discuss options to include perhaps starting on something low dose. I assume this was back when everything was more fresh then you thought you felt better and then stopped?

 
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23 said:
Rohn Jambo said:
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story, toenail_23. Did you find anything else that helped you?
Click to expand...
I was on 200mg of Zoloft and a small dosage of Abilify. That seemed to help but I slowly took myself off.
Click to expand...
Are you seeing a psychiatrist or who is prescribing this?
Click to expand...
I was.
Click to expand...
Why did you stop the meds? I'm thinking that you should see him/her or another psych if you didn't care for that one and discuss options to include perhaps starting on something low dose. I assume this was back when everything was more fresh then you thought you felt better and then stopped?
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Few different reasons. I was feeling better at the time and I wasn't sure they were helping anymore. The cost of seeing the psychiatrist every month was getting expensive .And, I guess I didn't wan't to take them anymore. They're all bad excuses. I haven't taken any pills since before Thanksgiving. I was doing fine until I signed my divorce papers. It's been downhill ever since.

 
toenail_23 said:
Rohn Jambo said:
toenail_23 said:
CurlyNight said:
toenail_23

I'm glad you didn't make the left turn. You've had a ton of stuff hit it all at once in that time frame so it's not uncommon to have the feelings you do. It's going to take time and you have to give yourself that. You can't look at the calendar and think I should be ok by now, if you are doing this, because everyone is different. You may benefit from therapy if you find you can't quite do it on your own or with your current support people. Take advantage of the people who care about you by asking for support/help, and also the people here in this thread are supportive and we want you to keep us posted.

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
I tried therapy for about 8 months or so. I didn't feel t helped.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your story, toenail_23. Did you find anything else that helped you?
Click to expand...
I was on 200mg of Zoloft and a small dosage of Abilify. That seemed to help but I slowly took myself off.
Click to expand...
A divorce and the death of a parent are painful events that will take anyone a long time to recover, much less both happening at the same time. It is very common for people to become depressed to different degrees. Please allow your medication to give you a helping hand. There is no fixed time table but if you combine that with staying active then it will eventually take less effort to enjoy life again.
 
It's not uncommon to hear people slowly take themselves off the meds once they feel they are fine now. My suggestion is to make an appt with your psych or another one if you want to start fresh and see if there is something he recommends at low dose for where you are at now. Sometimes you need a crutch to get through. It sounds like this would help as it did help you before. In combination of what I listed above imo should help you.

ETA: Many pcps will handle your rxs. They'd want you to go in with a diagnoses and see what you are on now but they can take over just handing out the rx so you don't have to pay for a psych visit just to get an rx/refill.

 
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CurlyNight said:
It's not uncommon to hear people slowly take themselves off the meds once they feel they are fine now. My suggestion is to make an appt with your psych or another one if you want to start fresh and see if there is something he recommends at low dose for where you are at now. Sometimes you need a crutch to get through. It sounds like this would help as it did help you before. In combination of what I listed above imo should help you.
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Curly, can getting off the medication too quickly make some people feel extra depressed?

 
Rohn Jambo said:
CurlyNight said:
It's not uncommon to hear people slowly take themselves off the meds once they feel they are fine now. My suggestion is to make an appt with your psych or another one if you want to start fresh and see if there is something he recommends at low dose for where you are at now. Sometimes you need a crutch to get through. It sounds like this would help as it did help you before. In combination of what I listed above imo should help you.
Click to expand...
Curly, can getting off the medication too quickly make some people feel extra depressed?
Click to expand...
It'll make you feel sick as that is the side effect of getting off quickly (as in stopping rather than slowly weaning), but ADs have built up in your system if you took then for 4-6 weeks at least so it does take a little while to feel that side effect as the levels decrease in your system.

Is that what you are asking or do you mean take it for a week then stop? If this is what you mean then no. It hasn't had time to do anything at all.

 
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CurlyNight said:
Rohn Jambo said:
CurlyNight said:
It's not uncommon to hear people slowly take themselves off the meds once they feel they are fine now. My suggestion is to make an appt with your psych or another one if you want to start fresh and see if there is something he recommends at low dose for where you are at now. Sometimes you need a crutch to get through. It sounds like this would help as it did help you before. In combination of what I listed above imo should help you.
Click to expand...
Curly, can getting off the medication too quickly make some people feel extra depressed?
Click to expand...
It'll make you feel sick as that is the side effect of getting off quickly (as in stopping rather than slowly weaning), but ADs have built up in your system if you took then for 4-6 weeks at least so it does take a little while to feel that side effect as the levels decrease in your system.Is that what you are asking or do you mean take it for a week then stop? If this is what you mean then no. It hasn't had time to do anything at all.
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I mean taking it for a while and then stopping too quickly instead of reducing the dosage more gradually (with doctor's supervision).
 
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I'm not sure but it would seem to me that the only difference would be is whether you are going to experience the ill side effects and to what extent. The depression is also dependent on how you are doing aside from the med factor so it may not necessarily lead to worsening of your depression if you go too fast off of the meds. But imo it's wise to stay on at least a low dose of whatever is working until what you are needing help with is resolved, especially with such big life events. I have a friend who is on low dose 20 mg Prozac to maintain as she is trying to get over the tragic loss of her daughter. It helps her in combination of what I've suggested to toenail.

 
I have two friends that with in the last month have told me they are on anti depressants. Im not totally surprised as I could tell they were not always in a good place. What advice would you give me to help them? I want to be their for them.

 
Wooderson said:
I have two friends that with in the last month have told me they are on anti depressants. Im not totally surprised as I could tell they were not always in a good place. What advice would you give me to help them? I want to be their for them.
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That's the best advice is what just gave yourself for your friends. People who are depressed often very feel alone regardless of what it may look like on the outside. This tends to lead them to isolate themselves because they feel this way, they remain alone, and it becomes a catch 22. Be there for them, listen to them without judgement, try to get them to go out/participate in fun activities. Stick by them if it gets hairy for them unless it starts affecting you adversely, in which then you'd need to evaluate how you are doing in the process as well. That's about all you can do as the rest is for them to work through.

 
I was watching House of Cards the other night. I won't go into too much depth, but at one point it is said that it doesn't take strength to commit suicide, that it's a cowardly act.

As someone who has thought about it over the years, I always thought the opposite: I could never actually go through with it. I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger, slit my wrists, hang myself, etc. It isn't fair to family and friends. I'm not strong enough to do what I've thought of doing.

I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.

I need a quick fix. The quickest is probably the most permanent - but it isn't easy. Thankfully, I guess, I don't even have the money to buy a gun at this point.

Maybe I will be OK in a week again. These things seem to come and go.

 
bweiser said:
I was watching House of Cards the other night. I won't go into too much depth, but at one point it is said that it doesn't take strength to commit suicide, that it's a cowardly act.

As someone who has thought about it over the years, I always thought the opposite: I could never actually go through with it. I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger, slit my wrists, hang myself, etc. It isn't fair to family and friends. I'm not strong enough to do what I've thought of doing.

I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.

I need a quick fix. The quickest is probably the most permanent - but it isn't easy. Thankfully, I guess, I don't even have the money to buy a gun at this point.

Maybe I will be OK in a week again. These things seem to come and go.
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All I can say is hang in there. Once you hit bottom there is only one other way to go and that is up. Quit thinking about things as a whole and focus on fixing one thing, it doesn't matter a small it is. Once you do that, let yourself feel good about and when you are ready, focus on another thing and improve that. One foot in front of the other and one step at a time brother. Good luck.

 
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Good luck bweiser. Agree w FatUncleJerry. Focus on your daughter! I know its not easy.. most anyone clicking in this thread can understand its not easy. But its worth it. Post here as much as is helpful.

 
You have to find someone to talk to man. It will be difficult but it's crucial. If not your family or friends then a therapist. About a year and a half ago I spent 3 weeks in inpatient therapy following a failed suicide attempt. Talking with the doctors and other patients was very helpful.

You don't want to go through this alone. Please reach out to someone. There are many people out there who want to help you.

 
bweiser said:
I was watching House of Cards the other night. I won't go into too much depth, but at one point it is said that it doesn't take strength to commit suicide, that it's a cowardly act.

As someone who has thought about it over the years, I always thought the opposite: I could never actually go through with it. I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger, slit my wrists, hang myself, etc. It isn't fair to family and friends. I'm not strong enough to do what I've thought of doing.

I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.

I need a quick fix. The quickest is probably the most permanent - but it isn't easy. Thankfully, I guess, I don't even have the money to buy a gun at this point.

Maybe I will be OK in a week again. These things seem to come and go.
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I've seen suicide as both brave and cowardly acts - it's like any other dramatic crossroad in life. I can tell you it is not based in morality, though morality can be what brings one to that point. The great part of the time, though, it's unnecessary. Take it from a person who has wished himself dead at several points each week for almost a decade. So far, i've found at least one more reason each time.

Life is such an extraordinary gift that it's worth going through the whole range of ways of fixing it before ending it. You owe yourself and your family at least one more act of courage before even thinking about hows and whens. GL -

 
bweiser said:
I was watching House of Cards the other night. I won't go into too much depth, but at one point it is said that it doesn't take strength to commit suicide, that it's a cowardly act.

As someone who has thought about it over the years, I always thought the opposite: I could never actually go through with it. I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger, slit my wrists, hang myself, etc. It isn't fair to family and friends. I'm not strong enough to do what I've thought of doing.

I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.

I need a quick fix. The quickest is probably the most permanent - but it isn't easy. Thankfully, I guess, I don't even have the money to buy a gun at this point.

Maybe I will be OK in a week again. These things seem to come and go.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry, man. I wish there were quick fixes - but there are usually only long, difficult fixes. They are usually worth it, though.

 
bweiser said:
I was watching House of Cards the other night. I won't go into too much depth, but at one point it is said that it doesn't take strength to commit suicide, that it's a cowardly act.

As someone who has thought about it over the years, I always thought the opposite: I could never actually go through with it. I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger, slit my wrists, hang myself, etc. It isn't fair to family and friends. I'm not strong enough to do what I've thought of doing.

I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.

I need a quick fix. The quickest is probably the most permanent - but it isn't easy. Thankfully, I guess, I don't even have the money to buy a gun at this point.

Maybe I will be OK in a week again. These things seem to come and go.
Click to expand...
Tell me more about this wrong person.

 
Buck Bradcanon said:
Good luck bweiser. Agree w FatUncleJerry. Focus on your daughter! I know its not easy.. most anyone clicking in this thread can understand its not easy. But its worth it. Post here as much as is helpful.
Click to expand...
Years from now, imagine her looking back and proudly remembering how you fought through this difficult stretch. I don't like the other side of this..of her looking back with an empty heart and too many unanswered questions (including: Why didn't he just talk to me?). How old is your daughter? If she's old enough, you probably could talk to her. As children grow, they see the chinks in our armor ...they know we're not perfect (and eventually, they watch us regress). Let her unconditional love help to carry you through.

Best wishes to you.

 
bweiser said:
I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.
Click to expand...
Is your "sort of girlfriend" the toxic one that ran up a big gambling debt this past summer? I remember she was dragging you down, and you were thinking of getting a loan. What has transpired over the last few months that has led you back to these feelings of despair again? You can change your life, bweiser. It may be hard making that change, but you can do it, and it will be worth it.

 
simey said:
bweiser said:
I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.
Click to expand...
Is your "sort of girlfriend" the toxic one that ran up a big gambling debt this past summer? I remember she was dragging you down, and you were thinking of getting a loan. What has transpired over the last few months that has led you back to these feelings of despair again? You can change your life, bweiser. It may be hard making that change, but you can do it, and it will be worth it.
Click to expand...
Yes. Basically the same thing happened all over again. She owes me even more and if she doesn't pay me back like NOW, I can't pay rent, cable, car payment, etc.

For those who mentioned my daughter, i should mention she's 25, not a youngster.

The wrong person is a loan shark.

 
bweiser said:
simey said:
bweiser said:
I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.
Click to expand...
Is your "sort of girlfriend" the toxic one that ran up a big gambling debt this past summer? I remember she was dragging you down, and you were thinking of getting a loan. What has transpired over the last few months that has led you back to these feelings of despair again? You can change your life, bweiser. It may be hard making that change, but you can do it, and it will be worth it.
Click to expand...
Yes. Basically the same thing happened all over again. She owes me even more and if she doesn't pay me back like NOW, I can't pay rent, cable, car payment, etc.

For those who mentioned my daughter, i should mention she's 25, not a youngster.

The wrong person is a loan shark.
Click to expand...
You really need to cut the "girlfriend" out of your life and don't consider her your "girlfriend". She's bad news for you, bud. I don't care if she's giving you the #### or just teasing you with the ####. She needs to go.

Also, I think I remember you saying something about playing poker for a living. Dude, there's nothing wrong with playing poker part time and having a normal job. Even if it's a crappy, low paying job to start.....it's a job. Go to work, play a little poker here and there (conservatively, of course), rub one out every now and again, join a gym, etc.....life is good, man.

Hang in there and best of luck to you.

 
bweiser said:
simey said:
bweiser said:
I am at that point again ... thinking of ending it all. I have no one to talk to about it. My best friend's daughter killed herself about two years ago. I won't tell him how I feel because I don't want to bring up those memories. Tell my daughter? What point would there be in that? Talk to my sort of girlfriend? She's one of the biggest reasons I'm in this predicament.

I have no job. I have no future. I'm in debt to the wrong person.
Click to expand...
Is your "sort of girlfriend" the toxic one that ran up a big gambling debt this past summer? I remember she was dragging you down, and you were thinking of getting a loan. What has transpired over the last few months that has led you back to these feelings of despair again? You can change your life, bweiser. It may be hard making that change, but you can do it, and it will be worth it.
Click to expand...
Yes. Basically the same thing happened all over again. She owes me even more and if she doesn't pay me back like NOW, I can't pay rent, cable, car payment, etc.

For those who mentioned my daughter, i should mention she's 25, not a youngster.

The wrong person is a loan shark.
Click to expand...
It's tough to offer advice in the spots where you won't take it.

Sounds like you are employable based on previous interactions.

If the attitude is "even a job won't be enough" then there's not much one can offer in way of advice other than disagreeing.

It will help - set up a payment plan with whomever you owe and stay away from her and the casino...period.

This can be done my friend, it starts with the job for you. Keeps you working; out of the casino and away from her.

What line of work are/were you in? I know you live close by, I know people in many fields. I can keep my ears open, but you have to want it.

There's lots of people here for you; lots of people who think of this thread and think of you and hope you make it. Let us help by first heeding the advice here. Then we can work on the next step. Please talk to someone. Reach out to someone; reach out to me if you want. I can't and won't pay your debts, but I can be a friend. Please hang in there. Keep us posted. Post 40 times a day if you have to, if it keeps you busy and yields some good advice. Hang in there and don't do anything until you can accept the advice here, and then we can help you make a plan to dig out.

Best wishes...

JB

 
I was a newspaper copy editor. It's not something I WANT to do again; but I guess it is something I have to consider.

As for poker, I've proven to myself that I can beat the game, even though I am in a downswing. There's a saying: Every professional poker player has gone bust at some time in their careers. I am at that point.

And the fact that I know I am a winner at the game is a big reason why I can't get myself motivated to getting a job. I know I shouldn't have to.

 
bweiser said:
I was a newspaper copy editor. It's not something I WANT to do again; but I guess it is something I have to consider.

As for poker, I've proven to myself that I can beat the game, even though I am in a downswing. There's a saying: Every professional poker player has gone bust at some time in their careers. I am at that point.

And the fact that I know I am a winner at the game is a big reason why I can't get myself motivated to getting a job. I know I shouldn't have to.
Click to expand...
:bs: And therein lies a big part of the problem.

ETA: Check it out, bweiser. You're in debt up to your eyebrows from gambling. In debt to a loan shark. Contemplating suicide. Gambling is to you as booze is to an alcoholic. At least it seems that way from my seat.

 
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bweiser said:
I was a newspaper copy editor. It's not something I WANT to do again; but I guess it is something I have to consider.

As for poker, I've proven to myself that I can beat the game, even though I am in a downswing. There's a saying: Every professional poker player has gone bust at some time in their careers. I am at that point.

And the fact that I know I am a winner at the game is a big reason why I can't get myself motivated to getting a job. I know I shouldn't have to.
Click to expand...
You've talked about the poker thing before and many of us gave you the same advice back then. It seems like you're unwilling to take advice so I'm not sure what the FBG community can do to help you at this point. Regardless, I'll try one more time.

If you really want to get out of this predicament, you need to quit poker and gambling immediately. I don't care if you're a winning player or not. You have 0 bankroll right now. There is too much variance in poker when you have 0 bankroll. It will also affect the way you play your game.

Second, You NEED to get a job so that you can bring in a steady flow of income. A job will also keep you busy and possibly even help to keep your mind away from these depressing thoughts. Hell get 2 jobs if you have to. Work your ### off and set up a payment plan with the loan collector (as somebody else suggested).

Third, dump the girlfriend. Why are you still with her? She's poison.

Fourth, I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with your daughter but assuming you have a decent relationship, stay in communication with her. She might be your only lifeline at this point.

All of these things will help to get you back on the right track but you have to be motivated to change. It feels like you're in a hopeless pit right now but you're really not. You definitely have "outs". Good luck and definitely keep us updated.

 
bweiser, seems like the people who lost their daughter would be the perfect people to talk to about this. They know how serious a request for help is.

 
bweiser said:
I was a newspaper copy editor. It's not something I WANT to do again; but I guess it is something I have to consider.

As for poker, I've proven to myself that I can beat the game, even though I am in a downswing. There's a saying: Every professional poker player has gone bust at some time in their careers. I am at that point.

And the fact that I know I am a winner at the game is a big reason why I can't get myself motivated to getting a job. I know I shouldn't have to.
Click to expand...
That saying stems from many things: too low of a bankroll, too low of a "life expense" roll, playing too high of a level, being stubborn about moving down a level, not keeping accurate records about winning hourly rates, throwing money away on other gambling such as sports and blackjack, drugs, women, etc. etc.

Not saying any of these definitely apply to you but it does sound like a few might. I hate to say it but you have to man up here and put poker on hold. Get your stuff together. You can definitely do this. You just have to want to do it.

 
However, the main reason so few players will ever show a long-term profit -- minimal or enough to live on -- is ...

5.) The "rake" casinos and online sites charge, which is the money they take out of each pot (or the hourly seat fee some charge for no-limit games) that allows them to stay in business most profitably.

Consider the following typical example, and the inevitability that follows:

Generally speaking, most casinos and online sites will take $4 out of any reasonably-sized pot. If you play, say, 60 hands per hour in a 10-handed $10-20 game online, the site will wind up taking about $240 out of the game. So, in theory, if you play with the same 10 players for 40 hours over a week, and all the players are fairly evenly matched in ability, and all have a similar amount of luck -- good and bad -- during that time, the casino/site will have taken about $10,000 out of the game by the end of the week. This means that if each player starts with a $1,000 bankroll -- which is a reasonable amount to take part in a $10-20 game -- by the end of the week, everybody would be completely broke. (And if you play in two or more games simultaneously -- especially of they are six-handed games or, worse, high-speed games -- it might not take anywhere near a week.)
Click to expand...
 
cstu said:
However, the main reason so few players will ever show a long-term profit -- minimal or enough to live on -- is ...

5.) The "rake" casinos and online sites charge, which is the money they take out of each pot (or the hourly seat fee some charge for no-limit games) that allows them to stay in business most profitably.

Consider the following typical example, and the inevitability that follows:

Generally speaking, most casinos and online sites will take $4 out of any reasonably-sized pot. If you play, say, 60 hands per hour in a 10-handed $10-20 game online, the site will wind up taking about $240 out of the game. So, in theory, if you play with the same 10 players for 40 hours over a week, and all the players are fairly evenly matched in ability, and all have a similar amount of luck -- good and bad -- during that time, the casino/site will have taken about $10,000 out of the game by the end of the week. This means that if each player starts with a $1,000 bankroll -- which is a reasonable amount to take part in a $10-20 game -- by the end of the week, everybody would be completely broke. (And if you play in two or more games simultaneously -- especially of they are six-handed games or, worse, high-speed games -- it might not take anywhere near a week.)
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
So much wrong about that I don't even know where to start.

 
eoMMan said:
cstu said:
However, the main reason so few players will ever show a long-term profit -- minimal or enough to live on -- is ...

5.) The "rake" casinos and online sites charge, which is the money they take out of each pot (or the hourly seat fee some charge for no-limit games) that allows them to stay in business most profitably.

Consider the following typical example, and the inevitability that follows:

Generally speaking, most casinos and online sites will take $4 out of any reasonably-sized pot. If you play, say, 60 hands per hour in a 10-handed $10-20 game online, the site will wind up taking about $240 out of the game. So, in theory, if you play with the same 10 players for 40 hours over a week, and all the players are fairly evenly matched in ability, and all have a similar amount of luck -- good and bad -- during that time, the casino/site will have taken about $10,000 out of the game by the end of the week. This means that if each player starts with a $1,000 bankroll -- which is a reasonable amount to take part in a $10-20 game -- by the end of the week, everybody would be completely broke. (And if you play in two or more games simultaneously -- especially of they are six-handed games or, worse, high-speed games -- it might not take anywhere near a week.)
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
So much wrong about that I don't even know where to start.
Click to expand...
Lol @ a $1000 being a "reasonable amount" to take part in a $10-20 game (I assume NL). Good lord. Maybe it was a typo and they meant to say $1-$2 NL :shrug:

ETA -- Don't want to make this about poker. It's mind-boggling to me that he's not motivated to look for a job because he knows he can win at poker.

 
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Get away from poker. Even if you're a long-term winner, the highs and lows will F with your brain chemistry, putting you where you are now. You need stability, security, predictability.

 
sports_fan said:
Why are you so against trying to find a job? When did you last work?
Click to expand...
It is a mental block. I feel like I am being forced to go back to work because I made a bad decision to loan my friend money and she won't pay me back. It's taken a bankroll that should be in 5 figures to 0. It's my fault. I shouldn't have loaned her a cent. But I did. Because when she said 'I pay you back' I thought 'Well, she'll pay me back.' So I blame her as much as I blame myself.

It's not like I can get a job and start working tomorrow.

I left my job last April.

 
bweiser said:
sports_fan said:
Why are you so against trying to find a job? When did you last work?
Click to expand...
It is a mental block. I feel like I am being forced to go back to work because I made a bad decision to loan my friend money and she won't pay me back. It's taken a bankroll that should be in 5 figures to 0. It's my fault. I shouldn't have loaned her a cent. But I did. Because when she said 'I pay you back' I thought 'Well, she'll pay me back.' So I blame her as much as I blame myself.

It's not like I can get a job and start working tomorrow.

I left my job last April.
Click to expand...
If you want to be a professional, act like one. You don't loan someone your bankroll, let alone someone with no way to pay it back.

How are you surviving now with no money and no income?

 
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