Suicide (4 Viewers)

johnnycakes said:

tommyGunZ said:

That part about not having friends is simply not true jc. You're a part of this community and always someone I find to be an interesting read. Just because a group of us regulars (of which you are a part) talk over a message board instead of a phone doesn't mean we aren't "friends".

Hope you can get things turned around, friend.

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I appreciate it.

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johnnycakes said:

My suicide note (rough draft), probably to be executed next April

...

[SIZE=12pt]Let me start by saying I am now at a point where I am desperately unhappy both at home and at work. This has very little to do with anyone else but me. I am simply very unhappy. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]I feel I have failed in my career… the job I have is one that lots would probably like to have, but I have absolutely no contact with any clients, no involvement with any planning that takes place, and, frankly, no challenges. I do not really know any of our clients… what their goals are, what their present needs and concerns are… nothing. Every communication I have with a client goes either through ****** ****** or *** ***********. As a result, work is boring as hell and even somewhat demeaning. I tolerate it because it pays well but most days I am absolutely bored and miserable at work.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]I have lots to be proud of, I suppose. I graduated from Georgetown University (undergrad), passed all four parts of the CPA exam on the first sitting (back in 1983 when one had to know accounting), obtained a master of science in taxation from Bentley University (highest honors), and received a master of science in investment management from Boston University (highest honors), received my CPA designation, along with CFP mark, and CFA charter. Still, I fell very worthless because the work I do is the same work I could have done without having any of that except for the CPA certificate.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]At age 64, it’s not like I can just so easily change jobs, either. I have child support obligations based on my current income level, and there is no way I would match my current income immediately if I were to switch jobs to do anything else. So I am powerless to make any change in my career and still uphold my child support obligations.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]I have no friends at all. Never have, really. I chalk a lot of this up to Asperser’s Syndrome, as I just have a very difficult time relating to other people. Very often I could put on a strong front and joke around and make myself appear like I was happy and doing fine, when deep down, I was dying. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Combine all this together… I feel useless, unproductive, unattractive, and very much alone. My self-esteem is, of course, very low. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]The one thing that has helped me to hang on as long as I have is my son, *****, whom I love dearly. He is a boy who absolutely needs me… God only knows why. As for my other two daughters… ****** does not like me, anyhow, and has explained in detail as to why (it has much to do with my getting remarried), while ******** deals with adversity the best of any of them. I am certain ******** will miss me, but I am also fairly certain she will deal with it better than any of the rest. Logan is the one about whom I am most concerned. ***** is a primary reason why I have not taken any action to end my life before now.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Most recently, trying to buy a family home in Lexington and being turned down time and again for financing, has only served to reinforce my already deep-seated feeling of worthlessness. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]These feelings are not new. When I took out two $1 Million life insurance policies (New York Life on January 4, 2013, and Prudential on March 9, 2013), I was skeptical that I might live to the full term of each of these policies. I purchased those policies at that time because my health – both physical and mental – was particularly good at that time, but was unsure how long that status would last. If things went bad for me, I wanted an easy way out that would not leave the rest of my family in dire financial straits…. This was a large reason why I purchased those insurance policies.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]And later during 2013, I was granted a Class “A” License to carry a concealed firearm. It was never my intention to carry a concealed weapon on a daily basis. Rather, the purpose of obtaining that license was so that I could obtain a weapon with which to kill myself, quickly and as painlessly as possible. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Note that each of the insurance policies (New York Life and Prudential) has two-year suicide exclusion period, so I am hoping to live beyond March 9, 2015 so that the full $2 million may be paid to my beneficiaries.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]There is more insurance on my life that is payable to my ex-wife, ******** *. ******. There is an old late 1990’s vintage term life policy through Northwestern Mutual… this policy would have a death benefit approximating $375,000 right now. In addition, there is life insurance through my employer that names my ex-wife as beneficiary. These policies should pay regardless of circumstances of death. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]In short this is THE one way I can put an end to my misery AND make sure those who depend upon my income are not left short of money. I just hope I can hold off until after March of 2015 so all the policies pay out as I had intended. [/SIZE]

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cstu said:

johnnycakes said:

My suicide note (rough draft), probably to be executed next April

...

[SIZE=12pt]Let me start by saying I am now at a point where I am desperately unhappy both at home and at work. This has very little to do with anyone else but me. I am simply very unhappy. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]I feel I have failed in my career… the job I have is one that lots would probably like to have, but I have absolutely no contact with any clients, no involvement with any planning that takes place, and, frankly, no challenges. I do not really know any of our clients… what their goals are, what their present needs and concerns are… nothing. Every communication I have with a client goes either through ****** ****** or *** ***********. As a result, work is boring as hell and even somewhat demeaning. I tolerate it because it pays well but most days I am absolutely bored and miserable at work.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]I have lots to be proud of, I suppose. I graduated from Georgetown University (undergrad), passed all four parts of the CPA exam on the first sitting (back in 1983 when one had to know accounting), obtained a master of science in taxation from Bentley University (highest honors), and received a master of science in investment management from Boston University (highest honors), received my CPA designation, along with CFP mark, and CFA charter. Still, I fell very worthless because the work I do is the same work I could have done without having any of that except for the CPA certificate.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]At age 64, it’s not like I can just so easily change jobs, either. I have child support obligations based on my current income level, and there is no way I would match my current income immediately if I were to switch jobs to do anything else. So I am powerless to make any change in my career and still uphold my child support obligations.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]I have no friends at all. Never have, really. I chalk a lot of this up to Asperser’s Syndrome, as I just have a very difficult time relating to other people. Very often I could put on a strong front and joke around and make myself appear like I was happy and doing fine, when deep down, I was dying. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Combine all this together… I feel useless, unproductive, unattractive, and very much alone. My self-esteem is, of course, very low. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]The one thing that has helped me to hang on as long as I have is my son, *****, whom I love dearly. He is a boy who absolutely needs me… God only knows why. As for my other two daughters… ****** does not like me, anyhow, and has explained in detail as to why (it has much to do with my getting remarried), while ******** deals with adversity the best of any of them. I am certain ******** will miss me, but I am also fairly certain she will deal with it better than any of the rest. Logan is the one about whom I am most concerned. ***** is a primary reason why I have not taken any action to end my life before now.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Most recently, trying to buy a family home in Lexington and being turned down time and again for financing, has only served to reinforce my already deep-seated feeling of worthlessness. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]These feelings are not new. When I took out two $1 Million life insurance policies (New York Life on January 4, 2013, and Prudential on March 9, 2013), I was skeptical that I might live to the full term of each of these policies. I purchased those policies at that time because my health – both physical and mental – was particularly good at that time, but was unsure how long that status would last. If things went bad for me, I wanted an easy way out that would not leave the rest of my family in dire financial straits…. This was a large reason why I purchased those insurance policies.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]And later during 2013, I was granted a Class “A” License to carry a concealed firearm. It was never my intention to carry a concealed weapon on a daily basis. Rather, the purpose of obtaining that license was so that I could obtain a weapon with which to kill myself, quickly and as painlessly as possible. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]Note that each of the insurance policies (New York Life and Prudential) has two-year suicide exclusion period, so I am hoping to live beyond March 9, 2015 so that the full $2 million may be paid to my beneficiaries.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]There is more insurance on my life that is payable to my ex-wife, ******** *. ******. There is an old late 1990’s vintage term life policy through Northwestern Mutual… this policy would have a death benefit approximating $375,000 right now. In addition, there is life insurance through my employer that names my ex-wife as beneficiary. These policies should pay regardless of circumstances of death. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=12pt]In short this is THE one way I can put an end to my misery AND make sure those who depend upon my income are not left short of money. I just hope I can hold off until after March of 2015 so all the policies pay out as I had intended. [/SIZE]

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Seriously, #### the kids. It's BS in my mind that you feel the need to kill yourself over ####ing financial obligations. Quit your job and do what you want to do. If you think your family is going to be thankful that you offed yourself just to leave them then you're sorely mistaken.

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shadyridr said:

I thpught johnnycakes was much younger than 64 and not only that the suicide note doesnt mention his new family which he always says he loves so much. Im very confused and i hope thats bs. Johnnycakes please get help.

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johnnycakes said:

shadyridr said:

I thpught johnnycakes was much younger than 64 and not only that the suicide note doesnt mention his new family which he always says he loves so much. Im very confused and i hope thats bs. Johnnycakes please get help.

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I am younger than 64... changed a few facts like that (as well as, perhaps, the names of the insurance carriers) for the sake of anonymity. But there are lots of days I feel just like that. I just crafted the note yesterday... in part to help me think things through, myself. Today I feel better, so I'll go to work just as usual. Barring some unforeseen circumstances, I won't be taking any action on that before next March, anyhow. And perhaps not then. We shall see.

Oh. yes... and it was pointed out to me that I forgot to take out my son's name... that is his real name... if anyone who quoted that would be kind enough to ***** that out, I would appreciate it.

As for now, I'm out of this thread. Not even sure why I posted that here. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for me.

Thanks for the support from everyone.

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johnnycakes said:

shadyridr said:

I thpught johnnycakes was much younger than 64 and not only that the suicide note doesnt mention his new family which he always says he loves so much. Im very confused and i hope thats bs. Johnnycakes please get help.

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I am younger than 64... changed a few facts like that (as well as, perhaps, the names of the insurance carriers) for the sake of anonymity. But there are lots of days I feel just like that. I just crafted the note yesterday... in part to help me think things through, myself. Today I feel better, so I'll go to work just as usual. Barring some unforeseen circumstances, I won't be taking any action on that before next March, anyhow. And perhaps not then. We shall see.Oh. yes... and it was pointed out to me that I forgot to take out my son's name... that is his real name... if anyone who quoted that would be kind enough to ***** that out, I would appreciate it.

As for now, I'm out of this thread. Not even sure why I posted that here. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for me.

Thanks for the support from everyone.

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johnnycakes said:

shadyridr said:

I thpught johnnycakes was much younger than 64 and not only that the suicide note doesnt mention his new family which he always says he loves so much. Im very confused and i hope thats bs. Johnnycakes please get help.

Click to expand...

I am younger than 64... changed a few facts like that (as well as, perhaps, the names of the insurance carriers) for the sake of anonymity. But there are lots of days I feel just like that. I just crafted the note yesterday... in part to help me think things through, myself. Today I feel better, so I'll go to work just as usual. Barring some unforeseen circumstances, I won't be taking any action on that before next March, anyhow. And perhaps not then. We shall see.

Oh. yes... and it was pointed out to me that I forgot to take out my son's name... that is his real name... if anyone who quoted that would be kind enough to ***** that out, I would appreciate it.

As for now, I'm out of this thread. Not even sure why I posted that here. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for me.

Thanks for the support from everyone.

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Rohn Jambo said:

Johnnycakes, I have been wondering why you haven't posted much lately. Has something happened recently to change your view on life?

I agree with other FBGs that this world is better with you in it and you're not alone because there are a lot of people who care about you, including me.

Check out this picture. Two people in it have fame and fortune but clearly the 3rd guy is the happiest one on that day.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/07/14/article-2691671-1FA3AE2900000578-886_634x630.jpg

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This is the eulogy I gave for my son earlier today. Please feel free to share it with anyone you love who needs to take the message to heart.

A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.
Today, again, Warrington is Ramah, and we are all Rachel. Another child is no more.
I loved Anthony, something that was not always easy to do. Anthony loved Eminem and 50 cent and Lil Wayne. Whenever any of them were about to come out with a new CD, Anthony always knew about it when the news first broke and he had to get the CD the day it came out. He loved movies and had recently developed a fondness for chick flicks. I suppose this shouldn’t surprise me. When he was a baby, his favorite video was “The Little Mermaid.” He devoured each and every Harry Potter novel the week it was published, proudly reporting how many pages he’d read each day. And as each book was made into a movie, he and I would see them, and if it wasn’t the day they were released Anthony was sorely disappointed.
He loved candy.
He loved his car.
He loved his brother.
He loved his mother.
He loved the Lord.
And he loved heroin.
Lord how he loved heroin. And because he loved heroin so much and because he thought it loved him back, he’ll never get to take his brother to the Eminem & Rihanna concert this August. He’ll never get to enjoy the case of Sour Patch Kids candy he ordered and that was delivered two days after he died. He won’t get to train Caesar, the Boxer puppy he bought from a breeder in Oklahoma just two weeks ago. And for the first time in years, there’s plenty of recording capacity on the DVR.
His death is a shock, but it’s not a surprise. He had been slow dancing with death for more than five years. He overdosed and almost died. His friend overdosed and almost died in front of his eyes. He was arrested. He overdosed again. He was arrested again. He spent a week on the street and a month in prison.
And each and every time we said, “Anthony, please, take this as a sign. It’s a warning. Take it to heart. You need to change your behavior.” And each and every time he said he knew and he would. But at some point, each of those warnings was forgotten. And all that remained was the mantra of the young. “It’s my life and I’ll do what I want. I’m only hurting myself.”
“It’s my life.”
Every time another young person says, “It’s my life,” Satan smiles.
“It’s my life and I’ll do what I want.” Yes, of course you will. But your actions have consequences and sometimes your mistakes are irreversible.
“I’m only hurting myself.” Really? I wish I had words strong enough and true enough to convince you of the staggering selfishness of that remark. And how wrong it is.
Almost exactly one week ago my lips were pressed against Anthony’s cold, pale lips, trying desperately to breathe air into lungs too full of fluid to receive it. For the last week his mother has carried one of Anthony’s unwashed shirts around with her, holding it to her face so she can smell him. She sleeps in his bed with his shirt and a framed photograph of Anthony. Everywhere she turns something else reminds her of Anthony. The leftovers from the last food he bought – food was a very big thing with Anthony. The stale remnants of the last soda he ever drank. She wants to die, so she can see her first born again.
Nick, who is one of the best people I know, has spent much of the last week with his arm around his mother. Nick, who was already an old soul, has aged 10 years in the last week. I don’t know if he will ever smile again.
But, hey, It’s your life. Do what you want. But before you ever again dare say, “I’m only hurting myself,” look at your mother, look up the word ‘inconsolable’ and remember Anthony’s mother.
Anthony kept a small scrap of paper with a verse he had copied from scripture pinned above his desk, right in front of his laptop, where he could look at it every day. The prophet Isaiah speaking to God:
“You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.”
An assurance from the Lord, that gave Anthony comfort. Later in that same verse there are words of comfort for those of us Anthony left behind when he went home:
“But your dead will live, Lord;
their bodies will rise—
let those who dwell in the dust
wake up and shout for joy—
your dew is like the dew of the morning;
the earth will give birth to her dead.”
Goodbye my son.

-Chris Fiore

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Quez said:

I didn't think life insurance paid for suicides. You would have to make it look like an accident.

The perfect way to fake a death in the most painless way possible would be to do what that kid from the short lived MTV show Buck Wild did. Go mud bogging and get stuck, then floor it and fill the cab with the exhaust fumes.

Eta. I don't want to see anyone dead, but if anyone is ever going to do it you may want to think about a family member identifying your body.

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Quez said:

How do you hang yourself in a shower? He either A) had a shower head at like 9 feet, or B) had a shower curtain rod manufactured by NASA.

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bweiser said:

Johnny, please get the help you need.

I'm not going to post my whole story because I don't need everyone here knowing everything about my life, but, suffice it to say, my life has gone to hell in the past three months because of my best friend/so-called girlfriend and her gambling habit.

I am 51. I had an opportunity to take a buyout from my employer to save someone else's job ... I took it to pursue a job where I could be my own boss - professional poker player. Now, it's not all the glory you see on TV I play low limit NLHE. I got off to a good start, followed by two bad months.

Unfortunately, my F/GF's gambling habit and my inability to say no to her has left me wondering how I'm going to pay the bills at the end of this month.

She owes me A TON of money and I have really have no way of collecting. She couldn't believe it the other day when I knew how much I had given her in the past 4 years.

I am sitting here in my living room in my 1-bedroom apartment having bad thoughts. They'll probably go away, but like JC, I feel like I have no friends who I can talk to about this. That I'll just get a lot of 'I told you so's' from those who know the long history.

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Quez said:

bweiser said:

Johnny, please get the help you need.

I'm not going to post my whole story because I don't need everyone here knowing everything about my life, but, suffice it to say, my life has gone to hell in the past three months because of my best friend/so-called girlfriend and her gambling habit.

I am 51. I had an opportunity to take a buyout from my employer to save someone else's job ... I took it to pursue a job where I could be my own boss - professional poker player. Now, it's not all the glory you see on TV I play low limit NLHE. I got off to a good start, followed by two bad months.

Unfortunately, my F/GF's gambling habit and my inability to say no to her has left me wondering how I'm going to pay the bills at the end of this month.

She owes me A TON of money and I have really have no way of collecting. She couldn't believe it the other day when I knew how much I had given her in the past 4 years.

I am sitting here in my living room in my 1-bedroom apartment having bad thoughts. They'll probably go away, but like JC, I feel like I have no friends who I can talk to about this. That I'll just get a lot of 'I told you so's' from those who know the long history.

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This needs it's own thread

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Quez said:

May of been autoerotic asphyxiation

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dickey moe said:

Quez said:

May of have been autoerotic asphyxiation

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You're not helping.

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bweiser said:

thanks ... today is better at this point. hopefully it won't deteriorate like yesterday did.

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bweiser said:

thanks ... today is better at this point. hopefully it won't deteriorate like yesterday did.

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bweiser said:

thanks ... today is better at this point. hopefully it won't deteriorate like yesterday did.

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-arcK- said:

I feel it's important to post here, 6 years later after this http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=384637&p=8286793:

Reading those words again is a surreal experience for me, as if they are from a different person, or a different lifetime. At the time there were a number of reactions, from people who thought it was a big joke from an alias, to people who were shocked at the sincerity.

I still have my problems, just like everyone else. Still have health concerns, and a massive amount of debt. But I haven't even thought of suicide in at least 3 years, maybe longer. Dare I say I'm now a reasonably happy guy? It's hard to say exactly how I arrived there, but I started working on myself. Tried self-improvement on some of my major flaws, tried to be a stronger person, and stopped being my own worst enemy. I started developing confidence, started loving myself, taking better care of myself. I threw myself into my hobbies, no matter how immature or geeky they may seem to others. In fact I just plain stopped worrying about what everyone thought of me, and started worrying about what I thought when I looked at myself.

I didn't get the professional help that many people advised. I'm not suggesting that's the right way to go about things; maybe it was a mistake and I could have reached happiness even earlier. I don't know the answers, as each person is in their own unique situation with their own path out. But I believe that path out exists.

I'm lurker who rarely posts (mainly because my writing is atrocious), and as time has gone on I don't even lurk as much anymore. But I felt compelled when I saw this thread, for 2 reasons:

1. To thank those folks who expressed their support all those years ago in that thread, and via PM.

2. To hopefully provide those who are struggling now (such as bweiser, johnnycakes, and badmojo1006) an example of someone who made it out of that suffocating darkness. It CAN be done- cling to any remaining hope for change that you have left. I did, and I'm so thankful for it.

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-arcK- said:

I'm lurker who rarely posts (mainly because my writing is atrocious)

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-arcK- said:

I feel it's important to post here, 6 years later after this http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=384637&p=8286793:

Reading those words again is a surreal experience for me, as if they are from a different person, or a different lifetime. At the time there were a number of reactions, from people who thought it was a big joke from an alias, to people who were shocked at the sincerity.

I still have my problems, just like everyone else. Still have health concerns, and a massive amount of debt. But I haven't even thought of suicide in at least 3 years, maybe longer. Dare I say I'm now a reasonably happy guy? It's hard to say exactly how I arrived there, but I started working on myself. Tried self-improvement on some of my major flaws, tried to be a stronger person, and stopped being my own worst enemy. I started developing confidence, started loving myself, taking better care of myself. I threw myself into my hobbies, no matter how immature or geeky they may seem to others. In fact I just plain stopped worrying about what everyone thought of me, and started worrying about what I thought when I looked at myself.

I didn't get the professional help that many people advised. I'm not suggesting that's the right way to go about things; maybe it was a mistake and I could have reached happiness even earlier. I don't know the answers, as each person is in their own unique situation with their own path out. But I believe that path out exists.

I'm lurker who rarely posts (mainly because my writing is atrocious), and as time has gone on I don't even lurk as much anymore. But I felt compelled when I saw this thread, for 2 reasons:

1. To thank those folks who expressed their support all those years ago in that thread, and via PM.

2. To hopefully provide those who are struggling now (such as bweiser, johnnycakes, and badmojo1006) an example of someone who made it out of that suffocating darkness. It CAN be done- cling to any remaining hope for change that you have left. I did, and I'm so thankful for it.

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shadyridr said:

Arck, i think you should stop being a lurker and post much more. Your words are inspiring.

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AAABatteries said:

Nice arcK - glad to hear it.

I've wanted to post in this thread numerous times but I'm always worried I'll same something stupid. I can't relate to those of you in pain but I do empathize and wish you all happiness in life. Stay strong.

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-arcK- said:

Thanks for all the kind words, everyone. I guess I should better explain my atrocious writing comment... writing, to me, is an extremely painful process. The more words I add to a project, the more exponentially torturous it becomes. When I say atrocious, I mean the rough draft of my previous post sounded like a 5th grader wrote it. It took me probably 25 minutes to clean it up and make it legible. That's why I don't go back to school to get my Master's degree; I'd rather chop off my pinkie finger than have to write a bunch of research papers. The fact that people can crank out a 20 page paper in a weekend just boggles my mind. Frankly, I'm jealous.

But enough on that, really all I'm hoping for is that just one person reads about my experience and is encouraged to hold on a little longer to find the help they need.

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