I am having big issues with my 10 year old son. This morning is a perfect example of what is a struggle with him:
Compulsive liar. He will lie about everything even when there is no reason (he won't be in trouble). This morning getting him and his brother off to a flag football camp. His little brother grabs a Prime. I usually only let them get Prime for game days. My older son took a Prime powder and put it in his water bottle... which I saw. Older brother says "I didn't get a Prime". I say, "yes you did. You used a powder in your watter bottle... I SAW YOU." he responds "No I didn't.".... I saw you. "I didn't".... that circle a couple of times. "Fine, give me your water bottle and let me try it." Silence. Then after a long pause. "No, it's my water." ARGH!
Using little brother as the dog to kick. I think this is pretty standard but man, if anything is off with him... mad about something, tired, bad mood.... he will tear into his little brother for the slightest or made up thing possible.
Flat out refusing to do what he is told. A few days back, I had to pick up his sister. He had been playing video games for a couple of hours and was over stimulated and also tired. He tore into his little brother as mentioned above. I told him nicely and calmly not to do that. He got super mad and refused to get in the car. After asking him to get in for a good near 10 minutes. I picked him up and placed him in the car like a screaming toddler.
And then he can be the nicest, most thoughtful, wonderful kid but when he is an ahole.... he is an AHOLE. My BP is up because of him.
Same 10 year old son.... he is the most stubborn kid there is. Once he decides something, it doesn't matter how illogical, how much it will negatively affect him, how silly it is.... he will lock on like a Pitbull and not let go. The way I explain it to others is that if we were on the Titanic and I told him to get in the lifeboat, he would say no and rather go down with the ship than change from it even if it was in the water and a lifeboat came by... he would say no.
A couple of months ago, my daughter had an orthodontist appointment. These appointments take like 15 min at the most. The kids come home and I tell them we have to leave in a little bit to go to the appointment. He immediately says that he isn't going. I gave him some time to reconsider as time it usually the only thing that will get him to move off of a position but then as the appointment is coming up, I go get him. "No, I am not going." Fast forward through 15 minutes of me being nice and calmly trying to get him to go. Finally, time is running out and I have no choice. I give him the choice. "You can either come to the appointment which will take 15 minutes, we will be back and you can play all the video games you want until it is time to go to bed or I can drag you to the appointment and you will lose video games for two weeks." In the past, when he was younger, on something like this, I could pick him up and throw him over my shoulder and take him wherever... he is almost 5'3'' now, a very athletic and very strong 10 year old. Let's just say that the dragging him to the car was rough on me. While doing so I was thinking, I don't think I can ever do this again. I get him in the car, we go, the appointment took 10 minutes and we came home... he didn't get any video games for two weeks. He apologized and behaved and eventually got his video game privileges back.
A couple of weeks later, him and his brother had swim practice and my daughter had a confirmation meeting at church. My wife and I planned it all out and how we would get them all where they needed to be. Right up until my son refused to leave. He would not leave the house. Not only that but before his Mom got home, I told him he needed to come into the house when he was riding his bike outside. He flat out refused, got on his bike and peddled away. Going back and forth past the house giving me glances with smirks. I can't tell you how much I was fuming.... but I thought to myself, I have two choices... physically confront him which will not end well however it ends or let this play out more. I texted my wife and she got home as she tends to deal with this better than I can. Eventually, he was given and ultimatum that if he didn't go he would lose a month of video games. I went and took his brother to swim practice and then touched base with my wife to see if he changed his mind.... my wife was like 'have you not met your son?' So then.... we are stuck. She is at home with him and can not leave but my daughter needs to go to her thing and if I got her and took her then my youngest son would be stranded after practice. No family was available to help so I reached out to friends of ours and explained the situation and asked if they could pick my youngest up from swim practice which they agreed to and then took my daughter (who gets in the car all grumpy, 13 year old, and I ask what was wrong with her and get nothing.... text my wife and she laughs and says 'she wanted me to go with her.... good luck.').
The next day, I sat him down and talked to him. I went over the behavior and how it was not acceptable and then I talked about how I didn't want our relationship to be adversarial with fighting and confrontation, anger and resentment, just overall negative. I wanted our relationship to be a good one that we could talk and do things together and be close and loving. I asked for a hug at the end and he gave me a very long one. When he pulled back there was a wet spot on my shirt and tears coming down.
It has been about three weeks since. He has noticeably changed in his interactions with me. More talking, and not just about 'confrontational' things but just talking. I have been easier on optional things though that has meant he is missing a lot of swim practice as he generally doesn't want to go. He has not had any video games though I did give him access to his phone again because of his behavior change and I never said that the phone would be shut down so I felt I could give that back to him as a good will gesture on my part. He is now been campaigning with my wife to get video games back even though he has a week left. He hasn't asked me.... he knows she will cave before I do. She did ask me and I said I wouldn't until we have another conversation with him with the three of us.
I am hoping that most of this is a maturity thing and have seen in certain ways improvement on this type of stuff but then again as he matures out of this then he will mature into being a teenager.
My daughter is there already and compared to my son much easier to deal with but my goodness... the moodiness is insane. She broke down crying because I ask her to help me pull everything out of the freezer so I could defrost all the ice in it. I can say hi and she will be like 'ugh' and roll her eyes. I never know whether she is going to interact nicely or possessed with me. But compared to her brother, sooooooo much easier.