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Regardless the kid is getting high, is the social group he hangs with doing the same? If so how do you go about getting him to quit hanging with that crowd and finding a nonsmoking crowd to hang with? If the kid is getting high but not hanging with stoners you have to figure why he's getting high.
I for sure agree, you want to figure out why he's doing it and who he is hanging out with. Vaping is pretty common now, maybe more common than drinking. So it's pretty wide open as to what his friend group is doing and what he's doing. But I am a big supporter of the idea that step number one is is learning and understanding.
Hormones running wild, he may not understand himself. THC helps suppress the excess energy and thoughts racing through his mind. He may be self medicating whether he realizes it or not.
Bravo
Good job, that is a great start. Sounds like it could be a nice pair since the guy is young, has somethings in common with your son, etc. If he is keeping his grades up despite the weed use, it's probably nothing major. That kind of experimentation is totally normal. He might be really stressed about his grades, future, etc. and the weed helps calm him. Of course you don't want that to be the only way he learns how to cope with anxiety but I would say he's probably going to be fine and you are handling things really well.
No clinics?
Her aunt finally took her somewhere. Waiting on the swab result. Doesn’t seem like step throat. She’s got two lumps you can feel in her throat and they have gotten more swollen. She said it’s not sore, she’s just having a harder and harder time breathing. Who knows what bill will come out as.
She will likely be a bit behind maturity-wise for a bit. The trauma stuff and any drinking or whatnot stops the maturing process. She'll catch up eventually.
Tha
She is absolutely behind maturity wise. She actually brought this up recently how she doesn't feel like she's maturing. I reiterated what you said that it might be delayed but is coming along. On the other hand, she's also engaging in some sort of relationships with adults- guys like 18-20 she's met on Snapchat. I don't know all the details as she won't quite say. I have no power to take her phone or even dictate where she goes but I of course let her aunt/guardian know (the 15 year old acknowledged that it was right for me to do this and she appreciated I cared so much) .
I was going to say boys. Avoid boys.
Thanks, I appreciate the advice and taking the time to read this. It's become my way of venting and helping myself process all this because it's really come out of nowhere. My wife and I never wanted kids and "emotionally adopt a troubled teen" was never on my bingo card for life.
Yeah, she has had enough problem with boys her own age. That is for damn sure. I am actually surprised she has any interest in them after all that has happened but yeah grown men...yikes. I for sure talked to her about how would she feel if one of her friends was "talking to" a 6th grader, wouldn't that be absolutely f'd up? And she for sure got that. I think she just likes the attention too. She unfortunately has hardly any real friends because they were mostly all people she did drugs and drank with or people she now realizes are awful people. I am really trying to get her to make some new connections with nicer kids but she's been resistant. Again, all of this would 100x easier if she was actually my kid and lived with me. I could just make her invite over some of the girls she knows who are nice kids. I could take her phone. I could mostly monitor where she goes at night, on the weekends. But I can't really do much but talk with her and trust her. Though I shouldn't really complain because that's worked like gangbusters.
I disliked high school for the most part and the reminders/knowledge of the bold is what really kept me going on a good trajectory. It's also pretty true. So, if your son is anything like I was (pretty intelligent, somewhat shy, not popular) this is very good advice.
Interesting thought. Aren't local police aware this is literally happening everywhere? I can pretty much guarantee in every county across the country there are men talking to underage girls online trying to test the water. I won't even get into the stories she's told me from when she was still living with her mom and was like 10-12 years old. Makes me sick (she was not harmed or anything, but I am guessing she had some close calls and didn't realize it). I could talk to the school resource officer. I just wish I had more info because again, there's nothing illegal about an 18 year old talking to a 15 year old online or even making plans to hang out, still not a crime.
Yes. And they usually have task forces with undercover detectives working and, sometimes, there are some private watchdog type groups or people who assist law enforcement with these stings.
I have not seen the exchanges but I am going to choose to trust her because she's never been anything but honest with me. Even about some pretty bad stuff she's done that got her in trouble. For example in early July, she got drunk and was driving her friends around. She told me even though it ended up with me making her tell her aunt, she got grounded for the rest of the summer. So even when she has made some major mistakes and knows she could get in trouble for it, she's been up front with me. She says she is not in danger, nothing "is happening" but it's complicated. I assume the complicated part is she likes him/them but also knows it's illegal and wrong so she's having trouble figuring it out. I think if she was actually planning on doing something, she never even brings this up to me because she knows she would either have to lie or I would call the cops. There's also the chance it's people she knows from beyond just Snapchat and Snap is just where they communicate. Her 21 year old cousin lives at home with her and he has friends around all the time. It could be something there that was friendly but started to feel like maybe it was something more. I know I said they met on Snap but after thinking about it more, I actually don't know if she said that exactly or I assumed it. I don't get the feeling she's being targeted by predators if that makes sense? I'll probe some more when I see her this week and gauge where it's at. Thanks again for the ear and advice.
Yeah I imagine that’s tough have to almost totally let go of controldaughter just turned 18 on monday. got her first tattoo yesterday
it is a fine design. kind of inner arm. just a little bigger than i would have liked
Why not go with a limited access plan first and make sure that she can handle the transition. Cutting it off cold turkey seems like a terrible idea. I can understand someone from the outside looking in thinking she may be taking advantage of the situation but if there was an objection I would think a limited (lessened) access plan could have been tried to see if that would work.
Yeah, of course. She didn't have a 504 plan (they are meeting now to maybe get one). So technically she was never supposed to be getting that support but I think a counselor or someone felt bad for her and was trying to throw her a bone. Then other counselors saw it and felt like the kid was taking advantage and didn't belong, was taking resources/space from kids who did have a plan, etc. Sounds like it was an administrator who made the call. A cut and dry "no plan, not allowed". I obviously am trying to piece together fragments of info. There is probably something else to it that I am not hearing. I am going to take the day off to attend the 504 meeting so hopefully that will set things straight (I work in education so I know what this process should be and know what to say). However, I am pretty disappointed with how the school is run and it's not the first time. My only real worry now is for the 15 year old to rebound, not let this BS get her off her path and plan to come back better for next year. I think it is a blessing in disguise but for a trauma kid, that long term payoff is hard to see.
Same 10 year old son.... he is the most stubborn kid there is. Once he decides something, it doesn't matter how illogical, how much it will negatively affect him, how silly it is.... he will lock on like a Pitbull and not let go. The way I explain it to others is that if we were on the Titanic and I told him to get in the lifeboat, he would say no and rather go down with the ship than change from it even if it was in the water and a lifeboat came by... he would say no.
Is this a Stephen King novel? Maybe a Will Farrell movie? A Disney comedy?
If I heard that about any other group, it certainly would not make me happy but hearing that brought me pure joy. I can't lie and say I didn't love the fact that the boys circling my daughter have a healthy amount of fear of me.
We went and hung out with our friends yesterday. We are friends with them because our daughters have been friends since pre-school when they were 4. They are both 13. My daughter goes to a private Catholic school and their daughter is in the public school system.
Through various conversations, it comes out that their daughter has been hanging out with some of the girls and boys from my daughters grade at the Catholic school. It is a smaller school so I know pretty much every girl in my daughters grade. I have had a lot of interaction with many of the girls and have good relationships with a good amount of them since they are my daughters friends and on sports teams etc For the boys, I only know a few of their names and haven't had much in the way of interactions with pretty much any of them. However, I noticed throughout this year that seemingly they all knew who I was. All the time, walking past some of these boys they would "Hello, Mr. Chadstroma." in very proper and respectful manner. I was confused why they knew me but chalked up the extreme etiquette to manners taught at the Catholic school. I asked my daughter why they all knew who I was and she didn't know really but the two most likely explanations are they have seen me with my daughter at various school events and that I coach my sons basketball team for the school and so the teams would pass each other not infrequently from their game ending and we start or vice versa.
So, yesterday as we are talking, their daughter mentioned "all the boys are scared of you!" I can't tell you how good that made me feel.
Why do they fear me? Well, to start, I am a pretty big guy. 6'1'' and over 300 pounds (working on that weight part though). I work out of home and prefer comfortability over fashion so I am usually in tshirts, shorts, sweat pants, type of clothing versus business casual attire that most of the fathers at the school events wear. I have a facial hair which is a little 'grizzly' looking. And apparently I have resting "I will kill you face" and my wife says how I use my eyebrows makes it look like I am mad when I am not. Finally, as a coach in basketball, I am one of the more passionate coaches. I do yell alot (to communicate during the game with my boys) but my wife and daughter say I can look scary when coaching. So... likely that completes the whole package for creating fear among the boys.
Whatever it is.... I like it.
Man, it makes you feel good that boys around your daughter fear you.We went and hung out with our friends yesterday. We are friends with them because our daughters have been friends since pre-school when they were 4. They are both 13. My daughter goes to a private Catholic school and their daughter is in the public school system.
Through various conversations, it comes out that their daughter has been hanging out with some of the girls and boys from my daughters grade at the Catholic school. It is a smaller school so I know pretty much every girl in my daughters grade. I have had a lot of interaction with many of the girls and have good relationships with a good amount of them since they are my daughters friends and on sports teams etc For the boys, I only know a few of their names and haven't had much in the way of interactions with pretty much any of them. However, I noticed throughout this year that seemingly they all knew who I was. All the time, walking past some of these boys they would "Hello, Mr. Chadstroma." in very proper and respectful manner. I was confused why they knew me but chalked up the extreme etiquette to manners taught at the Catholic school. I asked my daughter why they all knew who I was and she didn't know really but the two most likely explanations are they have seen me with my daughter at various school events and that I coach my sons basketball team for the school and so the teams would pass each other not infrequently from their game ending and we start or vice versa.
So, yesterday as we are talking, their daughter mentioned "all the boys are scared of you!" I can't tell you how good that made me feel.
Why do they fear me? Well, to start, I am a pretty big guy. 6'1'' and over 300 pounds (working on that weight part though). I work out of home and prefer comfortability over fashion so I am usually in tshirts, shorts, sweat pants, type of clothing versus business casual attire that most of the fathers at the school events wear. I have a facial hair which is a little 'grizzly' looking. And apparently I have resting "I will kill you face" and my wife says how I use my eyebrows makes it look like I am mad when I am not. Finally, as a coach in basketball, I am one of the more passionate coaches. I do yell alot (to communicate during the game with my boys) but my wife and daughter say I can look scary when coaching. So... likely that completes the whole package for creating fear among the boys.
Whatever it is.... I like it.
Had the same experience. It was great.
Him and I have made some good progress on our relationship and doing a lot more talking from both sides. He is much more flexible with me but I am being more flexible with him. Last week on Friday, I texted him and told him he has practice at 7 and to get ready (with about an hours notice saying to get ready in about 30 minutes). He came to and said "when you tell me that, it makes me not want to go. I know when practice is and I will get ready." We chatted about it and I told him that he wouldn't get ready on his own and be ready to go and he said yes... back and forth. Monday was a holiday so not practice. Tuesday I didn't say a word. He didn't get ready or even blink when it was time to go. I decided to not say anything but then I also had his video game time set to lock when he was supposed to be at practice. I had to drop off my daughter to her practice so he texted me asking for more time. I told him we could talk when I got home. When I got home and we talked, I wondered how it would go.... so, he asked why he couldn't have time and I said "where are you supposed to be right now?" it took him a bit and then he said swim practice so then I asked "do you think I should give you time for video games?" He agreed that I shouldn't and it surprisingly went very well. On the way home, I was worried and wondering if he would have a temper tantrum type thing but it was the exact opposite. Basically, not forcing him to go to practice but then also making sure he understands 'if you don't go to practice, you are not using that time to play video games.' Letting him make his decisions and then live with whatever the result of those decisions are.
sorry.
Thanks. And thanks grammar Nazi.Kids are super smart. We just have to figure out how to talk to them in a way they can hear... Which sounds like you're doing. Nice! Including him in the decision making is bonus points.
And this is petty knee-jerk son of an English teacher stuff, but "he and I" to start a sentence.
I thought I was the Grammar Nazi. Do I have to have a cage match with Floppo?Thanks. And thanks grammar Nazi.Kids are super smart. We just have to figure out how to talk to them in a way they can hear... Which sounds like you're doing. Nice! Including him in the decision making is bonus points.
And this is petty knee-jerk son of an English teacher stuff, but "he and I" to start a sentence.
If it means there is only one Grammar Nazi standing after then I am all for it.I thought I was the Grammar Nazi. Do I have to have a cage match with Floppo?Thanks. And thanks grammar Nazi.Kids are super smart. We just have to figure out how to talk to them in a way they can hear... Which sounds like you're doing. Nice! Including him in the decision making is bonus points.
And this is petty knee-jerk son of an English teacher stuff, but "he and I" to start a sentence.
Poor Floppo.If it means there is only one Grammar Nazi standing after then I am all for it.I thought I was the Grammar Nazi. Do I have to have a cage match with Floppo?Thanks. And thanks grammar Nazi.Kids are super smart. We just have to figure out how to talk to them in a way they can hear... Which sounds like you're doing. Nice! Including him in the decision making is bonus points.
And this is petty knee-jerk son of an English teacher stuff, but "he and I" to start a sentence.
Good point here. It’s very much about making she they feel seen and heard but also figuring out how you can be sure they are receptive to you as well.Kids are super smart. We just have to figure out how to talk to them in a way they can hear... Which sounds like you're doing. Nice! Including him in the decision making is bonus points.
And this is petty knee-jerk son of an English teacher stuff, but "he and I" to start a sentence.
this thread for four years from now. 
