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Family gathering with cheater - how to handle? (1 Viewer)

pats3in4

pats3in4

Footballguy
At the end of this month is a birthday party in which there will be a big family gathering.  At this party will be my girlfriend's sister, her husband and their 3 kids (ages 12-15).  The husband was just caught cheating for the 3rd time.  While I suspect more people know of it than realized, the official count of people at the party who are in the know is about 8 -10 and all are disgusted with him, including the wife*, but yet they'll both still be there.

The husband is a fun guy to drink and watch sports with, but like the others I am also disgusted with him.  I don't want to acknowledge his presence, let alone shake his hand.  I know he'll come up to me for the bro hug when I get there and I don't want any part of that.  Yet I don't want to enhance the drama as this party isn't about me.  But the thought of giving him that bro hug, making small chit chat and otherwise pretending everything is okay sickens me.

Any advice on how to stay true to myself without making even a minor scene or gossip topic?  One idea I had was just being straight with him, but also polite, telling him when we meet, "You know, I'm not happy with what you did to your wife.  So excuse me if I don't want to hug you, shake your hand or talk to you.  I'm here for the birthday boy and his parents, so I don't want to make this about us.  If you have a problem with this, I'm fine talking about it sometime after the party."  I don't like this, so if you have better ideas, I'd love to hear them. 

* Why the wife stays with him has everyone shuked, but that's not the point of this thread. 

 
It seems to me it's on the wife to judge, not anyone else. If she's OK with it and stays with him, that's on her. 

Treat him civily and let them live their own relationship. 

 
Whether you like the guy or not, it's probably time to end the bro-hug thing. Not just you, everyone. No more bro-hugging. Thanks.

 
kutta said:
It seems to me it's on the wife to judge, not anyone else. If she's OK with it and stays with him, that's on her. 

Treat him civily and let them live their own relationship. 
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Actually, that's the rub.  The wife is absolutely irate at him.  She's in limbo between deciding to stay or divorce him.  He's living in their garage while she figures things out.  In the meantime, she doesn't have it in her to tell him to not go to the party.

Edit: And he's too tone deaf to stay away.

 
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pats3in4 said:
At the end of this month is a birthday party in which there will be a big family gathering.  At this party will be my girlfriend's sister, her husband and their 3 kids (ages 12-15).  The husband was just caught cheating for the 3rd time.  While I suspect more people know of it than realized, the official count of people at the party who are in the know is about 8 -10 and all are disgusted with him, including the wife*, but yet they'll both still be there.

The husband is a fun guy to drink and watch sports with, but like the others I am also disgusted with him.  I don't want to acknowledge his presence, let alone shake his hand.  I know he'll come up to me for the bro hug when I get there and I don't want any part of that.  Yet I don't want to enhance the drama as this party isn't about me.  But the thought of giving him that bro hug, making small chit chat and otherwise pretending everything is okay sickens me.

Any advice on how to stay true to myself without making even a minor scene or gossip topic?  One idea I had was just being straight with him, but also polite, telling him when we meet, "You know, I'm not happy with what you did to your wife.  So excuse me if I don't want to hug you, shake your hand or talk to you.  I'm here for the birthday boy and his parents, so I don't want to make this about us.  If you have a problem with this, I'm fine talking about it sometime after the party."  I don't like this, so if you have better ideas, I'd love to hear them. 

* Why the wife stays with him has everyone shuked, but that's not the point of this thread. 
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you're two guys so "you're an #######" and moving on should be sufficient

 
Long Ball Larry said:
How long have you been with the girlfriend?  Doesn't really seem like it's your battle, so I would just leave it alone.
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Been with the girlfriend for almost a year and a half.  Her family is tight-knit and I've been to multiple family events.  They treat me like one of the family.

 
If she doesn't have it in her to tell him to not go to the party, there is no chance she has it in her to leave him. You can decide how to treat him, but don't assume this is a one and done as I assume he'll be there for years. 

 
msommer said:
This
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i disagree....your silence quietly condones his actions.  i was in a similar situation, except the cheater was a verbal abuser.  i told my wife that i cant blindly attend functions and pretend any longer, so i will no longer be attending.  she can explain to her sister.  you gotta take a stand for what you believe.  told my wife the option was a private coversation with BIL that wouldnt end well .

 
We found out about a year ago that my wife's uncle had cheated on her aunt for about 5 years with a much younger woman he worked with. The wife stuck with him after making him cut the relationship off and attend counseling and now she basically owns his life. To me, and I'm sure many others, cheating in a marriage is disgusting and nothing to make light of..........however, when I say that this guy would be the last person you would expect to a) have the balls to do it and b) actually pull off getting a fairly attractive younger woman to sleep with him for years, I mean it. He's just a really odd guy, both looks and personality-wise. In a weird way, I think that made it a little easier for the extended family to handle all of the interactions with him. All the normal lack of comfort you would expect just turned into making fun of the guy.  

Basically, we're all polite to him when he comes into the house on any given day because the aunt has made her choice and that's really all that matters. He still makes his corny jokes, but now I don't fake laugh at them like I used to. You can get your point across in a similar non-verbal way. When he goes in for the hug and whatever other sort of greeting, just give him a handshake and look him right in the eyes and give nothing more than a monotone "hey" or something similar. If he has any awareness of the situation, he'll know exactly why you did that and what you meant by it. Anything beyond that and you're risking putting way too much of yourself in their personal situation. 

 
Give the dude a bro hug like you normally do. Engage in the chit-chat. Hang out.

After an hour or so, when all of the family is gathered around, drop to one knee in front of your girlfriend with a ring and say:

"Honey, you know I love you with all of my heart. From the day I met you, I knew you were the only one for me. (shoot the guy a subtle glance)

I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. (another subtle glance.) 

I promise to always be honest and truthful to our love, marriage, and children.

Will you marry me?"

Boom. You are solid in that family. For LIFE!

 
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kutta said:
It seems to me it's on the wife to judge, not anyone else. If she's OK with it and stays with him, that's on her. 

Treat him civily and let them live their own relationship. 
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I don't think if he says what he says above that is uncivil.  I agree it's up to the wife on whether to stay with the guy but the OP is under no obligation to act like everything is cool and they are buddies.  I would avoid him and if he approaches just have a quick word.  No drama.

 
To prevent the bro hug, meet him with a firm handshake with one hand while putting your other hand on his forearm. Combine it with a glassy stare and a "s'up?"

 
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As he comes in for the bro hug stop him.  Hold up your hands and say: "Wooo! bro, no bro hugs until you assure me you have disinfected after being with the skank.  I don't want to catch the clam media, or the gentle warts."  Then look to your gal for approval of your behavior since that must be what you are seeking.  Otherwise mind your own business and allow the social pretense to do its work.  This is none of your affair. 

 
Act like nothing is different at first...do the bro hug thing, handshake whatever to get through that initial weirdness that everyone will expect and be on the lookout for. Then after about 30-60mins. pull him aside and just say "I did all that greeting stuff to not make a scene because this event isn't about us. But guy to guy I'm not a fan of what you did so we'll just leave it at that".  Then walk away and enjoy the party.

 
AAABatteries said:
I don't think if he says what he says above that is uncivil.  I agree it's up to the wife on whether to stay with the guy but the OP is under no obligation to act like everything is cool and they are buddies.  I would avoid him and if he approaches just have a quick word.  No drama.
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I just think there is so much that goes on behind closed doors in a relationship that we don't know. Maybe the wife refuses to have sex with the guy. Maybe they had some sort of "open" agreement early in the marriage but she changed that later on. Maybe he's just an #######. But we don't know. There are two sides to every story, and if she's not leaving him, maybe there's more than we realize.

I gave up judging people a while back. There's just so much we don't know and I just really think this is between the two of them and no one else.

Now, i agree he doesn't have to love the guy. But he also shouldn't lecture him.

 
Ditkaless Wonders said:
As he comes in for the bro hug stop him.  Hold up your hands and say: "Wooo! bro, no bro hugs until you assure me you have disinfected after being with the skank.  I don't want to catch the clam media, or the gentle warts."  Then look to your gal for approval of your behavior since that must be what you are seeking.  Otherwise mind your own business and allow the social pretense to do its work.  This is none of your affair. 
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Gentle warts don't sound that bad.

 
pats3in4 said:
Actually, that's the rub.  The wife is absolutely irate at him.  She's in limbo between deciding to stay or divorce him.  He's living in their garage while she figures things out.  In the meantime, she doesn't have it in her to tell him to not go to the party.

Edit: And he's too tone deaf to stay away.
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Before the bro-hug, ask him how's the garage.  Should chill any hugging tendencies.

 
Baloney Sandwich said:
Does your girlfriend have any thoughts on how you should act?  How is she planning to approach him?
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She leaves how I should act up to me.  As for how she approaches him, she's more concerned what she'll say after downing a few drinks.  She's really ticked off, but mostly because he's a repeat offender.  Which leads to her bigger issue: how her sister doesn't just get rid of him.  Honestly, that's more on her mind than what he did.

 
pats3in4 said:
She leaves how I should act up to me.  As for how she approaches him, she's more concerned what she'll say after downing a few drinks.  She's really ticked off, but mostly because he's a repeat offender.  Which leads to her bigger issue: how her sister doesn't just get rid of him.  Honestly, that's more on her mind than what he did.
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She is getting close to giving him permission by custom and practice.

 
pats3in4 said:
Been with the girlfriend for almost a year and a half.  Her family is tight-knit and I've been to multiple family events.  They treat me like one of the family.
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It's great that they treat you well, but you're not family yet.  If my BIL did this, I'd have a man talk with him, partly because I don't know if the other guys in his life would.  But right now it's not your fight.  So be civil, maybe even overly civil with him.  And then ask about the garage - parking in someone else's garage.

Notorious T.R.E. said:
Full hugs are still cool, right?
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only if you smell each other.

 
pats3in4 said:
She leaves how I should act up to me.  As for how she approaches him, she's more concerned what she'll say after downing a few drinks.  She's really ticked off, but mostly because he's a repeat offender.  Which leads to her bigger issue: how her sister doesn't just get rid of him.  Honestly, that's more on her mind than what he did.
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Have the sisters talked about it?  Shown her support?

 
pats3in4 said:
She leaves how I should act up to me.  As for how she approaches him, she's more concerned what she'll say after downing a few drinks.  She's really ticked off, but mostly because he's a repeat offender.  Which leads to her bigger issue: how her sister doesn't just get rid of him.  Honestly, that's more on her mind than what he did.
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If it was me I would call the guy and let him know that it would be in his best interest and the best interest of the family for him to not attend.  Let him know that several family members are aware of his latest cheating incident and based on what you are hearing you feel emotions are too raw right now for him to be there. 

 
I'd suggest you do whatever your girlfriend tells you.   Its not like its your sister's husband.   I personally wouldn't care.  That's there business, but I also wouldn't want to piss people off by being friendlier with someone than they think is appropriate.

 
Cheat on your girlfriend and snapchat a video to the family.  That'll redirect the awkwardness.

 
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FUBAR said:
Have the sisters talked about it?  Shown her support?
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They've talked a ton about it.  The sister's current state of mind is along the lines of "We're done as a couple, but we'll stay together for the kids' sake.  Until I figure out how to make that work, he can rot in the garage."  Since they stayed married after the first two times he cheated, my girlfriend thinks she'll rationalize this latest transgression away after enough time passes.

 
Andy Dufresne said:
To prevent the bro hug, meet him with a firm handshake with one hand while putting your other hand on his forearm. Combine it with a glassy stare and a "s'up?"
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This. It is not your battle to fight. He'll get the message and you don't risk alienating any of your gf's family.  And: :useless:

 
Gr00vus said:
Whether you like the guy or not, it's probably time to end the bro-hug thing. Not just you, everyone. No more bro-hugging. Thanks.
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Nothing wrong with hugging a guy. The phrase bro-hug is pretty stupid though. In fact, the word "bro" really has no business being uttered. 

 
It's not your family. Not sure why you would feel the need to insert yourself into their private affairs. Be polite. Don't make a scene. And go about your business. 

 
Just fake it, who cares. Don't go over the top to be nice and don't make a show of how disgusted you are. That just comes off as sanctimonious. Like you said, the party isn't about you. Latch on to other people at the party to talk to.

 
ChiefD said:
Give the dude a bro hug like you normally do. Engage in the chit-chat. Hang out.

After an hour or so, when all of the family is gathered around, drop to one knee in front of your girlfriend with a ring and say:

"Honey, you know I love you with all of my heart. From the day I met you, I knew you were the only one for me. (shoot the guy a subtle glance)

I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. (another subtle glance.) 

I promise to always be honest and truthful to our love, marriage, and children.

Will you marry me?"

Boom. You are solid in that family. For LIFE!
Click to expand...
why do you hate pats3in4?

 
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