My Dad died a few months ago (1 Viewer)

... and I am completely indifferent to his passing.

Background: my parents divorced in 1983 and I literally talked to my father less that 20 times in those 33 years.  I have a brother and a sister from my parents and a 1/2 brother from my dad whom I have never met.  At the time of his death, my Dad was estranged from all 4 of his kids.  I hadn't spoken to my dad in about 10 years and as far as I know I was the last of the siblings to reach out to him.  He was just a miserable man, always complaining about his lot in life (even thought he played a big part in getting to that spot) and always asking for help/money/whatever, always belittling people, always blaming others for his troubles - that grows tiring.  Before I reached out 10 years ago it was probably another 10 years before that since I talked to him.  I reached out 10 years ago to see if things had changed, to see if anything at all could be salvaged with the relationship, and once again he proved he wasn't worth being a part of my life.  I've been married 23 years and have known my wife for about 28 years and she's never met him.

Anyway, I guess this is just a PSA to people who have bad relationships with parents/family/whomever.  Reach out to them one last time to see if anything has changed, if not you can at least take comfort in knowing you tried everything you could to see if things could be improved.  Don't go it with the hope of fixing/reestablishing/rebuilding/whatever the relationship.  Go in with an open mind to see how things currently stand, not with any hope that things will be as you want them to be.  If things aren't good - just bail.  It took me a while to realize this, but there is no obligation to have a relationship with someone just because they are family, if they aren't going to be a good influence/fit/whatever in your life.

Reach out, see how things go - if they are bad, have a clear conscience that it's not your choice, its just the way it is, and move on.  It worked for me.

Yeah that was a tough spot but it sounds like he made the choices all his.  If all your siblings were all estranged from him, then he was obviously the problem.  Sorry for your loss anyway, obviously you've done some thinking on it.  IMO you should have zero guilt of any kind. 

Good post.  Thanks for sharing,  Steelers. 

You did what you had to do and he didn't respond. That's on him

My mom dies last year after five years with diagnosed Alzheimers (and in a nursing home). That did not matter to me other than it allowed my dad to get on with his life. What mattered to me was the first time I could see my mom not recognizing me, and never recognizing me again. That's when she died, the other was just a body.
If I ever get Alzheimer's, just shoot me

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like you tried all you could to try and reconnect.

Don't beat yourself up. Do you have kids? If so, be the dad your dad wasn't

Great food for thought. Thanks for the post.

You are obviously a better man than your father. Pay it forward to your kids

nice post.  i'm going to have my wife read it as things are going to #### with her dad and it will do her some good to see some prospective.

I know the feeling

shadyridr said:

I know the feeling

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Me too - none of my siblings (brother and sister) talk to my father. He's just a jerk, and while I'm obviously happy he had kids, he is one of those guys who never really embraced fatherhood. He was always more impressed with other people's kids than his own. For example, when I was a young teen, he was disappointed that I showed zero interest in working on cars - it actually embarrassed him that I didn't care about the different types of carburetors, and was more into the budding computer stuff and DnD. So he always had the neighbors kid over, who was a gearhead, and I went and did whatever hobbies I had with friends.   

There was always a rift. I tried for years, and sometimes it seemed to be getting better, but he'd always revert to that selfish, selfish man.The last big fight was 11 years ago, and we haven't spoken since. That fight stemmed from the fact that he refused to see my brother's first child in the hospital - he was born with complications and spent the first month in an incubator. My father wouldn't go see him because my brother didn't come over on Father's Day (my brother was with his newborn in the hospital). When I tried to intervene and explain to my father "do you understand that you have a grandson in an incubator?", his exact words were "@#$% that baby - where''s my father's day card?"

I'm 50, and well beyond wanting any relationship. If he suddenly becomes "nice" it would only be due to end of life regret. He can die without his kids around, which will likely be the case. 

Good post, Steeler - it's definitely ok to not have a relationship with a parent. It's more on them than it is us. 

jwb said:

When I tried to intervene and explain to my father "do you understand that you have a grandson in an incubator?", his exact words were "@#$% that baby - where''s my father's day card?"

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Wow

Well written post Steeler, it sounds like you tried every reasonable attempt.

 One of the biggest surprises in life is running into people that have never matured beyond about 19 years old and still blame everyone else for their problems. Lots of examples were mentioned in this thread.

Man, i can't imagine thinking either one of my parents were a piece of crap and having no relationship with them.  I have mad respect for both my parents and I not only talk to them but see them every week.

This thread is a bummer

My dad was a #### up when I was a kid, and by the time I left high school and moved on to the military we had no real relationship.. I'd lived those last four years with my mom as the previous years with him and his new lady/her family had been almost too miserable for me to bear as a kid.  He'd been fairly abusive and was all about being a manly man - I was too soft for him and, even though I was at the very least OK at baseball, I'm positive he thought that I would turn out gay.. his efforts to "remedy" that ####ed with my head pretty bad. He picked all this up from his dad no doubt.  As one does.  But he grew as a man in his older age, stopped abusing alcohol which I think was a big factor, and we mended our relationship over time, after I became a father and would bring my kids out to see him.  So.. people do change, if they want to.. by the time HE died a few months ago he was truly a good man, a good hearted go-getter with a new family and a sea of people who adored him to prove it.  

Maybe those four years of high school where I had moved away actually helped alleviate that bitterness from my childhood, on both our sides, not sure.  We never talked about any of that again, which is fine.

Meanwhile his dad is somehow still alive, and still an #######  

My Dad has been dead for 25+ years, and I never had the chance to have an adult relationship with him.  I have a son turning 21 next week and will cherish every beer we can drink together while discussing the mundane.

Sometimes I read these stories and I want to tell you guys "Just give him one more chance!" And then I see "@#$% that baby - where's my father's day card?" and I realize I should just shut up.

If grandchildren don't soften em up, well, some men, you just can't reach