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Is a marriage of convenience doable? (1 Viewer)

D

dutch

Footballguy
So I have this friend, lets call him dutch, and he and his wife have been having ever increasing relationship problems.  This has been going on for years but now things are coming to a head and dutch wants out.  So dutch told the mrs. of his intentions and this of course sent the fair maiden into a tailspin for a couple of days.  She now has an idea that perhaps we they can stay together for financial reasons(it's a paycheck-to-paycheck couple) and acknowledge the marriage done but still remain together as roomates of sorts.

Is this a good idea?  dutch doesnt think so but he does see the utility of it and while the arrangement would be awkward at first perhaps it's the way to go.

Any thoughts?

 
Do "dutch" and his lady own the house or are they renting? What other financials are they tied to together. Overall, not a good idea IMO, but it could make sense in the short term. 

 
Thoroughly emotionless from start to finish?  Doable.

An actual marriage devolving into this type of relationship?  Not doable.  Emotions will screw this up sooner rather than later.

 
rent and all bills like cable,bge, etc. are easily seperated out but currrently bundled.  Credit cards out individual responsibility.   No car payment.

 
Keith R said:
Thoroughly emotionless from start to finish?  Doable.

An actual marriage devolving into this type of relationship?  Not doable.  Emotions will screw this up sooner rather than later.
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This is my durch's thinking as well.

 
I've been married to the 183 mile-marker on I-80 in Wyoming since a homeless minister i was hitching & tripping with performed the ceremony 46 yrs ago and there has been neither sex or recriminations since, so its possible.

 
14 is tough. I would make sure he knows whats going on. I think it would be a huge disservice to him to see how you act toward each other and him thinking that's how marriage looks. Even if you dont fight. 

 
Is the 14 year old going through he'll because of your problems or are there other things going on with him?

If it's just because you two won't stop fighting, he'll be better off when you get divorced. 

4 years seems like a really long time. if you ever plan on finding someone else ,  that's time you don't get back. 

 
Did you change your avatar to reflect what your current home will feel like under this type of arrangement?

If the kid is already going through hell with this, maybe he's better off with the two of you making a clean break and being around parents who are happier? And not feeling like he's the reason you guys are miserable for another four years?

Sorry dutch's friend.

 
Our fighting is causing his anguish.  We do try but aren't always very good about being nice to each other in front of him.  

 
dutch said:
Our fighting is causing his anguish.  We do try but aren't always very good about being nice to each other in front of him.  
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Your fighting won't stop because you're roommates and not husband/wife. It may actually get worse as you have feelings of "why am I still being around this woman?" popping up so frequently.

 
RUSF18 said:
Did you change your avatar to reflect what your current home will feel like under this type of arrangement?

If the kid is already going through hell with this, maybe he's better off with the two of you making a clean break and being around parents who are happier? And not feeling like he's the reason you guys are miserable for another four years?

Sorry dutch's friend.
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Actually, the avatar reflects today's situation but I believe nothing will change.  I also think we are better off just splitting.  Our son will at least not have to be around me being angry and sullen all the time.  

Some info I hadn't thought to put in the op but which is pertinent, I am the one looking to get out, she is desperate to keep us whole.

 
I would say that if it's really over, you should really consider the divorce route. It may, after healing, allow you both to focus on what's important for your kid.

Financially it can be tough, but it also protects you from liability for each other's actions.

 
The wife and I tried this for awhile.  Over a two+ year period we went through three different marriage therapists, she had her own therapist, I was allowed to get some strange ( :pickle: ), and we just basically lived separate lives under the same roof.  But it was miserable, for both of us, and while she was willing to continue on like that I wasn't and I finally broke it off.  For me it was a combination of life being too damned short to spend years being miserable, and not wanting my child to think that what she was seeing was what she could expect in an adult relationship and marriage. 

It wasn't easy.  My kid was 7 at the time and it was really tough for a few years, and financially it was a nightmare for me - stuck in a crappy apartment for 3 years while paying alimony and child support, despite having my kid 1/2 the time.  But we got through it and everyone is happier now.  The ex and I are each in good relationships now, and everyone gets along pretty well.  And most importantly to me, my kid isn't growing up thinking being miserable is normal.

 
SoylentGreen said:
The wife and I tried this for awhile.  Over a two+ year period we went through three different marriage therapists, she had her own therapist, I was allowed to get some strange ( :pickle: ), and we just basically lived separate lives under the same roof.  But it was miserable, for both of us, and while she was willing to continue on like that I wasn't and I finally broke it off.  For me it was a combination of life being too damned short to spend years being miserable, and not wanting my child to think that what she was seeing was what she could expect in an adult relationship and marriage. 

It wasn't easy.  My kid was 7 at the time and it was really tough for a few years, and financially it was a nightmare for me - stuck in a crappy apartment for 3 years while paying alimony and child support, despite having my kid 1/2 the time.  But we got through it and everyone is happier now.  The ex and I are each in good relationships now, and everyone gets along pretty well.  And most importantly to me, my kid isn't growing up thinking being miserable is normal.
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This place is great, I just knew someone here had experience with this kind of setup.  

SG, really sorry to hear of your bad times but I am glad you were able to get through them and end up in the positive.  Your post is about what I think I would be headed toward if I did this arrangement.  I just cant see it working out and our son would be even more messed up.  Thanks for posting, I appreciate it.

 
dutch said:
So I have this friend, lets call him dutch, and he and his wife have been having ever increasing relationship problems.  This has been going on for years but now things are coming to a head and dutch wants out.  So dutch told the mrs. of his intentions and this of course sent the fair maiden into a tailspin for a couple of days.  She now has an idea that perhaps we they can stay together for financial reasons(it's a paycheck-to-paycheck couple) and acknowledge the marriage done but still remain together as roomates of sorts.

Is this a good idea?  dutch doesnt think so but he does see the utility of it and while the arrangement would be awkward at first perhaps it's the way to go.

Any thoughts?
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The Clintons have made it work for decades..

 
Some married couples essentially become roommates. They can even be happy in that state.  I think if you want to stay together for the sake of your son until he's done with high school then it has to be that kind of arrangement. He doesn't necessarily need to be aware that you're in that kind of arrangement. If you can be gracious, supportive and even loving in that time remaining to one another then that's a fine model for him.

 
This reminds me a a story I saw about a dude on Reddit that started a thread about wanting an open relationship with his so.  He didn't get any tail, and she had no problem.  I realize this is a different situation, but it could end with the same catastrophic result.  

 
I was in Dutch's spot about 4-5 years ago. No dots for two years now but we are soldiering on, at least until son graduates hs this spring/summer. We still have the occasional dust-up but find they are shorter and less intense now that I have given up emotionally... I'm sure that is some sort of character flaw on my part. I think it was the right move but concerned that my son won't know how to create a loving relationship... time will tell I guess. Good luck to your friend, Dutch.

 
I vote NO - DON'T ####### DO IT!

Look.... It's over when it's over.  If you stay for "the kids", it really doesn't make sense when the kid is 14 and knows anyway.

Not to mention that allimony will increase the next 4 years, any retirement you gain in the next 4 years will be subject to the divorce... You will be REALLY pissed if you happen to win the lottery in 2 years.  Just saying.

 
I was 12 when my parents told me they were getting divorced. My brothers were 7 and 2. 

Yeah, it was sort of rough going through it, but I can't imagine how I would have felt knowing that my parents kept living together and being miserable just for my sake . Within a couple of years, seing them apart became the new norm. 

Don't make yourself miserable just so that your son (who is old enough to know what is going on and is being negatively affected by the toxic atmosphere) can live in a fantasy world where everything is fine.

 
Sure, why not?  Seems like she isn't dying to fight for friend-of-Dutch's love, but isn't looking to strike out on her own.  

There are a lot, a LOT, of marraiges like this, but they don't make it clear, it's not said.

 
Wife and I have this exact implied relationship at least for the foreseeable future.  The nest will be empty in 11 years at which point I'll reevaluate.  It could end sooner if she decides to go that route.  We don't talk about any of this.  Its just evolved to this.  

 
Ned said:
What would the sleeping arrangements become?  
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I sleep on a mattress in the living room, she gets the bed/bedroom.  It started becasue I snore but I like the separation so it works for me.

 
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Rattle and Hum said:
I was in Dutch's spot about 4-5 years ago. No dots for two years now but we are soldiering on, at least until son graduates hs this spring/summer. We still have the occasional dust-up but find they are shorter and less intense now that I have given up emotionally... I'm sure that is some sort of character flaw on my part. I think it was the right move but concerned that my son won't know how to create a loving relationship... time will tell I guess. Good luck to your friend, Dutch.
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based on my situation and hearing from some others in this thread it doesn't seem you are that far out of the ordinary.  Sorry for your situation R&H.  btw, I've checked out too.

 
NutterButter said:
Wife and I have this exact implied relationship at least for the foreseeable future.  The nest will be empty in 11 years at which point I'll reevaluate.  It could end sooner if she decides to go that route.  We don't talk about any of this.  Its just evolved to this.  
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That sucks NutterButter, sorry to hear to it.  Thanks for sharing.

 
I think both people have to be quite strong-willed and dedicated for this to work.  Living for your kids sounds noble and possibly feasible, but most people need more emotional connection than that.

It obviously won't work with boyfriends/girlfriends.

 
11 years !?!? You people are lunatics. 

You're doing more harm than good unless there are extenuating circumstances  (a special needs child that requires constant care)

 
dutch said:
She doesn't want the relationship to be over.
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This is the prob w what you're asking.. 

A gen ago, when there was still significant stigma to divorce, a lot of "over" couples agreed to be roommates for the kids and it worked out fairly well for many i know. But the agreement had to come with it - that put enough of the tension aside to make it work. If the finances of separation will destroy all your lives, it might be worth trying to get her to come to terms but, without that, it's likely a fool's errand.

 
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