Thread---Marital Advice (1 Viewer)

[supermike80]

Ok..Wife and I had a tiff yesterday.
Here in Detroit, it was 71 Monday. On Sunday, I texted my golf group and asked if anyone wanted to play 9 holes. Couple guys replied. Ok all good.
Monday morning before leaving for work, I told the wife I was gonna play after work. You know, letting her know.
When I got back, she asked who went with me. I told her Jon and Mark. She was furious I didn't tell her Sunday when I made the plans. I told her I didn't understand what possible difference that made. Keep in mind this had zero impact on her schedule, or any plans we may have had. It was a regular Monday.
So we fought. Probably after I told her to stop being a nag. (Bad idea).
But seriously? Am I wrong here? I told her in advance but apparently it wasn't in advance enough. WTF. Do I have to keep her posted on any and all thoughts at all times?
Marriage is stressful man.

 

[jvdesigns2002]

Every relationship is different- so I’m certainly not answering for everyone. In full disclosure- I’m single by choice as I don’t want marriage or kids. With that said, I think if you sign up for marriage- you are signing up for a heightened level of communication. You probably should have mentioned something to her on Sunday when you made the plans. If she planned an excursion with her girlfriends, do you think she’d only let you know hours in advance?

 

[supermike80]

Every relationship is different- so I’m certainly not answering for everyone. In full disclosure- I’m single by choice as I don’t want marriage or kids. With that said, I think if you sign up for marriage- you are signing up for a heightened level of communication. You probably should have mentioned something to her on Sunday when you made the plans. If she planned an excursion with her girlfriends, do you think she’d only let you know hours in advance?

Ok then I guess that's where we are different. On a regular day. if she had told me in the morning that she was going out with the girlfriends after work, I wouldn't have cared one little bit when she made the plans. Why would I care???

 

[beer 30]

Assuming it didn't impact any schedules as you said then there is something else stuck in her craw. Married just shy of 30 years and if she lights you up over nothing it is almost always 100% because of something else you did that pissed her off and she didn't say anything. So wtf did you do?

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Assuming it didn't impact any schedules as you said then there is something else stuck in her craw. Married just shy of 30 years and if she lights you up over nothing it is almost always 100% because of something else you did that pissed her off and she didn't say anything. So wtf did you do?

Bingo

 

[belljr]

You want the right answer or the answer to make you feel better....

 

[bigbottom]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

 

[supermike80]

Assuming it didn't impact any schedules as you said then there is something else stuck in her craw. Married just shy of 30 years and if she lights you up over nothing it is almost always 100% because of something else you did that pissed her off and she didn't say anything. So wtf did you do?

Well yeah..THAT"s always a given. This I know.

 

[supermike80]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

 

[Peak]

Every relationship is different- so I’m certainly not answering for everyone. In full disclosure- I’m single by choice as I don’t want marriage or kids. With that said, I think if you sign up for marriage- you are signing up for a heightened level of communication. You probably should have mentioned something to her on Sunday when you made the plans. If she planned an excursion with her girlfriends, do you think she’d only let you know hours in advance?

Ok then I guess that's where we are different. On a regular day. if she had told me in the morning that she was going out with the girlfriends after work, I wouldn't have cared one little bit when she made the plans. Why would I care???

I think thats where every relationship is different too....

I would have told my wife on Sunday and it wouldn't have been early enough. She would've told me about her night out 5mins before she left and expected it to be okay. I pick and choose which hills to die on. This wouldn't have been one of them. No matter when you would have told her, it would've been wrong.

After you made the call on Sunday? She'd had said "Why didn't you ask me first? We could've went out? Or maybe I had made plans for us?"
Before you made the call on Sunday? She'd had said "Are you sure that's what you want to do? I guess, but I don't know why you'd want to do that."

But of course she won't offer you the same courtesy, so why does it matter?

 

[Anarchy99]

Random thoughts . . .

- Are you fully expecting logic to help you in situations like this? You can't use logic in an emotional argument. Ain't gonna work out in your favor.
- As already suggested, apologize, admit fault, and promise to do better next time. That applies to pretty much everything, not just golf.
- Rinse and repeat . . . meaning the next time, ask her before you make plans and get her blessing first.
- After that, how often you "remember" to ask her or tell her is up to you. But be prepared to go through this cycle multiple times.

 

[bigbottom]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

There’s really nothing to get other than, for me, I’m only going to argue with my wife about things that matter. And being right for the sake of being right isn’t really something that matters to me. And if she wants me to let her know when I make plans, that’s an easy enough accommodation for me to make.

 

[supermike80]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

There’s really nothing to get other than, for me, I’m only going to argue with my wife about things that matter. And being right for the sake of being right isn’t really something that matters to me. And if she wants me to let her know when I make plans, that’s an easy enough accommodation for me to make.

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

 

[D-Day]

She's probably mad because SHE had plans with Jon or Mark and you screwed that up. Now she has to go to plan B and go camping with Steve.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

There’s really nothing to get other than, for me, I’m only going to argue with my wife about things that matter. And being right for the sake of being right isn’t really something that matters to me. And if she wants me to let her know when I make plans, that’s an easy enough accommodation for me to make.

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

Should elephants fly while doing differential equations?

 

[dgreen]

She's probably mad because SHE had plans with Jon or Mark and you screwed that up. Now she has to go to plan B and go camping with Steve.

Yeah, I'm confused about that part of the story. Seems irrelevant...unless it isn't.

 

[bigbottom]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

There’s really nothing to get other than, for me, I’m only going to argue with my wife about things that matter. And being right for the sake of being right isn’t really something that matters to me. And if she wants me to let her know when I make plans, that’s an easy enough accommodation for me to make.

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

Sure. But I’m not giving your wife marital advice.

 

[Anarchy99]

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

It takes two people to argue, and as long as one of you doesn't engage and participate, a lot of anger and hostility over pretty irrelevant things can be avoided. If, as you say, "this doesn't matter," then why were you fighting?

 

[dgreen]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

Realizing that you don't get it and may never get it is step 1. Step 2 is then realizing that there are things about you that she doesn't get and may never get. Step 3 would then be to either make an effort to get it or concluding that whether or not you get it or not, you'll choose to change your own behavior to accommodate her.

 

[supermike80]

She's probably mad because SHE had plans with Jon or Mark and you screwed that up. Now she has to go to plan B and go camping with Steve.

WELL DONE! I agree..That's an angle I did not consider. Or...Better twist. Had I told her Sunday, she could have had time to set something up. I ruined that.

 

[supermike80]

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

It takes two people to argue, and as long as one of you doesn't engage and participate, a lot of anger and hostility over pretty irrelevant things can be avoided. If, as you say, "this doesn't matter," then why were you fighting?

Well like I said...telling her she was nagging did not help the situation. At all. You'd think that after 30 years together, I would learn that wives do not like to be called nags. So that ones on me 100%

 

[Dan Lambskin]

Start hiding money

 

[Gr00vus]

As said, she was probably upset about something else (which she may not even consciously realize). But to be clear, the way you wrote it it seems like she wasn't upset that you went and didn't tell her, it seems like she was upset that you went with Mark and Jon and didn't tell her that's who you were going to be with. Does she have a problem with those guys?

 

[supermike80]

As said, she was probably upset about something else (which she may not even consciously realize). But to be clear, the way you wrote it it seems like she wasn't upset that you went and didn't tell her, it seems like she was upset that you went with Mark and Jon and didn't tell her that's who you were going to be with. Does she have a problem with those guys?

Nah..She has no issues with those guys. and I did tell her, that morning. I am inclined to agree there's something else under this.

 

[Anarchy99]

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

It takes two people to argue, and as long as one of you doesn't engage and participate, a lot of anger and hostility over pretty irrelevant things can be avoided. If, as you say, "this doesn't matter," then why were you fighting?

Well like I said...telling her she was nagging did not help the situation. At all. You'd think that after 30 years together, I would learn that wives do not like to be called nags. So that ones on me 100%

I think we are all guilty of that at times. I tell my wife sometimes that the leash was pulling a little too much on a certain topic. One of our issues is a lot of rules or expectations don't go both ways. For example, my wife wants a full play-by-play of what I am planning, where I am going, who I am going with, when I will be back, and have at least 2 days' notice (not that she will make any plans). In her case, she will make sudden plans and won't do any of those things she demands of me. I could point out the inequality of that, but instead I relish . . . if not bask in . . . having the house to myself.

 

[3C's]

A few years shy of 40 years married. Yesterday I got a text about shooting some pool after work but I didn't reply right away because I wanted to let my wife know first. It's just the courteous thing to do.

 

[zamboni]

Without knowing your wife - and knowing very little about women in general after being married 27 years - my guess is it sounds like a control/courtesy issue where she didn’t have the opportunity to say “no problem”.

 

[Ilov80s]

Assuming it didn't impact any schedules as you said then there is something else stuck in her craw. Married just shy of 30 years and if she lights you up over nothing it is almost always 100% because of something else you did that pissed her off and she didn't say anything. So wtf did you do?

Yeah this is probably it. She's mad/annoyed/upset about something else- maybe something she isn't even fully aware of or doesn't want to directly address.

Other options are she's just a bit volatile or your past precedent is to give more notice but you would know that if this was the case and wouldn't likely be posting here about it.

 

[supermike80]

A few years shy of 40 years married. Yesterday I got a text about shooting some pool after work but I didn't reply right away because I wanted to let my wife know first. It's just the courteous thing to do.

Ok but credit is where it's due. Couple buddies wanted to go to a concert, and wanted it to be just the guys. I had same day timing to reply because the seats were filling up. I declined. Told them and the wife I didn't want to do that without talking to her about it first. Got no credit for that.

 

[Mister CIA]

My link (single/divorced guy)

 

[Ilov80s]

A few years shy of 40 years married. Yesterday I got a text about shooting some pool after work but I didn't reply right away because I wanted to let my wife know first. It's just the courteous thing to do.

Every couple has a history and precedent, so if that is yours then it would make sense if your wife got confused or suspicious if you do something differently. In my marriage, neither one will ever clear their plans with the other unless they think it could cause a schedule conflict.

 

[Anarchy99]

A few years shy of 40 years married. Yesterday I got a text about shooting some pool after work but I didn't reply right away because I wanted to let my wife know first. It's just the courteous thing to do.

Ok but credit is where it's due. Couple buddies wanted to go to a concert, and wanted it to be just the guys. I had same day timing to reply because the seats were filling up. I declined. Told them and the wife I didn't want to do that without talking to her about it first. Got no credit for that.

Just spit balling and throwing out ideas here, but can you set up a blanket policy for things like concerts? Maybe ask her now that if someone asks you in the future to go and tickets will be gone in 8 seconds that you have her blessing to say yes without tracking her down and discussing it?

 

[Gally]

She is mad because if she would have known Sunday that you were golfing Monday she would have been able to make plans with her friends for the same time but since you didn't tell her until the day of she didn't have time to do that so while you were out having fun she was at home stewing over how mad she is that you got to have fun and she didn't.


It reminds me of a scene from Rules of Engagement. The married guy (Jeff) kept a spreadsheet of everytime his wife screwed up and he didn't get mad. Then he would go to the "bank" when he screwed up and bring back a similar incident where she screwed up and he didn't get mad to diffuse her anger. It was quite brilliant. Very underrated show if you haven't seen it. It's on Amazon Prime.

 

[bigbottom]

A few years shy of 40 years married. Yesterday I got a text about shooting some pool after work but I didn't reply right away because I wanted to let my wife know first. It's just the courteous thing to do.

Ok but credit is where it's due. Couple buddies wanted to go to a concert, and wanted it to be just the guys. I had same day timing to reply because the seats were filling up. I declined. Told them and the wife I didn't want to do that without talking to her about it first. Got no credit for that.

Well, now I understand why she had the expectation that she did.

 

[gianmarco]

Weird, I don't remember starting this thread....

 

[Mookie]

Married 30 years.
I always run alternate plans (not involving the wife) by her at the first opportunity. Her response is usually "No problem - Have fun." I then have to write it on the calendar and remind her about it 14 times.
She informs me of her alternate plans about 30 minutes before she leaves, even though she made the plans about a month ago.
There is no equity, and I'm OK with it.

 

[General Malaise]

My greatest mistake was getting married a second time......

 

[Andy Dufresne]

30th anniversary for me and the missus today. I think we're cooking steak on the grill.

Unfortunately, that's not a euphemism.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

30th anniversary for me and the missus today. I think we're cooking steak on the grill.

Unfortunately, that's not a euphemism.

Congrats, GB! Our 30th is coming up in June -- no big plans either.

 

[TheFatKid]

Are Jon and Mark good influences on you or do they lead you into activities found in The Hangover movie?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

There’s really nothing to get other than, for me, I’m only going to argue with my wife about things that matter. And being right for the sake of being right isn’t really something that matters to me. And if she wants me to let her know when I make plans, that’s an easy enough accommodation for me to make.

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

"As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice: You can either be right or you can be happy."

 

[jwb]

30th anniversary for me and the missus today. I think we're cooking steak on the grill.

Unfortunately, that's not a euphemism.

Congrats, GB! Our 30th is coming up in June -- no big plans either.

25th this year. We'll probably do a weekend somewhere drivable. Or buy a new outdoor griddler. Either works for me so she can decide.

 

[Zow]

Talk to me about where she lets you store your pushcart...

 

[Zow]

Are you seeking marital advice per the thread title? If so, my advice is that you should have said “I’m sorry. In the future, I’ll be sure to let you know when I make plans at the time I make them.”

Ok..In the interest of marital stability I get that. Happy wife happy life. But I don't get it

There’s really nothing to get other than, for me, I’m only going to argue with my wife about things that matter. And being right for the sake of being right isn’t really something that matters to me. And if she wants me to let her know when I make plans, that’s an easy enough accommodation for me to make.

Ok but let me flip that. Shouldn't SHE only fight about things that matter? Cause to me, this doesn't matter

"As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice: You can either be right or you can be happy."

RIP Ralphie May

 

[Zow]

Well, you were definitely wrong if you called her a "nag." That isn't going to end well.

 

[ChiefD]

30th anniversary for me and the missus today. I think we're cooking steak on the grill.

Unfortunately, that's not a euphemism.

Congrats, GB! Our 30th is coming up in June -- no big plans either.

Same to both of you.

We celebrate ours in June as well. 20 years this year. This is my second marriage, so I always tell her I'm celebrating 23 years of marriage this year.

PSA: don't do that fellas...

 

[nysfl2]

She is mad because if she would have known Sunday that you were golfing Monday she would have been able to make plans with her friends for the same time but since you didn't tell her until the day of she didn't have time to do that so while you were out having fun she was at home stewing over how mad she is that you got to have fun and she didn't.


It reminds me of a scene from Rules of Engagement. The married guy (Jeff) kept a spreadsheet of everytime his wife screwed up and he didn't get mad. Then he would go to the "bank" when he screwed up and bring back a similar incident where she screwed up and he didn't get mad to diffuse her anger. It was quite brilliant. Very underrated show if you haven't seen it. It's on Amazon Prime.

Yeah, that would piss my wife off like nothing else

 

[Willie Neslon]

You "let her know" the day after you made the plans. You were supposed to "ask her" before you reached out to the golf group.

 

[UncleZen]

My wife and I got married in our 40's so we both are old enough that the little things just don't bother us and we don't argue. When we start up arguing, we both just take a time out and go do other things and forget about it. It's important to learn that most of the crap you argue about isn't important. Just suck it up and let it go. As was said earlier, you can be right or you can be happy. I chose happy and know deep down inside that I was right.

 

[D-Day]

Well, you were definitely wrong if you called her a "nag." That isn't going to end well.

And she will never let it go. She will bring it up all the time, and want to rehash it over and over and over. There really should be a term for this kind of behavior.