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Wise men helping young bucks. (1 Viewer)

Soulfly3

Soulfly3

Footballguy
Give us marriage advice for let's say.... 15yrs down the road (hitting your 40s and onwards... Things you wish you knew, were made aware of, told to pay attention to. 

Living thru the age of "once they have a kid/hit 30, they change" currently, and ozark s3 right now, w an older fella at work warning us "this is the horror women become later in life"...

Let's hear it. Positives or negatives.

 
One piece of advice I can give is to try not to overthink things.  This seems easy on the surface, but it actually requires you to take a few steps back in your evolutionary development.  At the base of everything is our true animalistic urges.  Most people don't realize much of what they are doing is instinctual.  For example, the concept of the alpha in the family.  This needs to be established immediately.  The wife's father instinctually will feel as though he is the alpha and will constantly challenge you until he is beat.  I recommend quickly putting him in his place by mowing his lawn.  He may try and challenge you back through cuisine, like demanding you eat moose steaks.  Eat the moose steak and then order pops a box of them along with other exotic game for Christmas.  He will soon realize who the true alpha is.

 
brun said:
 Don't keep score. You may feel right or justified or superior, but it won't make you happy. 
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The biggest lesson to learn is right here.  Its not a competition.  The good stuff finds space once you remove the scoreboard.

Once you find space for good things don't get in the way of spiritual development because that is what we are all here for.  We are not here for the obvious surface mirage of breeding and feeding.  We all are working on ourselves in deep meaningful ways that we may not even be consciously aware of so don't get in each other's way on the big spiritual picture with material things.

 
Relationships are work. Don’t expect every day to be perfect or every year even to be great. There are going to be rough patches. Establishing good open communication is extremely important and making love an action rather than an emotion ultimately had huge rewards. And sometimes even when you don’t feel like it, doing things that show love for your wife often leads to the emotional feeling to follow as well.

Now I’m not saying to just get walked all over or live in purgatory, but I am saying that people aren’t perfect and no relationship is perfect. It requires work and grace and forgiveness at times.

 
brun said:
Don't keep score. You may feel right or justified or superior, but it won't make you happy. 
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This is good. I also try to not take things to personal. I am often unsuccessful at this but when I am it's worth it. I have been married 23 years. I will admit the the last years have not been easy. If we did not have kids I am not sure I would put the effort into keeping the marriage going.

 
Joe Bryant said:
For me, I think it's something along the lines of "It's not all about you". That's a simple line that probably takes a few books to unpack. But that's a start. 
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See, this line is one that drives me nuts. Because sometimes the other half doesn't see the whole picture when it comes to whatever they are discussing. My wife will lazily throw that line out there just to try and "win" the argument.

 
When you are teaching your daughter how to make a catapult in the living room and you hit the router and cause the internet to reset while your wife is in the middle of a skype call, just play dumb.

Also refer to the catapault as a swiffer duster just in case your wife doubles back and asks your daughter what happened.

 
She's always right.. Once you get that in your head things go well..

Side note...... Will be married for 29 years this June and I'm still trying to learn this ;)  

 
In all seriousness though...
If you feel an argument is about to brew take a minute or so to think "Is this something that is going to matter in a week or two" ?

A lot of arguments are "heat of the moment"  and later, as you look back, you realize it was not worth arguing over. 
It is a tough thing to do when in the heat of the moment.....

But in the end, if it isn't something that will matter in a week or two, was it worth :argue:  about in the first place? 

 
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Any problems you have before you get married will only get more prominent.  So pick problems/issues you're willing to live with and/or work on.  Everybody has flaws -- make sure yours are compatible with hers.

Put her well-being ahead of your own as often as you can.  Or at least on the really important stuff and when she's struggling.  Look for creative solutions if it's not obvious how to do this.

Marry someone who can live with your flaws and is willing to put your well-being first sometimes too.

 
Being finances are a HUGE issue in every marriage...if you are considering marriage with someone ask yourself...would you start a business with this person.  Now granted, not everyone is a business savant but if your answer is "Hell No" your "company" or marriage, if you will will have issues being 1 of you is a bad business partner. 

If the answer is hell no doesn't mean don't marry the person...or maybe it does.. just means be prepared 

 
Psssh all this "advice" is emotional crap!!!!

Here is some real advice...

Whenever she asks you to do something you don't want to (dishes, laundry, cook,whatever)...screw it up a couple times.  Be prepared to be yelled at but just take it.

After the second or third time she'll never want you to do it again!!!

Then years down the road if she complains, you can always say, hey you asked me to stop doing it. . 

That's a winning strategy!!!!

 
belljr said:
Psssh all this "advice" is emotional crap!!!!

Here is some real advice...

Whenever she asks you to do something you don't want to (dishes, laundry, cook,whatever)...screw it up a couple times.  Be prepared to be yelled at but just take it.

After the second or third time she'll never want you to do it again!!!

Then years down the road if she complains, you can always say, hey you asked me to stop doing it. . 

That's a winning strategy!!!!
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Winner.

I shrunk a pair of my wife's jeans 18 years ago when we got together. Last time I had to do laundry.

 
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belljr said:
Psssh all this "advice" is emotional crap!!!!

Here is some real advice...

Whenever she asks you to do something you don't want to (dishes, laundry, cook,whatever)...screw it up a couple times.  Be prepared to be yelled at but just take it.

After the second or third time she'll never want you to do it again!!!

Then years down the road if she complains, you can always say, hey you asked me to stop doing it. . 

That's a winning strategy!!!!
Click to expand...
I do this at work from time to time.  I think that might be a Costanza-ism.

 
The minister who married us gave us this piece of wisdom during our pre-marital counseling:

If you have an issue, solve it immediately. If it remains unsolved it bubbles under the surface as other issues start to pile on top of it. And eventually, that one issue will come to the surface out of nowhere and open up a floodgate of potential problems.

 
I'm an ol' wiseguy, but my record wasnt so good. Though i was with my wife for 12 yrs before she passed, we broke up several times. We had simply ruined the other for anyone else, so we'd end up back together. Outside that relationship, six wks was pretty strong for me.

Nonetheless, i have a couple of tips. #1, never forget the girl you fell in love with and remind her of that in the times when you do remember. The more out-of-the-blue, the better. It takes a powerful attraction for people to even think of committing to lives together but, once they have, it seems the first thing they forget.

#2 is weird but, if you dont wanna hafta beg for sex later on, develop a relationship with your lady's down under. It used to be easier to do because they actually were furry mammals, but i always liked to befriend it early on. Talk to it, pat/kiss it gently, non-sexually, tell  it a joke now & then. A women's bidness is a source of girlish shame and womanly discomfort as well as a gate they have to guard all their lives. It's good for it to see a friendly face once in a while. nufced

 
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belljr said:
Psssh all this "advice" is emotional crap!!!!

Here is some real advice...

Whenever she asks you to do something you don't want to (dishes, laundry, cook,whatever)...screw it up a couple times.  Be prepared to be yelled at but just take it.

After the second or third time she'll never want you to do it again!!!

Then years down the road if she complains, you can always say, hey you asked me to stop doing it. . 

That's a winning strategy!!!!
Click to expand...
:lmao:   But it works.. even if you are not trying...
Many, many years ago ( over 15 years) I was doing laundry and didn't notice one of her outfits was mixed in the "Regular" laundry and put it in the dryer. 
Well, suffice it to say it shrunk down to doll size.

Since then, I am not allowed to do laundry unless it is only mine.. 

 
Cheeky Monkey said:
No lies

Make sure you like your partner more than you love them before you decide to get married.   
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:goodposting:  might be cliché, but if you can't call your S.O. your best friend, you might want to reconsider if they are your life partner.

Especially in today's world with everyone quarantined to their house with no real time away from each other.

 
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Cheeky Monkey said:
No lies

Make sure you like your partner more than you love them before you decide to get married.   
Click to expand...
Yeah I've reached the I love my wife but not sure I like her as a friend portion of our 22 years together :)

My wife was never my best friend.   Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and we get along great for the most part.  But there are definitely "fights" that bubble over from this.  Mainly we really don't have a lot in common.  Which is ok for some things but ideally I wish we had a little more common ground, we probably would have had 

 
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Dated for 2 yrs, then married at age 20.  Still going strong after 33 yrs of marriage.  Here are some of my tips:

- Marry an uggo - remember, you can't turn into a fat slob if you marry a hottie
- Have your kids early - the later you have them, the faster they can kick your ###
- Set the bar low - the quicker you start forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, etc., the more money you save later
- Keep her self-esteem low - wifey won't let you try new sex stuff if she thinks she can do better than you
- Do not get life insurance - you are less likely to get murdered if you are worth more alive than dead

 
belljr said:
Psssh all this "advice" is emotional crap!!!!

Here is some real advice...

Whenever she asks you to do something you don't want to (dishes, laundry, cook,whatever)...screw it up a couple times.  Be prepared to be yelled at but just take it.

After the second or third time she'll never want you to do it again!!!

Then years down the road if she complains, you can always say, hey you asked me to stop doing it. . 

That's a winning strategy!!!!
Click to expand...
:thumbup:  

However, thanks to this quarantine, my wife has been realizing just how many tasks I've succeeded in weaseling out of this way.* Presently, she's not too upset about them, but I need this quarantine to end. 

*I truly am really, really, bad at like half of them and really look lack the ability to distinguish between dirty and clean. 

 
Cheeky Monkey said:
No lies

Make sure you like your partner more than you love them before you decide to get married.   
Click to expand...
My wife was the first girl I could hang out with and enjoy the time the same whether or not we had sex. Couldn't say that about any of the girls I had dated prior (where I did genuinely enjoy their company but can't honestly say I still would choose to spend hours with them if there wasn't sex also involved). 

 
Good stuff in here.

I'll add:  GET TO KNOW HER FAMILY FIRST.  Do not - REPEAT - DO NOT marry a person if you don't know and get along with their family first and vice versa.  I promise you, speaking from experience, if you think or feel like there is any potential trouble down the line with her mom or dad or siblings or if your family is having any issues with your SO, bail outta there.  Marriage won't fix those and god help you if/when you get in a situation where you are in the middle of a fight between your spouse and your family or are at odds with your spouse's family.  It's a horrible situation and there are no winners.  Having babies won't fix this.  Moving a million miles away won't fix this.  

Make DAMN sure you get along with your potential spouse's family and make doubly sure she gets along with yours.  Trust me.

 
1.  Marry a woman that loves you more than you love her

2.  Marry woman that does the same drugs/alcohol you do and at the same frequency.  

3.  You don't need to have all the same hobbies, but have some hobbies in common is nice.

4.  Don't pretend to be someone you aren't to get a woman to marry you

5.  When you are dating, don't tell a woman what you are looking for in a woman, or else she will be #4

6.  Don't marry a woman who is seeing a psychiatrist or therapist.  (this one may seem unfair, but mental issues get worse over time and modern medicine usually makes things worse)

7.  This is tough to pull off, but sign a prenuptial agreement.  Either you will get divorced or you won't.  If you don't, there is no harm done.  If you do, then why let lawyers get rich off of you?

 
General Malaise said:
Good stuff in here.

I'll add:  GET TO KNOW HER FAMILY FIRST.  Do not - REPEAT - DO NOT marry a person if you don't know and get along with their family first and vice versa.  I promise you, speaking from experience, if you think or feel like there is any potential trouble down the line with her mom or dad or siblings or if your family is having any issues with your SO, bail outta there.  Marriage won't fix those and god help you if/when you get in a situation where you are in the middle of a fight between your spouse and your family or are at odds with your spouse's family.  It's a horrible situation and there are no winners.  Having babies won't fix this.  Moving a million miles away won't fix this.  

Make DAMN sure you get along with your potential spouse's family and make doubly sure she gets along with yours.  Trust me.
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I agree with this. And if your potential spouse is in a situation where she has to choose between you and her parents or a close sibling, you're going to lose. 

 
This one is a little lighter, but if at all possible (and it's tough) try to find somebody who enjoys the same music or has musical taste that you can learn to enjoy.  If he/she listens to something you can't stomach, it's not going to get any better when she blasts ZBOP Jammin 100 in the house after an argument in year 4 of marriage.  For music nerds, this is key.  

 
Bracie Smathers said:
The biggest lesson to learn is right here.  Its not a competition.  The good stuff finds space once you remove the scoreboard.

Once you find space for good things don't get in the way of spiritual development because that is what we are all here for.  We are not here for the obvious surface mirage of breeding and feeding.  We all are working on ourselves in deep meaningful ways that we may not even be consciously aware of so don't get in each other's way on the big spiritual picture with material things.
Click to expand...
user name doesn't check out

 
General Malaise said:
This one is a little lighter, but if at all possible (and it's tough) try to find somebody who enjoys the same music or has musical taste that you can learn to enjoy.  If he/she listens to something you can't stomach, it's not going to get any better when she blasts ZBOP Jammin 100 in the house after an argument in year 4 of marriage.  For music nerds, this is key.  
Click to expand...
Your presence is requested in the Songs about Food draft

 
snogger said:
She's always right.. Once you get that in your head things go well..

Side note...... Will be married for 29 years this June and I'm still trying to learn this ;)  
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This.  33 years.  Put family first.  Date night.  Flowers for no reason at all.  Coach your kids.  Bicycle, hike, walk the dog together nearly every day.  Spend quality time together. 

 
have balance and enjoy the experiences - life is short. The things I will remember most on my death bed are the trips and moments with my wife and kids, not the late nights at the office ( although some of those are needed to finance the lifestyle)

In short, no one ever lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more.........

 
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Thorpe said:
1.  Marry a woman that loves you more than you love her

2.  Marry woman that does the same drugs/alcohol you do and at the same frequency.  

3.  You don't need to have all the same hobbies, but have some hobbies in common is nice.

4.  Don't pretend to be someone you aren't to get a woman to marry you

5.  When you are dating, don't tell a woman what you are looking for in a woman, or else she will be #4

6.  Don't marry a woman who is seeing a psychiatrist or therapist.  (this one may seem unfair, but mental issues get worse over time and modern medicine usually makes things worse)

7.  This is tough to pull off, but sign a prenuptial agreement.  Either you will get divorced or you won't.  If you don't, there is no harm done.  If you do, then why let lawyers get rich off of you?
Click to expand...
Sage advice here. I would tweak #6 slightly, but agree with the overall premise. 

 
General Malaise said:
This one is a little lighter, but if at all possible (and it's tough) try to find somebody who enjoys the same music or has musical taste that you can learn to enjoy.  If he/she listens to something you can't stomach, it's not going to get any better when she blasts ZBOP Jammin 100 in the house after an argument in year 4 of marriage.  For music nerds, this is key.  
Click to expand...
Been married for 20 years - and one of my biggest mistakes during my time with my wife was listening to country music.  At the time, she didn't listen to it at all and made fun of me.  I didn't listen to it a lot but liked some country.  Somehow while dating she morphed from a 80's/90's pop fan to all country all the time.  It drove me insane then and it drives me insane to this day and I have only myself to blame.  It's gotten to where I almost refuse to listen to country that I actually like because she won't change the damn channel.  I will say it's one area where I put my foot down more than others.  I have control over what gets played a good percentage of the time but when she controls it, it's all country, all the time.  Ack - kill me!

 
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AAABatteries said:
Been married for 20 years - and one of my biggest mistakes during my time with my wife was listening to country music.  At the time, she didn't listen to it at all and made fun of me.  I didn't listen to it a lot but liked some country.  Somehow while dating she morphed from a 80's/90's pop fan to all country all the time.  It drove me insane then and it drives me insane to this day and I have only myself to blame.  It's gotten to where I almost refuse to listen to country that I actually like because she won't change the damn channel.  I will say it's one area where I put my foot down more than others.  I have control over what gets played a good percentage of the time but when she controls it, it's all country, all the time.  Ack - kill me!
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Guessing this is bro country and not the good, outlaw country?  

 
Marry your equal.  I hear so many guys say, "My wife won't let me do...".  That's a load of crap.  She isn't your mother - she is your partner. 

Even the above saying "She's always right" - no - no she isn't - and neither are you.  If "she is always right" then you are afraid of your wife and she rules your relationship.

Other learnings:

  • Credit card debt is the devil - don't do it
  • Put as much as you can right now into index funds in your 401k and don't touch it.  Take a portion of every raise and increase it until you are maxed out.
  • Buy a house, but rent your fun - example:  I love boats.  Don't buy a boat - rent a boat for when you use it.  (sorry Joe!)
  • Choose experiences over things
  • Take time to appreciate the simple things
  • Find a career in something you enjoy doing
  • Be kind - even to people you don't know
  • Leave good tips to people in the service industry - unless they REALLY don't deserve it.
 
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Marry a woman who has a good work ethic and is on the same page with you regarding children and your gambling habits.

 
This is a funny video that shows the significant difference of how men and women resolve. We fix, they process. It makes zero sense to us (I’m 48 and it still makes no sense to me), but you just need to recognize the difference and help them the way they want to be helped...not the way you think they should be helped. My buddies and I constantly say or text to one another, “it’s not about the nail,” and the other nods - then changes course. 

 
lakerstan said:
Marry your equal.  I hear so many guys say, "My wife won't let me do...".  That's a load of crap.  She isn't your mother - she is your partner. 

Even the above saying "She's always right" - no - no she isn't - and neither are you.  If "she is always right" then you are afraid of your wife and she rules your relationship.

Other learnings:

  • Credit card debt is the devil - don't do it
  • Put as much as you can right now into index funds in your 401k and don't touch it.  Take a portion of every raise and increase it until you are maxed out.
  • Buy a house, but rent your fun - example:  I love boats.  Don't buy a boat - rent a boat for when you use it.  (sorry Joe!)
  • Choose experiences over things
  • Take time to appreciate the simple things
  • Find a career in something you enjoy doing
  • Be kind - even to people you don't know
  • Leave good tips to people in the service industry - unless they REALLY don't deserve it.
Click to expand...
Love this list...

 
  • Smile
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