Otis
Footballguy
Look up there! What is it? It's a bird! It's a plane! No, no, definitely a bird!
OMG.
It's a HAWK.
BOOM.
Greetings sportsfans. It's September. This is what you've been waiting for, as you've been pummeled with e-mails from guys with names like Bob, Joe, Drew, Steve, Henry, Aaron, Jason; as you've been creasing the corners on your sweet FANTASY mags; as you've been loading up apps, and dominators, and dominatrixes, and VBDs and ADPs and IDPS. This is what you've been smiling about as you go to sleep each night, your head hitting your pillow like a kid on Christmas eve. "Coach is coming. Coach is coming."
Coach is here.
First, apologies for our delay. We got tied up in Hawk HQ this season, after we got hit with some viruses and DOS attacks and whatnot from the guys over at FFToday or The Huddle or Fantasy Flyer, or whatever the hell they're called. But that's all behind us now. We're recovered, and we're here, and we've got the best fantasy content you'll see this side of the net.
You want to really show the guys in your league who's boss? Throw away your first round pick. Seriously. Toss it. When you're sitting around the table and your pick comes up and everyone looks at you, just politely say "pass," then nonchalantly take a sip of your beer. Do the same thing in the second round. Let them laugh. That's just a sign of their insecurity. The quiet ones are the ones who are realizing, right at that very moment, that they aren't dealing with just any ordinary fantasy magic football guy. This is a real life hawk, sitting right across the table from them, and the one thing that is going through their mind is what they should be putting in the Memo field of the $50 check they are writing to you, because this fantasy season has already ended for them. It’s like the schoolyard bully taking everyone’s lunch money, except he doesn’t have to ask--the kids just line up and fork it over.
This is it. The 2015 All-Value All-Otis All-Day All-Hawk Team. Toss your first few picks in the crapper and start from scratch. Don't be the nerd who brings a stack of handwritten notes to the draft. Don't be the even bigger nerd who's got an extension cord running out poolside and asking Jake for the Wifi password because you need to fire up a draft spread sheet on your tablet. No. Instead, you roll in without any cheatsheets or sheet cheats or draft rankings or ADPs or APDs; when it's your turn in the first few rounds, you just politely decline to pick. Grab a few beers, wait for the mid-rounds, and then make fantasy history.
Babe Ruth wasn't great because he was chubby and won a bunch. He was great because he called his shots and then smashed baseballs out of stadiums. Step up to Hawk level, call your shot, and show the dorks from your buddy's college fraternity how it's done.
With that said, let's sharpen up the claws and have at it...
QB
What's even weirder is the nerds in your fantasy league, who supposedly agonize about this crap all year long, taking 13 other QBs off the board before someone takes Rivers. That's just insane.
Keenan Allen will emerge from a sophomore slump with a chip on his shoulder and a new man who helps move the chains all day every day. Ledarius Green is going to continue to catch a touchdown basically every time the ball is within 10 feet of him. Gordon and Little Ollie are going to keep taking it to the house on dump-offs. And Rivers is going to profit.
Take him at QB 14 or 15, after all the other nerds have picked QBs, and end up with a guy who finishes top 5.
Top 5 QB finish
RB
THE DUKE. Enter Duke Johnson. What a great name. If you're going to have a baby and make him be an NFL football star, calling hime "Duke" is a great way to get there. He's also going to be the lead runner on an improving Cleveland Browns team that will start the season slow but finish strong, and the Duke will be the engine of this offense.
When you draft him somewhere around RB42, fully expecting you are getting a top 15 RB, you need to draft him with pizazz. You've maybe been pretty laid back the rest of the draft, but this is the time to get animated -- look up at everyone, then widen your eyes, then stand up, slam your beer down on the table, and yell, "the DUKE!!!."
Top 15 RB finish
Jamaal Charles has about a million miles on those wheels at this point, and it's going to start to show. Make no mistake, he WILL get nicked up. And when he does, Knile Davis, probably the best backup RB in the league, will swoop in and win championships for fantasynerds everywhere.
At RB45, you're getting a guy who is ready to bust at the seams. He's been a dynamo whenever he's gotten the playing time. This year, he'll get more of he playing time. So you draft him late, and you end up with a guy who will shoulder the load for your team come playoff time.
RB12-RB16 finish
WR
He is WR70+ off the board right now. But he's a guy who has the talent and conviction to lead this league in a bunch of categories. If there is a guy who can come out of nowhere to jump into the top 15, it's him. That said, we'll predict conservatively that he'll finish between WR 25-30.
Top 25-30 WR
Markus Wheaton is a 12 dollar pack of cigarettes on sale for less than half that. He is a young stud on the verge of a breakout. If you don't draft Markus Wheaton in your drafts this year, you might want to think about picking up other hobbies. Don't listen to what your friends say, there is absolutely nothing shameful about collecting stamps. Also, model rockets can be fun. These days they have all sorts of cool ones, like model rockets you can build that look like Star Wars planes, and, like, you know, ones that look like the Top Gun fighter jets. I mean, Maverick and Goose right? C'mon?!
In other words, there are lots of other things you can do with your talents I'm sure, and none of those things has to be lame, or boring. It can all be cool. We're all cool. That's what's so great about us as people. We're all different and special in our own ways, and that's what makes us unique and individual.
Markus Wheaton is unique and special because he can help you beat all your nerdy friends in fantasy football.
Top 20 WR
TE
Maybe your leaguemates don't like winning. Maybe they haven't paid enough attention to football this year or last year for that matter. Maybe they drink too much. Maybe their wives don't give them much attention at home, and their kids aren't doing well in school, and they're really frustrated with the neighbor who dumps his grass clippings over the property line. Maybe they're still dealing with the fact that their parents got divorced when they were young, and to this day they still have that dream that they're drowning, and they wake up in a panicked sweat, and they always feel like they have something to prove. Maybe they just have no confidence because Jim in accounting totally got into their heads. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're not a therapist, you're not there to make a donation, you're there to win.
Green is freakishly big, fast, strong, has incredibly good hands, has had another year of tutelage from one of the best TEs of all time, and has an undeniable ability to help you win. Oh, and with Gates suspended, he'll start hot. By playoff time, this guy will be rolling at top 5 TE production. At TE28, that's
Top 5 TE
K
Stay tuned, fly high and stay dry my feathered friends.
- Coach
OMG.
It's a HAWK.
BOOM.
Greetings sportsfans. It's September. This is what you've been waiting for, as you've been pummeled with e-mails from guys with names like Bob, Joe, Drew, Steve, Henry, Aaron, Jason; as you've been creasing the corners on your sweet FANTASY mags; as you've been loading up apps, and dominators, and dominatrixes, and VBDs and ADPs and IDPS. This is what you've been smiling about as you go to sleep each night, your head hitting your pillow like a kid on Christmas eve. "Coach is coming. Coach is coming."
Coach is here.
First, apologies for our delay. We got tied up in Hawk HQ this season, after we got hit with some viruses and DOS attacks and whatnot from the guys over at FFToday or The Huddle or Fantasy Flyer, or whatever the hell they're called. But that's all behind us now. We're recovered, and we're here, and we've got the best fantasy content you'll see this side of the net.
You want to really show the guys in your league who's boss? Throw away your first round pick. Seriously. Toss it. When you're sitting around the table and your pick comes up and everyone looks at you, just politely say "pass," then nonchalantly take a sip of your beer. Do the same thing in the second round. Let them laugh. That's just a sign of their insecurity. The quiet ones are the ones who are realizing, right at that very moment, that they aren't dealing with just any ordinary fantasy magic football guy. This is a real life hawk, sitting right across the table from them, and the one thing that is going through their mind is what they should be putting in the Memo field of the $50 check they are writing to you, because this fantasy season has already ended for them. It’s like the schoolyard bully taking everyone’s lunch money, except he doesn’t have to ask--the kids just line up and fork it over.
This is it. The 2015 All-Value All-Otis All-Day All-Hawk Team. Toss your first few picks in the crapper and start from scratch. Don't be the nerd who brings a stack of handwritten notes to the draft. Don't be the even bigger nerd who's got an extension cord running out poolside and asking Jake for the Wifi password because you need to fire up a draft spread sheet on your tablet. No. Instead, you roll in without any cheatsheets or sheet cheats or draft rankings or ADPs or APDs; when it's your turn in the first few rounds, you just politely decline to pick. Grab a few beers, wait for the mid-rounds, and then make fantasy history.
Babe Ruth wasn't great because he was chubby and won a bunch. He was great because he called his shots and then smashed baseballs out of stadiums. Step up to Hawk level, call your shot, and show the dorks from your buddy's college fraternity how it's done.
With that said, let's sharpen up the claws and have at it...
QB
- Philip Rivers
What's even weirder is the nerds in your fantasy league, who supposedly agonize about this crap all year long, taking 13 other QBs off the board before someone takes Rivers. That's just insane.
Keenan Allen will emerge from a sophomore slump with a chip on his shoulder and a new man who helps move the chains all day every day. Ledarius Green is going to continue to catch a touchdown basically every time the ball is within 10 feet of him. Gordon and Little Ollie are going to keep taking it to the house on dump-offs. And Rivers is going to profit.
Take him at QB 14 or 15, after all the other nerds have picked QBs, and end up with a guy who finishes top 5.
Top 5 QB finish
RB
- Duke Johnson
THE DUKE. Enter Duke Johnson. What a great name. If you're going to have a baby and make him be an NFL football star, calling hime "Duke" is a great way to get there. He's also going to be the lead runner on an improving Cleveland Browns team that will start the season slow but finish strong, and the Duke will be the engine of this offense.
When you draft him somewhere around RB42, fully expecting you are getting a top 15 RB, you need to draft him with pizazz. You've maybe been pretty laid back the rest of the draft, but this is the time to get animated -- look up at everyone, then widen your eyes, then stand up, slam your beer down on the table, and yell, "the DUKE!!!."
Top 15 RB finish
- Knile Davis
Jamaal Charles has about a million miles on those wheels at this point, and it's going to start to show. Make no mistake, he WILL get nicked up. And when he does, Knile Davis, probably the best backup RB in the league, will swoop in and win championships for fantasynerds everywhere.
At RB45, you're getting a guy who is ready to bust at the seams. He's been a dynamo whenever he's gotten the playing time. This year, he'll get more of he playing time. So you draft him late, and you end up with a guy who will shoulder the load for your team come playoff time.
RB12-RB16 finish
WR
- Allen Hurns
He is WR70+ off the board right now. But he's a guy who has the talent and conviction to lead this league in a bunch of categories. If there is a guy who can come out of nowhere to jump into the top 15, it's him. That said, we'll predict conservatively that he'll finish between WR 25-30.
Top 25-30 WR
- Markus Wheaton
Markus Wheaton is a 12 dollar pack of cigarettes on sale for less than half that. He is a young stud on the verge of a breakout. If you don't draft Markus Wheaton in your drafts this year, you might want to think about picking up other hobbies. Don't listen to what your friends say, there is absolutely nothing shameful about collecting stamps. Also, model rockets can be fun. These days they have all sorts of cool ones, like model rockets you can build that look like Star Wars planes, and, like, you know, ones that look like the Top Gun fighter jets. I mean, Maverick and Goose right? C'mon?!
In other words, there are lots of other things you can do with your talents I'm sure, and none of those things has to be lame, or boring. It can all be cool. We're all cool. That's what's so great about us as people. We're all different and special in our own ways, and that's what makes us unique and individual.
Markus Wheaton is unique and special because he can help you beat all your nerdy friends in fantasy football.
Top 20 WR
TE
- Ladarius Green
Maybe your leaguemates don't like winning. Maybe they haven't paid enough attention to football this year or last year for that matter. Maybe they drink too much. Maybe their wives don't give them much attention at home, and their kids aren't doing well in school, and they're really frustrated with the neighbor who dumps his grass clippings over the property line. Maybe they're still dealing with the fact that their parents got divorced when they were young, and to this day they still have that dream that they're drowning, and they wake up in a panicked sweat, and they always feel like they have something to prove. Maybe they just have no confidence because Jim in accounting totally got into their heads. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're not a therapist, you're not there to make a donation, you're there to win.
Green is freakishly big, fast, strong, has incredibly good hands, has had another year of tutelage from one of the best TEs of all time, and has an undeniable ability to help you win. Oh, and with Gates suspended, he'll start hot. By playoff time, this guy will be rolling at top 5 TE production. At TE28, that's
Top 5 TE
K
- LOL
Stay tuned, fly high and stay dry my feathered friends.
- Coach
