A note to my coworker ... (2 Viewers)

[WampusCat43]

Dear overly-large co-worker woman:

I offered you a piece of my wife's delicious homemade fudge, not the whole freakin' box! The bleeding's stopped, but I think I'm going to lose a couple fingernails. Next time I'll just throw it at you and run. For someone who packs three bills and has bad knees, you're gator quick.

Keep packin' it in,

Wamp

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Dear overly-large co-worker woman:

I offered you a piece of my wife's delicious homemade fudge, not the whole freakin' box! The bleeding's stopped, but I think I'm going to lose a couple fingernails. Next time I'll just throw it at you and run. For someone who packs three bills and has bad knees, you're gator quick.

Keep packin' it in,

Wamp

 

[Shooter McGavin]

Dear old and unattractive ladies,

Hearing you lusting over the ripped guys in the "300" movie is enough to bring the vomit to the back of my throat. Please don't make me envision you horny.

Heavingly,

Shootah

 

[belljr]

Dear old and unattractive ladies,Hearing you lusting over the ripped guys in the "300" movie is enough to bring the vomit to the back of my throat. Please don't make me envision you horny. Heavingly,Shootah

WampusCat43 post Yesterday, 04:51 PMDear overly-large co-worker woman:I offered you a piece of my wife's delicious homemade fudge, not the whole freakin' box! The bleeding's stopped, but I think I'm going to lose a couple fingernails. Next time I'll just throw it at you and run. For someone who packs three bills and has bad knees, you're gator quick.Keep packin' it in,Wamp

I think we all work with this guy

 

[Ty Webb]

Just so you know, I can read your e-mails letting me know of a minor inconvenience you encountered (and successfully overcame easily) because of me, without you using red type and even without the underlines. Thanks for your time.

 

[The Juggernaut]

Dear Everyone at my office,

I am about to head into work. It's Friday. Please keep all drama to a minimum. Let's just get through this day. Deal?

Hung-Overly Yours,

Jugs.

 

[The Juggernaut]

Dear Everyone at my office,I am about to head into work. It's Friday. Please keep all drama to a minimum. Let's just get through this day. Deal?Hung-Overly Yours,Jugs.

Dear afore-mentioned office staff,Really? REALLY????? You couldn't even give me enough time to walk to my office door and get it unlocked before the crap started? Really? Okay, deal's off. Prepare for hell.Curmudgeonly yours,Juggs

 

[Irregardless]

Dear Everyone at my office,I am about to head into work. It's Friday. Please keep all drama to a minimum. Let's just get through this day. Deal?Hung-Overly Yours,Jugs.

Dear afore-mentioned office staff,Really? REALLY????? You couldn't even give me enough time to walk to my office door and get it unlocked before the crap started? Really? Okay, deal's off. Prepare for hell.Curmudgeonly yours,Juggs

ETA - GB Fridays

 

[Apes with Guns]

Yes, I've heard that one before.

###.

 

[wadegarrett]

Dear Annoying Female Coworker,

I understand your kid is sick. Again. You don't have to fake cough or fake sniffle every time one of us in the office walks by. We know you're calling in sick tomorrow. Again. Enjoy your free vacation days. Again.

Wishing I could punch you in the face,

wg

 

[Wooderson]

Dear I can't stand you any longer

We all knew you would call in sick today as soon as you found out the boss man was going to be gone. I'm sure you have a big day of eating nachos and playing WOW. Good luck with all of that.

Level Up..

Wooderson

 

[Shooter McGavin]

Dear Chickstache,

Honestly, how do you expect me to listen to anything you're saying when that small animal looks ready to attack at any time? There's a reason I don't look directly at you.

Waxily,

SM

 

[SuperJohn96]

Dear Miss DoctorPhoneHoliday (aka DPH),

Please keep the phone calls all day long to your juvie sons at a minimum. At the very least, KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN! I don't need to know that your son got caught being stoned at work and got fired. I don't care that your other son got his girlfriend knocked up and now that she is staying at your house, how you are pissed that she isn't helping clean up the house while you are busy and 'hard at work'. I don't care how you have migraines and foot problems and depression and that the top drawer of your desk looks like a GD pharamacy with all the drugs you are on. I don't care about how your husband wants to go to Vegas and you want to go someplace nice for your vacation.

I DON'T EFFIN CARE ALL RIGHT?

Mostly I am pretty funny guy at work, but when are near me, I have to tune out all the joking and fun because your laugh sounds like a dying goose, and it makes my skin crawl to hear it.

Plus you look like Skeletor. If you were my Mom, I would be stoned out of my gourd all the time too.

Regards,

SJ96

 

[Steelnation]

Dear loud and annoying cube mate,

Do you not realize I can hear all of your personal phone conversations? Do you think everyone wants to know about your utterly pathetic lack of a social life and how you are miserable? Oh and your slightly psychotic laugh is scary....



Sincerely,

Turing on my iPod......NOW

 

[wadegarrett]

Dear Annoying Female Coworker,I understand your kid is sick. Again. You don't have to fake cough or fake sniffle every time one of us in the office walks by. We know you're calling in sick tomorrow. Again. Enjoy your free vacation days. Again.Wishing I could punch you in the face,wg

Too late. She's already gone. Now I have to do her work. AGAIN!

 

[mr. furley]

Dear 19-year old co-ed with the impossibly fit body,

YES, i will continue to send you confusing emails that require you to come to my desk for further explanation.

YES, i will attempt to secretly ogle your while you look down at your papers.

YES, i will stare at your taut ### as you walk away.

Up to and until the point at which i get fired.

Please don't ever get wise to it.

 

[Wooderson]

Dear 19-year old co-ed with the impossibly fit body,YES, i will continue to send you confusing emails that require you to come to my desk for further explanation.YES, i will attempt to secretly ogle your while you look down at your papers.YES, i will stare at your taut ### as you walk away.Up to and until the point at which i get fired.Please don't ever get wise to it.

My job sucks.

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

Only-hot-woman-in-my-office:

Let me impregnate you. TIA.

NT

 

[Sack-Religious]

Dear 19-year old co-ed with the impossibly fit body,YES, i will continue to send you confusing emails that require you to come to my desk for further explanation.YES, i will attempt to secretly ogle your while you look down at your papers.YES, i will stare at your taut ### as you walk away.Up to and until the point at which i get fired.Please don't ever get wise to it.

My job sucks.

Furley's got some horrid co-workers based on his previous work in this thread, so even with the co-ed, I don't know if he's yet broken even.

 

[mr. furley]

Dear 19-year old co-ed with the impossibly fit body,YES, i will continue to send you confusing emails that require you to come to my desk for further explanation.YES, i will attempt to secretly ogle your while you look down at your papers.YES, i will stare at your taut ### as you walk away.Up to and until the point at which i get fired.Please don't ever get wise to it.

My job sucks.

Furley's got some horrid co-workers based on his previous work in this thread, so even with the co-ed, I don't know if he's yet broken even.

seeeeeeeriously.this chick and the intern we just hired are 2 out of 20 extremely ugly, annoying, bitter, middle-aged hags.it's nowhere near enough to balance the ledger.

 

[bane]

Dear Miss DoctorPhoneHoliday (aka DPH),

Please keep the phone calls all day long to your juvie sons at a minimum. At the very least, KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN! I don't need to know that your son got caught being stoned at work and got fired. I don't care that your other son got his girlfriend knocked up and now that she is staying at your house, how you are pissed that she isn't helping clean up the house while you are busy and 'hard at work'. I don't care how you have migraines and foot problems and depression and that the top drawer of your desk looks like a GD pharamacy with all the drugs you are on. I don't care about how your husband wants to go to Vegas and you want to go someplace nice for your vacation.

I DON'T EFFIN CARE ALL RIGHT?

Mostly I am pretty funny guy at work, but when are near me, I have to tune out all the joking and fun because your laugh sounds like a dying goose, and it makes my skin crawl to hear it.

Plus you look like Skeletor. If you were my Mom, I would be stoned out of my gourd all the time too.

Regards,

SJ96

You obviously sit very close to me

 

[Oscar]

Dear 19-year old co-ed with the impossibly fit body,YES, i will continue to send you confusing emails that require you to come to my desk for further explanation.YES, i will attempt to secretly ogle your while you look down at your papers.YES, i will stare at your taut ### as you walk away.Up to and until the point at which i get fired.Please don't ever get wise to it.

Very nice!

 

[Thorn]

Dear Mystery Guy Somewhere in this Office,

How hard is it to flush a urinal? For real. Let me tell you nothing quite comes close to the smell of stale urine that's been percolating for a while. If you're a germophobe, use your elbow, foot, even carry my stapler in there with you for Christ's sake, but flush the ### #### thing!

Holding my breath,

Thorn

 

[Bob Loblaw]

Dear fatty boom batty,

I don't care about your horse.

Bob

 

[Draftnik]

Dear middle aged recent divorcee:

I'm sorry that 15 years ago, you outkicked your coverage and that your good-looking ex-husband who coaches high school girls soccer is knee deep in Orange County MILF's right now, but for the love of god, please put down the chardonnay and back away from me.

I know you melted down your wedding ring to go to fat camp and get a makeover to start your new life, but guess what? I still have one on my finger, thank you very much. And, BTW, if I ever do cheat on my wife, go to Vegas and unload your entire 401k that it's going to be with someone 15 years younger than me, NOT 15 years older.

And let me save you 5 minutes of your time and another round of embarassment -- don't bother with the sales rep who made $1 million last year (that's right, one too many glasses of vino one night of the sales conference and you were talking a little too loud at breakfast the next morning...) he's not interested either.

 

[Jayded]

Dear women I work with,

Thanks for oversharing your personal lives. The fact that ALL of you needed plan B at some time this week tells me we might need to schedule a sex ed seminar for the next company outing.

Tiredly yours,

The guy with the window

 

[Mrs. BSR]

Dear middle aged recent divorcee:I'm sorry that 15 years ago, you outkicked your coverage and that your good-looking ex-husband who coaches high school girls soccer is knee deep in Orange County MILF's right now, but for the love of god, please put down the chardonnay and back away from me.I know you melted down your wedding ring to go to fat camp and get a makeover to start your new life, but guess what? I still have one on my finger, thank you very much. And, BTW, if I ever do cheat on my wife, go to Vegas and unload your entire 401k that it's going to be with someone 15 years younger than me, NOT 15 years older.And let me save you 5 minutes of your time and another round of embarassment -- don't bother with the sales rep who made $1 million last year (that's right, one too many glasses of vino one night of the sales conference and you were talking a little too loud at breakfast the next morning...) he's not interested either.

That's just sad.

 

[Keys Myaths]

Dear middle aged recent divorcee:I'm sorry that 15 years ago, you outkicked your coverage and that your good-looking ex-husband who coaches high school girls soccer is knee deep in Orange County MILF's right now, but for the love of god, please put down the chardonnay and back away from me.I know you melted down your wedding ring to go to fat camp and get a makeover to start your new life, but guess what? I still have one on my finger, thank you very much. And, BTW, if I ever do cheat on my wife, go to Vegas and unload your entire 401k that it's going to be with someone 15 years younger than me, NOT 15 years older.And let me save you 5 minutes of your time and another round of embarassment -- don't bother with the sales rep who made $1 million last year (that's right, one too many glasses of vino one night of the sales conference and you were talking a little too loud at breakfast the next morning...) he's not interested either.

Ow.

 

[msommer]

Dear Co-worker from abroad,

Usually you are too busy to take care of the issues that pertain to me, that's fine I delegate as well. Unfortunately for me today you succeeded in wasting 6 hours of my life. Why did you have to visit my department when you had absolutely nothing to bring to the table and danced around every single issue that was brought up. Why do you pretend to have any influence with the powers that be when you are clearly just a time server?

Thank God that you are bothering another department tomorrow and Thursday. Thank God that you are travelling next time I visit the HQ so I can discuss matters with someone who is not an utter moron, even if they are stuck below you in the corporate ladder.

Please find another job soon - far, far away.

Disgusted,

MS

 

[trashman]

Hey Dad, No I will not move the cows to the other side of the pasture. I've been vacinating calves all morning and been fixing fence all afternoon. If you want the cows to feed, then put out hay on the north side or move them yourself. Thanks, trashman

Can't the cows just move themselves?

Not when your going to plow and plant on the south 50 for the spring.

 

[mrhankey]

Dear Mr. Lumberg,

Let me say this as clearly as possible, I will not be coming in to work this weekend. Do not come to my desk at 2:00 on a Friday and ask me to have something done for you for your 8:00 am meeting on Monday. Your lack of planning is not my problem. I have a weekend of beer drinking and sports watching that requires my full attention. I refuse to give up my responsibilities on the weekend to fulfill your needs, while you stay at home doing whatever it is you do. And by the way, that was not a question...I don't care what you do and do not want to know. If this was not clear enough, let me rephrase....Go F yourself!!!

Resepectfully,

Mr.Hankey

PS...I will no longer be offering the obligatory chuckle to your dry humor. You are not funny, please do not try any more.

 

[mr. furley]

Dear women I work with,Thanks for oversharing your personal lives.

 

[mr. furley]

Dear Weight-Challenged Lady,

You had fairly major surgery on your inner-workings on MONDAY. It's WEDNESDAY. There is absolutely no ####ing way you should be sitting at your desk today moaning and groaning about the surgery... the pain.. the inconvenience.

YOU'RE PROBABLY BLEEDING INTERNALLY.

I know that work is your life and spending a couple days in the hospital, away from the job, would probably kill you... but for #### sake use your limited brain capacity to make the right decision here!

If you keel over and die at your desk today, don't expect any sympathy from me.

 

[Keys Myaths]

Dear guy who won't shut up, ever:

We don't care that you have a date tonight. You've managed to slip it into 6 conversations in the last 30 minutes in the lounge. How you managed to push conversations about NCAA basketball and the movie 300 to your personal life is beyond me. But, when Gail and I are talking about grading papers, and you say, "I have some good news too!", we already know. You're going to bomb tonight anyway, because no self-respecting woman is going to put up with your arrogant, vocabulary-challenged pompous ###. Besides, you reek of desperation and bad cologne, and showing us cute girls you're friends with on Facebook isn't going to help that image.

"I don't consider myself an addict on Facebook, when the majority of the population is rendered the same way." Seriously. When we're all hanging out, use small words. You don't know how to use the big ones.

Oh, and when the only cute girl in the program says she looks bad today, please, dear God don't shower her with over-the-top compliments. She won't look at you twice, much less #### you. Quit trying so damn hard to impress people. You might be surprised at the results.

 

[Draftnik]

Dear lady on Lipitor,

We have a good health plan here, so it's safe to assumt that you didn't buy that drug on a street corner in Tijuana and that you are under a doctor's care, right?

Now I didn't go to medical school, but I feel pretty confident giving this piece of advice: the Carl's Jr. Breakfast Burger (a bacon cheeseburger with a fried egg and hasbrowns on it) is not a sensible breakfast. And that packet of mayo that you just spread on the bun isn't doing a damn thing to improve the nutritional profile (830 calories, 47g fat, 15g sat fat, 275 mg cholesterol -- that's 91% of your RDA before 8 AM...) of that tasty burger you're about to cram down your throat.

Bon Appetit!

 

[Captain Quinoa]

Attention Co-Loser:I know your life suxxors -- wife just left you and slapped a restraining order on your ###, can't afford to get the heat in your car fixed so you are using a can of sterno to defrost your windshield, desperately hoping that your 80's feathered hair and cheesy pron moustache come back into vogue --- but for the love of God when you go out on break to have a smoke or thirty, dousing yourself in cheap cologne does not disguise the stench, it only makes it worse. And while you're at it, why don't you try gargling with some of that cologne because your whiskey breath is MELTING MY ####ING EYEBROWS.Plz die.CQ

Well, now you've gone and done it. Here's a tip: arriving at work so stumbling ### drunk that you can't touch your finger to your hand - let alone your nose - is never a good idea. And the phrase "sleep it off" means at night, at home. Not on company time, in the warehouse behind a stack of plywood.Xanadu,CQp.s. Yes, I believe we really went to the moon. Please try to focus your energy on more important things like remembering to eat. TIA

 

[GTBilly]

Although funnier than hell this thread reeks with an air of superiority. I keep forgetting we all date supermodels, make 6 figures and bench 400lbs but some of this thread is just way too close to:



All the complaining is funny stuff, keep it coming.

Now one from me:

To the annoying sales staff:

Please remember that the installers will occasionally find extras that you didn't see and bill you accordingly. Don't ask why I billed you 1hr to fix that hole in the floor. My invoice stated 1 hr to repair hole in floor. The answer is self explanatory. Stop asking stupid questions.

 

[Shooter McGavin]

Although funnier than hell this thread reeks with an air of superiority.

I keep expecting to see one of my coworkers to post about the annoying #### I do here. Though I'm nowhere near a dysfunctional as the rest of these freaks.

 

[Sack-Religious]

Dear hottie in HR;

When I look at your nice boobs, it's a compliment. NOT harrassment.

Oglingly yours

S-R

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

I keep forgetting we all date supermodels, make 6 figures and bench 400lba

None of these are true for me. There. It's on the record.

 

[Sack-Religious]

I keep forgetting we all date supermodels, make 6 figures and bench 400lba

None of these are true for me. There. It's on the record.

Is this the new "I'll be honest" thread?I'm married to an attractive woman, I make under 6 figures and I don't think I can bench press my weight, 195 lbs.Now I'm on the record, too.

 

[perry147]

Dear new hire

The system you are using has worked flawlessly for the past four year; just because you are too stupid to understand your job does not mean that the system needs to be rewritten. This is adherent to repainting the Mona Lisa in crayon.

PS: Stop calling me.

Dear New hire's boss

You need to train your people so that IT resources are not absorbed answering idiotic questions about basic computer functions. This includes the software used for the day to day operations of the users job.

PS: No I am not available for a training class.

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

I keep forgetting we all date supermodels, make 6 figures and bench 400lba

None of these are true for me. There. It's on the record.

Is this the new "I'll be honest" thread?I'm married to an attractive woman, I make under 6 figures and I don't think I can bench press my weight, 195 lbs.

Now I'm on the record, too.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just meant that I'm married to a supermodel, make 7 figures, and bench 500 pounds.

 

[perry147]

I keep forgetting we all date supermodels, make 6 figures and bench 400lba

None of these are true for me. There. It's on the record.

Is this the new "I'll be honest" thread?I'm married to an attractive woman, I make under 6 figures and I don't think I can bench press my weight, 195 lbs.Now I'm on the record, too.

I married up to an attractive woman but I have been told my tastes are strange in that area.I make under six figure but have a worth far exceeding most people here I believe.I might be able to bench my weight.Now I'm on the record.

 

[Shutterbug]

I saw this on Craig's list, and didn't see it posted here yet. If it's a honda, sorry.Dear guy rubbing one out in the bathroom stall at work,Ok, I get it. You had to rub one out. I know the feeling. Maybe it was thinking about that totally hot little minx in purchasing that got you going. Or you got some steamy email from your wife. Whatever it was, you just needed a little release. We've all been there my friend. But if I may be so bold as to offer a few tips? 1. Location Location Location - Maybe it was the bathroom closest to your desk. Maybe it has bigger stalls for more elbow room. But whatever the reason, the bathroom just off the factory floor is not your best choice. It is huge for a reason. There are about 80-90 workers on that factory floor at all times, plus about 30-40 office workers, and there's almost always at least one person who needs to take a squirt. 2. Silence is Golden - While we all might empathize with your situation, NO ONE WANTS YOU HEAR YOU SLAP YOUR SALAMI!! And we certainly don't want to hear the gentle grunts you were letting out. It was like being forced to listen to the audio of a bad gay porn soundtrack, minus the cheesy Casio keyboard jazz/funk fusion music. Keep it down, will ya? 3. Ms Manners says... - Ok, so you had a poor choice in bathrooms and you are just naturally loud. Even elemental problems such as these can be overcome by following rule #3. When someone comes into the bathroom....STOP!!! Seriously, I'd think that would be the easiest rule to follow. Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ### gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a #### not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn't that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak? 4. Good fences make good neighbors - This is the most important rule of all. If you have been caught rubbing one out in the men's room, do not, under any circumstances, come out of your stall until all affected parties have left the bathroom. I'm never going to be able to get the picture out of my head of you going over to the sink right next to the one I was at, and looking at me in your mirror with a big contented smile while you're washing your hands. They don't make a body soap strong enough for the ick I felt after that. No amount of showering tonight will do it I'm afraid.

 

[Thorn]

I keep forgetting we all date supermodels, make 6 figures and bench 400lba

None of these are true for me. There. It's on the record.

I don't date a supermodel, don't make six figures, and I don't even know what an lba is.

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

I keep forgetting we all date supermodels, make 6 figures and bench 400lba

None of these are true for me. There. It's on the record.

I don't date a supermodel, don't make six figures, and I don't even know what an lba is.

It's like a small, gay pterodactyl.

 

[Captain Quinoa]

It's like a small, gay pterodactyl.

sounds like shining path

 

[wadegarrett]

I HATE HOW YOU IMITATE YOUR 2-YEAR OLD SON!

I DON'T CARE IF HIS BIG BROTHER IS BEATING HIM UP!

 

[Shooter McGavin]

Hey weirdo lady,

Unless you were packing a tiger in that box that you were loudly taping for 15 minutes, I don't think it's getting out. 30 layers of tape ought to do it.

Praising Jeebus for inventing headphones,

SM