Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Person I work with:
I had no idea they invented a mouthwash that is halitosis-flavored. Oh, they didn't? Well ...
I had no idea they invented a mouthwash that is halitosis-flavored. Oh, they didn't? Well ...
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A note to my coworker ... (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Nigel Tufnel
- Start date
Sack-Religious
Footballguy
Please See Mine
Footballguy
Just because this is a law firm does not mean that every single e-mail you send must start with "Please be advised." You drive the shuttle to the train station and unload the dishwasher, mmkay?
belljr
Footballguy
well he's not Canadian but GD this guy doesn't work at my office
Wild Young Billy
A Crazy Cat
Dear fat, loud lady down the hall,
Yes, I understand that you are overweight but I am sure that it has nothing to do with the "Salad" you eat everyday for lunch. No, ma'am the half bottle of blue cheese dressing that you drown your iceberg lettuce in everyday has no calories or fat and has nothing to do with your excessive weight. Nor do the 2 tubs of Edy's ice cream in the freezer here or the two-2 pound bags of peanut M&M's or the 2 jars of dry roasted peanuts on your desk. Your weight is all gene based.
Yes, I understand that you are overweight but I am sure that it has nothing to do with the "Salad" you eat everyday for lunch. No, ma'am the half bottle of blue cheese dressing that you drown your iceberg lettuce in everyday has no calories or fat and has nothing to do with your excessive weight. Nor do the 2 tubs of Edy's ice cream in the freezer here or the two-2 pound bags of peanut M&M's or the 2 jars of dry roasted peanuts on your desk. Your weight is all gene based.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Nice-guy-that-I-talk-sports-with:
Please learn that when I sigh or stretch or say "Good times," that is my signal that our conversation is over. Uncomfortable silences are not my bag, pal.
Please learn that when I sigh or stretch or say "Good times," that is my signal that our conversation is over. Uncomfortable silences are not my bag, pal.
Print Is Dead
Footballguy
Dear receptionist-type-person,
Please do not roll your eyes and sigh when I ask you to do something for me. I realize you have an important game of Snood to get back to, but my faxes won't send themselves.
Lovingly,
Print Is Dead
Please do not roll your eyes and sigh when I ask you to do something for me. I realize you have an important game of Snood to get back to, but my faxes won't send themselves.
Lovingly,
Print Is Dead
Archie Bunker
Footballguy
Dear Loud Mouth Outside My Office,
Please refrain from complaining that you cannot get your work done until you stop calling in sick 1-2 times per week. In that vein, please settle on one ailment. I doubt one person can suffer from bulging neck discs, irritable bowle syndrome, migraines, auto immune deficiency, asthma, insomnia, and chronic back pain all at once.
For the times you are in the office, please stop talking about the minor league hockey players you stalk as if they are your friends.
Thank you.
Please refrain from complaining that you cannot get your work done until you stop calling in sick 1-2 times per week. In that vein, please settle on one ailment. I doubt one person can suffer from bulging neck discs, irritable bowle syndrome, migraines, auto immune deficiency, asthma, insomnia, and chronic back pain all at once.
For the times you are in the office, please stop talking about the minor league hockey players you stalk as if they are your friends.
Thank you.
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flufhed
Footballguy
Nice-guy-that-I-talk-sports-withlease learn that when I sigh or stretch or say "Good times," that is my signal that our conversation is over. Uncomfortable silences are not my bag, pal.
CYP
Champion Truth Teller
To the girl who chews her ice so the entire office can hear it. ####. Stop it, close your mouth, if you don't close it soon I may have to sew it shut. We are all tired of hearing you chew your ice, your chex mix, your chips, whatever it is. You chew like a 3 year old. I'm surprised you don't wear a bib, maybe Ill get you one.
We have all had enough of you.
OH and another thing. WE DONT CARE ABOUT HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO!!!
Guess what #######, I don't do anything, NOTHING and when I say nothing I mean it. Whats that tell me? It tells me you are a stupid loud open mouth chewer who nobody can stand. WE ALL HATE YOU.
Thank You, I feel better now.
We have all had enough of you.
OH and another thing. WE DONT CARE ABOUT HOW MUCH WORK YOU DO!!!
Guess what #######, I don't do anything, NOTHING and when I say nothing I mean it. Whats that tell me? It tells me you are a stupid loud open mouth chewer who nobody can stand. WE ALL HATE YOU.
Thank You, I feel better now.
Warpig
Footballguy
Dear Annoying Co-Worker,
Everyone is tired of your constant #####ing about everything in your life. No one told you to breed when you were in your 40's and now you don't have the patience for your young children. You refuse to call in sick (though you are always sick) with your horrific tuburculosis-esque hack. You are in my cube more than your own and insist on either pulling up one of my chairs and putting your feet on my desk or you stand behind me while you grunt and groan or smack your food playing pocket pool. Are you actually trying to set your balzac on my shoulder? Do you not get the clue when I won't even acknowledge you? I'm busy reading FBG's...go away!
Everyone is tired of your constant #####ing about everything in your life. No one told you to breed when you were in your 40's and now you don't have the patience for your young children. You refuse to call in sick (though you are always sick) with your horrific tuburculosis-esque hack. You are in my cube more than your own and insist on either pulling up one of my chairs and putting your feet on my desk or you stand behind me while you grunt and groan or smack your food playing pocket pool. Are you actually trying to set your balzac on my shoulder? Do you not get the clue when I won't even acknowledge you? I'm busy reading FBG's...go away!
ShoeHorn
Footballguy
Do you work in Maryland and is your name Dave? I'm being very serious.
Mrs. BSR
Footballguy
Do you work in Maryland and is your name Dave? I'm being very serious.
Wingnut
Footballguy
Furley is in cheese land.Do you work in Maryland and is your name Dave? I'm being very serious.
UlyssesNorris
Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child.
To all of my co-workers:
Please alert me to the location of the sign on my desk that says "Enter, all you vapid, self-important gasbags, that you might illuminate my day with your endless mundane tales." Although it's fascinating witnessing the alchemy of your spinning two minutes of facts into a 15-minute discussion, I'd like to remove the sign.
TIA.
Please alert me to the location of the sign on my desk that says "Enter, all you vapid, self-important gasbags, that you might illuminate my day with your endless mundane tales." Although it's fascinating witnessing the alchemy of your spinning two minutes of facts into a 15-minute discussion, I'd like to remove the sign.
TIA.
Angry Beavers
Footballguy
for when not at work!
SeveredHorseHeads
Footballguy
Dear Eastern European Lady,
I understand your not originally from around here, but considering you work in Chicago and you are my boss, you probably shouldn't pull me aside and ask me to point out where "Illi-noise" is on the map. I would like to thank you for doing it though. Single handedly pushed me into sending out a bunch of resumes.
I understand your not originally from around here, but considering you work in Chicago and you are my boss, you probably shouldn't pull me aside and ask me to point out where "Illi-noise" is on the map. I would like to thank you for doing it though. Single handedly pushed me into sending out a bunch of resumes.
Dear receptionist,
I know you are only 5 months pregnant even though you look 12 months pregnant. When I politely ask “how are you doing?” please don’t reply “I feel so ####### huge today.” You know this puts me in the very uncomfortable position of having to reply with an obvious lie such as “I think you look great.” Actually you do look great, for a whale, but you are not technically a whale so please stop fishing for compliments you know are not true.
I know you are only 5 months pregnant even though you look 12 months pregnant. When I politely ask “how are you doing?” please don’t reply “I feel so ####### huge today.” You know this puts me in the very uncomfortable position of having to reply with an obvious lie such as “I think you look great.” Actually you do look great, for a whale, but you are not technically a whale so please stop fishing for compliments you know are not true.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Please stop forwarding me the emails telling stories about the crippling luck I will have if I don't forward said email to my closest 75 friends. Also, the inspirational passages with pictures of dogs and cats hugging each other and #### were cute the first 400 times I got them.
Print Is Dead
Footballguy
Dear dumpy-overweight-CEO-type,
That personal trainer you've been talking about for the last few years is robbing you blind, as you are still morbidly obese. Also, I don't want to hear about your latest expensive snow-mobiling or sailing vacation after you cut employee vacation time last year.
Sincerely,
Print Is Dead
That personal trainer you've been talking about for the last few years is robbing you blind, as you are still morbidly obese. Also, I don't want to hear about your latest expensive snow-mobiling or sailing vacation after you cut employee vacation time last year.
Sincerely,
Print Is Dead
Winning IS Everything
Footballguy
amen brotha!!!!!!!Nice-guy-that-I-talk-sports-with
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
UlyssesNorris
Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child.
We had an epidemic a few years ago of some of our programmers spitting on the floor. That was the worst I'd heard of until now.
General Malaise
Footballguy
nice.To all of my co-workers
Print Is Dead
Footballguy
You don't know Clyde and Evilgrin, do you?We had an epidemic a few years ago of some of our programmers spitting on the floor. That was the worst I'd heard of until now.
Sack-Religious
Footballguy
Dear co-worker;
Please do not try to initiate a conversation with me as I'm exiting a stall and you're entering one. Please do not try to keep the conversation going as I'm washing and drying my hands and you're grunting.
TIA
Please do not try to initiate a conversation with me as I'm exiting a stall and you're entering one. Please do not try to keep the conversation going as I'm washing and drying my hands and you're grunting.
TIA
baaloc1968
Footballguy
Dear coworkers,
Please do not bring your coffee mugs, water bottles, etc. into the bathroom and leave them on the sink while you handle your business.
Also, to the secretary, you aren't fooling anyone when you let the guy from the shredder company into the boss' office to "empty the trash can", follow him in and lock the door behind you.
b
Please do not bring your coffee mugs, water bottles, etc. into the bathroom and leave them on the sink while you handle your business.
Also, to the secretary, you aren't fooling anyone when you let the guy from the shredder company into the boss' office to "empty the trash can", follow him in and lock the door behind you.
b
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
UlyssesNorris
Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child.
Dear woman on the edge:
When I pass your cube and ask, "How's it going?" please stop sighing loudly. I'm making a conscious decision not to stop and ask for the rundown of your woes. In addition, your weeping makes me uncomfortable. From now on, a simple "fine" will suffice.
When I pass your cube and ask, "How's it going?" please stop sighing loudly. I'm making a conscious decision not to stop and ask for the rundown of your woes. In addition, your weeping makes me uncomfortable. From now on, a simple "fine" will suffice.
UlyssesNorris
Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child.
mr. furley
Footballguy
was gonna throw a couple more halves in there but didn't want to confuse the slowfurley took "Jason Kidd, Fractions, and You" as an online college course. It's okay, though. He passed.So, you're saying that he's a large man, too?
MarcO
Footballguy
funny - these are also programmers - or "McCoders" imported from *.istan - NTTIAWWTThe problem is the puddles of water left behind on the floor and the counter - if you lean on the sink you end up with large wet spot > exit bathroom > look like a fool.We had an epidemic a few years ago of some of our programmers spitting on the floor. That was the worst I'd heard of until now.
SeveredHorseHeads
Footballguy
Wow...
GroveDiesel
Footballguy
Dear Co-Worker:
The fact that you are the vice president in a 4 person company is not that impressive. It does not entitle you to drop all of your work on everyone else's desk so that you can go home early 3 days a week. I already make less than half of what you make and am doing the work of 2 people. I don't get paid enough and don't care enough to do your work on top of my own. When I get another job and you can't find anyone else dumb enough to do my job at my pay and you're forced to take a paycut, feel free to pat yourself on the back.
The fact that you are the vice president in a 4 person company is not that impressive. It does not entitle you to drop all of your work on everyone else's desk so that you can go home early 3 days a week. I already make less than half of what you make and am doing the work of 2 people. I don't get paid enough and don't care enough to do your work on top of my own. When I get another job and you can't find anyone else dumb enough to do my job at my pay and you're forced to take a paycut, feel free to pat yourself on the back.
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Guy:
Why the middle stall ... always? Why? Please make an effort to flush from now on, too. Hell, do it twice, if that's what it takes. I'm sick of seeing your science experiment festering in stall two. Thanks so much.
Why the middle stall ... always? Why? Please make an effort to flush from now on, too. Hell, do it twice, if that's what it takes. I'm sick of seeing your science experiment festering in stall two. Thanks so much.
Shutterbug
Try Not To Stare
Is this even possible?
Shutterbug
Try Not To Stare
OK, so I was not the first to question this...was gonna throw a couple more halves in there but didn't want to confuse the slowfurley took "Jason Kidd, Fractions, and You" as an online college course. It's okay, though. He passed.So, you're saying that he's a large man, too?
mr. furley
Footballguy
mr. furley
Footballguy
Furley is in cheese land.Do you work in Maryland and is your name Dave? I'm being very serious.
Wisconsin and my name is Glenn.
BringItOn
Footballguy
Dear Slammer-Guy-
While I realize that you are a complete germ-a-phobe, who needs a paper towel to open the bathroom door on your way out, have you not yet realized that EVERYONE on this floor knows you as "Slammer"??? -Even the women??? Why,you ask??? Well, when you insist on lifting the toilet seat with your shoe every time you take a leak, only to again use your shoe to drop it Very loudly, startling the beejesus out of whomever may be sitting down in the next stall- People will tend to not like you.. Is your aim that bad that the gap at the front of the seat is not wide enough, so the entire seat gets soiled when you go, so you must lift the seat?? How about learning some aim, or Better yet, There are perfectly good urinals against the wall that are just waiting for your use.
While I realize that you are a complete germ-a-phobe, who needs a paper towel to open the bathroom door on your way out, have you not yet realized that EVERYONE on this floor knows you as "Slammer"??? -Even the women??? Why,you ask??? Well, when you insist on lifting the toilet seat with your shoe every time you take a leak, only to again use your shoe to drop it Very loudly, startling the beejesus out of whomever may be sitting down in the next stall- People will tend to not like you.. Is your aim that bad that the gap at the front of the seat is not wide enough, so the entire seat gets soiled when you go, so you must lift the seat?? How about learning some aim, or Better yet, There are perfectly good urinals against the wall that are just waiting for your use.
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CYP
Champion Truth Teller
Do you sit next to me?
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Cubemate:
Why are you shocked when I tell you that I don't like J-Lo's music?
Why are you shocked when I tell you that I don't like J-Lo's music?
igbomb
Footballguy
Then stay out of my office.
MarcO
Footballguy
I wouldn't even think about opening a bathroom door without a paper towel. I've seen too many guys handling their junk and then walk right out the door using that same handle...
Bob Wiley
Footballguy
You watch guys handling their junk? What's wrong with you?
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