SuperJohn96
RPS World Champion
Oops, breast.Outside sales guy, to sales manager, in front of the nice-looking receptionist:"Yeah, I'll make sure to keep you up to breast on that."
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums
This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!
A note to my coworker ... (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Nigel Tufnel
- Start date
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Overheard at work:
Coworker (on the phone): "Yeah, she looks like a Chinese person."
Coworker (on the phone): "Yeah, she looks like a Chinese person."
Captain Quinoa
Footballguy
Word of advise, guy - don't drink. Again. Ever. At least not at a company function. I mean, I get it. I know you were at the company golf outing for the free booze and steak dinner. Nothing wrong with that. And you weren't the only one who had never picked up a golf club before. No problem. (side note: what 40-ish year old white guy doesn't even understand how golfing works? No they don't give you shoes and clubs when you get there. It's not a bowling alley with racks full of shoes that they disinfect and rent out to the next shlub that wanders in. Tell you what, I'll bring clubs for you, and you just show up in some decent clothes and your tennies mmmkay?)
Aaaanyhooter, it really didn't take long to see that you don't get out much, and 3 beers is pretty much your limit. Accepting a shot of tequila from your partner was mistake number one. Accepting an airplane bottle of Jack Daniels from the guy in front of us was mistake two. Don't try to keep up with him. The man has a full sleeve tattoo and several piercings. You have Fonzie hair and pants that zip off into shorts. Oh and tucking your shirt into your Fruit of the Looms is an outstanding look by the way. I'm pretty sure I saw your name sewn on the inside of them. I wanna party with you, Cowboy.
So now we're on 13 and you're Mr Beer Muscles. Yes, they guy who yelled at us from another hole that we were holding up four groups was an idiot. I told him to mind his f'ing business, we moved on, and that was that. Except every 5 minutes thereafter when you had to comment that we should "go back there and kick that guy's (butt)." Umm no. You're 5'8" and a buck-sixty and tanked. Quite frankly I couldn't pick the guy out of a lineup. Hit your ball and get in the cart. Or should I say whiff 15 times and then swing so hard that you fall on your ### and then get back in the cart. And when I say "you're done" and knock your ball away so I can hit, that means stop swinging. And when I get in the cart and say "WE'RE MOVING NOW. I'M GOING TO DRIVE IN FRONT OF YOU. STOP SWINGING." That also means stop swinging. Because when you finally did connect you nearly decapitated my lesbian partner. And by the way, now you ARE holding up four groups.
But you weren't done, were you? Oh no. We're coming up the 16th fairway. At this point I just want to get back to the clubhouse for that steak. But you've got one last trick up your sleeve. Now I've seen plenty of geese on golf courses. And usually when someone says "I'd like to get those things" or "I'm gonna get one of those geese" that means scare them, yell at them, maybe toss a ball toward them. What it never meant, until yesterday, was "I'm going to take off into a full sprint and dive on top of a goose. Then I'm going to carry it back to my teammates like a trophy and tell them to pet it while it flaps helplessly in my arms." No, I'm certain it's never meant that.
So, Fonzie, thanks for the memories, I guess. It was quite a 5 hour ride. But hey, at least I was able to regroup and channel my energy on 17 to win the long drive. $25 gift card
... to Olive Garden :( . sigh.
Aaaanyhooter, it really didn't take long to see that you don't get out much, and 3 beers is pretty much your limit. Accepting a shot of tequila from your partner was mistake number one. Accepting an airplane bottle of Jack Daniels from the guy in front of us was mistake two. Don't try to keep up with him. The man has a full sleeve tattoo and several piercings. You have Fonzie hair and pants that zip off into shorts. Oh and tucking your shirt into your Fruit of the Looms is an outstanding look by the way. I'm pretty sure I saw your name sewn on the inside of them. I wanna party with you, Cowboy.
So now we're on 13 and you're Mr Beer Muscles. Yes, they guy who yelled at us from another hole that we were holding up four groups was an idiot. I told him to mind his f'ing business, we moved on, and that was that. Except every 5 minutes thereafter when you had to comment that we should "go back there and kick that guy's (butt)." Umm no. You're 5'8" and a buck-sixty and tanked. Quite frankly I couldn't pick the guy out of a lineup. Hit your ball and get in the cart. Or should I say whiff 15 times and then swing so hard that you fall on your ### and then get back in the cart. And when I say "you're done" and knock your ball away so I can hit, that means stop swinging. And when I get in the cart and say "WE'RE MOVING NOW. I'M GOING TO DRIVE IN FRONT OF YOU. STOP SWINGING." That also means stop swinging. Because when you finally did connect you nearly decapitated my lesbian partner. And by the way, now you ARE holding up four groups.
But you weren't done, were you? Oh no. We're coming up the 16th fairway. At this point I just want to get back to the clubhouse for that steak. But you've got one last trick up your sleeve. Now I've seen plenty of geese on golf courses. And usually when someone says "I'd like to get those things" or "I'm gonna get one of those geese" that means scare them, yell at them, maybe toss a ball toward them. What it never meant, until yesterday, was "I'm going to take off into a full sprint and dive on top of a goose. Then I'm going to carry it back to my teammates like a trophy and tell them to pet it while it flaps helplessly in my arms." No, I'm certain it's never meant that.
So, Fonzie, thanks for the memories, I guess. It was quite a 5 hour ride. But hey, at least I was able to regroup and channel my energy on 17 to win the long drive. $25 gift card
... to Olive Garden :( . sigh.
Last edited by a moderator:
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
HONKS
![[scooter]](/data/avatars/m/22/22287.jpg?1659477690){kind=avatar}
[scooter]
Footballguy
I've always wanted to try this.
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Was the goose drunk, too? What self-respecting goose allows a drunk moron to catch him, and doesn't beat the crap out of him with his wings after he gets caught?
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Dearest crazy woman,
Perhaps you might want to go somewhere else when you need to make a phone call about your colonoscopy. After all, I know you have a cell phone, since I get to hear your Austin Powers or No Doubt "Hey Baby" ringtones about 5 times per day. This might be one of those topics where you should consider going somewhere a little more private -- or maybe lower your voice a little bit.
But no. Now I have a mental picture your colon. I'm going to go stab myself in the temple to get that image out of there.
Lobotomizingly yours,
SM
Perhaps you might want to go somewhere else when you need to make a phone call about your colonoscopy. After all, I know you have a cell phone, since I get to hear your Austin Powers or No Doubt "Hey Baby" ringtones about 5 times per day. This might be one of those topics where you should consider going somewhere a little more private -- or maybe lower your voice a little bit.
But no. Now I have a mental picture your colon. I'm going to go stab myself in the temple to get that image out of there.
Lobotomizingly yours,
SM
Senor Schmutzig
Footballguy
Dear Future Co-Workers,
After 4 years of working from home and not having to deal with any of this B.S., I am taking a new position that will require me to go into the office periodically and deal with all of you yutzes. Please read through this ENTIRE thread and don't act like any of these tools that are represented. If you're going to do something strange, stupid or non-sensical, at least come up with an original idea so I can post it here and immortalize you with the rest of the saps that have been discussed here.
Thanks.
The "I'm not looking forward to this" Guy
After 4 years of working from home and not having to deal with any of this B.S., I am taking a new position that will require me to go into the office periodically and deal with all of you yutzes. Please read through this ENTIRE thread and don't act like any of these tools that are represented. If you're going to do something strange, stupid or non-sensical, at least come up with an original idea so I can post it here and immortalize you with the rest of the saps that have been discussed here.
Thanks.
The "I'm not looking forward to this" Guy
Shooter McGavin
Down the middle
Ladies,
You're not smart. Discussing the bailout only confirms that.
Economically,
SM
You're not smart. Discussing the bailout only confirms that.
Economically,
SM
the rover
Footballguy
I nearly hurt myself trying not to LOL at this. I'm crying here.
McJose
Footballguy
Was he being challenged to a duel?
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Botched cliches are awesome. That gives me an idea ...
McJose
Footballguy
Just make sure you don't screw yourself in the foot.
HoldSteady
Footballguy
I had always thought that you were a dude.
Captain Quinoa
Footballguy
golf partner not life partner.overheard at work today: "I've been celebate for 7 years"
call me
overheard last week: "How do you say 'kiss my butt' in Russian?"
Last edited by a moderator:
JoePlumber
Footballguy
overheard on Monday (Columbus Day):
(discussing where they want to go for lunch)
DitzChick1: "I love that place but they only take cash"
Chick2: "So we'll stop by the ATM"
DitzChick1: "I thought the banks were closed today?"
Chick2: "oh, yea they are"
(discussing where they want to go for lunch)
DitzChick1: "I love that place but they only take cash"
Chick2: "So we'll stop by the ATM"
DitzChick1: "I thought the banks were closed today?"
Chick2: "oh, yea they are"
Keys Myaths
Pokerguy
I hate this effing e-mail.I get it about once a day from one of my employees. Always a "she doesn't like me!" conversation.GDB managing 13 middle-aged women. Ugh.
Are either of these two blond, by any chance?
JoePlumber
Footballguy
hot 
I had a sneaking suspicion about the first one, but it seems that some of the more attractive blonds are the dumber ones. Oh well, they got a double whammy, it seems.
The_Burning_Bush
Footballguy
The Dweeze
Footballguy
Dear Temp in my office,
Is there nothing left for you to do here other than clip you fingernails while watching the latest episode of "House of Payne" on your computer?
Did you not attend the last meeting saying we are looking to cut costs durring this economic downturn or are you just that f-ing stupid?
Is there nothing left for you to do here other than clip you fingernails while watching the latest episode of "House of Payne" on your computer?
Did you not attend the last meeting saying we are looking to cut costs durring this economic downturn or are you just that f-ing stupid?
The Dweeze
Footballguy
Overheard in the office:
"You can't learn how to be independent on your own."
"You can't learn how to be independent on your own."
Last edited by a moderator:
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
I don't give a #### about your daughter's homecoming mum! I'm a guy!
Running with scissors
Stark Raving Sane
Dear "Boss",
If you expect me to do any work in my last three days in this pit of despair, I'd like some of what you're smoking.
As a matter of fact, every time you come to my desk for the remainder of my time here, the blank smile you'll be getting is because I'll be singing in my head.
Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh
Leader, leader, leader
If you expect me to do any work in my last three days in this pit of despair, I'd like some of what you're smoking.
As a matter of fact, every time you come to my desk for the remainder of my time here, the blank smile you'll be getting is because I'll be singing in my head.
Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh
Leader, leader, leader
JoePlumber
Footballguy
Dear Betty Crocker,
How the hell do you screw up Rice Crispy Treats? You know you suck when you bring rice crispy treats (aka the easiest thing to make ever) and no one goes back for more. I had one, they were horrible. There are three ingredients, they don't need extras.
Appreciate the effort but you have no talent.
die.
How the hell do you screw up Rice Crispy Treats? You know you suck when you bring rice crispy treats (aka the easiest thing to make ever) and no one goes back for more. I had one, they were horrible. There are three ingredients, they don't need extras.
Appreciate the effort but you have no talent.
die.
Cunk
Footballguy
Former Boss' idiot wife is at it again. Even though you quit shortly after he got asked to leave the company I still have to deal with you because you quit with a project left to be finished. You somehow convinced the partners here to let you continue on this project as a freelance producer. LO freakin' L. You've alway been incompetent and even more so now. With your popping out an email to me every couple of months asking my progress. Wow! That's must be killing you. As I sit here for 10 hours a friggin' day cranking out work like nobody's business you have the gall to tell me that I'm "putting you on the edge" because deadlines are getting close.
You sitting at home enjoying the partner's buyout of your husband's stake in the company. You're telling me that I'm putting you on the edge. And then you call me out in an email to the client saying you asked me for something and I didn't say I had it. Not cool. Why would I do that you dolt. You never asked me. Get it? Even if you did ask me, to call me out is just a big fat no-no. Something I would never do to my co-workers. Lord knows how many times over the past couple of years I've had to bite my lip when I just want to explode.
Now you and your husband are on your own and will try and make a company work! Yeah! Good luck with that! Don't count on me digging you two out of every friggin' hole like I have for the last 5 years. If you are going to be any part of this company you guys are friggin' DOOMED!
You sitting at home enjoying the partner's buyout of your husband's stake in the company. You're telling me that I'm putting you on the edge. And then you call me out in an email to the client saying you asked me for something and I didn't say I had it. Not cool. Why would I do that you dolt. You never asked me. Get it? Even if you did ask me, to call me out is just a big fat no-no. Something I would never do to my co-workers. Lord knows how many times over the past couple of years I've had to bite my lip when I just want to explode.
Now you and your husband are on your own and will try and make a company work! Yeah! Good luck with that! Don't count on me digging you two out of every friggin' hole like I have for the last 5 years. If you are going to be any part of this company you guys are friggin' DOOMED!
Jobber
Footballguy
Dear Annoying Woman Sitting Near Me,
I'm well aware of you and your husband's "look at me" cars, thanks for bringing them up at every opportunity. I also enjoy pointing out that your Audi is a station wagon even though you insist Audi doesn't make station wagons. Sister, it's a station wagon. And no thank you to the offer to buy your husband's mid-life-crisis BMW. I'll keep driving my Toyota at 1/4 the cost per mile, thanks.
Lastly, if I hear you spout off about how great a deal you got on your new house, I'm gonna vomit. So you paid $420K 6 months ago instead of the 2005 listed price of $600K? Good for you, but I bet dollars to donuts you're underwater. Have fun with that
Signed,
Jobber
I'm well aware of you and your husband's "look at me" cars, thanks for bringing them up at every opportunity. I also enjoy pointing out that your Audi is a station wagon even though you insist Audi doesn't make station wagons. Sister, it's a station wagon. And no thank you to the offer to buy your husband's mid-life-crisis BMW. I'll keep driving my Toyota at 1/4 the cost per mile, thanks.
Lastly, if I hear you spout off about how great a deal you got on your new house, I'm gonna vomit. So you paid $420K 6 months ago instead of the 2005 listed price of $600K? Good for you, but I bet dollars to donuts you're underwater. Have fun with that
Signed,
Jobber
Dear smoking hot bodied receptionist,
That is a great mermaid costume you chose to wear today, you are certain to win first prize. Just an FYI, next time you wear a see through dress at work, try wearing a slip underneath No way any production gets done today if you go out for a walk out back.
Happily married, but certainly not blind,
guru
That is a great mermaid costume you chose to wear today, you are certain to win first prize. Just an FYI, next time you wear a see through dress at work, try wearing a slip underneath
No way any production gets done today if you go out for a walk out back.Happily married, but certainly not blind,
guru
The Dweeze
Footballguy
Alright, I'll be the one who says:Dear smoking hot bodied receptionist,That is a great mermaid costume you chose to wear today, you are certain to win first prize. Just an FYI, next time you wear a see through dress at work, try wearing a slip underneathNo way any production gets done today if you go out for a walk out back. Happily married, but certainly not blind,guru
Running with scissors
Stark Raving Sane
Dear hopeless, semi-motarded management team,
Glad every one of you took the day off today so that we don't have to see each other when I go for drinks with the rest of the office after my last day at work today.
Refusing to rearrange the deck chairs one more time,
Scissors
Glad every one of you took the day off today so that we don't have to see each other when I go for drinks with the rest of the office after my last day at work today.
Refusing to rearrange the deck chairs one more time,
Scissors
bakes
I am the Beer God!
Dear Two Guys:
Yes, it's Halloween. But you've both been sporting that Ben Franklin hairdo and round glasses look for three months now. Either there's a Revolutionary War themed halloween party somewhere or I didn't get the memo that it's somehow cool to look like you just fell off a $100 bill.
Perplexed,
Mr. Clean.
Yes, it's Halloween. But you've both been sporting that Ben Franklin hairdo and round glasses look for three months now. Either there's a Revolutionary War themed halloween party somewhere or I didn't get the memo that it's somehow cool to look like you just fell off a $100 bill.
Perplexed,
Mr. Clean.
Walton Goggins
Footballguy
pics?Dear smoking hot bodied receptionist,That is a great mermaid costume you chose to wear today, you are certain to win first prize. Just an FYI, next time you wear a see through dress at work, try wearing a slip underneathNo way any production gets done today if you go out for a walk out back. Happily married, but certainly not blind,guru
JoePlumber
Footballguy
Unreal... back to back days. Today it's POPCORN BALLS! yay... All of a sudden I realize what went wrong yesterday. She had her ingredients mixed up... she used corn syrup in the rice crispy treats and marshmallows in the popcorn balls. Can't wait to try the caramel oranges on Monday!
mr. furley
Footballguy
mr. furley
Footballguy
Hey work-buddy guy,
It's great that we're both sports fans.. and even better that we're both fanatical about the Packers.
I just assumed by this point that you would have realized i am not completely consumed by gambling on sports. Thought you might have caught the hint 2 years ago when you asked if i wanted to bet on some games through your bookie and i said "no, i don't gamble" or possibly one of the 150 times since then when i have again said "no".
I don't mind talking sports on Monday but i really really really can't stand the re-cap of every permutation of your parlay and how it failed to hit once again. I didn't watch Baylor vs. North Texas on Saturday.. i have no idea how you managed to find that game.. much less know it was being played at all and i REALLY don't understand how you bet $100 bucks on the spread.
Please don't whine to me on and off all day long about how you had the parlay locked down until VMI's backup safety dropped an easy INT in the 4th that would have prevented a garbage td... oh and there's the pesky Coastal Carolina blowout of Davidson on Friday night... and the Texas loss to Texas Tech.
I especially don't want to hear you talk about "doubling up" your bet on Monday to "catch up" on your weekend losses... only to hear you complain on Tuesday that you and your wife can't cover the bills and you might have to get a 2nd part time job.
And trust me, i really really really don't want to hear from you on Wednesday when you ##### about your wife threatening to leave you because you can't come home before 3AM on Monday night/Tuesday morning after getting wasted celebrating/lamenting your Monday night win/loss. It's not HER fault that you flushed $400 on college and pro sports this weekend, dropped another $75 on Jameson and beer and $30 on bowling losses.
Maybe you should get some help and stop whining to me that sports aren't fair.
HTH
It's great that we're both sports fans.. and even better that we're both fanatical about the Packers.
I just assumed by this point that you would have realized i am not completely consumed by gambling on sports. Thought you might have caught the hint 2 years ago when you asked if i wanted to bet on some games through your bookie and i said "no, i don't gamble" or possibly one of the 150 times since then when i have again said "no".
I don't mind talking sports on Monday but i really really really can't stand the re-cap of every permutation of your parlay and how it failed to hit once again. I didn't watch Baylor vs. North Texas on Saturday.. i have no idea how you managed to find that game.. much less know it was being played at all and i REALLY don't understand how you bet $100 bucks on the spread.
Please don't whine to me on and off all day long about how you had the parlay locked down until VMI's backup safety dropped an easy INT in the 4th that would have prevented a garbage td... oh and there's the pesky Coastal Carolina blowout of Davidson on Friday night... and the Texas loss to Texas Tech.
I especially don't want to hear you talk about "doubling up" your bet on Monday to "catch up" on your weekend losses... only to hear you complain on Tuesday that you and your wife can't cover the bills and you might have to get a 2nd part time job.
And trust me, i really really really don't want to hear from you on Wednesday when you ##### about your wife threatening to leave you because you can't come home before 3AM on Monday night/Tuesday morning after getting wasted celebrating/lamenting your Monday night win/loss. It's not HER fault that you flushed $400 on college and pro sports this weekend, dropped another $75 on Jameson and beer and $30 on bowling losses.
Maybe you should get some help and stop whining to me that sports aren't fair.
HTH
SPM
Footballguy
Baylor played Missouri guy
Keys Myaths
Pokerguy
The way Mizzou played, it was like there was only one guy on the field.
mr. furley
Footballguy
Nigel Tufnel
Footballguy
Cabbage gives you gas something awful, huh? I'll file that in the "Vile #### I wish I'd never heard" folder. Thanks!
george
Footballguy
Dear Co-workers,
If you drop a duece at work, flush the toilet. If there are still floaters, flush twice.
There is only ONE bathroom for men that offers any privacy in our office. I do not want to look at your #### when I need to go. If you can't figure out that floating brown stuff left in the bowl is yours, please stop reproducing. The world has enough idiots that are full of #### in it.
Signed,
Dontwanna C. Yrturds.
If you drop a duece at work, flush the toilet. If there are still floaters, flush twice.
There is only ONE bathroom for men that offers any privacy in our office. I do not want to look at your #### when I need to go. If you can't figure out that floating brown stuff left in the bowl is yours, please stop reproducing. The world has enough idiots that are full of #### in it.
Signed,
Dontwanna C. Yrturds.
