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A note to my coworker ... (2 Viewers)

Dear current boss:  I am hearing all that you are saying about me to new boss, so your crocodile tears about my leaving are not really as touching as you hoped.  Thank you for making me feel better about getting away from you with all that you have been saying.  I wish I had done this a couple of years ago, you shriveled up old hag.  I have made you a lot of money over the last few and you have a very short memory, it seems.

 
two ladies nearing retirement here in the office. one inside a month. the other's date is nebulous but should be up in a few months.

can't come fast enough.

everyone knows you hate work. everyone knows you hate it here. everyone knows you hate everything.

the atmosphere in our office will be so much better when you're both gone. 

be quiet please

 
SHOUTING IN TO A SPEAKER PHONE WHEN ON A CONFERENCE CALL ISN'T NECESSARY

SHOUTING OVER PEOPLE ON A CONFERENCE CALL ISN'T HELPING

I"M SITTING 3 FEET AWAY FROM YOU. YOU DON"T NEED TO SHOUT AT ME SO THAT PEOPLE ON THE CONFERENCE CALL CAN HEAR YOU.

STOP SHOUTING

 
Hey guy two cubes over, thanks for having your conference call on speaker phone at your desk rather than utilizing one of the six open conference rooms within 50 feet of you. 

 
Hey guy two cubes over, thanks for having your conference call on speaker phone at your desk rather than utilizing one of the six open conference rooms within 50 feet of you. 
we've got that guy

every day. several times per day.

right now, in fact.

 
SHOUTING IN TO A SPEAKER PHONE WHEN ON A CONFERENCE CALL ISN'T NECESSARY

SHOUTING OVER PEOPLE ON A CONFERENCE CALL ISN'T HELPING

I"M SITTING 3 FEET AWAY FROM YOU. YOU DON"T NEED TO SHOUT AT ME SO THAT PEOPLE ON THE CONFERENCE CALL CAN HEAR YOU.

STOP SHOUTING
I see what you did here.  

 
Dear Co-worker,

Why do you need 10+ pounds of toiletpaper to wipe? Do you have some sort of bleeding rectum problem after a dook? I'm tired of walking into a stall only to discover a clogged commode and a puddle on the floor. Seriously, wth is wrong with you?

v/r,

Soc11

 
Dear Co-worker:

You are neither my boss nor have anything to do with my project's funding.  As project administrator, you are just a notch above a secretary.  If you ever try to call me out for being late on anything in front of anybody again, I will do more than just correct you, I will dress you down in an embarrassing fashion.  You are a know-it-all ##### and one of the only reasons you still have a job is because I told our VP you were a valuable employee despite your horrible disposition and negative attitude.

Sincerely,

Jayrod

 
we've got that guy

every day. several times per day.

right now, in fact.
:bag:   I try not to do this, but sometimes it's unavoidable.  I oftentimes participate in conference calls where I can also do work on my computer simultaneously.  It's cumbersome to have the phone on my ear and try to type, use mouse, etc.  I do not have a headset, unfortunately.

If it's any consolation, I feel bad about it, and keep the volume as low as possible as I work in an "open office" environment with high ceilings/clerestory.

I was an idiot to give up my private office.  Long story, had to.  It was an office with no windows and it was driving me batty.   :loco:

 
Dear Co-worker:

You are neither my boss nor have anything to do with my project's funding.  As project administrator, you are just a notch above a secretary.  If you ever try to call me out for being late on anything in front of anybody again, I will do more than just correct you, I will dress you down in an embarrassing fashion.  You are a know-it-all ##### and one of the only reasons you still have a job is because I told our VP you were a valuable employee despite your horrible disposition and negative attitude.

Sincerely,

Jayrod


Sounds like a perfect thread to start tomorrow.

 
You people should work from home.  It's awesome.
Dear Mrs. Keerock -

When you ask me why I don’t work from home more often… Please remember the half dozen times a day or more that you interrupt me while I am either heads down working or on a call.  Oh, and yes, shredding junk mail while I’m on a call is distracting.

All my love...

Kee

 
DallasDMac said:
Believe it or not, they sell those nowadays.
Believe it or not, there are cheap-### companies that require five levels of review/approval for restocking the coffee supply.  I shudder to think what the process would be to get a headset.  And I don't care enough about this poopy job to go out and buy one myself.  :)  

 
Dear artsy-fartsy former assistant to my boss who now works for a museum or something in NYC -

Well, it's been almost 5 years since you've gone and, yup, I still don't miss you. And while I was absolutely dumbfounded when my boss hired you away from selling high end Herman Miller Aeon chairs the day after you delivered them to our office, nothing could prepare me for the incredible incompetence and the head-spinning stupidity that you brought along with you.

Sure, you were sort of cute in a pixie hair-cut, tom-boy sort of way and I'm sure to a 58-year old THRICE divorced gazillionaire looking for a younger girl to get his mind off the impending anal raping the courts of California were going to levy against him for his sham of an 18 month marriage to a shrew of a gold digging third wife you were a welcome distraction, but your appeal and charm wore off like a tic-tac after a scat party.

And speaking of foul breath, you wrote the book on it, sweetheart. It's utterly fantastic that you are a vegetarian and took the time to lobby the rest of us into your dietary ways while condemning us for being heartless carnivores, but here's a newsflash - gulping down 7 Diet Cokes a day, chain smoking cigarettes and pouring through a salt shaker full of salt weekly is destroying any nutritional advantage your meatless diet has brought to your life. Furthermore, the vaporized combination of cigarettes, diet soda and brussel sprouts made me barf in my mouth a little every time you came up and asked me a question - which was way way, way way way way way WAY too often.

Moreover, while I always found it curious that my boss hired you to work for him, you could have done a wee bit better of a job hiding the fact that you were either banging him at the time, or wanted to severely. The love-sick puppy-dog eyes you gazed upon him every time he entered your radius was about as furtive as a fart in a crowded elevator. I always assumed he hired you because he wanted to spank your pee pee, but when he actually started acting like your boss and getting pissed off because of your myriad gaffes and ineffectual work ethic, crying and acting like a jilted lover in the office was probably the wrong thing to do if you two had any designs at concealing your relationship. No cookie is worth the trouble you put him and the rest of us through, and no, I don't care that you were 30 years his junior. You sucked during your time here and the fact that you knew absolutely nothing about computers, spreadsheets, accounting, finance was probably an important thing to mention to us all when you agreed to do all these things for him.

But that's not the worst part of this and you know it. No, the absolute worst thing about your time here is that you somehow, someway, used the power of your vulva to convince my boss to mandate a weekly hour long session of Yoga, led by you, in our office. That's right, despite the fact that you couldn't turn a computer on, balance a check book or organize my boss's personal life in any sensible manner, you were able to convince him that we all needed Yoga and that you, sensei, were the right person to lead us. For weeks, I held out, refusing to take part in your Yoga classes, seething that my boss fell for your ridiculous plea to get us all on to floor mats for an hour to do fake handstands, work on our breathing (something I’ve managed on my own just fine since birth, you idiot), stretch and generally have what used to be called "NAP TIME" when I was a child. Regrettably, after you called me out in front of the office and whined to my boss that I wasn't participating in Yoga class, I was 'pressured' to join in on your little stretching routine. Congratulations, I can now bend over and touch the floor, take a deep breath and close my eyes. What a freaking revelation! Where on earth have you been my whole life? Thankfully, my boss stopped attending Yoga soon after, which meant I was done as well. And no, I didn't really have a dental appointment every week thereafter, you moron.

Finally, after my boss was done with you and it was clear to all that you were really just an incompetent boob, you were fired. You knew it was coming, but you broke down all the same. On your way out, you stole a space heater and didn't think anybody would notice. I did. That's why I made you send us a check for it and no I don't care that you wrote "#### you, forrest" on the memo line of your check.

Toodles,

GM

Oh, and PS - nice painting you left us. No, really. This is just magnificent work and I hung it up near the fire escape where nobody can see it. My favorite part of the painting is the part where you glued down a taxi-cab air freshener in the shape of a tree. That knock on your door? Ohhh, it's not NYU Art School with a scholarship. The Painting.
I forgot about this.  :lmao:

Wish I still had a picture of her painting. 

 
Dear Mrs. Keerock -

When you ask me why I don’t work from home more often… Please remember the half dozen times a day or more that you interrupt me while I am either heads down working or on a call.  Oh, and yes, shredding junk mail while I’m on a call is distracting.

All my love...

Kee
Mrs. Kanil,

No, when I work from home, I'm not able to just go run to the store to get X or pull the spoon out of the disposal because you're too afraid to do it.  Nor am I able to join when you want to walk the dog because you're bored.  I'm working, consider me completely unavailable.

<3

Kanil

ETA: Yes, a quickie at lunch is still okay.

 
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Mrs. Kanil,

No, when I work from home, I'm not able to just go run to the store to get X or pull the spoon out of the disposal because you're too afraid to do it.  Nor am I able to join when you want to walk the dog because you're bored.  I'm working, consider me completely unavailable.

❤️

Kanil

ETA: Yes, a quickie at lunch is still okay.
So you are ok with a box lunch then is what you are saying.

 
Hi Fred,

When you ask me when I'll be done with a drawing, and I tell you "Two hours", that does not mean you should come back and ask me the same question 15 minutes later. And 15 minutes after that. And 15 minutes after that. Oh, and if I want your opinions, trust me, I'll ask for them. You have a way of turning the simplest of projects into things that Einstein himself would not understand. And that isn't to say you're smart, or even close to it. Actually, you're quite stupid. I'm sure you know this however, because I and several other coworkers have told you this after we've lost our ability to control our emotions. Your persistence would be better suited for the special olympics. Your advice, opinions and comments are slightly less helpful that shoving an ice pick in my ear.

And Fred, I'm running out of ways to tell you to get the #### out of my office when you come to "help". The biggest way you could help me would be by going on vacation or finding a new job. Yeah, I know the owner likes you because you've been with the company for so long, but guess what ####er? This time next year, I'll be your boss and I promise you that my first executive decision will be to put your sorry ### in the bread line. So get ready ###hole, and best of luck being ineffective elsewhere.

Regards,

FatMax
I had forgotten that I posted this.  It's kinda strange reading it now, especially the last couple of sentences.  14 months after I posted this, I fired Fred personally, on the very first day that I could. To this day, I cannot think of anyone who deserved it more.  Fred, however, found it less funny.  I always thought that drugs could be to blame for a lot of the stupid #### he did, and it turns out, I was right.  His life continued to spiral out of control, and he eventually lost his wife, family and home.  A former coworker of mine told me a few months ago that Fred is now one of many addict homeless that populate our little city.

 
Dear co worker

You told me your stupid story. Then you told the next person in your stupid story. Then you told the same stupid story over and over to whoever would listen. 

It is now two days later, and you still have the same stupid story, and you’re telling me again. You started with “did I tell you about...” and I replied “yes.” You haven’t stopped. Go do something fun and tell me a new story. 

 
Dear Mrs. Keerock -

When you ask me why I don’t work from home more often… Please remember the half dozen times a day or more that you interrupt me while I am either heads down working or on a call.  Oh, and yes, shredding junk mail while I’m on a call is distracting.

All my love...

Kee
Mine thinks printing is ok, with the printer being two feet from my desk. I've taken to simply shutting off the printer any time I am running the meeting and have to be off mute the majority of the time.

 
Dear co worker

You told me your stupid story. Then you told the next person in your stupid story. Then you told the same stupid story over and over to whoever would listen. 

It is now two days later, and you still have the same stupid story, and you’re telling me again. You started with “did I tell you about...” and I replied “yes.” You haven’t stopped. Go do something fun and tell me a new story. 
What was the story?

 
What was the story?
She basically Facebook stalked someone but it’s ok (in her eyes) and now they have some sort of long distance “relationship” blah blah blah what should I do. He’s nice blah blah blah I’m like “what does this have to do with me? I don’t know what you should do, not stalk people on Facebook in the first place?” Then she goes on about how she went about stalking him and how it shouldn’t be weird (dude was friends with one of her friends and she pmd him “have we met, you look familiar”). I really don’t care, go have your Facebook pal and send your pics to each other or whatever you do, I don’t want to hear about it or give advice as to how to handle the situation. We just work together, that’s personal info and I don’t really have an opinion and don’t want to hear about it, you know? It’s like she’s trying to have an inner monologue but is incapable. 

 
I had forgotten that I posted this.  It's kinda strange reading it now, especially the last couple of sentences.  14 months after I posted this, I fired Fred personally, on the very first day that I could. To this day, I cannot think of anyone who deserved it more.  Fred, however, found it less funny.  I always thought that drugs could be to blame for a lot of the stupid #### he did, and it turns out, I was right.  His life continued to spiral out of control, and he eventually lost his wife, family and home.  A former coworker of mine told me a few months ago that Fred is now one of many addict homeless that populate our little city.
geezus, that is sad.  

 
When it’s 4:30 and there’s going to be a constant flow of people fleeing this hell we  call work, you might want to avoid blindly darting into the elevator, assuming no one is on it, when you’re getting on on the first floor. 

 
I just got an email from the payroll manager with a subject line three lines long describing what she wanted me to do. The body of the email was left completely blank. How do people develop this peculiar habit?

 
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I just got an email from the payroll manager with a subject line three lines long describing what she wanted me to do. The body of the email was left completely blank. How do people develop this peculiar habit?
A guy that works for me does this too... drives me nuts. Plus the subject line is always cryptic with poor grammar and spelling.

 
A guy that works for me does this too... drives me nuts. Plus the subject line is always cryptic with poor grammar and spelling.
Well, I just asked her about this habit and her explanation was "it saves time." She sends out a lot of emails and she also wants to make sure that her's get read, so she puts everything in the subject line. I made the remark that this just screams "AXE MURDERER" to me but she was not amused. So there's one more reason for these uptight righty women I work with to hate me.

 
I can't think of a single good reason to have your cellphone ringer turned up to 120 decibels when you sit at your cubicle, and yet....

 
roadkill1292 said:
Well, I just asked her about this habit and her explanation was "it saves time." She sends out a lot of emails and she also wants to make sure that her's get read, so she puts everything in the subject line. I made the remark that this just screams "AXE MURDERER" to me but she was not amused. So there's one more reason for these uptight righty women I work with to hate me.
Some email clients truncate the subject if it's too long. Thus, it's likely whatever she's trying to convey isn't getting read.

 
I just got an email from the payroll manager with a subject line three lines long describing what she wanted me to do. The body of the email was left completely blank. How do people develop this peculiar habit?
I had a construction superintendent that did this, but then again, he had dropped out of school in the 8th grade and is barely literate.  He literally spelled rain, "rane" on his daily reports.

 
She basically Facebook stalked someone but it’s ok (in her eyes) and now they have some sort of long distance “relationship” blah blah blah what should I do. He’s nice blah blah blah I’m like “what does this have to do with me? I don’t know what you should do, not stalk people on Facebook in the first place?” Then she goes on about how she went about stalking him and how it shouldn’t be weird (dude was friends with one of her friends and she pmd him “have we met, you look familiar”). I really don’t care, go have your Facebook pal and send your pics to each other or whatever you do, I don’t want to hear about it or give advice as to how to handle the situation. We just work together, that’s personal info and I don’t really have an opinion and don’t want to hear about it, you know? It’s like she’s trying to have an inner monologue but is incapable. 
I work with a guy - really decent guy, a little annoying BUT he is the worst at telling stories.

I mean the worst.   I thought my wife was bad with her ramblings and taking forever to get to the point but he will tell a story that should be a minute long anecdote and turn it into 10 minutes with full dialogue.

him: So I said to the guy it's ok sit down.   He said are you sure.  I said yes.  He said thanks my foot hurts.  I said I could tell. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

All to find out the guy passed out or something

 
One of my biggest fears, especially on any call that we log into so that each line is identifiable....I triple check that I'm on mute before flushing
I won’t take the chance and just leave it simmering. When you walk in the stall and are all “awwwww god” yep, that was me;)

 
So you guys all trust that "mute" light to mean it's really working, huh?

I do too.  But I always wonder about the first time that mute function becomes the first thing to go and finding out the hard way.

 
So you guys all trust that "mute" light to mean it's really working, huh?

I do too.  But I always wonder about the first time that mute function becomes the first thing to go and finding out the hard way.
Right?  If the con call line has its own mute functionality I’ll use that AND mute my phone.

 
So you guys all trust that "mute" light to mean it's really working, huh?

I do too.  But I always wonder about the first time that mute function becomes the first thing to go and finding out the hard way.
If I’m going into the bathroom or something I’ll yell into the phone “CAN YOU HEAR ME?” to make sure the mute is working.  

 
If I’m going into the bathroom or something I’ll yell into the phone “CAN YOU HEAR ME?” to make sure the mute is working.  
I do the same thing, but I don't continue to yell every 5 seconds to make sure it's still working :)

If I did, someone would surely come along, overhear me, and confirm their suspicions that I really must be totally mad.

 
Was on a regional conference call attended by a few hundred people.  Started hearing the loud "CRUUUUNCH!" of someone eating an apple. After the 3rd time, the call leader came on to remind everyone to mute their phones if they're not talking.  After the 6th time, they reminded everyone again.  After about the 10th time others started jumping on with "PLEASE MUTE YOUR PHONE IF YOU"RE EATING AN APPLE!"

About that time it was obvious the apple eater had someone enter their office to ask a question.  I thought to myself, "holy ####!, I recognize that voice!".   The look of horror on their face was priceless when I barged into their office and said, "hey, the apple-eater they're talking about is you!"  Not sure how they were that clueless to not make the connection. 

 
belljr said:
I work with a guy - really decent guy, a little annoying BUT he is the worst at telling stories.

I mean the worst.   I thought my wife was bad with her ramblings and taking forever to get to the point but he will tell a story that should be a minute long anecdote and turn it into 10 minutes with full dialogue.

him: So I said to the guy it's ok sit down.   He said are you sure.  I said yes.  He said thanks my foot hurts.  I said I could tell. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

All to find out the guy passed out or something
Chatty Cathy's drive me nuts. Guy I used to work with-great guy otherwise-could never get to the point. Every irrelevant extraneous detail was elaborated on. When he spoke in our staff meetings it was almost as if his eyes turned inwards and he lost all awareness of his surroundings. Meanwhile, the other 5-6 people in the meeting would be exchanging stoic glances that spoke volumes.

My wife is a gabber. All she talks about is work and she talks about it incessantly. Despite my best intentions, I can't help but just tune out while providing strategically timed "um hmm's". I just have absolutely no interest in what the daughter of a co-worker down the hall-who she hardly knows-is up to. Nor do I care that the EFX20-9 form got revised to a EFX20-8. Just a non stop barrage of work jargon that is meaningless to me.

 
There are times I am working from home and may have 6-8 straight hours of meetings.
? We don’t do meetings at my company, by design. We’ll meet with a vendor a few times per year and our insurance company for property or healthcare renewals, but no regularly scheduled meetings of staff. NFW

 

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