Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Some people like to feed the birds. Bonus is you can also target practice with the squirrels.
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Am I on the verge of a mid-life crisis.. how do you deal? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Dr. No
- Start date
AAABatteries
Footballguy
Season affective disorder
I've felt like I have a version of this. I love the holidays so typically I'm good until the new year but from early January until about late March I seem to stay in a bad mood.
flapgreen
Footballguy
I've been trying to get back to Florida every since I left. Still miss it
opensourcebeer
Footballguy
To add to this...it's a great activity to start with younger children. Many years ago I introduced my daughters to 2nd edition and played a few sessions as their DM. Now my kids are adults and they still invite me to join in the occasional 5e session.
playin4beer
Footballguy
I spent 3 weeks at a children's village in Tanzania Africa with my oldest daughter. That was eye opening for me... And an awesome experience to share with my daughter..
jamny
Footballguy
At 58, I'm a bit older than most of you guys going through this but I also never remember having the same feelings when I was younger. I've thought from time to time if there was something that happened years ago that I could call a MLC but I don't think I actually went through one. Reading through the thread, I think the biggest difference is that we never had kids. A lot of you seem to be at the point where your usefulness as parents is waning and leaving you with these feelings. I could be off on that.
We're married almost 30 years and happier than we've ever been. I haven't felt the need for a group of guys to hang with for a long time. As someone mentioned earlier about group vacations...that seems like a nightmare. I couldn't imagine going on vacation with even another couple much less multiple couples. Maybe we just never really clicked with another couple. We prefer to be left alone and we kinda wing it a lot on vacations. Not that we're not good in a group setting as we have no issues at parties with friends, family or neighbors.
I guess a big thing is that I'm never bored. My bigger fear is that I'm running out of time to do all the things I want to do or learn all the things I want to learn. Time is going too fast!
I still feel like a kid and enjoy every day. I don't take the good times and good health for granted. Don't let another 10 years pass before you find those things that make life worth living!
We're married almost 30 years and happier than we've ever been. I haven't felt the need for a group of guys to hang with for a long time. As someone mentioned earlier about group vacations...that seems like a nightmare. I couldn't imagine going on vacation with even another couple much less multiple couples. Maybe we just never really clicked with another couple. We prefer to be left alone and we kinda wing it a lot on vacations. Not that we're not good in a group setting as we have no issues at parties with friends, family or neighbors.
I guess a big thing is that I'm never bored. My bigger fear is that I'm running out of time to do all the things I want to do or learn all the things I want to learn. Time is going too fast!
I still feel like a kid and enjoy every day. I don't take the good times and good health for granted. Don't let another 10 years pass before you find those things that make life worth living!
Steve Tasker
Footballguy
In all honesty, have you considered therapy? It's nice to have someone to talk to, to help you through these times. It sounds like you're going through some life transitions - the kids are getting older, your wife has a condition, your friends have moved away. Life transitions happen to everyone, and they're not easy. While it may not be some sort of clinical depression requiring medication, the posts in here are making is clear that you're having difficulty processing all of this, and that's okay. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, who has your back.
Some people still have a stigma surrounding therapy, but I think you should be open to considering it. It's helped me.
Some people still have a stigma surrounding therapy, but I think you should be open to considering it. It's helped me.
jwb
Footballguy
This could be my wife and I. No kids, I'm 56 (her 60), we have friends but not the every-year vacation type. Most of our friends are back in NY (we moved to NC 2 years ago). We have taken a few trips with other couples and it's always been less than we thought it would be - it's waaaay better with just her and I.
We're probably tough to be friends with because we're perfectly fine seeing people every so often and leaving it at that. Even with our best friends, it's like "that was a great dinner / evening out together... see you in a month or so!" We do like to do things and like you mentioned, are fine at the party / neighborhood thing / get together / whatever. But overall, we're quick to get exhausted by people. For every weekend we do something with others, we need two weekends alone to recharge.
I don't think I've had an inkling of a MLC - a lot of things posted here I just don't relate to. I do think the no-kids thing might be part of it. It's just a completely different lifestyle.
jamny
Footballguy
We went to 3 different parties before the holidays and had fun at all of them but were so happy to be done. We didn't travel back to NY this year so it was great to just spend Christmas and New Years, just the two of us. I can understand it not being everyone's idea of fun though. Glad to read a similar story.
Dr. No
Footballguy
I had seasonal affective disorder one year.. like about 10 years ago.. was depressed, had trouble getting it up.. it was horrible. Got my vitamin D checked and it was miserable. Started taking Vitamin D from NOvember through April every year since.. that took care of that.
plinko
Footballguy
Dr. No
Footballguy
For the first time in my life i'm honestly considering this.
Dr. No
Footballguy
speaking of hobbies.. you know what else went away that really bums me out... i had a dental poker league once a month at the local casino.. and covid shut that down.. and it never resumed.. in fact they never even re-opened the poker room.. and of the poker rooms that are still open... they don't run tournaments anymore because of staffing shortages... and it's been over 10 years since they took online poker away from me.. Really bummed.
Terminalxylem
Footballguy
A lot of great advice in this thread. For me, having outdoor hobbies is critical for happiness and fulfillment. And at 45, you’re young enough to pick up something new.
I got into rock climbing in my 40s, and it has been really helpful for the physical and mental challenges it poses. It has introduced me to many good friends, including people decades younger. This can be refreshing, as conversation topics are a lot different than my middle aged friends. I’d much rather discuss sexually transmitted infections than b!tch about property tax, for example. Young people also push you harder physically, which is good, as long as you avoid injury.
But it doesn’t have to be something “extreme” like climbing. Just being outside is therapeutic, and almost anyone can hike. Anything that gets you moving is better than more passive alternatives, IMO. Also outdoorsy, active people tend to be less wed to unhealthy habits for having “fun”.
And you can probably rekindle your old friendships, though it will take effort. We try to schedule at least a couple group trips every year, usually to places where outdoor recreation is available - snow skiing is good for this. It sometimes takes a little prodding to overcome inertia, but it’s worth it.
As it sounds like your time is limited, you definitely should get help around the house. If finances allow, I’d also strongly consider cutting back your work hours. I’ve been part-time most of my career, and the extra time is invaluable, whether spending it with the wife and family, friends, volunteering, or cultivating personal interests.
I got into rock climbing in my 40s, and it has been really helpful for the physical and mental challenges it poses. It has introduced me to many good friends, including people decades younger. This can be refreshing, as conversation topics are a lot different than my middle aged friends. I’d much rather discuss sexually transmitted infections than b!tch about property tax, for example. Young people also push you harder physically, which is good, as long as you avoid injury.
But it doesn’t have to be something “extreme” like climbing. Just being outside is therapeutic, and almost anyone can hike. Anything that gets you moving is better than more passive alternatives, IMO. Also outdoorsy, active people tend to be less wed to unhealthy habits for having “fun”.
And you can probably rekindle your old friendships, though it will take effort. We try to schedule at least a couple group trips every year, usually to places where outdoor recreation is available - snow skiing is good for this. It sometimes takes a little prodding to overcome inertia, but it’s worth it.
As it sounds like your time is limited, you definitely should get help around the house. If finances allow, I’d also strongly consider cutting back your work hours. I’ve been part-time most of my career, and the extra time is invaluable, whether spending it with the wife and family, friends, volunteering, or cultivating personal interests.
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flapgreen
Footballguy
ZAM needs a poker game! Legend on the tables.
nirad3
Footballguy
I go to a licensed marriage/family therapist once a month. It seems silly in some respects to pay a $40 co-pay to just sit and talk to someone for an hour when you could effectively do the same thing with a friend (or heck, venting on a message board!). But they are trained to ask the right questions and lead you down a path. I know it's good for my mental and emotional well-being to pay the $40 a month and plan on continuing it for the foreseeable future.
bigbottom
Footballguy
My situation is vastly different than yours, but perhaps the central theme might resonate. And that theme is “purpose.”
When my son died, I was in peril. I had a wife and another son counting on me, but the grief and sense of loss was overwhelming. I could see a great chasm of emptiness opening before me and honestly I was worried where that was going to lead.
What saved me was finding purpose in my life. Obviously, many of you are aware of the charity we founded to support pediatric cancer families and that has been a godsend. Absolutely a huge part of finding purpose.
But I found purpose in other ways as well. I made a big career change that both challenged and broadened my skill set. Now I’m not suggesting that you have to quit your job, but if your career does not provide a sense of purpose (i.e., it’s just a job), then perhaps consider how you might change your perspective and approach to your career. I made a big change and took a huge risk, but while there has been added stress, there has also been increased job satisfaction and purpose.
I also found additional purpose in pastimes. What was once a hobby (music) became a lifeline. I deepened my commitment to learning and getting better, and in doing so, found renewed purpose.
I also approached my marriage differently. I spent significant time reflecting on the blessing that was my broken partner. How we could help each other heal and how that process could deepen our love for one another. I know the situation with your wife is much different, but there is a way to turn burden into blessing if you approach it with renewed perspective. But that doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process.
I know the above points seem like huge upheavals of the status quo, and none of them are quick fixes, but sometimes real change needs to be something more than at the margins.
I don’t know. This may not be helpful to you at all. But just thought I’d offer my perspective. Best of luck to you, and I’m always available if you’d like to chat.
When my son died, I was in peril. I had a wife and another son counting on me, but the grief and sense of loss was overwhelming. I could see a great chasm of emptiness opening before me and honestly I was worried where that was going to lead.
What saved me was finding purpose in my life. Obviously, many of you are aware of the charity we founded to support pediatric cancer families and that has been a godsend. Absolutely a huge part of finding purpose.
But I found purpose in other ways as well. I made a big career change that both challenged and broadened my skill set. Now I’m not suggesting that you have to quit your job, but if your career does not provide a sense of purpose (i.e., it’s just a job), then perhaps consider how you might change your perspective and approach to your career. I made a big change and took a huge risk, but while there has been added stress, there has also been increased job satisfaction and purpose.
I also found additional purpose in pastimes. What was once a hobby (music) became a lifeline. I deepened my commitment to learning and getting better, and in doing so, found renewed purpose.
I also approached my marriage differently. I spent significant time reflecting on the blessing that was my broken partner. How we could help each other heal and how that process could deepen our love for one another. I know the situation with your wife is much different, but there is a way to turn burden into blessing if you approach it with renewed perspective. But that doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process.
I know the above points seem like huge upheavals of the status quo, and none of them are quick fixes, but sometimes real change needs to be something more than at the margins.
I don’t know. This may not be helpful to you at all. But just thought I’d offer my perspective. Best of luck to you, and I’m always available if you’d like to chat.
flapgreen
Footballguy
I've been there, bro. Probably still am to a point. Even lived out in Missouri not a long ways from you for the last year and a half chasing down my dream job and finally got to move back home. Was miserable in my work back home and the only option was selling our dream home and moving out to the middle of nowhere for a year and a half to continue to pursue my career. It hasn't been easy but back home now and set up with a secure job for life that I'm going to love. On the other hand, my marriage and family have paid a price for it. We're working on it, but it's been tough. Still not sure how things will play out, honestly. If everyone is being honest as men, I think most of us go through such a time where things feel very uncertain or unfulfilling. But you can't always live life based on a feeling. Just keep doing what's right. In life, there is a season for everything.
IvanKaramazov
Footballguy
This resonates with me, too. Not sure how else to put it other than that I feel like I'm between "things." When I was younger, I played a ton of duplicate bridge, but that's dead. Poker was a fun substitute for a while, but that's dead too, at least in my area. I still run for to get out and move around, but I don't enjoy running competitively any more. I've never had to go looking for a hobby before. Something always just grabbed me almost involuntarily. It's weird to not have that at the moment. Not too worried about it though. I've always liked learning new things, so it's really just a matter of being patient until something grabs my interest.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
Aren’t there plenty of dudes here who would play? I bet you could find a couple FBGs who are local and for sure enough for online.
Also, if it hasn’t been said already, please reach out to any of us on this board if you ever need to talk. Off the top of my head I could count 5 posters who have the ability to show up at your front door the next day and at least another 30+ who would happily listen to you and help in any way they could without any judgment whatsoever. (Count me in that second tier.)
Hope you have a solid day. Tell your BFF the FBGs love him. Deuces:
Dr. Octopus
Footballguy
Could your group rotate hosting the poker games at your homes?
Northern Voice
Footballguy
I don't have a ton to add here that hasn't already been said, other than to say I too can relate to a whole lot of it.
I'm pretty fortunate in the wife/relationship side of things in that she understands I need some social outlets and that they're important to my mental health. During lockdowns when I lost those outlets (hockey games with my mom, squash league, Fridays at the pub, etc...) I was really down and looking back. almost certainly going through a period of depression. I ended up completely fading out on and eventually leaving my job and there were days I just didn't want to do anything.
Having something to look forward to goes a long way for me - whether it's a trip, an event or whatever, something in the distance where I can think, "a few more months, then I can do this", almost as a reward for getting through the day to day and that was lost during that period as well.
Same thing in terms of exercise, like others have said, I always feel better when I'm running, playing squash, whatever it is regularly but I'll go through periods where I just don't/can't do it. Like your poker game, my squash league has never gotten back to what it was (semi-competitive, playing against other cities, etc...) in 2020. I've joined my wife's gym in the meantime, as another activity we can enjoy together.
I think I have a pretty good balance of family, social, health, job, personal time at the moment but it does seem like an endless process to maintain and would probably be impossible (for me), without such an understanding partner, and no kids.
One thought I had was if there are any of the duties you've picked up around the house that you really enjoy/could find some purpose in? I have come to really enjoy cooking. Most Sundays my wife and I will spend the afternoon hanging out in the kitchen (usually with football/hockey on and sipping away at a nice beer) trying out new recipes to serve to our parents who come over for Sunday dinner and/or preparing lunch meals for the upcoming week. It's a nice way to get some family time in, in a way that is relaxing to me and also practical and fulfilling. Maybe for someone else it's gardening, hell my brother loves vacuuming.
I'm pretty fortunate in the wife/relationship side of things in that she understands I need some social outlets and that they're important to my mental health. During lockdowns when I lost those outlets (hockey games with my mom, squash league, Fridays at the pub, etc...) I was really down and looking back. almost certainly going through a period of depression. I ended up completely fading out on and eventually leaving my job and there were days I just didn't want to do anything.
Having something to look forward to goes a long way for me - whether it's a trip, an event or whatever, something in the distance where I can think, "a few more months, then I can do this", almost as a reward for getting through the day to day and that was lost during that period as well.
Same thing in terms of exercise, like others have said, I always feel better when I'm running, playing squash, whatever it is regularly but I'll go through periods where I just don't/can't do it. Like your poker game, my squash league has never gotten back to what it was (semi-competitive, playing against other cities, etc...) in 2020. I've joined my wife's gym in the meantime, as another activity we can enjoy together.
I think I have a pretty good balance of family, social, health, job, personal time at the moment but it does seem like an endless process to maintain and would probably be impossible (for me), without such an understanding partner, and no kids.
One thought I had was if there are any of the duties you've picked up around the house that you really enjoy/could find some purpose in? I have come to really enjoy cooking. Most Sundays my wife and I will spend the afternoon hanging out in the kitchen (usually with football/hockey on and sipping away at a nice beer) trying out new recipes to serve to our parents who come over for Sunday dinner and/or preparing lunch meals for the upcoming week. It's a nice way to get some family time in, in a way that is relaxing to me and also practical and fulfilling. Maybe for someone else it's gardening, hell my brother loves vacuuming.
ChiefD
Footballguy
I'd definitely be up for a poker game.
-fish-
Footballguy
Do you have something like Eagles or Elks near you? My local Eagles has a tournament every Monday. It's actually why I joined. Turns out I really like the club and I've met a ton of people through it.
SWC
Bromigo
my therapy is trout fishing hell i remember driving out to fish the on 9 12 2001 just because i needed to get out and clear my head did the same after my pops funeral and at many other points when i felt like i was sinking even if the fishing stinks there is something about being in cold water casting a line and getting a good clean air nights sleep in a tent that just resets my internal balance and its even better when the fishing is hot give it a whirl take that to the bank brohan
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Rich Conway
Footballguy
Gold fillings, obviously.
-fish-
Footballguy
"Forest bathing"?
General Malaise
Footballguy
-fish-
Footballguy
I looked this up. Sounds a lot like getting high and wandering around in the woods. Those of us in the PNW call it Thursday.
ChiefD
Footballguy
Hey hey hey....don't just save that for Dr No. I live here in KC too.
gianmarco
Footballguy
I might even drive out for this....
Hey hey hey....don't just save that for Dr No. I live here in KC too.
Zow
Footballguy
Forest mail??
DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
i totally get it. skiing is my outlet. being surrounded by huge trees is an amazing thing. utterly cathartic. especially for me, living in a desert.
General Malaise
Footballguy
I get the forest bathing part for sure. While I do enjoy playing disc golf with friends, I am perfectly content playing rounds by myself or with my dog. I don't even listen to music the way many guys do while playing; I enjoy the solitude. Couple beers in the bag, some sticky icky and I'm in my happy place. It's just moderate exercise but there is a goal of improving at something that's just a fun hobby - can I shave a stroke this round? Can I get one more birdie? Can I avoid mistakes? Can I save par after a horrendous drive? All for free!
I've been honored to have been asked to deliver 3 eulogies in the last 5 years at services for my mom and two of my closest friends. All three were written by either walking through nature or playing rounds of disc golf. All thoughts captured in my head, later put down to paper after much thought and time spent. In all three cases it helped me feel closer to the person I loved and lost. I wouldn't have been able to pull that off sitting down to a computer or with a pad of paper. I needed to be alone in my head, moving my feet and looking for inspiration. I know that might sound silly or maybe hippy-dippy but it's the truth. Nature can really provide some sparks for how I come to terms with my feelings and when tasked to deliver those feelings into thoughts and speak them at a service, I have no doubt that the source of my strength and energy came from putting one foot in front of the other, outdoors, alone.
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Jayrod
Footballguy
Two things keep me sane, IMO.
1) my faith - I've been a devout Christian since I was a young teen and have never looked back. Always felt a sense of purpose to my life.
2) officiating - I've been reffing football and basketball for 12 years now and love it. It gets me out of the house, gives me socialization with other men and is physically active. There are some obvious downsides in the dealing with complaining fans/coaches/players, but the pay helps offset that as well. It is a hobby that helps me stay in shape and makes a little money. The end of basketball season in February is usually a grind and I am ready to be done by then, but I get stir crazy in the Summer months with no games to officiate.
1) my faith - I've been a devout Christian since I was a young teen and have never looked back. Always felt a sense of purpose to my life.
2) officiating - I've been reffing football and basketball for 12 years now and love it. It gets me out of the house, gives me socialization with other men and is physically active. There are some obvious downsides in the dealing with complaining fans/coaches/players, but the pay helps offset that as well. It is a hobby that helps me stay in shape and makes a little money. The end of basketball season in February is usually a grind and I am ready to be done by then, but I get stir crazy in the Summer months with no games to officiate.
Terminalxylem
Footballguy
Snow also adds to the experience. And cool, crisp mountain air. Don‘t get me wrong: I love the forest. But alpine bathing is really a lot more than trees.
ETA Leaving for Japan Friday ⛷
Terminalxylem
Footballguy
While I‘m not into mind-altering substances, I’ve got a few middle aged friends delving into psychedelics. They take psilocybin (magic mushrooms) in a supervised setting, and say it does wonders for their mental health. Provides an intense emotional, somewhat religious experience.
They’re studying those drugs for treatment of anxiety spectrum disorders in a few centers, but maybe they can help depression too?
They’re studying those drugs for treatment of anxiety spectrum disorders in a few centers, but maybe they can help depression too?
General Malaise
Footballguy
Yup, Oregon passed a bill to permit use for therapeutic treatment a few years ago. Believe we are on the cusp to normalizing usage for mental health after decades of ill-placed, fear-based, draconian laws and misconceptions about their place in the world. Aaron Rodgers experimental use only helps to normalize their use for others.
Hell, there's publicly traded stocks devoted to this arena; has been for a few years now.
Moe.
Footballguy
Moe.
Footballguy
But yeah pretty much just get outside with no distractions. I too rarely listen to music or anything when I play, and prefer to play solo. It really feels like therapy for me. This advertisement captures what I love about disc golf
Zow
Footballguy
I'd link Forest Mail but it'd get be banned...
rockaction
Footballguy
Can I interest you in the latest men's magazine?
