Child with Fear Complex (1 Viewer)

[mr roboto]

Have any of you dealt with a child who has a strong fear reaction to many new things? We have 2 girls, 6 and 4. 1st grade and preschool. Wife stays at home so they've not been in daycare but have done preschool for 2 years prior to Kindergarten.

Our 6 year old is very typically a first child. Very smart (reads a couple grades ahead) and very much a good big sister. People say she has an old soul. Mature. And absolutely afraid of nearly everything.

Swim lessons, paralyzed with fear. Potty training was a huge struggle. Learning how to climb a ladder at the playground. Showering and rinsing her hair out. Running through a sprinkler. Learning how to ride a bike (with training wheels - she's flat out told me she won't try to learn without training wheels.) Trying a new food.

Some of this may be our doing. We've raised both kids in a pretty intentional way. Schedules, lots of 1-on-1 time, clear rules about treats, don't tolerate bad attitudes. Both the girls are very well behaved but certainly not robotic or passive. Both are leaders with their friends and play well with others.

The 4 year old does not have an issue with fear. Probably because she has an older sibling so she's kind of the playful, joking little adventurer.

My inclination is to just make her try things she's afraid of. My wife is probably better with it, talking to her, encouraging her to breathe, think, even pray together. But no matter what, it's a huge deal. She runs away from loud noises, closes her eyes when there's a cartoon monster on TV. She's just afraid a lot of the time. It's tough to watch.

 

[johnnycakes]

How does she do with Halloween? Take her to one of those haunted houses.

 

[jerry jones]

My stepson was like this thru age 10, from refusing to go down a slide, to not wanting to ride roller coasters at great America...we just insisted that he do these things...by high school he was a starting running back, as an adult he now is a pilot of a harrier jet with the marines.

I think you just want to encourage her to face those fears and stay consistent with positive reinforcement.

 

[Godsbrother]

I'm afraid I do not know.

 

[Dentist]

Adrian Peterson could solve this...

too soon?

poor taste?

Honestly I don't a solution... but I'll follow the thread because I'd like to learn more about good parenting

 

[TheIronSheik]

My daughter was afraid of a lot of things. Almost anything new was a struggle to get her to try. Even things she tried and liked could be a struggle to get her to do the second time.

She still is dealing with this, but it seems like it's a slow domino effect. We were able to break down a couple of barriers and once she realized that it wasn't as bad as she had imagined, she was easier to get to try something else. Over the past year, she's been able to conquer some fears without us even pushing her. She's starting to do it on her own. My guess is she'll always have a little bit of this issue.

Focusing on one thing and getting her to overcome it was a great start. Then, when she'd run into another roadblock, we'd remind her how she was once afraid of that thing and now loves it. It's a tiring process and extremely frustrating, but I think I was like that, too. So I'm very understanding of her issues.

 

[mr roboto]

How does she do with Halloween? Take her to one of those haunted houses.

we took them to one of those pumpkin patch corn maze hobby farms last year and when we went into the barn she froze when she saw a skeleton decoration on the wall in the barn. She refused to go in. My wife stayed outside with her while I went in with the younger daughter.

 

[Apple Jack]

at going from scared of the slide to harrier pilot.

 

[Clown Car]

My oldest son is very cautious. He watches things over and over before he will try it, trying to mentally master it before trying it physically. But his next brother will try anything a few times before he realizes it hurts. What has helped the older brother is that the younger brother does it first. Then a sense of pride or something takes over and he tries.

So pit them against each other.

 

[TheIronSheik]

My oldest son is very cautious. He watches things over and over before he will try it, trying to mentally master it before trying it physically. But his next brother will try anything a few times before he realizes it hurts. What has helped the older brother is that the younger brother does it first. Then a sense of pride or something takes over and he tries.

So pit them against each other.

Yup. We get this with my daughter's friends. It's one of the few times in life I'm happy to see peer pressure work.

 

[BobbyLayne]

I think some amount of trepidation is quite normal. My youngest turns six in a couple weeks and often claims to be shy (only when I'm around) or says she is too little to try something. But I was just thinking this morning on my walk in to work this morning that the greatest thing to hear from her is "Papa, I did it! (variation - I did it all by myself)".

Not sure this will be helpful, but things I am conscientious about:

• Don't hover, and don't be quick to rescue.
  Not sure how much you go to playgrounds (it's a staple of raising kids in the city), but I make sure I'm 20-50 feet away from the equipment she's on. When she was younger I would look often because she would want reassurance by making eye contact. But at some point she stopped needing that so I usually just socialize with other parents. If she falls I'll walk over but quite often she'll shoo me away and tell me she's OK. As far as climbing goes I taught you need one hand + one foot and you can go to the next spot using either one hand/foot. She's got a lot of confidence now going across monkey bars or hanging upside down.
• If she is playing with other kids, I try to let them work out any conflicts. If it becomes a literal tug of war or shouting match I'll intervene - "who had it first? well the deal is he/she gets to play with it until their done, go do something else" - but just as often I'll literally tell them "work it out".
• We talk a lot about choices. We weigh pros and cons. But unless its something that is going to harm her, I let her make up her own mind. Mistakes are OK; so are course corrections. Nobody is perfect and I don't expect her to be. Sounds weird, but allowing them to fail is a big part of building confidence. Might be more precise to say letting them make decisions (even bad ones) helps them with discernment, and when they recognize what is a good choice, they feel confident because they figured that out themselves (rather than just being told what to do).
• Exposure to lots of activities. It's always been a cool thing in our house to do new things. My oldest was in soccer for many years, now he's a tennis player. He played piano for 8 years, dropped all music for a year, and now plays guitar. My youngest has been in ballet for 5 semesters and is starting her third year of piano. Right now her Afterschool programs include modern dance, microbiology, clay pottery and archery. I let them choose. They have to stay busy and be in programs, but I don't force/coerce either one to do anything besides chores.
• Talk through how to solve problems. Kind of relates to the emphasis on choices. Both my kids are great negotiators. You want something, you have to earn it or give up something you value.
• Walk them through social situations. How do you make new friends? How do you introduce yourself to someone? What should you talk about with a new friend?
• Learn to help others. You're part of a community. Children are completely self-centered, 100% id. Get them to think outside themselves. Develop a willingness to help others. Help them to recognize they are fortunate in many ways - the opportunities they have, the natural gifts they are born with, where they live - and teach them to be generous.
• Teach them how to act around adults. I let the kids be kids a lot, but they know how to act in serious situations. That actually builds their confidence because I've taught them what is the right way to do things.
• It's all a matter of how hard you try. Work ethic is everything. You're both smart - gifted in math and problem solving - but that doesn't mean anything if you don't do the work. You are not entitled to anything. You want something, decide what it is (precisely), figure out how to get there, work hard, never give up.

Sorry, that was some major rambling. My kids both have quiet confidence. They don't brag, but they believe in themselves. They know no matter what, I'll always love them and be their biggest fan.

GL GB

 

[jerry jones]

at going from scared of the slide to harrier pilot.

It is funny, the guy sky dives, scuba, he's bungee jumped..it's like he went completely the opposite direction!

He laughs about it whenever we bring up his childhood.!

 

[gianmarco]

If the kid is otherwise functioning normally and isn't so paralyzed that it's interfering with daily activities, then probably just her personality.

 

[johnnycakes]

How does she do with Halloween? Take her to one of those haunted houses.

we took them to one of those pumpkin patch corn maze hobby farms last year and when we went into the barn she froze when she saw a skeleton decoration on the wall in the barn. She refused to go in. My wife stayed outside with her while I went in with the younger daughter.

Several years ago I took our kids to Spooky World for Halloween. The highlight of the night for everyone was a guy in the woods dressed up as some sort of a goon running around with a REAL chain saw (sans chain). He chased my special-needs son through the woods revving that saw the whole way. The kid came running out of the woods screaming and crying that the zombie was after him with a chain saw. It was hilarious. We still chuckle about that every Halloween.

 

[igbomb]

How does she do with Halloween? Take her to one of those haunted houses.

we took them to one of those pumpkin patch corn maze hobby farms last year and when we went into the barn she froze when she saw a skeleton decoration on the wall in the barn. She refused to go in. My wife stayed outside with her while I went in with the younger daughter.

Several years ago I took our kids to Spooky World for Halloween. The highlight of the night for everyone was a guy in the woods dressed up as some sort of a goon running around with a REAL chain saw (sans chain). He chased my special-needs son through the woods revving that saw the whole way. The kid came running out of the woods screaming and crying that the zombie was after him with a chain saw. It was hilarious. We still chuckle about that every Halloween.

wtf

 

[BobbyLayne]

Parenting tips from JC is right up there with EG regaling about his younger days.

 

[Brony]

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

"Fear Complex" is the name of my New Order tribute band.

 

[El Floppo]

anxious, spooked, black-dot.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

Have any of you dealt with a child who has a strong fear reaction to many new things? We have 2 girls, 6 and 4. 1st grade and preschool. Wife stays at home so they've not been in daycare but have done preschool for 2 years prior to Kindergarten.

Our 6 year old is very typically a first child. Very smart (reads a couple grades ahead) and very much a good big sister. People say she has an old soul. Mature. And absolutely afraid of nearly everything.

Swim lessons, paralyzed with fear. Potty training was a huge struggle. Learning how to climb a ladder at the playground. Showering and rinsing her hair out. Running through a sprinkler. Learning how to ride a bike (with training wheels - she's flat out told me she won't try to learn without training wheels.) Trying a new food.

Some of this may be our doing. We've raised both kids in a pretty intentional way. Schedules, lots of 1-on-1 time, clear rules about treats, don't tolerate bad attitudes. Both the girls are very well behaved but certainly not robotic or passive. Both are leaders with their friends and play well with others.

The 4 year old does not have an issue with fear. Probably because she has an older sibling so she's kind of the playful, joking little adventurer.

My inclination is to just make her try things she's afraid of. My wife is probably better with it, talking to her, encouraging her to breathe, think, even pray together. But no matter what, it's a huge deal. She runs away from loud noises, closes her eyes when there's a cartoon monster on TV. She's just afraid a lot of the time. It's tough to watch.

How is this a bad thing? It's probably why she does as well as she does. Keep up the good work.

 

[GroveDiesel]

My daughter has a lot of fear/anxiety as well. To the point she is terrified of flies.

The best thing we've found is to simply put her in as many situations with other kids doing things as possible. Seeing other kids try and succeed often gives her the courage to try as well. Not always, but it's a significant help most of the time.

 

[shadyridr]

My son is terrified of bugs. Hes always scared of spiders being inside the house and scared to go upstairs by himself. Wont go outside for fear of bees. Its bad. He nearly had a nervous breakdown when a fly landed on him in the pool.

 

[East Coast Bias]

My stepson was like this thru age 10, from refusing to go down a slide, to not wanting to ride roller coasters at great America...we just insisted that he do these things...by high school he was a starting running back, as an adult he now is a pilot of a harrier jet with the marines.

I think you just want to encourage her to face those fears and stay consistent with positive reinforcement.

Is his call sign Nancy?

 

[kface]

[SIZE=medium]http://anxietyfreechild.com/mindfulness-guide/[/SIZE]

 

[LarryAllen'sJockstrap]

How does she do with Halloween? Take her to one of those haunted houses.

we took them to one of those pumpkin patch corn maze hobby farms last year and when we went into the barn she froze when she saw a skeleton decoration on the wall in the barn. She refused to go in. My wife stayed outside with her while I went in with the younger daughter.

Several years ago I took our kids to Spooky World for Halloween. The highlight of the night for everyone was a guy in the woods dressed up as some sort of a goon running around with a REAL chain saw (sans chain). He chased my special-needs son through the woods revving that saw the whole way. The kid came running out of the woods screaming and crying that the zombie was after him with a chain saw. It was hilarious. We still chuckle about that every Halloween.

wtf

That read like a Jack Handey Deep Thought.

 

[El Floppo]

anxious kid for me too (7yo son).

bought this book recently by a guy who we've done workshops with at his old school... best known for a book/approach called "Playful Parenting".

I've only made it through the intro so far: "

The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears

 

[shadyridr]

I worry every day about my son. He has bad anxiety about a lot of things. Terrified of bugs. Still scared to ride a bike (WITH training wheels). Absolutely scared to swim. Hes the only one in class that didnt wear his Halloween costume. Hes the only one who doesnt eat a cupcake at class parties. He covers his face with his hand and/or bites his sleeve or cheek when hes uncomfortable around alot of people. Hes very shy. I went to his class for a party once and he was very quiet and biting his cheek and didnt want any snacks, etc. nothing like this at home. I just found out he doesnt take his jacket off for drama class (its in another building). Im thinking this is a defense mechanism because i know he doesnt like drama. He likes music class and doesnt do this. The other day, we were in line to get gas at Costco and he was looking around and wondering why nobody came on our line and started crying we were in the wrong line.

He wasnt like this in daycare. Made lots of friends. He says he has friends in school but when I went to visit his class he didnt really talk to anyone. He shies away from other kids at the park etc. His best "friend" is his cousin. They love each like brothers. We were at a party and my cousin started playing with a bunch of other kids and my son had a crying fit because he wasnt playing with him. I told him to go play with them and he wouldst. Finally about an hour later he warmed up to everyone and he was fine and playing. It takes him quite awhile to warm up to people and move past his worries. He had two good friends in daycare so I know he can make friends.

He also asks ALOT of questions and repeats them constantly. All these are signs of anxiety. I try to give him pep talks about things. Tell him its ok to be shy but he has to try and be brave and I tell him I love him and Im proud of him every day. I worry about him all the time. It keeps me up at night. Hes only in kindergarten now so his classmates arent mean to him or anything but what happens if hes still like this in the first or second grade? Will he make any friends?

Im signing him up for baseball this spring. Im hopeful it helps him break out of his shell but in reality he will probably be very shy because we wont know any of the kids. I dont want to coach because then he will cling to me.

Btw i was VERY shy growing up. Theres no explaining it. It was very tough for me to make friends. Im still shy to this day but not as bad as I was. So i think he gets this anxiety from me.

Sorry for my rambling thoughts.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

I don't have much, but just want to wish you good luck and best wishes for your boy.

Does he have friends outside of school ? Maybe look for more activities to get him comfortable/used to interacting with others?

 

[shadyridr]

I don't have much, but just want to wish you good luck and best wishes for your boy.

Does he have friends outside of school ? Maybe look for more activities to get him comfortable/used to interacting with others?

He had 2 good friends (brothers) when he was at daycare. We tried to set up a few play dates with them but the parents are kind of wishy washy and dont respond to texts, etc. Other than them, no friends outside of children of my wife's friends or his cousins. The problem with them is they are ALL younger than him. He's 5.5 and his cousin is 4. He's been in daycare since he was 1 1/2 so I would've thought that got him comfortable with others. Signing him up for baseball this spring.

 

[Jaysus]

anxious kid for me too (7yo son).

bought this book recently by a guy who we've done workshops with at his old school... best known for a book/approach called "Playful Parenting".

I've only made it through the intro so far: "

The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears

Look interesting... let me know what you think about it. I've got an anxious 7yo daughter (who flips the flip out every morning when putting her shoes and socks on before school).

 

[shadyridr]

anxious kid for me too (7yo son).

bought this book recently by a guy who we've done workshops with at his old school... best known for a book/approach called "Playful Parenting".

I've only made it through the intro so far: "

The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears

Look interesting... let me know what you think about it. I've got an anxious 7yo daughter (who flips the flip out every morning when putting her shoes and socks on before school).

Oh yeah thats another thing my son does. We have to lay his clothes out the night before otherwise he flips out when picking out clothes in the morning. Cutting his nails is another thing he worries about.

 

[Jaysus]

anxious kid for me too (7yo son).

bought this book recently by a guy who we've done workshops with at his old school... best known for a book/approach called "Playful Parenting".

I've only made it through the intro so far: "

The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears

Look interesting... let me know what you think about it. I've got an anxious 7yo daughter (who flips the flip out every morning when putting her shoes and socks on before school).

Oh yeah thats another thing my son does. We have to lay his clothes out the night before otherwise he flips out when picking out clothes in the morning. Cutting his nails is another thing he worries about.

There is some sort of extra sensory thing related to kinds and clothes (especially on hands and feet), but from the little bit of reading I have done about it, it is not the issue with my daughter... probably not for your boy either, but it may be something else to read up on when you get a chance.

 

[fantasycurse42]

I'll say this much to a worried parent:

It doesn't hurt to have an evaluation from a qualified professional if you have real concerns. If you have real worries, this is the only thing that will give you peace of mind. If there is something that needs addressing, it is better to find out.

I'd also remind anyone that kids are little people with their own little personality. Some adults are very shy as are some little kids. Some adults have weird phobias, as do little kids.

 

[igbomb]

I worry every day about my son. He has bad anxiety about a lot of things. Terrified of bugs. Still scared to ride a bike (WITH training wheels). Absolutely scared to swim. Hes the only one in class that didnt wear his Halloween costume. Hes the only one who doesnt eat a cupcake at class parties. He covers his face with his hand and/or bites his sleeve or cheek when hes uncomfortable around alot of people. Hes very shy. I went to his class for a party once and he was very quiet and biting his cheek and didnt want any snacks, etc. nothing like this at home. I just found out he doesnt take his jacket off for drama class (its in another building). Im thinking this is a defense mechanism because i know he doesnt like drama. He likes music class and doesnt do this. The other day, we were in line to get gas at Costco and he was looking around and wondering why nobody came on our line and started crying we were in the wrong line.

He wasnt like this in daycare. Made lots of friends. He says he has friends in school but when I went to visit his class he didnt really talk to anyone. He shies away from other kids at the park etc. His best "friend" is his cousin. They love each like brothers. We were at a party and my cousin started playing with a bunch of other kids and my son had a crying fit because he wasnt playing with him. I told him to go play with them and he wouldst. Finally about an hour later he warmed up to everyone and he was fine and playing. It takes him quite awhile to warm up to people and move past his worries. He had two good friends in daycare so I know he can make friends.

He also asks ALOT of questions and repeats them constantly. All these are signs of anxiety. I try to give him pep talks about things. Tell him its ok to be shy but he has to try and be brave and I tell him I love him and Im proud of him every day. I worry about him all the time. It keeps me up at night. Hes only in kindergarten now so his classmates arent mean to him or anything but what happens if hes still like this in the first or second grade? Will he make any friends?

Im signing him up for baseball this spring. Im hopeful it helps him break out of his shell but in reality he will probably be very shy because we wont know any of the kids. I dont want to coach because then he will cling to me.

Btw i was VERY shy growing up. Theres no explaining it. It was very tough for me to make friends. Im still shy to this day but not as bad as I was. So i think he gets this anxiety from me.

Sorry for my rambling thoughts.

My son has some anxiety concerns as well though a much narrower set of conditions that set it off. Movie theaters and any show with any hint of drama is a no-go for him.

Of course he has plenty of other issues we struggle with that stress my wife and I out to no end.

We have been meeting recently with a psychologist on his issues in general and she had some comments in particular on anxiety. Essentially, in her professional opinion, anxiety is the core of a whole host of other mental illness. It can lead to any number of issues (depression, OCD, etc.) if not treated. Her position was that if anxiety is confidently diagnosed, getting them on medication early on is key.

Basically, his anxiety consumes him. If he goes on the medication, he will be able to overcome it. But more importantly, his brain will be able to recognize that those things that gave him anxiety are really nothing to fear. So, in 2-3 years, you can slowly take him off the medication. At that point, the anxiety will come back, but he will have a level of understanding that logically there is nothing to fear, at which point he can develop coping mechanisms. Essentially, if you never go on the medication it is nearly impossible to develop those mechanisms. But even a temporary time on the medicine will have permanent benefits through brain development.

We haven't gotten to the point where she feels my son's anxiety warrants it (since it is so narrow in scope) but it may be something you want to look into.