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Dating Advice - I blew and now acting on emotion. Is there anything I can do now? (1 Viewer)

Spiderman

Footballguy
I have been with my girl friend since March of 2021. Probably until June of 2022 (the last ~3 months), things have been going well. About 4 - 5 months into our relationship, it had become a long distance relationship, but we were making it work. I did most of the traveling, which was fine. We went to a few of her family weddings in April and early July of this year, but by July there were some issues developing. My girlfriend has much more relationship experience than me, I just don't have much sadly. She is much more into expressing yourself and I tend to not do that. Over time, and in the recent months, there were some issues that developed with communication. I think she contributed to me shutting down at times, but I agree with her that we need to work on that. By June as our problems with long-distance were also creating issues - prices were going up on airfares, I was traveling less. In her opinion, when I left, it would almost reset the relationship and probably wasn't wrong. She started to ask me about moving to her new location and I think I became scared, which lead me to be more closed down, stubborn, etc. I didn't realize it July because our conversations were going bad, and I think, looking back, I was more concerned with right than listening to her, but as recently as later July, we were still talking about me spending more time in her new location than now.

Between early August and until this past weekend, we hadn't talked on the phone, just pretty regular texting, but nothing serious. We saw each other last weekend. She was in town to see her mom who recently had some surgery. She spent the afternoon with me, and we had lunch and talked. The conversation was not uncomfortable, no tension like some of our phone calls. She did say out loud that she wasn't sure that she was actually ready for this relationship after her past ones, and that my lack of relationship experience are both real issues and made her have to understand what was next for us. She sort of hinted at dating outside of us, and that we could find our way back to each other, but I said I wasn't interested in that, just working things out with her. Looking back, I don't know if she was telling me that was what she was doing and I just didn't hear it, but she actually say that was what she was doing and the timeline for doing that is hard to believe is even possible. I told her I wanted to do what I could do and improve, etc. I think it was clear where I stood and she mentioned she needed to absorb and really think on what she needed. Over the last 10 days, there have been some very generic texts, but nothing about where we stood and she was often delayed in even responding. This past Saturday, I asked her, via text, if she would want to talk soon about us again. After close to 3 days with no response, I decided that I needed to send her a text laying out some things that I haven't said previously.

With her lack of response since we saw each about 10 days ago, and very disconnected text messages, the reality is that she probably may have broken up with me when we saw each other even though she didn't come out and say that. At the very least, she needed time to absorb, which means space. I have kept out hope because she didn't come right out with it, but as time goes on and she isn't really giving me anything definitive, I decided to do what is probably very stupid. At the same time, I thought I had one chance to try and fight for us. I sent her flowers and a long message this evening.

Below is the message I sent - it's long and I removed a few specific things, but it covers most everything. I guess I am holding out hope that I haven't lost her over the last 2-3 months and she will see how much I want to change and do what I can to find our way back to each other - again, most of our relationship has been great, but I do think recent months we haven't connected very well. In my head, while it's possible she could be threw with me, I don't think she would be in any serious relationship considering we were still talking (not productively) through early August, for the most part regular texting and she actually saw me 10 days ago. I don't know why she would see me, keep some line of communication going if she was completely done (her last text to me was on Friday), but I realize I am probably not being rational here. I guess I would be pretty destroyed if she started dating someone else in early August after 1.5 years of us, not actually officially breaking up with me and listening to her talking about her past as a reason to be cautious about her future. It wouldn't be better, but some finality would probably help me.

Maybe the answers are obvious and we are done, but what do you think?
Do I have any moves yet (good or bad)?
Why wouldn't she just respond and tell me things are over?
Is there any timeframe where she could respond?
Is there any reason for me to be optimistic?
I realize that this could also push her away if she's feeling stressed.
Like I said above, I don't think I could forgive myself if I didn't try to say everything. Maybe a bad move, but it wasn't like current status was working either. I thought I took a very self-reflective look that took on heads on some of the things that were coming up in our recent conversations that made things not go well. It may be too late, and I know sending a message can look desperate, but that's why I am. I love her, I think she felt the same about me, and just hoping that the last few months weren't when this ended.

I'm suffering mentally right now and am having a hard time processing. Optimism can help me right now if there's something else I can do or maybe if you think my message can help.

Message sent:

I sent flowers to you today as a way to show you I am thinking of you, and did some much needed recent self-reflection.
I am SO sorry for how our recent conversations have gone. I have been insensitive and showed a lack of empathy in not understanding or asking about your past - I realize how much it matters to who you are. I certainly should have done more this past weekend when we saw each other, but it also opened by eyes to realize my flaws, and self-reflect in how much I have hurt you and what matters most to me - you. I was way too stubborn and took too long to understand how I took us off-track. It took me time to understand that I was afraid of committing myself fully to our relationship when you asked about living in xxxxxx in late June. I was scared, closed off, distant, defensive and stopped listening in our relationship. It hurt our closeness, bond, intimacy and I am so ashamed that I let my fear overcome our connection. You did nothing wrong, I was just scared and I let that that hurt us.
I want to share with you what I learned and how I will do everything possible to regain our connection and your belief in us. I am asking for a leap of faith now and am pleading with you to not close the door on something that has been so meaningful to both of us. I know I have damaged our relationship and I do not mean to not give you space, but I want to fight for us and show you, not just through words, but through actions that our future can be amazing together in xxxxxx.
I am ALL in for every aspect of our lives together and I should have said much sooner. I have made mistakes in being defensive, guarded and didn't treat you like you were my partner. I treated you like you didn't matter when you have always mattered most to me.
I want to re-establish what we were building together and with some work, I do want to live in xxxxx with you full time - not in a year, but much sooner. You are what matters and I want to show that through my actions. I am so blessed to have found the most amazing person (you) who cares so much for me, and I hope I haven't squandered it.

You have made me a better person, but I need to do better in being fully supportive of you and sharing myself, being vulnerable. I want a life with you if you give me that chance. I really do think that we are two peas in a pod.
I need your help now. I am asking for something that I may not deserve and don't mean to pressure you. You told me that relationships are not just about logic, but emotion. I realize now how right you were and I will give every part of myself through my support, understanding and empathy, listening to you more deeply and improving our communication. I want to earn your faith back. Everything I said should have been said much sooner, and I will do better to improve our relationship. I realize how unique our relationship has been, and with recent self-reflection, I want to be part of everything in your life, and vice versa - the good, bad, normal, challenging, all of it!
When we saw each other in xxxxx, you mentioned you needed to absorb my comments on my hope for us continuing our relationship, what you need, and what our future is. I hope you are still absorbing. If you haven't given up on us, I would like to come to xxxxx this weekend and share even more, but I would do it in any way you'd allow me.

You are my best friend, my partner, my rock. You are my family..... I am so in love with you and want to continue together on our life journey that we began.

Let me know your thoughts and if you are willing to take a leap with me. I said a lot, but it's because you matter to me deeply. I am sorry for not sharing how scared I was, but I will make changes both for me, and for us. Our relationship is worth saving and I really believe our lives are better with us together, not apart.

I hope to hear back soon. I miss you so much and want to find our way back to each other. I hope you feel the same.
I Love You
 

tri-man 47

Footballguy
Seems weird that she had to explain to you that relationships are about not just logic, but emotion …yet you put so much emotion into that communication. But it also seems odd to me that the two of you have been communicating so much through texts. If it’s a vibrant, loving relationship, why aren’t you two on the phone/FaceTime regularly instead of sending texts?
 

Uruk-Hai

Footballguy
Sorry to say it, but it may well be that she's already checked out. As to why she just didn't come out and end it, she may be conflict-averse or is trying not to hurt you.

From personal experience, do not do anything else now. It won't work. If she does want to continue the relationship, she will let you know. If you keep trying to force something, she'll definitely be gone.

It sucks and it's hard, but you can't fix this right now.
 

offdee

Footballguy
Sorry man, the reality is that your lack of relationships makes you very unseasoned in what women really want in dating. You did the exact OPPOSITE of what you should've done. Women want a chase and excitement and they want a man to be a man. When she said she needed to process and think you should've let her process and think....meaning, you go dark and let her reach out to you. You said it yourself...your moves reek of desperation and that is a HUGE turnoff to women. Especially women on the fence.

Honestly I didn't even read your final message to her because it doesn't matter what you said. And I imagine she more or less did the same. By the time I got to that message I was so bored and disinterested, it didn't matter and I'm sure she's feeling the same way.

Sorry to be so blunt my man, but take this as a lesson learned for future relationships. You need to be confident, in control and not needy and desperate. This one is over, please let it go. You're just gonna keep digging and digging with no positive reinforcement. Your mindset is that it's done and start the grieving process to move on. Do not text, call or anything anymore. DO NOT TEXT, CALL OR ANYTHING ANYMORE!!1!1! Her not responding to you is all the closure you need. It's disrespectful and immature....focus on that...after a long relationship she's treating you like crap right now knowing you're hurting. You only want to see the good things, I get it, but you deserve more respect than that. Get internally mad at her for this! Stay strong GB, you'll look back on this as a positive lesson. We've all been there.
 

Soootch

Footballguy
Offdee is 100% right and I’ll just add, your silence would be the ONLY thing that might intrigue her enough to leave the door open just a crack for working things out. Suddenly you’re not needy and desperate — what’s going on? Has he changed? Did he meet someone else? That flicker of doubt is likely your only chance, and it’s a slim one. I think it’s probably more likely she’d be relieved if she thought you had moved on. Sorry.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Seems weird that she had to explain to you that relationships are about not just logic, but emotion …yet you put so much emotion into that communication. But it also seems odd to me that the two of you have been communicating so much through texts. If it’s a vibrant, loving relationship, why aren’t you two on the phone/FaceTime regularly instead of sending texts?

I thought it was important in my message to show her that I was listening and am learning. Recently, I was tending to be much more logical around how to make our long-term work better, and I think I came across like I was a manager vs. her partner. After some serious thinking, I realized, perhaps too late though, that this was something I could explain to her that I am willing to put the work in on through some of the skills that I had mentioned - communication, listening, empathy.

She is a very smart person, very reflective in how she expresses herself and I am hoping that my acknowledgment of that will help her see that I am trying to improve for us.

Our communication has been mainly texts over the past month. That's mainly because our conversations haven't gone well - they were mainly around expectations of our relationship and trying to fix some of the issues we had, but too often, the conversations would end uncomfortable for her. After early August, we have only been sending texts, but keeping in touch. We were supposed to meet in person, which we did, and continue conversations, which, like I had mentioned, had been better than our recent phone conversations, but were still missing our connection and I think left many things open.

Obviously, things aren't looking good especially since we haven't been talking, she isn't really responding to my messages, even last week, when we just very casual conversations, very quickly.

I guess I was holding out some hope that she would want to keep seeing what we could do and our overall relationship could help her to give me an opening. It doesn't seem likely though, just wish she should way respond to my message above and say something.
 

offdee

Footballguy
Offdee is 100% right and I’ll just add, your silence would be the ONLY thing that might intrigue her enough to leave the door open just a crack for working things out. Suddenly you’re not needy and desperate — what’s going on? Has he changed? Did he meet someone else? That flicker of doubt is likely your only chance, and it’s a slim one. I think it’s probably more likely she’d be relieved if she thought you had moved on. Sorry.

I actually had a line in my post similar to yours but edited it out because I didn’t want to give him any glimmer of hope because it’s slim to none. You’re absolutely correct, but his mindset should be it’s 100% over so he can just move on.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Sorry man, the reality is that your lack of relationships makes you very unseasoned in what women really want in dating. You did the exact OPPOSITE of what you should've done. Women want a chase and excitement and they want a man to be a man. When she said she needed to process and think you should've let her process and think....meaning, you go dark and let her reach out to you. You said it yourself...your moves reek of desperation and that is a HUGE turnoff to women. Especially women on the fence.

Honestly I didn't even read your final message to her because it doesn't matter what you said. And I imagine she more or less did the same. By the time I got to that message I was so bored and disinterested, it didn't matter and I'm sure she's feeling the same way.

Sorry to be so blunt my man, but take this as a lesson learned for future relationships. You need to be confident, in control and not needy and desperate. This one is over, please let it go. You're just gonna keep digging and digging with no positive reinforcement. Your mindset is that it's done and start the grieving process to move on. Do not text, call or anything anymore. DO NOT TEXT, CALL OR ANYTHING ANYMORE!!1!1! Her not responding to you is all the closure you need. It's disrespectful and immature....focus on that...after a long relationship she's treating you like crap right now knowing you're hurting. You only want to see the good things, I get it, but you deserve more respect than that. Get internally mad at her for this! Stay strong GB, you'll look back on this as a positive lesson. We've all been there.
I don't think she was into games. She wanted someone she could trust. Honestly, I think my challenges and not recognizing/improving them over the July/August were the real issue, and now, even if she sees my willingness to change, it is probably too late.
I really hope she is reading my message and that it at least gives her a deeper perspective that I am listening to her.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Offdee is 100% right and I’ll just add, your silence would be the ONLY thing that might intrigue her enough to leave the door open just a crack for working things out. Suddenly you’re not needy and desperate — what’s going on? Has he changed? Did he meet someone else? That flicker of doubt is likely your only chance, and it’s a slim one. I think it’s probably more likely she’d be relieved if she thought you had moved on. Sorry.

I think that's probably the only thing I can do now. Hopefully, she'll respond in some form.
I really thought, and may it was just my emotions, that if she was/is going to end things with me, at least she'll know that I am willing to try and change for us to work. Again, in her mind, that ship has probably sailed, but I didn't want to leave any doubt with her that I am trying. Maybe there's a chance she'll read my message and realize that, but it's probably a lost battle.
 

offdee

Footballguy
Sorry man, the reality is that your lack of relationships makes you very unseasoned in what women really want in dating. You did the exact OPPOSITE of what you should've done. Women want a chase and excitement and they want a man to be a man. When she said she needed to process and think you should've let her process and think....meaning, you go dark and let her reach out to you. You said it yourself...your moves reek of desperation and that is a HUGE turnoff to women. Especially women on the fence.

Honestly I didn't even read your final message to her because it doesn't matter what you said. And I imagine she more or less did the same. By the time I got to that message I was so bored and disinterested, it didn't matter and I'm sure she's feeling the same way.

Sorry to be so blunt my man, but take this as a lesson learned for future relationships. You need to be confident, in control and not needy and desperate. This one is over, please let it go. You're just gonna keep digging and digging with no positive reinforcement. Your mindset is that it's done and start the grieving process to move on. Do not text, call or anything anymore. DO NOT TEXT, CALL OR ANYTHING ANYMORE!!1!1! Her not responding to you is all the closure you need. It's disrespectful and immature....focus on that...after a long relationship she's treating you like crap right now knowing you're hurting. You only want to see the good things, I get it, but you deserve more respect than that. Get internally mad at her for this! Stay strong GB, you'll look back on this as a positive lesson. We've all been there.
I don't think she was into games. She wanted someone she could trust. Honestly, I think my challenges and not recognizing/improving them over the July/August were the real issue, and now, even if she sees my willingness to change, it is probably too late.
I really hope she is reading my message and that it at least gives her a deeper perspective that I am listening to her.

She’s definitely reading your messages but she’s likely frustrated and rolling her eyes that you’re not just leaving her alone like she said she needed.

You just want some reinforcement, I get it, but if she does respond it’s not anything you’ll want to hear because it won’t be good. Her not responding is all you need to know. It’s over.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Sorry to say it, but it may well be that she's already checked out. As to why she just didn't come out and end it, she may be conflict-averse or is trying not to hurt you.

From personal experience, do not do anything else now. It won't work. If she does want to continue the relationship, she will let you know. If you keep trying to force something, she'll definitely be gone.

It sucks and it's hard, but you can't fix this right now.
That's what I am somewhat puzzled by with her. She isn't one to be indecisive in her feelings on what a relationship should be. In the past, she did mention that our communication needed to improve and I don't think she saw enough improvement (as an example).
I do find it hard to understand that she would now just leave things left unsaid - she's never been like that.
I sent her that message last night. She has definitely read it, but that doesn't mean she'll reply. I hope she does and that's much more in character for her than not. I just could use some level of understanding what she is thinking right now. I don't understand why she couldn't even just say that she needs to move on without even saying much more. Maybe that will happen, but her overall recent communication leads me to believe that she won't respond.
 

offdee

Footballguy
Offdee is 100% right and I’ll just add, your silence would be the ONLY thing that might intrigue her enough to leave the door open just a crack for working things out. Suddenly you’re not needy and desperate — what’s going on? Has he changed? Did he meet someone else? That flicker of doubt is likely your only chance, and it’s a slim one. I think it’s probably more likely she’d be relieved if she thought you had moved on. Sorry.

I think that's probably the only thing I can do now. Hopefully, she'll respond in some form.
I really thought, and may it was just my emotions, that if she was/is going to end things with me, at least she'll know that I am willing to try and change for us to work. Again, in her mind, that ship has probably sailed, but I didn't want to leave any doubt with her that I am trying. Maybe there's a chance she'll read my message and realize that, but it's probably a lost battle.

“I am willing to try and change for us to work”

This is the WORST mentality you can have in relationships. You’re not being true to yourself and she can see right through it.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Sorry man, the reality is that your lack of relationships makes you very unseasoned in what women really want in dating. You did the exact OPPOSITE of what you should've done. Women want a chase and excitement and they want a man to be a man. When she said she needed to process and think you should've let her process and think....meaning, you go dark and let her reach out to you. You said it yourself...your moves reek of desperation and that is a HUGE turnoff to women. Especially women on the fence.

Honestly I didn't even read your final message to her because it doesn't matter what you said. And I imagine she more or less did the same. By the time I got to that message I was so bored and disinterested, it didn't matter and I'm sure she's feeling the same way.

Sorry to be so blunt my man, but take this as a lesson learned for future relationships. You need to be confident, in control and not needy and desperate. This one is over, please let it go. You're just gonna keep digging and digging with no positive reinforcement. Your mindset is that it's done and start the grieving process to move on. Do not text, call or anything anymore. DO NOT TEXT, CALL OR ANYTHING ANYMORE!!1!1! Her not responding to you is all the closure you need. It's disrespectful and immature....focus on that...after a long relationship she's treating you like crap right now knowing you're hurting. You only want to see the good things, I get it, but you deserve more respect than that. Get internally mad at her for this! Stay strong GB, you'll look back on this as a positive lesson. We've all been there.
I don't think she was into games. She wanted someone she could trust. Honestly, I think my challenges and not recognizing/improving them over the July/August were the real issue, and now, even if she sees my willingness to change, it is probably too late.
I really hope she is reading my message and that it at least gives her a deeper perspective that I am listening to her.

She’s definitely reading your messages but she’s likely frustrated and rolling her eyes that you’re not just leaving her alone like she said she needed.

You just want some reinforcement, I get it, but if she does respond it’s not anything you’ll want to hear because it won’t be good. Her not responding is all you need to know. It’s over.
Yeah, I am guessing a response will be that she needs space or is moving on. Something to that effect. I'm holding out a small hope that maybe she'll realize that we did have a great thing and my message was a confirmation of some of her issues with us. Maybe that can be a good thing if the ship hasn't sailed.

As far as not giving her space, that's a risk in all this, but I guess I made a calculation that we have had a lot of space over the last month and that wasn't seemingly doing much. Again, that space was probably a way of saying we're over and I don't understand the difference, but I am just so sad that I made such a mess here.
 

Uruk-Hai

Footballguy
Sorry to say it, but it may well be that she's already checked out. As to why she just didn't come out and end it, she may be conflict-averse or is trying not to hurt you.

From personal experience, do not do anything else now. It won't work. If she does want to continue the relationship, she will let you know. If you keep trying to force something, she'll definitely be gone.

It sucks and it's hard, but you can't fix this right now.
That's what I am somewhat puzzled by with her. She isn't one to be indecisive in her feelings on what a relationship should be. In the past, she did mention that our communication needed to improve and I don't think she saw enough improvement (as an example).
I do find it hard to understand that she would now just leave things left unsaid - she's never been like that.
I sent her that message last night. She has definitely read it, but that doesn't mean she'll reply. I hope she does and that's much more in character for her than not. I just could use some level of understanding what she is thinking right now. I don't understand why she couldn't even just say that she needs to move on without even saying much more. Maybe that will happen, but her overall recent communication leads me to believe that she won't respond.
As to the bolded, you've never been in a breakup situation with her before so you don't really know how she'd act. I'm not saying that to be mean, just saying you can't flowchart this based on past experiences (when things were good).
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Offdee is 100% right and I’ll just add, your silence would be the ONLY thing that might intrigue her enough to leave the door open just a crack for working things out. Suddenly you’re not needy and desperate — what’s going on? Has he changed? Did he meet someone else? That flicker of doubt is likely your only chance, and it’s a slim one. I think it’s probably more likely she’d be relieved if she thought you had moved on. Sorry.

I think that's probably the only thing I can do now. Hopefully, she'll respond in some form.
I really thought, and may it was just my emotions, that if she was/is going to end things with me, at least she'll know that I am willing to try and change for us to work. Again, in her mind, that ship has probably sailed, but I didn't want to leave any doubt with her that I am trying. Maybe there's a chance she'll read my message and realize that, but it's probably a lost battle.

“I am willing to try and change for us to work”

This is the WORST mentality you can have in relationships. You’re not being true to yourself and she can see right through it.

I think both can be true. Communication is something that I know needs to improve. That doesn't change who I am, but listening and showing her that I care could make a difference.
You're right in that I still have to be myself. That was actually good enough for the first 14 or 15 months. I even asked her at one point if she accepts me for me and that I can't change who I am - but I think she took that as I am not willing to make changes to help the relationship.
 

Soootch

Footballguy
Any disc golf leagues nearby? Happy hours with coworkers (do people do that anymore)? Immerse yourself in anything else right now, seems like you need it. Having a good time without thinking about her at all will feel amazing, and it’s the first step to realizing you’ll be fine without her.
 

offdee

Footballguy
Sorry man, the reality is that your lack of relationships makes you very unseasoned in what women really want in dating. You did the exact OPPOSITE of what you should've done. Women want a chase and excitement and they want a man to be a man. When she said she needed to process and think you should've let her process and think....meaning, you go dark and let her reach out to you. You said it yourself...your moves reek of desperation and that is a HUGE turnoff to women. Especially women on the fence.

Honestly I didn't even read your final message to her because it doesn't matter what you said. And I imagine she more or less did the same. By the time I got to that message I was so bored and disinterested, it didn't matter and I'm sure she's feeling the same way.

Sorry to be so blunt my man, but take this as a lesson learned for future relationships. You need to be confident, in control and not needy and desperate. This one is over, please let it go. You're just gonna keep digging and digging with no positive reinforcement. Your mindset is that it's done and start the grieving process to move on. Do not text, call or anything anymore. DO NOT TEXT, CALL OR ANYTHING ANYMORE!!1!1! Her not responding to you is all the closure you need. It's disrespectful and immature....focus on that...after a long relationship she's treating you like crap right now knowing you're hurting. You only want to see the good things, I get it, but you deserve more respect than that. Get internally mad at her for this! Stay strong GB, you'll look back on this as a positive lesson. We've all been there.
I don't think she was into games. She wanted someone she could trust. Honestly, I think my challenges and not recognizing/improving them over the July/August were the real issue, and now, even if she sees my willingness to change, it is probably too late.
I really hope she is reading my message and that it at least gives her a deeper perspective that I am listening to her.

She’s definitely reading your messages but she’s likely frustrated and rolling her eyes that you’re not just leaving her alone like she said she needed.

You just want some reinforcement, I get it, but if she does respond it’s not anything you’ll want to hear because it won’t be good. Her not responding is all you need to know. It’s over.
Yeah, I am guessing a response will be that she needs space or is moving on. Something to that effect. I'm holding out a small hope that maybe she'll realize that we did have a great thing and my message was a confirmation of some of her issues with us. Maybe that can be a good thing if the ship hasn't sailed.

As far as not giving her space, that's a risk in all this, but I guess I made a calculation that we have had a lot of space over the last month and that wasn't seemingly doing much. Again, that space was probably a way of saying we're over and I don't understand the difference, but I am just so sad that I made such a mess here.

You didn’t make a mess here my man. I think you feel like your reactions over the past couple of weeks are what ended it. The reality is that she was slowly checking out probably for the past 9 months. You just weren’t a good match in your natural emotional and communication styles. Take solace in that and now you’re free to find someone that does match with you and understand you. And you don’t have to become someone else to keep her happy. That’s a long term losing proposition for you.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Sorry to say it, but it may well be that she's already checked out. As to why she just didn't come out and end it, she may be conflict-averse or is trying not to hurt you.

From personal experience, do not do anything else now. It won't work. If she does want to continue the relationship, she will let you know. If you keep trying to force something, she'll definitely be gone.

It sucks and it's hard, but you can't fix this right now.
That's what I am somewhat puzzled by with her. She isn't one to be indecisive in her feelings on what a relationship should be. In the past, she did mention that our communication needed to improve and I don't think she saw enough improvement (as an example).
I do find it hard to understand that she would now just leave things left unsaid - she's never been like that.
I sent her that message last night. She has definitely read it, but that doesn't mean she'll reply. I hope she does and that's much more in character for her than not. I just could use some level of understanding what she is thinking right now. I don't understand why she couldn't even just say that she needs to move on without even saying much more. Maybe that will happen, but her overall recent communication leads me to believe that she won't respond.
As to the bolded, you've never been in a breakup situation with her before so you don't really know how she'd act. I'm not saying that to be mean, just saying you can't flowchart this based on past experiences (when things were good).
True, but even in our previous issues, she was pro-active in leading the conversation, talk about why we were having an issue and then explaining why it matters to her that we fix things and improve. Maybe that happened too many times recently, especially with our conversations not ending well, and felt that I wasn't doing things to improve and was actually making things worse to the point where she sort of gave up.
Still, it's just hard to understand why she would have seen me last weekend, continued a level of communication until very recently.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Any disc golf leagues nearby? Happy hours with coworkers (do people do that anymore)? Immerse yourself in anything else right now, seems like you need it. Having a good time without thinking about her at all will feel amazing, and it’s the first step to realizing you’ll be fine without her.

That's also a struggle. I am so messed up. This is what I am thinking about and I don't really have any good distractions. I just want things back but know it's out of my control now. I hope this gets better.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Move on. Most long distance relationships don’t work out.

And honestly, it’s really odd that you two haven’t talked much on the phone in practically a month. I would think if you two were going well, there would be a phone call at least every other day.

Yeah, that part isn't good, but it was sort of a timeout until we saw each other. Still, there were lots of conversations that didn't end well, especially from her point of view. She is very in-touch with her emotions and I don't think she thought I was doing some of the things that are needed to support each other. So, over the last month, we did have some conversations that ended awkwardly or even with some more issues from that call. If she's not seeing any progress from our conversations and thinks I am not willing to change, etc. that is probably why she has become more distant.
 

Dezbelief

Footballguy



You made your pitch, let it rest, full radio silence. You do you, be who you are. She's found someone else. She's moved on, maybe she comes back maybe she doesn't. Don't rush into a relationship but certainly don't turn one down. I'm sorry but don't let it tear you up too bad. There will be another.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy



You made your pitch, let it rest, full radio silence. You do you, be who you are. She's found someone else. She's moved on, maybe she comes back maybe she doesn't. Don't rush into a relationship but certainly don't turn one down. I'm sorry but don't let it tear you up too bad. There will be another.

I don't think she has, but I also don't know. We were talking regularly through July even though our relationship wasn't good and conversations not ending well. In August, we haven't talked, but she did actually see me last weekend and has left, at least until last Friday, communication open via text. She traveled back to see her mother one weekend as well. While it's possible she did meet someone else and is exploring that or beginning to see this person, it just seems very quick. One of her points in our conversation was that when we met, she was just coming out of a longer-term relationship and she didn't actually know, looking back, if our relationship was even healthy for her at the time, given her past. I really don't think she would have started seeing someone with all of this going on with me, but, again, I could be wrong. I do think it's probably more likely she is taking time to consider her options, but that may mean (and probably does) moving on from me since we haven't been able to get along for 2-3 months. I just find it odd that she would see me and continue talking on text to some degree with someone that she decided to move on from - I guess that is what I'm clinging to, and ultimately, why I sent that message.
 

Soootch

Footballguy
Any disc golf leagues nearby? Happy hours with coworkers (do people do that anymore)? Immerse yourself in anything else right now, seems like you need it. Having a good time without thinking about her at all will feel amazing, and it’s the first step to realizing you’ll be fine without her.

That's also a struggle. I am so messed up. This is what I am thinking about and I don't really have any good distractions. I just want things back but know it's out of my control now. I hope this gets better.
You’d be surprised how easy it can be. Take a long walk every day, listening to podcasts so you’re not thinking about her. Take on projects at home. Do things just for yourself where you feel good physically afterwards, or accomplished. Stop looking at yourself through the lens of this person who rejected you, asking what you could’ve done differently. Look around and ask how you can improve things for yourself, today, even if it’s small.
 

ChiefD

Footballguy
Look - it totally sucks right now. We all know that. But that's part of it. You mentioned you don't have a lot of dating experience - well, you have some now.

If she comes back she does. If not, there are a TON of women out in the world. And that, my friend, is what makes the next step so much fun. You've learned some things about yourself and the next woman in your life will benefit from that. Or the one after that.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
These would be the main things I'm reading through and I also appreciate all of the feedback.

  • Do I have any moves yet (good or bad)?
    • Is there any other way? Can I send a follow-up? Is it better to just leave ball in her court? Can a friend reach out and see if they can get some information​
  • Why wouldn't she just respond and tell me things are over?
    • Her past conversations and willingness to share her thoughts/feelings conflict with her just not giving me a response. Maybe a lack of response is an answer also. It goes though 100% opposite of every over conversation we have had when we are resolving a conflict. She is the most open person I have ever met and actively looks to communicate.​
  • Is there any timeframe where she could respond?
    • She received and read my message last night. She is a thoughtful person. It's possible she will take some time, read through it and respond. It's possible she will tell me that this would have helped in the past, but it's too little, too late. Of course, I am anxious here and just want to know what she's thinking. It's hard for me to understand why even a short reply is not coming. What does a no response mean? Obviously, things are over or, best case, she really needs space. Realistically, a lack of response, if there's any hope, in the next day or two is probably an ending.​
  • Is there any reason for me to be optimistic?
    • She did see on August 21st. We did appear to have at least a decent conversation, and had lunch. It was great to see her. Her seeing me has to mean something even if I was concerned with her dropping a hint about dating other people or not being sure about our future. I did state what I wanted over lunch, which was to get things right again, but I didn't get into my self-reflection that I sent last night. Again, we have been sending general texts through last Friday. That keeps a door open somewhat, even if the delays in responses also means something negative. I guess, and could be wrong, that there could be a small light on if I'm being very optimistic.​
  • I realize that this could also push her away if she's feeling stressed.
    • If she truly needs more space, this will not help her. At the same time, we haven't been talking or have seen each other in person until last week. Maybe that's not enough space for her, but it's part of the problem in a long-distance relationship. By definition, there is too much space and I decided to try a different way and not leave anything left unsaid.
  • Like I said above, I don't think I could forgive myself if I didn't try to say everything. Maybe a bad move, but it wasn't like current status was working either. I thought I took a very self-reflective look that took on heads on some of the things that were coming up in our recent conversations that made things not go well. It may be too late, and I know sending a message can look desperate, but that's why I am. I love her, I think she felt the same about me, and just hoping that the last few months weren't when this ended.
    • This is my gamble. Things were probably over, but I thought that, because there was no official ending to this point, that I had to say everything needed. If she doesn't want to talk, then I at least she's got a record of how I feel what I would be willing to do. It could look as desperate, but I really hope she reads it and sees me addressing many of the issues that she was calling out. By bringing them to the surface and owning them, I am hoping that she will see that as progress and maybe things can improve.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Honestly your replies are exhausting to read. You just keep saying the same thing over and over. I can only imagine what you’re communication with her in desperation mode was like.

Sorry. I think you've given some good advice and appreciate it. I'm just struggling to process and holding out hope (vs. reality) at the same time.
I never actually went into desperation mode with her. In fact, I was, at the time, telling myself how I stood up to her, I'm not changing for anyone, etc. she's the one with the issues, etc. Looking back, and being much more self-reflective, I realize now how should have listened to what she was telling me and not try to win the argument.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Look - it totally sucks right now. We all know that. But that's part of it. You mentioned you don't have a lot of dating experience - well, you have some now.

If she comes back she does. If not, there are a TON of women out in the world. And that, my friend, is what makes the next step so much fun. You've learned some things about yourself and the next woman in your life will benefit from that. Or the one after that.

I'm not good at meeting women. I don't even know where. I am so afraid that a year from now, I'll be on my own like I was before this girl that has made me a wreck.
I don't know where to go, I don't have much of a game....I'm not a bad looking person, I have a good career, and I'm a good person. I'm not a disaster in any sense, but I don't know much about meeting women and then going from there.
That probably adds to my current state. I am so afraid that I threw something aside that was great and now I am alone again.
 

Soootch

Footballguy
Look - it totally sucks right now. We all know that. But that's part of it. You mentioned you don't have a lot of dating experience - well, you have some now.

If she comes back she does. If not, there are a TON of women out in the world. And that, my friend, is what makes the next step so much fun. You've learned some things about yourself and the next woman in your life will benefit from that. Or the one after that.
There is nothing better than those first few months dating after a long relationship ends. It’s like the world is a big, tasty lady buffet and you never get full. After I broke off an engagement I even became less inhibited in asking women out. It really is amazing how many single attractive women are out there and how little effort it takes to sleep with them.
 

ChiefD

Footballguy
Look - it totally sucks right now. We all know that. But that's part of it. You mentioned you don't have a lot of dating experience - well, you have some now.

If she comes back she does. If not, there are a TON of women out in the world. And that, my friend, is what makes the next step so much fun. You've learned some things about yourself and the next woman in your life will benefit from that. Or the one after that.

I'm not good at meeting women. I don't even know where. I am so afraid that a year from now, I'll be on my own like I was before this girl that has made me a wreck.
I don't know where to go, I don't have much of a game....I'm not a bad looking person, I have a good career, and I'm a good person. I'm not a disaster in any sense, but I don't know much about meeting women and then going from there.
That probably adds to my current state. I am so afraid that I threw something aside that was great and now I am alone again.
To be fair, this goes both directions. Relationships end usually because both parties have contributed to that ending. So don't be so hard on yourself.

Sometimes two people just aren't a fit. And this is what it sounds like in your situation.

As for meeting women, sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone. If you're the type of guy who just goes home after work, change that.

Do you have any hobbies? Running, sports, movies, etc....? Join a meet-up group in your city and meet some new people. Easier said than done, but what the heck. Try something new.
 

offdee

Footballguy
Look - it totally sucks right now. We all know that. But that's part of it. You mentioned you don't have a lot of dating experience - well, you have some now.

If she comes back she does. If not, there are a TON of women out in the world. And that, my friend, is what makes the next step so much fun. You've learned some things about yourself and the next woman in your life will benefit from that. Or the one after that.

I'm not good at meeting women. I don't even know where. I am so afraid that a year from now, I'll be on my own like I was before this girl that has made me a wreck.
I don't know where to go, I don't have much of a game....I'm not a bad looking person, I have a good career, and I'm a good person. I'm not a disaster in any sense, but I don't know much about meeting women and then going from there.
That probably adds to my current state. I am so afraid that I threw something aside that was great and now I am alone again.

Get to the gym and sign up for Hinge and Tinder. If you’re good looking and have a good career, you’ll be fine.

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone.
 

Summer Wheat

Footballguy
Sorry to say it, but it may well be that she's already checked out. As to why she just didn't come out and end it, she may be conflict-averse or is trying not to hurt you.

From personal experience, do not do anything else now. It won't work. If she does want to continue the relationship, she will let you know. If you keep trying to force something, she'll definitely be gone.

It sucks and it's hard, but you can't fix this right now.

Agree, once a person has checked out mentally in a relationship tough to get the engine going at full throttle again.
 

brun

Footballguy
Sounds like the relationship has run its course.
She's done but hasn't communicated it explicitly.
I think you've tried to salvage it but it's probably not going to happen, especially long distance.
I'd probably give up on this. If you're not ready, I understand but try not to beg.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Sorry to say it, but it may well be that she's already checked out. As to why she just didn't come out and end it, she may be conflict-averse or is trying not to hurt you.

From personal experience, do not do anything else now. It won't work. If she does want to continue the relationship, she will let you know. If you keep trying to force something, she'll definitely be gone.

It sucks and it's hard, but you can't fix this right now.

Agree, once a person has checked out mentally in a relationship tough to get the engine going at full throttle again.

That is probably why she isn't responding.
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Sounds like the relationship has run its course.
She's done but hasn't communicated it explicitly.
I think you've tried to salvage it but it's probably not going to happen, especially long distance.
I'd probably give up on this. If you're not ready, I understand but try not to beg.

Most likely true. It is the opposite of how she has handled every other challenge we have had though and it's as if we didn't have some communication. It just feels so unlike her to not respond, but if she has checked out....

As for long distance, and I did say this in my message, I want to be with her. I was not as willing to do that before, but I have realized what what matters. I am willing to move to be with her, but she may not care anymore.
 

STEADYMOBBIN 22

Footballguy
These would be the main things I'm reading through and I also appreciate all of the feedback.

  • Do I have any moves yet (good or bad)?​
    • Is there any other way? Can I send a follow-up? Is it better to just leave ball in her court? Can a friend reach out and see if they can get some information​
  • Why wouldn't she just respond and tell me things are over?​
    • Her past conversations and willingness to share her thoughts/feelings conflict with her just not giving me a response. Maybe a lack of response is an answer also. It goes though 100% opposite of every over conversation we have had when we are resolving a conflict. She is the most open person I have ever met and actively looks to communicate.​
  • Is there any timeframe where she could respond?​
    • She received and read my message last night. She is a thoughtful person. It's possible she will take some time, read through it and respond. It's possible she will tell me that this would have helped in the past, but it's too little, too late. Of course, I am anxious here and just want to know what she's thinking. It's hard for me to understand why even a short reply is not coming. What does a no response mean? Obviously, things are over or, best case, she really needs space. Realistically, a lack of response, if there's any hope, in the next day or two is probably an ending.​
  • Is there any reason for me to be optimistic?​
    • She did see on August 21st. We did appear to have at least a decent conversation, and had lunch. It was great to see her. Her seeing me has to mean something even if I was concerned with her dropping a hint about dating other people or not being sure about our future. I did state what I wanted over lunch, which was to get things right again, but I didn't get into my self-reflection that I sent last night. Again, we have been sending general texts through last Friday. That keeps a door open somewhat, even if the delays in responses also means something negative. I guess, and could be wrong, that there could be a small light on if I'm being very optimistic.​
  • I realize that this could also push her away if she's feeling stressed.
    • If she truly needs more space, this will not help her. At the same time, we haven't been talking or have seen each other in person until last week. Maybe that's not enough space for her, but it's part of the problem in a long-distance relationship. By definition, there is too much space and I decided to try a different way and not leave anything left unsaid.
  • Like I said above, I don't think I could forgive myself if I didn't try to say everything. Maybe a bad move, but it wasn't like current status was working either. I thought I took a very self-reflective look that took on heads on some of the things that were coming up in our recent conversations that made things not go well. It may be too late, and I know sending a message can look desperate, but that's why I am. I love her, I think she felt the same about me, and just hoping that the last few months weren't when this ended.
    • This is my gamble. Things were probably over, but I thought that, because there was no official ending to this point, that I had to say everything needed. If she doesn't want to talk, then I at least she's got a record of how I feel what I would be willing to do. It could look as desperate, but I really hope she reads it and sees me addressing many of the issues that she was calling out. By bringing them to the surface and owning them, I am hoping that she will see that as progress and maybe things can improve.

OK, youve gotten it all out.

Go cry. Get angry. Feel sorry for yourself. Get tired of crying and being angry. Nothing wrong with any of that.

You done? Good. Go work out. Stay busy. The rest will follow.
 

fruity pebbles

Footballguy
Sorry man, the reality is that your lack of relationships makes you very unseasoned in what women really want in dating. You did the exact OPPOSITE of what you should've done. Women want a chase and excitement and they want a man to be a man. When she said she needed to process and think you should've let her process and think....meaning, you go dark and let her reach out to you. You said it yourself...your moves reek of desperation and that is a HUGE turnoff to women. Especially women on the fence.

Honestly I didn't even read your final message to her because it doesn't matter what you said. And I imagine she more or less did the same. By the time I got to that message I was so bored and disinterested, it didn't matter and I'm sure she's feeling the same way.

Sorry to be so blunt my man, but take this as a lesson learned for future relationships. You need to be confident, in control and not needy and desperate. This one is over, please let it go. You're just gonna keep digging and digging with no positive reinforcement. Your mindset is that it's done and start the grieving process to move on. Do not text, call or anything anymore. DO NOT TEXT, CALL OR ANYTHING ANYMORE!!1!1! Her not responding to you is all the closure you need. It's disrespectful and immature....focus on that...after a long relationship she's treating you like crap right now knowing you're hurting. You only want to see the good things, I get it, but you deserve more respect than that. Get internally mad at her for this! Stay strong GB, you'll look back on this as a positive lesson. We've all been there.
This! By the time a girl breaks up with you she's thought about it for awhile. She's more than likely already seeing someone else. Sorry bud. Only way to turn things around is not act desperate and show that you've moved on. I know that's very hard to do. Hang in there.
 

Dinsy Ejotuz

Footballguy
Sorry to say it, but it may well be that she's already checked out. As to why she just didn't come out and end it, she may be conflict-averse or is trying not to hurt you.

From personal experience, do not do anything else now. It won't work. If she does want to continue the relationship, she will let you know. If you keep trying to force something, she'll definitely be gone.

It sucks and it's hard, but you can't fix this right now.
 

Dinsy Ejotuz

Footballguy
Sorry man. Broken hearts suck and never get easier.

Find a rebound, take up a hobby, go on a solo vacation, or all of the above.

Just keep yourself busy and if you think about the relationship at all do it in terms of what you learned and can use in the future to be a better partner.

And don't do those things to try and get her back. Do them for yourself and the awesome woman you're going to meet down the road.
 

fruity pebbles

Footballguy
You need to stop the........she's perfect and everything was my fault mindset. The brain focuses on only the positives about a relationship after being dumped. Might be therapeutic to write down all of the negatives and refer back to it when your mind gets in this loop. Focus on you right now. Hit the gym, get out of the house, hang with friends etc.
 

Dezbelief

Footballguy
These would be the main things I'm reading through and I also appreciate all of the feedback.

  • Do I have any moves yet (good or bad)?
    • Is there any other way? Can I send a follow-up? Is it better to just leave ball in her court? Can a friend reach out and see if they can get some information​
  • Why wouldn't she just respond and tell me things are over?
    • Her past conversations and willingness to share her thoughts/feelings conflict with her just not giving me a response. Maybe a lack of response is an answer also. It goes though 100% opposite of every over conversation we have had when we are resolving a conflict. She is the most open person I have ever met and actively looks to communicate.​
  • Is there any timeframe where she could respond?
    • She received and read my message last night. She is a thoughtful person. It's possible she will take some time, read through it and respond. It's possible she will tell me that this would have helped in the past, but it's too little, too late. Of course, I am anxious here and just want to know what she's thinking. It's hard for me to understand why even a short reply is not coming. What does a no response mean? Obviously, things are over or, best case, she really needs space. Realistically, a lack of response, if there's any hope, in the next day or two is probably an ending.​
  • Is there any reason for me to be optimistic?
    • She did see on August 21st. We did appear to have at least a decent conversation, and had lunch. It was great to see her. Her seeing me has to mean something even if I was concerned with her dropping a hint about dating other people or not being sure about our future. I did state what I wanted over lunch, which was to get things right again, but I didn't get into my self-reflection that I sent last night. Again, we have been sending general texts through last Friday. That keeps a door open somewhat, even if the delays in responses also means something negative. I guess, and could be wrong, that there could be a small light on if I'm being very optimistic.​
  • I realize that this could also push her away if she's feeling stressed.
    • If she truly needs more space, this will not help her. At the same time, we haven't been talking or have seen each other in person until last week. Maybe that's not enough space for her, but it's part of the problem in a long-distance relationship. By definition, there is too much space and I decided to try a different way and not leave anything left unsaid.
  • Like I said above, I don't think I could forgive myself if I didn't try to say everything. Maybe a bad move, but it wasn't like current status was working either. I thought I took a very self-reflective look that took on heads on some of the things that were coming up in our recent conversations that made things not go well. It may be too late, and I know sending a message can look desperate, but that's why I am. I love her, I think she felt the same about me, and just hoping that the last few months weren't when this ended.
    • This is my gamble. Things were probably over, but I thought that, because there was no official ending to this point, that I had to say everything needed. If she doesn't want to talk, then I at least she's got a record of how I feel what I would be willing to do. It could look as desperate, but I really hope she reads it and sees me addressing many of the issues that she was calling out. By bringing them to the surface and owning them, I am hoping that she will see that as progress and maybe things can improve.
Full radio silence.

Definitely have a friend reach out to her and try to find out info. She’ll love that.
/sarcasm
 

Spiderman

Footballguy
Sorry man, the reality is that your lack of relationships makes you very unseasoned in what women really want in dating. You did the exact OPPOSITE of what you should've done. Women want a chase and excitement and they want a man to be a man. When she said she needed to process and think you should've let her process and think....meaning, you go dark and let her reach out to you. You said it yourself...your moves reek of desperation and that is a HUGE turnoff to women. Especially women on the fence.

Honestly I didn't even read your final message to her because it doesn't matter what you said. And I imagine she more or less did the same. By the time I got to that message I was so bored and disinterested, it didn't matter and I'm sure she's feeling the same way.

Sorry to be so blunt my man, but take this as a lesson learned for future relationships. You need to be confident, in control and not needy and desperate. This one is over, please let it go. You're just gonna keep digging and digging with no positive reinforcement. Your mindset is that it's done and start the grieving process to move on. Do not text, call or anything anymore. DO NOT TEXT, CALL OR ANYTHING ANYMORE!!1!1! Her not responding to you is all the closure you need. It's disrespectful and immature....focus on that...after a long relationship she's treating you like crap right now knowing you're hurting. You only want to see the good things, I get it, but you deserve more respect than that. Get internally mad at her for this! Stay strong GB, you'll look back on this as a positive lesson. We've all been there.
This! By the time a girl breaks up with you she's thought about it for awhile. She's more than likely already seeing someone else. Sorry bud. Only way to turn things around is not act desperate and show that you've moved on. I know that's very hard to do. Hang in there.
If she's broken up with me, she hasn't come out and said that. In fact, she came to see me last week and said she needed to 'absorb/think'.
Maybe I'm not seeing every clear here with all of the things that have gone wrong in the past few months.
 

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