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Divorce - What do/did you tell your kids? (1 Viewer)

Divorce - What do/did you tell your kids?

  • "mommy and daddy aren't married anymore so I'm moving out"

    Votes: 16 31.4%

  • Say I'm leaving for work and tell her when she's older

    Votes: 4 7.8%

  • Tell her I'm leaving because she a horrible kid and since I don't love you, no man will ever

    Votes: 20 39.2%

  • Other

    Votes: 11 21.6%
  • Total voters
    51
Arizona Ron

Arizona Ron

Footballguy
Divorce - What do/did you tell your kids?

So, I'm moving out of my house and leaving my wife and kid behind. I'm not moving far (30mins or so), close enough to visit several times a week.

I'm thinking about what to tell my daughter. My daughter is 8 btw.

I know kids aren't stupid, so being straight up seems like the best method. I do travel a lot and could simply say I'm working during the week and see her every weekend.

 
It won't soften the blow, sorry... My parents split when I was 5.

What I heard was mommy/daddy won't live together anymore, but we each still love you very much. I know it is difficult, but the fighting needs to be kept down in front of the kid.

Sorry dude.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
I know it is difficult, but the fighting needs to be kept down in front of the kid.
Click to expand...
This is basically why I'm moving out. It's hit a point where we bicker about everything. I'm not sure if I'll go through with actually filling for divorce as I'll never get married again. Maybe she'll decide she wants to get married again and wants it.

 
Be straightforward with her. Tell her that you love her very much, that you are always going to be her dad and will always be there for her, but that you and your wife will no longer be living together. If you have been fighting in front of her, let her know that you are sorry that she saw that, and that the fighting in front of her was wrong and not how people should live. Be open to questions, and answer them as honestly as you can. Except for the hookers and blow in Tijuana.

Glllll, said that to my kids 18 months ago. Not easy, tears will be shed, but in the end the kid deserves to live in a home without constant parental strife. She will appreciate that you are happier and more able to be her dad.

 
bakes said:
Be straightforward with her. Tell her that you love her very much, that you are always going to be her dad and will always be there for her, but that you and your wife will no longer be living together. If you have been fighting in front of her, let her know that you are sorry that she saw that, and that the fighting in front of her was wrong and not how people should live.
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:thumbup: My parents did the same thing to me when they split up. Look how I turned out.

 
Agree with telling the 8 year old the truth. Curious, is there any downside to not going through with the actual divorce. I'd think you'd save a few bucks with being able to stick with the family health care. Not sure about tax consequences.

 
That sucks AR and agree with the advice given so far. From what you have shared about your relationship, it sounds like all parties will be better off.

The real question is who gets custody of the Ice Princess in the divorce? :D

 
bakes said:
Be straightforward with her. Tell her that you love her very much, that you are always going to be her dad and will always be there for her, but that you and your wife will no longer be living together. If you have been fighting in front of her, let her know that you are sorry that she saw that, and that the fighting in front of her was wrong and not how people should live. Be open to questions, and answer them as honestly as you can. Except for the hookers and blow in Tijuana.

Glllll, said that to my kids 18 months ago. Not easy, tears will be shed, but in the end the kid deserves to live in a home without constant parental strife. She will appreciate that you are happier and more able to be her dad.
Click to expand...
:goodposting:

 
My wife doesn't want me to move out but I simply can't put up with her anymore. I even thought about just putting up with it until my daughter is 18 but another 10 years of smartass comments to each other isn't going to make for a nice home.

I figured it's best to do it before we're both at the point where we hate each other, don't talk and have to resort to lawyers to figure anything out.

 
We even tried marriage counseling, which was a waste of time. Wife was way too selective in what she wanted to discuss, me, I'll tell a shrink anything. Hell, I'll tell the internet anything.

 
Arizona Ron said:
My wife doesn't want me to move out but I simply can't put up with her anymore. I even thought about just putting up with it until my daughter is 18 but another 10 years of smartass comments to each other isn't going to make for a nice home.

I figured it's best to do it before we're both at the point where we hate each other, don't talk and have to resort to lawyers to figure anything out.
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:yes: Listen to yourself. I didn't.

 
See if you can find this book at the library or buy it on amazon. No need to read it cover to cover, but it has some very good, very practical advice for how to handle this. Prepare for your conversation with your daughter like you would rehearsing lines for a play or work presentation. Make sure you and your wife are on the same page. Be honest and be ready to answer questions. Be prepared. Almost all couples read a book or articles about child birth or what to expect while expecting. Almost no couples read books or articles on how best to divorce. It's important to be prepared.

My kids were 3 and 5. We told them directly and honestly, then we all went out to dinner and afterwards, we all went to my new townhouse where they saw their new room, which they knew they would sleep in a few nights a week. Their other rooms at the house (where my exwife remained) and living situation would remain unchanged and that's important. Please make sure your daughter knows that as she'll have a million questions...not knowing where she'll sleep at night is a big one so make sure you know before you talk.

Good luck. Outside of the book recommendation, I'd make sure your new place is secure and has a room just for your daughter that she can help design, decorate and furnish. It'll help remove the sting.

 
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In a multiple kid situation, do you tell/talk to an older child differently and/or at a different time than a younger one who is too young to understand the reality?

Asking for a friend.

 
Good stuff guys. Do you think I talk to my daughter first solo or both at the same time.

I would prefer to do it solo first because I want her to ask me questions which she may not in front of my wife.

Bad idea?

 
How much notice should I give the daughter? Obviously telling her and leaving that day would be intense. Do I tell her a week before? A few days?

 
Arizona Ron said:
fantasycurse42 said:
I know it is difficult, but the fighting needs to be kept down in front of the kid.
Click to expand...
This is basically why I'm moving out. It's hit a point where we bicker about everything. I'm not sure if I'll go through with actually filling for divorce as I'll never get married again. Maybe she'll decide she wants to get married again and wants it.
Click to expand...
Maybe now that all of that stuff is legal.

 
Arizona Ron said:
How much notice should I give the daughter? Obviously telling her and leaving that day would be intense. Do I tell her a week before? A few days?
Click to expand...
You and your wife should talk to her at the same time but make sure you are on the same page. Break it to her together, then offer to have some one on one time with her. I would secure your place of residence first and have a definitive timeline. Now is absolutely NOT the time for ambiguity or uncertainty. Know exactly what you're doing, where you're going and prepare like hell how you talk to her and how to handle the questions she might ask. Even jot some of them down with your wife so you can rehearse. Seriously...be prepared. I know it sounds trite, but the better prepared you are the better off she'll be.

 
Arizona Ron said:
fantasycurse42 said:
I know it is difficult, but the fighting needs to be kept down in front of the kid.
Click to expand...
This is basically why I'm moving out. It's hit a point where we bicker about everything. I'm not sure if I'll go through with actually filling for divorce as I'll never get married again. Maybe she'll decide she wants to get married again and wants it.
Click to expand...
Get the divorce. A friend of mine tried something like this, but mostly to keep the "mother of his children" on his health insurance, but ended up having to fork over half of what he made/accrued during that time period as well (which included his 401k, appreciation/paydown his new house, proceeds, pension, and a bunch of other stuff). Ended up as a total nightmare for him as she went back on a lot of things she had verbally committed to. If you know it's not going to happen anymore, make a clean break.

As to the kids, I've seen a few now as well as was a child through a couple (my parents, my dad's second wife, my dad's third wife). Kids that age are pretty resilient, but can get a bit lost in confusion if they don't understand what is happening. GM's advice is spot on though it can be easier said than done depending on the relationship with the ex.

 
johnadams said:
Arizona Ron said:
fantasycurse42 said:
I know it is difficult, but the fighting needs to be kept down in front of the kid.
Click to expand...
This is basically why I'm moving out. It's hit a point where we bicker about everything. I'm not sure if I'll go through with actually filling for divorce as I'll never get married again. Maybe she'll decide she wants to get married again and wants it.
Click to expand...
Get the divorce. A friend of mine tried something like this, but mostly to keep the "mother of his children" on his health insurance, but ended up having to fork over half of what he made/accrued during that time period as well (which included his 401k, appreciation/paydown his new house, proceeds, pension, and a bunch of other stuff). Ended up as a total nightmare for him as she went back on a lot of things she had verbally committed to. If you know it's not going to happen anymore, make a clean break.

As to the kids, I've seen a few now as well as was a child through a couple (my parents, my dad's second wife, my dad's third wife). Kids that age are pretty resilient, but can get a bit lost in confusion if they don't understand what is happening. GM's advice is spot on though it can be easier said than done depending on the relationship with the ex.
Click to expand...
Is that an alimony issue? Might be different if both people are making similar salaries.

 
Get the divorce:

SECTION 204. PRESUMPTION OF PATERNITY.
(a) A man is presumed to be the father of a child if:
(1) he and the mother of the child are married to each other and the child is born during the marriage;
Click to expand...
 
Arizona Ron said:
We even tried marriage counseling, which was a waste of time. Wife was way too selective in what she wanted to discuss, me, I'll tell a shrink anything. Hell, I'll tell the internet anything.
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i would agree.

my son is 5 now. my marriage ended when he was about 2 1/2. it helps when they're a little younger like mine, i think. that said, it's imperative for the child to feel secure, supported and loved. be straight about the divorce happening, their place in your life, and present a positive outlook for the future for them in your life.

 
GM and bakes with good advice. Only thing I'd add is to be prepared for your child to think she's responsible for Mommy and Daddy splitting up. For me, that was probably the hardest part to manage with my son. He was 6 at the time, and that struggle continued for a year or so, off and on. Finally after enough pep talks, he came around.

And good luck, GB. Hang in there. It'll be difficult at times, but keep the end goal of happiness (yours, your child's and even your ex's) in mind and you'll be fine.

 
Nathan R. Jessep said:
GM and bakes with good advice. Only thing I'd add is to be prepared for your child to think she's responsible for Mommy and Daddy splitting up. For me, that was probably the hardest part to manage with my son. He was 6 at the time, and that struggle continued for a year or so, off and on. Finally after enough pep talks, he came around.

And good luck, GB. Hang in there. It'll be difficult at times, but keep the end goal of happiness (yours, your child's and even your ex's) in mind and you'll be fine.
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YepWas reading to see if this was missed.

In your talk just assure her several times all the fighting and you getting a new house is not her fault. ...Will....it's not her fault Will..!!!!!

 
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back in the day, men would go out to buy some smokes and just never return. Really that's the easiest thing to do, avoids having to talk about it.

 
Voted other:

"I'm too immature and selfish to make my marriage work, so I'm taking the easy way out. Things will be different and you'll likely be worse off, but I'm not man enough to do anything about it. Glllll peas."

Or something like that. You get the gist.

 
Mr. Soup Nazi said:
Voted other:

"I'm too immature and selfish to make my marriage work, so I'm taking the easy way out. Things will be different and you'll likely be worse off, but I'm not man enough to do anything about it. Glllll peas."

Or something like that. You get the gist.
Click to expand...
So being raised by two parants who've grown apart is better? We don't talk, when we do it's smart comments and one-upping each other. I disagree with you on this topic but your soup is still delicious.

 
Mr. Soup Nazi said:
Voted other:

"I'm too immature and selfish to make my marriage work, so I'm taking the easy way out. Things will be different and you'll likely be worse off, but I'm not man enough to do anything about it. Glllll peas."

Or something like that. You get the gist.
Click to expand...
Kicking a guy when they are down is pretty low. You must be a pretty miserable person if you get off on that kind of stuff. GL with all of your problems.

 
Arizona Ron said:
Mr. Soup Nazi said:
Voted other:

"I'm too immature and selfish to make my marriage work, so I'm taking the easy way out. Things will be different and you'll likely be worse off, but I'm not man enough to do anything about it. Glllll peas."

Or something like that. You get the gist.
Click to expand...
So being raised by two parants who've grown apart is better? We don't talk, when we do it's smart comments and one-upping each other. I disagree with you on this topic but your soup is still delicious.
Click to expand...
Yeah, his post is stupid.

 
GL with it all Ron.

My daughter had a good friend that was used as a pawn after her parents got divorced as a kid. Most messed up adult I've ever seen. Super needy ##### resulted as an adult. Don't do that.

Each parent tried to one-up the other all the time.... You spent $200 on her BDay? Well I'm going to spend $400. Keep it real....

 
Geez, I was going to make a snarky comment but after reading the thread I just can't come up with one. Sorry, Ron. I have the feeling it will work out in the end, though, and you'll all be better off a year or two from now.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Arizona Ron said:
Divorce - What do/did you tell your kids?

So, I'm moving out of my house and leaving my wife and kid behind. I'm not moving far (30mins or so), close enough to visit several times a week.

I'm thinking about what to tell my daughter. My daughter is 8 btw.

I know kids aren't stupid, so being straight up seems like the best method. I do travel a lot and could simply say I'm working during the week and see her every weekend.
Click to expand...
My kids were ages 5-8 when I moved out. All I said was mommy and I still love each other but we just can't live together. Something along those lines. And that's largely true... I will always love the mother of my children, just not in a romantic way. The kids saw the arguments, etc... but it's a tough nut for everyone to swallow.
 
Arizona Ron said:
Mr. Soup Nazi said:
Voted other:

"I'm too immature and selfish to make my marriage work, so I'm taking the easy way out. Things will be different and you'll likely be worse off, but I'm not man enough to do anything about it. Glllll peas."

Or something like that. You get the gist.
Click to expand...
So being raised by two parants who've grown apart is better? We don't talk, when we do it's smart comments and one-upping each other. I disagree with you on this topic but your soup is still delicious.
Click to expand...
You've been open with your extra-marital affairs in the past, so I'm curious...did she grow to resent you for that? Or is the snarky comments what lead to it?

 
Sorry to hear about this ron. I think the tone of, or lack there of, this year gave us the heads up. Sounds like you all have finances completely seperate so why not get the divorce? Assume you must have a good prenup so just rip the bandaid off. No kids here so no mutch to add.

 
Capella said:
Arizona Ron said:
Mr. Soup Nazi said:
Voted other:

"I'm too immature and selfish to make my marriage work, so I'm taking the easy way out. Things will be different and you'll likely be worse off, but I'm not man enough to do anything about it. Glllll peas."

Or something like that. You get the gist.
Click to expand...
So being raised by two parants who've grown apart is better? We don't talk, when we do it's smart comments and one-upping each other. I disagree with you on this topic but your soup is still delicious.
Click to expand...
You've been open with your extra-marital affairs in the past, so I'm curious...did she grow to resent you for that? Or is the snarky comments what lead to it?
Click to expand...
Not snarky at all and a far question all things considered. I've always been open with everything. This really had nothing to do with our "style" of marriage (I think), it had more to do with our individual quirks which we both found cute/interesting 10 years ago to now just annoying.

It's like dating someone with a weird laugh that you find cute but becomes annoying over time.

We've both come to the point where we went from laughing at each other's idiosyncrasies to being annoyed by them then trying to change them. My wife is extreamly unorganized and doesn't listen before responding (e.g. several times even during counseling, the shrink would ask a, "is it this or that question" and she just says yes and talks through it). I, on the other hand, take the time listen to exactly what people say and respond directly on topic - she takes this as me "twisting her words".

I'm an organization and planning freak. We've gotten to airports and she's forgotten her passport more than once; I've brought her to tears trying to plan out the logistics of my daughter's birthday party.

Again, these are things in the early years, I would just say, "don't worry I'll figure it out" to now I'm just sick of being brought mundane problems on a daily basis. She on the other hand gets pissed when I ask the "how" to anything.

I might be a little OCD at times; I need things to be in the same place. She drops things then has no problem spending hours trying to find them. She lost her keys once...for days; I found them on top of the fridge days later when I had to reorganize the kitchen after being on travel for weeks. She said, "oh I must have set them up there when I push stuff away" and just shrugs it off.

I know this sounds like stupid stuff but it's worn on both of us after 10 years to the point we ##### to each other daily abut it.

She's not going to change and neither am I.

This has been exacerbated by us allowing other people I our lives. I can detail some is those later, game is on now.

 
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