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Extended family funerals: do you attend from long distance no matter w (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Zow
- Start date
Apple Jack
Footballguy
Especially appreciate the calling her children while they're grieving and fishing for them to ease your conscience over blowing it off.
Pipes
Footballguy
I'm sure your children would appreciate if they came.tommyGunZ said:Guess I'm insensitive. But I certainly hope my grandkids do not drop everything they are doing, screw up their work week, vacation plans, and savings accts just so they can fly across the country for a 1 hour funeral service.Apple Jack said:
tommyGunZ
Footballguy
Perhaps. If they're working in Florida (I'm in Cali), and I'd seen them a few months prior, I hope they wouldn't expect their children to fly their families across country for something like this. Funerals suck.I'm sure your children would appreciate if they came.tommyGunZ said:Guess I'm insensitive. But I certainly hope my grandkids do not drop everything they are doing, screw up their work week, vacation plans, and savings accts just so they can fly across the country for a 1 hour funeral service.Apple Jack said:
RnR
Footballguy
xulf
Footballguy
Stop justifying. You will hate yourself if you don't go. Stop blaming money. You aren't on food stamps. Don't hate yourself later and if you don't go you will always regret it...no matter what you tell yourself.
Stop being a selfish ##### for ten seconds. I'm not trying to be a ####, and I am sorry for your loss, but there is no way to justify not going...no way.
Stop being a selfish ##### for ten seconds. I'm not trying to be a ####, and I am sorry for your loss, but there is no way to justify not going...no way.
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
I think you will regret the rest of your life not going. I speak from experience.
rodg12
Footballguy
What if you go before your wife? Wouldn't you want your kids and grandkids to be there for her?Perhaps. If they're working in Florida (I'm in Cali), and I'd seen them a few months prior, I hope they wouldn't expect their children to fly their families across country for something like this. Funerals suck.I'm sure your children would appreciate if they came.tommyGunZ said:Guess I'm insensitive. But I certainly hope my grandkids do not drop everything they are doing, screw up their work week, vacation plans, and savings accts just so they can fly across the country for a 1 hour funeral service.Apple Jack said:
seahawk 17
Footballguy
Is it possible that you go, and the wife stays home?
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss.
LinusMarr
Footballguy
LinusMarr
Footballguy
Zow
Footballguy
I'll hit you up for a ride from the airport.
Mister Martie
Footballguy
Fennis
Footballguy
20 years from now, when you look back at this time in your life, you'll regret not listening to me.
NutterButter
Footballguy
Others have mentioned it, but if you weren't close to your grandmother, you're not going for you (weren't ever really close anyway), and you're not going for her (she's dead...not gonna be there anyway). You're going for your parent who lost his/her mom.
I basically was half-raised by my Dad's parents and youngest brother (my uncle)...who lived next door to us on a 240-acre farm. My Dad couldn't give two ####s about me growing up, so the three of them were "dad" to me. When my grandparents died, I could have been on the International Space Station, and I would have figured out a way to be at those funerals. For me, for my aunt and uncles, as a show of love/respect, et al.
My mom's parents? I saw them maybe twice per year. Had a good relationship with my grandfather (who passed away from cancer while I was in college), but my grandmother was a hard woman. Uber-religious (and not in a good way), racist (wouldn't put out pictures of some of my cousins...who were 1/4 Japanese, 1/4 Hawaiian), and a bully. When she died? I think literally about 15-20 people went to the funeral. The saddest funeral I've ever been to, for the fact that not many people were really that sad. But that was my mom's mom, and she was broken up about it. So I made sure I was there for my mom. Was there to be with her as she and her sisters had to go through the house and clean up the estate. Etc. Me? I could have not gone and not missed a beat in life. But the guilt and sadness of not being there for my mom in a time when she needed to draw on the strength and support of others around her would have been like an anchor on my mind and heart had I not been there. And being there was a chance to see some other relatives I hadn't seen in years...so that was a positive.
Anyway, you're not going for your grandmother or for yourself. If that makes any sense.
I basically was half-raised by my Dad's parents and youngest brother (my uncle)...who lived next door to us on a 240-acre farm. My Dad couldn't give two ####s about me growing up, so the three of them were "dad" to me. When my grandparents died, I could have been on the International Space Station, and I would have figured out a way to be at those funerals. For me, for my aunt and uncles, as a show of love/respect, et al.
My mom's parents? I saw them maybe twice per year. Had a good relationship with my grandfather (who passed away from cancer while I was in college), but my grandmother was a hard woman. Uber-religious (and not in a good way), racist (wouldn't put out pictures of some of my cousins...who were 1/4 Japanese, 1/4 Hawaiian), and a bully. When she died? I think literally about 15-20 people went to the funeral. The saddest funeral I've ever been to, for the fact that not many people were really that sad. But that was my mom's mom, and she was broken up about it. So I made sure I was there for my mom. Was there to be with her as she and her sisters had to go through the house and clean up the estate. Etc. Me? I could have not gone and not missed a beat in life. But the guilt and sadness of not being there for my mom in a time when she needed to draw on the strength and support of others around her would have been like an anchor on my mind and heart had I not been there. And being there was a chance to see some other relatives I hadn't seen in years...so that was a positive.
Anyway, you're not going for your grandmother or for yourself. If that makes any sense.
tommyGunZ
Footballguy
Agree with most of this. If Woz's dad needs him there, it's a no brainer. If not, and being at the funeral is strictly for appearances, it's a waste of time.
Both sets of grandparents in my family are gone and I didn't go to any of their funerals. One died when I was a small child and only my parents went. One died when I was in college, and the other two after that. I'm 39 years old and I've never been to a funeral. I don't regret not going to any of the ones I 'missed'. Apparently I'm a sociopathic monster.tommyGunZ said:
NutterButter
Footballguy
Not sure why you'd take it there...as there could be 1,000 good reasons why you've never been to a funeral. That said, it does seem a bit strange that you've never been to a funeral. You've had to have a lot of older relatives (not just grandparents) pass away over the years. Not to mention family friends, or maybe even classmates. I'm 42, and I lost 2-3 classmates in high school (alcohol), and probably another 3-4 since graduation (cancer or other illnesses). Have two good friends fighting cancer right now...and I hope I don't end up having 1-2 more funerals to go to in 2014. I also lost my youngest cousin to a drunk driver 7-8 years ago too. Just seems kind of unusual that you'd be pushing 40 and have never been to a funeral. But who am I (any of us) to judge?!
Fennis
Footballguy
it seems like you might be a jinxNot sure why you'd take it there...as there could be 1,000 good reasons why you've never been to a funeral. That said, it does seem a bit strange that you've never been to a funeral. You've had to have a lot of older relatives (not just grandparents) pass away over the years. Not to mention family friends, or maybe even classmates. I'm 42, and I lost 2-3 classmates in high school (alcohol), and probably another 3-4 since graduation (cancer or other illnesses). Have two good friends fighting cancer right now...and I hope I don't end up having 1-2 more funerals to go to in 2014. I also lost my youngest cousin to a drunk driver 7-8 years ago too. Just seems kind of unusual that you'd be pushing 40 and have never been to a funeral. But who am I (any of us) to judge?!
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parasaurolophus
Footballguy
tommyGunZ said:
I can't even fathom being upset that I missed a funeral, unless I skipped it for some stupid reason like I had just had a fight with the person. I can't imagine being upset that somebody else missed a funeral, unless it was because they went to a movie or something.
If I had to put the cost of attending her funeral on a credit card, my frugal Grandma would have been mad at me for attending. I would have received a lengthy lecture about it.
Franknbeans
Footballguy
glad to hear you're going. Face it, posting this thread was a way for you to get some sort of validation that not going was maybe OK when deep down, you know it is the right thing to do regardless of the circumstances it inflicts on you.
Nope, no other older relatives (yet). All my aunts and uncles and cousins are still alive, as well as both parents of mine and my wife's. No classmates, at least none that I keep in contact with to be aware of their deaths.Not sure why you'd take it there...as there could be 1,000 good reasons why you've never been to a funeral. That said, it does seem a bit strange that you've never been to a funeral. You've had to have a lot of older relatives (not just grandparents) pass away over the years. Not to mention family friends, or maybe even classmates. I'm 42, and I lost 2-3 classmates in high school (alcohol), and probably another 3-4 since graduation (cancer or other illnesses). Have two good friends fighting cancer right now...and I hope I don't end up having 1-2 more funerals to go to in 2014. I also lost my youngest cousin to a drunk driver 7-8 years ago too. Just seems kind of unusual that you'd be pushing 40 and have never been to a funeral. But who am I (any of us) to judge?!
Maybe I'm just lucky in that regard.
the moops
Footballguy
its been said like 30 times in this thread but...you don't go to a funeral for the dead grandmother. you go cause your dad lost his momtommyGunZ said:
If I had to put the cost of attending her funeral on a credit card, my frugal Grandma would have been mad at me for attending. I would have received a lengthy lecture about it.
ConnSKINS26
Footballguy
I don't think you'll have to worry about this.Guess I'm insensitive. But I certainly hope my grandkids do not drop everything they are doing, screw up their work week, vacation plans, and savings accts just so they can fly across the country for a 1 hour funeral service.
Lutherman2112
Footballguy
opensourcebeer
Footballguy
Sorry for your loss.
Work is a piss poor excuse to not take care of family matters. If your extended family means something to you, this is a must go.
Work is a piss poor excuse to not take care of family matters. If your extended family means something to you, this is a must go.
Zow
Footballguy
Hint: over the top hyperbole is far more fun than admitting the majority of posters in the thread were right.
Zow
Footballguy
Yeah this was essentially it. Since I started this thread I made two phone calls. Called my uncle to get info on wedding and get his thoughts. He's a practical guy and easy to talk to. He suggested foregoing the fall trip to come out. I then talked to my dad and tried to get some emotion from him (this is very difficult). Did the whole skype thing. It became abundantly clear it'll help him that I'm there.its been said like 30 times in this thread but...you don't go to a funeral for the dead grandmother. you go cause your dad lost his momtommyGunZ said:
If I had to put the cost of attending her funeral on a credit card, my frugal Grandma would have been mad at me for attending. I would have received a lengthy lecture about it.
So here in McCarrran I sit.
Good man. I know (from what you've told us) it's hard...probably a bit with money, workload, and a bunch of other things. But being there for your Dad is the right thing to do...and years after you've long gotten past whatever temporary money/work issues you'll have to deal with, you'll be able to know that you were there for him in his time of need.Yeah this was essentially it. Since I started this thread I made two phone calls. Called my uncle to get info on wedding and get his thoughts. He's a practical guy and easy to talk to. He suggested foregoing the fall trip to come out. I then talked to my dad and tried to get some emotion from him (this is very difficult). Did the whole skype thing. It became abundantly clear it'll help him that I'm there.its been said like 30 times in this thread but...you don't go to a funeral for the dead grandmother. you go cause your dad lost his momtommyGunZ said:
If I had to put the cost of attending her funeral on a credit card, my frugal Grandma would have been mad at me for attending. I would have received a lengthy lecture about it.
So here in McCarrran I sit.
TLEF316
Footballguy
I skipped my grandmother's funeral like 6 years ago. One day, she was dancing around at my dad's wedding (parents are divorced. He married his longtime girlfriend), 5 days later she had a massive stroke. I went to visit her in the hospital on a Friday afternoon and my dad and his siblings told me that all they were doing at this point was making her comfortable. We were all basically there to say our goodbyes.
I was supposed to leave for a vacation the next day. I was a total wreck after seeing her in the hospital (totally incapacitated, tubes everywhere. It was really tough to take). I knew she would almost certainly pass away within the next week and I decided I was going to skip my vacation. I didn't think I'd have any fun sitting around at the beach waiting for the phone to ring, followed by the 8 hour drive back for the funeral.
My dad told me there was no way he was going to let me do that. Told me that everyone would understand and that my grandmother wouldn't want me sitting around miserable waiting for her to die. He told me to go on my vacation and have a good time, so after like a day of thinking about it, that's what I did. There were plenty of other people around (my dad, his siblings, my brothers, cousins, etc) and he didn't need me.
She passed away that Wednesday and I missed the funeral. I wasn't the only one (my cousin, who was EXTREMELY close with her, had flown in to see her on monday and flown back to California that night) and everyone understood. They had seen me at my Grandpa's funeral a few years prior (when I was pretty much a total wreck...again. I'm kinda bad at funerals) and they knew that I wasn't just blowing it off.
I guess the point of the story is that its really going to depend on the situation. I don't have any guilt over missing the funeral, but I guess if I had skipped it under different circumstances (or hadn't seen her prior to it) I might feel differently.
I was supposed to leave for a vacation the next day. I was a total wreck after seeing her in the hospital (totally incapacitated, tubes everywhere. It was really tough to take). I knew she would almost certainly pass away within the next week and I decided I was going to skip my vacation. I didn't think I'd have any fun sitting around at the beach waiting for the phone to ring, followed by the 8 hour drive back for the funeral.
My dad told me there was no way he was going to let me do that. Told me that everyone would understand and that my grandmother wouldn't want me sitting around miserable waiting for her to die. He told me to go on my vacation and have a good time, so after like a day of thinking about it, that's what I did. There were plenty of other people around (my dad, his siblings, my brothers, cousins, etc) and he didn't need me.
She passed away that Wednesday and I missed the funeral. I wasn't the only one (my cousin, who was EXTREMELY close with her, had flown in to see her on monday and flown back to California that night) and everyone understood. They had seen me at my Grandpa's funeral a few years prior (when I was pretty much a total wreck...again. I'm kinda bad at funerals) and they knew that I wasn't just blowing it off.
I guess the point of the story is that its really going to depend on the situation. I don't have any guilt over missing the funeral, but I guess if I had skipped it under different circumstances (or hadn't seen her prior to it) I might feel differently.
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parasaurolophus
Footballguy
You sure you replied to the right post?its been said like 30 times in this thread but...you don't go to a funeral for the dead grandmother. you go cause your dad lost his momtommyGunZ said:
If I had to put the cost of attending her funeral on a credit card, my frugal Grandma would have been mad at me for attending. I would have received a lengthy lecture about it.
Ned Ryerson
Footballguy
Just curious, you have 2 grandparents that died after you graduated college, why did you not go to their funerals?
the moops
Footballguy
technically grandparents are extended I think. isn't immediate parents children and siblings only?
It's been a while so I don't remember exactly. I think my parents' opinion was that I didn't need to go. I think their feeling was why fly all the way across the country for a one-hour service? I certainly wasn't going to argue.
Apple Jack
Footballguy
Airlines consider grandparents immediate family for the purpose of bereavement fares.
Zow
Footballguy
Got in 30 minutes early. But if it makes you feel better I got kneed in the back the entire way.
