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Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

My kids recently discovered whisper mode on Alexa. So my youngest will come and whisper stuff at times and see if we understand.

My wife told my 4 year old a message to give to me so she came to me on the couch and asked if she could whisper in my ear.  I said sure.

Her (whispering): "Sampson has to go potty" (one of our dogs)

Me: "Santa hates karate?"

Her: (starts giggling and laughing hysterically): No! Sampson has to go potty.....

(and then in a very serious tone) "But Santa does hate karate".

And walks off.

 
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Mrs. Kanil, Kaniljr (8yo), and I went skiing today.  My wife likes to listen to music while she skis and had her "Ski" playlist going.

At the end of the day, we get into the car and her phone starts automatically playing the playlist.  At one point "Hooker with a Penis" by Tool comes on.  My wife and I quickly change it before Kaniljr can see the name, or so we thought.  Right after we locked eyes in a, "that was a close one" stare....

Kaniljr: *giggle*

Mrskanil: Guess we didn't catch that one in time, haha.

Me: hah, guess not. 

*5 second passes*

Kaniljr: What's a hooker?

Me: Something you're not old enough to know. 

MrsKanil (to me): I don't even know Howe to explain that to him.  There's a lot of things we have to teach him about before we can even come close to answering that one.   That's like 5 layers deep in the onion. 

Kaniljr: What layer am I on? 

Mrskanil: your onion is still in the produce section. 

Me: 😂🤣

 
KarmaPolice said:
A couple jems from the 4 year old this week:

1.  We pick up her 13 year old brother (for whatever reason, she has resorted to calling him "bro" or even more recently, "brah") from basketball.  I wasn't paying attention, but I hear this exasperated sigh and hear "let me roll this window down" followed by her yelling out the window (it was about 20 degrees) -- "bro, why don't you have any pants on??!!"   I just about pissed myself.  The tone of the sigh was very much like "let me roll down this window and holla at this mofo".  

2.   At her daycare, they have a letter of the week, so we have been treated to "A is for Apple" and "C is for Cookie" pictures that they have sent home of drawings, stickers, etc.   Today, I open up her take home folder and I am treated to THIS jem.  
Click to expand...
https://toofab.com/2019/12/13/thousands-of-10-inch-throbbing-penis-fish-wash-up-on-californian-shore/

 
My boys go by their middle names, which makes it hard to “middle name” them when they are in trouble. So I will reverse order their names for fullest impact possible but it just sounds silly. Yesterday I told #10 (5yo today!):

middle name first name, please clear your breakfast dishes. 

He replies: “clown car mommy, you do it for me!”

 
Mr. Ham said:
Driving in car with wife and kids. Daughter, 4, toots. Wife enquires if that was a toot or a poop. Daughter says toot.

Minute later, 9 year old says, “Hey dad, want to know the first and second difference between a toot and a poop?”

”What’s that, son?”

”I don’t know, but I can tell you the turd.”
Click to expand...
This kid is going places.

 
Went to a family Bday party over the weekend.  It's my side of the family, which offers nothing for my kids (11, 14, 16).  No cousins their age.  Only grown ups, with a few baby/toddlers thrown in.  With that in mind, that means no xbox or playstation.  No wiffleball, no football.  These kids are extremely bored and unhappy.  We go maybe twice a year to see my family, and it is a pain to get them to go. This time we did not tell them where we were going until we were on the road.  It was a very quiet ride there.  We pull up in front of the house and my wife goes into typical mom mode on the kids...

Mama Peak: Ok.  So we're going to see Dad's family.  I know you're going to be bored, but mind your manners.  Older Peak, put down your phone and talk to someone.  Middle Peak, don't be obnoxious and hang around the food.  Little Peak, no running around chasing the toddlers and scaring them.

Older Peak (16): How long are we staying?  Will we really be here for 3 hours?!

Middle Peak (14): What?!?  This is going to be sooo boring.  What do you expect us to do for 3 hours?!?

Little Peak (11):  Smile and wave boys....smile and wave.

The car fell silent as my wife just stared at Little Peak.  I lost it and tried to contain myself.  The other two saw me and picked up on it, but my wife was straight up confused.

With all of us but my wife laughing now, my wife tried to keep her rules enforced.

Mama Peak: Yes...smile and wave and we'll all get along just fine.

Needless to say, the kids walked into the house singing..."I like to move it move it...."   :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 
This one had 4 grown adults laughing today. Not my kid, but my kid is in the story. 

We are at the park and there is a disturbance between four kids. 2 boys (6&7yo), 2 girls (7&8yo). The 7yo girl is mine. The 7yo boy is telling us why he twisted the fingers of the 8yo girl.
 

He says my daughter attacked him. It is not like her to be aggressive so I asked specifically what she did. He said she tackled him to the ground. I said then why did you twist the other girls fingers? He said “because when Petra tackled me I realized I liked it and was trying to get her to do it again but Anna wouldn’t get out of the way”

We all tried so hard to cover our laughing. We all failed. 

 
Years ago my then 8 yo son, 10 yo daughter, wife, and I are watching tv one night.  Wife is also folding clothes and says to me that I need to get some new underwear because there were some holes in a couple pair.  Next morning wife is driving the kids to school and son announces "I have been thinking about the holes in Dad's underwear...I think he is having sex at the office".

 
We live several hours away from one half of my family, but we drove up to see them last weekend for a baby shower for one of my cousins.  My daughter (4) hasn't seen any of these people since she was 2, and so I highly doubted that she'd remember anyone at all.  We had a talk on the ride there about who she would see, their names, and that we would be with her (wouldn't just leave her in a house full of "strangers").  We explain that it's a party for Michelle, and she's going to have a baby girl. 

Daughter walks in holding my hand.  Immediately I spot Michelle, so I tell her "there's Michelle, this is her party" and she's obv. preggo (tiny girl, looked ready to pop).  Daughter lets go of my hand, marches right up to Michelle, throws up two finger guns at her belly and says "What's up, Buttercup! Good luck with that baby!" 

 
Wednesday we were coming home from the water park, let the 3 boys pick out a stuffed animal.  6 year old picks a lobster and the older two 7 and 11 both picked the same octopus 

the kids like to name them and the little one named the lobster something (I don’t recall) and the older two were still undecided 

me trying to be funny “how about Octo and #####...like the James Bond movie”

8 year old:  11 year old should name his ##### since he’s whining all the time 

wife and I lost it laughing 

 
12yo floppinho is a smart dude. But also a complete moron who seems to thrive on malaprops.

"What does the expression, greater of two evils mean? Seems weird."

 
So the kid and I often play the license plate game in the car.  We just spent a week in Minn (we're from CA) so Minn plates didnt count.  A few days in, she decided Wisconsin plates didn't count since we were so close to that state.

We are back in CA and she says "next time we go somewhere we should take a CA plate with us so anytime we need one, we can just take it out and call CA"

I said "That seems like cheating"

Her response: "It seems like it its cheating, but it is"

Her delivery was spot on and I just couldn't stop laughing.

 
Playing Candyland with my 4 y.o. daughter last night. I’ve never been the “let your kid win” type.  In my mind the goal was to teach sportsmanship/how to lose, but the effect it’s actually giving is that it makes her more competitive than her normal demeanor. 

We’re neck and neck along the track, and I roll the dice and advance to the next to last square on the board. She needs to roll a 6 to land at the end, anything less and I’ll win on my next roll. 

She counts the spaces left, scoops up the dice, shakes them up, and announces “come on six, mama needs a new pair of shoes!”  
:rolls the dice:

”BOOM, SIX!  :throws a finger in my face:  GET ROASTED!!!”

 
wlwiles said:
Playing Candyland with my 4 y.o. daughter last night. I’ve never been the “let your kid win” type.  In my mind the goal was to teach sportsmanship/how to lose, but the effect it’s actually giving is that it makes her more competitive than her normal demeanor. 

We’re neck and neck along the track, and I roll the dice and advance to the next to last square on the board. She needs to roll a 6 to land at the end, anything less and I’ll win on my next roll. 

She counts the spaces left, scoops up the dice, shakes them up, and announces “come on six, mama needs a new pair of shoes!”  
:rolls the dice:

”BOOM, SIX!  :throws a finger in my face:  GET ROASTED!!!”
Click to expand...
What sort of abomination is Candyland with dice? It's cards with colors on them, the rare double color and the excitement of the Gumdrop Pass.

 
Gawain said:
What sort of abomination is Candyland with dice? It's cards with colors on them, the rare double color and the excitement of the Gumdrop Pass.
Click to expand...
Lol, a board game connoisseur I see. 

It’s Disney Princess themed Candyland, and we had the color cards rubber banded but left them at grandmas house during an overnight stay, so I stole one of the dice (die?) from another game. She actually prefers it this way now because there’s too many double color cards in this one, the game lasts longer with a single dice. 

 
wlwiles said:
Lol, a board game connoisseur I see. 

It’s Disney Princess themed Candyland, and we had the color cards rubber banded but left them at grandmas house during an overnight stay, so I stole one of the dice (die?) from another game. She actually prefers it this way now because there’s too many double color cards in this one, the game lasts longer with a single dice. 
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I have a daughter that's going to be 4 next month. I know my way around a Candyland board.

A Candyland board is 134 squares long. Using a single die, your expected squares per turn are 3.5. Your average game would last 38.3 turns. Now, if you were using the color cards and the Disney themed game has the same setup as a Regulation Candyland Board, the median game is won in 23 turns (46 cards). However, you will never experience the wonder of an interminable Candyland game that sends both players back to Mr. Mint. One out of a thousand Candyland games can last more than 102 turns.

Candyland Strategy and Analysis

 
Mr. Ham said:
Started letting my almost 10 year old play Fortnight.

He’s a seriously brilliant kid, and really good at video games,

Within a week, in maybe 3 hours of game play, he’s won multiple 100 person battle royales.

So I walk in and watch him stalking this computer controlled character named Midas. I don’t know this at the time, but he’s surrounded by a bunch of henchmen and my son figured out how to disguise himself as a henchman.

He’s stalking this Midas guy and I ask what he’s doing. He tells me he wants to kill this Midas and get his gun and keycard. He then tells me he’s trying to patiently lure him into a room alone. Seeing he’s got a gun on the guy three feet away, I ask why he doesn’t shoot him now. (Apparently the henchman would have gotten him.)

Son rolls his eyes at me. “Dad, haven’t you ever plotted a murder?”
Click to expand...
A single reaction isn't good enough for this kind of post.   Went with  🤣  but really also reacted equally with  :o  , 🤔 , and   :scared:

 
#11 (4yo,boy) has been on a tare today. I sat him down and said “you’ve gotten into everything today. You stole the cookies, poured out all the buttermilk, ate 8’s goldfish, peed in the laundry basket, tore up 9’s necklaces, poured salt on the cake”.
 

He said “you forgot Isaac’s boots”

But bless his heart he never lies. He goes “oh yeah I did that. Sorry”

 
This one happened about a year ago. 9yo boy and 7yo girl. We were finishing up dinner and were out of biscuits so I was preparing to make toast for our bread for the evening.

I asked both of them if they would like some toast. 9yo boy says "Yes" as he loves him some toast with honey. 7yo girl asks if she could have the toast but not have it "cooked".

9yo says "Ugh, gross, who would want raw toast that would be nasty!"

My wife and I both just kind of looked at each other and I said, "You mean like bread? Just bread would be nasty?"

He realized what he had just said and we haven't ever let him live it down.

 
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My 17yo son (#4 if you keep track at home) said this when we were discussing why we were being careful to abide by social distancing and staying home. I said I agree that the kids will likely be fine if they get it but that his dad and I could need hospital care because we are 50 and fat.

He said “yeah, dad might but you won’t”. 

It’s the nicest thing he’s said to me in a year. 

 
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Gawain said:
I have a daughter that's going to be 4 next month. I know my way around a Candyland board.

A Candyland board is 134 squares long. Using a single die, your expected squares per turn are 3.5. Your average game would last 38.3 turns. Now, if you were using the color cards and the Disney themed game has the same setup as a Regulation Candyland Board, the median game is won in 23 turns (46 cards). However, you will never experience the wonder of an interminable Candyland game that sends both players back to Mr. Mint. One out of a thousand Candyland games can last more than 102 turns.

Candyland Strategy and Analysis
Click to expand...
@hagmania

 
My nephews dog had puppies this morning. My daughter (5) is FaceTiming him (her cousin) after dinner this evening to see the pups, and we hear them crying a bit in the background.  

Daughter: Why are they crying?

My wife: They’re babies, they cry just like human babies do

Me from across the room: They’re looking for the teat!

Daughter: Mama what’s a teat?

Wife: It’s the mama’s boobie, it gives the puppies milk, just like I gave you milk when you were a baby

Daughter pauses, I can see the wheels turning, then she says: Hey puppies! Bon appe-teat!

 
We have a 1 year old dog that has a lot of energy.  With all of us at home, he's constantly wanting attention of some sort.  My wife was getting a little annoyed with him when I had to run out and pickup my nephew from his essential worker job (Qdoba).  As I was putting my shoes on, my wife says "take the butthole with you" (meaning the dog) but I, as any real dad worth his salt would do, look at my son and say, "You heard her, lets go".  He gives a "haha" and then we leave to get in the car.  As we're getting into the car, I ask him to go get the dog.  Conversation starts from there:

Me: Can you open the gate for Pax?

Him: Why?

Me: So he can come with us.

Him: Why are we taking him?

Me: You heard mom, we need to get him out of the house and take him with us.

Him: I didn't hear that.

Me: Wait, that's who mom was talking about when she said to take the butthole with us.  You didn't think she was really calling you the butthole, right?

Him: Well, I have been pretty annoying today.

Maybe it's not as funny now but I lost it and had to take a minute before responding.

 
Kids are getting buggy...and spazzing out a little now after dinner. 12yo floppinho is singing some Billie eilish tune, intentionally going out of tune (think Bobby Brady singing).

I hear 8yo floppinha ask from the other room in full earnestness ...mom- can I punch floppinho in the stomach?

 
A friend of mine died and I was taking a dinner to her family. She left a husband and five kids (17-10ish). I was getting their dinner and our dinner prepared together, then separated theirs out. 1 jar if apple sauce (I kept 2), 1/3 of the green beans and chicken for them, 2/3 for us, 1/3 of the brownies for them, 2/3 for us. #10 (5yo) says “why are you giving them all our food?!”

 
My 17yr old has always been a very good kid. Very little trouble or drama. She's very self-sufficient, and for the most part requires very little prodding on my part to get things done. She's had a job (her first) at Publix for the past few months, and has been great with being responsible as far as being motivated, working hard and getting to work on time every day. Exchange this morning as she was leaving at about 0730:

Me: Hey- I just want you to know I'm really proud of you.

Her: :oldunsure:  For what?

Me: For being self-sufficient and responsible, and for just being a really good kid.

Her: Are you dying?

 
Walking Boot said:
Sorry for your loss. And sympathy for the family. But your friend had 5 kids in 7 years? Were you both in the same cult? 
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Sort of. Just your basic homeschool moms in north Florida. I could be wrong about the exact ages of her kids but her oldest was about the same as my #4 and her youngest were older than my youngests. 

 
Daughter (age 3) and son tell us they are tired of staying  in and want to check out a local site. We have a place called Tiny Town which is a miniature village that has about 100 1/6 size buildings for kids to wander through. (Picture Godzilla walking through cities in the movies and you'll get an idea of the relative size.)  So we tell them "Okay, we're going to see Tiny Town." 

Daughter looks confused and says: "Really? Tiny-tanic?!?  I thought that sank."

 
Clown Car said:
The answer is #11 is 4yo and seems to be the last. All 11 are our natural born children of our single marriage. No multiples. I’m 50. The oldest is 24. 6 boys, 5 girls. Not catholic or Mormon. Have tv. 
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As Bobby Baccalieri said of Carrado Sporano, “I’m in awre of you.”

:tebow:

 
FTR I have a set: 21 y.o. son (graduating in a few weeks from Michigan Tech) and his 11 y.o. sister.

Upon learning I tested positive positive for antibodies, the eldest said “That’s great! It’s still not OK for you to kiss me. Especially in public.” The younger one overheard him & without looking up from her iPad deadpanned slowly “What. He. Said.”

 
we were playing a family version of Trivial Pursuit last night- two sets of cards so that kids and grownups can play together.

8yo floppinha gets the following question:

True or False- Bamboo is a standard part of a giant Panda's diet.

Floppinha- (thinking it out)... well, it's gotta be false, right?

the three of us- :confused:  (she was obsessed with pandas for years)

Floppinha- if the panda's on a diet, it's not going to eat its normal food. (seeing our responses) wait... right? I don't even know what panda diet food would be?!

 
Getzlaf15 said:
Granddaughter will be three next month.

Has a small accident trying to poop on the toilet.

Little ball of poop rolls onto floor.

My wife goes in, picks it up and flushes it down toilet.

Kayla:  "Bye, bye poop.  I love you!"
Click to expand...
Kayla back at it today.  This kid is comedy.

So she's in the kitchen while dinner is being cooked, and grabs the pot holder.  She's flapping it open and shut and pretending to be a shark.

Instead of doing the Jaws music, "dunnit...... dunnit, dunnit, dunnit."     She's saying, "Donut.......... Donut, Donut, Donut" as she nips mom in the ###.

 
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