Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

[Clown Car]

My hysterical 5 yo son:

"Ohio. That's how to say hello in Spanish."

 

[SuperJohn96]

Mrs. SJ96 is doing something silly....

SJ96: You're re-tarded.

Peter (2 1/2): Dad...

SJ96: :uhoh: Yeah Peter?

Peter: Mommy's not really tired.

SJ96: No :whew: no she's not buddy.

Peter: I'm not really tired okay?

Mrs. SJ96: You're so lucky...

 

[jhib]

Sometime last month I called my son a Nancy for screaming like a girl about something. He thought it was pretty funny when I explained it to him, but it wasn't brought up again since.

Yesterday, we were playing Rock Hero on the Wii and my daughter chose "ABC" to play. The song started and she asked who sang it. Before I could answer, my son rang in with, "I'm pretty sure it's Nancy."

My wife and daughter:

Me:

 

[BoredStormtrooper]

My 7 year old this morning asked me

"Is Termite Jesus real?"

 

[Lucky Bucky]

5 year old son is playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii while I'm at work. He got stuck on a part and couldn't figure out what he needed to do. He started getting really frustrated and asked my wife for help. She's never played it so she told him she wouldn't really be any help. He throws a complete tantrum so my wife makes him quit the game and sends him to his room to calm down.

10 minutes later he comes back downstairs with big puppy dog eyes and apologizes for throwing a fit. He says that he even wrote her a sorry note. He hands it to her, she thanks him for apologizing, and sends him off to play. She opens the note to find:

Mom,

I am sorry you are no help.

Love, Lucky Bucky Jr.

 

[McJose]

5 year old son is playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii while I'm at work. He got stuck on a part and couldn't figure out what he needed to do. He started getting really frustrated and asked my wife for help. She's never played it so she told him she wouldn't really be any help. He throws a complete tantrum so my wife makes him quit the game and sends him to his room to calm down.10 minutes later he comes back downstairs with big puppy dog eyes and apologizes for throwing a fit. He says that he even wrote her a sorry note. He hands it to her, she thanks him for apologizing, and sends him off to play. She opens the note to find:Mom,I am sorry you are no help.Love, Lucky Bucky Jr.

 

[russinfortworth]

Just purchased a new car. 6YO son is pissed because he "can't sit in" the car (he's still sitting on a booster seat on the back seat). We told him that he's got to weigh 80 lbs before he can get out of it.

So every day since New Year's he's been weighing himself. Gain a pound one day, loss a pound a couple of days later.

Well last night he lost 3 pounds. I asked him if he ate lunch at school (he said not much as he didn't like it). I asked him if he "pooped". He said yes, a couple of times. So I explained to him these were probably the 2 reasons that he lost 3 pounds.

"WELL I'M NEVER POOPING AGAIN, UNTIL I GET TO 80 POUNDS"

 

[Ned]

My brother is bouncing a rubber ball back and forth in the living room with my 3yr old. Brother bounces the ball to him and it pops him right in the crotch. He immediately falls to the ground and yells "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It hit me right in the PEEEEEEEEEEEEENIS"

He jumps back up and goes, "WHEW!" and carries on like nothing ever happened.

 

[The Noid]

When my son started K in September he was telling us about one of his first days and said:

Him: Today we met the Chancellor.

Me: The who?

Him: The Chancellor. Like what Emperor Palpatine used to be.

Me: Do you mean counselor?

Him: Oh, yeah. That was her.

 

[Tybeeman]

I witnessed this exchange between my wife and 5 year old daughter the other night. Quick background of the story. My daughter did not want to finish her dinner. She knows that results in no dessert. But this night she was being extra sassy and pushy about having dessert

Daughter: "Mommy, I really really want dessert"

Wife: "You know the rules, if you don't finish dinner, you get no dessert"

Daughter: "I wish you would just let me have it"

Wife: "I wish my daughter would not be fresh and sassy and eat all her dinner"

Daughter: "Maybe you can wish that on a wishing star tonight"

Of course my daughter had no idea just how sarcastic her comment was, but I thought it was very clever.

 

[McJose]

When my son started K in September he was telling us about one of his first days and said:Him: Today we met the Chancellor.Me: The who?Him: The Chancellor. Like what Emperor Palpatine used to be.Me: Do you mean counselor?Him: Oh, yeah. That was her.

OH COME ON!

 

[The Noid]

When my son started K in September he was telling us about one of his first days and said:

Him: Today we met the Chancellor.

Me: The who?

Him: The Chancellor. Like what Emperor Palpatine used to be.

Me: Do you mean counselor?

Him: Oh, yeah. That was her.

OH COME ON!

He's a rare 1-6'er, not a 4-6, 1-3'er. He started watching them when he was 3 so I began with Episode 1, Jar Jar and all. His favorites are 2, 3 and 5.And he's already training to be a

 

[jdoggydogg]

Two recent quotes:

My son and I are working on a gigantic lego space ship. It's the most time-consuming, detailed ship we've ever built. I said to him the other say, "Isn't this ship sweet?" He replied, "No. It's not very sweet." I said, "Why not? What would make it more sweet?" And he said, "If it could hug and kiss, then it'd be sweet."

My son's friend said this one:

She was describing a funeral for her mom's friend. And when she was trying to describe the coffin, she called it, "Those beds that vampires sleep in."

 

[zoobird]

A friend of ours had a photo of her daughter's latest kindergarten assignment up on Facebook yesterday. There were a series of clues given, and the kids had to spell out the word that they thought the clues were about.

Clues:

-I am black with a white stripe down my middle

-When I get scared, I smell bad

-I am a nocturnal animal

Answer:

s-k-a-n-k

 

[Osaurus]

A friend of ours had a photo of her daughter's latest kindergarten assignment up on Facebook yesterday. There were a series of clues given, and the kids had to spell out the word that they thought the clues were about.Clues:-I am black with a white stripe down my middle-When I get scared, I smell bad-I am a nocturnal animalAnswer:s-k-a-n-k

 

[belljr]

PREFACE: My daughter is 4 and is just starting to play Wii - Loves Wii bowling. My wife's birthday is coming up and just her and I are going out Sunday but on Monday doing a family thing.

Wife: Hey Daughter belljr, Monday we're going to go real bowling. (*only thing we could think of to get out of the house and the whole family could enjoy)

Daughter: Do I have to take my controller?



Wife: No, no we're going to use a real ball you throw with real pins and everything.

Daughter: I know I'll bring my soccer ball!!!!

 

[belljr]

5 year old son is playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii while I'm at work. He got stuck on a part and couldn't figure out what he needed to do. He started getting really frustrated and asked my wife for help. She's never played it so she told him she wouldn't really be any help. He throws a complete tantrum so my wife makes him quit the game and sends him to his room to calm down.10 minutes later he comes back downstairs with big puppy dog eyes and apologizes for throwing a fit. He says that he even wrote her a sorry note. He hands it to her, she thanks him for apologizing, and sends him off to play. She opens the note to find:Mom,I am sorry you are no help.Love, Lucky Bucky Jr.

AWESOME!!

 

[derek245583]

My son cant talk yet, he is only 18 months old. But today, he was wearing his sports shirt (Has a soccer ball, a basketball, a football, etc on it)

My wife was asking him where his eyes were, ears, feet, etc...I chime in like a mature adult and say "Where are your balls?"

My son looks at me and points to his shirt.

Serves me right.

 

[Bodeine]

Years ago, when my friend's daughter was, like, three, my friend absent-mindedly switched off a room light while we were leaving it, talking. Only thing was, her daughter was still in the room playing.

Startled, the young girl called out, "Mommy!'

My friend flicked the light back on, "what is it?"

Young girl: "You give me dark"

 

[John Zaleski]

When our daughter was three, she looked up at her mom and said, "you look familiar".

 

[McJose]

This is a bit weird but it had me rolling. My 15 year old and I were watching TV. We just changed Dish packages so I wa flipping through, checking out the new channels. I stopped at this Christian channel because there was this really low-rent looking 'teen Bible talk' show from the late 90s.

This one All-American looking teenager was reading a passage from the NT. He was reading very quietly and it was hard to figure out what he was saying. My kid says "Thanks, Josh. Why don't you read a little softer....####[richard].

The timing and delivery was perfect.

 

[paz1]

My in-laws were visiting when my 3yo daughter came up with this one:

Both my daughter and her Grandpa were wearing khaki type tan pants.

Daughter: "Grandpa, we have the same pants."

Grandpa: "We sure do...mine are Dockers..."

Daughter looks at her pants, pauses and says

"Mine are lighters!"

 

[The Duff Man]

We moved into a new house this summer and my 4 year old started JK. At New Year Eve she was eating a cupcake for dessert and I asked her, "What was your favorite part of last year?"

Reply, "Making new friends....."

I am thinking...great answer for a 4 year old! Then she continued.

"like my little cupcake"

 

[jhib]

My son cant talk yet, he is only 18 months old. But today, he was wearing his sports shirt (Has a soccer ball, a basketball, a football, etc on it)My wife was asking him where his eyes were, ears, feet, etc...I chime in like a mature adult and say "Where are your balls?"My son looks at me and points to his shirt. Serves me right.

 

[UOFI_316]

My sister sent me this over email.

My BIL and 2 year old nephew were watching the Vikings game on saturday. Nephew is wearing his Favre jersey. He sees Favre also wearing the same jersey points to the TV and says "Mine." BIL says "Yeah, he is wearing the same shirt as you." Nephew responds by walking up to the TV, hitting it and yelling "NO, MINE!!!"

I guess Favre should have taken his jersey off.

 

[Anthony Borbely]

First of all, I love this thread.

Two things immediately come to mind.

When my son was 2, we went to the doctor. His doctor was Asian. He was sitting there staring at the doctor, then he said to the doctor, "What's the matter with your eyes?" I was speechless.

One time we were shopping for furniture and a heavy set man walked past us. My son looked at him and yelled out loudly, "You're fat!!"

 

[walnutz]

Have a couple of new ones from my 3 year old.

The other night I am rocking him before he goes in his bed for the night. We had finished reading the books and he starts snoring. I asked him where he learned to snore. He replies back "That's what mommy does." I told mom and she was not as impressd as I was.

My wife cracks a fart out in the kitchen. She says excuse me. My 3 year old starts running around yelling "Mommy has poopy pants, Mommy has poopy pants."

 

[Bob Sacamano]

We took the daughter out to the park, and she wanted to use her new bat and ball.

"OK. I'm going to pitch, you bat, and mommy will be the infielder."

About 10 pitches later.

"Daddy, I want mommy to pitch. You be the cornfielder."

 

[GTBilly]

My in-laws were visiting when my 3yo daughter came up with this one:Both my daughter and her Grandpa were wearing khaki type tan pants.Daughter: "Grandpa, we have the same pants."Grandpa: "We sure do...mine are Dockers..."Daughter looks at her pants, pauses and says"Mine are lighters!"

Someone please explain why this is funny. Right now I feel like a moron because I don't get it.

 

[TommyGilmore]

My in-laws were visiting when my 3yo daughter came up with this one:Both my daughter and her Grandpa were wearing khaki type tan pants.Daughter: "Grandpa, we have the same pants."Grandpa: "We sure do...mine are Dockers..."Daughter looks at her pants, pauses and says"Mine are lighters!"

Someone please explain why this is funny. Right now I feel like a moron because I don't get it.

Grandpa: "Mine are darkers".

 

[Two Deep]

My in-laws were visiting when my 3yo daughter came up with this one:Both my daughter and her Grandpa were wearing khaki type tan pants.Daughter: "Grandpa, we have the same pants."Grandpa: "We sure do...mine are Dockers..."Daughter looks at her pants, pauses and says"Mine are lighters!"

Someone please explain why this is funny. Right now I feel like a moron because I don't get it.

Grandpa: "Mine are darkers".

 

[GTBilly]

My in-laws were visiting when my 3yo daughter came up with this one:Both my daughter and her Grandpa were wearing khaki type tan pants.Daughter: "Grandpa, we have the same pants."Grandpa: "We sure do...mine are Dockers..."Daughter looks at her pants, pauses and says"Mine are lighters!"

Someone please explain why this is funny. Right now I feel like a moron because I don't get it.

Grandpa: "Mine are darkers".

Ah now I get it. Grandpa sounded like Darkers or kid heard darkers. Thanks.

 

[Ned]

Have a couple of new ones from my 3 year old. The other night I am rocking him before he goes in his bed for the night. We had finished reading the books and he starts snoring. I asked him where he learned to snore. He replies back "That's what mommy does." I told mom and she was not as impressd as I was. My wife cracks a fart out in the kitchen. She says excuse me. My 3 year old starts running around yelling "Mommy has poopy pants, Mommy has poopy pants."

You rock a 3yr old to sleep? and @ mommy's poopy pants

 

[walnutz]

Have a couple of new ones from my 3 year old. The other night I am rocking him before he goes in his bed for the night. We had finished reading the books and he starts snoring. I asked him where he learned to snore. He replies back "That's what mommy does." I told mom and she was not as impressd as I was. My wife cracks a fart out in the kitchen. She says excuse me. My 3 year old starts running around yelling "Mommy has poopy pants, Mommy has poopy pants."

You rock a 3yr old to sleep? and @ mommy's poopy pants

Guess I should clarify the rock to sleep. We have a rocker reclinder in his room. We sit in the chair, read books and then rock for a few minutes before he gets in bed. Not the rock to sleep like you would with an infant. I love the mommy's poopy pants. Another quick one from a few months ago. The wife loves watching dancing with the Stars. I watch because there are hot chicks in skimpy clothes shaking their thang. My 2 boys are plopped down on the couch watching with the wife when one of the gals starts dancing. In unison the 2 of them go -- hubba hubba. My wife looks at me and says "They are not toys!"

 

[parasaurolophus]

Son comes out of his room yesyerday evening wearing an old fleece coat that is way to small and starts moving his arms back and forth saying "big kid in a little coat"

I was in stitches.

 

[17seconds]

very simple thing that cracks me up.

why my 3yo wants to get both of our attention he says "HEY GUYS?"... not daddy or mommy

 

[El Floppo]

Have a couple of new ones from my 3 year old. The other night I am rocking him before he goes in his bed for the night. We had finished reading the books and he starts snoring. I asked him where he learned to snore. He replies back "That's what mommy does." I told mom and she was not as impressd as I was. My wife cracks a fart out in the kitchen. She says excuse me. My 3 year old starts running around yelling "Mommy has poopy pants, Mommy has poopy pants."

I read to my 2 1/2 yo son before bedtime. Last night I ripped a ginormous, chair-shaking fart in the middle of Dr Seuss, and without missing a beat and without raising his eyes from the book, the kid says "Tuba".

 

[Sack-Religious]

My 5 y.o. son has an extremely vivid imagination and is obsessed with dinosaurs, most other prehistoric life, Mario Kart and all other things Mario Bros.

Yesterday my son comes running into our bedroom as my wife was getting dressed. He tosses an empty squirt gun at her and says "Momma, there are four Terror Birds in the house. Take this and help me get rid of them. Yoshi and Wario will take the other two and it's up to us to kill the others before they detroy the house."

He then runs out of the room like a bat out of hell on his mission to save the house.

 

[El Floppo]

My 5 y.o. son has an extremely vivid imagination and is obsessed with dinosaurs, most other prehistoric life, Mario Kart and all other things Mario Bros.

Yesterday my son comes running into our bedroom as my wife was getting dressed. He tosses an empty squirt gun at her and says "Momma, there are four Terror Birds in the house. Take this and help me get rid of them. Yoshi and Wario will take the other two and it's up to us to kill the others before they detroy the house."

He then runs out of the room like a bat out of hell on his mission to save the house.

is the house ok?

 

[Sack-Religious]

is the house ok?

Yup. You don't want to mess with my kid and his imaginary videogame / TV friends.

 

[paz1]

My in-laws were visiting when my 3yo daughter came up with this one:Both my daughter and her Grandpa were wearing khaki type tan pants.Daughter: "Grandpa, we have the same pants."Grandpa: "We sure do...mine are Dockers..."Daughter looks at her pants, pauses and says"Mine are lighters!"

Someone please explain why this is funny. Right now I feel like a moron because I don't get it.

Grandpa: "Mine are darkers".

 

[Seymour Corn]

I went to get my almost 2 year-old out of his crib after his nap this afternoon. He's dazed and his hair is messy. He is leaning against the railing rubbing his eyes.

He looks at me and says "Cool T-shirt."

 

[Sack-Religious]

My son yesterday.

Son: Momma, come look out the window!

Wife: What’s out there?

Son: Look (pointing into the air), it’s the Christmas Quetzalcoatlus! (KWET-zal-co-AT-lus)

Wife: Umm, it’s January buddy.

Son: The Christmas Quetzalcoatlus comes in November, December AND January. He brings good luck, but he’s really, really shy. He’s also magic and can go through things like a ghost.

 

[gmbacm]

My in-laws were visiting when my 3yo daughter came up with this one:Both my daughter and her Grandpa were wearing khaki type tan pants.Daughter: "Grandpa, we have the same pants."Grandpa: "We sure do...mine are Dockers..."Daughter looks at her pants, pauses and says"Mine are lighters!"

Someone please explain why this is funny. Right now I feel like a moron because I don't get it.

Grandpa: "Mine are darkers".

it was funny to the rest of us gb...

 

[TJ-Raider]

This just happened this morning.

Brought my son (5yo) to my office before school. He loves the big "spinny" office chair.

The crew and I are standing by the coffee pot chatting, and out of nowhere....

He slowly spins around, he has his finger tips all touching and close to his face,

and in a great super villian voice says, " Well, well, well... what do we have here?"

:coffeespittake:

 

[Sack-Religious]

My son (almost 6) doesn't like spicy stuff, but he's becoming a little more adventurous. The other day I was cooking with Jalapeno and when I was about to chop it, he asked to try it. I gave him some without any seeds or pith in it. No issues, then a little more with some pith, and he was OK with that too, but did say he found it a little hot.

Last week at the grocery store my wife sees Habaneros and jokingly tells him she'll give him $5 to take a bite. He declines, but asks how hot they are.

Fast forward to this morning at the grocery store. They're in the produce section and my wife is looking one way and hears "hmmm, this isn't bad." She turns her head and sees my son with a habanero in his hand and a bite out of it.

Wife: You can't eat that now. I've got to pay for it.

Son: Why?

Wife: Obligatory explanation of paying for things at the grocery store.

They finish the groceries, pay and are walking out and my wife asks him if he wants more of the Habanero, he accepts. He takes another bite and says it's fine. He takes another bite, and my my wife looks at him to get his reaction. His eyes are tearing up and he's frantically saying "HOT, HOT, HOT, AAAHHHHH, HOT!" Wife fumbles through the groceries and finds and peels a banana to give him. Him: "Ahhhhh, that's better"

In the car on the way home:

"Hey, you've got to give me $5!"

"Actually, I took two bites, so you owe me $10!"

I fear for what he's going to ingest as a teenager for money.

 

[Osaurus]

My son (almost 6) doesn't like spicy stuff, but he's becoming a little more adventurous. The other day I was cooking with Jalapeno and when I was about to chop it, he asked to try it. I gave him some without any seeds or pith in it. No issues, then a little more with some pith, and he was OK with that too, but did say he found it a little hot.Last week at the grocery store my wife sees Habaneros and jokingly tells him she'll give him $5 to take a bite. He declines, but asks how hot they are.Fast forward to this morning at the grocery store. They're in the produce section and my wife is looking one way and hears "hmmm, this isn't bad." She turns her head and sees my son with a habanero in his hand and a bite out of it. Wife: You can't eat that now. I've got to pay for it.Son: Why?Wife: Obligatory explanation of paying for things at the grocery store.They finish the groceries, pay and are walking out and my wife asks him if he wants more of the Habanero, he accepts. He takes another bite and says it's fine. He takes another bite, and my my wife looks at him to get his reaction. His eyes are tearing up and he's frantically saying "HOT, HOT, HOT, AAAHHHHH, HOT!" Wife fumbles through the groceries and finds and peels a banana to give him. Him: "Ahhhhh, that's better"In the car on the way home:"Hey, you've got to give me $5!" "Actually, I took two bites, so you owe me $10!"I fear for what he's going to ingest as a teenager for money.

Start hiding

 

[wadegarrett]

My 3-year old daughter called me a penis.

 

[gmbacm]

my 2 y/o is always giving me high 5s. Lately though there have been excuses...

Puts hands in pockets "I have no more hands to give you 5"

or

"Im all out of 5s"

 

[El Floppo]

Have a couple of new ones from my 3 year old. The other night I am rocking him before he goes in his bed for the night. We had finished reading the books and he starts snoring. I asked him where he learned to snore. He replies back "That's what mommy does." I told mom and she was not as impressd as I was. My wife cracks a fart out in the kitchen. She says excuse me. My 3 year old starts running around yelling "Mommy has poopy pants, Mommy has poopy pants."

I read to my 2 1/2 yo son before bedtime. Last night I ripped a ginormous, chair-shaking fart in the middle of Dr Seuss, and without missing a beat and without raising his eyes from the book, the kid says "Tuba".

So I squeaked one out last night. Kid looks up and says "Trumpet".