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Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

El Floppo said:
His youngest son keeps his #### shiny and clean. It's tacitly understood from the post that the older son and Dad do not.
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Reminds me of something my youngest said when he was about 4.

He was helping fold laundry and pulled out one of my wife's bras.

"This is mommy's.  It's keeps her boobies nice and clean."

 
While stuck in traffic I decided to put "adult" music on in the car and ask my 5 year old her thoughts for my own amusement. Now I'm thinking of doing it every week and making it into a twitter feed.  Here were her takes:

Oh Baby- LCD Soundsystem: "I like it, it sounds like music they play in restaurants."

Other Voices- LCD Soundsystem: "Now they're just playing the same drum over and over"

How Does it Feel- Kamaiyah: "How DOES it feel to be rich?"

Pick up the Phone- Travis Scott et al: "They should go slower, I can NOT understand what they're saying"

Her favorite was The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows by Brand New, but she didn't have anything funny to say about it.

 
#5, 13yo, male. Funny. Making his speech for office at 4h today. He says "I don't see you as children. I see you all as important members of the team. We all work together to get stuff done. You are an inspiration. Our club is like a bee hive. Everyone has an important job. Everyone has to work together. And I will be your Queen!!" *arm wave, snap flourish*

 
So I'm heading off in a little bit to play in a charity golf tournament. I come downstairs dressed and ready to go, and here is the conversation with my 11 year old son:

11 yo: Where YOU going?

Me: Going to play golf in a tournament.

11 yo: You're playing in a tournament?!?!!?

Me: You bet. (and feeling that I'm a cool dad because I get to play in a tournament)

11 yo: What is it, the Old Man Open?

Me: :kicksrock:

 
ChiefD said:
So I'm heading off in a little bit to play in a charity golf tournament. I come downstairs dressed and ready to go, and here is the conversation with my 11 year old son:

11 yo: Where YOU going?

Me: Going to play golf in a tournament.

11 yo: You're playing in a tournament?!?!!?

Me: You bet. (and feeling that I'm a cool dad because I get to play in a tournament)

11 yo: What is it, the Old Man Open?

Me: :kicksrock:
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Watch it son or you'll feel the wrath of the old man open hand knuckle sandwich.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
Sitting in the park right now, a girl from my son's class that ended in June is in here - they're holding hands, playing, & having fun... My son tries to show off, even though at 4.5 he can't do anything all that impressive.

Anyways, he goes to the girl; "I can run super fast and jump super high"

girls response was solid; "do it, let me see"

Son looks confused for a second, then goes for it, runs across the playground & then jumps 9 inches off the ground. 

Girl responds; "that wasn't that high or fast"

son responds; "I'm not in the mood right now"

i found the whole thing :lmao:
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Made me think of this video:

https://youtu.be/mpaPBCBjSVc

 
Leaving soccer practice with my daughter and she is excited about baked potatoes for dinner.  I ask her what if I don't let her have them?

Her: Then you will have to talk to my lawyer

me: Who's your lawyer?

Her: Mommy.  But I dont actually know what a lawyer does

 
We're walking into the tennis place where my 3 year old just started taking "lessons," (aka running around chasing tennis balls swinging a racket at the air) and he walks by the handicapped parking space.  It had the sign and the painted logo on the ground.  He stops, looks at it for a second, and says:

"This is where you have to go potty before you go inside for tennis."

I looked at the handicapped symbol...and you know what?  It DOES look like it could be indicating that, so I said, "Something like that buddy.  Let's go."  I didn't really want to breach the topic of what it was really for.  Just too many questions.  So, in exchange, I'd rather deal with the phone call when he drops a deuce on the handicapped spot at school one day.

 
Not necessarily a thing my kid said, just something funny the wife noticed.

Got home from 8 year old girl's soccer practice.  Wife is doing dishes and notices the water bottle our girl had used at practice.  Its very sparkly and hard to read but my wife realized which one it was. She says "Maybe we dont want her using this at practice anymore...."

on the bottle it says "Careful, this could be Vodka"

 
This morning #10 was in the Shame corner for hitting #8 with a light saber. 10 refused to apologize so I made him sit longer. #11 gets a couple toys and goes and sits with him. It was really cute. 

 
Clown Car said:
This morning #10 was in the Shame corner for hitting #8 with a light saber. 10 refused to apologize so I made him sit longer. #11 gets a couple toys and goes and sits with him. It was really cute. 
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Just the bolded above makes me giggle. Holy hell how do you do it?

:lol:

 
Clown Car said:
This morning #10 was in the Shame corner for hitting #8 with a light saber. 10 refused to apologize so I made him sit longer. #11 gets a couple toys and goes and sits with him. It was really cute. 
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I often put #2 in timeout because he hit #1 and lots of times #1 says she's fine and can #2 please be let out of timeout, love it when they do that.

On the way to school the other day....

Daughter says neighbors cat came back from the woods with no ears

I respond by saying the cat must have got in a fight with another animal

BOTH my son and daughter then respond that that's crazy, it was obviously the clowns.

I said ummmmm what?

Both of them informed me that the clowns live in the woods

 
lumpy19 said:
I often put #2 in timeout because he hit #1 and lots of times #1 says she's fine and can #2 please be let out of timeout, love it when they do that.

On the way to school the other day....

Daughter says neighbors cat came back from the woods with no ears

I respond by saying the cat must have got in a fight with another animal

BOTH my son and daughter then respond that that's crazy, it was obviously the clowns.

I said ummmmm what?

Both of them informed me that the clowns live in the woods
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:scared:  

 
Last night i was doing reading with my youngest at bedtime. We were reading a 3rd grade reader that he brough homw, some Halloween story about a kid needing to buy a costume. When he gets going fast, he mispronounces words, instead of sounding them out. The line was something like: "All the aisles were stuffed with monstrous things: rubber masks, fangs, scars and fake blood." But he read it as "All the #######s..."

i just cracked up. Took him a minute to catch on, but then he started cracking up, too.

 
lumpy19 said:
I often put #2 in timeout because he hit #1 and lots of times #1 says she's fine and can #2 please be let out of timeout, love it when they do that.
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Just as long as it doesn't turn out that #2 blames #1 for being in timeout, and #1 wants you to let him out so that he doesn't hit her for getting him out in timeout to begin with. 

 
Mr. Ham said:
Son's hair wild as getting ready for school.  Wife dressed in morning garb.

Wife: I dare you to go to school looking like that.

Son: I dare you to take me to the bus stop looking like that.
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I actually did laugh out loud to this one.  :lol:

 
9yr old was home sick yesterday with a 102 fever.  I checked on him around lunch time to see if his fever was going down.

Me: <feeling his forehead> "You're not too hot."

9yr old: "But I'm not too ugly either."

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 
My wife has been trying to teach my 3 year old to say prayers at bedtime.  Tonight, she tried to get him to say the sign of the cross.  He was calm and quiet and about to go to bed.  This is what ensued.

Wife:  "Connor, do this.  Touch your head and say...Father.  Now touch your heart and say....Son.  Now touch each shoulder and say....Holy..."

Son: "Moly!  Holy Moly!"

The father, the son, and the holy moly.  

 
I forgot this one until just now.

So last week we had a heat wave in Michigan, so last Saturday we took out our pontoon boat and the neighbors took out there speed boat. We had about 20 total people with kids and everything and we took turns with people on our boat just hanging out and people on the neighbors boat tubing.

So my husband, myself and one of our friends go on the tubing boat, and this is an insane boat, with 10 of us on it, it was still going 40mph. So my husband takes his turn to go tubing and the kids love when he goes because he is an idiot and tells our neighbor to try to throw him off. So after a couple of turns out there he falls off and says "Okay someone else can go" He gets on the boat and the kids are bugging him "Mister Tim go again, come on daddy go again." My husband says "I need a few minutes and 3 more beers" At this time the neighbor is setting up the next person to go tubing and isn't paying attention to the conversation going on the boat. The neighbor girl goes up and says "Dad do we have any beer?" Neighbor dad not paying attention says "Yes, they are in the red cooler"  Neighbor girl "Dad there is only 1 in here, I need 3!" Neighbor dad, "Wait, what the hell do you need beer for?"

 
Fat Nick said:
My wife has been trying to teach my 3 year old to say prayers at bedtime.  Tonight, she tried to get him to say the sign of the cross.  He was calm and quiet and about to go to bed.  This is what ensued.

Wife:  "Connor, do this.  Touch your head and say...Father.  Now touch your heart and say....Son.  Now touch each shoulder and say....Holy..."

Son: "Moly!  Holy Moly!"

The father, the son, and the holy moly.  
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"Spectacles, Test I Cles, wallet, and watch."

 
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So my daughter this weekend got her first womanly flow.....     First off :cry:   by me,,,,,

Anyway, as relayed by the wife....

daughter: "Mommy, I think i got my period"

wife: " you did...congratulations honey"

daughter:  :angry: Congratulations?!?!?!? :angry:   This IS HORRIBLE!!!!

Stupid kids growing up

 
Mr. Ham said:
I'm on the bed reading.  7 year old is playing tablet beside me.  

Out of the blue.

7 yo: I feel comfortable with my dad.

Me: Awe, thanks, Buddy.

7 yo: [doesn't look up, but points with fully extended arm]: That man, right there.  

:confused:  
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:lol:

wait... was he pointing at you, or at a dad on the screen? 

and if the former- who was he talking to?

 
belljr said:
So my daughter this weekend got her first womanly flow.....     First off :cry:   by me,,,,,

Anyway, as relayed by the wife....

daughter: "Mommy, I think i got my period"

wife: " you did...congratulations honey"

daughter:  :angry: Congratulations?!?!?!? :angry:   This IS HORRIBLE!!!!

Stupid kids growing up
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That's great! I'm so glad they have a relationship that daughter tells mom stuff. I still haven't told my mother I started. 

And yes I hate that they grow up. 

 
belljr said:
So my daughter this weekend got her first womanly flow.....     First off :cry:   by me,,,,,

Anyway, as relayed by the wife....

daughter: "Mommy, I think i got my period"

wife: " you did...congratulations honey"

daughter:  :angry: Congratulations?!?!?!? :angry:   This IS HORRIBLE!!!!

Stupid kids growing up
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Do not bring it up with her.

ABSOLUTELY do not buy her flowers.

 
#9 has her first loose tooth. I don't know why but she was very emotional about it and we were all telling her it will come out soon and we are so happy she's growing up. #5 says "I can get that out fast for you." She flips out and turns on her heal and points at him and shouts out "you've done enough already!!"

 
Friday nights are "shake and movie" night here. I had to get movies from Redbox by myself because everyone was everywhere. I asked what movies they wanted me to look for. #5 (13yo) says "go through them and pick what you think is best. Then don't get that. Go back and look for something that looks cool and we would like."

I got them "hidden figures."  They were annoyed at first but ended up really liking it. 

 
My 15 year old has pick up on my knack for quoting movies, shows, etc.  He was in his AP history class in high school and his teacher said they were going to start learning about some ancient torture device, to which my son shouted out "Dilly dilly!" (from the annoyingly overplayed Bud Light commercial).

@Andy Dufresne

 
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ProstheticRGK said:
Last night i was doing reading with my youngest at bedtime. We were reading a 3rd grade reader that he brough homw, some Halloween story about a kid needing to buy a costume. When he gets going fast, he mispronounces words, instead of sounding them out. The line was something like: "All the aisles were stuffed with monstrous things: rubber masks, fangs, scars and fake blood." But he read it as "All the #######s..."

i just cracked up. Took him a minute to catch on, but then he started cracking up, too.
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Looks like it's hereditary.  Chip off the old brock so to spleak.

 
Clown Car said:
Friday nights are "shake and movie" night here. I had to get movies from Redbox by myself because everyone was everywhere. I asked what movies they wanted me to look for. #5 (13yo) says "go through them and pick what you think is best. Then don't get that. Go back and look for something that looks cool and we would like."

I got them "hidden figures."  They were annoyed at first but ended up really liking it. 
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:lol:

 
Twin 6.5 yo boys.  They seem to pick up some new slang (presumably from the kids in their class who have older brothers, or the older boys at school) on a weekly basis. Most recently, they've learned that "nuts" is slang for their "balls".  My parents were over and we were eating dinner the other day and someone said something to the effect of "that's nuts".....and one of the boys start laughing and the exchange goes like this:

-"I can spell nuts.:  N....U....T....S.....Nuts"

-"Good job.  Almonds, pecans, peanuts...those are different types of nuts"

-"No, I was talking about (and points down)......These Nuts"

Me and the wife just lost it.  It's almost like he's been listening to old Snoop CDs.

 
We're all at our favorite pizza joint in town for my birthday and talking. The kids were adamant that I try out for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We were discussing this and that and I told them I used to know way more trivia when I was younger but now I'm too old.

14-yo daughter said, "You're too old to go to school but too young to go into a nursing home." I'm 49. 

 
In the bathroom getting ready this morning, and my 9 year old son is in there. I was standing there wearing jeans and no shirt while I was getting ready. So just to goof around, I start flexing for him and showing him how to flex properly.

Me: Man, I look pretty good for an old guy. What do you think of that six pack?

Him: What 6-pack? You mean mine? 

Me: No, me.

Him. Looks more like a 1 pack. Actually, more like a fat pack.

Me:  :cry:

 
ChiefD said:
In the bathroom getting ready this morning, and my 9 year old son is in there. I was standing there wearing jeans and no shirt while I was getting ready. So just to goof around, I start flexing for him and showing him how to flex properly.

Me: Man, I look pretty good for an old guy. What do you think of that six pack?

Him: What 6-pack? You mean mine? 

Me: No, me.

Him. Looks more like a 1 pack. Actually, more like a fat pack.

Me:  :cry:
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6 pack? Pshht. I'm rocking a party ball.

 
Johnny Rock said:
We're all at our favorite pizza joint in town for my birthday and talking. The kids were adamant that I try out for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We were discussing this and that and I told them I used to know way more trivia when I was younger but now I'm too old.

14-yo daughter said, "You're too old to go to school but too young to go into a nursing home." I'm 49. 
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Have you signed her up for millionaire yet?

 
I'm taking 4,5,6,8 to the xc end of season party and 7,9 are unhappy to not be included. I made potato salad to take and put it in the fridge to chill. 9 opened the fridge for an apple and smelled and saw the potato salad. She shut the door and said "oh I'm so glad I don't have to go to that party now so I don't have to eat that."

 
7&9 have lice. Again. I poisoned them with the store shampoo last night and combed the heck out of them last night and tonight. Tonight I only found babies and I'm pretty sure they were dead. I had one on the end of my nail and showed it to 9. She's 5 and super sensitive to feelings and very empathetic. She says "poor thing. It just wanted to have a life."

 
While I'm here I will tell this one. I'm not sure if I told it or not. #4 joined civil air patrol. The first night he went we met the other kids and I thought they were sweet, smart, cute, but the dorkiest kids I've ever met. That's saying something coming from a homeschooler. Anyway after the meeting I asked him what he thought. He says "mom I have found my people. They are just like me!"

 
KanilJr (6) and I were in the store the other day looking for a present for grandma.

KanilJr: Can I sit in the cart?

Me: Go for it

KanilJr: *Starts to climb into the cart as I'm turning around.  He easily climbs in*

KanilJr: Wow, that was a lot easier to get in while you were turning it.

Me: Really?  What do you think made it easier?  (I'm thinking this may be a good time to teach him about centrifugal force)

KanilJr: ...SARCASM!

I lost it.  Couldn't do anything but laugh for 30 seconds.

 
There was a commercial on for always pads. It says 60% of women are wearing the wrong size pads. #6 says "does it really matter? Really?" I said "do you want to know why it really matters?"  He says "no I really don't because I'm just a 10yo boy!"

 
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