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GM's Thread About Everything/GM's Thread About Nothing (31 Viewers)

Left to their own devices, investors make poor decisions based on the wrong information.  There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry.

So he gave each one $5k to see how each of them would spend it. The first one went out and got a makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a DVD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one took the $5k and invested it in the stock market, doubling her investment, returning the $5k to the man and reinvesting the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided.

Which one did the investor decide to marry?

The one with the biggest breasts.  After all, not ALL investors make poor decisions based on the wrong information
 
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Was late to a lunch meeting today because 22 year old was modeling potential outfits for me at Victoria's Secret.  

 
General Malaise said:
[SIZE=48pt]ANNOUNCE!!!!![/SIZE]
 

I need - no, my boss needs - a good, fresh, relatively clean joke to open a presentation he's making on cobalt in London next week.  I remember jokes about as well as I spell, so I need help.  Give me your best joke you can tell to a room full of investors.  Doesn't have to be about stocks or investing, but that wouldn't hurt.  It should be short and sweet, but not too short.  Winner of the best joke will get a special shipment from me, which may include if you so wish some fine Oregon edibles, beer or wine, depending on your taste.  You have until Friday.  Winner will be announced then.  
 




 




 
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied: 

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

 
A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife’s recent death.

“We were on the third hole,” the widower relates.” My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men’s when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up.“

The coroner replies "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?”

“Oh,” says the man, “that was my provisional.”

 
belljr said:
A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife’s recent death.

“We were on the third hole,” the widower relates.” My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men’s when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up.“

The coroner replies "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?”

“Oh,” says the man, “that was my provisional.”
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"For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." ...

 
GM Contest

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

 
 a financial adviser says to his client. "Which would you like to hear first?" “The bad news,” the client says.“All your money will be gone in 24 hours.”“Oh my gosh,” the client says. “What’s the worse news?”“I should have made this call yesterday.”

 
A little Indian boy asked the Chief of the tribe how names are derived.
The Chief responded, "Well, we name tribesmen after the first thing we see once they are born. Take Soaring Eagle for example. When he was born, we looked out the tipi and saw an Eagle Soaring."
"Do you know Rain Cloud?" asked the Chief.
The little boy quickly said, "Yes. He's my best friend."
The Chief said, "Well, when he was born, we looked out the tipi and saw an enormous rain cloud. Therefore we named him Rain Cloud. So why do you ask Two Queer Dogs #######?"
 
 
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Uruk-Hai said:
Update?

I can do one of the hotels to give some of the others a spot in the house, cos - shoot me a reference on one or two of those within a block of your place. 

Airport-wise, as I said, I'm gonna fly into IAH as it's the only non-stop I can get out of DC. I'll need a suggestion on transfer from there.

I'd like to book both air and hotel this weekend, if things look like a go.
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Go ahead and book your flight if you want, but seriously wait on the motel. Prices are high now and will go downcloser to the date, No way they will sell out. I'll be htere the whole week and we'll have some fun., Looking forward to it. Only thing I would say, is changing planes is easier than driving through Houston. Try and arrive between 10-2 or after 8 for best traffic. 

 
Thank you all for coming out to this conference.  We are really excited to host this event this week, and we've been looking at every little detail. We told our staff they'd get a big bonus if things went off without a hitch.  I sent an email to one of my admins to pick out canapes, a new kid fresh out of college, hardest worker because he's just buried in student loans, but he didn't know what they were and kept calling them can - apes.  So I emailed the second admin, who's been here ten years and she's talkimg about starting a family, and she said do you mean pancakes?  So I called our oldest admin, heart and soul of this company, been here 40 years but doesn't know how to send an email, bless her heart, so I called her and I said can you get canapes?  And she said a can of peas? Don't you think they want something a little fancier like little appetizers?

So who got the bonus?

Me, because I reduced our administrative overhead by three salaries and we don't even have to pay severance or unemployment or maternity because we have documentation of them failing to do their jobs.  

I love this business
 
@General Malaise

Did you hear the one about Donald Trump?  So he simultaneously has an aneurysm and a heart attack while being hit by a freight train.  

There is a strong demand and limited supply of cobalt which presents a very exciting investment opportunity... 

 
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.

He asks her, "What's going on here?"

She answers, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

if you know what I mean
 
On my flight here the plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice blow job." So now, a stewardess is panicking and makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn it off. As she's running, I yell "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"

 
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I told my wife i was going to do this speech tonight, that i would be talking to you guys about precious metals.  and she said make sure to tell a joke.  so i said why did the precious metals investor tell his wife to put the vibrator away.  and she said no a clean joke.  so i said you know whats funny about precious metals and she said what and i said nothing.  it's because he couldn't hear the tv.  he was listening to the tv and her vibrator was too loud and he was so interested in the precious metals advice on tv that he didn't try to #### her he just wanted to hear the television.  anyways my wife didnt think that was very funny and that was last week and we haven't been talking much but i'm sure things are going to be fine.  and if they're not i'll have to give her half my metals portfolio but she wouldn't know her molybdinum from her pyrite without me so i'm pretty sure she's stuck with me.  and we do have sex just not as often as we did when we were younger, but it's hard once you have kids, and neither of you really has time to work out as much as you want to, and you want to make time for each other but you know sometimes you just feel like if she would just do her share, you know, like getting the groceries once in a while instead of raising our children on peanut butter and domino's, or maybe a load of my laundry and not just hers or the kids, because i'm out here working and providing for this family, but i still get my housework done and i know i'm not always the best father, but my father wasn't a great role model either, and while i wish i could have talked to him more about that before he was gone, i feel like i'm a self made man and it's hard and if i want to watch the two minutes of precious metals talk before ####### cramer gets on there talking about beef futures and hitting his ridiculous moo button, then honey can you just put the dilldo down for a minute or take it in the other room or something.

We've got a great list of speakers ahead tonight, thank you all for coming out and go cobalt.

 
Limp Ditka said:
Someone a while back, before that thread, had stumbled upon his twitter handle. Somehow it was brought up in there and it went FFAviral. Twitter feed seems to have a P(igeon)OTD posts dating back to the point that it's not just some recent shtick being done, thus PIGEONS!
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I have read this 4 times and still don't have a clue.

 
bostonfred said:
The trump backers who got stiffed by cstu for over two grand are having fun at his expense.  one of them made a funny video, another made a twitter account with links to things like how yo make 2000 dollars unethically, or how to get your wife to let you pay bills she doesn't know about.  in the process they found Squisition's twitter handle and found out he's been tweeting pictures of pigeons roughly every day for a long time for no apparent reason like some kind of ornithological forrestmail.  when confronted, squis said it was all an inside joke then blocked them all on twitter and reported them to, of all people, timsadooshet.  then hagmania made a video game review of a japanese game where you apparently date pigeons and people lost their minds   

Surprisingly good new shtick in that thread which we haven't had in a long time
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Ahhh, ok.  

That thread needs a table of contents to the good posts.

 
Mr.Pack said:
Paging @bostonfred

My daughter keeps having this recurring dream that her teeth are shattering and falling out of her mouth and she's freaking out as we drive her to the ER. Then someone gets shot while she's sitting next to that person.

Analysis please?
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Losing/breaking teeth is a common stress dream.  Represents loss of control.  But I'm not bostonfred :shrug:

 
General Malaise said:
[SIZE=48pt]ANNOUNCE!!!!![/SIZE]
 

I need - no, my boss needs - a good, fresh, relatively clean joke to open a presentation he's making on cobalt in London next week.  I remember jokes about as well as I spell, so I need help.  Give me your best joke you can tell to a room full of investors.  Doesn't have to be about stocks or investing, but that wouldn't hurt.  It should be short and sweet, but not too short.  Winner of the best joke will get a special shipment from me, which may include if you so wish some fine Oregon edibles, beer or wine, depending on your taste.  You have until Friday.  Winner will be announced then.  
 
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Best ever

 
Joining those taking a break from the innertubes  for a while.  If any NW types want to get together, text me.  

Be good to each other.

 
I don't want to enter any of the politic threads, so I want to ask this question here.

I've read a few articles headlines recently indicating that folks are prodding Obama to pardon Hillary.

My question is, wouldn't she have to be convicted of a crime in order to pardon her from anything?

TIA

 
On The Rocks said:
I don't want to enter any of the politic threads, so I want to ask this question here.

I've read a few articles headlines recently indicating that folks are prodding Obama to pardon Hillary.

My question is, wouldn't she have to be convicted of a crime in order to pardon her from anything?

TIA
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Nixon wasn't

 
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